Chapter 24

She watched the fluffy clouds, her arms folded behind her helmet. She turned her head and watched him sitting in the grass next to her. He smiled at her, the sun dazzling through his auburn hair.

"I am yours." he said.

It was a dream. And this time she knew it was a dream.

"Colin!" she cried out loud and her eyes snapped open.

The dream vanished, but his face didn't.

"I'm here! It's okay! Don't worry, you're safe!" he calmed her.

She lay in her bed, in her cabin aboard the Koriolan. He sat on the bedside and looked at her considerately, furrowing his brow. It felt real. Yet she couldn't believe it. She squinted a few times and then became aware of the little red message her visor displayed in a corner of her field of vision.

'Emergency oxygen supply: depleted. Please refill.'

Somehow, it was that sober and mundane little message text that finally convinced her that she was still alive. She sat up, put her arms around him and held him tightly. He returned the embrace and started rocking her slowly.

"Stop! Don't do that!" she hissed, "Just hold me."

"Okay. I'm sorry." he replied quietly.

"No. Don't be. It's just, it reminds me of... of... dying." she muttered.

Colin was a little puzzled, but he didn't inquire. The cheek pieces of her helmet were pinching his neck and shoulder, but he didn't mind. He was just incredibly happy to feel her breathing body firmly pressed against his. They stayed like that for almost half an hour in complete silence, aside from Ysa's occasional sniffing. Eventually she leaned back and looked at her hands in her lap. He handed a bottle of sterilized water to her.

"Thank you. How long did I sleep?" she asked.

"Four hours."

"And you've been here all the time?"

"Well, I went to the toilet once. Um, and then I went to correct our course, so we won't crash into the mass relay."

"Heh, good thinking." she chuckled raspily.

She cleared her throat, "What happened? How did you get me back aboard?"

"I heard some noise. I thought I had just dreamed that. I almost fell back asleep, but I had a strange feeling... Then had some trouble getting up, maybe due to those spores or that serum, I don't know. I felt groggy and it took me some minutes to get up. I thought you're still asleep, so I went to get a coffee. But I heard the beeping of your distress signal in the cockpit. Aw hell, that was a quite a shock to see that transponder ID of yours and seeing the state of the rear airlock! I tried to call you, but you didn't reply! Well, fortunately you weren't that far away, just about fifteen kilometers and I could easily trace your signal. Getting to you just took me five minutes. Aligning speed and vector was a little tricky, to get you back into the cargo hold. That took another five minutes. I repressurized the cargo hold and ran to check on you. You barely breathed. I found you had depleted your oxygen and you were kind of comatose. Well, I think your suit did most of the work bringing you back. Your omni-tool put out a lot of medical info I couldn't quite understand. Something about chemically induced reduction of your metabolism."

"Oh, the injection. It's a measure of last resort. When running out of oxygen, I let the suit administer a strong sedative. It's meant to reduce oxygen consumption, to gain some more minutes. But I guess it's rather meant as a means for a merciful death. Oh Keelah, I didn't believe it could actually work...", she breathed deeply.

"It saved your life. That was a close call. Too close. Just in the nick of time. I thought you're... Damn, now please tell me what the hell made you do that? You didn't use the emergency override by accident, did you?"

"No! There was a damn varren!"

"What? In the cargo hold?"

"Yeah..."

She told him about her encounter with the varren and what had happened then. He listened to her with widening eyes.

"Oh good grief, Ysa! Pulling off a stunt like that only works in action vids, you know?"

"I know it was stupid! But I didn't like the idea of getting eaten alive! So, I just acted..."

"...without thinking.", he finished the sentence for her with a chuckle.

"Yeah, I'm always like that when I'm agitated or something. Totally stupid. I'm sorry!"

"Okay, just promise that you'll never again do something like that to me, please!"

She nodded, "I promise. I never want to go through that again, either. Thank you, Colin. I owe my life to you."

"No, we are even now, remember?", he replied softly.

Ysa was about to disagree. She felt like she could never make up for everything he had done for her. But she didn't know how to express it, so she just nodded and took his hand in hers.

"You... you cried for me."

It was a statement, not a question.

"Yes. And I'm not ashamed of it." he replied with a warm smile and squeezed her hand.

She could ask him now. He had feelings for her, no doubt. But were it romantic feelings or just a deep friendship? She knew she had to ask him, sooner or later. But she felt shaken, exhausted and dizzy. She wasn't in the emotional state to address it now. She had to recover from that shock to get a clear mind again. So she just nodded again.

"Now you are the hero."

He giggled, "Yeah, let's start a club."

Ysa slowly got up and Colin helped her stand.

"It's ok. I think I can walk... I have to eat something. Can you warm up a tube for me, I need to go to the toilet, first."

"Of course."

Sitting in the mess room, feeding on a tube of nutrient paste, she checked her suit's log. Twelve minutes. She stared at the display. Twelve minutes after the injection of the sedative, the cargo bay had been repressurized and the suit had started resuscitational measures. She had cheated death once again, by seven minutes. She definitely had more luck than judgement. Sure as hell she was going to refill her suit's oxygen tank as soon as possible. Her suit wasn't equipped with one of those sophisticated CO2-oxygen converters that military, EVA maintenance personnel and VIPs had. She was just a lowly civilian and got the most basic model that hadn't been designed for prolonged operation in space.

She noticed the message she had recorded for Colin. She was about to delete it, but something made her keep it, if just as a reminder to never do something stupid like this again. She just moved it to her personal diary folder. Not that she kept a personal diary to speak of.

The following days, she kept rather quiet. She needed time to process what had happened to her. Colin took care of the business as usual. They traveled to different colonies, picking up and dropping freight. On Eden Prime, Colin went to a hospital and was quite relieved to learn that Dr. Baynham's serum had actually worked. The infection had been too brief to cause any harm.

He gave Ysa time and told her that she could talk to him whenever she liked. She just nodded and thanked him, but she felt like her experience was something that couldn't be put in words. But she didn't evade him, instead she always stayed close to him. She started feeling edgy, being alone in a room. The first 'night' after the incident, she couldn't sleep at all. She sat up in her bed and looked out the window. Damn space. It was like the stars were mocking her. She closed the window shutter and lay down again. She knew he was just in the next room, but she wished she could be there at his side. She activated her suit menu and turned up the sensitivity of her audio pickups until she heard him. He snored, as always. He would have been surprised to learn that it helped her getting to sleep.

After five galactic standard days, they were heading back to Horizon. They'd stay for two Horizon days, Colin told her. She stood in the mess room at the porthole, looking at the stars.

Stars, space, vacuum... death. Again, she thought about the message she had recorded for him. Could she only be honest to him when facing death? She shook her head slowly. Colin sat at the table behind her and noticed her quiet contemplating. He stood up and went to her side.

"Are you alright?", he asked softly.

She turned her head to him. She had been waiting for the right moment all the time, but she realized that the right moment would never come. Nevertheless, she needed to know.

"Honestly, I feel much better. Really. You have that effect on me. And I thank you for your friendship. But..."

"But what?"

Ysa looked out the porthole again, "Why did you cry for me?"

"I... because I was terrified by the idea to lose you."

"Why?"

"Why? Because I don't want to lose another one I care for!"

She heard the strain in his voice, he was utterly serious. But if he felt more than friendship for her...

He shouldn't get himself into this! She had to set things straight, now. He didn't deserve this. What had happened to her after facing the varren was a perfect example for that. She was trouble. She couldn't give him anything but grief. He deserved better.

"Colin, I'm sorry, but I can't go on like this. To put it bluntly, are you interested in me? I mean, as more than a friend?"

He was stumped by her directness, but he was determined to be completely honest to her. She deserved it.

"Ysa, I'd be lying if I said I'm not attracted to you. Whenever I look at you, I just want to take you in my arms and hold you tight forever! All the time I was trying to think of a way how to tell you! So, 'to put it bluntly', the answer is yes. Yes, I am interested in you. Very and honestly." he said with a confident voice.

Ysa was flabbergasted. She had suspected it, but she couldn't believe it. She had been hoping for it, but she just couldn't do that to him. Oh, why? Why would he fall for her? All he could see was this suit! He was attracted to that? What was wrong with him?

"Colin, I feel flattered, but you just don't know! You can't know. It's that... I'm suspecting you're just attracted to the mystery! You don't know who I really am."

"But I know your words, your sweet laughter, I can see your eyes and the way you look at me. The way we touched... I feel there is something special happening between us. I... I can just beg you, don't push me away!"

"I'm sorry, Colin! You don't know what you're up for! What do you think you'll find behind this mask? You think, if it's hidden so well, there must be something wonderful waiting for you? Listen, there is a reason these visors are not transparent! What did you think lifelong containment in suits does to us? It changes us, and not for the better. So we hide our faces, even from each other. The reason is, we can't bear looking at our own faces anymore! I'm ugly! I'm hideous! You'd run away, dammit!" she yelled at him.

He sighed, rubbing his forehead with his hand. Then he came a step closer to her, looking into her eyes.

"And what if I don't care? I'm not primarily attracted to your looks. I know you can't get out of your suit and be together with me, anyway. It could kill you! I don't want to harm you! But I still want to be together with you. I don't care for the suit, I care for you, Ysa! More than you can imagine. I want to be with you and I want you the way you are! I wish, we could figure out a way... together. But if you don't feel anything for me, then tell me now, honestly!"

"Colin, it won't... I just can't! I'm sorry!" she exclaimed, suppressing her tears.

He looked down, nodding slowly.

"I understand. It's okay. I don't blame you. I'll need some time now."

He slouchily went down the corridor towards the engine room. Ysa breathed hard, she felt a heavy lump in her throat. Why did she have to struggle like this? This was not right. She knew she should feel relieved, but she felt miserable. No, even worse. She felt... pain! She entered her cabin. She groaned. She paced back and forth.

'Just great! Well done, Ysa! Congratulations! You're a real heroine once again! You just broke the heart of the only person to ever show real affection for you!' she angrily muttered to herself.

She couldn't take it! This was almost worse than it was back then! But this was different. He was different. He wasn't a quarian. Maybe she was wrong... She closed her eyes and let herself fall onto the couch. A vision hit her. She saw herself returning to the flotilla. Without him. Without hope to see him again. A broken shadow of her former already broken self. She felt hot tears in her eyes.

'No. Not like this. Screw it! Screw my immune system! Screw the flotilla! Screw my people! Screw the whole fucking universe!'

She jumped up, ran out of the room, down the corridor. She found him sitting on the floor in the engine room, leaning to the wall. His eyes were wet. He looked up at her with a blank expression. She sat down close in front of him, their legs touched. She knew she shouldn't do this. She knew she wouldn't if there was still a faint ember of sanity left in her. But she did it anyway. She took his hands in hers. She heard him breathing hard.

"I said that... I can't. What I meant is that I just can't say that I don't care for you! Because I do! But I don't know if this has a future. We could hurt each other. And my damn health condition and this suit will make our relationship very complicated and displeasing at times, for both of us. And then, there's the flotilla. My people, my parents... they'll have a hard time understanding this. But then again, they always had a hard time understanding me.", she shook her head, "They always called me irresponsible and selfish. Okay, so I am selfish! It's true, I want to be with you, Colin! But I need to be sure, before...", she swallowed hard, "I want... I will show my face to you. I have to. You must know me. It's the only way."

He felt very anxious now and squeezed her hands tenderly.

"You... you don't know how much this means to me, but it's such a great risk for you... I don't want you to put yourself in danger for me! So, how would you do that?"

She looked at him confidently. She nodded slightly, then she said:

"It's not impossible."