A/N: My apologies for the late update. I've been going through some personal matters that have made the act of writing difficult. I will try to get back onto my usual updating schedule.
Readers of the original Unquestionable Love might recognize a scene or two that happen here. I've added to them, however, so they aren't merely a rehash of material. They've been extended.
Many thanks to my wonderful beta reader, Brittny.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is copyrighted to and belongs to JK Rowling. I'm just playing in her sandbox.
Chapter 25: To Know Thyself
"Severus..." said a soft, eerie voice he recognized, its owner emerging from a gloom-infested corner of what appeared to be some kind of rundown shack.
"My Lord," Severus replied with a quick bow of his black head before he stood up straighter, if that were possible, his arms laced behind his back.
He had been long prepared for Voldemort's orders. It was nearing the end of term, almost the beginning of June, and time was running out.
"I trust Draco is preparing himself for the task ahead?"
It was not a question. The Dark Lord circled Severus slowly, deliberately, in his long, dark robes that glided airily along the uneven floorboards. Nagini slithered at his side as usual, every so often raising her head to stare up at Severus curiously.
"The boy is preparing well enough, my Lord," Severus lied, shielding his mind to block Voldemort from detecting his fib.
"Well enough?" Lord Voldemort hissed, not at all happy with this news.
Severus, however, did not cower or flinch at his master's raised voice. "I continue to question his ability to carry out this task, my Lord, but I have confidence that, when the moment arrives, he may prove us all wrong."
"He must go through with the plan, Severus. There will be no mercy for the Malfoy family if he doesn't..."
"I assure you, my Lord, if Draco is incapable of killing Professor Dumbledore, I will handle the matter myself."
Severus had grown weary of this declaration months ago. Every time he repeated the proclamation to kill the Headmaster, it depleted his energy further, severing him limb by limb. If he could, he would have sunk into the floor and evaporated. But he couldn't.
"I trust you will, Severus... Dumbledore must be dealt with. And soon."
"He will be dealt with," Severus asserted with the utmost composure, "and he will have no idea of what he's in for."
If only that were true...
"Yes..." Lord Voldemort hissed, lacing his fingers together with an evil smile lining his thin mouth. "You will perform the deed if the need arises?"
"Yes, my Lord," Severus replied without hesitation, repeating the words he had declared long ago. "I will kill Albus Dumbledore if I must. I will not fail you."
"Excellent. Bellatrix and the others will be entering Hogwarts as planned. I trust you to make yourself scarce; we don't want Dumbledore getting wind of the plan."
"He won't, my Lord."
"He'd better not." Severus stood silent, waiting respectfully for his master to continue. "I am most pleased with your efforts, Severus. You have proven yourself time and again to be one of my most trusted compatriots. I expect you to keep Bellatrix under control. She may not harm Potter. Anyone else is fair game."
"I will do so, my Lord."
"Very well." He gave the professor his creepy, yellow-tainted, catlike grin; one Severus would never get used to, nor forget. "Next time I see you, there will be a new Headmaster at Hogwarts."
Severus returned the Dark Lord's elated smile; inside, his lungs were caving into his stomach. "Indeed, my Lord..."
"Severus? Are you all right?"
"No, of course not, Albus."
"You agreed."
"I know I did. That doesn't mean I have to respect your decision."
"I wish you would."
"Damn it, man! It's not your soul that will be ripped apart by this! It's not you who will weather the aftermath of everything that will happen here. Consider yourself fortunate. I wish our roles were reversed. I wish it were me!"
"Don't say that, Severus. You are far more resilient than I. And that is saying something."
"Don't."
"It's true... I don't know of another wizard who can do what you can do, nor another who will endure what you will to protect Harry. I'm counting on you, Severus. We all are."
"That's because I was never given the chance to refuse!"
"Ahhh, but you were, Severus. You did choose. And you chose correctly."
"No politics, Albus—"
"Only truth."
Severus and Dumbledore stared at each other across the small gap that divided them in the Headmaster's office. A brilliant moon shone through one of the tall glass windows, trickling a strange, bluish light down into the center of the room. Only a handful of candles were lit, but the space was mostly engulfed in shadow, illustrating to the two powerful men in the room the gravity of the situation, and how everything was about to change...
"I trust Harry got you what you sought from Slughorn?"
"He did, yes. He confirmed that Slughorn was the one who informed Tom about the Horcruxes."
"But that still doesn't help us in locating—"
"No, it doesn't, but I believe I've found the locket, as I've already told you. I intend to take Harry with me to fetch it."
"When?"
"Tomorrow evening."
"Tomorrow?"
"You yourself said that Bellatrix and the others will be infiltrating Hogwarts tomorrow evening. Therefore, I mustn't delay."
"But..."
Severus lost his sense of speech. It seemed to be all happening so fast now, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Nothing at all. And Hermione...
Hermione...
"Severus," Dumbledore urged, bringing Severus out of his reflections. He was now standing in front of him and placed his aged hands gently on the Slytherin's shoulders. The look he bore was that of a father gazing upon a son, and it took Severus aback, leaving him jolted and slightly sickened. "A lot is riding on you, I know. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I daresay befriending Miss Granger over this past term has to have been one of the few surprises I'm grateful for. I don't know how much you've confided in her—I can't imagine much, knowing how careful and guarded you are—but for what little comfort her friendship has provided you, I'm glad of it.
"Harry will need you, Severus. You know you can't disclose anything to him until the opportune moment. You must be patient, and only once Voldemort is weakened. Miss Granger must be prepared as well. I know you've been trying to prep her carefully and discreetly, but it might be worth giving her a little more information before tomorrow night.
"After tomorrow, everything will change. And you will probably never get another opportunity to tell her what needs to be done..."
"Are you suggesting I tell her of Voldemort's plan?"
"No, Severus. She can't know, as much as you would wish her to. We need to let it appear as if things are going according to Voldemort's will. But if there is a way to tell her more about the Horcruxes—"
"I've told her everything I know, Albus."
Dumbledore's eyes widened in surprise. "You have?"
"Yes." He paused. "With the exception of Potter.
"Oh... Well, that is good."
"Should I tell her about you and Potter? Your plans?"
"I told Harry we would go tomorrow. I'm sure Mr. Weasley and Miss Granger are already well-informed."
"Very well."
"Severus?"
Severus gazed at Dumbledore expressionlessly, knowing it would be the last time he would ever look into those twinkling, all-knowing blue eyes; those half-moon spectacles; and that elderly face that could at once shake him to anger, but then bring him back around to the utmost respect in a matter of moments.
"You may feel very much on your own in the months to come, but you aren't alone. Remember that."
Severus didn't know what to say, and in truth, there wasn't much he could think of. He bowed to the Headmaster respectfully, making sure to keep his pale face rigid and unmoved, and slowly took his leave from Dumbledore's office. The last time that it would be his. The last night that it would belong to the one wizard Voldemort feared the most.
Hermione had been anxious ever since Harry informed her earlier that night that he and Dumbledore would be off to locate one of the Horcruxes. It was dangerous, and she would not be permitted to help. Granted, anyone would feel safe with Dumbledore in tow, but even Hermione was having her reservations about him now. The Headmaster hadn't looked well in recent weeks and hardly anyone but Severus or Harry was known to have seen him.
Severus's presence, too, had grown scarce, and Hermione knew why. He was always being summoned, and there were days during D.A.D.A. when he looked on the verge of collapsing from exhaustion. No one else seemed to notice this alarming change, however.
Draco was also frequently absent from class, something that Harry stewed over quite a bit. Ron had slowly made his way back into their circle as well, grumbling a half-arsed apology for his actions, but it was clear he was still very much resentful towards Hermione and wasn't about to let her forget how he felt. Harry's upcoming dangerous adventure with Dumbledore seemed to lessen Ron's agitation a bit, which was about the only thing Hermione was thankful for at present.
There was an unsettling fear in the air. Everyone felt it. Even the staff was starting to act relatively testy and worried. Hermione was desperate to talk it over with Severus, but he was hardly ever available anymore, and when he did show up for her continued detention sessions, he wasn't able to speak much on account of everything he had to do, and Hermione didn't have the heart to press him where it wasn't warranted.
But something was terribly wrong...
The night Harry told her about going to find the locket with Dumbledore, Hermione decided to chance another midnight outing to Severus's office. She knew she would probably regret it because the professor more than likely wouldn't be there anyhow, but the Gryffindor in her was willing to take her chances.
Hermione slipped into a pair of worn jeans and a light sweatshirt, threw back her hair into a loose ponytail, and tip toed out of the common room clutching two books that she had taken out of the library earlier that day in the hopes of asking Severus more about the locket. Crookshanks lazily stayed on his comfortable perch at the end of her bed, giving her a very reproachful regard as she quietly left the room.
Hermione strode briskly through the corridors. It may have been early June, but the nights at Hogwarts were still a little chillier than the norm. She was just turning a corner when she spotted the familiar silhouette of Severus at the end of the hallway in front of a Hogwarts statue. He seemed to spot her at the very same moment as she and froze, his robes flaring out behind him against the gentle breeze.
"Severus!" she exclaimed, though still trying to keep quiet. She made a mad dash towards him and was puzzled when he backed away instead of approaching her.
"Miss Granger?"
Hermione could just make out his face in the darkness against a nearby flaming torch. He looked frazzled and out of sorts, and not at all in the mood to be disturbed, which immediately disappointed her.
"'Miss Granger'?" she repeated, scrunching up her nose.
Severus cleared his throat and gave her his stern upper lip. "You should get back to bed. Now. What have I told you about wandering the corridors at night?"
"But I—"
"Haven't you learned?"
"I was just—"
"I'm not interested in any childish excuses. Get back to Gryffindor Tower."
"Severus, why on earth—"
"Go now!" he barked with a force that startled her. He started to storm off in the opposite direction when Hermione reached out to seize his arm. He threw his head around with an animal-like snarl. "Miss Granger, would you desist?"
Severus made an elegant wave of his arm to prevent her from touching him and strolled onward, leaving her dumbfounded. Hermione wasn't about to give up so easily though and scampered after him, her caramel irises staring up at him imploringly when she reached his side again.
"Oh, so it's 'Miss Granger' now, is it?" she exclaimed heatedly as she attempted to keep pace with him. Severus, however, plunged down another dim corridor at full speed in an obvious attempt to lose her, causing Hermione to question whether he even knew where he was going.
"That was a mistake!" Severus spat as they rounded a corner. "It was highly inappropriate and I renounce it!"
Hermione felt as if the wind had been sucked out of her lungs. "What?"
"I should never have called you by your first name, Miss Granger, and I will abstain from doing so in the future."
Jolted and not knowing what else to say for the moment, Hermione grumbled, "You would," rather painfully and turned away from him, staring straight ahead but refusing to fall back.
Severus glanced sideways at her, his pallid face softening only momentarily at observing the injury he had caused; but Hermione took no notice of it. She was far too hurt, her emotional reaction visible by her reddened cheeks and pursed lips.
Severus sighed and abruptly quit walking, causing Hermione to stumble forward. She had been practically tripping over herself to keep up with him, and his sudden stop threw her off balance. She clutched the two thick books she was carrying to her chest and glared up at him, waiting.
"It's not suitable for me to address you in such a way, Miss Granger. You should be well aware of that."
"But I thought..."
"What?" he growled, scrunching his pointed nose most unpleasantly.
"I thought we were friends..."
Her voice lingered on the last word, a mixture of awe and yearning decipherable in how it was so carefully phrased. She felt stupid for saying it. After all, as far as she was concerned—and she thought Severus thought so as well—they were more than friends now. So much more...
Hermione reverted from looking him in the eyes anymore and, instead, turned her gaze to the stone floor. Severus's glower subsided, but only a little.
"Miss Granger... I am your professor. I cannot be your friend."
"What?" Hermione breathed, her eyes meeting his again despite her intentions not to look. Another wounded expression surfaced. "That's not..."
"What, Miss Granger?"
Hermione pouted, her lower lip starting to quiver. "That's not what you said before..."
"I shouldn't have said it."
Hermione could hardly comprehend what was happening anymore. How had things drastically changed so quickly?
"How can you..." Her question drifted away with the night air, leaving her mouth hanging open.
In the heat of the moment, Severus grew impatient and rounded on her quickly. "How can I what? Spit it out, Miss Granger! You're testing my patience!"
"Oh, never mind!"
"Indeed!"
Hermione huffed and stomped her foot on the floor. Severus placed his hands behind his back as he stared down at her with clear indignation and an unnerving calmness that only made her feel worse. Much worse.
"Acting like a child will get you nowhere in life, Granger. I suggest you use words to formulate your thoughts rather than reverting to temper tantrums like that of a five-year-old. It's unbecoming."
Hermione's cheeks flushed an even brighter shade of red. "You...!" she started, her voice now trembling along with her lower lip.
"Your gift of vocabulary, Granger, continues to astound me. Are you quite through?"
"You - You are despicable!"
"How illuminating," Severus drawled, showcasing his trademark scowl.
"I don't know why I ever trusted you! You're an arrogant, bitter, deceitful man! And you think of no one but yourself!"
Severus let out a weary sigh. "In that case, you will have to excuse me. I have more important things to do than stand here and listen to you stammer on about how horrid I am. Goodnight, Granger."
"It's Hermione!" she snapped, her eyebrows coming together as she fought back tears. "And you know it!"
"I already told you, Grang—"
"Why are you doing this? What have I done?"
Severus stepped back and ran his long fingers through his tresses. He didn't want to end it this way; he didn't want to end it at all, but he hardly knew how else to approach things anymore. He was raw and unwound and at odds with everything and everyone, including her.
"You haven't done anything—" he started to explain with another heavy sigh before Hermione interrupted him.
"Then what's changed in the past twenty-four hours?"
"I - I can't—"
"You can't tell me, right?"
It was a challenge but marked by an underlying desire to help. Severus, however, growled excitedly, frustrated with her prodding.
"Why don't you go back to that block-headed buffoon you're so enraptured with, Mr. Weasley, and leave me be? Your constant barraging and need to disrupt my life have grown beyond tiresome, Granger! ENOUGH!"
Hermione's eyes widened. "What?"
"Are you incapable of understanding?"
"No, Sev—" she quickly stopped and corrected herself, "Sir!"
"Very well, then!"
He started to walk away from her, though there was a flash of guilt written on his exhausted countenance as he left. He was well aware of hurting Hermione, and it obviously pained him to do so, but she had not seen this swift reflection. It was gone as quickly as it had come.
"Sev—Snape, please!" Hermione begged, sounding desperate and not at all in control anymore. "I - I just want to help you! Please, don't walk away from me..."
Severus hesitantly turned around, his cloak sweeping the floor along with his stride. He surveyed her face through narrowed, spiritless eyes. After a long pause, he finally addressed her, and, when he did, his voice was low and barely above a whisper, even though no one was around to overhear.
"You cannot help me, Miss Granger... Go away."
"But—"
"It's late, and if you don't return to your dormitory immediately, Mr. Filch and Mrs. Norris will find you soon enough. I will not weasel you out of a detention should you get yourself caught. Now go."
"Please!" Hermione insisted, stepping forward even though she knew it was probably futile. "I know something's wrong. I can see it in your eyes. You can't fool me. What is it?" When Severus continued to stare at her silently, she took another careful step towards him, almost afraid he would Disapparate on her if she came any closer. "You can tell me, Severus..."
This time, there was no flash of anger or scolding for addressing him so inappropriately. His shoulders stiffened, but it was the only part of him that reacted. Hermione waited for Severus to respond but, to her dismay, he said nothing, only projected that penetrating gaze he so often used when he was staring straight through someone to their very soul.
"It's him, isn't it?" she pressed, reaching out to the dark wizard before thinking better of it. "What do you know, Severus? What does Voldemort want of you now? Has it anything to do with Harry? Is he in danger?"
"Miss Gran—"
"Hermione," she repeated, this time with calmness. Before he could say something snide, she added hastily, "No one's here. It's only you and me. Why can't you call me that when it's just us? I am your f - friend," she paused on the rest of her sentence, feeling terribly fragile, "if nothing else. I don't care what you say..."
I'm more than that to you, I know it...
"I don't wish for yours or anyone's company," Severus grumbled, giving her a cold look that made her shiver. The unhappiness in his voice, however, betrayed his words. "Leave me alone."
"Severus..."
"I can never fall in love again."
His words lingered in the air far after he had spoken them aloud, and Hermione felt as if a knife had sliced its way through her heart. She stepped back, aghast and lost for words. Tears were prickling her eyes as she tried to prevent them from falling.
"Severus... How can you say that?"
"What else is there to say?" he returned quietly, leaving her bereft of air.
"What we have... Everything that's happened between us... Does - Does that mean nothing to you?"
Severus flinched ever so slightly, his hands balling into fists. The tears that finally fell down Hermione's cheeks made him anguished and squeamish all at once. He hated himself. He needed to get away from her immediately, and yet, his feet were molded to where he stood. He was virtually paralyzed. Unwilling to go, unwilling to stay.
"I can't do this," he struggled to get out after a moment.
Hermione reared back as if she had been personally struck. "Why, Severus?" she choked. "Why?"
"I don't know."
"What did I do? Please tell me what I've done?"
"It's not you, Hermione," he whispered, delicately saying her name at last. "It's me."
Hermione quickly wiped her tears on her sleeve, stifling the sobs that were making their way to the surface. "If it's not me, then what's changed in you?"
"Nothing's changed."
"Huh?"
"I... I told you. I am incapable of falling in love again. It was a mistake, on my part, to believe I could."
Hermione could only stare, pained and stripped of composure. Finally, she took another step towards him, her voice barely above the summer breeze that swept in from the courtyard nearby.
"But I... I thought..."
Severus waited, and then straightened his shoulders. The words were on the tip of his tongue, and it took all the magical energy he had to put an end to everything.
"You thought wrong."
Severus couldn't take it any longer. He didn't want to study the sorrow that poured over Hermione's face, stung and struck down by his final blow. If he stayed another moment, he would cave and bring the distraught and horribly injured Hermione into his arms and confess that he was a liar and a bastard, both of which were true. The hurt written all over Hermione's beautiful face was enough to discourage him, and Severus forced himself to push on, away from her, for what he suspected would be the very last time.
And this time, Hermione didn't call after him, simply too rattled to do so. She stood, frozen, watching as Severus's dark silhouette disappeared into the shadows at the end of the hallway, leaving her confused, emotionally raw, and entirely alone.
Severus dashed to the D.A.D.A. room and up the stairs to his office. He collapsed into his leather chair and rubbed at his temples, heaving a burdened sigh as he did so. He whisked his wand in a circle and an image conjured into the air, meant for his eyes only.
The vivid picture that formed showed him binding hands with someone—a handsome woman with long blonde hair. She was beautiful, but her eyes were forlorn and crushed. Tears were pouring down her face. Narcissa Malfoy.
Someone else was present, too. A disheveled, frightening-looking woman with black, lumpy hair that resembled that of a skunk's tail. Bellatrix.
A ripple of bright light twisted around Severus's and Narcissa's arms as they gripped each other tight. The Unbreakable Vow...
"I promised," Severus murmured to himself, staring at the image with an acid reflection that only grew the longer he stared at the unfolding memory. He suddenly brought a hand to his head and closed his eyes. "I can't do this," he said resignedly, sounding and looking beyond fatigued.
After a long moment, he flicked his wrist and the image reverted back into his wand. He leaned against his chair and stared lazily at the unlit fireplace. With another swift wave of his wand, bursts of flame brought the space much-desired light and warmth.
"Hermione," he whispered aloud. This time, it carried all the tenderness and delicacy with how he truly regarded the young woman. "What will you think of me, my Hermione, when this is over?"
It was a rhetorical question, not meant for anyone's ears, but the gravity of it fell upon the room and lingered, unwelcomed. Severus already knew the answer. She would despise him; hate him just as the rest of the wizarding world would come to do in a matter of hours...
"Hurry!" Bellatrix squealed with delight, skipping a few steps, as if she were marking some great celebration.
She and several Death Eaters made their way towards the Astronomy Tower. The Vanishing Cabinet had worked its magic, and now it was time to ensure that the young Malfoy fulfilled his pledge of finishing what he started.
Severus sensed their progression with his intuitive, heavily guarded magic, even from afar, as he, too, made his way towards the Astronomy Tower to meet them all. His very brisk walk felt entirely too slow. It was equivalent to an out-of-body experience, in which the wizard was watching himself progress, ascending towards his fate like a man walking the plank to his demise.
He thought of Lily, reminding himself that this was all for her—it had always been for her—and prayed for the courage he would need in just a few moments time; he knew he could do it, and that he must, but his conscience and racing heart held him back now that the moment was near.
Severus thought it had something to do with Lily. He even thought it might be about Harry; as misguided as the boy may be about Severus's intentions, Severus had always protected him to the best of his ability. Was it regret for his treatment of the orphaned boy that now caused this hesitation?
No... Then it came to him as unforgivably as a severe punch to the stomach: Hermione.
"Please forgive me," he begged aloud, whispering against the stifling night air. "It's not what it seems. It's not what it seems..."
She'll never draw that conclusion, Severus. After this, she'll never be naïve enough to trust you ever again...
Severus progressed up the steps, as if in slow motion. He could hear muffled voices coming from the top floor. As he had concluded earlier, they were already here. And Draco... Would he do it? Would he miraculously save Severus the agony of performing the Unforgivable Curse himself?
Don't, Severus. The boy's soul needn't be contaminated for your unworthy sake. He deserves a chance. Your soul is already damaged and was forsaken long ago. You have to do this...
Then Severus reached the top, and for a split second, his legs froze. He could sense Harry crouched and hidden beneath the Invisibility Cloak nearby, locked in a body-bind, and felt additionally weakened on the spot. The boy would witness everything. Severus hadn't been sure if Harry would be here tonight, but knowing that he was present made this more difficult than it was already turning out to be. How Dumbledore ever expected Harry to trust him—to believe Severus once he told the boy everything he needed to know—after this would be truly miraculous...
As Severus stepped onto the platform, the swarm of Death Eaters parted like the Red Sea. Draco stepped back and shot Severus an expression of relief and appreciation, that changed to one of horror at what his godfather was about to do.
Severus locked eyes on his master, the elderly, mighty wizard he respected and loathed simultaneously. That man was no more. Dumbledore was clinging to the stone wall, half slunk against it, looking entirely feeble and defeated.
"Severus, please..." Dumbledore pleaded softly, in a gentle tone that scorched through Severus's veins and caused his mouth to run dry.
For one defining moment, Severus's mind wandered to a certain young woman, the sole individual who, in only a few short months, had become his one source of comfort and companionship these past lonely seventeen years. Hermione.
I'm so sorry, he wanted to shout from the rooftops, hoping the Gryffindor might even be awake to hear his desperate cry for forgiveness. This isn't me. It isn't. I NEVER WANTED ANY OF THIS!
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
His lips performed the Killing Curse before his mind could fully grasp the magnitude of the spell he had unleashed, and in a flash of green light, the lifeless body of Albus Dumbledore gracefully descended from the ledge, taking all the former projections of loyalty and allegiance of one Severus Snape with him. Severus watched Dumbledore's body disappear from the Astronomy Tower, and felt the cruel embrace of exile wrap him in its hold for what Severus determined must be for good. Or the rest of his life, however short it may be.
Now, Severus Snape, you are truly alone...
A/N #2: And so ends The Half-Blood Prince. Well, almost. Time for Deathly Hallows...