[Thursday, July 11, 1990]

Tami was released from the hospital Wednesday morning, even though the insurance would have covered another night. She wanted out of that laboratory of poking and prodding. She wanted to sleep without a nurse waking her up. She wanted her own bed.

While Eric worked at the bookstore and trained and went to class and studied, Tami's mother cooked and cleaned and changed diapers, and Tami fed and slept and fed and slept and fed. She was starting to feel like a cow. As she sat on the living room couch now, Julia suckling, pulling away and crying, and suckling again, her mother said, "That baby isn't getting enough milk. I don't think you're producing enough milk. You need a warm beer."

"What?" This coming from her anti-drinking mother?

"It will help you make more milk."

"But then I'd have to pump and dump. I hardly get anything when I pump as is. I don't want to waste it."

[Monday, July 16, 1990]

Eric couldn't come to the appointment this morning because of a history class, so Tami's mom was with her instead. Tami did not like this pediatrician, but there were only two who were covered by their insurance who were still taking on new patients, and the other one was a forty minute drive.

Dr. Martin had no bedside manner whatsoever. "Your baby isn't getting enough milk," he told Tami. "She's losing weight. That's normal in the beginning, but not this much." Dr. Martin glanced down at his beeper. He walked out of the room without saying anything.

"I told you so," Tami's mom said. "You need to give that baby some formula."

"I don't want to do that, Mom. It's not good for the baby. Breast milk is best for them – all the studies show it – IQ, allergies, asthma, eczema - "

"- Almost everyone bottle fed when I had you. You were bottle fed, and you turned out just fine. Eric was obviously bottle fed, no mother around, and he turned out just fine, too. If you bottle fed, I could feed the baby. Eric could feed the baby."

"Well, I could pump some breast milk and you could – "

" - Then you would have to pump and feed and pump and feed and pump….you're not getting enough rest, Tami. You're tired. You look tired. And you're irritable. You need to think of your marriage."

"Excuse me? My marriage? If Eric can't take me being a bit tired and irritable after I gave birth to his baby, then he can get himself another wife."

"Tami, be mad at me all you want. I'm just speaking the truth in love. Men need attention. Trust me, I was in this position twice with your father. When a baby comes along…" She shook her head. "Well, the baby gets all the attention. And men start to feel useless. Unwanted. Undesired. Neglected. You've got to stroke his ego, Tami. Among other things."

Tami's mouth dropped open. "I cannot believe you just said that, Mom. You, who told me I'd go to hell if I ever touched a guy like that."

"Well you're married now, Tami. It's completely different."

The doctor walked back in. He plopped two cans of formula down on the desk. "Free samples. I suggest you supplement while you're trying to increase your milk production."

"See!" Tami's mom said.

"But I want her to have breast milk exclusively," Tami said. "Everything I've read – "

"- Breast is best," Dr. Martin told her, "but not starving to death is better."

[Tuesday, July 17, 1990]

"I miss your mom's cooking," Eric said as he put some sandwiches on the table for them, "but I'm so glad she's gone. She was driving me crazy."

"Me too," Tami admitted. "Of course, Shelley's coming this weekend."

[*]

Tami awoke to the sound of Julia crying. They had her in a bassinet at the foot of their bed for the time being. She would move to the nursery when she was a bit older.

Eric retrieved the baby and handed her to Tami, who unceremoniously popped her on a breast. Tami dozed off and awoke to the baby crying again.

"Should I maybe get a little of that formula in a bottle for her?" Eric suggested. They'd collected three different kinds of bottles at the baby shower. Tami had planned not to use them at all for the first three months, and then only to hold pumped breastmilk.

She sighed. "I guess maybe you better. How long has she been at my breast, and she's still hungry?"

"A long time," Eric said.

When he returned with the bottle, he held Julia and offered it to her. She took a while to accept it, but once she did, she vigorously sucked the entire ounce down.

"Hungry little piggy," Eric whispered, and then examined her tiny fingers, one by one.

Tami slid out of bed. "I'm going to try to pump," she said. "She needs the breast milk."

[Wednesday, July 17, 1990]

Julia would not stop crying. Tami glided with her, walked with her, bounced with her, ran the vacuum, and still she would not stop crying.

She'd been crying for an hour when Eric got home from work at the bookstore.

He picked her up, strapped her into the swing, and turned it on. Julia instantly grew quiet.

"How did you know that would work?" Tami asked.

"I didn't. But now we know."

[Thursday, July 18, 1990]

Eric brought Tami the baby, and Julia rooted for her breast. They were watching TV after a late dinner, and Eric was reading his history book beside her.

He gazed at Tami's exposed breasts. She'd simply unbuttoned her shirt. She didn't bother to wear a bra around the apartment at all anymore. "I miss those breasts," he said.

Tami hadn't permitted him to touch them since the baby was born. They were sore, between the feeding and the pumping and the feeding and the pumping…the last thing she wanted was Eric demanding them too.

"Suck it up, buttercup," she told him.

The baby pulled away from her breast and howled.

"Should I get Julie just a little bit of formula?" Eric asked.

"Julie? You don't want to call her Julia?"

He shrugged. "I'm tired. It's too many syllables."

Tami laughed. Their daughter became Julie from that day forward.

"So, should I get the formula?" he asked.

"I guess you better. I don't know why she can't get it out of me. Bring me the pump too."

The pump didn't get much out of her either. All that effort, all that time, and only an ounce.

[Saturday, July 21, 1990]

"I'm totally your coolest aunt," Shelley told the baby. Julie was lying on her back beneath the play gym, staring up at the toys, and Shelley was beside her on the living room floor, on her stomach. "Well, I guess I'm your only aunt."

"She has an Aunt May," Eric said, fast forwarding through his game tape. He did this at home now, when they would let him borrow the tape. Mr. Taylor had given him a VCR for the purpose. "My Aunt May."

"Well that's not an aunt, that's a great aunt," Shelley said.

"A grandaunt, actually," Eric corrected her.

"I suppose you know the difference between first cousins once removed and second cousins too," Shelley said.

"I do," he said.

Shelley looked at the TV. "How many times are you going to watch this same play?"

"As many times as I need to."

"She's asleep again," Shelley said. "Is that all she ever does? Sleep, sleep, sleep? It must be easy for y'all, huh?"

Eric and Tami both stared her down.

"She sleeps a lot at this age," Tami said, "but when she's awake, she's often crying. And I still have to wake her up to feed her every two to three hours, because she's not getting enough to eat. And then I have to pump before I go back to sleep. And change her, and – "

"- In other words, it's NOT easy," Eric said. He returned his gaze to the television, asking, "Say, Shelley, when do you have to head back to Tyler?"

[Thursday, August 9, 1990]

Tami's milk was all dried up now. She'd gradually supplemented, a bottle here, a bottle there…until, eventually, she was entirely formula feeding Julie. "I feel like such a failure."

"You're not a failure," Eric assured her as he drained his energy drink. It was green. What did he put in that mess? Tami had tasted it once and spit it out.

Summer camp was underway, the most intense part of the summer season. He had two-a-days, which meant four hours a day of training on top of his private workouts. He was in fantastic shape, Tami thought, while she'd only shed eleven pounds of her pregnancy weight, and most of that was water and the baby. The rest had come straight out of her breasts, she was sure.

"She got the colustereum or whatever it's called."

"Colostrum," Tami corrected him.

"Yeah. That's the good stuff, right? And she got four week's worth."

"A little less than four weeks, and not even exclusively."

He turned on the kitchen sink and rinsed out his glass. "Tami, stop beating yourself up. You were miserable, trying to make that work. Exhausted and miserable. You got infected, babe. Got that masatutus."

"Mastitis," she corrected him. It was clearing up now and should be gone in another day or two. "And good mothers feed through the pain. But I'm a quitter."

He walked over and hugged her.

"Julie's going to be dumber and have more allergies and more asthma and more eczema now. And we're not going to bond as well," she cried. "She's going to hate me!"

He kissed the top of her head. "Babe, think of all the things you've hated your mother for."

"Well there's been a lot of things over the years!"

"Yeah. And is not breast feeding you on that list?"

"No," she admitted.

"I didn't think so." He kissed her lips. "Y'all have a good day. I'll be home at 6:30."

That was twelve hours from now.