Title: It's All Your Fault
Author: Trance-Faith
Rating: M – suicide and suicidal tendencies.
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended. Also the song words used in this fanfic are Paramore's "emergency" and Pink's "It's all your fault".
Author's Note 1: In terms of Grey's storyline – this is set after their break up, in 7x07.
Author's Note 2: Wow! Thank you so much for the reviews and feedback from the last chapter you have no idea what it means to me!
Author's Note 3: Yes this chapter is in two parts – as far as I know this will be the last one which is split.
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Beta: No beta was used while I wrote this, so all spelling and grammar mistakes are my own.
Reviews: Are much wanted please!
I've seen you cry, way too many times, when you deserved to be alive. – Emergency by Paramore
Arizona's POV
She couldn't breathe. Her lungs weren't working probably. They felt tight, heavy and aching. They felt on fire. Her heart was racing at a gallop. The muscle felt as if it was going to explode. She couldn't, she couldn't breathe. Teddy's face kept coming in and out of focus, her mouth moving but no sound reached the panicking blonde. Maybe her body was just giving up. It had sustained too much shock and trauma and was giving up on her, refusing to work as it should.
Her mask was removed, and her breathing became a fraction easier. Her throat was hurting her. It felt raw. She was going to throw up. She had to decide whether she needed throw up or breathe. She couldn't. Her lungs wouldn't take in the oxygen they needed. The tears that fell were burning her eyes like acid. She was convinced in that second that she could drown in her own tears as they poured down her face. She could feel the darkness creeping in at the edge of her vision. She was going to pass out. She was hyperventilating. She had to calm down, stop panicking.
As if through fog she heard it. She heard the voice of a siren. She was trying so hard to reach it, to make the voice clearer. She just needed to remember to breathe properly. Why wouldn't her body just do it properly? She'd had no problem breathing her whole life why was it just giving in now? Getting her eyes to listen to the commands of her brain, she looked up into the siren's eyes.
Callie's dark tear-filled eyes, beautiful face and full lips were inches away from her own. Unlike Teddy, Callie didn't seem to fish in and out of her focus. She was content, stable and grounded. Callie's natural pull seemed to drag her in, like so many things at this moment, she had no control. As she made contact with the longer woman kneeling beside her, she managed to breathe in the scent that was Callie. It was warm and comforting. It was the essence of all that was Callie, and she clung to it as the sobs and raging breath battled her body and lungs. She clung to the calming and soothing tone of Callie's voice, and savoured the gently kisses placed on her scalp and the warm breathe that dancing in long hair. She bathed herself in the warm, need and love that poured from the Latina, and as her heavy, fast breathing started to waver she knew there was nowhere in the world, she'd rather be.
Callie's POV
The small body in her arms was trembling, and all she could do was hold on to it as tight as she could. Revel in the hum of her heart beat beneath the warm blonde's skin. She was still alive. She was still breathing. Her breath was calming down, as were the teary sobs, though the hold she had on the Latina had not lessened.
Bailey appeared beside them, though where the small woman had come from Callie wasn't sure. "Here", Bailey said passing Callie a gas mask. The look the older woman gave the two women was one a mother would give their scared child, and it melted the Ortho surgeon's heart. Taking the mask, she managed to weave it near the blonde's face, passed both women's hair and bits of clothing. "Arizona, here", Callie whispered, trying not to be too harsh on the blonde. Arizona's bloodshot eyes came into view, while a bloody gloved hand extended grabbing the small mask before pressing it to her own face. Noticing Arizona's bloody gloves she looked down at her white coat which where Arizona had previously gripping, to see a blood hand print.
"Arizona, when you're ready we'll get you checked over and you can go home okay?" Bailey's soothing, motherly voice said. The curls that had broke free of the bun she'd tied it in, bounced as she viciously nodded, still sucking in oxygen from the tank with had been set beside the two women sitting on the floor. Arizona turned head back into the crook of Callie's neck, though unlike normal the mask that was pressed so firmly to blonde's face, was also pressed into her soft skin. It didn't hurt Callie, just felt odd and unusual.
The gurney beside them started to move, and it was then Callie realised that Arizona had been operating on the bed Samantha had been laid on. Stupidity flooded her body. Of course that was what she'd have to operate on because there was no way three people could have moved her. Especially not with a gun turned on them. Arizona seemed to bodily shrink away from the moving gurney, now almost half lying on the brunette. Actually the only reason it couldn't be said that Arizona was lying on her, was that their legs had become entwined.
"No! Sam! Sam I'm sorry!" the formally armed boy screamed. Looking up Callie say Robert was now standing, being held in position by several of the dressed all in black men. Blood was travelling down his left leg, soaking through his jeans. The gunshots she had heard, believing it was Arizona who was shot, had actually been Robert. Resulting in the teenage needing to be held up. Arizona managed to grip Callie even tighter, and she heard the slight whimper fall from the blonde's lips.
Not long after Samantha's body was removed from the OR, Robert soon followed. Though he didn't so much follow, more he was half dragged, half carried. Once alone Callie managed to release the grip Arizona had on her, she was able to strip the blonde's hands of the bloody gloves, noting the difference between the dark crimson and the white porcelain of the blonde's skin. It was around this time that Arizona's breathing was back to normal, and so she had discarded the mask onto the hard ground beside them.
Callie managed to half stand before it seemed Arizona had even noticed, despite the fact the blonde was still largely attached the taller woman. Getting the smaller woman to stand was not an easy task, not that Arizona was trying to be awkward, but it just seemed that in the terror of the situation her body had frozen up. As the PEDs surgeon did stand, Callie heard various joint crack at their use. Arizona was part leaning into Callie's frame and she couldn't help but picture a similar scene two Christmases previous on their walk from the carolling, though things had been happier then.
Taking baby steps the OR seemed to span eternity. Callie was trying to walk at a pace that suited the seemingly traumatised woman, but all she wanted was to run from this building and never look back. She knew she couldn't and never would, this place had become a second home, but at least for tonight she needed to be rid of this place. The warmth radiating from the smaller body pressed against hers, reminded her, they were both alive, and she was thankful.
Just passed the doors, the two women came face to face with Bailey, who it seemed was coming to check Arizona over. "Can I just get her showered and out of these clothes", Callie asked, quite literally pleading with her eyes at the smaller woman. Bailey gave a small sympathetic nod, "Of course. When you're done go to room fifteen on that floor, and I'll see there, when I'm done". Callie gave what she hoped was a thankful nod, but was slightly surprised by the small voice that sounded from Arizona, "Thank you Miranda". The smaller surgeon looked only surprised for a moment, before giving a smile. It also looked for a second as if she was going to offer a hug to the PEDs surgeon, but thought better off it, before walking off in the opposite direction.
"Come on", Callie said the blonde who now had her head resting on her shoulder and was now walking unaided, although this wasn't stopping the Latina from having her arm wrapped around the blonde's waist. Gently leading Arizona along the corridor she felt the body next to hers freeze slightly, just for moment before the voice spoke, "Can we take the stairs?" Callie felt herself swallow the tears that instantly threatened to show themselves, as she realised that the lift was how Arizona, Samantha and Robert had gotten to this floor. "Sure. It's only one floor anyway", Callie said trying to sound nonchalant. Redirecting both women, they had a beeline for the stairs, though Callie was slightly surprised that no one else seemed to be on this floor.
Arizona had dislodged herself from the Latina when they reached the stairwell, however Callie soon felt the blonde's warm hand entwine itself tightly with her own as they made their descend to the floor below. Neither woman spoke as they took each step, all that could be heard were their shoes tapping out a rhythm which seemed to drill its way into their minds, and keep them calm. Or perhaps that was the hand, grasped to tightly in their hand.
Much like the floor above, this one was near empty. An almost graveyard like, lull hung in the air. Callie did not like it. She didn't like the hospital being so quiet. Even in the days in which she lived in the basement, the hospital above was always so noisy… and alive. The Latina managed to pull herself out of her thoughts as she pushed open the door of the changing rooms. To her relief no one else was in here. She managed to get Arizona over to the shower cubical, "Get undressed and get in and I'll get your stuff okay?" The blonde nodded, slightly lazily.
Not wanting Arizona to be alone too long, she rushed back into the locker area. Once again forgetting the blonde's locker wasn't on the front side when she opened the locker and saw things that did not belong to the small blonde. Letting out an annoyed and frustrated sigh, which was not warranted in the situation she stalked around the corner and opened the correct locker with a little more force than was needed. What her eyes fell on first made her heart skip within her chest. There standing at the front of the blonde's locker were the exact type and brand of shampoo and body wash as she herself used. Arizona very rarely used Callie's stuff, unless the shower products Arizona had brought over herself ran out, and yet here they were. Concreting in Callie's mind that Arizona had been the thief of her own little bottles. Grabbing the bottles, the towel, Arizona's street clothes, and spare bra and underwear, she closed the metal door, jogged the small distance between Arizona's locker and the showers. Though she knew before she entered the small area something wasn't right.
Arizona was still stood in her dark blue, blood splattered scrubs, just staring. She seemed to be in a trance. Walking deliberated, and touching Arizona's arm was an attempt to not startle the blonde. An attempt that failed, as Arizona span around, eyes as wide as a rabbit's in headlights. "Hey, it's only me", the brunette soothed, noting the moment Arizona realised she wasn't anyone who'd hurt her, followed by a look of slight embarrassment. "Sorry", the blonde mumbled. Callie's heart sank. Arizona was apologising for being scared. "You have nothing to be sorry her, got it?" Callie said, trying to sound nice, but also determined to get this idea into that blonde head of hers. The blonde head in question gave a small nod. "Good! I've got you, your shampoo and clothes, if you want to get in", Callie said trying to sound slightly chipper.
Arizona turned back around facing the small shower cubicle, but didn't move much further. "Arizona?" Callie asked, only getting a slight shoulder raise in response. "Do you want some help?" Callie continued. Once again the fly away curls, bounced slightly as Arizona nodded.
"Okay", Callie said, dumping the items she'd collected near the door, and stepped around the small woman and pressed on one of the showers before retreating, allowing the water to run warm. As she pulled her arm back her sleeve got caught in the spray, instantly wetting her left sleeve. "Damn it", Callie cursed, ripping up her damp sleeve, and revealing the bandage beneath it was also now damp, and it had half pealed it off in the motion. Shrugging off her coat onto the floor she allowed it to fall to the floor in a heap to deal with later. Callie heard Arizona slight gasp, as the Latina ripped the remaining bandage off. She felt all the little hairs being ripped out too, as the small pink line came into sight. It wasn't that Callie still needed the bandage; it was to keep the wound clean while she was at work, and stopped other people from seeing it. Walking around the small blonde who was now staring at her, she dropped the discarded bandage into the trash, before returning to her previous position in front of the blonde.
Taking hold of the bottom of Arizona scrub top she went to lift the material as she said, "lift" indicating the blonde to lift her arms. While the blonde carried out her task, even Callie could see the slowness in which she did it, as if her arms were made of lead. Once the soiled top was discarded, Callie bent slightly to Arizona waist bend and slipped the pants down her long legs. At any other moment, if this had meant anything else, she could have felt the stir of arousal in the pit of her stomach. The helplessness and heaviness, in which the blonde moved to remove her feet from the restricting fabric, put a halt to all of those thoughts and feelings. At the same time as the scrub pants were removed, as were the standard black shoes and socks, the sock were then rolled and stuffed into the shoes and moved out of the way.
"Step in", Callie said with a slight point to the cubicle, in which she hoped now ran warm water. The blonde did as she was told with no word of confirmation, but her movements were once again sluggish. Once in, the baby blue bra and red underwear the blonde had been wearing darkened instantly. What shocked Callie more was the instant the water hit the blonde's front, the water than ran off her, onto the tiled floor was tinted red with the blood. It only lasted for a few seconds, but it still shocked her none the less. Callie grabbed the bottle of shampoo and body wash she'd dropped by the door, and stepped in behind the small blonde. The shampoo bottle was discarded on the small shelf inside the cubicle, while she held on tight to the body wash. For a moment she contemplated whether or not she should remove the remaining of Arizona's clothing, but decided against it. They were already wet, and it was unfair on the blonde while she was in this state. She also didn't know if the resolve she had come to would hold if Arizona stood in front of her, completely naked.
Callie's hand came to rest on Arizona's shoulder, and ran the length of her arm, before turning the small hand over. Flicking the cap up on the body wash she squirted some into the blonde's hand, before saying, "You wash your front, and I'll do your back okay?" Considering in the motion she had just performed to get the wash into Arizona's hand, her front was now completely pressed into Arizona's back, meaning that when she blonde nodded she felt it, as well as saw it. As Callie moved away, she was finally gotten by the spray of water. It wasn't important, she was in scrubs and like Arizona had spare of everything in her locker.
Pouring a generous amount of the wash onto her hands, she made a small lather, before applying it to the blonde's shoulders and back. The tense muscles beneath the skin were slightly more defined than she remembered, but they flexed as always in the same way, as Callie's hands roamed over them. When Callie finished Arizona's back, she went lowers and ran her hands down the long legs, again paying more attention to the taut calf muscles. She couldn't help the slightly smile, when both legs in turn, bent at the knee, presenting her with the calf to massage. Again once she had given equal attention to both legs, she stood back up, and bodily turned the blonde to rinse her back.
When the blonde was turned and facing the Latina, she could see every drop of water travelling down her face. Wrapping her arms around the blonde's neck, she managed to pull the small scrunchie free from the long hair, and pushed it onto her own wrist. Weaving her fingers into the blonde hair, Callie was able to move the blonde's head beneath the faucet, wetting her hair completely. Once Callie was sure Arizona's hair was wet right through, she released her grip, enabling the blonde to lift her head up. With her fingers still entangled within the long, now dark blonde hair, being this close, she could almost believe things were completely normal. As she stared into the deep blue eyes before her, she realised if she moved maybe two or three inches forward she could kiss the soft lips, and rid them of the small water droplet that was hanging on the bottom one.
Arizona's head moved forward, as did her body. The blonde head came to rest lightly on Callie's shoulder, causing Callie to let out a small gasp. Arizona was literally soaking wet and pressed up against her when the blonde was in just her bra and underwear. She was human, and the action was instinct. "I'm just so tired", Arizona's voice murmured into her shoulder, practically saturated with fatigue. Placing a gently kiss just behind the ear that was inches away from her lips, Callie said, "I'll wash your hair, then get changed and get you seen by Bailey. Then home?" A small hum of agreement just reached her ears over the noise of the shower, but the blonde stood once again, and turned around.
Capping the body wash bottle it took the place of the shampoo bottle, that like the first was uncapped and its contents poured onto the Latina's hand. Once again she created a small lather between her own hands, before applying it to the long blonde hair. Once again she could believe nothing had changed as she gently ran her fingernails over the blonde's scalp, and felt Arizona familiar shiver at the act. She could believe that they hadn't broken up, that Callie hadn't slept with Mark or attempted suicide, she could believe the last three months had never happened. As Arizona leaned slightly into her, as if to get Callie to reach just the right spot, she hoped they could, rather than forgot the last three months, but accept them, and move on…together.
She manoeuvred the blonde side wards, turning her slightly, and took her place beside her. "Put your head forward, please", Callie asked, to which Arizona once again did as she was asked. Firmly but as gently as she could she ran her fingers through the soapy hair, while the water lashed down, trying to rid the blonde hair of the suds. It didn't take long.
Turning off the shower, Callie grabbed the two bottles in one hand and took Arizona by the hand waling her step down from the slightly raised shower stall. Letting go of the delicate hand in her hers she walked over the pile of assorted clothing items and picked up the fluffy towel she'd collected from Arizona's locker. The towel was nearly as long as Arizona was tall she noticed as she wrapped the item around Arizona's shoulders, giving both arms a gently rub in what she hoped as a comforting fashion. "Do you need help getting wash and dressed?" Callie asked not wanting to crowd the woman, but also offer just in case. Arizona shook her head before smiling a small smile, and saying in a small voice, "No I'm okay". Callie shot her a smile back. Neither woman's was their usual bright, sparkling smile, but it was enough. "I'm just going to get dry and changed myself okay", Callie said indicating to herself. Arizona just nodded in response. "Give me a shout if you need help, right?" the Latina said, with a clear warning in her tone. Once again, Arizona just nodded.
She picked up the dirty scrubs she taken off the blonde, and her own white coat from the floor, before turning back, just to check. "I'm good Calliope, just go", Arizona said with a slightly smile, which was a little bigger than the previous one. A smile Callie returned just as easily. Rushing from the small shower area, she noted no one else had come into the locker room since her last entry. As she walked she stripped herself of her own scrubs, dumping the dirty things into a laundry bag she had pulled from her locker. Pulling out the change in clothes she needed and a towel, she wrapped herself in the towel, while removing her own bra and underwear. Once these were removed she hurriedly and viciously dried herself, before putting on the clean underwear and bra. Despite her attempts to not over crowd the blonde, she wanted this procedure to go on for the shortest time possible. The rest of the clothes were thrown on with little care, and like the dirty items, the towel and discarded bra and underwear was dumped into the laundry bag, which was then left on the bench, for her to grab on the way out.
As she walked back to the shower room, she brushed her hair, slightly clearing her throat just before she reached the door. "You okay?" she called in. Arizona seemed to pop out of nowhere, now dressed in the clothes she's retrieved for her, but with the towel now wrapped across her shoulders, and with her own wet clothing in one hand and her shoes in the other. "Yeah. Can you do my hair for me?" the blonde asked. "Sure", the brunette said, finished flicking the brush through her own short hair.
The blonde walked barefoot over to the bench with was currently housing their wet and dirty clothes. "Just stuff anything you want washing in there", Callie said indicting the bag, which Arizona did. The blonde then slipped on her socks, and shoes without a word, but on realising that Callie was watching her said, "I didn't want my socks to get wet". The blonde's hand reached up to remove the towel from her shoulders, and just before it was pulled away, Callie said "Wait!" The change in tone, made Arizona jump slightly, a movement, no matter how small was not lost on the brunette.
Callie moved forward, and sat on the bench behind the blonde, taking the edges of the towel. As gently as she could, Callie rubbed the darkened hair with the towel, trying to ensure that Arizona's top didn't get wet. She noticed the blue top was already slightly damp on the back where the water and seeped through the towel. Once she was satisfied it was dry enough, she ran the brush through it. There were only a few knots that had built their way into her hair, and on the whole they had been easy to get rid of.
Once Arizona's hair had been completely brushed, Callie gathered it, and put it into a simple ponytail, tying it with the scrunchie from her own wrist. The hairbrush was thrown into the locker, without a care where it landed. The Latina picked up Arizona's shampoo and body wash, and walked around the corner placing them at the forefront of her blonde's locker. When she came back, she was met by Arizona's piercing gaze, which without fail always made her breathe catch in her throat. "You ready to see Bailey?" Callie managed to say, and received a nod.
Callie picked up the laundry bag and stood next to Arizona, feeling slightly nervous and unsure. Her unsettled nerves were soon forgotten as the blonde's fingers once again entwined with her own. Both women left the room for the direction of room fifteen as they had been told to do. Once again the eerily silence hung in the air, and despite knowing they were going to be okay, Callie couldn't help but remember the thick quiet that had hung in the operational gallery. She was pulled out of her thoughts by the tight grip of the hand in her own. Turning her head she saw the look of concern shining back at her. She gave a smile back, trying to reassure the other woman.
Once they slipped into room fifteen, Arizona without care climbed onto the bed. Callie as was protocol made to sit on the lone chair behind the bed, but before her backside could touch the seat, Arizona said "I don't think so Callie". Looking up slightly bemused, still in the half sitting position, she saw Arizona moved slightly to the other side, and give the space she'd just vacated a gently pat.
She couldn't help the smile that took over her face, and for the first time in three months, it was a real one. A smile she meant with all her heart. She couldn't have stood quick enough if she tried. Sitting on the side of the bed, she flicked her shoes off, lifting her legs to lie along side Arizona. It took no time at all for her shimmy into position, and Arizona in turn took hers. With her head resting on Callie's shoulder. The bed in reality was too small to hold them both, but considering how close they were, neither cared.
Callie heard, Arizona deep sigh, and couldn't help but follow suit. The Latina placed a gently kiss on the blonde hair inches away from her face, drinking in Arizona, rejoicing in the fact that she was laying in her arms again. She had honestly believed this would never happen again. Callie knew their problems were far from over, and today had none little to relieve them, add to them infact, but out of the horror and sadness of this day, she had the blonde back in her arms, and she wasn't going anywhere.