# CHAPTER 24

Stacie's POV

Christmas and New Year already passed the calendar and it's about time to change calendars though.

Hoping to change my feelings too.

Or even my life.

Whatever.

I'm so used to this kind of feeling where I felt numb about everything. I only laughed like a psychopath this early in the morning when I saw Emily with someone in the bed.

Sleeping.

Both naked.

I was about to give her my Christmas present that I didn't give her exactly the christmas eve coz I'm busy and she wasn't replying to me so I fucking decided to go to her dorm early this morning but then that's the thing I didn't want to see first thing in the morning.

Maybe I should really need to learn from now on how hold my excitement whenever I know she's around meters away from me coz playing this survival game makes me want to jump in the cliff.

Actually I'm playing a lot of games that I should learn how to manage without emotion intact. Like how to stop my hypothalamus from producing emotions that I felt inside me whenever I'm around Emily or maybe just how to stop my serotonin, dopamin and oxytocin from combining together and how it will not produce the shit inside me.

She loves me, she doesn't know who I am, she likes me, she hates me, I never know what is happening.

She shuts me out when she feels like you said or did something that offend her.

Commits in the most uncommitted way of relationship. Never wants to be fucking official, but acts like a girlfriend when no one is looking.

Doesn't like the idea of me hanging out with other guys, wants to know who I am with, tries to make me jealous by flirting with everyone else around her, makes me feel unsure about where I stand.

And all of that is called survival game.

Well you always have a choice about the games you will and will not play. Some games are flirty-fun, but sometimes they are detrimental to my emotional stability. I know the difference when it happens to me and the people around me not because I'm fucking legendary or what but because we have different kinds of person who we flirted with.

However, because I am human too, I sometimes forget that I don't have to play along just because the other person is. I continued to play along with them because I enjoy them. I set the terms for my life and what I will and will not tolerate. I still end up tolerating them though. If the "What are we?" game is not for you, then stop playing. Define it yourself and let it go. This is a friendly advice from me, fucking Conrad who experience a lot of wrong decisions last year so it's whether you learn from me or not.

Another thing is don't ask them to choose you, know that you are a worthy choice and you don't need to be negotiated. The danger with entertaining these games is that they erode your confidence, sense of worth, and make you think it's okay to defend her in her poor treatment of you. Mind games are awful because the thoughts in your mind don't shut up, won't shut up. Like what I always think about of this kind of relationship that really doesn't worth to be called relationship at all. You begin reading into every little thing, suspecting and distrusting her, blaming yourself subconsciously, wondering about things you shouldn't and obsessing. You're becoming human anxiety driven ass by your not-so-partner who loves to fuck you. She still love though.

And then you end up losing sleep over nonsense and she still won't quit playing because it's a power play. Sounds like a foreplay. If you let yourself fall into letting her define what you are when you will be that, how your relationship will be, and more, know that the games won't stop with dating. They continue, and they will keep continuing until you put your foot down.

After all, it takes two to tango. If you don't play along, then there is no game.

There's no survival.

If the games listed don't sound fun, it's because they aren't.

Here's the plus though, if you don't like them… you don't have to play them. At all.

These are not great games, and they do nothing to build trust between you two. All it does is destroy systems, ideas and perspectives.

It will destroy your nervous system that was only functioning on sending signals from one cell to others, or from one part of the body to others. Or your cardiovascular system that also functioning to permit blood to circulate and transport nutrients such as amino acids and electrolytes, oxygen, carbon dioxide, hormones, and blood cells to and from the cells in the body to provide nourishment and help in fighting diseases that makes us still alive and kicking. Poor systems. It will also destroy the idea of how love works in science like we should say that "I love you from the bottom of my hypothalamus" instead of saying "I love you from the bottom of my heart". Oh cliché. Or the perspective in life of how do you love or what should you love in the person or what should you love in her specifically. Is it how she laugh? Or it's how she ignore you?

It makes you distrust yourself, big time. It makes you mad and sad but not knowing exactly why.

It leaves you in a position where you are trying to validate why you deserve to be her girl, it leaves you weak. These are not fair games at all, they are not fun games, and they will not help you in any way.

Don't let her tell you that you are overthinking it, don't tell yourself that you are crazy, just see it for what it is and decide.

If you meet a guy and he starts to play any of these games, please know that you don't have to play. You will always have a choice. Please don't end up like me.

I was walking in the hall coz I wanted to go to the library when I heard someone crying in a empty hallway. She sounds like a crying people in the horror movies. She's a brunette with very long hair and looks so naive because of her fashion choice. She's wearing a cardigan and flowered design skirt. Everyone has a class right now and I decided not to attend classvcoz I felt exhaust when I threw the gift I wanted to give Emily in the trash can while giggling. It's like all my effort on wrapping it was gone with appreciation.

I walked towards her and kneel in front of her. "Hey. Why are you crying?" She finally looked at me and I saw how she let out a sobs. Her eyes are red because of crying and it's a bit of swollen.

"Who a-are you?" She asked. Her breathing was kinda erratic.

"Uhm. I'm Stacie. I'm Junior and I'm only walking here when I saw you. It's so hard for me to ignore someone who's crying so I approached you." I smiled at her. "I hope you don't mind if I ask you.."

"W-What?" She asked and frowned. Still mot moving om her previous position on the floor.

"Why are you here, crying?"

"Will y-you believe in me if I told you something?"

"Why not?"

"They f-find it ridiculous and I was just telling the truth."

"What is it then?"

"Will you going to believe if I say.. the end is near?" I was taken aback of what she's saying to me and I was like 'oh' I didn't expect that kind of shit in someone who's eyes is red because of crying- "And yeah you're not. Please just go a-away." And she started to lean on her knees and cry harder than before.

This is stupid.

I know the world is full of shit but knowing that being a shitty is now a lifestyle, oh fuck me. Hard exactly in my ass so I may have the percentage of being fucked to compute.

Not that I'm an atheist. Actually, my parents are one of the religious people but when they heard preaching about the rapture thing they immediately leave the church. Instead of telling those things to make people freak out and intensify their faith into God just because they heard about rapture, I suggest that they should teach how to live a life to the fullest.

I stood up without saying something and walked towards the library entrance and entered it.

Then I saw a redhead that is maybe reading her favorite book while she had an earphones on.

I immediately logged in and when I'm done I walked towards her and sat across her. She looked up on me and smiled. She removed her earphones and spoke.

"Hey." She approached me. I saw she's reading Euclid's book.

"Hey. What's up?" I approached back. "You don't have a class?"

"I skipped my class. I'm so not in the mood to study after the long exhausting vacation. Maybe they will consider it when your girlfriend is the- nothing."

"The, what?" I asked while putting my book out of my bag.

"Nevermind." She shook her head. "Anyway, you don't have class?"

"I skipped too. Maybe they will consider it when your.. one of Emily's hook up. Yeah. She owns the 10% of Barden."

"Oh. That's.. amazing." She said in a low voice. I considered it as a positive meaning of 'awful'.

"It is. Especially the.. hook ups." I chuckled.

"Gross." She said and narrow her eyes to me. "That's just 30% of being so insensitive of your girlfriend."

"What do you mean?" I asked. "Coz for me huh? It's being 29% of being Emily's hook up coz you don't knoq her."

"Oh no. You also don't know Beca." She said while shaking her head in disapproval.

"Well, I saw Emily this morning with someone else beside her. Naked."

"I think that's natural when you two are just.. you know. Hook ups?"

"And I was about to give her something like a present from christmas."

"Like a gift?- oh. my. god.. You like her?" She gasped as she covered her mouth.

"I think so.. but she doesn't like me."

"Oh. I can only say that do not allow her to consume you. Like if she does not call, go to sleep. If she does not message, put your phone away and have a fantastic day anyway." She said in enthusiam. "If she acts distant when you are with her and refuses to tell you what is wrong, don't wait for her, go home and do something you love. If she tries to insinuate you do not need your friends now that you have her, spend more time with your friends."

"She didn't do that coz she know I don't have friends."

"Well, you're talking to me now so we're totally friends except when you try to insist of flirting with Beca, we're totally enemies. I swear. Don't add yourself in our situation now." I chuckled and shook my head. I'm only joking when I told her about flirting Beca and that's hilarious. Do she really think I have a thing for Beca? She's nice but come on. Look at her compare to me. "Good then. Did Emily tries to teach you a lesson through the silent treatment?"

"All the time."

"That's toxic. Ignore her. But if she plays with your feelings constantly, walk away immediately-

"That's one of my problems I can't do that. Walking away while she's sweet at me? That's giving me a chance saying she likes me too!"

"Oh no. It's a simple act of telling, 'Hey Stacie I'll fuck you later' and be nice the time to have a score in you and if she acts like your body is his entitlement when you are not ready, you must walk away."

"Actually. I wanted to have sex-

"Can you sensor that inappropriate words that coming from your mouth? We're in the library for Pete's sake."

"You want me to tell you that privately?" I seductively said that made her cringed and mouthed 'really gross'. We both giggled. "Let's go back in the subject, I wanted to 'hang out' with her like all thr time coz I'm loving the feeling of her 'company'." She rolled her eyes.

"That's terrible. I think if you kept on enjoying the feeling of her 'company' you won't be able to know the value of a relationship until she began to hurt you again." She explained and I rolled my eyes. "And being used to it was the worst."

"I tried to ask her many times but she keep on ignoring me."

"Ask her what?"

"Ask her of what we have she slapped me all the time of being hook ups but she's proud of telling her friends that we're friend. And that's exceptional. She didn't do that to her other-

"How sure are you of that?"

"Because she's your friend and you know me?"

"Oh I see. So you're saying to me that it's giving you hopes that she likes you back? Where is she right now again?" She narrowed her eyes to me and put her palm onto her chin while her elbow is resting to the table. "I cannot stress this enough, you live for yourself first, Stacie. She is a secondary character in the story of your life. Do not allow her to turn you into a secondary character in your own book coz that's gonna be another big mistake of your and it's hard to get it back again after you lost yourself in the wilderness." I cringed when I imagine myself lost in the wilderness. I looks like a princess in the middle of the desert.

"You know what? You talk to me like you know everything about love."

"Not everything about love but more about hook ups. I experienced it and it all worked it out."

"Is it Beca?"

"No. Beca and I never done hook ups. At first that's my plan but she's playing hard to bang." She chuckled. "Now she's begging me to bang her." She whispered and I rolled my eyes. Why bang sounds like a gun shot?

Okay. I remembered the day I'm with them. I didn't know they are all acquainted to each other. I mean, the highest into the coolest students in Barden in one group? I played cool there especially when Flo Fuentes is around. I pretended I didn't know her even in the party to not freak her out. I mean, I didn't actually notice her it was her coz it's so brief and fast, my booze was in. It's hilarious if someone taller than her makes a scene just to catch her attention.

I didn't even know that Beca, Cynthia and Emily was mutual until they attended the party and suddenly show up.

That party is so awesome IF something had happen.

"You're cruel."

"I'm not. Actually she's the one who's cruel."

"Why insensitive and cruel then?"

"Beca always talks about her ex same as her relatives and it's worrying the shit out of me everytime they speaks about her ex. I think she's still in love with her while feeling the sensation of her ex's love on me." She sighed.

"Well, I can only say to you that you should tell her that so you can fix something. It's not like my problem to Emily that I should basically tell her my problem. I should take action of so I could fix mine."

"God knows how I tried my best to act cool about it but I'm getting pissed and jealous at the same time like why are you saying that? Is it going to help us get through the bubble gum in your shorts?" She infruriated while having a hand motion.

I was about to remark when her phone abruptly ring. She immediately took it and answered it. She looked at me and motion me to wait before standing up ans go the bookshelves.

After a minute she went back and said, "I think I need to go."

"Where are you going?"

"To the.. Uhm. Barden Chapel."

"Why?"

"Beca told me I need to go there for some sort of crime that happened there few minutes ago." She said and put her things together.

"I'm bored so I'll come with you."