Super Quick Update. I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm bored and this kept playing tango in my head when I was supposed to be doing work.

Utter Crack. Pure and utter crack. This is what happens to your mind when it's on the verge of exploding from exam overload. Otherwise, I have no explanation.

67 Percent

Ikkaku found out early on in his relationship with Yumichika that the dark haired man was very sensitive about his sexuality. Well, not sensitive per se, but very, very ambiguous. He had once asked Yumichika about his orientation after a few months of knowing him; the man just chuckled and skirted around the topic altogether. To this day, Ikkaku doesn't know precisely his companion's interests and Yumichika doesn't help. All he knew was that Yumichika flirted with everyone who was decently attractive or he worked with on a regular basis, regardless of sex.

So, Ikkaku made a few conclusions; Yumichika would never be completely gay or straight and his bias would always change. Yumichika was 67 Percent Whatever and that was the closest figure Ikkaku would ever get to figuring out his friend's interests and he promised to himself that he'd never be surprised whatever happened.

Yumichika blew that promise out of the water like a sardine over a depth charge.

It all began when Ikkaku started noticing that Yumichika wasn't around 11th Division as much. He figured it might have something to do with those errands he was running, but they should take more that an hour at the most and Yumichika was gone for most of the day.

"Oi, Renji, do ya know where Yumichika goes to when he skives off?" Ikkaku asked Renji as they sat for sake along with Kira.

"Dunno, I thought you would know, considerin' you know him better." The tattooed shinigami pointed at Ikkaku. He shrugged.

"He's a grown man 'n' all, so I don't keep track of him, but he's got other places to be instead of…wherever the fuck he is."

"Maybe you could follow him and find out." Kira suggested.

"Maybe I should." Ikkaku rubbed his chin.

"Why do you care so much?" Renji asked with a hint of a smile on his face.

"Cos I'm curious, that's all!" Ikkaku retorted.

He took up Kira's suggestion the next day. Yumichika got up early and went for a training session before heading out to collect papers of candidates from the Shinigami Academy. Ikkaku followed closely behind, but not too closely and he'd also 'borrowed' a wig from Yumichika's wardrobe. Actually trying to keep up with the shinigami was a near impossible task and he eventually lost him.

"Damn, where did he go?" Ikkaku muttered, looking around the corner.

"Where did who go?" Ikkaku looked up at Yumichika perched on the balcony. Yumichika was glaring down at him with intense annoyance.

"Uh…" Ikkaku stuttered.

"Is there any reason why you would be stalking me?" He jumped down off the roof, walked over to his bald friend and snatched the wig off his head, "In my wig? Seriously, Ikkaku, it doesn't become you. Too ugly." He brushed the wig of imaginary dust.

"I've been tryin' t'see where you've been going these last few weeks. You do yer job and then piss off for the rest of the day; I wanna know if you've been seeing some hottie that I don't know about." Ikkaku folded his arms and waited for the explanation.

"Oh ho ho ho. Jealous, are we?" Yumichika twittered, hiding his smiling mouth with a hand, "Such an ugly emotion."

"Dammit Yumi, stop playing coy!" He growled.

Yumichika smiled playfully, "Fine. Well, as a matter of fact, I have been seeing someone." He fluttered his hands at Ikkaku.

"Who?"

"Well…"

"Who?"

"Se-cre-et." Yumichika smiled devilishly.

Ikkaku roared in frustration, causing the other shinigami to laugh out loud, "No, seriously."

"She doesn't want anyone to know about us yet." Yumichika shrugged.

"She?"

"Why do you sound so surprised?" Yumichika looked outraged. Ikkaku clamped his lips down and began fiddling with his obi.

"Well, it's just that I never thought you'd date anyone, let alone a woman." He confessed.

"Well, thank you for assuming I'm gay." Yumichika quipped sarcastically.

"I didn't assume…" Yumichika glared at him, "Okay, fine, I did assume. But y'never told me anythin' about…anythin'!" He looked guiltily at his friend, "So I had to make up my own theories."

Yumichika sighed at the sky; hand on one hip, "Fine. I'll tell you who it is…but you must promise not to tell anyone for at least two days."

"Okay, okay, tell me." Ikkaku jumped impatiently. Yumichika cusped his hands around Ikkaku's ear and whispered quietly. "No. Way." Ikkaku swallowed. He did not expect that.

………

There is a saying that three people can keep a secret as long as two of them were dead. That saying was made redundant in Soul Society because everyone was technically dead, instead there was a saying 'Don't trust 11th Division with secrets'. Yumichika made the mistake that since he was in 11th Division, he would be immune to the effect. He was wrong; 11th division gossiped more than a group of dirty-minded old women.

"Yumichika is dating Soifon!" Ikkaku blurted out over drinks later that night. Renji, Matsumoto, Iba, Hisagi and Kira stared at him in shocked surprise. Ikkaku gulped, knowing he made a horrible mistake, but holding onto a secret like that was like trying to hug a porcupine, he had to let it go.

"Wha-at? Is this true?" Iba gaped.

"Soifon? As in, the captain Soifon? As in, the captain Soifon who has the hots for Yoroichi-"

"Yes, that one." Ikkaku cut Renji off, annoyed. Everyone looked at each other bewildered.

"How do you know?" Kira asked.

"Yumichika told me himself." Ikkaku replied.

"Shit, really?"

"Do you know how long they've been going out?"

"Is it official?"

"Shuddap you lot. Look, I don't know." Ikkaku tried to stop the flow of questions.

"I thought Soifon was a lesbian." Hisagi screwed up his nose in disbelief.

"I thought Yumichika was the gay one." Renji's eyes were wide open in surprise.

"I always thought he was two-thirds gay-straight-bi-asexual whatever." Said Kira.

"Funny, I thought the same way too." Ikkaku agreed.

"So, if they were gay, they wouldn't be attracted to each other normally, would they? So they must be straight in order to get together." Iba concluded, folding his arms across his chest.

"Unless they were into some really kinky stuff." Matsumoto hummed. Her eyes suddenly widened in excitement and her lips curled into an evil smile. The men looked at her in horror.

"Oh no." Kira watched the smile widen.

"Ran-chan, please spare us from your dirty little mind. Don't say it." Renji pleaded.

She said it, "What if Soifon used a strap-on?"

The male shinigamis groaned and collapsed with their heads in their hands, bad images coursing through their heads.

"How can you even think of that stuff, Ran?" Ikkaku pinched his brows together as the involuntary vision of his friend being molested by a big purple dildo wafted past his eyes.

"What? I've heard of it being done, once." She shrugged innocently.

"Rangiku-san. Enough, we don't want to know." Hisagi waved his hands as an attempt to brush the images away.

"I suggest we go find out what they're actually doing." Matsumoto folded her arms across her chest, which was no easy task. The men looked at her blankly, little beads of sweat appearing on their brows.

"I don't like the sound of that idea." Ikkaku frowned.

"C'mon, we don't even know Yumichika's telling the truth. Let's go and see if he really is seeing Soifon and not Omaeda." Matsumoto giggled as the men recoiled painfully from their own thoughts.

………

"I can't believe we actually agreed to do this." Kira shuffled behind Hisagi as the group sneaked around the wall surrounding the 2nd Division headquarters.

"Well, there is this, or sit and be tortured by Matsumoto's evil thoughts." Hisagi replied out of Matsumoto's earshot.

"Well, Yumichika's riatsu is definitely in there. That's confirmed it. C'mon, let's get out of here." Ikkaku tugged on Matsumoto's gi.

"Hold on, we can't see them. I'm scaling the wall." She jumped up and leaned over the wall, the one overlooking Soifon's room.

"You do realise that there are thousands of ninjas swarming around here right?" Ikkaku hissed up at the big busted woman, looking around in the dark night.

"Well be fine. Renji, pass up your sunglasses, I need to use the binocular mode; I think I can see them." She swung out her legs as Renji passed up his glasses. She adjusted the focus and peered through them.

"Let's go before we do something stupider than this." Ikkaku was worried about getting killed by Yumichika if (and when) he found out about this.

"Ah-ha!" Matsumoto laughed in triumph, "I see them!" The curiosity was too great and all the men sprung up to peer over the wall. They all looked through the binoculars and came out with their faces in absolute shock and mild disgust.

"…They do it like normal people…" Renji commented.

"Well there goes my theory." Rangiku shrugged, leaning forward more so she could see better. However, she leaned too far forward and fell arse-over-tit down the other side of the wall. The commotion lead to lights being switched on in the house.

The last thing Ikkaku remembered was thinking shirukens didn't belong in his chest.

………

Ikkaku fluttered his eyes open, focused on the dark object in front of him and then shut them tightly again. One eye opened and peered at the menacing form of Yumichika. He was lying down in a 4th Division bed with several other forms in beds around him; it seemed the ninja attack totally wiped them all out. Ikkaku smiled nervously and awkwardly.

"Sorry?" Not good enough. Yumichika continued to glare at him with rage. Ikkaku looked behind the seething shinigami and saw Kenpachi and Yachiru looking very, very amused. Yumichika would never forgive this as long as he lived.

"I will never forgive you." He growled.

"I figured as much."

"You owe me."

"Of course." Ikkaku sighed. Yumichika turned on his heels and went up to Kenpachi and Yachiru, his face determined.

"What?" Kenpachi asked, staring at the shorter man in confusion. Ikkaku suddenly realised what the other man was planning to do; he began throwing off the sheets.

Yumichika smiled evilly, "Ikkaku paid to sleep with an 80-year-old prostitute." He announced. Ikkaku jumped out of bed, only to have stitches tear. Kenpachi started to crack up, much to Ikkaku's horror, and Yachiru opened the door and shouted down the hall the details of Ikkaku's one-time drunken geriatric escapade from back in the dark ages.

"The hell?" Ikkaku growled at Yumichika.

"Your debt has been paid." Yumichika brushed his hands together. Ikkaku looked at him in disbelief.

"Sorry." He apologised.

"It's okay." Yumichika said.

"You still with Soifon?"

"No." Yumichika sighed, "Too much controversy."

"Was the sex good?" He smiled.

"Fantastic! So, tell me what ugly sex is like." Yumichika twittered.

"Oh, fuck you."

I watched too much Jerry Springer as a child.