Jasper: Lillian isn't here right now, so I can do whatever damn disclaimer I want.

…. Don't kid yourself sonny. I'm always here.

Jasper: … WTF?! How did you do that?

I'm a fucking ninja. Do the disclaimer.

Jasper: This is the disclaimer.

OMG! JASPER YOU'RE LEARNING! I'm so proud of you right now!

Jasper: Thanks. ON WITH THE STORY!

-tears up- That was wonderful.

Brown. Everything here had a brown sort of look to it. I hated it. Jacob sat opposite me, engaged in current my staring contest, the last two of which he won. I was determined not to blink this time, but he was quite good.

"JAC-OMG! What the hell is she doing back here?!" Sam stopped suddenly as he rounded the shed and Jacob looked away.

"YOU FORFIET MUTLEY!" I yelled triumphantly and turned to Sam.

"The Cullen's have got their 'cousins' over. One way to provoke leech Royalty: stick Lillian in the same room. If we didn't take her they'd probably kill us all for letting her live."

"God Jacob, you make it sound as if everyone hates me."

Jacob and Sam shared a look as Seth ran in with three soda bottles. He took a look at Sam and started to turn.

"It's okay Seth, I don't feel thirsty anymore." The bike that he'd made for himself from Bella's pile of junk stood in the corner, gathering dust. I stood up and walked over to it, eager to see just what Stephanie Meyer had been thinking. It was an alright looking bike… she probably had someone else write that description, after all, why would she want to deviate from "". Mmm, why indeed.

"I don't care if you push her off a cliff, I won't blame you, Jacob." God Sam was so negative! I wasn't that bad. I spun around to face all three of them and tripped on a piece of cloth, stumbled back and fell backwards over the bike.

"Ow." I muttered, standing back up. "Before I was rudely interrupted in my impressive turn by Jacob's filthy garage floor, I was about to say: This isn't half as bad as what I can act. Should I go into fan mode?" I was hoping they said no… or yes, it really didn't matter, I was going to anyway. They'd be begging me to go back to normal, and then I'd be a fanly girl for a few more days… this would work wonders on Edward's emotional destabilization. HA ALICE! You stupid future reading loser, you can't see what I'm going to do. I smirked.

"Can you just act… you know, normal, for once? That'd be nice."

"But there's no fun in that for me." They'd spoken, time to turn on the fanliness. Deep, quick breathing. Chest moving to compensate for idiotness. Hand waving face. "OMGILIEKTOTALLYLOVEYOUWOLVES! I don't care what the stupid vampires say, you are like… my favourite people." I ran and jumped on Jacob, hugging him tightly. "We're gonna get married, an have wolf babies, and live with Billy…. Your dad is Billy right?"

"Saaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaam?"

"Sam can be your best man at the wedding. Can we back it woodsy color themed? Like brown and tan and OMG RUSSET! Just like your wolf color!" I closed my eyes and squeeled in his ear. "THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST DAY OF OUR LIVES!""SAM FOR GOD SAKE STOP LAUGHING! HELP ME!"

Sam and Seth had collapsed and were rolling around holding their sides. My plan was perfect. "I'm going to go talk to Billy. Do you think he'll want to be the ring bearer?"

"I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU! Hell, I don't even like you."

"That's okay my snookie wookums sweetie pie, we've got forever to get to know each other." I smiled satisfactorily before I turned and skipped up to the house and pushed open the door like I owned this house too.

"CHAR- … no, wrong person. BILLY! Guess what, I'm going to be your daughter in-law! Isn't that exciting? Now, I want to talk to you about the color scheme, Jacob is a little bit… well, he's a boy, what does he know?"

Billy looked at me from his position in front of some fishing show with a mix of horror and something that I may have confused with wanting to kill himself. I sat down on the couch and leant back.

"Don't worry, I'm not really going to marry him. I'd prefer someone a little more… human. Y'know? Unless it's Aro. That vampire is goddamn sexy!" Billy looked slightly relieved and turned back to his show. I stood up and went to the window that had a full view of the shed.

"SNOOKUMS! BILLY SAID HE LIKES THE COLOR SALMON! WHAT DO YOU THINK?!"

"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Jacob went to leap out of the shed but Sam grabbed him by the waist and dragged him backwards. "DON'T AGREE DAD! DON'T AGRE-" He was silenced and I closed the window, still smirking and went back to Billy, who'd changed the channel to baseball.

"The Cullen's play baseball when there's a thunderstorm." The channel changed. "I know, kinda lame right? Ha."

There was silence in the house while the sky outside got dark. Jacob came in for a moment, looked at me, spoke to Billy and left about an hour ago. The fishing channel was still on.

"Do you know how to drive?" He finally turned to me.

"Do I ever! Have you got a Mercedes?"

Billy frowned quizzically. "No, want to go to Charlie's?"

"DO I EVER!" I yelled enthusiastically, grabbing the handles on his wheelchair and forcing myself not to run to the van. Billy got himself in and I ran around to the driver's side and jumped in.

"CharlieCharlieCharlieCharlie!!!!"

"Alright, let's go." I pulled out quicker than I thought the van could move and Billy and I both sat a little shocked for a minute.

"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US?!" He yelled.

"No, I thought this van was slow as shit."

"Please… drive carefully."

"That's what Charlie said last time." I'd already started driving again as Billy looked at me fear-stricken.

"LAST TIME?!"

"Last time I was in a Mercedes… Carlisle's Mercedes." I tightened my fingers around the steering wheel just remembering that wonderful speed. I smiled, Billy grabbed hold of the dashboard and that little handle above the door.

"Please don't kill us."

"I doubt it. I'm from Australia."

"What does that have to do with driving?"

"Well…. Nothing, but I'm awesome."

"Again, what's it got to do with driving?"

"Nothing."

"Where did you get your driver's license?"

I turned to Billy seriously. "What driver's license?"

Billy's eyes turned to platters. I laughed. "Calm down. I do know how to drive." As if to illustrate my point, I made a perfect gear change as we hit the highway into Forks.

"I might just start believing in God when all this is over."

I pressed down on the accelerator and gripped the steering wheel tightly. "Why does no-one trust me?!" Billy's grip on his saving graces tightened. We zoomed past the 'Welcome to Forks' sign.

"I can't believe no-one trusts me." Zoomed through the main street, it was pretty much empty, and we got both green lights! "I've survived gay-ass sparkly "vampires"." I took my hands off the wheel to emphasis the "vampire" part and Billy grabbed the steering wheel. I glared at him. We entered the residential area. "I've maintained awesomeness in this backwards shitty world, and NO-ONE TRUSTS MY GODDAMN DRIVING!" As soon as I Charlie's house I hoped to hell what I was about to do would work. I slammed on the brakes, pushed that emergency brake thing down and pulled on the steering wheel. The van's rear slid out behind us and connected with an ice patch. The van did a full 360 degrees after that and stopped on the nature strip in front of Charlie's house. The driver's side tilted a little, but slammed back onto the ground. I turned to Billy cheerfully.

"We're here!"

Charlie came running from the house, his hair was a mess and he was wearing some baseball team jacket.

"Hi Charlie." I waved merrily to him as I walked past him and slipped up the stairs. All this time and I still hadn't gotten any shoes. Whatever. I walked into the living room and turned on some music channel while Charlie and Billy went into the kitchen.

"SHE TRIED TO KILL US!"

I'd gotten bored with the music and entered the kitchen. Charlie glared at me, Billy leant back in his wheelchair trying to put more distance between us. I went to the fridge and pulled out a juice carton and an apple. "Edible art." I snickered and walked back into the living room, unscrewed the juice cap and sat down in the chair to face Charlie's widescreen.

From the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of white as some cartoon did something stupid on the TV. I turned to look at the new object of interest and saw Charlie's phone. Long distance, or the Cullens…. I couldn't leap across the lounge room quick enough. I snatched up the phone and slunk up the stairs to Bella's old room and punched in the Cullen's number.

Ring. Ring.

Ring. Ring.

Ring. Ring.

Maybe Aro was smashing the phone with a broom or something… Ri- "Hello?" OMGITWASARO!

"Hi Aro."

"What are you doing?"

"Drinking juice. What are you wearing?"

"…. What?"

"I said WHAT ARE YOU doing?"

"Speaking with Carlisle."

"Now?"

"No, he's gone to talk to Edward or something."

"Oh, that's cool." I took a swig from the juice.

"What's it like being a vampire?"

"What?"

"What's it like being a vampire?"

"Uhhh…. Cold, I guess."

"Thank you, we now have a firm grasp of the obvious. Do you like being a vampire?"

"Where is this coming from?"

"Nonchalance and ingenuity, do you like being a vampire?"

"I do."

"Why did you let Bella live?"

"I wanted her gifts."

"That's what he said."

"What?"

"Nothing! Are you going to turn me?"

"No."

"Dangit."

"LILLIAN!" Charlie's voice rose from the living room.

"Shit, they've noticed I'm missing."

"Who's-"

"Later. Bye Aro. I still love you."

I hung up the phone and quickly pretended I'd just come out of the bathroom.

"YES CHARLIE?!"

He appeared at the bottom of the stairs as I took another drink and smiled at him.

"Umm… nothing." Charlie turned around and disappeared back into the kitchen. I went back into Bella's room and hit redial.

Ring. Rin-

"Hello?"

"Are you always this excited to talk to me?"

"What?"

"Nothing. The human's have been placated. The plan is in progress… um, Aro?"

"Yes?"

"I might probably most likely have accidentally told Charlie that Bella is a vampire… actually, I pretty much told him they were all vampires."

A sigh came from Aro.

"It's alright, I made an excuse. You're secret is probably still safe."

Another sigh. "Where are you?"

"Not with you."

"Obviously, but where are you?"

"On the other end of the phone line."

Everything was silent for a moment.

"Aro?"

"Yes?"

"I'm at Charlie's house… well, I was at Billy's house, but he got me to drive to Charlie's. I don't know where the dog-"

"DAD! DAD!"

"Nevermind, the dog is here as well." A door slammed downstairs and I heard voices.

"I've gotta go. Bye."

The phone disappeared into the drawer and I quickly stood at the window, looking out over Charlie's yard and into the forest. I had the juice carton at my mouth when the door swung open and Charlie and Jacob barrelled into the room. I turned to them and finished my mouthful.

"Everything alright?"

Jacob was breathing heavily.

"I've got a great idea for my wedding dress Jacky pie." Jacob left so quickly you could almost see the air disturbance. Charlie blinked a few times.

"Can I take a nap in here?"

He blinked a few more times, closed the door and I waited until the TV turned back to sport before I got the phone out again.

Ring. Ring.

Ring. R-

"Do you want to talk to Bella?"

Shit, Ho-salie knew Charlie's number. I hung up.

…

…

Redial.

Ring. Ring.

Ri-

"Charlie, are you okay?"

Stupid mole. "Mmmhm." I tried to make my voice as deep as possible.

"Are you sure?"

"A little sick." Again, I tried to make my voice as deep as possible, as well as American and sickly.

"BELLA! YOUR HUMAN FATHER IS SICK!"

"NO! FUCK! I'm sorry. Put Aro on."

"LILLIAN?!"

She seemed genuinely surprised.

"Who else would it be?"

"Ummm, Charlie. You know, since it's his phone line."

"… Oh yeah. Put Aro on."

"No. Why aren't you at the mutt's house?"

"Well, I turned all fan girly for Jacob, then spent some time with Billy and he wanted to come to Charlie's house. So he made me drive here and then he accused me of trying to kill him and so I rang your house and spoke to Aro."

Rosalie had been trying to get in a word, but I hadn't let her. I smirked as she stumbled over her words for a moment. "YOU SPOKE TO ARO?!"

"Twice. He's really nice."

"You really are a fucking idiot."

"And you really are blonde."

"… The blonde jokes are old. Get some new material."

"So that means no blonde jokes?"

"Lillian, get off the phone."

"Oh, hai Charlie! She rang me."

"I DID NOT!"

"Lillian?"

"WOOO! ARO LEARNT HOW TO PICK UP A PHONE!"

"GET OFF LILLIAN!"

"She rang me Charlie. Send her back to Billy's house."

"Why did you-"

"SHUT UP!"

"HEY, this is my-

"-and then we'll talk about-"

"I LOVE CACTUS!"

"LILLIAN GET OFF THE PHONE!" All three of them yelled it this time, only Charlie had actually come into the room and was yelling at me. He grabbed the phone I had, pulled it away and turned into the phone he had. "I'm sorry. Goodbye." He turned to me. "Can you just stay out of trouble for one day?"

I was taking a drink and shook my head. To my utter surprise, Charlie snapped on a set of cuffs before I could retaliate.

"What the hell?"

"I think a cell at the station is the only way to stop you from getting into trouble."

A pause.

"Can I take the juice?"

He ran a hand down his face. "Yes. Fine."

"And can I keep my shoelaces?"

He looked down at my feet. "You aren't wearing shoes."

"That doesn't answer my question, Charlie."

"Yes, you can keep your laces."

"Okay. Let's go." I jumped up, grabbed the apple and walked out ahead of Charlie. I trotted downstairs, into the living room and looked at Jacob and Billy.

"I'm going to spend the night in a jail cell. See you tomorrow." Then I walked out to the cruiser. Charlie followed the whole way.

"Can I have the juice cap?"

"Where is it?"

"In my pocket."

Charlie's mouth thinned and he closed his eyes for a moment. His breath out was shaky.

"Yes. You can have the juice cap." He opened the back door and I slid in. This was so cool. I was riding in a POLICE CAR! Charlie looked at my feet again and ran inside for a moment after he shut the door. No precautions. When he came back out he was holding a pair of shoes and socks.

I didn't get the shoes and socks until we got to the station… and I was put in the cell. Then Charlie left and I was all alone.

"Oh, this kinda sucks. I don't want to be here alone." I put the socks and shoes on and rubbed my wrists. Charlie had taken the cuffs off and put a whole bunch of blankets on the weird concrete bed.

"Yeah… Charlie, I don't think so." As a child I'd been good as escapism and slipping through cracks. Now wasn't really any different. It was like that old hag's fence when I'd lost my basketball. In and out. Except this time it was just out. I'd sort of obey the Cullen's this time. Outside I turned to the way we'd come and started walking.

10 hours of walking/running later

Dawn was breaking through the clouds by the time I emerged from the forest and into Billy's yard. Why the hell did he have to live so far away! I stumbled around the back, to the shed, and kicked off the shoes before I collapsed on the couch and cuddled myself. It was a long, cold, exhausting walk and I fell asleep quickly.

There you have it. Update number… 25 now? Wow, this has come a long way from an idiotic attempt at humour. I thank those that have come all this way from chapter one, to those that reviewed, to those that just read it. Without your support I probably would have stopped at five chapters. I hope our strange relationship continues to the end (will there even be one of those?) of this story.