Chapter 25: Song and Slumber

Cullen stood in a hallway, staring at a closed door. After surrendering Evelyn to a cot and Solas' healing magic, he found he couldn't bring himself to step away. She lost consciousness again before he carried her through the fort's gates. Marching past everyone with his head high and his face stoic was more difficult than anticipated, especially when he caught sight of his family, alive and well, thanks to Evelyn's sacrifice.

Though she was alive too, her actions were most certainly a sacrifice. She went her entire life keeping this secret, and yet for him she sacrificed the whole world she'd built, without even knowing how he would react. It would have been easy for her to think he might reject her. He had a history, a persona, despite his trying to change it. It should have been enough to condemn him.

Cullen wanted to hold her and hear her voice. He wanted to do everything he could to reassure her that no matter who he'd been, what he'd done, no matter what she thought, or what anyone else thought, he loved her.

He loved her.

The words repeated themselves over and over in his head. Like a spark to dry tinder, the very concept of loving her spread inside him. The reality of the emotion set him aflame. He loved her. He needed her and she needed him too but, staring at a closed door was not the best way for him to be helping. They were still at war and he was still her general. His men needed their orders and he had to assure the Inquisition secured the area properly. He would see his family safeguarded even if he'd yet to greet them.

After several failed attempts to move his feet from the floor and pull his eyes from where he knew Evelyn to be sleeping, he heard someone approach. Blackwall came up beside him.

"I'll watch over her Commander, so you can attend to your duties."

Cullen considered the Warden and his words. It appeared this was the first test of their companions' allegiance to Evelyn herself and not the Inquisition.

"You're still with her then?" It was difficult not to make the question sound like a threat. There were bound to be repercussions Cullen couldn't entirely shield her from.

"I'm still with her." It was a simple reply, sincere and loyal.

Cullen nodded. He would have to relinquish his sentry duty at some point. "Fine then. I'll return as soon as I'm able." As he was walking away, Blackwall made another simple statement.

"For what it's worth, Commander. We all have secrets. Some people keep them to protect themselves. I think she kept hers to protect others."

He could only hope their other friends and associates felt the same way. "It's worth a lot, Blackwall, and it's appreciated."

Cullen made his rounds and gave orders to his men with smooth efficiency. The Inquisition secure the area secured and steps were taken to aid the displaced villagers. He noticed as he worked that his soldiers avoided meeting his eyes. He let it pass, but he would need to actively address their issues before doubt and dissent spread through the ranks. Evelyn would need to be the one to guide the narrative about her status, but nevertheless, he and the rest of the Inquisition leadership needed to provide a united front.

As soon as he finished with the immediate duties of command, he went in search of his family. Despite everything the day had brought, it was only in that moment his heartbeat quickened with insecurity and his mind buzzed with fears and suppositions about their reunion. So many years lay stretched out between the boy they knew and the man he was now. Returning to them under these circumstances from his self-imposed exile was not what he would have wished for. The fact that he would have been too late if Evelyn hadn't done what she did made his racing heart pound harder.

He wandered through the fort, looking for his siblings, his steps getting more agitated and hurried the farther he went. Each corner he turned, he rehearsed another greeting, another apology, another excuse. Sweat started collecting at the back of his neck and he rubbed it away with trembling hands. He had to clench them into fists to stop the shaking.

When he decided to climb up to the battlements, he could hardly pretend it was to find his family. He just needed to stand in the cold wind to clear his head. These were the times he often sought out Evelyn...

Maker, he'd been so selfish. He'd done nothing but take from her what he needed, her time, her soothing presence, her touch, her lips. She silently bore the weight of her own burdens while he used her to alleviate his own. He grunted in frustration. Unable to see past all of the egocentric actions replaying in his head, he failed to see Sera blocking his path. He nearly ran into her.

The small elf wore a mean frown. Her hands were on her hips and she made no move to let him pass her. They stared at each other for a moment before the accusation came out.

"She's a mage." Sera's emphasis on the last word was clearly derogatory and Cullen suddenly worried how his support of Evelyn would affect his friendship with Sera.

"Yes. And?" He was deliberately terse.

Sera's frown deepened. "You alright with that?"

"I am." He said firmly, then added, "Are we alright?"

Sera paused. "We are. But little miss magey gets an arrow in the face, yeah, if she breaks your widdle Templar heart." She stepped out of his way, reached up to pat him once on the shoulder and then left.

Cullen continued to walk the battlements. He still felt nervous and unsettled, but his interactions with Blackwall and Sera were reassuring. It was good to have friends. The men and women he bonded with in the Order were his brothers and sisters. The relationships he was building within the Inquisition all had a much different dynamic.

Closing his eyes against a chilly breeze he thanked the Maker for all of the opportunities he'd been given. He had a command, friends, love and family. At least, he would have family again if he ever gathered enough courage to go back down and find them. He felt stable, grounded in a way he didn't think he'd experienced since before the Blight. More than anyone, Evelyn helped him get to where he was and he swore he would be her rock now as she faced what was to come.

When he opened his eyes he caught sight of another person stalking the ramparts ahead of him. It was Cassandra. He'd been hoping to put off this conversation. Whatever the Seeker's new opinion of Evelyn was, Cullen was certain it would be well-considered and sensible, which terrified him. There was a reason Cullen asked Cassandra to be the one to monitor his fitness for duty. If truly called upon to judge him, he trusted her to act in the best interests of their cause and not his own best interests. She would never cloud her decision with their friendship. He knew very well that his emotions were clouding his judgement regarding Evelyn's deception. What would he do if Cassandra rejected the real Evelyn?

The Seeker stopped, leaned against the outer wall and looked down onto the rain soaked field below. "I do not understand how she was able to hide her nature from me."

Cullen didn't know if she was speaking to him, herself or the Maker. He went to stand next to her. "You yourself said the magic of the Breach and the mark affected what you were able to sense. She was surrounded by Templars. No one suspected. But if anyone is to blame it should be me. I spent the most time with her. In the beginning I felt there was something odd about her, but I passed it off as the mark and then after we became close, I admit my feelings for her caused me to overlook what I might have otherwise questioned. In retrospect, there are many things that make sense now."

Cassandra snorted in derision. "Such as?"

Cullen knew Cassandra held none of the misgivings regarding mages he once had, so her displeasure was mostly aimed at herself for putting the Inquisition in this position. Evelyn's lies were now not only hers, but all of theirs. To answer her question, he searched his head for every stray puzzle piece he'd been unable to fit into the image of Evelyn as a simple nobleman's daughter committed to the Chantry.

"Do you recall when you first told me about how effective she was at fighting Templars? And that she was often overly deferential to them? It makes sense if her brother trained her specifically to combat one should she ever be discovered. After the avalanche at Haven, before you found us, she proved she'd also been trained in survival skills, the same skills taught to Templar hunters, so it's obvious he also showed her how to live on the run if it came to that."

Cullen started seething inside with anger as the next pieces of the Evelyn Trevelyan puzzle fell into place. "And she knew about my lyrium withdrawal. It's possible it was used to punish her brother for looking after her, or perhaps to coerce him into controlling her magic for her."

Bann Trevelyan had obvious influence over the Chantry, and thus the Order, if he could conceal the truth of his own child's magic. Unlike some parents, however, it was clear he hadn't done it to save her from life in a Circle. When he came to them in Haven it must have been to try and force Evelyn back into sequestration, lest her lie, and his, be discovered. Cullen didn't care to spare the effort of imagining what his motivations were for driving Evelyn into secret apostasy.

Like a landslide starting with a few loose pebbles, the reality of the life Evelyn had led crashed down on Cullen all at once. Every day for her was lived entirely on guard, every moment feeling the push of demon whispers. Wearing self imposed shackles, her actions regulated more strictly than any Circle mage, he doubted she ever thought she could have a life of her own. She was isolated even as she stood in plain sight. To never once falter, never slip, never stumble, to have locked down her magic so absolutely showed more discipline than Cullen had ever seen from any mage. Then, after her brother died and her father abandoned her, to have done it alone? It was incomprehensible.

Also incomprehensible was the realization that she must have been deliberately silenced to keep her from detection. She hadn't always had a glowing focus of magic in her hand to distract those astute enough to sense her powers even as they lay dormant. Cullen knew what it was to silence a mage and strip them of their essence. It was no kindness. She was certain to have suffered the sting of a Templar's touch more often than he cared to think about, and still she'd let him touch her.

The spiral of his thoughts kept descending. She'd been abused, her whole life, by the Chantry in the guise of her father and by Templars despite how her brother had tried to help her.

How could she love him, a Templar, who not so long ago wished her same fate on all mages? How could she love him so much as to give up her hiding and step willingly into a role she'd been taught was horrible enough to warrant her repeated mistreatment? He felt sick for her, for what she'd lived through and he felt unworthy.

He spoke with urgent anger now and righteous indignation. "She deserves our support, Cassandra. She could have left with her father back in Haven and the Breach would still be open. Instead she gave all of herself over to the Inquisition. I understand this complicates our politics but we still need her."

I still need her. We need each other.

Cassandra looked at him, into him, past his weak attempt at professional detachment. "Cullen," she said slowly, hesitating, "among the many things that worry me about this, I admit that I was most concerned about how you would react."

The Seeker tried several times to say more, but she stopped herself each time. He couldn't tell if her silence meant that she was trying to spare his feelings or if she truly wasn't sure of her own. Cassandra had always been forthright in expressing the respect she had for Evelyn and he hoped she still believed, as he did, that Andraste had a hand in sending the Herald to them no matter who or what she was or what her past transgressions were.

Cassandra finally settled on a statement of practicality. "What Lady Trevelyan's fate within the Inquisition will be is not my decision alone. I've already sent word to Leliana and Josephine detailing what has occurred and that they should expect us back at Skyhold to discuss the matter. We should leave as soon as everyone is recovered enough to travel."

She started walking away, fidgeting with her hands, then turned back to him and added, "Please tell her I'll speak with her after I've had a chance to consider things further."

"I will, Seeker. And thank you." His gratitude was sincere. He could ask for nothing more than Cassandra's promise to think on things carefully.

He was left alone on the battlements to watch the sun set. When the reds and oranges in the sky changed to greys and purples, he knew it was far past time to face his family.

He should have known Mia would find him first.

"We were waiting for you in the mess hall but I heard you were wandering around grumbling to yourself. Since that might have gone on all day, and clearly it has, I decided to come to you." A familiar voice, with a maturity that was lacking in Cullen's memory of it, scolded him from behind.

Before he could turn around or say her name, his sister surrounded him with a hug and squeezed so hard his armor creaked. All the air left his lungs and with it any lingering feelings of doubt.

"Welcome back to us, Brother." She breathed out the words and they were thick with relief. When she released him, she smiled, then she hit him on the side of his head with her open hand. "You're a stubborn arse."

Cullen couldn't help but grin back at her. "And you're a bully."

"Yes, well some things never change. I've spoken with your friend Sera. I like her. For a tiny elf she's got bigger bollocks than most of the men I've dated."

Cullen held his tongue and held in a laugh. Mia kept talking.

"She brought Bran and I up to speed about who attacked us and then she gave us the story behind you swooping in like a proper knight and saving that Inquisitor of yours. There were several references to swords and peaches that I'd rather not think on, but she got the point across."

Mia hooked their arms together and led them down from the battlements. Cullen was content to let her have control of the conversation. All he was able to focus on before she found him were the years that spanned between them, but with seemingly no effort at all she was able to bring him back to a time before that, when things were easier, and he was grateful.

"There's more we could talk about, but we'll have time, so we've no need to get it all in at once." His sister squeezed his arm reassuringly.

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'll be leaving as soon as our injured are ready to travel." He regretted the situation, but at least he'd been given the chance to see his family, however briefly.

Mia dismissed his apology with a wave of her hand. "Yes, I know. We'll be leaving with you. Bran and I have been loaning our bows to King Alistair's forces, but circumstances being what they are, we discussed it and we thought it best to join the Inquisition. I'm sure you can find something for us to do and after being run out of both Honnleath and South Reach, a giant fortress in the Frostbacks sounds like the safest place. To be honest, we never really considered this place home anyway." A faint melancholy laced Mia's words and Cullen wondered what stories she had from the years they'd been apart.

He didn't really think on how she'd basically given herself a job under his command, or how he and his whole family would now be residents under Skyhold's roof, he only thought to thank the Maker yet again, for time and second chances.

He was welcomed with warm embraces from his brother and younger sister and was introduced to his sister-in-law and nephew. The moons were shining brightly when his family retired and he checked on his men one last time before heading back to Evelyn's side, where he intended to stay until she woke.

On the way, he was intercepted again by Vivienne. She looked at least mostly recovered from the battle. Cullen almost thought he should defend himself after his actions against her, but she must have notice his muscles tense because she held up her hand.

"There's no need to speak of what happened earlier, Commander. We both had our reasons and both were valid. I do, however, wish to tell you a story."

Cullen got the impression that her wishes were not to be dismissed even if he was in a hurry to return to Evelyn. Vivienne led him to an alcove where they sat and she started her tale.

"When I came into my magic, my family did not want to send me to the Circle. I was old enough to know it needed hidden and the consequences of getting caught. We moved from place to place and they tried to provide me with whatever resources they could to help me learn to control my abilities. I felt very loved and they did their best to protect me, but they were not mages."

Her eyes got far away. Cullen thought he saw a soft glow of warmth behind the Iron Lady's ice. He remained silent and let her continue.

"They could never know what it was like, the struggle, day after day, night after night. Even as a Templar, you can have no idea the strain it causes for a mage to suppress their magic. It's like denying yourself breath. The more you reject who you are, the more you bury it down, the greater the temptation becomes and the demons get louder."

Cullen had already presumed all of this but to hear the truth of it spoken aloud, by one who knew, was agonizing. He ached to erase Evelyn's past suffering, even more than he wanted to erase his own.

Vivienne paused and took several even breaths. Whatever tender emotion slipped through her defenses was quickly gathered back and her mask was firmly in place again.

"I woke up one night and left my home. I surrendered myself to the first Templar I saw and I never looked back, not that I would have been able to. It was the best decision I ever made. It was the only one I could have made and I am no weakling, Commander."

The words were spoken with an edge that made Cullen shiver and he almost thought he felt the temperature around them drop.

"My point is that while some may think less of her for what she's done, I can assure you the Inquisitor has accomplished what no other mage I've known could ever do, including myself. Normal apostates simply practice their magic when and where they won't be caught but to abstain entirely? Well, if I did not believe in Andraste before this, I would absolutely now believe that Andraste has had a hand in Lady Trevelyan's past, present and future."

Vivienne rose but before she left, she made her intentions clear. "The Inquisitor doesn't need our protection, Commander, but she's earned it. I will continue to follow her and I will assure the rest of the mages do as well. I have faith you will convince the Templars to do the same."

Cullen thought that sounded less like a vote of confidence in him than it did an outright order. It would be an order he would try his best to follow.

After he and Vivienne parted, he finally made his way to where Blackwall still stood guard outside Evelyn's door.

The Warden nodded at him. "Solas is in there now checking on her, but she hasn't woken up yet." Cullen thanked Blackwall as he left and a few minutes later, Solas emerged from the room.

"Ah, Commander. Lady Trevelyan is still asleep, but she is recovering well. The mark is stable and her magic seems not to have affected it adversely."

There was something about the way Solas looked in that moment, or something about his remark or the way he sounded because Cullen, strangely, recalled a conversation he'd had with Cassandra. She mentioned that Solas counseled Evelyn regarding her dreams after Redcliffe. The unexpected conclusion that Cullen suddenly drew was indirect at best, but he felt absolutely sure of it.

"You knew." He hissed.

"I did." Solas didn't even blink and his expression didn't change. "Someone had to show her how to use your sword."

It took all of Cullen's substantial and formidable discipline not to punch the damn smug elf in the face. As he silently fought his desire to respond violently, Solas took the opportunity to keep talking.

"You should know that the spirit blade she forms around your sword hilt is the only part of her magic she's completely comfortable with. In training her to use her abilities, I had to battle a great number of her self-imposed restrictions so, I should thank you for giving me something to work with. I wasn't entirely sure it would be possible with the enchantments on it but she was very motivated."

Cullen managed a few strained and dangerously quiet words. "You trained her to use her magic?"

"One of many questions you should be asking her. Speak with Lady Trevelyan when she awakens, Commander. I'm sure the two of you will have much to say to one another." Before Cullen could speak again, Solas took his smirk and his smugness and he left.

Cullen considered dragging him back to question him further, but he decided it was better to leave it as it was until Evelyn woke. To Cullen, Evelyn's lies about her magic did not mean she was fundamentally untrustworthy. The fact that Solas had kept this from them, however, made Cullen forge a deep feeling of mistrust for the elf. He was too detached from the real word. He dissociated himself from every faction whose interests should align with his own. Cullen had long believed that men with no allegiances were only allied with themselves, which meant everyone else was disposable. It was troubling that Evelyn felt she could only turn to Solas. He found it difficult to believe the aloof 'apostate' had Evelyn's best interest in mind and he was certain the interests of the Inquisition were not what motivated Solas. The elf's involvement in her life was one of many things he would ask Evelyn about when she was recovered.

As he quietly opened the door to her room, he started itemizing in his head the things he would need to discuss with Cassandra including Vivienne's opinions and Solas' questionable actions. The light of a single candle in one corner cast shadows about the bed. When his eyes adjusted to the dimness and he was able to focus on Evelyn's sleeping form, all of his duties, his responsibilities, his lists and his intentions dissolved away and he was left with an ache in his chest. It was a beautiful terrible longing, a need to silence everything in the world outside the sphere of their bodies. He wanted to hold her, protect her, love her.

He moved to a chair at the bedside and sat watching the rise and fall of her chest. She'd been helped out of her armor and was covered only by a thin blanket and the many bandages and dressings that spoke to her earlier tenacity in battle. Her marked hand lay at her side and he reached for it, holding it tightly in his own. Closing his eyes and quieting his thoughts, he focused on her. For the first time, using senses dulled by months without lyrium, he felt her. The magic inside her thrummed along with the pulse of her heartbeat. He welcomed the feeling of it into his hand, allowing it and coaxing it forward to travel through him. There was a soothing strength to her magic, like gently lapping waves atop the sea concealing powerful currents beneath.

He let himself be lulled and rocked by the motion of those currents. None of the old fear of magic existed for him as he learned Evelyn for what she was through simply holding her hand. He felt neither disquiet nor discomfort at her touch. He felt free. Alive.

Both contentment and excitement started to bloom inside of him and he wanted more, more of Evelyn and her magic and more of this. He swore on everything he held dear that when she woke he would be for her what she was to him, a Herald, calling her out from her long repose and into a new life. He clasped her hand in both of his now and whispered the Chant to her as she slept.

"I have heard the sound. A song in the stillness, the echo of Your voice, calling creation to wake from its slumber."

A/N: So, I'm not even going to pretend there isn't going to be sex next chapter. My patience with the slow burn has come to an end, as has Cullen's. So Cully Wully gets sex for the Holidays. Thanks so much for reading, it makes me so happy to know people enjoy the story! More to...*ahem*...come...