Part XXV—Out of One's Past
Her mood miasmatic with melancholy, Zazie followed the subdued shimmer of Scout through the darkened wood. She shivered, the night felt colder but it was the gloom resting on her shoulders, which chilled. The stars still danced and sparkled above their heads but they had lost their joyful radiance. A stray breeze rustled through the trees but otherwise the forest stood still and as silent as death. The night had started with promise and even the encounter with bandits would not have dampened her mood—it had been fun actually—but to run into the Bishop, well, that was something altogether different. Zazie had never really realized how much hate one could hold for another, until this evening, but von Richter had proven to be an excellent teacher.
"Zazie?" Scout said quietly.
Zazie looked at him and, for a moment, didn't recognize him or where they where but the feeling quickly passed.
"Are you feeling alright?" Scout asked.
At first she answered with a blank stare; then she said, "Sorry Scout, we're thinking."
"Think here for a bit while we wait for Equis," Scout said, "but please focus on where we are and what we are doing once we start moving again."
Ahead, Zazie could see the road but they stopped before stepping into the cleared slash between trees. They remained behind bushes that would shield them from traveling eyes but Zazie was elsewhere. Even Vam and Pix, now returned to their body, were so quiet that it was as if she were alone.
"Do you want to talk?" Scout asked.
"We wouldn't know what to say." Zazie replied.
"I don't know how you and your aspects feel," Scout said kindly, "but I'd be upset after facing what you just faced."
"Should we feel bad for how we felt?" Zazie asked.
"Only the three of you can decide how you should feel." Scout responded, "If feeling bad is what you think you should feel, then feel bad, but don't let it consume you and don't let anyone tell you how you should feel either."
"We don't feel bad and we're worried about what others may do if they knew what we felt." Zazie said.
Scout decided not to comment on the young woman's use of the plural; it was a sign that she had truly been unsettled by her experience.
"What might others do?" Scout said, "we—that is your family—won't think bad of you because you were angry. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Hell, I'd be angry too if it was me and because we needed to become intimate with your memories we know what that man is—seeing him made me pretty angry, too."
"We're not ashamed of the way we feel," Zazie said.
"Then why so melancholy?" He asked.
"We don't know if you'll be able to accept us," she said, "if you knew."
"Knew what?" Scout said, "We can't know anything unless you tell us? Please, tell me what you feel."
"Hunger," Zazie said, breathlessly as if excited, "Savage and brutal hunger. Even now, our body is screaming for us to go back and take what is ours. We want to feast on his blood and quench our thirst; to feel its warmth as his life drains down our throat. The thought arouses us in a way we can't describe and we feel no shame. We am seeing ourselves, for what we am and we like it; we want to revel in it but we're worried that we're going to lose our family if we follow the path we long to take."
"Zazie," Scout said firmly, "we've known what you are before you did and still we helped. That you hunger is natural and you must follow you nature: it will drive you to destruction otherwise. Somehow, you must find a way to balance your nature with the nature of the world around you. We will help you; we can accept you."
"Even if we pursue our hunger?" Zazie asked, "Will you trust that we don't turn on you or Caster or Healer or any of the others. You are all so good, how could you have something like us in your midst."
"We trust you." Scout said, "If you leave the vale to quench your hunger we'll not question what you do and as long as you don't bring us harm; you'll remain welcome. Don't make a mistake and think that we're 'good' we're not. We are what our natures demand us to be, just like you, and we are neither human nor the protectors of humans. In many ways, we don't even like humans because of the way they treat our kind: as long as they leave us alone we'll leave them alone. Believe me, Zazie, if you had posed any threat, we would've killed you without a second thought and we still will—if we can anymore, that is—if you become a threat. Don't judge us by human standards; we are not human and neither are you."
"Will all of you feel this way?"
"Feel what way?" Equis said as the bushes parted. "Let's get moving and enjoy this beautiful night while we can."
"You're right," Scout agreed. "We still have a fair distance to travel, I believe, if we are to complete what we set out to do."
Equis reached out and took Zazie's hand and his touch tingled and ignited a different hunger in her. He led her to the road and they resumed walking yet Equis seemed reluctant to release her. Hand in hand, they headed towards Pfalzgrafenweiler and with each step her composure returned.
"You released Bishop von Richter, I guess." Zazie asked.
"Yes," Equis answered.
"You saw to injuries, I guess." Zazie said her tone unpleasant and harsh.
"His injuries will not trouble him." Equis replied.
"So, he'll be alright, I guess." Zazie said with malice.
"I wouldn't say that," Equis said, "An encounter with us, especially you Zazie, would be traumatic for him and I'm certain his appetites will no longer harm to others."
"Equis?" Zazie said turning to the man holding her hand.
"Yes?"
"If I were to become a full vampire, if I were to begin feeding on humans," Zazie said apprehensively, "would you still like me?"
"You'd still be my Zazie." He answered without hesitating.
Scout glanced at the two and smiled, he had heard his friend's possessive tone and words. Hoping that this incident was behind them he joyfully shimmered and flew ahead, before vanishing behind his invisibility.
This is what we should have doing from the beginning. Vam said. You are still there. Zazie said in mock surprise. Always, Pix and Vam crooned. What do you to think, Zazie began; you were on the outside during the whole thing? I still think you should have killed him. Pix said. My, you are a bloodthirsty pixie. Vam teased. I'm not a pixie; I just happen to look and behave like one. Besides, what's wrong with having a little fun? Pix said. I'm not too sure about drinking his blood though, Pix added, that isn't something I want to do. It would have been heavenly, Vam said. Zazie tried to hide her feelings but it was impossible. Zazie wanted to too, you can't hide it from us. Vam concluded. If you want to go out and drink blood, I'd prefer to be left behind. I may have to remember it but I don't want to experience it. Pix said. No fangs, remember? Vam said and Zazie felt a brief stab of disappointment. Vam laughed. We're truly sisters, Zazie. Vam teased. We're not sisters. Zazie replied simply. They felt Scout returning.
"Quiet," he hissed, "I misjudged where Driver's road ended. Pfalzgrafenweiler is ahead and just around the corner."
"Why would the highwaymen set up camp so close?" Zazie asked quietly. "I don't believe it was accidental."
"No," Equis agreed. "I don't either. For some reason they must have felt secure about it or held something that the town wouldn't risk."
"The Bishop." Zazie and Scout said together.
"Likely," Equis said.
"They seriously misjudged I think," Scout said, chuckling. "Pfalzgrafenweiler rallied around the Lady of the Manor after what happened to the Lord. It seems no one liked him—except maybe the Bishop."
"What's ahead?" Zazie asked.
"Two guards at the city gate," Scout replied, "looking far more alert than usual."
"What do you mean?" Equis asked.
"I think the Lady is feeding them better," he replied, "and they look healthy; cleaner, too."
"What now?" Zazie said.
"Our original plan remains the best I think," Scout answered, "Sorry Equis."
"No, I'm fine," Equis said, "we were expecting this all along. Zazie, you'll need to be more careful, more alert guards at the gate mean more alert guards in town; you must not be seen."
"We understand," Zazie replied for all.
"Pity about the invisibility thing," Scout said. "It would've been more reliable than what we have; clouding alert minds is harder than clouding the distracted."
"I'll just use extra concentration," Zazie said, "and once past the gate I should be able to blend with the night and the people of the night. Just because I died doesn't mean I don't remember how to mingle. Think I should pick up a few cold coins while I'm here? I haven't practiced my trade in a few weeks but I don't think I've lost my skill."
Scout suppressed a laugh, it came out as a snort, but Equis didn't look like he enjoyed the joke. That she can accept things like this so fast is truly amazing, Scout thought. For one who has had virtual immortality thrust upon them, her manner of seeing things will keep her safe from the weight of years that will pile upon her.
"You'd be more in demand now I'm sure," Scout said, "it'd be like having three girls for the price of one and I know you've picked up some tricks from Caster."
Zazie blushed.
"Well," Equis said; his tone serious, "let's get this done."
Zazie nodded and slowly began walking toward the city gate. She sent out her tendrils and touched the minds of the sentinels. She sensed the rhythms of their minds and began to manipulate them until she could form and bend them to her will and, thanks to her training wove a careful drapery that clouded her existence in their minds. They still saw everything and yet they couldn't perceive her. Slowly, Zazie approached the gate and it was an odd sensation for her: she stood before them, fully visible yet unseen.
"You head'n out with th' force tomorrow?" One of the sentinels asked.
"Yep, you?" the other answered.
"Yeah, can' have bandits camp'n on yer doorstep can ee? It bad for business. I guess they ne'er knew who they got."
"They would've done better if'ey got the harlot."
The sentries chuckled.
"Yeah, who'd a thought a whore b'worth more than a Bishop?"
"Be worth more to me that fur certain—she was a looker and always a'smilin."
"Yeah, I hope she has peace. The Lord had used her ina awful way but she dinin go with no fight. Lord got what'ee deserve ya ask me."
"You hear 'bout the Lady?"
"We shou'nt talk of that but not sur'rising really, the Lord was unkind to everyone—hi'lady included. Ya' think it true?"
"Tha't she 'ound comfort with some girl, who knows, not r'lly my bus'ness but it sure got the Bishop's back up; not sur'rising he was sent from town though. Guess we can be than'ful to'em bandits, too—he'd done gone threat'ed to bring the Inquisition down on us all."
"Ain't no way the Lady pay'em ransom that fur sure."
"She don't have th'gold they bin asken for anyway."
"At least she feeds us be'er even if'ee got no more silver in our pouch."
Zazie recognized the two men before her talking, so casually. She had never known them but they had been kind to her and the rest of the girls when they had visited the brothel; they had even offered to buy drinks regularly. Zazie smiled. You seemed to have helped, Vam said. I guess, things sound pretty good, Zazie replied. A bit sad that they think we're dead. Pix said. We are dead, Vam answered with a mental smile. Zazie stepped past the guards and through the gate.
Zazie was home but she felt like a stranger.
Her first steps on the well-worn cobbles of the main street brought a flood of memories, old and new, to Zazie. Her eyes followed the well-worn road until they reached the street the brothel was on.
"Memories?" Scout said quietly as he settled on her shoulder; he was warm and comforting in his unseen presence.
"Yes, I never thought I'd leave this village," Zazie whispered, "especially in the way I did."
"What do you think?" Scout asked.
"About what?"
"The village and the people." Scout said
Zazie let one of her tendrils drift over the town. It was different, as if cleaner and warmer but her eyes told her little had changed. She touched the occasional mind and people seemed happier now.
"Remarkable, isn't it?" Scout's whispered startled her. "In so little time so much has changed. The roads and buildings are the same but the foundations have changed. I've been visiting on and off since you've been with us and even though I've seen it happen, it's hard to believe. This is your legacy, Zazie; I hope it endures. "
"What do you mean 'legacy'?"
"With the Lady Pfalzgrafenweiler in charge a chapter of tolerance has begun," Scout said, "but too often the promise that is humanity is ruined and descends back to darkness."
Zazie remained as quiet as a mouse, keeping her face covered with her cloak. She passed a few towns-folk as she made her way to the center of town. Turning a corner her eyes found the steeple of the church, it too remained unchanged and brooding over the town as it always had. Padding her way on soft-soled boots, she made her way to the chapel gates. The gates stood open, as always, and she wondered why they were there. Are they to keep townspeople out or the tenants in? She thought, realizing that only a little while ago the thought of those inside leaving would've been absurd. Funny how perspective changes, she thought humorously. She walked forward but stopped short of the stairs to the chapel and took the path on the right. Zazie stepped into the cemetery.
As it had been in life, so it was in death. The cemetery was arranged with those with the highest eminence near the cathedral walls and those with the lowest near the enclosure walls. As one walked, a person's position in life was apparent and assigned by the row they rested in and so into the afterlife they were sent, their status intact; to remain evermore unaltered and fixed. In the hierarchy of death, there was no changing one's rank, no way of marrying into power or buying position with effort, hard work or money. The place, which Zazie sought, was as far removed from the cathedral walls as the baptized could be; it was against the enclosure wall. She approached the graves of those who had come before. Their individual burials lay undefined and, in the end, only remembered by the names carved in the wall's stone. Zazie shivered and dislodged Scout.
"What is it Zazie?" he said. "I can't believe you are cold."
Zazie looked sad and said, "I was thinking that if you hadn't have found me or if I hadn't managed to escape the Lord or his guards I would be in this lonely place and forgotten by all. I would've left nothing behind but some vague memories; life would have gone on as if I had never existed."
"Life is a series of 'ifs'," he began, "and with each 'if' comes another path to follow. It can be as simple as waking up a few minutes early or a few minutes late and then every thing becomes different. You can't live life worried about 'ifs' because you can't escape their influence, be they subtle or gross. Zazie, the 'if' that brought about your passing from this place was not a ripple but a torrent for these people. Even if they forget your name, your influence will live on; even if it is for just a little while by our standards and what is now yours."
"I know all that but I still think about it," Zazie said, "and even when I'm forgotten by them, it doesn't mean that I will stop caring for them. After all, I had grown up and lived my life with them and many were my friends."
Zazie became silent and stared at the wall. One by one, she read the names carved into the wall and the dates they arrived in this place; it was something she hadn't been able to do before. She wondered about the 'ifs' that had brought each of these people to this place. At last, her eyes reached the name that she had been told was her mother's.
Alvara --------.
"I can't read my last name," Zazie said, surprised, "I can see the letters but they make no sense and yet I know that it's my family name."
Scout settled back to her shoulder and said, "That's the nature of the enchantment you're under, you instinctively know your name but you can't perceive it even though you respond to it when uttered. The same holds for all of us in the Flaw and if you asked we could give you everyone's proper name but our own. Are you curious?"
Zazie thought for a moment; then replied, "No, I'm not. You are Scout, Caster is Caster, Equis is Equis those are your names and even if you find the ones taken, I'll continue to call you by those. I have no desire to dominate you, or anyone else for that matter, so your real names serve no purpose to me."
"Perhaps you're inhuman after all," Scout said wryly. "To have no will to dominate, when such power is offered, is not a trait usually seen in humans or humanity for that matter. Maybe once the rest of your race matures they will think this way but not today or at least not commonly today."
"That sounded a little like an insult, Scout." Zazie said affably.
"Perhaps it was," Scout said, "Still, maybe you're the first human to mature."
"No," Zazie began sombrely, "I'm not human; my encounter with the Bishop proved that once and for all—at least to me. I can't evade what I am and I don't think I want to, I liked the feeling I had when I faced him and I want to feel it again."
"And the thirst?" Scout asked curiously.
"I'll find a way to sate it." Zazie said simply.
Her simple answer sent a chill though Scout. Once more, he remembered the nature of the person, whose shoulder he was sitting on, was something other than her simple appearance suggested.
"Scout, may I have a little time alone?" She asked.
"Yes," Scout replied, "but remember, we can't stay very long."
"I understand."
She felt Scout's weight lift from her shoulder and heard is wings fluttering to the distance. In the quiet under the stars, Zazie knelt before her mother's name. She felt tears fill her eyes and if trying to damn the torrent she closed her eyes. She thought of a simple prayer, which had once comforted her in dark times, but it seemed pointless and empty to her. If there was anyone, who might answer prayers, Zazie was certain they wouldn't answer hers. Still, she felt at rest and at peace in the darkness that embraced her and remembered as best she could her mother's face.
"Hello mom," she quietly said, "I thought I should come and see you before I left. I never thought much about the future or travel but it seems I'm going to see both. I've changed, a lot—I'm sure you know about it—but I still think about you. I've even got new friends—no, mom, that's wrong—I've got family. I guess you understand that too and I'm certain they would've welcomed you the same as they welcomed me. Well, maybe not, I had to die to meet them. I guess that sounds kind of funny but you know what I mean; still, I wish you could meet them. You know I've got a lot a years ahead of me now, mom, and I know you know I won't forget you but it seems the afterlife I once expected is now beyond my grasp. I'd hoped, like they had taught us, that we would be together again in Heaven but I think those gates are closed to me now."
Zazie wiped tears, escaping from her closed eyes, from her cheek and continued, "Other than you and Elfrida, I'm not leaving anything behind but still it seems a little sad to go. I wish I could take you with me—mom, but I can't. Still, you will always be in my heart, so I guess in a way you are coming too. I wish we had had more time together too but fate is cruel, I've found. Fate, some of my new family don't really believe in fate—mom, but I'm not sure how else to explain why I'm here now talking to you. I will try to come and visit every now and then but I don't know where my life—life, is a funny word for me to use now but there are no other words that work—is leading so it may be a long time between visits. I guess you can understand that too, mom. My time is nearly up and I must be gone before sunrise, I know you understand that too, I'm certain Elfrida will continue to visit. After all, you're the closest thing to a mother she had, too. I guess you know that I'm still a little jealous that she had you longer than I did but it's not her fault she's older is it? I'd like to promise you that I'll come back sooner rather than later but I know you understand why I can't make that a promise. I'm sorry I can't stay longer but my family is waiting and daylight isn't a friend of mine anymore. I love you mom, goodbye."
"Who's there? What are you doing and why are you here at night?" A voiced pierced from the darkness.
With no moon in the sky, the night was dark but for the tiny pinpricks of light. They were the stars in the curtain of night and their feeble glow couldn't light the street but she could see. The buildings and their lit windows looked warm and inviting but she wasn't feeling the chill; her mind was on other things. Unconsciously, she walked on not knowing or thinking about where her feet were taking her until she reached the chapel gate. She felt a pull from a path, beyond the open gates, and felt drawn by an invisible string that that led to the chapel stairs. Raising her head, she followed the carefully laid flagstone of the pathway but her eyes stopped before the stairs; the cemetery path was calling her.
"This is hallowed ground," her voice quavered quietly against the night as silent as death, "nothing can touch me beyond and the Bishop is gone. What do I fear? I'm certain she'd understand why I haven't visited lately."
Pulled onward, her foot stepped on the path and she was carried as if by a current into the cemetery. She knew where her feet were taking her and she couldn't refuse their resolve that compelled her forward; she felt frightened of the darkness ahead and yet she still walked on. She could have followed this path with her eyes closed, having traveled it so often, and she almost did from fear. Something was ahead, something not of this world and yet, somehow, belonging to this place. Emerging from the darkness, a cloaked and hooded figure knelt near her destination. She wanted to run but her heart and her feet froze.
Mustering courage, a gift from another that had helped her carry on, she challenged the apparition before her, "Who's there? What are you doing and why are you here at night?"
The dark figure leapt to its feet and, without knowing how or seeing any motion, she felt the tip of a sword pressed against her throat.
"Pl. . . Please, d. . . don't hurt me." She stammered as she felt the night grow colder and darker.
"Elfrida?" A girl's familiar voice asked; she felt sword lifting from her neck but still a tiny drop of blood ran into her collar.
The figure sheathed her sword and pulled the hood from her head.
"-------- is that you?" Elfrida muttered in disbelief.
The young woman standing before her, even with the ugly scar across her right eye and an odd mark that looked like a tear below her left, was without a doubt her friend but she looked puzzled by something.
"I thought you were. . ." Elfrida said. Fear had crept into her voice.
". . . Dead?" Zazie asked calmly, tasting her friend's fear; then feeling dirty because she liked it.
"Well. . . y. . . yes, we all d. . . did --------," replied Elfrida.
Once more, the girl looked puzzled but Elfrida didn't notice; the hair on her arms and neck had stood up.
"W. . .Why do you l. . . look at m. . . me like that, --------?" Said Elfrida, as dread replaced the fear of only a few seconds ago.
"Because Zazie doesn't hear her name, Elfrida." Scout surprisingly spoke as he settled to Zazie's shoulder.
"Scout?" Zazie began, "what are you doing. I wasn't to be seen and here you are talking out loud, what are you thinking?"
"W. . . Who's Zazie?" A weak voice managed.
"It's going to be hard enough explaining your presence to Elfrida, Zazie," Scout said, "it doesn't really matter about me at this point. Good luck with that it should be interesting."
"I guess so but still we were hoping to avoid this." Zazie said.
"Who are are y. . . you talking to?" Elfrida asked, surprised that she could find her voice. "An. . . and why does a voice kn. . . know m. . . my name?"
"You mean Scout?" Zazie said looking at Elfrida and still feeling fear oozing from her friend, she fought her hunger.
"Zazie, your aura," Scout said, "You must suppress it."
"It is suppressed. . . . Oh," Zazie said she understood her friend's fear, "I'm sorry, Elfrida, you startled me. I have a rather dark aura these days and it isn't fully at my command yet. I'm still new at this; I'll suppress it immediately."
Zazie put her words to action and the night suddenly returned to normal. Elfrida looked relieved until Scout appeared on her friend's shoulder.
Elfrida fainted.
"That went better than it might have." Vam said appearing in her effigy and fluttering over to Elfrida for her first look at the girl who was her friend.
"What do you mean?" Zazie asked.
"Well," Pix began after joining Vam on the outside. "She could have ran away screaming. That would have caused us all sorts of trouble."
"They're right," Scout said, "I'm thinking the same thing."
"Now what?" Zazie asked to no one in particular.
"Pix, can you keep Elfrida calm when she wakes?" Scout asked.
"That'll be easy," Pix replied, "because we know her we find it really easy to read her. Much easier than anyone in the Vale as a matter of fact but that may have more to do with her being a simple human."
"This is going to look very strange when she wakes," Zazie commented, "but it may help her understand things a little easier."
"It doesn't matter," Pix said, "I'll have no trouble muddling her memories and make her think it was just a dream."
"I think she's waking up," Vam said and, with Pix, fluttered back to Zazie.
Elfrida felt as if she were waking from a very strange dream. Odd, she thought, why is my bed so cold . . . and hard? Slowly she opened her eyes but it was still dark; I guess the dream woke me up. She thought; then she remembered where she was. Looking towards the wall, Elfrida saw a familiar lithe figure that had two birds fluttering near her head while a third sat upon a shoulder. Unsure of what she was seeing, Elfrida stared and as the strange figures took form in her mind, realization struck. The world grew dim once more, until something pulled her back.
"Elfrida," Zazie said as she knelt beside her friend and tried to soothe, "we won't hurt you."
"Is . . . is it really you?" She managed to ask.
"I'm not sure I can truly answer that," Zazie replied, "I think I'm me but I can't be sure I'm me and since I haven't got a choice I must act as if I'm me. It's kind of hard to explain. I don't have a lot of time so I'll have to try and explain things quickly."
Elfrida stared uncomprehendingly but managed to say, "It sounds like you and it looks like you. How can you be anyone other than --------?"
"Zazie," Zazie said.
"Zazie?"
"In at least one way, I'm not the person I was," Zazie began, "I no longer hear my name in the way you hear your name, Elfrida, please call me Zazie now."
"Have you forgotten?" Elfrida asked.
"Not forgotten," Zazie replied. "It's complicated and I can't really explain how I perceive my true name. My name is Zazie now so please call me Zazie, Elfrida."
"Zazie," Elfrida said, almost as a whisper.
Zazie smiled warmly at her friend.
"What happened to you?" Elfrida began, "why are you here now? We were all sure you were dead, either from your wounds or the night and the forest."
"Where to begin?" Zazie said and began to recount her story to Elfrida.
Zazie told her tale. Elfrida stared, wide eyed with disbelief; the tale being told turned the fantastic into the mundane; regularly blurring the lines between the real and the unreal. From her contact with the girl, she now called her second mother, to her awaking on the last full moon Zazie told all. From finding that she was both dead yet not dead, cursed yet blessed, to taking her first steps towards tomorrow, Elfrida listened as Zazie spoke with elegance in a manner more befitting royalty than a harlot. It was as if her oldest friend was purging herself of her past, so she could move forward. At times awed, at times terrified, Elfrida remained breathlessly attentive: the story unfolded in simple words that were anything but simple describing things both grand and epic. From feelings of sorrow to feelings of rapture, Elfrida felt Zazie's saga as if her own and out of her wonder and awe came a surprising revelation: Elfrida felt jealous. This story might have been her own had it not been for fate; then Elfrida remembered a smile. It was a smile, beaming with joy, which couldn't hide sad azure eyes looking for strength and redemption. As Zazie finished her story, the night seemed dark, silent and, for some reason, sad but once more Elfrida felt she could breathe.
"You're a vampire now," Elfrida said, hesitantly.