Chapter 25

Connie hadn't left her bedroom for 3 whole days, other than to occasionally get food from the kitchen. She hadn't showered and she hadn't been eating as much or as often as she should have been, which she knew could also be causing harm to her baby, and not just herself. Connie knew that she had to stop feeling sorry for herself and that she had to do something that day, even if she didn't manage to go to work.

Connie switched her phone on, after having it off for the night, and waited for it to start up whilst she went to the toilet.

When Connie came back she saw missed messages from various people at work, which she decided she would read or delete later on, as well as a calendar event for that day.

Social worker visit – 11:30am

Connie was surprised she had forgotten, since she usually has the dates and times of all her appointments burned into her mind.

She looked at the alarm clock on her bedside table.

10:00

Connie had less than an hour and a half to get herself sorted, although she wasn't sure it was even possible when there was so much to do.

The first thing Connie knew she needed to do was to shower so that she didn't smell bad for the social worker, who would be quick to judge her if she thought that she wasn't taking care of herself properly. Connie went back into the bathroom and turned the shower on before returning to the bedroom. She opened the windows in the bedroom wide, despite the cold weather outside, and then did the same for the windows downstairs – she needed to get fresh air in the house to get rid of the horrible smell of bad hygiene and cleanliness.

After Connie's shower she sprayed air freshener and get dressed, before closing the windows again because the house was beginning to get too cold now. Shrugging on her black hoodie with a fleece lining she went downstairs to tidy up, knowing that the social worker was unlikely to come upstairs this time.

By 11 o'clock the living room, dining room, and kitchen were as tidy as they were going to get, although it was still obvious that Connie hadn't cleaned properly. Realising that she hadn't eaten yet, Connie made herself a bowl of cereal and sat down to eat.

After washing up the bowl, spoon, and mug from breakfast Connie heard the doorbell ring. It was only 20 past 11.

Smoothing down the invisible creases in her top Connie went to the door and let the social worker in.

"Hello Connie, sorry I'm a little early." Lorraine followed Connie through to the living room and sat down on the 3-seater sofa that sat against one of the walls.

"No, it's alright. Do you want a cup of coffee?" Connie put on a fake smile and pretended as best as she could that there wasn't a foul, but faint, smell drifting around the house. "I don't have any sugar in at the moment; I need to do some shopping this afternoon."

"You don't have work this afternoon?" Lorraine's eyebrow raised in question, almost accusing Connie.

"Umm…well…yes…well, no." Connie stuttered and took a deep breath in, trying to calm herself down. "I…I've had…cramps…so I'm taking today off to talk to rest and…shop."

Hurriedly Connie went through to the kitchen to make 2 cups of coffee, noticing the raised eyebrow of the social worker sat in her living room.

"Are they bad? Or have you gotten them checked out?" Lorraine called from the living room as Connie returned with two steaming cups of coffee.

"Well, I had similar ones with Grace, and they were nothing. It's just the baby growing." Connie knew she hadn't seen her midwife recently, and she was also aware that social services may also know this, but she hopes that they were staying out of her business just enough to be avoiding conversations with her midwife.

"Right, well if they do continue then we do expect you to talk to your midwife." Lorraine sipped at her bitter coffee – it had been made with too much water.

"Yes, of course. I just have a lot to do with the baby and work, and shopping, that extra appointments that aren't necessary seem like they'll just waste time." Connie was unsure that she was even saying the right thing, even though she had always said the right thing before she got pregnant, she wasn't sure whether or not that was the case anymore.

"Right. And when did you last meet with your midwife?" Lorraine questioned, placing her coffee on the table for a minute.

"Well, it was when I found out the gender at 20 weeks." Connie had also made her own coffee with too much water, a habit she found herself falling into more and more over the past few days.

"Right, and that was 2 weeks ago. Okay." Lorraine returned to drinking her weak coffee and made a couple more notes. "Then there are still a couple of things to discuss."

"Okay." Connie was nervous about what the social worker would say, although she was sure that it couldn't be worse than snatching her baby away from her.

"Firstly, as you may or may not be aware, you are allowed to appeal against the court order. This would give you a chance to prove that you'll be able to be a responsible parent." Lorraine placed her empty mug on the coffee table in front of her. "But I must warn you that these appeals are most often not successful."

"So, I could have custody of my son?" Connie's mind desperately whirred and buzzed, thinking that she hadn't lost all hope just yet.

"Well…yes, hypothetically. But it has less than 50% chance of being successful." The warnings that Lorraine gave were ignored. "You'd need a solicitor."

"Right, thank you." A mumble came from Connie's mouth that made her sound much weaker than she really felt. "I think you already know that I'm going to try it."

"Yes. The other thing we need to discuss is how this week has been." Lorraine knew from the badly masked smell and from Connie's appearance that she wasn't as fine as she was trying to appear.

"It's been fine." Connie shot back her answer the moment Lorraine had finished speaking, almost cutting her off.

"Connie. You need to be honest with me. I can tell that you've tidied quickly and that the house hasn't otherwise been tidied in a little while. I can also tell that you're not your usual self. Speak to me. You have to look after yourself if you want to get your baby back."

"I…umm…I…I'm struggling." This confession felt like Connie was confessing to murder and, as a tear slipped down her cheek, she felt completely helpless. She knew that the way she was acting would not help her with her son, but the logical part of her mind had been taken over and replaced by a part of her mind that was slowly giving up.

"I know. And I know that admitting it isn't easy. We'll get you talking to a psychiatrist again, and we'll give you some extra support." Lorraine took notes again, which seemed to be all she ever did other than bring people bad news.

"What type of extra support?" a frown quickly grew on Connie's face as she wished that she could go back to her self-loathing in bed for a couple more days.

"I can get you a support worker. They'll do some home visits with you, every one to two weeks and make sure that you're doing okay and that you're not struggling. They can support you mentally." The idea of a support worker made Connie want to go back to bed even more, since she used to believe that her house was her private space, but since Lorraine seemed to show up all of the time, and there would now be extra visits from someone else she didn't know, it quickly seemed as though Connie's privacy was being invaded.

"If you think it will help." Sighing deeply Connie reluctantly agreed to let a support worker also become attached to her case.

Lorraine had finally left and Connie had eaten lunch before she decided to go out shopping. Connie needed food, toiletries, and more baby items so she decided to go about 10 miles into the center of Holby and do a large shop around the various shops to buy everything that she was looking for.

With a 22 week bump Connie was finding it increasingly difficult to move around, especially around many different shops, but she knew that she had to go shopping and that she would be way too tired to shop in the city centre, or at all, once she was nearing the 30 mark in her pregnancy.

The first, and most important, shopping trip was the food.

It took 46 minutes for Connie to buy all of the food that she wanted and needed for the next 2 weeks, and she decided that she'd be able to order food online afterwards, at least until she'd had the baby. By the end of the shop Connie had bought necessary foods as well as a lot of treats for herself including; ice-cream, some cupcakes, and a bar of dark chocolate.

After all of the food shopping was in the boot of Connie's car she drove further into the center of the city to park in the multi-storey car park that she would keep the car in until she had bought everything else she needed.

Next Connie decided to buy toiletries from boots. The aisles in the shop were filled with coloured bottles constantly trying to grab the attention of naïve customers who would buy anything with a pretty label, but Connie knew what she wanted.

After buying the desired toiletry items for both her and the baby, Connie walked over to the till and payed for the items before heading into the bookshop next door.

Waterstones was the one bookshop in Holby that actually felt like a bookshop, since all the small independent ones had shut down and WHSmith felt more like a stationary shop, and Connie knew that she could spend forever browsing the aisles of the shop and she'd never be able to buy all of the books that she wanted.

Connie had returned to the car once again with the shopping from boots as well as the books she had bought in Waterstones. After filling a bag with toiletries and another 2 bags with the books, a bag of books for herself and another bag of children's books for the baby, she didn't want to carry them around with her for the rest of the afternoon.

Another 3 hours later and Connie had finally returned back to her home. The bags of shopping were all still in the boot of her car, and some had been put in the back seats as well as the passenger seat since there wasn't enough room, since she was too exhausted to bring them inside; she had spent 4 and a half hours in the city centre and she felt as though she could never bare to go shopping again for as long as she lived. There were easily more than 10 bags of grocery shopping, the two bags of books, the bag from boots, another 3 bags of baby clothes, 2 bags of clothes for herself, and another half-full bag of other random bits and pieces that Connie had managed to pick up whilst she was out, including a cheap pair of shoes that were going to be comfy and roomy for when her feet were really swollen due to the pregnancy.

Subconsciously Connie knew that everything she was buying for the baby may be used by someone else, but she was hoping that if she was prepared to keep her baby then she would be able to act like social services had never been involved and that she had never been questioned over her ability to care for and love her own child.

There was pasta and cheese sauce in the fridge, so Connie decided that all of the shopping could stay in her car until the following morning, when she would also be hoping to go into work for the first time in what felt to her like a lifetime.

Sorry it's been so long, but recently I've not been happy with anything that I've written. I am as happy with this as I am going to be, so I hope you enjoy it.

I aim to write more in the summer following my exams, and there's only 2 more weeks left of them, so hopefully I can move this story along a little bit.

I want your opinion – should I keep the story at a steady pace and use filler chapters, or should I try to move the story along quickly with some time skips between chapters. This would probably be until the end of the pregnancy.