I did my best to visit Josh every day, but it was incredibly difficult to do so when the boys kept coming in and out of the hospital. The second I found out Josh was on life support, I asked the nurse's to warn me whenever the boys came to visit. I felt incredibly guilty keeping this from Ian, but I didn't know how to break it to him.
"Morning, Ms. Ramsay," chimed one of the nurses as I walked in.
"Morning," I replied solemnly, "Where's Leslie?"
"Out sick today," she responded.
Dammit. Leslie was the only nurse who fully understood how important it was that I kept my cover.
"Can you warn me then?" I sighed.
"I'll do my best," the nurse nodded.
I hung my head as I slowly walked over to the room where he was held. I closed the door behind me and sat on the chair nearest to his bed. As I watched him lay there, pale and motionless, I couldn't help but feel like this was all my fault. Maybe if I hadn't introduced him to Alexa, he wouldn't have cheated on Amanda and then he wouldn't have overdosed and…
I shook my head vigorously. This wasn't my fault. The doctors said he'd been smoking it for a while. But still, I'd known him my whole life; I should've recognized the signs.
I was taken back to reality when I heard the door open.
"How's he doing?" I asked the doctor who looked at me with saddened eyes.
"Not great," the doctor shrugged.
My heart sank and I felt tears flood my eyes. The doctor seemed to notice this immediately. "We're doing our best, don't worry."
"I know," I responded. "Do you think he'll be home for Christmas?"
"The chances of that are quite slim," he answered.
"I understand," I sighed. Why did I even ask? Christmas was three days away. We'd need a miracle for him to wake up by then. Fuck, we'd need a miracle for him to wake up period.
"I'll leave you two alone," the doctor said while scribbling down a few things on his clipboard and closing the door behind him. I reached over to hold Josh's hand, which felt cold as ice.
"I'm so sorry, Josh." I choked back tears. What was the point in even talking to him? It wasn't like he could hear me.
After ten long and discomforting minutes of sitting and watching as he was force-fed fluids, I decided I'd go fetch his sisters, who were probably still in bed. I stood up timidly and began to make my way out the door, when I bumped into the one person I'd been avoiding all week.
"Lily?" shouted Ian as he began walking closer to me.
"Hi," I responded.
"I haven't seen you all week…" his voice trailed off. "…Where've you been?"
I couldn't take this. I couldn't lie—not to Ian.
"I've been visiting Josh," I responded slowly.
"Really?" he inquired, sounding very confused, "Why? I mean, that's very sweet of you…but you hardly know him."
"On the contrary," I responded nervously, "he's my cousin."
A long, distressing silence followed my disclosure as a blank look hit Ian's face. I waited apprehensively for his response, but got nothing in return; I simply watched him walk away towards Josh's room.
"Ian!" I called out, chasing after him.
No response.
"Ian, what's wrong?" I yelled as tears started to roll down my cheeks.
No response.
I continued to chase him, but made it to Josh's room just in time for Ian to slam the door right in my face. I started to open it hesitantly before slamming it behind me. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
No response.
"IAN, TALK TO ME!" I yelled.
No response.
"IAN!"
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW SICK I AM OF LIES?" he finally shouted.
"You're seriously getting mad at me?" I exclaimed.
"Yes," he responded coldly.
"Ian, I wanted to tell you!" I explained. "I just…I didn't know how and…" my voice trailed off.
"First Josh lies to us all about doing heroin, and now this?" He looked to be on the verge of tears.
I looked up at him as he was staring at Josh. "I—I didn't want you to worry about anything with everything you had going on. I felt guilty that I had introduced him to Alexa and—"
"Youintroduced Josh to Alexa?" he reprimanded.
"I—I didn't think—" I tried to find the right words.
"You're right," he said.
"What?" I inquired.
"You didn't think," he responded.
"So you're blaming me?" I asked.
No response.
"IAN!"
"What do you expect me to do? Do you expect me to sit here and make you feel better when my best friend is fucking dying? Or how about the fact that my girlfriend lied to me? I THOUGHT I KNEW YOU, LILY! CLEARLY, I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG!" he shouted before walking out the door and slamming it behind him.
"Ian, wait!" I called out. But I couldn't bring myself to chase after him. Instead, the doctor came rushing in.
"What's going on in here?" shouted one of the doctors.
"Nothing," I wiped my eyes, "Nothing, it's fine. I'll just—I'll just leave."
I ran out the door and called Sara, however it took multiple tries before I got it right due to my shaking hands. She said she'd be over in a few minutes, but I couldn't stand to wait in that dreaded hospital. I made my way outside and leaned against the cold, brick wall as tears fell harder and harder down my face.
"Shit, Lily," I heard a familiar voice call out before I felt arms reach around me.
I wiped my face, "I'm glad you made it," I looked at her, "Where's the rest of them?"
"They said they'll come later," she responded. The two of us made our way back inside the hospital and I was getting ridiculously insincere sympathetic looks.
"What are they all staring at?" asked Sara.
"I had a fight with Ian," I responded.
"Ian?"
"Long story."
Sara nodded and gave me you'll-tell-me-later eyes before we walked into Josh's room. She had only seen him a few days this week, so it was pretty understandable when she began to bawl at the sight of her broken little brother.
I sat across the room and watched Sara hold Josh's hand. I was unable to stay near him for very long without feeling my stomach twist uncomfortably. I was just starting to process the last few minutes in regards to what happened with Ian, and I was taken aback when I heard a knock.
"Hi," Alexa said as she stood motionless in the doorway.