I will be going on another little hiatus come Christmas morning - we're heading up north to ski and be with extended family for a week, so don't expect anything from me for a while. The nature of this visit, however, is good for a bit of writing (Last year it spawned "Insufferable" and "Turn of Events" alone!) though it probably won't be Breakroom-related. One-shots are good for the soul. Maybe I'll try something that -isn't- Gojyo-and-Hakkai-centric. Lawks!
Anyway, in celebration of this event, our new buzzword is: chimney. Have fun with that one, folks. Notes to my reviewers at the end.
Somewhere, the gentle jingle of shining bells breaks the silence. The bells jingle again, glinting in the soft, yellow light of the apartment. They bounce against a soft, knitted, green sweater as the bearer moves about with cheerful abandon, chorusing with every footstep.
Hakkai hums to himself as he holds the bells with one hand and uses the other to open the oven, checking on a sumptuous roast. The smell of it escapes through the open door and fills the breakroom with heat and spices. He nods to himself, shuts the oven door, and then turns to the stove. His white hands are red at the knuckles from chopping, mixing, heating, washing, cooling, drying, tossing, straining, peeling, decorating, and all-around working in the kitchen all morning. The sleeves of his green sweater are shoved up past his elbows, and the cuffs of the white Oxford shirt he wears under the sweater are rolled back behind his wrists. A fluffy Santa hat perches on his head, the ball of which is adorned with yet another bell. He dips a finger into the cranberry sauce and takes a taste, then shakes his hand to cool the burned skin. The bells jingle brightly with this extra movement.
Gojyo stamps in through the front door, stripping himself of boots and vest at the blast of heat. Sweat prickles on his already-warm skin, as he has just come in from a day in the desert. When he sees Hakkai in a sweater, he asks, "You sick?"
Hakkai turns with a benevolent smile and descends upon Gojyo with a kiss to the end of his nose. "Of course not, Gojyo!" he responds, and points upward. "Don't you think that's a good way to keep Goku out of the kitchen while I'm still working?"
Gojyo looks up and squints at a dangling, green mass, still dazed by Hakkai's burst of affection. "Um. He's allergic to weeds?"
For just an instant, there is a flicker of disappointment in Hakkai's face. Then, he brightens again and says, "I don't think so. It's mistletoe, Gojyo. When two people meet under it, they kiss. I thought you knew."
Gojyo rubs the back of his head. "So that's what that was? I think I'll warn everybody when they get in." Hakkai smiles and dashes away to lean over the stove once again. Gojyo leans against the counter, not moving an inch from where he is standing. "Oi, are you sure you're okay? You're in a sweater and it's a billion degrees in here. And...you're cooking all of this stuff..." He takes a bit of a step back. "Something wrong? Is it contagious? Should I leave you alone? D'you want liquor? Should I get Yaone? Yaone should know what to do, right?"
Hakkai laughs and comes again to Gojyo, taking the redhead's hands in his own. "You really don't know what today is, do you?" He kisses Gojyo's nose again, causing the redhead to take a few steps back, away from the mistletoe. At Gojyo's obvious ignorance, Hakkai sighs a bit and continues, "December twenty-fourth. Or thereabouts. Christmas Eve."
Gojyo blinks, stymied for a few seconds. Then, realization dawns. "Um. Hakkai? You're the only Christian in here. Wait. You're not even one, right? Hakkai?"
The brunette shakes his head. "No, Gojyo, there is much more to Christmas than the religion. We have capitalism to thank for that." He pauses to chuckle in a way that gives Gojyo foreboding chills. "Christmas is also about family, and food, and giving to one another. This sweater is important to me, so I wear it."
"Matches your emeralds," Gojyo responds weakly, eliciting a laugh from Hakkai. "And the hat?"
Hakkai reaches up and pets the fur. "A symbol of the severe degradation the religious celebration has suffered at the hands of a free-market economic system spattered with such highlights as the advent of Barbie, Chia Pets, the Pet Rock, and Tickle Me Elmo." He takes it off and rams it down over Gojyo's hair. "It suits you better, I think."
Gojyo reaches up and situates the hat so it doesn't come down over his eyes. He is about to scramble for a response when a timer dings and Hakkai rushes back into the kitchen with a cry of, "Oh! The roast should be about ready! I do hope Sanzo and Goku show up so we might all eat together." He opens the oven door and checks the thermometer protruding from the hunk of muscle. "It needs a few more minutes," he comments, shutting the oven door.
Gojyo looks past Hakkai into the kitchen, stunned at the array of warmers, pan-holders, tea cozies, crock-pots and various microwave-safe containers that litter the countertops. A glance at the wall outlet brings to his eyes a strip of extensions crammed full of plugs upon plugs that trail in sinuous dark lines to various appliances, all of which are in use. Hakkai slides into Gojyo's field of vision, passing him a cup of what appears to be off-white milk. Gojyo takes a sip and makes a face.
"This stuff sucks without alcohol in it," he gripes. Hakkai merely smiles with infinite patience and benevolence, transformed into the spirit of Christmas himself for this day. Gears begin turning inside of Gojyo's head. "Uh. You know, even with the saru on an empty stomach, there's no way we're gonna be able to finish eating all of this."
"I know," responds Hakkai. He wipes his forehead with his sleeve, tossing his hair from his eyes and bending again into the oven. "Not yet," he mutters to himself, and shuts the door. For respite, he opens the refrigerator on the pretense of grabbing a few more carrots to chop. He leans into it for far longer than necessary, but soon returns to his duties.
The bell on Hakkai's hat jingles loudly. Hakkai looks over to Gojyo with an eyebrow quirked. Gojyo grins guiltily. "Don't know how you stand this thing," he says, shoving his hand further into the hat. "Itches like crazy."
In response, Hakkai shakes the bells around his neck. The lock slides back and the front door opens to reveal Sanzo and Goku in reasonably high spirits. The smell of blood and sweat taints the air around them; a very cathartic battle had taken place in which Sanzo played neither hostage nor damsel in distress. Fortuitous indeed, and enough to force Sanzo into a pleased, straight-backed stride despite his weariness.
Goku, upon entering, takes a big breath and exclaims, "What smells so good? I'm starving!" He moves to dash into the kitchen and position himself underfoot when Gojyo reaches out and grasps his shoulder.
"What are you doing?" Goku says, trying to wriggle out of his grasp. Gojyo points upward. Goku looks, and wrinkles his nose. "Eew! Hakkai, we've got mold!"
Hakkai laughs. "That's not mold, Goku, that's mistletoe."
Sanzo quirks an eyebrow. "Where did you get that?"
"Homura," responds Hakkai over his shoulder. "He has an amazing talent for growing anything with roots. Funny, that."
"What's mistletoe?" asks Goku. To Gojyo, he comments, "Nice hat," with a snicker.
"A leech, basically," Sanzo deadpans. "Used around a certain December holiday to make unwitting people involve themselves in indecent physical contact while in the presence of others. It advocates the swapping of bacteria and viruses that exist in sapient saliva, among other unsavory practices."
Gojyo recoils, stung by Sanzo's words. He pulls Goku closer and adopts a look of confidentiality. "What the monk is trying to say, Goku," Gojyo intones, "is that when two people meet under mistletoe, they mack on each other like there's no tomorrow." He lets go of Goku's shoulder and puts his hands on his hips. "Well, what do you know? Look who's under the mistletoe, Hakkai!"
Without looking up, Hakkai murmurs, "If you want to play with a three-foot radius, so are you, Gojyo."
The three of them jump back, leaving Hakkai to chuckle into his cranberry sauce. He looks over to the oven with a smile, and slips his red hands into a pair of oven mitts that look suspiciously like reindeer. With red pom-poms for noses.
"Ah," he announces. "It's done."
No amount of mistletoe can keep Goku from jumping into the kitchen upon that announcement, and he kisses Hakkai with a little jump before bouncing around the brunette, trying to sneak tastes. Hakkai chuckles with affection, though he does nudge Goku in less-obtrusive directions every once in a while. It is this fantastic, childish spirit about Goku that remains even after he is wizened by smutfic after smutfic. The vitality in Goku always remains, reawakened by good food and good company. Hakkai gives him a bowl and a potholder and says, "If you would like to help, please fill this with the cranberry sauce. No tasting, Goku."
The boy pouts, but Hakkai stands firm until he relents, and goes about getting the sugary goop into the bowl. Sanzo stands back and lights up a cigarette with nary a glance to the hole in the ceiling where the last unfortunate smoke alarm had been. Hakkai is too good a cook to need one, anyway.
There comes a knock at the door. Hakkai smiles indulgently into the roast while absently popping Goku's hand with the flat of his knife for trying to sneak a few cranberries. "Gojyo, would you please get that for me?"
Gojyo raises his eyebrows, naturally distrustful of a smiling man with a butcher knife. "You expecting someone?" When Hakkai shakes his head and chuckles, Gojyo shrugs and goes to the door, opening it all the way. He stumbles back a few feet when three voices crash into a discordant rendition of "Jingle Bells".
"Hakkai!" he cries, and throws his head back to laugh, letting the party in. Still singing, Goku, Kenren, and Tenpou parade into the apartment. Konzen follows a few feet behind, utterly silent but with the strain of muscles in his face that show he is forcing down a smile.
As the three continue their song, the others realize that Kenren and Tenpou tried their best to teach the words to Goku-chan, with little success. However, when the little one sings, "Inna one war soap pens rake!" they all applaud while biting back their laughter.
"So," Gojyo says, leaning against the kitchen counter, "You guys just happened to feel like stopping by, hm?"
Tenpou nods. "By all means. This is a happy coincidence."
"Free food," adds Kenren.
Tenpou chuckles. "Indeed, a Christmas miracle." He looks around for a moment, then clears his throat. "Goku, did you forget something?"
Goku-chan blinks for a few seconds, then says, "No, Ten-chan, I remembered to wash my hands." He nods vigorously, mussing his hair against Sanzo's robe. With both arms firmly locked around the monk, he gives Tenpou the most innocent look he can muster.
Goku, finally managing to get all of the cranberry sauce free from the pan, hops out of the kitchen and tickles his counterpart under the arms. "Come on, you. Uh. Come on, me. I got a job for you. Mistletoe immunity with this one," he wisely adds, leading Goku-chan into the kitchen and letting the kid busy himself with unstacking plastic cups for Goku to fill with virgin eggnog. Under Hakkai's watchful eye, they manage to keep the catastrophe count at one. And that one is Gojyo's fault anyhow.
"Oh, is that what that is?" asks Kenren, innocuously sidling over to the entrance to the kitchen with his eyes on the ceiling. "And here I'd never noticed."
Gojyo gives a loud, facetious laugh. Tenpou himself chuckles and leans against the counter next to Gojyo. "You know, Taishou, Hakkai will never get the roast out to the starving masses if you're in his way."
In response, the man shrugs and eases himself lecherously against the wall. "Tradition calls."
Hakkai murmurs something to himself. Gojyo squeaks, startling Goku-chan and causing the boy to upend the two full cups he had clasped in his hands. Goku dives for some paper towels to sop up the mess and ends up getting quite sticky himself. Gojyo pays this no mind, focusing on the epiphany at hand. "You didn't."
Hakkai looks up with a small, harrowed smile. He scoots out of the way so Goku can shove Goku-chan under the tap. "Of course I did. What sort of person would I be, excluding them?"
"Please tell me..." Gojyo looks at Hakkai with pleading eyes, gripping the edge of the counter with white-knuckled hands. Goku-chan laughs uproariously, struggling in Goku's hold and effectively soaking them both. Konzen and Sanzo exchange a bit of a meaningful look. Sanzo growls and grabs Goku by the collar, yelling at him to get a change of dry clothes for them both. Goku obliges, dragging Goku-chan along by the hand.
Hakkai shakes his head. "Homura respectfully declined." He holds his hands up, forgetting that in one of them is the butcher knife and in the other is the meat fork. Gojyo jumps back as the sharp objects whir past his face, and Hakkai apologizes again. "Yes, I invited them. I have no idea what came over me. Except perhaps a bit of neighborly camaraderie. He has been very nice to us." Hakkai's look is admonishing.
Gojyo looks away, muttering, "Yeah, well, it's weird having those guys around. Gods, you know?"
"Hm. Like us?" asks Tenpou, sliding smoothly into the conversation. Two resonant slaps in the background signal the discarding of wet clothes into the shower stall.
Gojyo jumps. "Uh. Not like that!" Tenpou rather enjoys disarming Gojyo, and takes this moment to revel in it. Muffled laughter from Goku's bedroom echoes in the wake of Gojyo's cry. Gojyo turns from Tenpou back to Hakkai. He points at the astounding array of food that is beginning to look smaller and smaller. "But still. How is that possibly gonna - "
Gojyo is cut off by another knock. Kenren, closest to the door, opens it.
"Happy Holidays, everyone!" greets Yaone. Behind her are Lirin, Kougaiji, and Dokugakuji. The two men balance huge, steaming pots of food in their arms, and Lirin, insofar as it is possible, is flourishing the turkey.
Gojyo and Kenren entertain fleeting mental images of Yaone elbow-deep in poultry and little else. Euphemisms fail. It does not help that Yaone has exchanged her usual costume for a sheer white sweater and a candy-cane-striped miniskirt. Without all that flying cloth in the way, her silhouette is blatantly and domestically evident.
Kougaiji narrows his eyes, effectively elbowing Gojyo and Kenren's respective libidos in the gut. Hakkai, mindful but selectively ignorant, smiles through all of this. "Ah, hello, Yaone-san! Happy holidays to you as well. Please, bring the food in here and the two Gokus will help you with anything you need. Starting with that mistletoe. Somebody remove it, please, I think we've had enough of it for today." He turns to Gojyo with a satisfied grin and says, "That's how."
Feeding such a mass of people, even with the reinforcements Yaone has brought to aid Hakkai, is a long and arduous process. The tenuous hold on order in the line wavers often, and the only thing that keeps the group from disbanding into chaos is the collective growling of empty stomachs.
Still, Kenren and Gojyo find time to spike the eggnog. Hakkai immediately notices, his radar going off at the slightest insinuation of mischief, but instead of pouring out the whole batch he simply nudges the two Gokus and Lirin away from the bowl, discouraging the idea of refills.
Sanzo, starved in fiction over and over, eats a great amount, though not with any speed. This is leisure, as Gojyo and Goku fight over a morsel that could be given them again in ten times the volume if only they would ask Hakkai. That defeats the principle of it, and so they continue to squabble. It escalates when Lirin sets her eyes on a slice of meat at which Goku's fork is aimed, but Hakkai dives in with the butcher knife, playing King Solomon and startling the two enough that they each keep the half they are given with no further comment.
Because there is no real dining table, they all eat cloistered around either the kitchen counter or in the den area with plates propped on the coffee table. Konzen is seated on one of the couches, and as he leans to place his cup on the table, the legs of his pants ruck up. Goku-chan gasps.
"Konzen! What happened to your leg?"
"A skiing accident. It's nothing." Konzen pushes his pant legs back down, but not before Goku-chan has gotten a really good look.
Goku-chan throws his arms open, waving them in a circle for effect. "That bruise is huge! ...Wait. Konzen, what's skiing?" Doku's laughter rings after the question in response to Kougaiji's comment on the mastery Hakkai brings from the kitchen to the dining table. Lirin sticks out her tongue and is promptly popped in the back of the head by her elder brother.
Tenpou grins. "Ah, the vagaries of seasonal fiction. Goku, skiing is when a person stands on two slats of wood and lets gravity pull him down a snowy mountain at quite the fair turn of speed."
Kenren snorts into his "happy" 'nog. "I was in that one, too. Konzen here did a flying Wallenda off of the ski lift and banged his shin on some poor unsuspecting snowboarder tryin' to get his bindings on. Must have been something to knock you through your boots like that."
The blonde looks away, busying himself with a mouthful of turkey. Somewhere in the kitchen, Hakkai again shoos Goku away from the bowl of eggnog. Gojyo snickers and Sanzo rolls his eyes, refilling his own cup for the third time.
When the meal is finally finished, decimating all of the culinary masterwork past the point of even hoping for leftovers, the group crowds around the couches, maintaining conversation and trying to keep comfortable. There is not space for everyone, though, and so some lean against the kitchen counter and others make use of furniture not normally meant to bear such weight.
Lirin perches on the coffee table (as she has been repeatedly expelled from Sanzo's shoulders), and the dishes, for now, sit forgotten in the sink. She cocks her head to the side. "So, hey, what's this whole thing for anyway?"
Hakkai smiles. "Christmas."
Kenren pokes Tenpou. "Should we take offense?" he jests gruffly.
Gojyo laughs. "We've been through that mess. This ain't about religion so much as...uh...as..."
"As family," says Yaone softly. From her position on the couch, flanked by Kougaiji and a standing Dokugakuji, she is very small indeed. Yaone learned first about Christmas from Hakkai, through the books he has lent to her and the conversations that followed. Tenpou learned about it in much the same way. They all depended on Hakkai for the original knowledge, but now each one applies their own nuances of meaning to the holiday. "It is an excuse to come together and be with one another for the sake of it."
Hakkai smiles. "Well-put, Yaone-san. Of course, I'm sure you are wondering why Gojyo and I are wearing bells."
"He caught me unawares, that's how," Gojyo mutters, and Kenren snorts into his hand.
"That as it may be," continues Hakkai, "there is a reason for it. The universal mascot for Christmas is Santa Claus. He comes from various stories handed down from generation to generation, from Knight Ruppert to Black Peter to the symbol that he is now. He is a rather rotund, elderly man in red furs with white trim. He has a hat much like the one Gojyo is wearing, and on Christmas Eve he comes down the chimneys of every good child in the world and brings them presents."
This statement, predictably enough, causes an uproar. Some are horrified at the thought of a man sliding into their house at night, some scoff at the ability of some fat old guy making it to every house in the world in one night, and still others perk up at the word "presents". Hakkai is very glad he had decided to omit the part about flying reindeer with fluorescent noses.
Once everybody stops talking all at once, Goku asks again, "Wait. So this guy doesn't get arrested? That's breaking and entering times a gazillion!"
Hakkai laughs. "No, Goku. He is given some license to act outside of the law on Christmas Eve."
Lirin cocks her head to the side. "What if you're bad?"
"Worried?" asks Kenren, earning him a swift kick from Tenpou. Undaunted, Kenren continues, "What I wanna know is, how does he know?"
Gojyo coughs into his hand, the expulsion sounding strangely like "Pedophile!"
Hakkai sighs. "Now, now, flawed as the concept may be, Santa Claus exists in the minds of millions of children all around the world, Christian or not. If a child is good, he receives presents come Christmas morning. If he is bad, he gets a lump of coal."
Gojyo laughs and holds up two fingers. "One," he says, ticking off one of the fingers, "that's bribery. Two, you're teaching bad little children how to become arsonists. That's what the tree's for, isn't it?"
Hakkai fights the impulse to smack his own forehead. Tenpou chuckles and comes to his rescue. "No, Gojyo, although I'm sure they've gone up in flames in some households at least once. The tree is just a decoration, with nothing to do with Santa Claus, or whether or not a child is good or bad. The tradition started with the Egyptians and their worship of evergreens. During the winter, they would bring palms into their houses in hopes of a green spring. Romans adopted this practice as well, and gave presents to one another in hopes of prosperity in the following spring. Martin Luther was the one that actually tied the practice into the Christmas tradition, at once bringing the evergreen tree indoors and adding to the impetus to give presents. One puts presents under the canopy of the tree to protect the spoils of the next spring from harm. The tree is a symbol of flourishing life in a bleak time, as Christ was born and as the tree is green in winter. It is the hope for a green spring, a prosperous lifetime, and a sweet afterlife."
There is a beat of silence.
Two beats.
Kenren pokes Tenpou. "Damn, is that what you read all day?"
Tenpou smiles. "One picks these things up."
Goku leaps to his feet, this movement saved only by Sanzo catching the ashtray Goku nearly knocked over. "Hey! We don't have a tree! That means next year is gonna suck!"
Gojyo snorts. "Eh, no worries, saru, we'll manage well enough."
"Didn't you hear?" Goku points to Tenpou. "We gotta have a tree!" His eyes suddenly light with an idea. "Wait. Wait! I got it. Hold on!" With that, Goku rushes from the room.
In his absence, Goku-chan tugs on Konzen's robe. "Hey, Konzen? I've been good, right? Am I going to get presents, huh? Konnnzennn..."
Similarly, Lirin bats her eyes at Kougaiji. The handsome youkai quirks an eyebrow. "What could you possibly want from an old, fat surveillance nut?"
Lirin gives the only answer that could be expected from a vibrant, youthful female. "A pony!"
As Lirin laughs, pleased with herself, little Goku tugs again on Konzen's robe. "Hey! D'you think Santa could bring me a pony too? Or...or a puppy? A puppy! Konzen, can I have a puppy?"
Hakkai smiles into the full force of Konzen's sardonic "Thanks so much, really."
Dokugakuji glances over at Kougaiji with a grin. Both remain silent even as Lirin, who might take a dragon out for a spin any time she likes, continues to wheedle about a pony.
Goku trots back into the living room, a huge smile on his face. In front of him, he holds Homura's potted fern in both hands. The plant, under Goku's attentive care and Hakkai's periodic intervention, has maintained a reasonable level of health. The fronds are vibrant and curling over Goku's wrists. "See? It's green! In winter! And it was a present."
He sets the fern down on the coffee table in front of Lirin. Hakkai smiles. "That's...very good, Goku. You've got the concept, at least."
"What an idiot," mutters Sanzo, but halfheartedly.
"It's absolutely darling," says Yaone, unable to help herself. "We'll have a fantastic year, now."
The top of Goku's head threatens to fall off as he beams under the compliment.
"But..." begins Goku-chan. Konzen shoots him an admonishing look, but the question comes out before the boy can stop himself. "Where's the puppy?"
Goku's face falls, but before he can react further, there come three knocks on the door. And three more. And five following. The familiar cadence is at once foreboding and amusing, as Hakkai goes to the door to greet the newest arrivals.
The biggest Original Character he has ever seen stumbles into the room, tugging at his false white beard and dragging a huge, red bag behind him. Before anyone else, Goku-chan recognizes the hat, squeals, and ducks behind Konzen in a mixture of excitement and the acute fear experienced by anybody under the age of fifteen when confronted with a man they have been told can see them when they're sleeping.
"It's SANTA!!"
Lirin, immune to such bounds as fear and protocol, hops up and stares "Santa" in the eye despite their difference in height. The OC tries to look as jolly as possible, and fails rather miserably.
"Holiday bonuses from the administration," he rumbles, reciting rote from a memorized script. "Please enjoy our gifts to you."
With this, he swings the bag out in front of him, opens it, and begins passing out brightly-wrapped packages to everyone in the room. When he gets to Goku-chan, the boy pops his head out and cries, "Is it a puppy?"
"Santa" passes the package to him with a shrug and moves on. When he gets to Gojyo, the kappa holds his leg out to prevent his passage.
"Oi, where's the holiday spirit?" he asks, flicking the bell on Hakkai's Santa hat.
"Santa" furrows his mighty brow and responds, "I'm Jewish."
This admission provokes another uproar. Some ask what the funny word means, others laugh in understanding, and still more inquire as to why this should make any difference. Goku-chan, headmaster of the first group, tugs on Konzen's sleeve to no avail. He turns imploringly to Hakkai, who rubs the back of his head.
"Long story, Goku-chan..."
"That we can save for next year," Yaone cuts in, eliciting a sigh of relief from those steeling themselves for another seasonal lesson. Yaone tactfully implements a favored maneuver when dealing with those younger than she. "Why don't you open your present?"
As Goku-chan tears into the wrapping, Gojyo jerks a thumb over to the bowl of eggnog. "Help yourself, buddy. Look like you need it." He winks at "Santa" and takes an imaginary swig.
"Santa" smiles a bit, replying, "Thanks, but I don't wanna eat and run. Got more floors to do." And laying a finger inside of his nose, "Santa" strolls out the front door, dragging the empty bag behind him. As the door slams shut again, Goku-chan finally manages to tear through the last bit of tape and hold aloft his prize.
"...Shampoo??"
As the others begin to tear into their paper, Tenpou laughs. And when Tenpou's laughter grows loud enough, Kenren begins laughing too. Dokugakuji joins in, and Gojyo follows, tossing his head back. In every lap, on every counter, inside every bright cover of wrapping paper is some standard amenity afforded them all without request. The laughter grows hysterical when Konzen finds he has been presented with three rolls of toilet paper.
"The bugger wanted to leave before we got these things open so he could get away with it!" cries Gojyo, tears streaming down his cheeks. "He got us so bad!"
Tenpou grins over at Kenren. "So, any plans for those?" he asks, poking the box of Tampons in the man's lap. Lirin snorts loudly enough to attract attention to Kenren and Tenpou. The taishou seems to be at a loss for words, and so only pitches the box at Lirin.
"Merry Christmas, pipsqueak."
Lirin, in turn, pitches her present at him. "I think you'll need these more!" she cries, sticking out her tongue. The odor-absorbing shoe inserts land squarely in Kenren's lap, and the onlookers howl with laughter.
And so the gift exchange begins, where those who were given fairly innocuous presents pass them on to those that deserve them for the sake of comic relief. Even under Hakkai's watchful eye, the eggnog has been depleted enough that everyone is pleasantly buzzed. Outright drunkenness is kept in check not only by canonically strong constitutions but the careful guarding of the rations still left.
Homura's fern is decked with balled-up squares of toilet paper, strung with dental floss, and crowned with a bar of soap that had been clumsily carved into a star. This star topples from the fronds within minutes, but nobody pays attention.
It is a while before Goku notices that his doppelganger is asleep in Konzen's lap. "Hey, uh..."
Konzen holds up a finger, motioning for quiet. "He's finally stopped squirming."
Yaone smiles over at them. "It is a tempting proposition."
Kougaiji nods. "Then let us go. I would hate to overstay our welcome."
"Says the man who barely spoke," comments Gojyo under his breath. "At least Doku would arm-wrestle me."
"And humiliate you time after time," Kougaiji adds with a bit of a smirk. He stands and holds out a hand to Yaone, who takes it with a nod of thanks. Kougaiji excuses himself to go look for Lirin, who had disappeared some time earlier on a bathroom trip that has taken far too long.
Yaone straightens her sweater and skirt, unused to standing after being seated for so long. She crosses the room to Hakkai and gives him a bit of a hug. "Shall I take the pans?"
Hakkai laughs. "Don't worry about it. One of us will take care of it."
Gojyo visibly twitches, and Doku bites back a laugh. "He means you, huh?"
Gojyo nods. "Yeah, if I'm around I get suckered into it. Kinda owe him anyhow."
"If you're that easy to guilt into stuff, I'm coming around more often," Doku teases.
Gojyo grins. "Only if you want to leave Yaone unguarded." He points over Doku's shoulder to where Kenren is seeing Yaone out. The lanky man looms over Yaone with one arm stretched lazily over his head. In his hand, the mistletoe dangles between their heads. Yaone is blushing and trying to back away without seeming rude. Doku sighs, claps his half-brother on the shoulder, and strolls over to Kenren.
With one swift motion, he plucks the mistletoe out of the man's fingers, crushes it in his meaty fist, and wraps his other arm protectively about Yaone's shoulders.
"We had a great time, Hakkai!" Doku calls, ushering her out the door. "We ought to do it again sometime!"
Kougaiji comes a few seconds later, dragging Lirin by her collar. "I apologize," he says with a stiff bow, "for any disarray she may have caused. Thank you for your hospitality."
As she is led out the door, Lirin calls, "Don't worry, Sanzo! I won't tell anybody!"
As one, six sets of eyes swivel to stare questioningly at Sanzo. The monk grits his teeth for a moment, but then hisses, "If she doesn't tell, what the hell makes you think I will?"
Gojyo grins. "Now, you see, before you said that, we all could of just thought she was joking."
"Curiosity killed the kappa," Hakkai hisses, and Goku snorts.
Kenren mourns, "Damn, he killed a good handful of mistletoe right there." He wipes his hands on his pants.
"Thank you for entering the conversation," remarks Tenpou. "However, I feel we should take our cues from the others and bow out before another of us falls asleep."
Goku turns to Konzen. "D'you need help...um...carrying Goku back?"
Kenren ruffles Goku's hair. "Nah, we got him."
Within moments, they are gone.
Sanzo lights a cigarette and stares at Homura's fern. Gojyo comes to sit next to him. "Cute, ain't it? I'm so stuffed with holiday togetherness I think I'm going to puke." He pulls the hat off with a soft tinkling of the bells and runs a hand through his sweaty hair.
"Funny," Sanzo murmurs. "How no one got called away."
Gojyo relaxes with a yawn. "Hell, we oughtta get a day off every once in a while. We worked earlier."
"Hn." Through the gray haze of smoke, the fern is still green.
"That was nice, wasn't it?" asks Hakkai, pulling the bells from his neck. "I'll deal with the dishes in the morning. It's not like they can get worse."
"Yeah, yeah, all work and no play." Gojyo rings the bell on the hat. "Bed sounds good."
"Bed does sound good," Goku agrees, and the four of them trudge off to sleep, reasonably content.
The double doors swing open. Homura, Zenon, and Shien stumble into the hallway, haggard with exhaustion.
Homura stretches out his back. "Nice work," he says, unlocking the door to their apartment. "I am sure we were appreciated."
"Whatever possessed you," Zenon says, "let's make that a one-time thing."
Homura smirks. "Indeed. I had no idea the concept would actually work. Enough people acting out of character to cause a glitch in the entire system. No new fictions until the error is resolved. Could you imagine what would happen if one day we all decided to revolt?"
At the stricken looks on his comrades, Homura chuckles. "Exactly why this little miracle goes unexplained."
Shien shakes his head, readjusting his shoulders. "You know, you could have just told Hakkai you had other plans."
Notes:
devinewaterdragon: Nice to meet you! Points! Thanks for the pocky, and also for the idea! Butter chair. Hee.
Koinu-Chan: I think I may just spoof on the word 'spoff', thankyouverymuch.
Nightfall Rising: Aie! I made you squeal! And yes, that is something one should encourage, I think. Spread the love.
KawaiiLilMarron: Um. That scares me, just a little. Then again, I saw the Gundam Senshi a while ago, so I'm kinda jaded. Eeh. ...And...eh...Goku and Shuuichi in the same room? That's even more frightening. And yet inspiring. I rub my chin conspiritorially.
TheRhoda: Points! Hee, the plushies are so cute - why not a Nii plushie? You'd think he'd have a field day in the stuffed bunny section!
Hakkai'sHerFavorite: I read that fic - um...ri-ight. I think that's all I'm going to say on that one.
Joonie: Points! Bananafish, yes. That was actually lifted straight from an after-lit discussion one day. Hee. Gotta love my coursemates.
Jadesword: Points! Um...Finding Nemo? And Saiyuki? I am...frightened...
Angelic-Kitten: Points! Suspenseful points! Hee. Clothing is optional, indeed. No shirt, no shoes...full-service.
Crimson1: Thanks for review number 300! Major points to you for the milestone! Thanks so much! I love Homura's fern, too. It was originally meant to be a one-time gag, but it's growing on me. (Ah-haha, bad pun.)
Asian-Orange: Points. CUTE points. Hee, I'm proud of myself if you almost got caught reading my fic too late at night. Woo.
Karu Leonnese: Destructive points! Heeh, Hakkai-crossdressing always does funny things to cats, I suppose... (You take that one and run with it.)
Sparrow319: Lol! Kinky points! I think I'll leave the Full Monty to the imagination, though. Else that chapter would be longer (uh...or shorter?) than this one. Geez, what is it with me and really bad puns tonight?
Falling Z: Nice to meet you! Scandalous points, and welcome too! Yay for those who have read Salinger in all its depressing glory. Eh heh.
Orenda: Points! Hm. Hurting the drapery while writing Breakroom? I might just have to try that to see if I can do it. Hmmm...
Kanzeyori: SEXY points. You have no idea how much introspection was given to your drapery comment in particular. I had a nosebleed like crazy. Damn you.
Optimoose: Points! Not only for cleverness, but for making me the happiest little fangirl in the world today - yes, the package came. I bow to you in love and wonderment! ...Eek, Goku the married man? Married to ChiChi? ...she...does have things in common with Sanzo. That scares me to no end. And yet I giggle. Also, I've never heard of 'Tactics' but now am inclined to go look it up. Hrmmm...
Treneka: Dead points! Aw...LIVE, darn you! In answer to question 1, reread the first chapter. I explain it there. In answer to question 2, because they are expendable and aren't developed as well as OC's that actually have dialogue or are pivotal plot points, they don't even exist outside of ficland. Sort of like scenery.
Runefallstar: !! Shut up Curtains is almost better! Oh, and "fic toaster" is a great name for the little slot in the kitchen. I laughed out loud at that one. And...uh...Homura in a thong. Yesss...
Akiko Koishii: No worries, thanks for the note!
Me-Nuriko: Points! Wow, I'm not so inspired either. Writing so many of these really takes it out of you. Doesn't mean I love you any less, of course ;)
Quatrapiller: Nice to meet you, new fan! Hope this fiction gives you something to fall back on after the vagaries of the Saiyuki section of eff eff dot net.
WildeLamassu: Ooh. I am now very curious about "Banana Fish" the manga. And I giggled like crazy at the metaphor - nono, I don't think so. See, they're thick enough to require equals signs. Bad Karot, bad.