Wow, I know I left the last chapter on a very depressing note - I tried to update sooner but some difficulties arose and I apologize, but look at the bottom of the chapter for how I'm making it up to you all! Anyway, because of difficulties this chapter has not been edited by anyone other than myself and I will admit my eyes may miss something - so I'm sorry for any errors you may see. On with the last full chapter!
Chapter 24 - An Impasse
The sunshine had never felt more inappropriate. The rain should have been weeping over the doll-sized casket in front of me, it should have been pouring with a sense of sorrow that made it seem like there would be no more sunny days; instead the skies were clear with a crisp warmth that made the black dress I wore sticky. It was a bitter irony - the first beautiful day I was out in for months and it was to be in the most ugly setting.
It had been easy for Carlisle to convince my mother that he, Edward, and Alice did not want to interrupt a family funeral so that they could stay out of the sun. Between he and my mother they had agreed that this should only be a family affair since we had lost someone so young and so close.
To convince Arie of that was impossible. Not that she wasn't like a sister to Shawn as well, but even if he had been an estranged great uncle John, Arie would have refused to leave me alone at a time like this. Edward had been pleased when he'd heard, but I had been terrified. I knew that I would have to give answers I didn't have.
I threw a baseball card onto his casket instead of a flower. Ma mere had not been pleased when I had demanded I do it, but the yellow roses mom and the others threw on his casket just didn't look as in place as the little paper card did. I hadn't been able to handle losing all of them to the ground, but his most important one would always be with him now instead of put up in a box I would probably never be able to open.
Everyone stood silent for a long moment after they lowered the casket. No one seemed to want to be the first one to move. My mother was inconsolable on the opposite side of the grave, Katie wrapped protectively under her arm and Earl trying to hold them both upright. It was strange to look at my family across the grave from me - it was a disassociation that was obvious to everyone, but I couldn't tell if it was because of the everlasting gap between my mother and I or if it was because I was now a completely different person.
To be fair, I've always been a completely different person than the others in this family. It had always been a setting that I just hadn't fit into - Earl and Sarah had their children and the four of them were a family. It was just a fact. But I had always seemed like this strange thorn which had been lodged into my mother's side long ago, one that just kind of came with the package, though she was made of a different pattern than I was. I had always resented her for it - for the separation between me and my own family - but now I understood that it may not have been something she could have helped. Maybe I really was just that displaced.
One of my uncles broke the stillness in the cemetery, going up to Earl and making sure that he and ma mere were alright. Katie looked across the deep hole in the ground to lock eyes with me, watching me with a blank gaze - poor Katie. I had learned what loss was younger than her; losing dad to the divorce, losing my pet, then finally losing Grand'Mere - but I had hoped Katie would be older before she were ever to have been subjected to death. It meant it as time for her to grow up, to learn how cruel the real world was, that real stories didn't get happy endings.
I turned my eyes away from her, finally able to move thanks to my uncle breaking the quiet. I turned to Arie - who determinedly tried to hide her wince at my appearance - before I started walking away. My family knew I would meet them at home and my mother had already said I didn't need to stay for the reception after the funeral - it was the only benefit of having been there when my brother was killed: everyone watched me, so no one wanted me to be there to draw attention and unnecessary questions.
"You okay to walk?" Arie asked, looking at me closely. "Or are you still dizzy?"
I had a major concussion that prevented all safe movement or good nights of sleep. Luckily I told my mother that I set a nightly alarm and she believed me after the third night of her being too grief-stricken and exhausted to be able to check up on me so often. Instead, Edward had been keeping firm timing on an hourly wake up call to ensure that I would wake up and not have any lasting brain damage.
"I'll be fine," I lied. I just didn't want her to have to look at me anymore. Being all bruised, bandaged, and having my pupils dilated to two different sizes upset her. She had said it once and Edward had explained it to me multiple times after he had been upstairs while she was checking on me twice a day. She nodded and fell in step with me, her hands stayed in an awkward position as if to catch me if I got lightheaded and fell. We walked in silence to Jenn's car - none of my other friends had been invited, but they were more than happy to fork over their resources. She helped me get into the passenger's seat - I tried desperately not to show her how bad of a head rush it gave me - before she climbed into the driver's seat and buckled herself up.
"Well," she said quietly. "A serial killer in Phoenix...not a first."
"Not a first," I agreed with a nod, turning to look out the window so that I wouldn't have to catch her eye for her inevitable interrogation.
"How did you know?" Arie asked, looking at me from the corner of her eye as we turned out from the cemetery. "You told me to stay away from downtown, you knew."
"I didn't know Shawn was going to die."
"But you knew the killer had him?" Her voice was hard, she was accusing me. Arie had never accused me of anything in my entire life, she was the woman who did what I asked without question and defended me before she even knew I was innocent. Now she was accusing me over a hunch...a hunch that was correct, but a hunch nonetheless. Arie sighed, her voice softening when I didn't answer her. "Liv, you're my best friend in the entire world. Kibbles 'n' bits, remember? I'm not going to sell you out to the cops or anything - I just need to know. You warned me not to go downtown, you told me you had done something stupid, you left Forks telling your dad you 'needed to help her' and then Shawn..."
"Died." I finished for her. "Shawn died."
"Exactly," her hands tightened against the steering wheel. "Your mom told me that he was unresponsive in the ambulance and you'd lost so much blood you should have been too...and then the school burnt down after you told me to stay away from downtown with the serial killer in it? I know it had to be you, but I also know you couldn't start a fire by yourself if you had a match and a gallon of gasoline - Liv, what happened?"
What should I tell her? What did I have the strength to tell her? Not much. Particularly because in the end, this was not only my secret to keep. The world of vampires and magic and red-eyed monsters definitely wasn't my secret to tell her and without that the rest of the story it all sounded just as farfetched. But this was Arie. My best friend. My confidant - surely I couldn't just leave her clueless. She needed answers just like I would, she was probably going out of her mind with worry...little did she know how worried she'd ought to be.
"I told the police that when I had gotten home I saw that the place was ransacked. I said that I called Katie's cell phone and he had answered with a ransom demand. So I rushed there to request a trade instead - Shawn got caught in the crossfire."
"Yeah, that's what you told the police," she agreed, waiting until she turned onto the main street near my house before throwing a firm glance toward me out of the corner of her eye. I knew what the look meant, she was asking me what really happened. But how could I tell her that an insane vampire had blackmailed me after my boyfriend - also a vampire - had defended me during a vampire game of baseball I had been a part of?
She wouldn't even believe the baseball part.
"The killer, his name was James. And James had put a target on me when we were in Forks." I whispered. "It's why I left - I didn't want him to be around the people there and Mom, Earl, Shawn and Katie were all in New York..." I breathed a shuttering breath, my conscience was making my throat constrict against giving away Edward's secret. "But he came here anyway and Katie had gotten that audition, so they'd rushed out and gotten Shawn a babysitter-"
"Oh my God," Arie put one hand over her mouth. "Is that how Mrs. Magnon died?"
"He wanted leverage," I whispered in affirmation. "Besides that little prequel, the rest of the story was true. I came home, called Katie's cell, he picked up and I rushed to the school. I tried to get Shawn out, but...well, it didn't work."
"And the killer just happened to die in the accidental fire?" Arie was too smart for her own good. She was rubbing the tears out of her eyes because they were interfering with her driving, but she knew the truth. Were she not driving and crying she would have been glaring holes through my eyes and out the back of my scull.
"You think I could intentionally kill somebody?" I barked out a laugh. "I wanted to. When I watched Shawn die, I wanted to kill him - but I couldn't. Not wouldn't, I couldn't. I would have found the hate to do it - but I just couldn't have been able to overpower him."
"Livi," she frowned. "You're still not telling me something."
"I got Shawn killed, Arielle." I hissed harshly. She grimaced. "There's really nothing else to tell."
"Oh?" She spat out sarcastically. "Then how'd your boyfriend and his family get here? How did they find you at the hospital? How did they-"
"Carlisle's a doctor," I reasoned, purposely avoiding the actual question. "He probably got a page from a friend of his. And Edward came with his family when he heard that I had made it to Phoenix. He wanted to make sure I was okay."
"Vivienne," Arie breathed. "What happened to you?"
"What?"
"What happened to you?" She frowned. "You were always that tough girl that always stuck on her own and lived for herself. Now you're defending this guy, Edwin-"
"Edward," I corrected with gritted teeth.
"Because you love him-"
"I don't believe in love."
"Bullshit!" She screeched, pulling over to the side of the road so violently that my head hit the seat and made me wheeze. I noticed that we were just houses away from my own driveway, apparently she was not in the mood to let her lecture wait. "Look at yourself! You're mutilated, your brother just died, you just lied to police - and since when the hell did you learn to lie in the first place? - and you lied to your family. You are a completely different person. The Liv I loved would never have been so stupid! The Liv I loved I could and would have trusted, and lied for, and fought beside for anything without question. So where the hell has my best friend gone?"
I turned to her with just as furious an expression. She winced just seeing my face, my unlevel gaze that was caused by my concussion. I'm sure to her I did look mutilated, but the little flicker of weakness in her face drove me to let out the anger that I had been feeling. The pain, the turmoil, the feeling of being lost. She could go back home and live her life just like she always had - but I was going back to a broken home. She was a friend, not a sister. Not someone who I had lost. And not someone who had been there when it happened. If she thinks that a few years of friendships entitles her to blaming me for all of this as I'll be blaming myself for the rest of my years of life, then she was dead wrong.
"Your best friend has been through hell and back and held her little brother while he was dying," I argued with a sneer that seemed to terrify her. "Don't try to understand what the hell happened, and don't you dare pretend like you already do. You will never understand what I've been through. You will never understand what this is like, so don't go playing the martyr."
I got out of the car, swaying in place and clinging to the door to keep my balance so that I wouldn't look like the weak one here. She needed to break first - she needed to give up and realize that she could not go around accusing me of killing my brother when she hadn't been there. She couldn't accuse Edward of anything when she was just a witness to the aftershocks. The aftershocks were not the fatal blow.
"Vivienne," she started to argue as I bent down from outside the car, keeping tight grip on the door so that I wouldn't fall.
"No, Arie. You're right. I'm not the Liv you knew - but you aren't the Arie I knew either. You're not only blaming me for this, you're not only doing the opposite of everything you just preached, but you have no freaking respect. No respect for the pain that my family is going through - don't you get that it's the reason I'm keeping all of this quiet? And the minute I trust you with it, you decide that I'm not good enough compared to the Vivienne you knew? I'm not the one who went to parties and danced with boys and tripped only to laugh and flip off the camera anymore? Well then yes. You're right. I'm not that girl. I will never be that girl again. And if you don't understand why I'm not, then what the hell are you still doing here?"
I slammed the car door in her face, though she could have spoken to me easily through her unrolled window. Luckily, she didn't say anything but stayed parked there until I got to my driveway - she sped away the moment I had made it to the first step of the porch and by the time I was on the last step, I was engulfed in Edward's arms.
"You're here," I gasped, clinging onto him tightly and trying to fight back the pain that radiated through me from fighting with my best friend.
"Of course I am."
"You heard," I stated knowingly. He nodded against the embrace, not loosening his hold on me.
"Of course I did."
"Was I too hard on her?"
"She's already forgiving you," He told me quietly as he rocked me back and forth in his arms. "She's just embarrassed. She wants to give you time to cool off before she apologizes."
"Did you read her mind?"
"Yes, though I didn't have to. She is a good friend."
It was amazing how quickly just a few of Edward's words could comfort me. He must have sensed how upset I was over arguing with Arie and how exhausted I felt after attending the funeral, because he quickly ushered me into the house and picked me up to rush me to my bedroom. I didn't even have the oomph in me to complain.
I flopped on my bed when we had made it there, closing my eyes to ward off the nausea caused from the room spinning around me. When I felt like I had stopped turning, I looked up to my ceiling at the stick-on stars that I had put up with Katie and Shawn two years before - they looked so childish now and yet I felt like they were the only thing in the room that fit the new me. The stars - which I had put into correct astronomical patterns to form my favourite constellations and taught my siblings the history of - were so far away from me and something I would never actually get to see. It was like a metaphor for freaking my life. Shawn had loved these stars.
Edward moved toward my feet and slid me out of the ballet flats I'd donned for the funeral, he also took the time to take my hair out of its French braid so that he could check the goose egg on my head that I'd gotten.
"The lump on your head is detracting," he told me with an enthusiasm that could not mask the tragic tone everyone's voices had taken on since James' end move. "Carlisle's hopeful that your concussion will be more manageable by the end of the week. How is your arm doing?"
"Great, I really enjoy looking like a suicide risk." I mumbled sarcastically while turning my head to look at him. He was looking at me, as he usually was: filled with so much emotion that I was left breathless. My bed had always seemed so small, but now that I was sharing it with him, it didn't seem small enough. It was as if anytime there was space between us, I feared that it would stay there. That I would never be able to be close to him again. I couldn't imagine losing him after what I had just lost.
"I'm so sorry, Vivienne," he whispered to me, taking my arm from around my middle lifting the long sleeve to examine the crisp white bandages that travelled from my wrist to my elbow. I really did look like a suicide gone wrong - the injuries spoke louder than my story did because I'd had to go through quite a few psych evals. The look on his face when he looked at the bandages was almost as painful as the wound itself had been, and I waited to kiss the pain out of his eyes as he dragged his finger across where Shawn had bitten me...it was cold even through the dressings. "This is my fault."
"It's not," I sighed, turning to look up at the stars above my head again. "And if you don't stop saying it, I'm going to punch you."
"That would only harm you more," I think he was trying to sound like he was joking, but the wince that I could see out of my peripheral gave away his worry.
"If that concerns you then maybe you should shut up," I offered. "I know I tell you that it isn't your fault - which it's not - and I know that you tell me it's not mine -though it is - but clearly we will never agree so let's just let it go. I don't want to spend my time with you worrying about you self-sabotaging yourself."
"Though you know I am," he almost smiled.
"Of course, but it's nice to pretend that you aren't. It's nice to pretend that I don't have to be the strong one - not that I'm saying you aren't," I said quickly, beginning my stereotypical rant. "You're super strong in pretty much every way, it's just that...well...you heard what Arie said! I'm the tough one and it's, well-"
"It's nice to not have to be," he smiled. "I understand. And I will be the strong one for this. You don't need to be the strong one for something of this nature...you should never have to experience something of this nature. You don't always have to be strong, Vivienne."
"Yes, I do." I whispered. "You said so yourself - you might not always be here."
I turned away from him at that, even when I heard him sigh heavily from beside me. He had had the conversation with me numerous times; the one where he explained to me the benefits of moving back to Phoenix with my family so that I could grieve and get away from all the troubles that came with having a boyfriend as a vampire. He had brought it up time and time again until it had made me so angry I had wrapped my arms around him and told him that if he had to leave, he had to leave then and never come back. While he was in my arms, so that he would understand that he was breaking away from me for his own benefit, and no other reason.
I'd stayed in his arms until I woke up the next morning.
"I love you, you know."
"I hope so," I sighed, trying to keep the low tones that had appeared after all my crying out of my voice. My voice was like perma-low now, instead of the little bit of bounciness it once had, or that's how Arie had put it. "Because I think you owe me a lifetime's supply of ice cream and cuddling on command."
"Then shackle me," he smiled, pulling me toward him. "I'm a slave meant to dote on you."
"Watch it," I smiled tauntingly. "I did not order cuddle time for now. Do not take advantage of your punishment. It's a punishment. You're supposed to hate it."
"But how could I?" he asked, burying his face into my hair. I relented into the feel of it, it was comfortable and the coolness radiating off of him kept me awake against the exhaustion that always threatened to take over when he was not around. He had warned me that I should be sleeping more and that if his temperature was a problem I should let him know, but he also explained that most people go into bought after bought of depression where they just need to sleep and recover their mental processes - I didn't want to spend my time sleeping. Sleep brought nightmares.
"When I die, I don't want red roses." I said suddenly. I felt him stiffen beside me. "I want blue roses. Or maybe those daylilies that look like they're on fire. And I want to be cremated and have my ashes spread - I don't like the idea of staying in one place for all eternity. It's scary enough thinking I may never get to go to Paris like I'd always planned."
Arie had told me she would cancel her summer trip to France when the news had reached her about Shawn, but I had refused to let her. I had ordered her to go and live it for me - it had always been something that I had dreamed to do, but I knew I would never get the chance. I had convinced her with a genuine laugh telling her it may finally help her with the French that she was so hopeless with.
"You want to go to Paris? I'll take you, right now. If that's what will make you happy, we should leave." Edward said quickly, sitting up on the bed to look down at me. I furrowed my eyebrows at him, looking between each eye suspiciously as if one of them would show me that he was lying.
"Edward, as...as amazing as that sounds, I can't just leave." I frowned. "I want to, but I can't leave Katie - not when she's like this. And I can't leave Arie after we fought like that...no, I need to stay here. Just for a bit longer. Just until Katie is okay."
Edward almost seemed to deflate before nodding. "Of course, I'm sorry for giving such a temptation. You are strong."
"Not too strong," I sighed, thinking about how badly I would want to just throw things aside and get out of here. Even if we just went to Utah, or Nebraska, or Florida, I just wanted to leave. I just wanted to go somewhere that didn't haunt me with memories like each step of this house did. "I can't wait to go back to Forks."
"Are you sure you want to go?" Edward asked me for the millionth time. "I'll understand, Vivienne, I really will."
"Edward," I sat up on my elbows to make my point. "I told you: kibbles - and - bits. You're not getting rid of me unless you want to get rid of me; because there's no way in hell I'm ever going to want to get rid of you."
"Not even as you grow old and I remain a seventeen year old?"
I smiled. "I'm alright being a cougar."
"And when I can't give you children?" He frowned. I tried not to let the jabs he continually made get to me.
"I can have artificial insemination. Pick someone's sperm that isn't filled with magnetic energy for trouble. Don't look at me like that, I totally could. It's a growing industry, Edward - it's almost guaranteed, nowadays." I argued a little bit more firmly.
"And when you have the children and they grow the same age as I?"
"Then I guess I'll be a MILF," I rolled my eyes. "Listen, I'm pretty much in like with you so if you don't want me that's your own problem but you need to get it into your pretty little head that I like you. Just give it up. When I don't want you around because you're too beautiful-" I snorted derisively. "I'll be sure to let you know."
He laughed, finally, breaking through the tension that always mounted when this conversation took place. I couldn't help but feel proud of myself - I may not be a good liar, but I had become a good deflector in all my time with him. It was nice to use my new talents on a master and come out on top.
"'In like with me'," he repeated with a laugh. "I will love you for all my days," he smiled, kissing my forehead. "All of them."
"Start counting them for me, won't you?" I smiled up at him. "I expect a present every year and every thousand days."
"Ice cream, roses, and a pajama movie night again?" He asked tauntingly. I frowned at him mockingly, hitting him lightly on the arm for emphasis.
"Don't say it so negatively! It makes me happy, so bite me." I realized the joke as I said it and stopped for a moment, worried that he would revert into sad-Edward again. I was pleasantly surprised, however, when he laughed loudly.
"I only take orders for cuddling, Vivienne." He corrected me. "Not biting."
"It's okay," I smiled, pulling him down until he was holding me as close as we could manage. "I don't think I'm really into that kind of kinky stuff anyway."
Alright, I tried to pick it up a little bit at the end, but I promise that the epilogue won't have such a sorrowful feel all around. The way I'm apologizing for the wait is that I will be releasing a chapter every day for a week (maybe even more) for one of my stories! So today was Nightfall, tomorrow I am going to update a different story and so on and so forth. I have two chapters for each story written and I decided that I was going to release them now. So you will be getting the conclusion of Nightfall within the week. That is a PROMISE. If not, I will buy you all candy - with money I don't have, so clearly I'm keeping this promise.
To my fantastic reviewers:
Angel of the Night Watchers: That is very depressing, I'm sorry that I happened to name him Shawn. It was a very sad chapter, it's true and I didn't really make this one any more chipper, but I couldn't just leave things as they were left last chapter. The epilogue is more uplifting, though. Where are you in Vampire Diaries? I don't know if you got my message in the DocXs that I tried to send, but you shouldn't read the first chapter of the new story I'm releasing if you aren't caught up, it has SEVERE spoilers. And of COURSE my favourite character is Damon! Caroline, Katherine, and Klaus are pretty cool too (the latter two not in a friendly way, but still cool). I tend to like the jerks of any piece and I think it's pretty clear from any story I write that I like me them bad boys. I can't help myself - bad boys have the key to adventures I will never be able to open. Oh well.
Feenrai: Of course I dedicated the last chapter (and this entire story) to you! You made it worth updating, I swear. I'm glad you understand that the story took on a life of its own and became what it became, what with Shawn dying. I was really worried people wouldn't receive the idea well since he was so young and innocent - the whole time I had very different plans with what should happen that actually centered around Katie, but it worked out as it did and that's all there is to it. I thought it was interesting that my mind played things in a similar fashion to the original scene as well - even though I changed so much at the same time. And realistically, I think that as much as we romanticize vampires in this day and age, most people would choose not to be one. I, personally, love the idea but I don't think I could live with seeing everyone I love die and having the potential of hurting people. Nevertheless I couldn't imagine not being able to have a family - for me, that makes the decision easy. I thought I'd make that Vivienne's idea as well, not only for the change of the story, but also because I think it's more realistic. I hope that you liked this chapter and thank you, as always, for the review!
brebrelovesyou: It's sad he did have to die, but I think that it was more realistic than the happy ending that Twilight got (not even just this book, but the entire series). I'm glad that you like it, thank you so much for the review and for reading :)
Guest: I am still considering whether or not to continue and I will let you know when this next update comes out whether or not I plan on continuing the story. I really appreciate the review - thank you!
ChocolatSugar: I know this was left for chapter two, so if you made it this far thank you for reading and reviewing! :)
So remember, for the next eight days (at the very least) you will be getting a chapter a day - two for each story, including chapters for a new story called Second Hand which is a Vampire Diaries story, with a Damon/OC romance and a little bit of Klaus/OC written in as well...Second Hand will be insanely dramatic and exciting. It will get to the point where almost every chapter will just be full of plot twists and drama!I'm so excited for it - so if you like my favourite blue-eyed, badass vampire Damon Salvatore; this is a story for you.
Please REVIEW, particularly if you want to see a rewrite of New Moon! Thank you :)
-Egypt