Chapter 25

Balancing the Scales

"How are you feeling?" Dr. Chandler asked with a smile as they entered her office.

"Huge," Calleigh replied with a chuckle as she slowly lowered herself down onto the couch. The heaviness of her stomach was the first thing Calleigh noticed about herself whenever she walked or looked at herself in the mirror. When she walked into a place with the intent on talking to someone, the individual would look at her belly first before looking at her face, always making her feel the slightest bit self-conscious.

"How far along are you now?" she kindly asked, taking a seat in her computer chair and pulling out her clipboard.

"Twenty-five weeks," Calleigh replied, her hand smoothing over the side of her belly, where the baby was constantly kicking her side. "Less than halfway there."

"Have you guys decided on any names yet?" she asked, keeping things friendly before easing into the session.

Calleigh grinned at herself a little and nodded. After a few playful debates, followed by several moments of serious thought, they finally settled on what they felt was the perfect name for their daughter. "Brooke."

"That's a pretty name," the therapist commented with a smile as she picked up her clipboard. "Getting excited?"

"Um…" Calleigh hesitated, fiddling with the hem of her shirt. "I think more nervous-excited."

"Understandably so," she nodded. "So, how've things been the last few days few days? You know, has anything major come up or changed?"

"No," she said, truthfully. "Everything has been pretty routine."

"Why don't you tell me about that routine?" Dr. Chandler requested, a curious spark in her eye.

"Well, um, basically, I get up, eat and then get ready for work. I'm there most of the day and by the time I get home, I'll relax and go to bed. There's not really a whole lot of extra time with my job," she sighed.

"But it's a more structured way of living than it was a few months ago when you were first diagnosed as depressed?" she clarified.

"Yes," Calleigh nodded, almost sounding relieved. "Definitely."

The therapist noticed Calleigh's optimism as she admitted this and she jotted down on her notes how Calleigh seemed to notice there had been definite improvement in her life, an improvement she probably didn't even deem possible several months back, but it was one she was now fearlessly embracing.

"Now," the therapist continued. "We haven't gone into much detail about your dosage being decreased. How're you coping with that?"

"Pretty well, I think," Calleigh answered.

"Have you missed any work recently?"

"Only for appointments," she said, inwardly quite proud of herself for that fact.

Dr. Chandler jotted down another note on her paper that Calleigh could not see before pressing on to the next question. "Have there been any times you've felt unnecessarily upset or frustrated with any situations since the dosage has decreased?"

Calleigh smoothed out a crease in the fabric of her shirt as she absorbed the question. There had been instances in which she felt disheartened or angry and there wasn't a valid reason behind it. Had Dr. Chandler asked her that question a few months ago, pre-pregnancy, she knew it would have linked back to her depression, but things were different now; she was pregnant and that could affect her moods in the same way the lack of Zoloft could.

"Sometimes I do," she admitted. "But I get confused of whether it's due to of hormones or the depression."

Dr. Chandler nodded. "That is the dilemma with this situation, I'm afraid. How do you handle those moments?"

"I try to keep my mind off it, if I can. I'll go for a walk, I'll read something, or I'll take nap if I'm tired enough."

Dr. Chandler scribbled another note down. "Do you sleep a lot of the time?"

"Not a whole lot. I'll sleep a bit after work and I have been going to bed a bit earlier," Calleigh said, resting her hand beneath her belly.

"But you're sleeping because you're going to bed because of being tired from pregnancy, right?"

"Most of the time, but sometimes I just get stressed and need to be alone, so I go to bed," Calleigh admitted, reluctantly, not exactly proud of the fact now that she said it out loud. "That's a bad thing to say for this situation, isn't it?"

Dr. Chandler hesitated. "Well, it's normal for people to sometimes want alone time and want to go in their room and take a moment to collect their thoughts."

"But?"

"But," she continued. "As I said, this is the dilemma of your situation. We can't be sure if this is a reaction to your decrease in medication for your depression or if you're pregnancy hormones make you want to be alone or you may just be under typical stress. We can't determine it and so we can't necessarily say if this is a problem or not."

Calleigh's heart sank and uncertainty swarmed her, now having more questions and confusion than she had when the session began.

"How often do you get that stressed that you want to shut the world out?"

"Um…" Calleigh thought. "Not very often, maybe once every few weeks."

"Is there normally a reason behind it?"

"Normally because I've been thinking about the risks of this pregnancy or maybe something that happen at work," she said.

Dr. Chandler nodded with compassion as she wrote that down; being a CSI couldn't have been an easy career, especially to a woman that was under stress in her personal life. However, it was good to see Calleigh admitting where the stress came from so freely to her; at least she wasn't harboring any emotions that could be having adverse effect to her progress.

"After you sleep for a moment, do you feel better afterwards?" Dr. Chandler asked.

"Yeah, most of the time. But if I don't, Eric usually tries to cheer me up," Calleigh said, laughing a little bit at the mention of Eric.

"How does he cheer you up?" Dr. Chandler questioned with a friendly smile.

"He'll just do simple things. We'll go for a drive or he'll try to make me laugh, and normally I'd feel a lot better after that," she admitted.

"It's always good to have someone like that," Dr. Chandler nodded in approval. "You're very lucky."

"Yeah," Calleigh said, mostly to herself, as her eyes rested on her belly. Her mind drifted back to the previous week when Eric managed to notice her dreariness and had made it his mission to change it.

The day had been too long, too many murders and not enough evidence. Her back and feet were aching mightily and the atmosphere was dark, dull and lousy, matching perfectly with the rest of her day. She lied there in her bed, tired but unable to achieve sleep; thus she stay within the dark room within the warmth of her sheets and waited for yet another day to start.

The bedroom door opened, the light from the hall seeped in and illuminated a portion of their room. Eric stepped in and took a seat on his side of the bed, switching on the nearby lamp.

"Hey, you," Eric whispered, wrapping his arm around her slightly enlarged middle as he leaned over to softly kiss her cheek. "Are you okay?"

"Great," she mumbled, not looking in his direction; Eric didn't believe her.

"What's on your mind?" he asked.

"Nothing, I'm fine," she insisted, this time attempting to sound a tad more convincing but Eric continued to see through it.

Eric had been become relatively used to the highs and lows and was trying his best to take them as they came. She was allowing him to hold her; that was a good sign and perhaps he would be able to shift her sadness into a more optimistic mood.

"Do you remember the Christmas I asked you to marry me?" he asked, snuggling closer to her.

Calleigh's lips tugged into a small smile at the memory of Christmas so long ago. She woke up to Eric not being by her side, but rather a note on his pillow that told her to go into the kitchen. She had been a mixture of amusement and confused as she entered the kitchen to see a small wrapped gift on the table, the words "open me" scribbled on a note beside it. Calleigh removed the wrapping paper to reveal a box of bullets, which gave Calleigh immense joy to see, and another note that asked her to go to the tree.

The game continued with a series of notes, all which tagged along with a small gift. By the time Calleigh reached the rose in the foyer, she had already acquired the bullets, some chocolate, a pair of earrings and a book she had wanted to read but could never find a copy of. The final clue directed her outside and when Calleigh stepped onto the back patio, Eric stood there with a satisfied grin on his face and pulled out the ring before Calleigh could get a word out.

The memory still brought a wide smile to Calleigh's lips. "Yeah, I remember," she recalled. "I must admit that it was very romantic."

"That's me," Eric smirked. "I'm a sucker for love."

Calleigh couldn't resist laughing at the romantic, slightly cheesy line from the man who was usually too masculine to deliver such a sentence.

"A sucker for love, huh?"

"Mm-hmm," he mumbled, softly nuzzling he, which only made her giggle a bit more.

It had been a few actions that were so simple, but they were enough to turn her from being in a heap of confusion and somberness back to the lighter hearted person she could be, something she would be eternally grateful to Eric for.

"Well, you have my cell number, right?" the voice of Dr. Chandler bringing her back to Earth; Calleigh nodded in response. "Next time you feel this stress building up and you want to escape to your room, please call me, just so I can get a better insight to your thoughts and feelings during that time, okay?"

Calleigh agreed, however secretly hoped there wouldn't be a reason for her to call Dr. Chandler.

"But, speaking of Eric, how are things going with you two?"

"Great," Calleigh immediately answered. "He's still being incredibly supportive and we're still getting through everything."

"How about as far as sex is concerned?" she asked. "I remember last week you said that you were tempted to try having sex again. Did you?"

Calleigh had grown comfortable talking to Dr. Chandler about many subjects, her depression, her fears and even her childhood to an extent, but she still felt herself blush a little bit every time the topic of sex came up; there were some subjects that seemed too personal, even embarrassing, to discuss, even if it was a necessary part of therapy.

"No," Calleigh admitted.

"Why not?"

"I guess I'm probably just worried about having a repeat of last time and…I really don't want to handle that aspect of it right now," she sighed. As far as Calleigh was concerned, there was a bulk of situations she couldn't control, a variety of stressors that affected her without her say; if there was a form of stress or pain she had the choice of avoiding, she would certainly take it, despite the wants of her greedy hormones.

"That's understandable," she nodded. "Would you mind bringing him in next time so I can get his insight about everything?"

"Not a problem," Calleigh assured her, making a metal note to bring the subject with Eric later.

"How'd it go?" Eric asked, turning down the TV when his wife walked through the door.

"Good, you know, same old, same old," she shrugged about to take a seat on the couch, however Eric put his legs in front of him, creating a space wide enough for Calleigh to sit. He gently pulled her to sit with him, allowing her to relax into his chest. "We just discussed my meds, the baby and we even talked about you a bit."

Calleigh had started to feel more comfortable talking to Eric about what she would discuss her therapist, always by her own will; Eric had never pressured her to reveal the words said within the office.

"Me?" he repeated, a little confused.

"Yeah, and how you make me feel better or make me laugh whenever I'm feeling down," Calleigh said with a grin.

"Speedle once suggested I pursue a career in comedy," Eric smirked, jokingly.

Calleigh shook her head. "Watch it, Delko," she teasingly warned. "Or your head is going to start not fitting through the door."

Eric chuckled at the dig as he held her just a little bit tighter. "Seriously, though, I'm glad I can make you feel better."

"You always do. You always have made me happy."

Eric's heart was touched and warmed by the words, for he had had a secret fear that maybe sometimes he wasn't doing enough for Calleigh to help her cope with the never ending changes in their lives, but her words put him at ease .

"How are you two feeling?" Eric asked, his palm caressing her rounded abdomen.

"Good," she grinned, her hand sliding over to rest atop his. "But she keeps bouncing around, so I probably get much sleep tonight."

Eric gave a sympathetic laugh and began to feel the light shuffling of the baby beneath his hand, causing his heart to flutter. "You'll let your momma get some sleep, won't you baby girl?" Eric smiled.

Calleigh happily chuckled a little at his pure devotion to their child. Over the last several months, he seemed unable to keep his hands, his lips or his eyes off of Calleigh and her ever-growing belly. The fact was clear to Calleigh that Eric's excitement was constantly escalating and everyone they knew was realizing this to. The other day Calleigh had entered the break room to find Natalia on her laptop as she ate lunch. She appeared to be on her Facebook page, something Calleigh and Eric had each created, however had been dormant for several months…well, so she thought.

"I like this picture of you two that Eric posted," Natalia commented to Calleigh.

"What picture?" she had asked curiously, coming to look over Natalia's shoulder. In the center of the screen was a picture that had been taken at Carmen's during a family dinner just a few days prior to that day. They had been standing in the kitchen, Eric had his arms wrapped around Calleigh from behind with his hands gently pressed to her belly with his chin resting on Calleigh's shoulder while her fingers intertwined with his; they were both smiling in the direction of the camera, not a trace of fear visible on their faces. A caption had been inserted at the bottom of the photo in white letters, reading "It's a girl." The pure excitement in Eric's eyes alone was enough to make Calleigh happily laugh along with Natalia at the sight of the picture.

He now continued to softly rub her belly as she adjusted her head against his chest. "By the way, would you mind coming in for the next appointment?" Calleigh asked, remembering the promise she had made to Dr. Chandler. "She just wants your view on how things have been and stuff like that."

"Sure, I'll go," he nodded. "Absolutely."

Calleigh smiled gratefully before closing her eyes and wrapping her arms around his torso, letting out a soft sigh. Eric began to stroke her hair, she had been up and on her feet since early that morning and it was clearly all beginning to catch up with her pregnant self.

"Tired?" he asked.

"Only a little," Calleigh sighed.

Eric put his lips to her ear. "You've been working too hard."

"I have not," she protested. .

"Have so," he teased, gesturing to the increasing heaviness belly.

"Are you implying that I'm fat?" Calleigh demanded, playfully narrowing her eyes.

"No," Eric promised. "You're beautiful."

Calleigh laughed, approvingly. "Good save."

"I mean it," Eric smiled, truthfully. "I love you." He punctuated the statement with a kiss on her forehead, then he whispered in the direction of their baby, "And I love you, Brooke."

Calleigh smiled and cuddled closer to her husband. "We love you back."

"How do you know that she does?" Eric questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"Easy," she stated, taking his hand and sliding it to the peak of her stomach where a series of light kicks were occurring. "Maternal intuition," she sighed, unable to stifle a yawn in the process.

Eric chuckled and pulled the blanket off the back of the couch, draping it over his wife. "Comfortable?" he asked as she closed her eyes.

"Mm-hmm," she mumbled contently as her eyes began to close.

Eric held her in his arms and felt her body relax into his own as her breathing became deeper and she disappeared into her subconscious.