October 2010

"I really, really, don't want to do this" Dean whined from the bedroom packing his things into a duffel bag. Castiel frowned walking in and folding his arms to glare at Dean.

"It's a week away with you, me, Sam and Gabriel in my dead uncle's cabin which my aunt is happy to lend us because we need a break, I have a week away from that stupid school and you have a break from that disaster of a hospital" he said walking towards him to poke him hard in the chest. "It's going to be fun"

Dean watched him walk out with narrowed eyes and a scowl. Elmo was staying with Karen and Anna for the week to her delight since she had fallen in love with him at first sight and a part of Dean would miss him.

"It's in Colorado"

"It's out of Oklahoma"

"It's a week with my brother and the most annoying person in the world"

"Dean!" Castiel shouted annoyed at him from the other bedroom.

He snorted amused at his annoyed tone because he hadn't stopped using that tone since the incident in July. Things between them had been awkward at the beginning with Dean guilty and facing the wrath of Castiel and his family who were also pissed at him. The tension was awkward and tetchy between them as they danced around each other not knowing what to say or do and kept the long awaited "talk" to one side for now. Eventually as the weeks and months passed the conversations grew longer and the awkwardness started to slip but it was still there buried in the back of both of their minds waiting to pop out and be confronted.

"You're dragging me up into some mountains in autumn with my brother and your brother who are…well you know" Dean said with a grimace feeling a little sick.

"Well they're not going to fuck all over it…"

"Ah no, no, no" he chanted covering his ears. "You shut the fuck up with that talk…no"

"Don't be silly, Dean"

"I could refuse"

"I really wouldn't"

"Oh yeah, what are you going to do if I don't?"

"Dean, I will make your life more of a living hell than it already is" he said slowly turning towards him with narrowed eyes. "Stop complaining"

Dean glared at the back of his head.

"Stop glaring at me and get ready" he muttered startling Dean to eye him curiously before he moved away into his bedroom collecting the rest of things and hauling it over his shoulder.

"Give me one good reason why this is going to any good?"

"One good reason"

"Please"

"It's a good reason because it gets both of us and our brothers away for a while. You're being ridiculous about this, Dean, and no I can't force you but I know you will regret it if you don't come" he said with a sigh. "But I will make your life a living hell if you don't come and leave me with the still lovesick couple"

"Oh how appealing this sounds" Dean said with a snort. "Fine, I'll come"

"You make me so happy"

"I love your sarcasm" Dean muttered shoving his head gently as they collected their things and locked up the apartment. "So we're meeting them there?"

"Yes, here" he said handing him a map.

"I don't need a map"

"Dean…"

"I don't need a map!" he said with a huff chucking their duffels into the back and climbing in the front. "I think I can get to Colorado"

"If we end up in the middle of nowhere I'm going to leave your body to wolves and bears"

"Yeah, yeah, you'd just come running back" Dean said with smugness in his tone. Castiel rolled his eyes when Dean turned the music up and pulled out for the long drive up to the cabin. It was a long drive up as music filled the silence between them.

"Dean, I want you to take the map"

"Fuck you"

"Dean"

"I'm not lost!" he cried annoyed as they parked on the side of the road. "I know exactly where we are"

"Okay, Dean, where are we?"

"We're in a road"

"You're so clever" Castiel said dryly flashing him a look. "What road?"

"In Oklahoma"

"Clever, again, but what's the name?"

"I don't know, Mr Whiz, check your fucking map!" he snapped tugging it out of his hands. "I know exactly where we are"

"Oh yeah"

"Cut the tone, Cas, it's getting old" he muttered looking over to him and down at the map. "I know where we are now"

"Good" Castiel said softly glancing out of the window. "We better get going before it gets dark"

Dean nodded gritting his jaw and speeding away as they drove following the map directions under the constant persistence of Castiel waving it in his face. They soon arrived hungry, irritable, and in desperate need to move out of the car. Castiel stared up at the cabin with a small smile remembering it as a child. It always reminded Castiel of the cabins in films, wood panelling, a deck, a lake nearby, and the beautiful sort of calm that circled it over and over again.

"Bonjour bitches!" Gabriel hollered stepping out through the front door followed by Sam.

"Gabriel" Castiel called in greeting as hugs were exchanged and they headed inside together.

"Whoa" Dean said with a low whistle. "Nice place"

"Nice? It's fucking gorgeous! Our uncle, rest his drunk, moody, and filthy soul in hell loved the place but our aunt…she doesn't" Gabriel said gleefully jumping around the kitchen. "It's everything I could want, coffee machine, fridge full of goodies, and a lake nearby where I can swim naked"

"Too much information" Dean muttered in disgust shoving him as he went to get a room and Sam flushed red shoving Gabriel too he whined at being beaten up. Dean walked into one of the spare rooms chucking his bag on and looking out across the woods. The door creaked and he turned to see Castiel's head poking around.

"Where are you?"

"Down the hall, it was my room when we came to stay" he said walking in and looking around. "This was the spare room, it was never slept in"

"Good, I don't to be sharing germs"

Castiel nodded slowly narrowing his eyes. "Come on…we need food"

"I'll be right down" he said looking out of the window hearing him leave and frowning deeply. Why did it feel so awkward these days to talk to him, they were best friends and now it felt like struggling through water to get through a conversation without snapping at each or fading into the back ground. He walked down hearing the three of them talking loudly in the kitchen and the smell of burgers wafting out.

"Hey, Dean, you want a burger?" Sam called out as he rounded the corner.

"When have I ever refused?" he murmured sliding in next to Sam and grabbing one. He noticed out of the corner of his eye as Castiel tugged at Gabriel's wrist and they disappeared into the study shutting the door.

"What's that all about?" he murmured nodding at the now closed doors.

"I don't know" Sam muttered leaning against the counter. "So…how are you two?"

"We're fine"

"Really"

"Yes" he snapped flicking his eyes over to him. "Why?"

"I don't know…it's just…things seem a little tense between you like something has happened or not happened" he said making wiggly fingers into the air. "So I'm guessing things haven't been okay since your disappearing act"

"Things weren't good before that" he murmured rubbing a hand over his cheek. "I didn't realise it was so obvious"

"It's because I know you better than anyone else"

"Alright, alright, things are a little…awkward, tense, and fucking ridiculous" he said with a sigh picking the bun of his burger. "I feel like he's moving further and further away from me and there is nothing I can do to stop him"

"Have you talked to him?"

"We've been putting it off"

Sam sighed sipping his beer and handing him one. "You need to talk to him, Dean, there's no point in putting it off over and over again because it's only going to get worse"

Dean glared over the top of his beer but knew he was right because he was always bloody right.

"I'm going insane, Gabriel"

"Well keep your insanity to yourself" he murmured with a sigh flicking through a dictionary. "Stop telling me all your woes and tell your best friend please"

"But he's the problem!"

"Well tell him and get rid of this tension between you and Dean somehow because it's infecting Sam and I and we're good, really good at the moment"

"I'm sorry" he murmured shutting his eyes. "I just know that if I say something it'll be something that I seriously regret"

Gabriel sighed slamming it shut and tossing it on the desk. "Well maybe that is a good thing, tell him what you really think before it gets worse and you're two strangers sitting in an apartment"

"You're right"

"Of course I'm right, I'm awesome, right, we done? Sam, if you have eaten my burger there will no sex!" he shouted to the disgust of Dean and Castiel who shouted at him as he laughed hard. Castiel remained in the study staring at the painting of a flowerpot with a frown knowing he had to confront Dean and have this serious talk with him at long last.

He left the comfort of the study to see Sam and Gabriel engaged in a kiss that made Castiel's chest ache at the tenderness of it.

"Oh" Sam muttered noticing him and pulling away flushing a deep pink. "If you're looking for Dean, he's outside"

"Thank you" he murmured pushing open the door to see Dean sitting on the deck with a bottle of whiskey at his side. Castiel sighed softly walking over and dropping down to sit next to him and nodded at his feet in the water.

"There are snakes in here"

"Good" Dean murmured with a small smile. "What are you doing out here?"

"We need to have this talk I have been putting off since July"

"Oh yeah" Dean murmured picking up the bottle and handing it over to him.

"I don't want to have it drunk, Dean"

"More for me" Dean murmured going to unscrew it when Castiel yanked the bottle out of his hand chucking it into the lake leaving Dean to gape at it and shove Castiel hard.

"What the hell?!"

"We're not having this conversation drunk now face me" he said tugging him so they were sat facing each other on the dock. Dean glanced over to the setting sun and raised an eyebrow.

"Well isn't this romantic"

"Shut up, we need to talk"

"I know we do"

"This has been going on since before July, Dean"

"When I drove you away"

Castiel sighed staring down at his hands feeling angry but also sad at the same time. "Dean, you and I have been best friends for nearly seven years now. We've been through so much shit together that it's almost laughable and painful at the same time. I've been abused, I've taken drugs, I've been hit by a car and died, and throughout it all I have had you, Dean, you've been my rock and I've been yours through Mary dying, through Martha dying and all the mess that came along with it because I care about you more than anything in the whole world. I'd rather die than something happen to you. But now things are difficult between us, tension, lies, deceit, and running away from our problems because we can put on a façade"

"What are you trying to say?"

"That we should have never started our whole friends with benefits arrangement…friends don't have sex with each other unless both of them really mean it and yes…the sex was good, more than good, but everything that's happened between us is because of that. You fucked people whilst still fucking me and you didn't care, Dean, you didn't care about what it would do to me. I admit I ran, I ran away from you to different countries but it was also to see the world as well. I was always going to come back to you. The problem was when I did everything bad happened came with it"

"It wasn't a relationship…"

"But it was a commitment, Dean, friends with benefits only with each other…or should I have whispered it in your ear when I came inside you not realising I was sharing you with the rest of Oklahoma"

"Oh you just had to slip it in didn't you? We should write a book on it, Dean Winchester is a slut by Castiel Milton, I'm sure it will be a bestseller" Dean said with a snort of disbelief. "I had sex with other people, big deal, life goes on, Cas, move along with it"

Castiel bit his lip looking out across the water. "You're an asshole, Dean, you're a complete asshole and you don't even realise how much it hurt me when I saw all those messages from them women and men, you don't see, you don't care…"

"Of course I care!"

"No you don't!"

"Look, Cas, can we not just forget about it?"

"No because this is the reason why we are here"

"Because I slept with other people while sleeping with you?" he said with question in his tone.

"It's half of it but it's part of the reason I left and part of the reason why things are so awkward between us now, why we can't talk properly, and why we can't even spend time with each other anymore"

"I'm sorry" he whispered.

"I wish I could believe you"

"I am sorry, Cas, I am"

Castiel nodded slowly lacing their hands together with a sigh. "I know, okay, I know but you still did it"

Dean squeezed their hands tightly together with a feeling of foreboding. "What do we do?"

"We're too dependent on each other now…we live together, we do everything together, Dean, we need…space"

"We had fucking space, you went away for six months"

"But we still kept in contact nearly every single day"

"So?"

"Dean, are you really that blind?"

"Nope…perfect vision" he muttered blinking madly at him. "We don't need space; we need to sort out our differences instead of…running away"

"We need space to grow…"

"That's running away"

"Dean!"

"Cas!"

Castiel huffed feeling tired and fed up already of the conversation. It was like hitting a wall over and over again with Dean's stubbornness.

"I think I should move out for a while, let's get some space, time to breathe, grow, do other things and see each other once a week or something…" Castiel said softly and faltering when Dean shook his head with a fierce look on his expression.

"No, Cas, you can't"

"Dean, don't make this difficult" he muttered letting his head to press his forehead into his their hands.

"I'm not! You're being stupid, Cas, don't make me chuck you in the water"

"Dean, please…please try and listen to me" he pleaded.

Dean sighed deeply gripping his wrists and tugging him till he sat in his lap with a yelp of surprise. He smirked locking his wrists in place and narrowing his eyes to look into his. Castiel glared wrapping his legs around his waist and leaning back.

"Dean…"

"You know when I first met you when I was drunk and a mess…I didn't like you"

"I know because my first impression of you was not good and my second impression of you was even worse" he said with a roll of his eyes.

"But then I got to know you, the real you, you're a freak"

"That's not nice"

"But you are, you drink tea with too many sugars, you listen to that classical shit, you just chucked a bottle of whiskey in the water, you hate sleeping on the left it has to be the right, you need to be comforted after sex and a nightmare which I guess isn't freaky but still…you hate beer"

"It leaves a nasty taste in my mouth" he murmured with a frown.

"You're my best friend, my only friend in a sense"

"We're going off topic here, Dean"

"You don't have to move out! We can sort this here and now"

"What…with sex?" Castiel said tilting his head and glancing down. "I can see the lust in your eyes, Dean"

Dean scoffed amused looking over into the water. "No"

"Then why am I in your lap?"

"Because I want you there"

"Dean, I'm serious about this, we can't carry on like we have been"

"So what should we do?"

"I've already told you!"

"How is moving out going to solve this?! Cas, if you move out nothing will be solved apart from you living on your own or with some asshole"

Gabriel peered out of the window and laughed once in surprise. "If they're not fucking by tonight, I'll eat my socks"

"Gabe" Sam whined with a look of disgust. "I really hope they don't"

"Why not"

"Because it won't help them"

"Oh fuck that! They're meant to be together"

"Did you really just say that" Sam said with a small smile biting into a chip. "Are they meant to be together like we are? Do you know how long I pined for you?"

"Yep and that's what my little bro has been doing for six fucking years so why not get a little entertainment and nookie along the way from him"

"Please never, ever, ever, say that word again" Sam said burying his face into the cushion.

Gabriel laughed hard running over and leaping over the couch to settle down next to him with a small smile.

"You know I love you, right?"

"Finally" Sam murmured when he leaned over pressing a soft kiss to his lips and wriggled into his arms as they settled to watch a film.

"So you want to spend the rest of our time together like this, Dean? Full of tension, awkwardness, and a huge wall between"

"Cas, it's only there because we're letting it be there"

"I still think I should move, live with Balthazar…"

"Oh I'm sure he'd fucking love that" Dean said with a scoff. "No way, Cas"

"Are you really going to stop me?"

"Cas, I will tie you down into the bed if I have to" he said with an unwavering eye contact. Castiel swallowed feeling heat pool in his groin at the thought and shuffled closer to him in instinct.

"You said that once before…before I went on my trip"

"I still could of…"

"You were miserable without me, Dean; you spent all your time with Sam and even got Elmo because you needed company! It's dependency, Dean, and if I leave…"

"…I'll get a farm of animals" Dean finished the sentence with a grin and gasped in pain when Castiel struck him on the arm hard. Dean sighed wrapping a hand around the back of his neck and bringing him down to press their foreheads together.

"I thought this was a week away to chill and relax?"

"It is but it's also a week to confront issues"

"Can we do it tomorrow then? I fancy getting a little drunk"

"Dean, we can't put this off"

"We won't…let's just sort it out tomorrow" he said pushing him away gently and glancing at the bottle of whiskey now empty and all in the river. "You're a dick"

"Go get some more" Castiel said waving him away with a sigh and watching him jog back into the cabin. He sighed knowing it was going to take a lot to get through that wall of stubbornness and co-dependency but he would do it, he had no choice.

~0~0~0~0~

They ended up on the porch swing wrapped up in coats and blankets with Dean lying sideways with Castiel lying in between his legs using his chest as support. Gabriel and Sam were currently at the back of the house and Dean didn't want to hear or know what was happening.

"I love water" Castiel murmured sipping from the bottle of wine. "I just love nature and deer's"

"What?" Dean murmured into his ear with a chuckle. "Why deer's"

"They're majestic"

Dean blinked bemused pushing his nose into the back of his hair and inhaling deeply. "You smell like apples"

"I feel very drunk" Castiel slurred. "Dean"

"What?"

"Let's go swimming" he said spinning around to face him.

"What?"

"You heard, let's go swimming"

"In that lake…n-no way, Cas, it's got snakes and crocodiles"

He felt Castiel stiffen in his arms and turned to look at him. "Crocodiles"

"Yeah, they'll bite your head off"

"Dean!" he said annoyed when he laughed burying his face into the crook of his neck. "I used to swim in there when I was a child…let's skinny dip"

"My, my, Cas" he said raising an eyebrow when he struggled out of his arms pulling off his shirt stumbling away. Dean watched in awe and amusement as he stood up and watched Castiel strip off all clothing and head to the dock.

"I think there's a reason you don't drink" Dean murmured with a chuckle when he jumped into the cold water. "You're insane!"

"I'm not insane" he called back to him.

"It's autumn, you idiot!" Dean shouted walking over and shaking his head at him naked and swimming in the water. Castiel didn't seem to care as he ducked under the water and rose up with a gasp.

"Are you going to leave me in here alone?"

"I'm not…not going in there" Dean said sitting down heavily sticking in his bare feet. Castiel swam over with a smile biting into his lip.

"I never knew you to be scared"

"I'm not scared"

"Well come in here"

"I'd rather keep my balls attached to my body instead of freezing"

"It isn't even that cold"

Dean watched him for a long minute before sighing long and hard struggling out of his clothes and jumping in. Castiel gasped when the water went over him and swam back looking over the water but Dean didn't rise back up.

"Dean?" he called out with a hard swallow when a hand wrapped around his ankle and he jumped kicking out till Dean rose up spluttering. "You scared me!"

"You kicked me in the eye" he scolded when Castiel hit him on the shoulder hard. Castiel hummed kicking over and pressing his lips over his eyes in a kiss before pulling away. Dean swallowed seeing his outline in the dark and trailed his hand on top of the water.

"Don't drown"

"I won't" he murmured gripping his arm and sliding them around his neck.

Dean's eyes blurred from the alcohol and he slid his hands down so they circled his waist and he smirked. He had forgotten how alcohol made Castiel a little horny and it didn't matter where he was.

"What are you doing?" Dean murmured into his ear.

"Tired" he murmured back staring up at the sky. "Dean"

"Yeah"

"What are we going to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Everything" he muttered closing his eyes.

Dean huffed softly tilting his jaw towards him eyeing him carefully. "You're not making sense"

"I know" he whispered and hummed softly when Dean pressed a kiss underneath his ear were it was most sensitive, across his jaw, forehead, nose and throat nipping at the skin and inhaling the smell of water, wine, and something salty. Dean didn't go near his lips which Castiel was not complaining about as he dozed against him.

"Come on" Dean murmured biting into his ear as he dragged him out of the water so they could dry off before freezing to death in the middle of a lake.

That's how they ended up sharing the same bed for warmth with Dean happy and content in the king bed. Castiel watched him carefully stroking his fingers down the panes of his face also tired but feeling a little more awake.

"Dean" he whispered watching him sniff deeply clearly now asleep. "Dean"

"What?" he murmured sleepily.

"I love you"

"Alright"

Castiel sighed when he snuggled deeper into the pillow wrapping his arm around him tighter completely oblivious to what had just happened. He swallowed pressing closer to him and knew what they had wasn't healthy, it would never be healthy, but it was certainly one in a million.

A/N: I don't write this, they do. They're frustrating me and I'm the writer! Did everyone see 8.07 last night? I burst into tears at the end because of emotions. This ship is sailing proud.