New chapter! As of this posting, this story is tied for being my longest-chaptered story yet (tied with Crimson Stripes). And, since this is still going, this will be the longest story yet! Cool! So, thank you for reading this everyone! It means a lot to me!
Disclaimer: takes a deep breath I still do not own Shadow, Sonic, or any related characters, for they belong to Sega. Elsie the Cow is insane ownage of Blue Mage Quartet. Angelique the Hedgehog is property of Dreabeauty. Silhouette the Hedgehog belongs to Crimson-Obsidian-Rose. Sakura is, of course, Sakura-Courage-Solo. Tamara the Cat belongs to Stryfe. Finally, I own Gemini, Ciel, and Miffskin (yes, she is still alive after the 4th
It didn't take long for Shadow to hijack a new car, and drive the brothers back to Station Square. Unfortunately, our favorite red-striped hedgie had accidentally run into a van. Said van was a carpool van of newscasters from the Channel 6 News! And they had managed to convince the brotherly trio into doing the news broadcast for the day until they could return. Shadow agreed, because otherwise, the newscasters would place embarrassing pictures of them across the headlines. Even someone like the Ultimate Lifeform himself could not stand up to that kind of blackmail.
Right now, Shadow was next to the Head Anchorman desk, adjusting his tie. Rouge, who was managing the program that day, was beside him.
"Rouge, I feel odd about this," Shadow growled.
"That's called 'nerves', Shaddie." Rouge explained. "Everyone gets nervous sometimes!"
"Actually…I think it's the fact that I hate wearing ties." Frustrated, he tossed the tie off. "Just make sure everyone's in position, alright?"
"Yep. Tails and Cream are doing the camera, and everyone else has their news topics. I say we're clear Shadow!" A light flashed. "Oh, that's your cue! See you in a bit Shaddie!" Rogue flew off, leaving the angst-hog to stare at the camera.
"Three…two…one. Action!" Said camera turned on, and Shadow forced himself into a smile (which looked more like a twisted sneer)
"Hello everyone, and welcome to Channel 6 News! I am…sorry…to report that the usual cast is in the hospital for…inexplicable reasons, so me and my…'brilliant' cast shall take over for today." He sighed, and pulled out a script. "So…now for the top headlines. Let me see…first off, Sonic the Hedgehog Saves Town. Self explanatory. Second, Sonic Saves Town Again. Self explanatory again. Third, Sonic the Hedgehog Saves Town for 53rd Time. Geez people, do I honestly need to explain this? Get a life!" Shadow tossed away the script, completely missing the fact that the next broadcast was about a certain black-and-red hedgie. "Next broadcast!"
"And now," came Rouge's voice, "It's time for the weather!" The screen changed to show Ciel, who was holding his pet Black Wing, Miffskin.
"Weather? Right now?" he shrugged. "Okay…today, there is a giant letter H over Texas, followed by some big red arrows. Oh, and a letter C over New York! Why are parts of the alphabet on the map?"
"Meep."
"Oh, okay!" Ciel pointed to the map. "There are also…clouds over Utah! Clouds that look like sheep! Beware of sheep clouds, Utah! Just wondering, what kind of a name is Utah? I mean, it sounds silly. How about we call it something else, like…"
"Meep!" The winged hedgie turned to Miffskin, who was chewing on the edge of the map. Ciel gasped, grabbing the alien on the spot.
"Bad Miffy! You know you're paper intolerant! Stop eating Florida, you're going to hurt the poor little Floridadians!"
"Meeeeeeeep. Meep." Ciel sighed.
"…That's the weather. Back to you Shadow!"
"-So that's why I need more coffee here! Seriously, this is ridiculous! Oh, are we on?" Shadow turned back to the screen. "Hi there! Uhmm…more on headlines…er, my friend Angelique will deal with that. Angie!" A violet hedgehog with silver stripes (that appeared in chappies 6-8) came onto the screen.
"I told you not to call me that…" She sat down, pulling out her papers. "This is how it's done. Today, top news stories report that Shadow the Hedgehog, or at least, someone who looks remarkably like him, has been seen raiding clothes from the lingerie department. The police are on the case, tracking down every suspect that looks remotely like a hedgehog, or has colors close to black or red. Remember, stealing is a criminal offense, so if you have any information, please contact authorities." Angelique turned to Shadow. "See? It's easy!
"…I did not steal any bras or panties. Honest." The Ultimate Lifeform's face was, by the way, beet red. "So now, on to the Economy Section! Get lost!"
At the Economy desk was Tamara, (the dark-purple cat that Ciel stole a pair of undies from), and a blond human girl known as Sakura.
"Our report for today," Sakura began, "Deals with rising gun stock. Weaponry everywhere have been in high demand over the last few years, mainly as self-defense from Dr. Eggman, or even Eggman buying them himself. However-"
"What do you mean 'however'?" Tamara asked, slamming her papers onto the desk. "It's freaking great! I own a Gun Shop myself, and business has never been so freaking good!"
"Yes, but many parents are concerned about the effect this will have on children. Not that I don't agree with you, of course." Sakura nodded.
"Screw the kids! I have guns on me right now, and there's no problem at all! Watch!" Out of her shirt came a pair of Gatling guns, as well as some pistols, machine guns, and a water gun (technically a hydro-electric rifle, water goes well with electricity). The cat proceeded to strip down to her undergarments, leaving a large pile of guns on the table. Sakura stared in disbelief.
"…Shadow isn't here right now, is he?"
"Nope. I'd shoot him if he was." Both girls stared at the screen.
"Tamara, you do realize that we're screwed now, right?" The cat shrugged. With nothing better to do, both girls picked up a gun from the table, and shot the camera. All turned black.
The next camera showed Knuckles and Tikal. The latter of the two was staring at the camera, her face only a few inches away.
"So this machine allows people all over the world to see us?"
"Depends," Knuckles explained. "Is that green light flashing?" Tikal nodded. "Then it is…crap, I'm on!" The guardian tossed on a gold-chain necklace and a backwards cap.
"Yo, what up peeps? This is Knuck-lz, and we are here at da'…what is this part again?" Since apparently no one here read the script, Knux looked over his. "A cooking corner? Sweet!" He tossed off his cap and bling, instead putting on a chef hat and an apron. "Today, we're going to make a blueberry shortcake ala' mode!"
Tikal continued to stare at the screen. "So all those people can see you embarrassing me? That is rather…disturbing." She looked at her fellow echidna, who was humming to himself as he stirred a mix that looked a lot like puke. "…I apologize for this…"
The next screen showed Gemini, dressed in his Paine cos-play outfit, with his feet up on the desk. He seemed entirely focused on some game on his Nintendo DS, and every once in a while, he'd snag a drink of Mountain Dew. After a few minutes of this, a most clearly ticked off Shadow stormed onto the scene.
"Gemini, what the hell are you doing?" He practically screamed in his sibling's ear. The mage paused his game, looking over his shoulder at the angst-hog.
"Playing Final Fantasy III. Why?"
"…Aren't you supposed to be doing your newscast? Or have you already blown that part of your brain with those stupid games of yours?"
"Of course not! I'm on a Mountain Dew Break." The mage pointed at his trusty green bottle of Dew. Shadow stared blankly.
"Mountain Dew Break?"
"It's supposed to be a coffee break, but I don't like coffee, so I call it a Mountain Dew Break." There was an awkward silence between the two.
"Well…apparently, you forgot to tell the camera crew. We're on right now." Gemini nodded, and then realized what this meant.
"Crap. What the hell am I talking about again?"
"Electronics."
"Oh, well that's easy!" Gemini turned to the screen, assuming the complete newscaster pose, and declared in a completely straight face, "Xbox 360 tm and Wii tm sucks. That is all." The mage then resumed his game.
Shadow, meanwhile, stared at his sibling in disbelief. "That's it?"
"Yep. I'm back on my break." He waved a hand toward the camera. "How about you show someone else now?"
"…Yeah…I'll do that…" Having no way to argue his brother's eccentric habits, Shadow walked dejectedly off-screen.
"And now," came Rouge's voice from off-screen, "the Traffic Report!" The camera (manned by Charmy Bee, whose mouth was duct-taped so his annoying voice would not disrupt the broadcast) turned toward the city, and a row of cars that went for miles. Top speed at the moment was 1 inch per hour.
"As you can see," Vector explained from the streets, "We are currently in the middle of Rush Hour traffic. As far as I can deduce, this is a plot formed by puppy-kicking zombies, but since we can't prove this at the time, we'll just interview some of our fellow drivers." The croc walked into the crowd of cars, stopping at a red Wasabi.
"Hello person! How can I help you?" Came the voice from inside.
"I was just wondering, what do you think of this horrible traffic jam?" The driver seemed to consider this a moment.
"In Cyberland, we only drink Diet Coke." Next to her was a can of Chocolate Slimfast.
"But that is Slimfast, not Coke," Vector stated flatly.
"I know. We aren't in Cyberland." Elsie continued to stare out the window. If you couldn't tell that was Elsie, then I think we have a problem. Anyway, Vector nodded, and walked over to another car. Inside was a black hedgehog with red stripes, but the windows were up, so it was hard to tell the gender of the hedgie.
"And what do you think of the traffic jam?"
"All I can say," the hedgehog replied, "is that I should have left Victoria's Secret five minutes earlier…stupid registers." Vector noticed that the back seat of the car was filled to the brink with bags of lingerie. Remembering the report from earlier, he gasped.
"You…you criminal!" The hedgehog's face seemed to turn pale, and the gumshoe reptile continued his accusation. "You seem suspicious, and there are no receipts in your bags! Where were you on the night of tomorrow?"
"Uhmm…I don't know?"
"Oh, okay! Charmy, jot this down in the Handy Dandy Notebook!" Up in the sky, the bee complied, and as he pulled out the notebook, he dropped the camera onto the street. The screen once again turned black.
Back with Shadow, everything was hell. Almost literally. Sonic and Amy had been in charge of the Sports section, and as usual, Sonic ran from the stalking fan-girl as fast as he could. On his way, he accidentally tripped over Tamera's gun collection, causing the bullets to fire in every which way. Some of the bullets set fire to the weather map and Knuckles' soufflé, and the flames quickly spread throughout the building until the sprinkler system turned on about five minutes later.
The Ultimate Lifeform was, of course, pissed. Pretty much everyone had bailed by now, and they hadn't even finished the program yet. Bloodshot eyes watched the people go, every once in a while twitching.
"I'm back Shadow!" Ciel exclaimed, "and I got Gemini!" The two siblings were both burned and drenched, and the blue-striped brother did not look like a happy camper (not that he liked camping in the first place, but you know what we mean).
"Stupid sprinkler system shorted out my game," he growled. Shadow rolled his eyes, and checked to see if anyone else was in the building. There was one, but it was just a cop…
Hold on, a cop?!?
"You, black and red hedgehog!" The police officer yelled, "You're coming with us!"
"Look, I do not need this right now," Shadow snarled back. "Leave me the hell alone, dammit! I haven't done anything wrong lately!"
"That's not what the news report said!" The cop pulled out a piece of paper with the headlines on it. "After examining every suspect that was clearly not a black and red hedgehog like the one specified in the report, we have figured out that you must be the lingerie thief!"
"I've never stolen anything from a lady in my life!" The red sibling explained. "I mean, Ciel did once for a dare, and I'm not sure about Gemini, but I can honestly say that I am not the thief."
"Then do you have any clue who it was?" Almost on cue, a car drove onto the set, adding to the mayhem. Out of the car came, remarkably, a black and red hedgehog. It looked like Shadow except for two things: It wore clothes (which you can imagine), and…was a girl.
"It's about time I got here!" The hedgehog girl sighed. "I'm looking for Rouge; have you seen her? I just finished her shopping." She pointed to a bunch of bags in the back of her car, and paused to sniff the air. "Something's burning…"
"Oh, hello Silhouette," the cop said. Shadow raised an eyebrow.
"Did you try her, by any chance?"
"Why? She's a perfect female copy of you! It couldn't be her." Shadow slapped himself in the face.
"You are so freaking stupid…" Shadow walked up to the car, pointing inside. "Black and red hedgehog. Bags of undergarments. No receipts to show she paid. Does that seem at all suspicious to you?"
"I can explain!" Silhouette claimed. "I'm a big fan of yours, Mr. Shadow, so I dyed my fur black and red, and styled my quills just like you do. My friend Rouge asked me to quickly pick up a pre-paid order for her from some stores, so I was able to just walk in and pick them up. And finally, there are no receipts in the bags because I kept them in my purse!" She nodded.
"So that news story meant absolutely nothing." The Ultimate Lifeform shrugged. "Guess we don't need this cop, then." Shadow punched the police officer in the head, knocking the chap unconscious. Gemini and Ciel exchanged glances.
"…Shadow?" They both said at the same time (those freaky twin abilities again…). "The camera's still on." Much to the hedgie's horror, the light of the camera blazed green, recording every moment.
"Fu-bleeeeeeep!" There IS a law against cursing on the news, you know (or at least, I think there is). With no other option, Shadow grabbed his siblings by their shirt collars, and jumped into Silhouette's car. Flipping on the ignition, the car came to life, and sped away from the flaming newscast building.
"Hey, my car! Thieves!" The Shadow-fan stared dejectedly at the spot her vehicle was just in. "I didn't even get an autograph…" She turned to the camera, the only thing left with her. "Ah well…thank you for watching the Channel 6 News! Good Night!"
Twas fun, twas fun. Next time (if all goes according to plan); Shadow is forced to visit a psychiatrist with his brothers…what could go wrong now?
(Special Note to Rose: Sorry, I had to change Sil's explanation a bit to fit the chapter, kay? She probably just said that as an excuse, though…maybe she didn't want the bro's to notice her yet? Oh well…)