Monday January 27th

Tris POV

I'm exhausted but I absolutely have to finish my orders tonight. With the food shortage we endure this winter, I need to be first in the order line, if I want to get fruits and vegetables next month. I don't care about that for myself, but I do for the kids of the home and school. I hope that Tobias will be able to sort this out soon with his staff. If I've got some time left, I will make research about the files I need. The ones Adam found until now are incomplete. I suppose Tobias won't notice. He is still angry and so am I, so none of us really speaks to each other, except when kids are around. I believe that Adam exactly knows what's going on though. I sometimes feel bad about it, but I don't know how to stop this anymore. Maybe I'm too stubborn.

I'm saving the last order form when the door suddenly opens, taking me out of my task. I immediately think it's probably Theo who had a bad dream, but when I look up, Tobias shapes up in the doorframe. I instinctively look at the door behind him, trying to know how to get out of the trap, but deep inside, I know I have no chance against him.

He says calmly "Don't even think about leaving Tris. We need to talk and you know it, so you're not going anywhere before we are finished with it." I find back this Four commanding tone he used when he was our instructor in dauntless. I don't even try a reply. Frankly, I want to let him go first, because I feel so uncomfortable, and maybe I was waiting for this moment as well as escaping it.

He goes on "Let's make it simple. All I want from you now, is the answer to these 2 simple questions 1-Why don't you trust the doctors with Natalie's transplant? and 2-What are you trying to do without telling me?…" I open my mouth to deny but he cuts "And don't deny about your secret project, I saw you working on it at night."

I'm weighing things, but I suppose this can't last longer so I take a deep breath and go "OK sit down. I don't trust the doctors with the transplant, because I don't trust doctors at all." I pause "I suppose I must explain to you why." I look down at my desk because I don't want to cry and start "I never really told you how it had been after I got shot by David. When I came back, you saw me standing and walking, but before that it has been hell. 12 months of hell. I experienced pain as never before, because when you're fighting, you know you can end it if you win. With that sort of pain, you never know if it's going to end. And all the doctors kept promising it would go better, that this new treatment would make wonders…"

I clench my fists. "And you have to stay silent, go into surgery time after time, and you still can't feed your baby or hold her in your arms. They promised I would run long before her, but they lied. I could barely walk when she did her first step. She ran long before me too. I have spent days, weeks and months, listening to their promises that I would heal the next week, but I was always disappointed. Hope is a poison that they give you much too often. In the end, I was a little grateful they had allowed me to find you back in sort of an acceptable state, but then when we discovered they had stolen Adam. That's why I can't trust them anymore. Now, I can't help thinking how Adam would feel if he does the transplant and it doesn't work, or if there are complications and she gets worse. I'm scared and I can't help it."

I stop here because this confession drained all my strength. I suppose I also secretly hope he won't ask the second question again.

He gets up from the chair and passes the desk. He turns my chair so I can face him, and crouches next to me. He says very gently this time "I didn't know, you never told me."

"I wanted to forget, I tried to move on."

"It's over now and things have changed. You helped things change."

"But I'm still afraid."

"Then why don't you trust me to help you with whatever you're doing?"

I suppose I'd better tell him before he catches Adam messing around with his passwords or computer, so I say quickly "I'm trying to find another donor in the Fort Sheridan files, and I asked Adam to help me. It's illegal so I didn't want you to be involved, just in case."

To my surprise, he just lifts his eyes at me and hugs me saying "Oh Tris." I realize I've been missing him badly and I let go.

He gets back a little, and I can see a sad gaze in his eyes. He cups my face in his hands and says softly "Tris, you have to stop torturing yourself. I believe things can change. You did believe it when you chose dauntless years ago. What is so different now?"

I feel lost. All I can answer is "I don't know. I feel like something bad is always about to come, and I get crazy in trying to avoid it."

"I just thought that maybe WE are the problem.

"What do you mean?"

"I think that the world around us has changed, but we didn't. We grew up yes, but I'm still a severe dauntless instructor who can't talk with his own son, and you're still looking for a cause to defend with your very life, trusting no one but yourself. And that's what we taught to our kids."

The truth of this suddenly strikes me, and I know he's right. I don't even trust him anymore. What happened to us? What happened to me? I feel terribly ashamed of myself and my eyes well up with tears. I ask "Do you think we can change it?"

He gets his balance back and responds "I think we can try, but I will tell you in the living room because I'll get a cramp if I stay like this a few minutes more."

It makes me smile a little and I agree. I turn off the computer, while he leaves to the living room. I can hear he's preparing drinks. Good idea.

Once we are both comfortably settled on the couch with a glass of wine -that means I'm cuddled in his arms for the first time in weeks- he says "I believe that first, each of us must work on his worst default: I have to communicate and give you time, and you have to trust me and others too. I suggest that tomorrow, each of us make a list of 5 ways to achieve the other's goal and then we will have to add 2 more ideas of our own. We will try to stick to it, and a have a weekly progress review."

"Wow, that sounds like training to me."

"I suppose it is. Got the method from Amar. I think the original plan says you have to practice one thing out of the seven each day."

I look at him and I'm stuck again by his beauty. I really feel bad for all I've put him through in the few months. "What is the reward for substantial achievement?" I ask with a malicious smile.

"Any ideas?" He responds, sneaking his hands under my shirt. When I feel his hands on my body I realize painfully how much I've been missing him. His soft skin, the muscles in his arms, his kisses on my neck... My whole body tells me we are one, no matter what my head says. Maybe I have to trust myself first. When our shirts fall on the floor, I lift up my head to check if the doors to the bedroom's corridor are closed, before I lose control.

I can feel the salty taste of our tears when I murmur in a kiss "I'm sorry". "I know." he answers when kissing me back.