Hours. That was how much time she spent in the cove he had brought her to. Hours alone. Hours crying. Hours heartbroken. Hours betrayed. Why had he done this? Why had he left her like that, after everything he had done? After everything she had done for him? She should have known. She didn't deserve him, of course he left her. She sat on a rock beside the pond, not wanting to move. Her thoughts raced. She touched her cheek, where she knew her Vallaslin still stood stark against her cheeks. Had he left her because she kept them? Was he reminded of a slave when he looked at her face? She couldn't just get rid of them. When he offered, she had thought of Mahanon, of how proud he had been when she chose her marks. She couldn't remove that memory from her skin any more than she could take it from her mind. No. There had been more to it. She had heard the lie in his voice when he told her. Her Vallaslin was not why he had brought her here.
"Ellana?" a voice called. She turned, seeing Dorian at the mouth of the cave.
"How did you find me?" she asked softly. Her friend sat beside her.
"He told me where you were." he admitted. She gave a shaky laugh.
"Great news, Dorian: You were right. You were right not to trust him." she breathed. He put an arm around her shoulders.
"I didn't want this for you. You know I want nothing but happiness for you." he disagreed. She leaned into him, feeling comforted by the gesture. Once she had flinched at every touch. She almost laughed at how much things had changed.
"You aren't going to say 'I told you so'?" she asked. He scoffed.
"I'm a little offended that you think I would." he admitted. She sighed.
"I don't think you would." she promised. For a while they sat in silence, listening to the waterfall hitting the pond.
"I will sit with you as long as you want, but I think the others might start to worry." Dorian said after a time.
"They know?" she asked.
"They know. He wasn't exactly quiet about what happened. Nearly ripped my head off when I asked where you were." he growled.
"I thought you said he told you where to find me." she asked.
"Well, technically he told Cullen." Dorian revealed. Ellana blinked in surprise. Why would Solas tell Cullen? He hated Cullen. Solas. Thinking his name was like a knife in the heart. He had hurt her in a way she had never been hurt before. She had lost love, but before it had been ripped away from her against their will. She had never had love choose to leave. There had to be something wrong with her, right? Why else would someone choose to leave when they had love? She was surprised when she realized she was crying on Dorian's shoulder. She wasn't used to crying in front of others. She looked up at him.
"What did I do wrong?" she pleaded. He couldn't know, and she knew that, but she had to ask. There had to be someone who could tell her how she had messed everything up. His face softened.
"You did nothing wrong, Peanut. He is the one who messed this thing up." he assured her, saying the opposite of what her own mind told her.
"I just...I don't understand why. He told me he loved me, told me how important I was to him, and then suddenly we're just...not together anymore? Why would anyone give up the love we had?" she babbled. He sighed and shook his head.
"I can't say I know what is going on in the man's head, Ellana, but maybe he loved you too much to let you get hurt by whatever he plans to do with his life." he threw out. She wondered if he was right. She shook her head. Having lost what she had, she would never just give up something good like that. Something had to be wrong.
"Can we go now? I...I just want to get away from here." she asked. Dorian didn't hesitate to help her up. The pair left the cove behind. She hoped she would never have to see the place again.
"Stop. You are perfect exactly as you are. But then you turned away. Why?" Cole asked. Solas rubbed at his temples. He liked the spirit, but he was in his head a bit too much for his liking.
"I had no choice." he replied. The Inquisitor had returned days ago. He hadn't seen her and she hadn't seen him. She hadn't even tried to find him, and today was the day that she would be heading off to Orlais. It was for the best. He had to believe that.
"She feels her face, marked, marred without malice. She didn't know. She thinks it's why you walked away." the spirit pleaded. He only wanted to help. He felt everyone's pain, and he just wanted to take it away.
"You cannot heal this, Cole. Let her carry her anger in peace." he said, slamming his hand on the table. It was too much to bear.
"Perhaps Cole can get a better answer from you than I did." her voice said from the doorway to the rotunda. He froze. How long had she been there? Her eyes, her beautiful eyes, were red-rimmed and cold. She was angry now, not sad. He felt a spike of fear. What if she wouldn't let him stay? What if she wouldn't let him help her? Cole was nodding enthusiastically.
"He hurts, an old pain from before, when everything sang the same. You're real and it means everyone could be real. It changes everything, but it can't. They sleep, masked in a mirror, hiding, hurting, and to wake them..." Cole gasped. "Where did it go?"
"I apologize, Cole. That is not a pain you can heal." he said, voice rough. The tension in the room was thick. Cole didn't understand what was going on, the Inquisitor was seething, and Solas was broken. He was also afraid of what she would do now.
She stared at him, wondering why he seemed afraid. She was still upset, still heartbroken, but mostly, she was angry. On her journey back with Dorian, and in the days that followed, her friend had made her realize that she deserved an explanation. She didn't deserve to be left in the dark about why someone who was so important to her, someone she loved, was suddenly not going to be in her life anymore. It had taken her a few days to build up the courage, but finally she had stormed to the rotunda to confront him. She knew that if she hadn't, she would spend her entire mission in Orlais worrying about it.
"Cole, you should go." she said quietly.
"Your heart, it is angry, like a wildfire. It does not matter what burns as long as it leads you to the truth." the boy said. She arched an eyebrow at him.
"Cole. I need to do this on my own, please." she requested. The boy looked fearfully at both of them before scurrying away.
"Inquisitor, if you need assistance with Corypheus, I am willing to help. However, I don't think there is anything else here for you." Solas said, adding fuel to the fire that raged within her.
"You don't get out of this that easily." she said, pointing a finger at him. He nodded solemnly. It was like he was another person. Not the one she had fallen in love with. Not the one who had loved her.
"I understand your anger. I am furious with myself as well. But, for now, we must focus on what matters. Harden your heart to a cutting edge, and put that pain to good use against Corypheus." he suggested. She paused. That is what she had done when she lost Mahanon. She had hardened herself so much, made such a cutting edge, that she drove everyone away. Hardening herself had caused her to be alone. She wouldn't do that again. Being alone was worse than being in pain. She knew that now.
"It would help me if you could explain why." she admitted. Solas huffed.
"The answers would only lead to more questions. An emotional entanglement that would benefit neither of us. The blame is mine, not yours. It was irresponsible and selfish of me. Let that be enough." he argued. She groaned.
"I don't know why I even tried to talk with you." she lied in exasperation.
"Because you were hurt! Because I made a selfish mistake. Because you deserve better. Pick any reason. Let me know if I can be of any more help." he said truthfully. She stared at him for a long time, letting the silence be her goodbye. Did he mean what he said? Did he really blame himself? She sighed and left the rotunda. It wasn't a place she would be visiting in the future. One thing was certainly true: She deserved better. That knowledge helped lighten her mood.
Ellana made her way to the courtyard, where the others waited for her. Josephine rushed about in a flurry of preparation, ordering workers around as she tried to get everything ready to leave for Orlais. She saw Cullen speaking with Leliana. He looked at her for a long time before nodding respectfully. She nodded back, and smiled at him. His answering smile made her feel a bit better about everything that had happened. Iron Bull and Dorian chatted amicably beside one of the carriages, with Dorian saying something that caused Bull to loudly guffaw, scaring a nearby washerwoman. She was glad that Dorian and Bull were making each other happy. She walked around the carriage and almost ran right into Varric.
She had not seen much of the dwarf since the events at Adamant. For the most part he had not wanted to speak to anyone, preferring instead to write letters to the various people Hawke had cared about. He had been driven into further seclusion when he received a scathing letter from Sebastian, Hawke's former lover, criticizing Varric for not protecting her. Ellana shook her head sadly. She still held the blame for that in her heart.
"Hey, Peaches." Varric greeted. She tilted her head, studying him.
"How are you?" she asked, not wanting to go into detail. He looked up at her with a sad smile.
"It's been shitty. I can't lie about that. But I also can't keep wallowing in it. Shutting myself away isn't going to bring her back. And she would probably start haunting me if I stayed in my rooms any longer. She was a pain in the ass that way." he joked. She smiled at him, and he returned it. She was glad to see a genuine smile on his face. The smile faded and he became serious. "How are you? I heard about what happened with Chuckles." he asked. She glanced in the direction of the rotunda with a sigh.
"You know, Varric, I think I'll be all right." she admitted. He grinned at her.
"Good. I wasn't really in the mood to yell at Chuckles for being an idiot today." he said in mock relief. She laughed.
"It's good to have you back, Varric." she said.
"It's good to be back, Peaches." he agreed. She smiled as she went to mount her horse. She was starting to think things might end up all right.