Chapter 24

"James…"

"Sir …"

Charles sprang to his feet at the unexpectedly curt tone of Beck's voice, had for a second or two almost found himself standing to attention, it wouldn't have taken a genius to know that seven shades of shit were about to hit the fan. He had no idea what it was about, but the clipped use of his surname and the unsmiling expression on his face told Charles that whatever it was making the Major far from happy, it was obviously something to do with him.

Beck moved away from the table slightly and jerked his head telling Charles to follow "Do you have something you want to tell me?"

"Sorry Sir… but …um … about what?" Charles swallowed hard and added another Sir for good measure, or at least on the principle that it couldn't hurt. He was wrong.

"That's what I'm waiting for you to tell me …." There was still no hint of a smile on his face "Perhaps you could start with what happened to the bot where you insisted that there was no problem, that you were going to handle it?"

Fuck. The sinking feeling in his guts was telling him he knew only too well what it was about and that Beck wasn't the only one who didn't like it, he didn't like being caught on the hop like this either. He could remember furiously insisting that he couldn't see any need for him to see anyone, least of all a fucking counsellor, and was totally unprepared for his own words to come back and bite him on the backside.

"I am handling it … Sir"

"Not from what I've been told … and 'Sir- ing' me to fuck won't make it go away … my office first thing …"

Charles watched him march away, his poker up his arse stance showing the indignation that he felt, it would be obvious to anyone who was watching that the Major was deeply pissed off. Somehow he seemed to have got wind of what was on the cards and there was only one possible source for that. Bloody Daniel. Charles had no idea why he'd believed their conversations were confidential, because try as he might he now couldn't actually pinpoint when that had been spelt out. But it was what he'd understood. Wrongly as it turned out. It had always been obvious that Beck and Daniel had been in touch prior to the sessions, and to be fair it was only a couple of weeks since Charles himself had thought about trying to get Daniel on side to help him influence Beck, but he couldn't help feeling angry and betrayed. And left trawling unhappily through his memory bank looking to see exactly what else he might have said.

But at least he could stop trying to look as though he wouldn't, as Elvis used to say, give his right bollock to get out of there, that he wasn't bored shitless by the whole interminable evening. He no longer gave a rat's arse about stepping over the boundaries of protocol or tradition or some other written or unwritten bloody rule, as far as was concerned he was done, the evening was over.

If it wasn't that he knew she was almost certainly be catching up on her sleep he'd just piss off back to his quarters and ring her, to listen to her voice and the sound of her giggle when he flirted with her all of which would hopefully quell all the little doubts about whether or not he'd made the right decision in committing to her and that house. Although with her track record it was by no means certain he'd be disturbing her if he did ring, it was highly debatable whether her phone would even be on. Somehow everything that had happened, the aftermath of Elvis' death and PTSD seemed to have robbed him of any inclination he would once have had to join in with the drunken antics of his colleagues, although, despite his self-imposed limit, he was sorely tempted to have another drink before he left. A touch of alcohol induced sedation might not be such a bad thing, not if it meant he could sleep without lying wakeful in the small hours running it over in his head. He had no idea what the fuck he was going to say to Beck.

"Sorry we can't take your call at the moment, please leave a message after the tone ….."

Fuck. His frustration and irritation were beginning to get the better of him, even though he knew it was totally irrational, it was after all only what he'd been expecting before his mood had plummeted. What had arguably been one of the best days he'd had for a very long time had gone totally shit-shaped so that all the optimism he'd been beginning to feel had begun to seem totally misplaced somehow, buried in the black mood that had descended. He knew he was fuelling his anger by planning what to say to Daniel, but had every intention of demanding some sort of explanation as to what his particular brand of you can tell me anything actually meant. It sure as hell didn't mean he could be trusted to keep things to himself, but first he needed to deal with the annoying little voice in his head that kept asking what the fuck he'd thought he'd been doing letting his guard down far enough for it to matter. He didn't know who to be more fucking furious with, Daniel for shooting his great big mouth off or himself for being so stupid. It had taken him a very long time to get around to trusting Daniel, and now it seemed his first instincts had been spot on.

-OG-

"What's up … what's matter?"

"Good morning …"

"Oh yeah, sorry …mornin' … what's wrong? You called me loads last night … but … me phone was off … sorry"

"As usual … have you ever considered that the whole point of having a mobile phone is so that people can get hold of you …..?" He took a deep breath, aware that he was in danger of allowing his frustrated irritation to get the upper hand again and that if he didn't get a hold on himself what was probably going to be a difficult day was going to start with a row. And none of it was her fault.

"No matter .. it really doesn't matter now …. I just wanted to talk to you … but I can't talk now … I've been summoned to see the boss …"

"Shit …. why… what you done?"

"Not really sure ….. but I'm sure it's nothing for you to worry about ….."

"Okay … fine …" There was a silence when all he could hear was her breathing "Alright don't tell me then … I wish you'd stop bloody treating me like I'm some sort of wimp"

"I wouldn't dare … and anyway the only thing that's wimpy about you are your biceps … and a bit of exercise will soon sort them out…"

"Cheeky sod … fuck off"

"Lovely … now I know I'm talking to my Molly…" She heard him laugh softly.

"Your Molly? Well, yeah I s'pose I am really …"She sounded as though the idea had only just occurred to her "Okay … be like that then, don't tell me if you don't want, but just remember he can't eat you …Okay? That's what me Nan always used to say when I was little 'n in the shit …. and you better ring me soon as you get out"

"It'll depend if he's already had breakfast …"She could hear that he was smiling "You just remember it'll help enormously if you keep your bloody phone on"

Molly knew from his voice that despite the huge effort he was making to sound normal, this wasn't just a walk in the bleeding park like he'd have her believe. There was something that felt wrong about the way he sounded so that she wished she was there and could see his smile and could smile back and then she could maybe stop feeling bothered. Scared. There was no real reason for her to feel jumpy, she just did, as well as feeling utterly useless that for some reason she knew there was something wrong and she had no idea what. Not that knowing would make much odds, even then there'd probably be nothing she could do to make it better.

He didn't know there was still a big grin plastered across his face, talking to Molly had somehow put the whole thing in perspective. She was right, but he'd wanted to make his own decisions in his own time, to make up his own mind and then control when and how he'd tell people, but if that was no longer going to be the way ot was going to happen, what the fuck could Beck, or anyone else for that matter, do if he decided the time had come for him to get out and do something different? He heard the rhythmic sound of Beck's boots approaching towards where he was waiting and straightened up from where he'd been leaning one shoulder against the wall while he'd talked to her, anyone caught slouching against anything was asking for Beck to demand to know whether they needed him to find them a fucking Zimmer Frame. It was one of his top ten pet hates.

"Charles…"

His voice was still curt and clipped but at least Charles was back to being Charles and was no longer defined by his rank or surname.

"Sir …"

For a long minute Beck stared eagle-eyed at the phone that was still in Charles' hand and then raised his eyebrows at the grin on his face as if he was about to say something, but then just nodded and waved his hand as Charles put the phone away, indicating there was no need for any formalities.

"Sorry if I kept you waiting"

He made a big show of checking his watch so that Charles was left struggling to work out whether he was being sarcastic about the phone, had genuinely decided to make this some sort of an old pal's chat regardless of respective rank, or whether he was waiting for the opportunity to pounce.

"Well now … let me see …" Beck nodded to indicate that Charles should sit down and then sat in his own chair and leaned forward with his elbows on his desk "Well … as our old pals the septic tanks would say this is a *SNAFU isn't it? A balls-up of the first order" He shook his head almost as though he was mind-reading what Charles had been about to say but his use of military slang made Charles sure he was deliberately trying to remind him of their shared history of four tours of Afghanistan "No … don't bother …" He put a hand in the air to halt whatever Charles had been about to say to him "I know you know what I'm talking about Charles … so let's forget the bullshit, I spoke to Daniel Nash yesterday or rather he spoke to me …. He told me he is concerned …"

"Is he? … what about?"

"I think you know … he's … concerned …. about your intentions and after hearing what he had to tell me, I have to say I agree with him, what the fuck is going on with you?" His eyes were piercing "And why the fuck didn't you come and talk to me before you made that sort of decision? I thought we'd known each other long enough for you to at least show me that degree of courtesy"

"I'm sorry … I obviously don't know what he's told you but I haven't made a decision … I haven't decided anything … nothing at all …. it's true I'm being forced to reconsider what my options are, but then you know that, and one of those is whether or not I should resign my commission … whether I should look for a change of career outside the army .. do something different with my life … but that's nowhere near being a certainty …"Charles swallowed hard and then carried on even though he was reluctant to put a name to it out loud "He's been pushing me to face the realities of living with … PTSD … and to look at what the options are … bearing in mind the limitations …" He was very conscious that he'd just dropped a hefty dollop of 'honest it wasn't me, Guv, it was him' into the conversation, something that made him cringe because he sounded like a bloody squaddie up on a charge but in this case it was true. And Daniel had bloody asked for it "But I haven't made a decision …I am still considering all my options"

"I take it then that your current role is not one you want to stick with in the long term … if going back is … going to prove to be …too difficult?" Beck was suddenly conscious that this wasn't exactly a walk in the park for Charles, he could see from the face that he'd got to know very well indeed that out of habit he'd retreated behind his mask of unemotional indifference, that admitting he might struggle was very hard for the man he'd known for a lot of years. A man he'd always considered to be a rock.

"Nope … a desk job is really not my bag … not for me I'm afraid…"

"Right … but there are alternatives you may not have considered"

"Sir?"

"I don't want to lose you, Charles, your expertise … your experience …. well, they're invaluable … but I can certainly understand there are issues you may find … difficult … given your history ..I don't need Nash to tell me that …" Charles caught the first tiny hint of censure in his voice "But I'm sure we can find a way of working around them …"

"What are you suggesting Sir?"

"Some kind of training role .. I know … Nash told me that you still have issues with anxiety, that you are living with PTSD, but you're an excellent Captain, Charles, an excellent soldier and … a very experienced trainer … you've done an excellent job in the past preparing squaddies for the realities of the shit they'll face … for … well for just about as long as I can remember …" He put his hand up again as Charles began to shake his head "I'm not talking about the battle specific training you've carried out in the past, the training that was focussed on periods of deployment where you would put it all into practice … I understand you've done your share … of … tours and that it's not for you any more, I'm talking about …. the sort of on-going training where any deaths are temporary … "

"I'm not sure what …. I don't know what to say Sir"

Charles ran a hand over the back of his neck, this wasn't what he'd expected at all and a short while back he'd have snatched Beck's hand off, the urge to do just that was still there, but, and it was a very big but, where was all this supposed to happen? Where? Anywhere near Salisbury Plain would be fucking brilliant, Warminster, Bulford, even Pirbright at a pinch, but apart from leaving Sam behind when he was just working things out, he couldn't just expect her to give up her job, pack up her belongings and her little family and traipse up the M1 after him to somewhere like Catterick for fuck sake. He couldn't expect her to start all over again miles away from everything and everybody she knew, not without at least asking her … but he also couldn't begin to think about what life would be like if he moved away and turned the clock back to a life without her in it.

"Have you got any idea where we're talking about … Sir? Only … I appreciate everything you've said, and certainly the … opportunity … but it's … not just what I want that matters"

"Ah … we're talking about your wife? If I remember rightly she isn't that keen on … but I am really glad to hear you've managed to patch things up with her and of course I understand that you need to talk it over with her before you make any sort of decision…."

"Nope, I'm actually not talking about my wife … we're .. not together anymore Sir" Charles shook his head knowing that although Beck had always been someone he could absolutely rely on when they'd been facing the Taliban in some shit-hole in Afghanistan, and in all the years since then, he'd never really been the sort of officer who got himself involved in peoples' private lives. He'd certainly never been one to sit and talk about feelings for fuck sake, Charles knew he probably couldn't give two shits about his love life "Nothing has been patched up …" He put his head down but hastily lifted it to look Beck straight in the eye, he was not going to run the risk of looking shifty when he mentioned Molly "My wife and I are … are still sorting the divorce, but there is someone in my life that I have to talk to before I do anything else…"

"Ah … right … I see … well …. Okay …. Yup, look, as long as I am not wasting my precious fucking time here ….… I'll get back to you ASAP" He stood up, obviously as far as he was concerned the meeting was over "People I need to talk to"

"Thank you Sir …. And God no, you're not wasting your time"

-OG-

"I'll tell you when I see you, but really … it was nothing … honestly there's nothing to worry about"

Every instinct Charles had told him not to go rushing to tell her about something that was still actually only a vague possibility. This was the army, and no matter how much Beck wanted to organise things to his own satisfaction, to have them go his own way, he was a small cog in a vast machine and couldn't just manufacture a job out of thin air where there wasn't one. They both knew the reality was that it didn't work like that and there hadn't been anything like enough certainty about what Beck had said for him to start thinking about presenting it to Molly as a definite. He'd be better off waiting out until at least there was something definite to consider.

"So … not a bollocking then?"

"Nope …told you, I don't get bollocked" Charles laughed and pasted a smug smile on his face even though she couldn't see him before he changed the subject and laughed again "Do you want to come with me, I can pick you up and we can get some lunch somewhere and then go and make young Gavin's day, although I'm not so sure he's going to like my list"

"Do you ever work …. and what list?"

"Of course I work … and there are just a few odd and sods need sorting"

"What … like a quick re-build?"

"It's not that bad … is it? You sound … are you sure you like it?"

"I'm only kiddin' course I do"

"Good … right … it needs a bit of cleaning and chimneys sweeping and floors polishing, that sort of thing" He snorted another laugh "A bit of paint here and there wouldn't go amiss … clean the bloody windows so you can see out of them … just one or two little things .."

"As long as its got 'ot water"

"Of course its got hot water …"There was a long pause while he thought about it "I'll check"

"Good … you know he might not wanna do all them things … I mean, is it usual for people to want stuff doing?"

"He will if he wants me to give him a cheque" Molly remembered just how grateful she'd been to the bloody landlord for even agreeing to let her rent his house from him, she'd have kissed his boots if he'd wanted. It hadn't even occurred to her that she could have demanded that he do stuff to it before she moved in, he must have thought her pretty bloody stupid and naive "Hey … come on I'll pick you up, we can go together"

There was a sinking sensation in her stomach. She'd love to say she'd go with him, it seemed like it was a sort of coupley thing to do, but it was three days off payday and she hadn't got a bean left in the bank, January had been such a bleeding long month. Suddenly it all felt as though it was going a bit too quickly for her.

"Thanks I'd love lunch …. save me cooking but … I …were just thinkin' … do you think we should maybe wait out a bit … it all feels like a bit of a rush …. there's all this stuff to sort … we don't wanna be a bit previous"

"Are you trying to tell me you've changed your mind?"

"Nah … never said that … but there's stuff I need to do … I gotta check with Mar'ins teacher about whether he'd 'ave to change schools if we go and live in South Road … and I phoned his social worker but she weren't there … they've promised she'll get back to me …. dunno when … I gotta tell her a whole bunch of lies about what a fine upright citizen you are … you know that sort of thing …."

Even Molly could hear her voice was running out of steam and that she was beginning to sound as if she was making excuses, which if she was being honest was exactly what she was doing. Not that they were lies, she genuinely had things she had to do, but she didn't want to say anything about the great big issue of how much all this was going to cost. She had no idea what she was going to have to pay to get out of her current gaffe, whether she'd get her deposit back, and then there was her share of the new one, she had to know how much money she was going to have to find before she actually did anything stupid. Inside her head Molly knew she wasn't the sensible person everyone said she was, she'd love to rush off and be all impulsive, do what he wanted, well what she wanted and to hell with it, but she'd had a gutful of making wrong decisions that had turned out to be shit.

"I see …" His voice had gone quiet and noticeably flat, all the enthusiasm and laughter wiped out "Okay … well if that's what you want …. maybe you're right "

"Nah … look … I didn't mean …"

"Save it … I'll be there in a minute"

-OG-

The minute he got out of the car the front door was almost flung off its hinges as she tore down the path and literally threw herself into his arms "Sorry, sorry, sorry, I never meant it to sound like I didn't want to …"

"Thank god for that … I thought you might have changed your mind about me" He leaned back but kept his arms firmly round her and smirked, as relief flooded through him.

"Nah … why would I? I never meant I don't wanna do it ….…. I do, I just 'ave to be sure ... there are things …"

"I know …" He tightened his arms round her "Am I going to get this kind of welcome every time I come home?"

"Might …" She grinned "But I need you to tell me 'ow much all this is gonna cost me"

"Don't worry about it …"

"Don't treat me like a bloody kid okay? I need to know, its worrying me and I'm not gonna live rent free, I always pay me way … otherwise I'm not doing it"

It had actually been on the tip of his tongue to joke and say she could pay in kind but fortunately some instinct for self-preservation had stopped him just before the whole thing had become a complete fucking disaster. It wasn't even as though he meant it, it was the pure relief at being wrong when he'd been convinced that she'd got cold feet to the extent of backing off at about a hundred miles an hour.

"Molly … look at me …" He put his hands on her shoulders and paused to look down at her bare feet on the front garden path and shook his head "Please …" She looked up at him "Now, are you listening? I don't want your money, I want you … so do me a favour and shut the fuck up will you …. and then we can get back to you being pleased to see me … and the bit where we go inside where it's a tad warmer"

"I am pleased to see you …." Molly reluctantly turned to go in "But… "

"I know you are … and never mind about but…" He put his head on one side "Everything will be okay, okay?"

"Still not gonna live off of you … even if you are bloody loaded"

"No-one is saying you should … " He threw his head back and started to laugh "And what gives you the idea that I'm loaded, the way things are going I'll probably be living off you before very much longer …"

"Shit …"

-OG-

Somehow she ended up sitting on his lap on the sofa while he put his head back and sighed and found himself telling her how angry he was with Daniel. That the bloody man had spent months dishing out bollocks about it not being his job to tell him what to do, that he was only there to help him find suitable strategies to help him cope, and then as soon as he'd said anything to him, Daniel had gone behind his back and talked to Beck.

-OG-

A/N: Thank you for your lovely comments and support, I can honestly say they are what keep me going and an especially big thank you to Flossy for being so patient and for the hot water…

*For those who haven't come across it before SNAFU is American military slang that stands for Situation Normal All Fucked Up