I love it. I am in my grandparent's kitchen and I am in a tee shirt. I am sitting in a tee shirt after the very dirty things that I did with Derek. Do you see the point? I am sitting here in a tee shirt sipping water after fucking my fuck buddy in my grandma's home. This is a big deal. I actually think their are rules against this. Thou shalt not fuck in thine grandparents home using ropes and whips. Yep, I think I read that somewhere. I hope they didn't. I am a very bad girl. Oh so bad.
"Mer..." I think I hear him say. If I do, it is faint. I think he may have screamed his voice right out. I am sure it is gone for awhile. I think he may be traumatized. I really think he is.
I guess I could go back down there and get him, but quite honestly, I'm a bit afraid. I maybe should run when I untie him. I think there is a small chance that he will come after me. I think I maybe be in for it. I think I may cut an run. No, better yet, I will untie one and let him get the rest while I run like hell. That is what I must do.
I walk coyly down the stairs. When I get there, he is either going to be damaged or he will be pissed. Or maybe both. I just know that Derek is a very big man and he can easily overpower me. I have so screwed myself. I mean, I'm really not sure what he is going to do to me. Even if I run, he will get me eventually. They always do. They always do, and right now, I am looking into his eyes. Yep, he will try.
"That was fucking wrong." Derek growls as he lays there. He is looking rough. Everyone looks rough post-coital, but this is different. He is looking really rough. Those dark curls are a mess. His cock is tired and limp. And he body has the sheen of sweat over his chest. I'm not sure if it is from pleasure or the stress from fighting the ropes.
"Oh, Derek... You know you like it." I tease as I stand there. They say that guys find women in tee shirts incredibly sexy. I'm not sure if I believe that, but I know that I am not banking on it to save me. "You had fun..." Now I am just hoping he says yes and not, you crazy bitch, you tried to kill me.
"Just untie me." He spits angrily as he looks up at me. I sigh. I do need to untie me. I think there are laws against this. This is some kind of imprisonment, I am sure of it.
"Okay." I say with a nod. I screwed him up. I seriously did. He has red marks. He has welts. Little red welts from the popper of the crop. You can tell that I beat the shit out of him. Fucking domestic violence charges too. Domestic violence and imprisonment. Damn, I think I could go away for a long time. You know what I think... I think that men and woman prisons may be a good idea. I mean, everyone is happier when they are sexed up. I guess I will suggest that when I go. Or maybe I will just accept conjugal visits. Do you think Derek would visit? Not anymore. I highly doubt it now.
"Thank you." He says as if he is fed up with me. I guess I feel a little bad about it. I mean, he is fed up. Like he hates me. He is infuriated. Damn, I think I went too far. I can't even look at him. It honestly was in good fun.
"Okay..." I say as I walk to the corner of the bed. We have this perfect bed with a head and footboard. it is perfect for tying men up and having your way with them. You know, if Derek doesn't like it, maybe there is a guy that does. I stand at the corner and look at it. As I trace the line of the rope, I see his wrist. He was fighting hard. Hard enough that his wrist are torn to shit. My eyes travel down his hard body and to his feet. The same thing. There is no hiding this. I really screwed up. "There you go." I tell him as I release the rope and look at him like fearful animal.
"What do you mean?" He asks as he moves his arm and goes to work on the other one.
"I'm running. I am fucking running." I tell him frankly. I run. You bet your ass I run. I am not fucking getting caught up in Derek's hailstorm. I'm afraid of Derek at the moment. Right now, I can only imagine him beating my ass. Hell, if I were him, I would choke me. I quickly run, feeling the plush carpet under my feet. It feels great, and I can't even believe I am noticing it. I can't believe it, because all I should be thinking about is the mammoth that is on my ass. Or will be soon.
I rush into my room. I slam the hard wood door as quickly as I can. I flip the lock and sigh. I escaped. I actually made it. I got away from the big beast. I run over to the bed and jump on it. The blankets whoosh as I land, burying my face in the pillows. I wonder if people will even notice that I am living in here. Do you think they will wonder what happened to Meredith?
"Mer..." I hear him say as he knocks on the door. I am not getting up and getting that door. No freaking way. He will kill me. I know he will kill me. "Open the door."
"No way." I say frankly. And it is a no way. "I want to live." I mutter as I lay my head back.
"Come on, Mer... It's okay..." Derek tells me softly. I don't know whether or not to trust him. Hell, if he is nothing like me, I should not trust him. "It's okay... I'm not mad. Just... Open the door. It's fine. Really... It is." I swallow hard as I look at it. He sounds genuine.
"Okay." I say softly as I walk over to the door. Will I regret this?
I place my hand on the door handle. I am going to regret this. I know I will. I can feel it in my bones. Every nerve ending is firing at a rapid pace. He is going to get me. I contemplate not opening the door. See, the thing is, I know he will wait. They always wait. He is going to pop in at some point and give me what is coming to me. I have a lot coming to me. You don't do what I did and get nothing in return.
"Mer... You aren't opening the door." Derek says softly. I have a feeling he is a deceiver. He is coy, but at the same time, he is bold. I need to open the door. I need to.
"I am." I say softly as I turn the handle. Her goes nothing. I mean, anything could happen. Anything could come of this. He would be well within his rights to beat my ass. I hope he won't hit a woman. I obviously have no problem hitting a man. "I'm-" I start as the door parts. Derek quickly shoves it open and grabs my shoulders.
"You're what?" He asks as he forces me to walk backwards towards the bed. I am so close to tripping and tumbling down it's not even funny. Derek is shoving me hard. He is showing his power. He is strong. He is strong and he is taking control. "You're ready to get fucked? You're ready to get it so hard and deep it comes out of your mouth?" He asks as he pushes me hard and I fall on the bed on my back. "That is what you are getting." He tells me frankly.
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! Really, I didn't." I tell him as I look into his deep blue eyes. It's a lie. I did mean it. In fact, at this moment, I am wishing I had hit him much harder. He deserved a few more smacks if I knew he was going to do this.
"Oh... You meant it. I can see it in your eyes." He growls as he hovers his body over mine. I can still see the welts all over him. His body is a wreck. His wrists are damaged. He is a mess. "You fucking meant it. And I mean this." He tells me as he holds my wrists down while he supports his weight.
Derek presses his lips against mine. This hurts me. I hate it. It is painful. It is an emotional pain that has turned into a physical one. I feel his tongue snaking it's way around my mouth. It is like a painful infiltrate as he scrapes across my teeth. I have told him I don't like this, and apparently he doesn't care. I wonder if he really knew how much it hurt, if he would stop. I have a feeling he wouldn't. We are just fuck buddies. He cares about me as much as I care about him. In other words, not at all.
"How was that?" He asks with a grin. I actually think he enjoyed it. I think maybe he even thought I enjoyed it.
"Fuck you, Derek!" I spit as I look into his eyes. I can't keep looking. "You are a fucking cock-sucker. If I had known... I would have hit you harder." I growl.
"Well, I'm going to hit you hard right now." He tells me with and evil laugh as he hovers his naked and hard body over my tee shirt clad one. I can feel his breath upon my neck. I can feel the anger radiating off of him. I just want to make him madder.
"Hit me, Derek. I like being hit. Hit me as hard as you can, you prick. I can handle whatever you have." I laugh in his face as I look up at him. He has me pinned so tightly, I couldn't move if I tried. I watch him laugh heartily as he takes both of my wrists in one hand and holds them above my head. I can feel the pain in my shoulder as he wrenches it out of place. Derek uses his other hand to spread my legs.
"You are going to get hit, baby." He laughs as he swipes his fingers through my slit, feeling my growing wetness. I am turned on, but at the same time, I am upset. I feel like he is taking over. He is taking over, but I am not sure I want him to. I can't submit.
"You don't have a condom on." I say as I looked up at him. His thick hard cock is unsheathed and unspoiled.
"No, I don't. You're lucky I'm clean," He tells me with a smile. "You are the only girl I fuck without a rubber. You should feel so lucky!" He shouts.
Derek drives his thick hard cock into my core. I let out a gasp at his hasty entrance. It hurts. It feels like I am being torn in two. I can hear him groan as he pushes into my tiny core and rams my cervix. I am so hurt and mad. I turn my head to the side and close my eyes. I can't look at him. I did have it coming, but he didn't have to kiss me. I can't deal with him. I will just lay here and take it. I have gotten so good at that.
"You are so fucking tight." He moans as he pulls his long shaft out and slides it back in. I spread my legs further, making it easier for him. He releases my arms and then traps them back down when I lay them to the sides. He is holding the power as his mouth moves to my chest. I can feel him sucking me hard on the delicate flesh of my neck. He is leaving marks. Marks like I left on him, but he is being much gentler. "Have you always been such a little fucking bully?" He groans as he quickens his pace. I feel his chest glide over mine. My hard nipples are dragging on his hard flesh, getting more and more stimulated with every thrust.
"Fuck... Oh god... Yes!" I shout as I feel my body tightening down. My abdomen is getting taunt and starting to ripple in anticipation. "Oh god, yes... Harder, Derek." I beg, knowing it will cause me pain.
"I know you fucking liked it!" He shouts as he drives into me, gripping my wrists so tightly that they sting. I feel his veiny member begin to pulsate as it slide in and out, a layer of my wetness covering it. It feels so amazing without the condom, although I would never admit it to him. "You like it...You like a good hard one. You need a hard one. You should always spread your legs when I tell you to." He spits.
Derek leans down and kisses my lips. I quickly turn away, feeling the pecks on my cheek. Derek turns his head and forces his mouth on mine again. I feel the tears well up as he plays gently with my tongue. I try to pull away, but he continues. I finally think about the cock. His long hard member continually gliding in perfect harmony. I close my eyes and begin to feel it grow even more than it already was.
"Oh..." I moan as I feel my walls clamp down on him, making it increasingly harder to slide in a out. Derek lets out grunts of his own as he drives his member deep inside. "Oh... Oh god... Oh god... It's there. Right there- There!" I shout as I feel the waves coming over me. My uterus and vagina pulsate around him as he continues on.
"Oh god, Mer... Mer... Mer..." He cries out as he began to throb. I feel him quicken in a last stitch effort to let loose. "Oh god..." He gasped as he shoots his hot seeds into my core. A spurt at a time, washing my walls with his sticky white cum. I lay there, feeling our fluids mixing and pouring out of me. "Good... So good." He says as he collapses down onto me. I close my eyes. I have to keep the tears from coming out.
I can't cry in front of him, but I want to so badly. I can't cry. I cannot cry. I have trained myself to hold it in. I have trained myself to keep it from escaping when it wasn't supposed to. I quickly turn my head to the side as he pulls out. I hear him talking happily. He thinks life is grand, and I think it is hell. Right now, he has broken me. It's not him. It's not that I care about him. It is that he pushed me when I told him not to.
"That was good." Derek says for the dozenth time. Maybe it was good for him. It was good for me. The sex was rough. I like rough sex. I have never been one to deny or refuse rough sex. It was the kissing that got me. "Was it good?" Derek asks as he turns towards me. I know he is turning towards me because I can feel the bed move. I am naked in this bed. I don't like him to see me naked. He will spot and think about all my imperfections. I want out, but I am not sure I can get out.
"I need a shower." I say frankly as I climb out of bed. I grab one of the throws on a chair in my room and wrap it around myself. I need to get into that shower quickly. It is the only place I feel safe. I need it like I need air. I am addicted to the shower.
"I'll join you." Derek says happily as he bounds out of bed. I guess he doesn't realize what he did. I can't really blame him for what he has no knowledge of. He only did what he thought I deserved. He only pushed as far as I pushed him, only much less.
"No." I tell him as I walk into the bathroom. "By myself." I add as I shut the door in his face and lock it. I can't cry yet. Not yet. I have to wait until I get in there. I quickly drop the blanket and watch as it pools on the floor. Blankets pool. Tears pool. I peel my tee shirt and bra, tossing them aside. I turn on the water and watch as steam pours out. That is when you know it is just right.
I open the glass shower door and step in. The water is hot. It is extremely warm. I feel the heat lick my skin as I walk in. I am not in here to bathe. I am in here to do what I always do. I am in here to cry. I look at the water, feeling it pour down my face. At that moment, it is safe to let loose. When I cry in here, no one can hear me. I am free to be myself. I am free to feel my pain without judgement. I sob heavily as I hold myself. Self soothing. I have never had anyone to soothe me. I have to self-soothe.
Pain has a way of taking over. It spreads like a vine. It is a disease that gets in and refuses to leave. I have a lot of pain inside of me. So much that it has taken over and taken away the person I used to be. I am certain that I was supposed to be someone else. I think I mutated at some point. It was classic conditioning. The events in my life molded and shaped me into what I am. They changed me forever, and even with a fight, I cannot get back to who I once was. And I wonder if anyone knows me. Is there anyone around that remembers the original Meredith. They are so used to me, that they forgot that I once was a good person.
Life changes you. everything that you do, affects you. You can walk through like I do and pretend it isn't true, but it is. The little insignificant things have a way of becoming significant. There are things that you do and you never ever realize that you do them. There are big things that you do, that you dwell on and they don't even matter. And then there are the things that change others. Things that you do that may shake them to their core and change them forever. There are things that you do. Big things. Life altering things. Hurtful thing. And then there are unforgivable things.
I sob as the tears slide down the drain. It feels so good to get them out. The loud water cascading over my body. I turn it hotter. It needs to burn my flesh. I like to feel the pain. I deserve the pain of the hot water. I deserve something for all that is wrong in the world. I have to keep doing it. I have to keep turning up the hot water and burning myself as I cry. I rock. Rocking seems to help me. I rock and I burn.
There comes a time when you have to pull yourself together. For me, it is when that door opens. I open the door and I walk out with a face of stone. I pretend that life is livable and I lock away my pain in there. I let a bit of the poison that is my tears leak out and wash down the drain. Enough to maintain the levels and the balance of life. I will say that soap got in my eyes. That is why they are red. Soap. I look down at myself. I am beet red from the water. It gives me red blotches it is so hot. I never realize it is that hot. I have come to enjoy and accept the pain.
I quickly look down, realizing I have nothing to wear. I wrap the throw around my wet naked body and open the door. I don't see Derek and I am grateful. I rush into my room, shutting and locking the door. This time, I will not answer it. This time, I am in here for the night. I want nothing to do with anyone. I just want my pain. I need to cover my body and embrace it. I will be fine. I just need these moments of pity and self hate to get me through.
I pull on a pair of pajama pants and a tee shirt. I never dried my hair. I will let the air dry it. I pull back the covers on my bed and lay my head on the pillow. The water from my hair quickly soaks into the pillow making it cold and wet. I pull the covers up to my shoulders and close my eyes. I will just tell them I don't feel good. You would think they would wonder why I am always tired and always sick. You would think.