Chapter 25

I sat back and watched as they dug in, passing around the containers to share. Every person in this room means so much to me, I thought. And every one of them could lie and turn me to rubble again. I refused the dishes offered to me. I really had no appetite. Instead, I opted to shower - for the sake of my friends if not my own sense of hygiene.

They left after making me promise to charge my phone and return calls. Emmett wanted me to go home with him for the weekend. I said I'd consider it. Jasper, seeing I was in better spirits went to band practice. Alice returned on her own while I jotted my random thoughts down for later use.

"I brought you a care package," she smiled when I opened the door for her. "I didn't know you'd be so bad off Edward. You usually keep it so together."

"Pfft! Maybe I should be in acting school..." I chuckled. "Seriously Al, it's an illusion."

"Even now?"

"Even now."

"Right now?"

I gave her a pensive look and a sigh. "You don't want my baggage."

"Spill. I'm not leaving 'till you do."

"What's in the bag?"

"What's in your head?"

"Tell me what you brought me and I'll tell you what's on my mind," I bargained.

She pulled out some mainstays - Hot Pockets, a book, some mineral water and vitamins since I looked "like shit". Most importantly, clean sheets. I hugged her ferociously. "One more thing," she reached into her bag. "From Bella." She passed me my poetry book that she had been reading. And a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. "I don't approve of either but she said you'd know what the cereal meant and that you should read this book." She shrugged and turned away to strip my bed.

Why would I read my own book?

"I'm listening," Alice chirped as she put the fresh linens on for me.

"Alice... I wanna get out of here. Let's go somewhere." She cocked an eyebrow at me. "Let's go for a walk or something," I clarified, realizing I wasn't being very articulate and could have meant something more permanent. We strolled through the campus yard as I tried to release some of what I was feeling. "I've never felt more confused..."

"Totally understandable. You were handed a lot in one day."

"Yeah, but what's weird about it? I've also got clarity on a lot of things like why I've always felt alone. And different."

"That's just you sweetie. You are different and we love you for it."

"Alice," I whined. "It's more than that. My eyes, for instance. Everyone's got blue eyes. Why the hell are mine green? Why are they all so physically adept and I'm a klutz? There's so much more but you get the idea right?"

She nodded as she linked arms with me. "At the end of the day Edward, does it matter what colour your eyes are? Sweetie, what matters is what's behind those eyes. You're still the same person you were before you knew. And you know what? Your family loved you even with green eyes." She hip-checked me and giggled.

"I know... but it made me think about a lot of things Alice. It explains more than the physical differences. My whole life has been one big lie. It's no wonder I chose to live one myself. It's all I've known...even when I didn't know. Does that make any sense?"

"You'll make sense of it. I know you. And you'll turn it into a beautiful song too."

"Hmm. About that... I'm thinking I don't want to follow through with the lies. Now that I know I'm not who I thought I was, I want the chance to find out who I want to be. Who I am."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm dropping pre-med. Med school period."

"Edward! You're almost done! And you've got the TA job..."

I nodded as she listed off what I knew. "All stuff I didn't really want. I've always done what's expected of me, what I think people want me to do. I want to do what I want for a change."

"Is that anything destructive? 'Cause I'm willing to be supportive of whatever you choose, but I'm not gonna let you hurt yourself." Her eyes pooled with tears as she held me in place on the park path.

I smiled my crooked grin and gently brushed away a tear. "I want to write. And maybe take some film production classes. I want to create an outlet for all my fucked up moods and emotions. I'm sick of labs and formulas. I'm sick of being someone I'm not!" I looked up at the stars rather than into Alice's dark glistening eyes. "Can you support me with that? 'Cause I really don't want to hear what I should do right now."

She wrapped her tiny arms around my waist and tucked her head under my chin. "I'm so with you."

Phone's charged. Damn. Three days of silence when it was dead in the trash can had been nice. An all night charge revved it up for the onslaught the next morning. Alice, Sam, Alice again, the library... shit, I didn't return that book... where's that book? I began the search under my bed and moved on to the closet floor, ignoring the incessant ringing. When the fourth call from Professor Davis rang through, I figured he was pretty determined and wouldn't let up so I answered.

"Edward! So you are, indeed alive."

"Yes sir," I replied sheepishly. "Sorry I haven't called in."

"Right. About that, are you interested in continuing with this course? If so, I'd suggest you produce yourself and a doctor's note this morning. Say, in an hour?"

"Actually sir... I don't want to waste any more of your time." I knew it was wrong to quit on him over the phone after all he'd done for me these past three years but what choice did I have?

"I'm not joking Edward. I want you in my office in an hour."

"Sir? I'm not coming back."

"Edward? I didn't hear you correctly..."

"You did sir. I'm sorry."

There was a distinct pause of shock from his end. "One hour. If you're not in front of my desk in one hour, I'll be coming to you." He disconnected.

Shit! I briefly considered not showing up. It was my choice, no one else's. But I did owe him an explanation at least. I was leaving him in a bind. I grabbed a quick shower and a handful of Cinnamon Crunch before heading to the science building. Arriving early, I waited in the area outside his office. Elbows on my knees and chin resting on my hands, I nervously shook my leg as I anticipated a battle. I was determined not to back down. I would take a stand and be forceful, yet respectful. I could feel my emotions boiling. I wasn't sure which would surface and I was certain I'd have zero control over whichever dominated.

"Good! You're early," Professor Davis stormed in as he always did. The man wasn't capable of walking slowly. He dismissed the student he had been talking to during his jog from the lab and tapped my shoulder. "Come on in. Have a seat son."

Son. Pfft. I'm eveyone's fucking son.

And no one's.

I sat. He sat across from me, hands folded on his desk just watching me fidget as I waited for him to begin. He let me wait. And wait. After a long, silent stand-off, he finally addressed me. "Something's going on I presume. You don't look unhealthy but you're not well either."

"Family issue," I mumbled.

"I see." He leaned back in his chair, the springs groaning loudly as they always did.

"I won't be able to see this through. I know you were counting on me but things have changed and it's just not going to work. I'm sorry."

He furrowed his brow in concern. "It's quite a serious issue then?"

I nodded. My emotional instability due to my family issue was serious.

"Son, there are things that can be arranged for qualifying students. Scholarships wouldn't be a problem for you."

"It's not about finances."

Now very concerned, he leaned forward. "Are you ill Edward?"

"No sir... I know this is sudden and unexpected, but I've decided to take a different path. Away from medicine," I told him quietly. He seemed too concerned to blow up at me so I held back on being forceful.

"A different path," he repeated my words to me. "Edward, we are two weeks from finals. Would it not be a better idea to finish this year and then decide your path?"

"Honestly? I don't see the point."

Sighing, he ran his hand over his beard. A habit he had while in thought. "Edward... I won't sit here and try to convince you you're wrong. I believe this is a mistake you'll regret but you are a bright young man so your reasoning must be sound. I will, however, tell you that you possess a brilliant mind for science. I've never seen another student grasp every aspect so completely."

"I've learned so much from you Professor..."

He waved his hand impatiently. "I'm not fishing for an ego stroke. You are gifted Edward. Believe that. Furthermore, I've yet to know a more promising med student than you. I would, myself, trust my life in your hands. My family's as well, but I digress. I can't change your mind for you."

I swallowed a lump. Please, no tears. Not here. Not now. "Thank you sir," I choked out.

"Here's my suggestion... Hear me out and then you can decide. Take a leave. I'll write you an excuse for the remainder of term. Go home. Be with your family and work out whatever the problem is. Talk to your parents. Your girlfriend. Take the time to sort through the issues but complete your final exams and go from there. Can we agree to that son?"

I couldn't reply without babbling and weeping so I said nothing.

"Edward?" he implored softly. "A mentor is for more than course study and career advice. If you want to talk, my door is always open. Take my number." He jotted down two phone numbers and his home address. "Call or come by, anytime."

"Thank you," I whispered, head tucked so far into my chest I thought my chin may split my collarbone. "You've been more than helpful. More than understanding. I... I don't really deserve any of this..."

"Nonsense!" he grinned at me. "But if you wish to repay my kind generosity... Exams Edward! Think it over."

"I will sir. Thank you." I stood to leave, figuring he'd said his peace and there was nothing left.

"Email me a copy of your course schedule Edward, so I can get you excused across the board. I'll pull some strings and make exam arrangements for them as well."

"Seriously? You'd do that?"

"Once everything is arranged, I'll send you your schedule. Good luck son. I wish all the best for you and remember I'm available any time." He shook my trembling hand and gave my shoulder a good squeeze before he left me.