Jacob Have I Loved

Chapter 25

"Here we are, Jessica." Harry says as he pulls his black car into my driveway. The baseball game is now long forgotten. I can't even remember if the Mariners won or not. Some game.

"Thanks, Harry. You too, Billy." I place my hand on the passenger side door handle—the same one I broke off several weeks ago. Memories flood my mind. Bittersweet memories that I will never have again. I look over at Jake before exiting the car, but he doesn't even seem to notice I'm there. I feel an overwhelming sadness take over my heart. "Well, goodnight then."

I steal one last glance at Jake as images of our past together scar my mind. What have I done? I've broken his heart beyond repair—dismantled his very soul. I don't even deserve to be in his presence.

A clean break. I tell myself, fighting back the tears.

"Dad, would you mind if I walked home tonight?" My hand freezes on the door handle. Jake has finally spoken after four hours of silence. "I would like to talk to Jess for a few minutes."

"Sure, Jake." Billy reaches over and pats his son on the shoulder. "I'm sure you two have a lot to talk about."

Abruptly, Jake opens his door and slams it shut. Great. He's furious with me. I guess it's what I deserve for not telling him sooner about the move to Sacramento.

Replacing my fingers on the handle, I feel Harry's warm hand on my shoulder.

"Jess, I'm sorry." Harry doesn't even need to apologize. I'm the guilty one here, but I'm grateful for his gesture nonetheless. Then, he speaks under his breath, "For everything."

For everything? I wonder what Harry could possibly mean by those last two words. Does he know something he's not telling me? I decide to not push the issue. Jake is my priority right now.

"That's ok, Harry." A single tear trickles down my left cheek, and I quickly brush it away. "Goodnight. Thanks for the game."

I exit the car and shut my door, walking over to where Jake now stands on the edge of the forest. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him that I love him, that I don't want to go to California, that I want to stay with him forever. But I know that's based only on my feelings, not reality. We are not meant to be together, and it cuts down to the core every time I think about it.

"Jake, I can explain." As I speak, Jake turns around, and I can discern from the redness of his eyes that he has been crying. My heart shatters into a thousand pieces. This is going to be much harder than I thought.

"Jess, how long have you known about this?" Jake's voice is just above a whisper almost as if he is trying to force the words from his mouth.

"Just for a few days." I swallow, trying to keep my heart from regurgitating up my throat. "I wanted to tell you sooner. It's just . . ."

Before I can finish what I have to say, Jake pulls me to him, kissing me with the utmost urgency. I sense the grief mixed with misery in the taste of his lips. But there is also desire. A desire to keep what he loves. I can taste it in his tears.

"Jess, I can't lose you." Jake breaks off from my lips, breathless.

I pull him closer to me, letting the incredible heat of his body comfort me. How can I deny my love for him? What the fuck am I doing? Can't I change the course of the future? Who cares about destiny? Why can't we make our own?

"We can make this work." Jake releases me, cupping his hands around my face. "We can call and write and email . . ."

Taking his hands into mine, I let them go. They drop awkwardly to his sides as a dumbfounded look fills Jake's face. I sigh and take two steps back, feeling the previously-ingested hot dog begin to reverse its way back up my throat.

"Jake, I don't think we should see each other anymore." I look away from him, pinching my eyes together. My hands clench into fists, my nails almost digging into my palms. The burning itch starts rippling under my flesh. NO! I can't change in front of him. Then, he would totally freak out. I must stay under control.

After about a minute, Jake asks, "You're breaking up with me?"

Breaking up. I thought I would never see the day when Jake and I would part ways. But it's true in every sense of those two words. Our love is ending. I need to break it off now or never. A clean break.

"Yes." It's the only word I can manage to say. I put my head into my hands, and the waterworks begin.

I feel Jake's arms embrace me from behind as the tears moisten the palms of my hands. "Jess, we don't have to break up. We can make it work. We can." He squeezes me tightly as if he is trying to convince us both that a long distance relationship could last between us.

"But, Jake, we'll never see each other." I try to persuade him, hating myself for doing this to him.

"Yeah, but . . ." He spins me around to look into my eyes. "I don't have to see you to love you."

My heart absolutely melts at Jake's words. He truly loves me, and I am such a heinous bitch! FUCK! Damn you, Ephraim Black!

Just do it already and get the hell out of here. My brain screams at me. The longer this takes the worse you'll hurt him.

I force the thoughts from my head and focus on Jake's beautiful eyes. They are piercing right through me like that day he held me in the freezing water after we jumped off the cliff, like that day we made the most beautiful, passionate love. I find myself completely under his spell.

Jake reaches his right hand around my waist and forcefully draws my body to his. I wrap my arms around his neck, feeling his lips start to explore my neck. I moan, relishing in the sensation rushing through my body. He's intoxicating me again. How will I ever survive in California without a fix from him?

"Come on." Jake releases me, taking my left hand and leading me deeper into the woods.

What am I doing? What am I doing? UGH!! Wake up, Jessica! Wake up! You can't do this.

I mentally flog myself for letting him affect me in this way. But he is just too damn sexy, and I can't help myself.

After a few minutes, a clearing comes into view. Streams of moonlight streak down through the trees surrounding it.

As we enter the clearing, Jake pulls me to him again, crushing my lips with his. Before I know it, we are tugging at each other's clothing, and I can't control myself. I allow his hands to travel over my bare skin, to touch me in all the right places. I feel like such a whore, but I can't make myself stop. I'm drowning in him body and soul.

We collapse to the damp grass, completely nude. The warmth of his fingers on my breasts feels amazing. I reach down and gently stroke his manhood as he moves his right hand down to my waist. Jake plunges his middle finger into me, causing me to whimper in a mixture of pleasure and heartache. Heartache because I know this will be our last time together.

Twisting his finger inside me and reaching that perfect spot, Jake makes me climax after only several seconds.

"Oh, God, Jake. YES!" I scream into the night.

Jake then removes his finger and does something I never would have suspected. He places his middle finger in his mouth, sucking it free of all my wetness. Oh, God, that was so fucking sexy!

"Mmm." Jake approves of my taste, looking at me with those "fuck me" eyes.

I grab him by the shoulder with one arm while my other hand fastens around his raging hard-on. Jake adjusts himself so that he is between my legs, and I place him at my entrance.

"Jake, after tonight, I want you to forget about me." My half-hearted words cause Jake to raise his head in alarm.

"What are you saying, Jess?" Jake brushes my hand from his member and takes my face into his palms. "I could never forget you."

"Yes, you will. You will find someone else. She is waiting out there for you." I'm sobbing at this point. Not even believing the words that are rambling from my mouth. How can he believe such lies?

"I refuse to believe it, Jess. You're the only one I've ever wanted." Jake kisses me passionately on the lips, making me wetter, making it even harder for me to continue.

"You think that now, but . . . in time, you won't want me anymore." I force my words out amongst his kisses. He must listen to me!

"Jess, you are talking crazy!" Jake smiles, almost laughing at what I'm saying.

"Please, Jake." I take his hands from around my face and place them to my breasts. Jake looks down at the new position of his hands and then back up at my face. "Forget me."

"You're serious." He places his hands on either side of my body in the grass.

"Yes, Jake. I am." I try to convince myself as well. "Now, promise me."

"I can't promise that, Jess. I love you. I could never forget you." Jake's stubbornness radiates from his eyes as they look into mine. He's going to put up a fight for me. I should have known as much.

I've run out of words to say. Feeling defeated, I relax my back against the carpet-like grass and gaze up at the moon.

Suddenly, I feel the tickle of small kisses covering my neck again.

A seductive, husky voice begins to speak. "How can I forget this?"

Lips touch mine.

"Or this?"

The wetness of a tongue circles my left nipple.

"Or this?"

Kisses trace the path from my breasts to my waist.

"Or this?"

Jakes gently thrusts himself into me, filling me completely with his cock. I tangle my fingers into his long, black tresses as he makes love to me with the moon as our spotlight. My body feels almost numb. I try to feel the pleasure of him inside me, but I am greeted with only pain. It feels like stabbing knives are inside me. I gasp for breath, wanting to push him off of me, feeling helpless to tell him to stop.

"I love you, Jess." Jake whispers, tugging my ear with his teeth.

I can't bring myself to return his words. I'm not worthy enough to love him. Instead, I shut my eyes and command him, "Just fuck me, Jake. Fuck me. Don't stop."

Jake responsively moans at my words, thrusting harder into me. The burning pain is almost unbearable, but it is what I deserve. He has the right to hurt me like I have hurt him.

I take the growing agony without flinching until Jake finishes. He crumples on top of me, beads of sweat rolling off his forehead.

Finally, mustering up enough strength, I push him off of me.

"Jake, this is our last goodnight." I tell him, gritting my teeth. "It's over."

He grabs my shoulder and pulls me into his lap, frowning. With surrender in his tone, he confesses, "I was afraid you were going to say that."

And for several hours, we hold each other in one desperate embrace, crying onto one another's shoulders. This is truly our last goodnight. This is where our love ends.

Attn: This was such a hard chapter to write, but I hope you at least tried to enjoy it. Please leave me your thoughts. In case you're wondering, this story isn't over quite yet. This chapter was inspired by "(The Symphony of) Blasé" by Anberlin.