*I own the storyline and the characters I created for this alternative story. Everything else belongs to E.L. James*

"Wait, what?! Anastasia, he's dead! You said so yourself! You saw him go underground! You were there!"

"Yes, I know. Calm down please. Listen, he wasn't dead. Apparently, he was merely sedated with a drug called Ketamine. It's mainly used as an animal tranquilizer. Once you take it in a specific dose, the drug mimics the effects of an actual death. Your body goes into a sort of coma, slowing your breathing to almost nothing and cooling your body temperature. That's how he managed to stay so cold and lifeless. I touched him, to make sure he was dead. But I was fooled. Yet again."

"Fucking asshole! He put you through hell, over and over again! I'm gonna kill him! And this time for good! I'll bash his head into the curve or put a bullet between his eyes! Either way, he's not coming back from it!"

"Christian, don't. There's more to it. Please, just listen until I'm done"

I grab his arm and try to calm him down. He's burning with a fire for vengeance and as much as I appreciate his reaction, he needs to hear the rest.

Finally, after a few minutes, he calms down and lets me finish. Now I'm nervous again.

"When we were together, he always kept his family away from us. I never met any of them, father, mother, sisters, brothers, cousins. They were all a mistery to me, and I had no intention of finding out who they were, because every time we talked about it, he got all secretive and wouldn't elaborate on anything related to his family. So I stoped asking. And after a while, it didn't matter anymore. We were in love and that was enough to me and my low self esteem. Everything went as smooth as sailing for three years. Just normal boyfriend drama here and then, jealousy and what not. Then the whole kidnapping and assault happened, out of nowhere. When he finally told me the truth my whole world collapsed. But what he failed to say was that he was being forced by his father to break my heart and push me away. He knew I would hate him after knowing who he was and who his family was. But his father was behind it."

Deep breath, it's almost over Anastasia...

"And to make sure he understood the severity of the situation, his own father ordered the hit on me. His father paid to get me kidnapped and beaten to near death. Actually, I was suppose to die that day. Like she said, 'I'm sorry, but you won't survive this'. I can still hear her say those words, with that smug and cold tone that haunted my dreams for so long. But she failed. Because Patrick found out where I was and why I was being held captive. He rescued me and kept me safe at the Hospital, thanks to some of his loyal men. Of course I knew nothing about it. To me, he was a lying bastard and I wanted him gone. But he wanted me safe above all else, so he and his father had a long conversation about me and my future. To make sure I was safe and taken care of, he accepted his father's terms. He would pretend to die in combat, stay dead for as many years as his father recquired and make no contact with me or anyone close to me. I was dead to him and he was dead to me. In return, I would inherit his legacy. His money, properties, businesses, you get it. But now, his father is gravely ill. Cancer. So, he had to come back and take over the family business. That's why he met with me. Because he wanted to explain. Tell me the truth. He just got carried away. He never hurt me. Actually, I hurt him, twice. Badly. It was his assistant that knocked me out in my office. Patrick never hurt me. Not physically anyways. There. Now you know everything"

"Holy shit. Anastasia, that's all fucked up. In so many ways"

"I know. And I have no idea if he's telling the truth or not, but my gut is saying he is. I know it seems insane to believe him but I can't help it. Something tells me he's not lying. His eyes were always honest"

"Great. You're putting your faith, your life on the line because his eyes are honest? For fuck sake Anastasia! Be rational about this! Think!"

"I am being rational! That's why I wanted to stay there and talk to him. Find out if he was indeed being honest about it or not!"

"Right! Rational decision, to stay with the man who kidnapped you and let you be knocked out. Ridiculous! Fucking ridiculous!"

He shots up and starts pacing the room, aggressively stroking his already messy hair...yep, he's pissed. But what did you expect? Rainbows and happy shit? Of course not! He has a right to be mad! And you should be terrified!

"Christian, please. Try to calm down and see it from my point of view. The only man I ever loved and fully trusted in my life was dead. But now I know he's alive. And maybe he is saying the truth. Maybe he was indeed forced to hurt me. I owe myself the chance to find out. To try and bury that part of my life, for good. I need to do this Christian. I need to see him again and find out if he's worthy of my forgiveness"

"He isn't! He's a liar! A fucking criminal! He broke you and left you to rot! He knew you were destroyed inside and made no attempt to contact you or make sure you were ok! He completely fucked up your life and then, decided to just leave and forget about you! That's the truth! And you're a fool if you ever believe a word he says!"

"Don't! Don't talk about things you cannot even begin to comprehend! This is my life, we're talking about! This is my story! Not yours! Stop trying to control it! Stop trying to control me! I will do what I want and feel right! And I'll be damned if I let you or anyone else judge me for it! You have no idea what I went through or what I felt all those years ago! You don't know anything! And you definitely don't know me! So stop judging me and making assumptions about matters you know nothing about!"

Now I'm pissed. And he's fuming. Well, hell to this! I don't need his judgement! I don't need his pity, sympathy or understanding! This is my life and I'll deal with it my way. As always. I don't need him to save me or help me anymore.

"Careful Anastasia. I would mind my words if I were you. Because I will do a lot for you, but I will not let you treat me like a fucking used rag doll! We're together! This is our life now! You belong to me and I belong to you! I don't give a shit about your past, as you don't give a shit about mine! What matters now is the present, our present, together! And you will not shut me out! Ever! I won't let you! And I'll be damned before letting you fall for that fucker's lies ever again! He broke you once. I won't let him break you twice! Hate me if you want, but I won't let him hurt you again. I can't let him do it"

He spits those words like they're poison, but inside, my heart is swelling up for the sentiment he's portraying here, in this moment of anger and desperation. He might be mad and incredibly pissed at me, but he's also worried about me and for me. He needs me to be safe...he cares for me...deeply...could it be...

"I'm sorry. I just need some time to think about this. It was not my intention to hurt you or push you away. I'm sorry. I just need to figure out what to do. Alone"

"You're not doing this alone Anastasia. So stop it already"

Now he's pacing the room again, exhaling heavily and rubbing the bridge of his nose. He's nervous. And probably tired. Maybe he didn't sleep that well afterall...

"Fine. But I need to go to my place and be alone for a while! And that's not up for discussion. I need to be alone with my thoughts. Just for a while"

I try to look at him but he's turned away from me, hands on his hips and head down. Probably trying to figure out how he can keep me here indefinitely...well, he could...and I would resist it...for a while...then give in...then resist again...then give in again...then...shit! Focus!

"Anastasia, am I a part of your life or not? Are we together or not?"

Yes...No...Shit, I don't know! Holy crap, I don't want to have this conversation! Not now, not here and specially not after yesterday's drama!

Fuck, now he's facing me, his eyes penetrating mine, searching deep into my very soul and before I can answer something believable, he drops his head, shakes his head in disappointment and turns away again, leaving the room so fast I'm left dumbfounded and ashamed of myself. Shit. This is bad!

"Christian wait! Please!"

I run after him, and as soon as I touch his shoulder he shoves me away and holds his hands out to stop me. No no no, please, not this...never this!

"Don't! I saw it in your eyes! You don't need to say anything else. I understand everything now. I'm nothing to you, and as much as that crushes me inside, I won't force you to care for me anymore. You can go home and be alone with your thoughts or whatever the fuck you want to be alone with. Do what you want and believe in whatever you want. I'm done." He turns away from me and walks into his study, leaving me alone, once again. Shit, what have I done...

I need to fix this! What we have, what we are to each other is something different, something else I never felt before. I can't let my fears and momentary confused mind screw everything up. We might become something great, with time...I need to fix this...but how?

God, the look in his eyes was heartbreaking...I broke him. I can't do this. He doesn't deserve any more pain. God knows he's had enough for a lifetime. Okay, Anastasia, buckle up. Time to be a big girl and apologize. Grovel if you must. He deserves it. I hope...

Toc Toc Toc

"Anastasia, go away"

His voice sounds hesitant, even from behind these doors. I need to look him in the eye and make him see I do want him in my life. I'm just scared of how much I actually want and need him...that's all...

"I'm sorry. Christian, I'm sorry"

I start walking up to him, and I can see his internal struggle. He wants me to go to him, but he still believes I don't give a shit about him. I need to prove him wrong...

"Go away Anastasia. Please. I don't want to play anymore. I'm done"

His words cut through me like blazing knives, but I need to push through. I hurt him with my doubts and hesitance. Now I need to pay the price for such foolishness. Hopefully, he'll forgive me sooner rather than later...

"I'm not playing. You were never a game for me Christian. I'm sorry for hurting you. I do need you. More than I ever hoped for..."

Now we're face to face, with him leaning on his desk facing me, his strong arms crossed and a hard expression scrutinizing my every move. And truth be told, having him like this, a mix of anger and hopelessness, makes me even more aware of just how much sentiment I hold for this man. This incredibly difficult, extremely attractive and insanely intoxicating man. If I didn't know better, I would call it love. But I know better. This is just something else. Something powerful and life changing. He is what I need...

"When I asked you what I meant for you, you just stared at me and said nothing. That's enough for me. You might be an incredible liar for everybody else. But not for me. I can read you like a book Miss Steele. I always could."

"I didn't know what to say! I was scared! I still am! What I feel for you, what we have is insane! It's something irrational and completely illogical! It's all going so fast. Too fast! I'm sorry...I...I don't know how to just...let go of my fears..."

"You're afraid of me?"

Now he just looks disappointed...and a bit scared himself...well of course I'm afraid of you! Look at what I'm doing! I'm here, begging for you to take me back! A man I barely know!

"Yes. Of course I am. Christian, we've only known each other for a few days and look what has already happened! I told you my darkest secrets and deepest emotions. You rescued me from a psychotic ex boyfriend whom I'm still trying to figure out. And now we're here, fighting! This is insane! I thought this kind of situation was gone from my life for good! I thought love and all the relationship bullshit was over and done with. Forever! I don't know what to think anymore!"

"Love? You love me?"

Oh shit. Fuck. Motherfucker. Crap! No, not love! Something else! Never love! Not again!

"Christian, I was just trying to put my feelings into perspective so you'd understand! I didn't mean love. Of course not, that would be ridiculous. We both said love isn't for us, so it would be foolish to even think about it"

Now I'm nervous, playing with my hands and trying not to make eye contact with him. Shit, this conversation is taking a turn I did not anticipate and was actively trying to avoid at all cost!

"Anastasia, look at me"

He whispers to me, so close I can smell him again. I can't look at him, I can feel my cheeks starting to blush and this whole thing is becoming more and more ridiculous as time goes by. What the hell is going on with me! I feel like a twelve-year-old girl!

"Christian please..."

"Don't run from me. Ever. Please look at me"

I can't. Nop, not gonna do it. I turn away from him and give myself a calming hug. Yep, now I'm in full pathetic mode! What the fuck is wrong with me! The man I want is right there, calling for me and I'm turning your back on him! Yet again!

"I'm done chasing you Anastasia. If you run from me, that's it. I won't stop you again"

His voice is broken. His entire presence feels weakened and defeated. He's really done. Done with me and my stupid childish behaviours. God, I can't lose him. Not him. Not now...

"Christian..."

"Just make up your god damn mind already! I'm sick of it! I want you Anastasia! More than I ever did anyone else! I want to be with you! I want to be the person you go to when you feel sad, tired, happy or worried! I want to be i't' for you! Your person! I know it's a stupid thing to say but that's what I feel! I can't keep pretending your doubts don't affect me! I'm here! I want you! All to myself! I won't accept anything else! I want everything! I want it all! And I deserve it! Fuck! I need you to understand that I'm not playing games anymore! Maybe before! But not now! Specially now that we've shared so much about each others pasts! I can't do this anymore! So please, just choose! You want me, all of me, flaws and all, or you don't. But you have to make up your mind. I can't wait anymore"

He falls into his chair, completely drained. He's holding his head, griping the sides of his head and I can feel the pain and anxiety emanating from him. Enough. I can't hurt him any longer. My mind is made up. I want him. I need him too. End of story.

"I can't lose you. Forgive me. Please"

I lunge forward, shove his hands away and hold his face in my hands. He looks so sad, so broken and hopeless. God I hate it. I never want to see him like this again. I won't allow it. He's better than this. He deserves better. And I'll be better.

"Anastasia..."

He whispers my name and that's all I need to show him just how much I miss him this close to me. I kiss him hard on his soft lips, so hard I might have hurt him and myself. But I don't give a shit. I need him so much...

"You're mine. All mine Anastasia"

He bites my neck and murmurs those words so close to my ear I'm already yearning for more. God, how I've missed this...He kisses my neck and bites me again, this time harder. And even though it hurts a bit, I love it! Everything he does to me is pure lust and desire! I can't help it. I love every bit of it!

"Say it!"

"W-What?"

What is he talking about? All I can think about are his hands exploring my body and his lips travelling down my neck, making me moan every single time!

"You are mine. Say it"

He whispers the soft command, his voice gentle and loving. And all I want is to apease his fears. I need to give myself to him once and for all.

"I'm yours. All yours Christian"

He kisses me hard, this time leaving no room for mistakes. I'm his and he's mine.

Then he hoists me up by my ass, grips it tightly and I know we're going to be busy for a few hours. Thank god we're alone, because I have a feeling he's going to make me yell out for mercy soon enough!