Title: Lists (Part Four)
Genre: Romance/Drama
Rating: T
Summary: Kanda's lists lose meaning when the person he cares for starts to slip away.
Disclaimer: You really think I would be sitting here, writing fanfiction, if I owned DGM?
Notes: This is the second to last part of Lists. I repeat, the second to last part. And a tiny spoiler for those who haven't read chapter 191?
…
…
…
…
…
…
if i had met you sooner
would it matter if we fell in love later?
…
…
…
When it came down to it, Kanda couldn't really call himself a risk-taker. Sure, he put his ass on the line dozens of time during battles with Akuma, and he easily recalled a number of times when he all but dragged himself back to the Order more dead than alive. But he was too proud to call it risk-taking; it was more that he was confident of his ability to win in the end, or at least survive. Risky, perhaps, but not so much when he was certain he knew the end.
Besides, that was all during battles. Kanda was comfortable when fighting. It was something he had been born to do, the sole purpose why he had to stay alive. No matter how difficult the war outside got, he knew that being an Apostle of God was written in his genetic code.
There was no other path for him to take. No other options. Nothing.
He never counted on ever forming an attraction for anyone, never mind considering confessing, and to a man (boy, really). Kanda had never been one to reach out emotionally, and he was a mere grasshopper when it came to bonding with people. It wouldn't be too far off to say that Kanda would rather face down all of the Noah at once in favor of telling Allen he had strong feelings for him that actually leaned toward the positive side.
Yet, there he was, forming a new list in his mind...
…
…
…
WAYS TO CONFESS TO MOYASHI
1. "I like you. Go out with me."
...Did I seriously just think that? And how can Exorcists date?!
2. "I find you incredibly attractive. Go to bed with me."
No. Just...no. I'm not like that.
3. "Look, Moyashi, when a man loves another man—"
Love?! What love? Where did that come from? I don't love him!
…
…
…
After the strange but pleasant encounter with Allen in the hot baths, the two Exorcists had begun a tentative friendship. Kanda had been stiff with fear, thinking that perhaps Allen would brush off the incident and ignore him, but the British teenager had done the opposite. If anything, Allen made it out of his way to seek Kanda out for a good verbal argument or even just to bid, "Good morning." There was a warm shine in his eyes whenever he looked at Kanda, which stirred all sorts of interesting sensations in the Japanese's insides. They sparred together regularly now, and while they continued to bicker as before, there was a joking playfulness that accompanied their words.
It was an improvement, Kanda had to admit. Yet, not enough improvement for him to sort his tangled thoughts and emotions that ran a hundred miles per hour like a caged bird beating its wings frantically. It was a premature bird, not quite developed, not entirely clean around the lines. He didn't know what kind of bird it was either, and he wasn't sure if it really mattered in the end.
He could feel Allen's eyes on him sometimes. They seemed questioning, puzzling. They would flick towards his chest, where the tattoo thrummed under Kanda's clothing.
There was someone who understood him. Someone who was also cursed. Someone who knew that he was cursed.
Kanda was afraid.
Pry into my heart, and seek what darkness there may lay. Pry into my heart, and see if you can release yourself from my grasp. See if you can escape.
He was lying on his back, staring at the clouds. He tried to lift an arm, flexing the sore muscles half-heartedly before letting his arm drop back down to the dusty ground. He rolled over and saw Allen a similar state, only a bit worse off for the wear.
"You're getting more and more annoying," Kanda said flatly.
Along the way, Allen had become versed in Kanda-speak, and knew the compliment as one.
"Thanks," the younger male muttered back, biting back a groan as a rock dug into his back. "Maybe one day I'll manage to knock you out. Like what you did the other day."
"Quit dreaming, sprout," the Japanese huffed back, panting slightly.
There was a peaceful silence. Surprisingly, Allen could be quiet when he wanted to. It was nice, Kanda decided, the kind of nice that he felt whenever he meditated with Lenalee. Sometimes, words just weren't needed.
I like you. Go out with me.
"Shut up," he hissed at his thoughts, flushing when he remembered the list he had created that morning.
"Hm?" Allen hummed in askance.
"Walker!"
Kanda turned his head to hide the scowl forming his face as Howard Link marched up to them. The blond inspector hadn't been following Allen around for the last week or so because of certain "business", which both Kanda and Allen interpreted as doing secret work for Central. Much to Kanda's annoyance, Link had taken to planting himself firmly between Kanda and Allen whenever they interacted.
'So much for an opportunity to confess...' Kanda grumbled.
"Komui Lee is asking for you," Link said formally, stopping before Allen.
Sitting up, the parasitic Exorcist stretched to loosen a kink in his back. "Did he say what for?"
"No," the inspector said, tugging at his gloves suspiciously. "All he said that you should be—prepared. Let me escort you to his office..."
An uneasy expression half-formed on Allen's face, before he remembered that Kanda was present. Flashing a smile at the swordsman, Allen got up, flexed his arms a bit, and waved good-bye. "Sorry, Kanda—looks like we'll have to finish later." He smiled apologetically and made a small shrug.
"Un," Kanda grunted, eyeing Link warily. He laid perfectly still, waiting for Allen and Link to remain out of sight before bolting up to make a beeline for Komui's office. He ignored the Finders that stared at him, surprised to see Kanda Yuu in a rush with such an intense look splayed across his face as he dashed down the hallways, skidding slightly as someone spread his arms out in front of him.
"Lavi, get out of the way," Kanda snapped, barely registering the redhead's presence.
"Slow down, Kanda," Lavi snapped back, lowering his arms. "I haven't seen you like this ever. What happened? Is it Noah? The Earl?"
"It's Moyashi," the Japanese said impatiently.
"Allen?"
"Look, I'll explain later, but I need to get to Komui's office."
"Okay, okay," the redhead relented, rubbing his eye patch. "Just let me follow."
The door to Komui's office was locked, but Kanda pressed his ear to the door and strained to listen through the wood, waiting for a sound of Allen's voice. Lavi made a show with his hands, indicating that he could easily pick the lock and then the two of them could somehow accidentally walk in. Shaking his head, Kanda listened intently, and Lavi soon followed suit.
"—can take as long as you want, Allen."
"But...what's the point of this?"
"I'm not sure about the details myself. Supposedly Cross knows everything, and right now, we don't know where he is exactly. Most likely in Japan, we think, but you can't be too sure with that man."
"Is there any other way? And without my master?"
"I know that there isn't much time since there is a war going on. However, I'm willing to come up with an excuse for Central."
"And...what about Link?"
"I'll see that he doesn't find out anything useful."
"Alright, then..."
"Remember, Allen. The most important part about this mission is to obtain information on the Earl."
"I understand."
Lavi pulled away from the door to look at Kanda. "Did you know about this?" the redhead whispered urgently. "About Allen's mission?"
Kanda shook his head, his face taut.
"Kanda," Lavi murmured, looking slightly shell-shocked. "They're sending Allen to Japan. They—it's suicide. They want him to spy on the Earl. Kanda, there's no way the Earl's not going to know Allen's in Japan with all of the Akuma there."
Kanda's fist tightened. Allen going to Japan to spy on the Earl. Alone, more likely than not. On Central's orders? No, he was sure it wasn't the case; Komui said something about making an excuse for those bastards, right? But why? There wasn't any point for Allen of all people to go near the Earl... Unless... His mind flickered back to the fight at the orphanage one of the newest Exorcists, Timothy, had been raised at. He remember how Allen's eyes had turned gold, how he grabbed that Akuma's head, whispered—
"Kanda." Lavi was whispering to him. "Kanda. Are we just going to let Allen go to Japan?"
"You're a damn future Bookman," Kanda bit out, his voice coming out harsher and louder than he intended. Judging by Lavi's widening green eye and how it darted at the door, the redhead had noticed as well. "You're supposed to let these things happen, history and all that shit."
"But..." The future Bookman stared down, reason and emotion warring on his face. "But you love him."
The swordsman lost his breath. "What?"
"I see the way you look at him," Lavi was saying quickly, as if he was trying to get all the words out before Kanda came to his senses. "I see how you two spar. I—I've never seen that look on your face before. You act differently around him. You care about him."
"I don't—I don't love him," Kanda wheezed slightly, trying not to panic. Love. Love. Love—
I love you...forever.
"You love him," Lavi said, and he sagged his head. "You do love him. And yet..."
"I don't love Allen!" Kanda roared out, blood pounding in his ears.
Don't drag out my feelings. Don't sound as if you know everything about me, when I don't know anything about myself. Don't look at me.
"You do..."
There was so much anguish in Lavi's voice that Kanda looked up. "You..."
"You love him," Lavi repeated. "But neither of us can do anything. He's...he's going to die, Kanda."
Allen. Dead. The mere image forced Kanda to inhale sharply as—something—tightened his chest, making it hard to breathe. Allen in Japan, facing the Earl, battling his inner demons, letting the Fourteenth take over him—
"I don't love him," the Japanese muttered lowly.
"You—"
"...But I...I care about him," Kanda said slowly. 'Please, don't let his eyes turn gold ever again...'
And then the door opened.
"Kanda?" Allen's voice came out tentatively. "You...what did you say?"
Kanda's head snapped up to meet Allen's anxious, silver gaze. Fuck. Did Allen hear everything...?
Licking his lips, Allen stepped out a bit, still partially hiding behind the door. "Kanda?"
The cold Japanese had faced down Noah before. He had been nearly killed more times than he could possibly remember. He didn't know life from before he was nine. He had to murder his best friend. And he had to let himself be used by the greedy bastards at Central.
Yet, as Allen looked at him, silver eyes tense, Kanda could do only one thing.
He ran away.
…
…
…
OPTIONS AS TO WHAT TO DO NOW
(MADE WHILE RUNNING DOWN THE HALLWAY)
Spend the rest of my life hiding from Allen until he goes to Japan.
Stop Allen from going to Japan somehow and then hide from him.
Pretend nothing happened and figure out a way to keep Lavi's mouth shut.
Properly tell Allen my feelings. And then...I don't konw.
Emigrate to China.
…
…
…
…
…
…