RPOV

After Dimitri so generously had chosen me over our daughter, Tasha had vanished into the night. Abe, Pavel and Christian hadn't been far behind Dimitri but just enough for Tasha to escape. They had gone after her while Dimitri carried me to the meeting point and Adrian's waiting arms. I think I might have died a few times during that night, but they were medically able to restart my heart. Next thing I knew I was at the hospital and Dimitri was sitting next to my bed. His head was bowed into his arms and his back was slowly rising and falling. He was most likely asleep due to the exhaustion. I let my gaze wander and wound Abe sitting on the other side of my bed.

He met my gaze and gave me a sad smile. Smile that conveyed sympathy and condolence. It made me scream. My voice was hoarse and broken but that didn't stop me. I screamed for my own stupidity, for Dimitri´s wrong choice and for our lost daughter. I screamed for the pain of losing my purpose to live. They might have physically saved me but at what cost?

Dimitri woke at my screams and panicked. He tried to give me some kinds of shitty explanation but I didn't listen. I just cried and yelled for them to get out of my room. Reluctantly they gave way to a Moroi doctor and a nurse. I would have liked to be left the fuck alone, but they had to give me some kind of shot to calm me down. As I sunk back to the bed I kept my gaze on Dimitri. "This is all your fault…" I saw that those words broke him apart, but I didn't give a damn. He had chosen wrong.

During the next couple of days, I had many visitors. Some even bought me insignificant things like flowers, chocolate and doughnuts. I didn't talk to them even though they tried to tell me that they would help me find Tasha. I already knew that even if we did find Tasha, it would already be too late. Adriana did not make it and nothing else mattered.

Lissa came to see me one time. Adrian and the doctors had done the necessary to keep me alive, but the scars were my own to heal. Lissa though had other plans. She couldn't handle my new look and had taken the liberty of healing me while I slept. She apparently thought she was doing me a favor. I had woken up to her trying to heal my stomach. I had started to scream the bloody murder and actually hit her. The guards had not been too kind and understanding about me hitting the Queen. I was restrained and put back to sleep. But before the world faded away from me I had told exactly what I would do to Lissa if she ever again tried to undermine or wipe out the only link I had left to my daughter.

After that, I was finally left alone. My time at the hospital was relatively short thanks to the spirits and I was discharged pretty quickly. Going home from the hospital empty handed was just another reminder for me of what I had lost. Dimitri drove me home, but we didn't talk. I couldn't even look at him. If I had a choice I would not have gone home. But my body was still healing so I had to stay put.

Our lives continued as if nothing had ever happened. We both went to work, to the gym and to all the meeting that were required. On the outside, we were just two model guardians doing their job. But on the inside, both of us were broken. At home, we lived our separate lives. We didn't talk and we certainly didn't have any physical contact. I blamed Dimitri for choosing me over Adri and for giving Tasha false hope in the first place. I also blamed myself for being too blind to see Tasha's plan and for walking straight into her trap. And most of all, for risking Adri because of my hastiness. I think Dimitri blamed me for that too. And like me, he blamed himself for a lot of things.

Our lives had become just a big and depressing blaming game. Dimitri punished himself by sleeping every night on the couch and me by never making food for two. I punished him by never doing his laundry, just mine and myself by never opening the nursery door. Lissa had thought it would be a good idea to prepare the nursery for Adri. I had never seen the room and I never would. Every time I walked by that door, I would stop for a couple of seconds to take a deep breath before moving on. Because that was the only thing I could do, move on like nothing happened.

Some days were easier than others. I still talked to my friends but mostly on official contexts. Those were the easy days. My friends had accepted my rules for not bringing Adri up and respect that. They tried to keep me busy and talked only about our lives before all of this. It made me feel just a little lighter when I was with them. But with Dimitri, they talked about everything. I guess Dimitri needed that. To my surprise, he bonded with Christian the most. I heard Christians voice quite often when he walked Dimitri home. Sometimes he popped inside and asked if I had talked with Lissa. And the answer was always no. I didn't have anything to say to her. And it didn't help that Lissa had announced her pregnancy almost right after I was discharged from the hospital. I guess she once again jumped to a stupid conclusion that it would be fun if our kids grew up together.

Things between us got only worst when she finally gave birth to a baby boy. Dimitri had of course gone to the hospital to congratulate them. But it took me weeks to go see the kid. I throw up a couple of times on my way to Lissa's house. The idea of a baby made me physically sick. But I still made myself knock on her door.

The kid was cute and looked just like Christian. He had Lissa's green eyes but otherwise, he was a cookie-cutter copy of his father. I think if he had Ozera´s blue eyes I would have thrown up again. They tried to make me hold him but I drew the line there. Dimitri though didn't have any problems with holding other people's kids and he actually smiled down at him. That made me sick to my stomach and my hate for him grow. I know that I would probably die if Dimitri ever left me, but I still resented him. Love and hate. Blame and punish.

Then Lissa dropped the bomb. She wanted me to be his godmother. I out loud laughed and everyone in the room stiffed. "You want me to look after your son when I got my own daughter killed? You want me to help raise your son when I will never see my own daughter walk, talk or laugh? Well fuck you Vasilisa."

I had gotten up from the couch and left. Dimitri spent weeks after that avoiding and judging me but I didn't care. I had spoken the truth. The truth though had distanced me from all of my friends. They had chosen Dimitri´s side and Dimitri had learned to rely on them for support. I, on the other hand, had learned to stand on my own two feet. Slowly I started to realize that I had nothing left at the court. Lissa was still my charge but I was starting to question my loyalty to her. And so were others. I did mostly night shifts where I didn't have to face her. And I still did my job well, so nobody could complain about me. But I knew my time was up.

On the quiet I contacted Abe. He has said that I could call him for anything at any time. So I called him and asked if he was hiring at the moment. As if happens he did have a job for me. I asked him to give me a month to pack and to get my ducks in the row. He agreed and gave me 28 days to decide. I asked him to keep this on the downside until I chose what to do with my broken life.

This was a big decision, so I didn't take the decisions making lightly. I kept wondering around the court and thinking what the life here would be like without me. I spied on my friends and watched as they lived their lives without me. I followed Dimitri and saw how he coped with his sorrow without me. I wasn't surprised of what I saw but still little sad. I had brought this upon myself as a punishment, but it still hurt. As I returned home from my trip I decided that I would take Abe's offer. I picked up the phone and called him but the call went to the voicemail.

Abe didn't call me back that night, so I waited until the next day to call again. But for some reason, I never made the call. I waited for another day. And then another. And another. Abe didn't call me and I think he could sense my indecisiveness. And I guess it tells something about my mental state that in the middle of my phone drama, I totally forgot Adri's birthday. Or I would have if Dimitri had not come home that night totally hammered.

I was sitting on the couch and reading through a report when something hit the door. I hurried to the door and Dimitri almost fell to the floor as I swung the door open. "Dimitri?"

"Shh! Don't wake the dragon!" He laughs and stumbles inside. I take it that I am the evil dragon that he should be avoiding. How nice. But I just sigh and close the door after him. Dimitri hits the couch and falls over its back. I walk closer to see if he is still alive. Yep, still alive, just drunk.

Dimitri tries to get up by leaning against the coffee table, but he sways and ends up back on the floor. "What are you doing drinking in the middle of the week? This is not like you, Dimitri."

He just looks at me gaze wandering until he finally is able to sit up. "It's her first birthday…"

"What now?" At first, I thought I heard him wrong.

"Goddammit, Rose! It's our daughter´s first birthday! The daughter you seem to have completely forgotten! The daughter whose full name you are not willing to tell me!" He yells at me. This is the first time ever that Dimitri yells at me. And then he starts to cry. It broke my heart to see my Russian god crying. Slowly I sat down next to him but gave him room to gain control.

"Why are we doing this to each other? Haven't we suffered enough?" He asks and looks me pleadingly.

"It's not that easy…" I tell him and avoid his gaze by looking at pictures on the wall. Pictures of the time when we were in love and happy.

"I know that. God, I know. But we need to talk! Before we lose each other too!" He tries to take my hand, but I move my hand away at the last second. I feel a wave of guilt. I don't think Dimitri knows about my plans, but he is right. More than he knows. We have drifted apart and reached the breaking point.

"Adriana. I named her Adriana Hope Belikova…" I guess I owed him that much.

Dimitri stays quiet watching the pictures for a while before saying: "Thank you, Rose…"

"Give me." I gesture toward the bottle he brought with him. He just chuckles and hands the bottle over. And for the first time, we actually talk about what happened. Not that we would remember much of it in the morning, but at least we talked.