He stared out the window with an expression as blank as paper. He was no more than a ghost in this life, fading in and out of other's realities. He could be there one moment, and then he could be gone the next. His life was transient; his purpose was constant. His mind was calmer than it had been in months, a perfectly smooth consciousness that allowed for no cracks, no room for feeling. Others had taken notice, but he'd ignored them. Ricardo had asked questions, and he'd politely answered them with his usual wit and banter. Darrin had stared, and he had stared back. Bookman had even looked worried, but after a few days he had let the young man be.
His mind was a fortress. His heart was a stone. His past did not matter. He was merely the eyes and ears of history, writing down those hidden things that had happened for future generations' use.
And the debacle that was her would never happen again. He would not permit it. If that was what friendship and betrayal was worth, he was not willing to pay such a steep price. Bookman's lesson had been good and painful. It showed him just how close he was getting to these people. And after all, were they not only people?
"Lavi, are you alright? You sound... different." Lenalee's voice was full of questions. Memories flooded him, thoughts of her shaded with a strange film of indifference. She had always been a pretty girl. She was the closest to family he had, and yet he could not feel anything for her. He felt that if she had died on the spot right then, he could not have felt more for a rock.
Another splash of ink.
"I'm fine, Lena. There have been some difficulties, that's all. I'm just a tired," he answered back, keeping a frivolous air to his voice. He knew how to play the careless, flighty teenage boy. Doug meandered somewhere in the hall, and Lavi adjusted his grip on his bag. Lenalee had called only two hours before his departure. He had been annoyed that she'd called at such an inopportune time, but he guessed that couldn't be helped. They had talked for a little while, and Lavi was quickly growing bored with the conversation. She kept talking about people that they both knew, yet he no longer cared to know of them or their journeys. A small inkling of him sparked, yes, at the mention of Allen's name, a small pique of interest here at the drop of Kanda's name, but no more than gentle curiosity.
"Alright, if you say so. I can't wait to see you again, Lavi. It's so lonely here. I'm the only one around." Lavi didn't even have the capacity to summon sympathy. He himself had never liked to be alone, either, but he couldn't help but think she was whining. He sighed, and he said, "Of course, of course. Hey, I've got to run. Our ride leaves soon, and I need to beat the traffic." Lenalee was quiet for a bit before answering, "Okay. Goodbye, Lavi."
"Goodbye." He hung up quickly, not wanting to incur any further anecdotes or add-ons. He adjusted his cap over his hair, stuffing his bandanna in his pocket. He made a note to throw it away later and get something a little less... personal. He wanted to get rid of every piece of attachment he had to the Order. He was sick and tired of being stuck on them. One day he'd leave, perhaps even to live on the other side of the battle with the Noah. He couldn't just keep friends. Eventually they died. Eventually, they left.
Eventually, they betrayed you when you were no longer useful or you were no longer their mission.
A flash of anger burst within him at the memory of her stinging encounter. He was still quite bitter over it, but he was working on sanitizing that event as well, producing a clean document from which he could pull all information he needed without accidentally sullying the viewpoint with his own anger and confusion. Despite his efforts to clean up his mind and rid it of all extraneous emotional detail, he still suffered from synesthesia and the odd, ultra-vivid memory overtaking his entire being at random points of the day. Apparitions, including his Bookman self, walked the streets with him, though he had stolidly ignored them for quite a while. He still could not eat anything besides the blandest and scentless of foods. He could not walk the streets without a mask lest the smells send him reeling for an alleyway. It seemed that his emotional attachment truly did not have anything to do with his mental decline any longer.
It would not have mattered if she had been there. This would have happened regardless of her presence.
Lavi looked up at the group that was preparing to leave. Darrin stood off to the side, sulking. Lavi had told him the bare bones of what had happened between himself and that girl, and he'd added some other things to boot just to manipulate Darrin off course. The old, cantankerous fellow, of course, had been less than receptive. Though he acted angry and disgruntled, it was all too plain to Lavi that Darrin was more hurt than anything else by her departure and subsequent 'reprisals' against him.
Bookman had his own suitcase ready, along with Ricardo. The older man looked up at Lavi with the same blank look, though Lavi did note that there seemed to be a bit of worry etched in the lines around his eyes. Lavi himself did not feel much for Bookman any more. He had meant to teach Lavi a lesson, and he'd taught him more than one.
More than anything, Lavi had learned he could trust no one, not even his own mentor. Everyone was suspect. Nobody was safe. Even if he had meant no harm to Lavi himself, Bookman had wounded his trust.
Ricardo was nothing more than an accessory. By all accounts, he should not be going. In fact, Lavi had told Bookman so, and Bookman had been taken off guard. Ricardo's original purpose was to study her Innocence in action, but now that she was in England under supervision of the CROW and Central's goons, his entire reason for being on this trip was null. He was a funny character to have along for lighthearted conversations and pithy comments, but he was a load on the team. He would do no good to them.
And then, finally, their last two compatriots.
"Lavi, is there something the matter?" Allen asked. The young white-haired Exorcist had volunteered for the ride. Behind him, Link scribbled in his notebook, taking his usual plethora of notes. Lavi himself had looked at those notes, and he'd noted they were incredibly sloppy and third rate. Lavi slapped on a smile, his eye crinkling self-consciously as he said, "Nah, I'm just a little winded. Getting a shaft through the heart apparently does a number on your ability to speed walk." Allen smiled back, though the redhead could see doubt on his face.
Allen and Link's presence was to make up for her sudden departure from the mission. Originally, he'd been in America investigating swamp lights on Brown Mountain. Seeing as their search had been inconclusive, they were the only ones available for this mission. Lavi didn't mind Allen's help, but of all his 'friends', he'd been attached to Allen the most, perhaps. Still, he was careful to keep him at arm's length now, knowing it would be too easy to fall into bad habits again. They began the long walk to the outskirts of the city, not risking a cab. Bookman split up with Darrin and Ricardo while Lavi went with Allen and Link. Their trek was mostly quiet and uneventful, footsteps falling on damp pavement as the sky threatened more drizzle.
Suddenly, Lavi stepped into another memory, this one more recent. Around him, he could see Crowley's array of tasteless sculptures, ranging from grotesque gargoyles to strange, mythological beasts of a Hellenistic style. He was holding a cross, some garlic, and his hand was itching towards his hammer. Remembered anxiety and adrenaline sent phantom sparks through his system. Allen stood not ten feet away, thumb throbbing from a recent bite for their soon-to-be comrade, Crowley. The memory was met with a mixture of fondness and disdain. It was so trite and maudlin.
Everything from this memory was so clear, though! Ah, even in the midst of his madness, he could enjoy the clarity and superiority of his ability to remember events such as these! He could feel the garlic at his neck, smell its crisp freshness, and savor the night air as it whistled between the statues like a nymph on a wing. The night sky... he could look up, freeze the moment, and tell what time of year it was just from the constellations, even the exact time from the position of the stars. More easily, he could just pull his wrist up and look at his watch, but that was no challenge. His mind, even as a broken thing, was such a wonderful toy that he could manipulate as he willed.
And then, he stepped back into the present almost seamless, Allen saying something to him, concern etched into his features. Doug fell in step with Allen, staring at Lavi with unabashed fright. Even his Bookman self was nowhere to be found, presumably hiding within the recesses of his psyche.
"Lavi, you just blanked out. What was that?" Allen asked, clearly worried. Gray eyes tried to trace the emotions of his face, and Lavi played the slightly surprised man who hadn't realized he'd just been stuck in his own personal reality.
"Oh, just a daydream. I manage to do it so vividly that I completely forget where I am!" Lavi lied smoothly with a crooked smile, a mischievous gleam in his eye carefully engineered to throw Allen a bone. Poor guy was so worried about him. Lavi really had to work on distancing himself from the kid. It would be better all around for them if he did. Allen was already fragile as it was, given his Noah side and all that jazz. Lavi himself didn't really care too much about that. Allen was Allen; the Fourteenth was the Fourteenth. Both were cogs in the war machine, though bigger, more connected cogs than most. Lavi had to be careful to remember that he wasn't part of the war machine at all. He was no cog, nor a screw, nor an engine; if anything, he was the manual, dictating how the war machine worked, a separate entity all on its own.
"Oh... well, be careful then, Lavi. I thought you'd run into a pole or something like that. I know how you hate to screw up your face," Allen quipped cheekily, stuffing his hands in his pockets. Link sniffed at the notion, and Lavi only laughed. Out of the corner of his good eye he could see that Allen had looked up abruptly. He was more observant of people than most, obviously. It had not taken him long to realize that Lavi had changed significantly. His laugh even sounded a little bit hollow, more forced than usual. They continued to walk in silence, neither bothering to say a word.
Seeing as that woman had arranged their departure and subsequent travel plans, they were traveling with friends of the Order as well as those of her mother. The trip would supposedly take them four months, but changes had been made as soon as Allen had been tacked on to the trip. His ability to use the Ark as a shortcut had been extremely useful. Luckily, Allen had been to Havana, Cuba with his master under some dubious circumstances, and from there they could sail straight to Guatemala, their chosen destination. Their travel time had been cut down to only a month rather than four, and their supplies had been considerably whittled down as well.
They split up for purposes of stealth. Each was to arrive at a certain point by a different way, each of them coming from a different direction. Bookman had wanted them to fly under the radar, and so they'd also left the building from different points as well in civilian clothes. Allen stuck out like a sore thumb with his white hair and clean, pressed clothes, but at the least he was wearing a cap to hide the stark white of his hair. Link was also less noticeable in his dark coat and standoffish air. Lavi had opted for the minimal, wearing a long coat over a cotton shirt, loose pants, and boots. Within an hour, Allen had arrived at the target destination and had discreetly opened an Ark Gate in an alley.
One by one they went in, each at a different time. Lavi made sure that he was last, savoring this final moment in Sao Paulo. Despite the poor memories he'd had here, the city itself was a nice place, if it didn't rain so much. Lavi said his final goodbye, and he stepped into the white light of the portal.
Inside, he quietly marveled at the white architecture of the Mediterranean style houses within the Ark. Brightly he remembered wandering around these streets, looking for the Exorcist that stood at the other end of the street, patiently waiting for him. Ah, Allen was the pinnacle of human politeness, it seemed. It almost changed Lavi's mind on the matter of the human ability to feel and appreciate others.
But he had too much experience to truly put too much stock into that. Even those he still held those inklings, those frequent bright flashes of hope, he kept them doused with a heavy dose of cynicism and aching bitterness.
You got too close once. You don't want to do it again.
"So, what's happened since you've been in Argentina and Brazil? I didn't get to hear much, honestly, other than the bare bones," Allen asked in his high end accent, enunciating every word carefully with that British ring. He truly was the picture of a gentleman. Lavi laughed quietly to himself as he wondered at the oxymoron that presented, given Allen's background as an orphan. Dickens had something going for him in Oliver Twist, obviously. He wouldn't be surprised if Allen was his inspiration.
"Nothing much. The Noah were inadvertently poisoning a river, and that tipped us off. Lulu's been collaborating with some fellow thugs in the area to smooth things along and cover it up, but she did a messy job of it. If I didn't know better, I'd say that she did it deliberately to get our attention," he stated, shrugging while modestly scratching the back of his head. Their footsteps were clipped and quietly muffled in the wide, open areas of the Ark. Ahead of them, Link, Bookman, and Ricardo went on ahead. Behind the younger Exorcists, Darrin continued to shuffle along, perhaps to grumble to himself or gawk at the mystical structure in which he stood.
"Ah. And you found the canister, and you suspect the Noah were after it?" Allen asked, nodding ever so politely in Darrin's direction. Lavi looked back and nodded, smiling beatifically. Darrin had taken that woman's scoldings a little hard. Of course, it'd been fabricated, partly perhaps for Lavi's own internal amusement as well as to distance Darrin from her as well. He could've been a bit gentler, he guessed. Darrin had definitely stopped talking to Bookman, only to mutter the bare minimum in regards to the canister that was ever present on his back.
"Yeah. Bookman's already unraveled the riddles on it. Coincidentally enough, one of the riddles might have to do with Guatemala, which I'm not entirely surprised about," Lavi stated blandly, looking off. They were nearing the next gate. Allen frowned, and he asked, "What are the riddles on the canister?" Lavi folded his hands behind his back as he recounted what Bookman had told him. These riddles were rough translations, and Bookman was still smoothing them out, but for the most part they were translated well enough to be usable.
" 'Find the point where the sun and moon kiss. Ask the Feather Snake for a scale made of light. Plumb the depth of a lake of tears. Fill the basin of the Hummingbird with the water of life. Search the stars above Viracocha's face,'" Lavi recited, recalling each word perfectly. He himself had had to work on the translation, and it was a clever little ditty. Still, it sounded more like an errand list than a way of cracking the canister. Allen looked just as perplexed.
"What does that have to do with anything. None of that makes any sense," Allen stated.
"Now, if it made sense, it wouldn't be a riddle, would it?" Lavi noted, and Allen chuckled. Of course, he was right. The redhead stopped in front of the door that was to their next destination, and he looked behind him at Darrin. The man was no longer gawking or mumbling, merely holding the canister in his hands and running his fingers over the dials.
"She's really gone, ain't she?" Darrin grumbled. Before Allen could ask, Lavi stated, "Think of it this way - she's out of our hair. We don't need to worry about her any more." Despite all his hard work in keeping a callous around his heart, Lavi could still feel that wound simmer and fester. He was still angry. It would be a while before he could handle those memories without marring them with the hot sting of his fury.
Havana was bright and sunny and clear where Sao Paulo was not. Their footsteps echoed along the alleyway's cobblestones, and Lavi was surprised to find himself admiring the work of human hands. The buildings were towering, and their structures were magnificent. He usually enjoyed architecture, but this most definitely tickled his fancy.
"Shoot, this place's fancier 'n a hippo wearin' a tutu on a fount'n," Darrin muttered under his breath. Allen laughed, and he stated, "It is a very nice city. Even while I was here, Master..." Suddenly, Allen fell quiet, and Lavi felt a spike of concern that escaped his well formed walls of indifference. Allen, though belligerent towards his Master's treatment, had also been attached to Cross in that way a son is strangely attached to his father despite their awkward relationship. His passing and disappearance had rattled him more than he liked to say. Lavi knew that the circumstances under which he'd disappeared were... telling.
"Well, we enjoyed ourselves. Him more than me, obviously, considering I was washing dishes trying to pay everything off," Allen added in a begrudgingly fond grumble, and Darrin slapped a hand on Allen's back.
"Eh, 'at's the way a' some fellers, ain't it? Booze and women," Darrin stated in his American drawl, and Lavi scoffed, "Like you can say anything. One of the first things you asked for when you got to Sao Paulo was 'Where's the cathouse and the bar? I'm thirsty.'" Darrin spluttered at the accusation as Lavi smiled smugly.
"Will you jabberjaws keep up? We're going to miss our ship," Bookman shouted over his shoulder, Link falling back in order to keep an eye on Allen. It appeared that while Allen and Lavi had had their conversation, Link and Bookman had conferred with each other also. Lavi didn't need to be a genius to understand what their topic was probably about.
They walked through the bustling city of alabaster and sandstone towards the wharves. A large seawall ran along the beaches, the docks a very long way off. He could hear the sea lapping against the gravel beaches, and the sound was calming. Like any wharf, these smelled like seaweed, decaying matter, and salt. Darrin sniffed at it in distaste while Lavi sucked in the smell with a great sigh. The stench had its own brand of nostalgia. Synesthesia soon followed, and Lavi had to fight to keep command of his breakfast, but he didn't care too much. It wasn't as strong as it had been with blood or gunpowder, and he only tasted the odd flavor of salted pork, dry biscuits, and ale as well as a mix of different sensations. Lavi remembered lots and lots of trips to the sea
the sea beckoned his mother as she stared into the dark waters. The wind whipped her hair back and forth as she stood with damp feet, her eyes clearly elsewhere as the songs of gulls fought to be heard over the crash of waves. The sky was so, so blue, bluer than his mother's eyes, bluer than a robin's egg, and he ran after her, trying to reach her, trying to persuade her to come home because dinner wasn't cooked yet and he was hungry. She got like this sometimes. She'd stare into the sea for so long he worried she might suddenly lose herself in it. She had those moments were she was beyond reach, where the darkness within her face seemed to swallow her up and transform his Mam into this creature of utter despair and self-loathing
Lavi was suddenly jerked back into the present. He found himself staring out at the sea in an oddly high position above the ground. He turned back to look over his shoulder to see Allen and Link were staring at him in disbelief. Bookman's face was dark. Darrin muttered, "Maybe ye should take a breather from this here trip, son..." Lavi realized that he was standing on the sea wall, one foot almost hanging off. Dark water splashed. How far had he wandered off in his head? He... he hadn't meant to...
Fear lanced through him as he realized how close he must've been to walking off the wall. He flexed his fingers, reaching for the hammer in its holster at its side as if grasping for a security blanket.
"Lavi, we turn our backs for a second and... we only... Lavi, what's the matter?" Allen asked, voice close to quivering. His face was filled with concern as Lavi climbed off the wall, dusting himself off. Lavi knew he couldn't lie now. No matter how smoothly he spun his tale, there was no denying he'd just came mere feet from almost killing himself.
God punishes thieves and liars.
And Lavi had lied a lot.
"I'll explain on the boat," he stated.
"So that's what you've been doing this entire time? Losing your mind!" Allen asked incredulously. Lavi almost winced out of habit at Allen's angry indignation. In fact, he nearly felt guilty for keeping it from him. After all, he was a frie-
He immediately stopped that train of thought. It was hard enough explaining all this. Eventually he'd have to explain the... other ground rules, too. That would be even more painful, but then again pain was only what he allowed himself to feel. He could block out, but there was still a small part of him that wanted to feel. It was definitely a minority, but it still existed. He squashed it, nevertheless.
"Lavi, why didn't you say anything? You should be at the Order, right now, going to a therapist! Have you ever thought of that?" Allen said, pacing up and down the length of their small cabin restlessly. Link, who was sitting in a hammock, idly added, "On that note, I have to agree with Walker there. As you are, you could be a possible danger to yourself and others."
"I've been getting better," Lavi argued. He'd only been on that medication for a few days. The effects had yet to truly kick in. At first, everything had felt muted for a while but he'd gotten used to it, and now he was taking them regularly. He suspected that they truly were helping him fight off the schizoid tendencies he had. Besides, it really was no business of theirs. He contained his anger, keeping as objective as he possibly could bear.
"Jumping off a seawall is getting better? How were you before?" Allen asked, his face the picture of disbelief and worry. Lavi's facial expression immediately fell into one of careful neutrality as he thought about his hallucinations and other such problems in the weeks following his arrival to Sao Paulo. Allen noted the difference in Lavi's gaze, and he sighed apologetically.
"Do you know what's been causing these symptoms? What is the root of this sudden illness?" Link asked in clipped, official tones. Lavi couldn't help but notice the clinical, unfettered stare he used, recognizing it as a tool that he himself employed. Did he truly look like that when he examined another...? Lavi bowed his head so he was staring into his lap. Stay objective. He needed to stay objective. He had kept it up for so long. These people didn't understand. They didn't know that this was the burden that came from remaining a clean, sound piece of living recorder, the effects of a sanitized, breathing chronicle. He was both the studied and the student, document and document taker, chronicle and chronicler. He couldn't let these people get in the way of delivering information without the blush of human emotion or subjectivity. Yet... it was so hard. Even in the light of this last, blatant emotional trial storm, it was so hard not to reach out to Allen and tell him everything he'd been feeling these past six months.
"It's because I have been compromised. I... feel for other people, specifically within the Order. I, uh, I am conflicted. It is against the Bookman code to create attachments towards any one side of a war. It is... unprofessional," Lavi stated blankly, his voice devoid of inflection. "I compartmentalize my mind in order to keep everything orderly and to stay detached from each war. I've been shirking lately. All of my memories have suddenly started to affect my waking life. The stress of staying unbiased as well as staying alive, dealing with... with friends who die or leave..." It was awkwardly quiet for a while.
"We're the ones causing you to lose your mind?" Allen asked, sitting down on the hammock Link occupied. It creaked, and Lavi looked up almost guiltily. He had tried so hard to keep everyone at arm's length. They had seeped into his heart, though. Even now, it was hard to keep the pretense separate from the actual feelings he held. He had been doing so well... He'd had other episodes before the one on the sea wall, ones that he didn't want to talk about where he'd woken up in the oddest places and had seen the strangest things. In a way, he still felt contempt for the two men sitting across from him because they were human. He was human, too, though. And he knew what it was to be human. Perhaps that was the entire problem.
"Yes," Lavi said bluntly. He looked up at Allen to find pained gray eyes, and he shrugged.
"I'm not supposed to like you. I'm not supposed to care if you live or die. To me... to me, all you are is another pawn on the game board, and I'm just writing down the moves you make. I wasn't supposed to get attached. It's a Bookman tendency to start to go a little..." He swirled a finger by his ear to denote his instability, and Allen took another breath, twiddling his thumbs. His Innocence-laden right hand was black and eerie as always, but the sight of it made Lavi feel better for some reason. Perhaps it was because it had become such a familiar sight, especially seeing as he associated it with Allen. He suddenly realized he was slipping back into that habit, linking emotions to a person or a thing. Immediately, he snuffed it. Allen, as he'd said, was another pawn. And sometimes pawns needed to be sacrificed in order to win the bigger game. He had to remember that.
"Is there any way we can help?" Allen asked with resolve, and they stared at each other. Lavi leaned back in his seat, the chair creaking as the bolted legs strained against the floor. He took a deep breath, staring at the ceiling.
"I'm not sure. I was hoping that I could just keep you all at a safe distance so I could just catch my breath, but then you had to go and volunteer," Lavi said, almost fondly, as he jabbed a finger in Allen's direction. The white-haired Exorcist groaned, looking off in a sheepish fashion as he rubbed his neck. Link closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, and Lavi smiled softly at the two.
He'd missed being with friends. Still, his heart felt fragile, in more ways than one. He didn't know if he could still trust them. It was a strange predicament he found himself in. He was still closing off his mind and heart to them, yet he couldn't help but try and save that spark. He suddenly stood up, and he stated, "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm starving, ne? Allen, I know you must be hungry. Let's go to the galley and get something to eat." Allen looked up in surprise, and he suddenly smiled. He nodded and followed the tall redhead out the door.
As he tread down the hallway, Lavi let himself think about her for the first time in days. He was still angry. More than angry, he was outright furious. Yet, at the same time...
Smell of sunlight
A ghost of a smile
Scars over a blue eye
...he couldn't help but remember that at one point he had been friends with her. Even if it had all been an act on her part, some small portion of him recognized that he had thought she was a friend. However, he wasn't about to let his own feelings sully reality. He couldn't slant his version of the truth for his own benefit. Besides, she was thousands of miles away, now, and they'd never meet again. What was the point of being angry? What was the point of remembering her with fondness? What was the point with keeping any attachments?
"A penny for your thoughts? You look like you're getting lost in your own head," Allen stated, catching up to Lavi's long legged stride. Lavi snapped out of his thoughts, and he immediately shielded his emotions. Better to dull them than to let them take over. Perhaps, of all of them, he could keep Allen as a friend, or whatever was closest thereof. More than anything, a confidante at the least. He stared at the ceiling as he shoved his hands in his pockets.
"I'm think about... well, my last partner," Lavi admitted truthfully. As he passed by, he noted all of the other sailors with disdain. All of them, smelly, stinky, travel-worn men with nothing on their minds besides liquor and loose women, feh. Still, in a lot of ways these sailors were like Bookmen. They held no attachments to anyone but their own. They never stopped traveling, and they went where ever the wind may take them. The only difference was that a sailor had no emotions to hide or memories to control.
"Your last partner? You mean the woman with the scars over her eye," Allen stated innocently. Lavi lifted both eyebrows in surprise.
"How'd you know that?" Lavi asked incredulously. He hadn't said anything about her since she'd left. He couldn't even think her name, he was still so angry at her. He was still trying desperately to forget her as well, though 'forget' in a way only a Bookman knew how. Allen smiled sadly.
"I was sent to retrieve her from the Ark room when she arrived. She told me that you were her last partner and to be careful. She was very distant about it. She definitely didn't want to talk more about it because she walked right on ahead and went to the Science Department without another word," Allen stated, and Lavi felt a pang. She hadn't even said anything else about him. All she'd done was explain who she was and left. That was typical of her. A minimalist to the last, he guessed.
"You miss her," Allen stated frankly. Lavi shrugged.
"Maybe a little. She wasn't really my friend. It was an act on her part, for Bookman," Lavi explained succinctly, and Allen looked surprised at the mention of duplicity.
"Is that why you've been so distant? She hurt you?" Allen asked, a slight tinge of anger coloring his voice. Lavi didn't deign to answer. They reached the galley, and Allen suddenly said, "We would never hurt you, Lavi. You know that. It wouldn't even cross our minds -"
"Even if it was the right thing to do?" Lavi asked over his shoulder as he walked in. Allen looked stunned, but he quickly deflated as he answered, "There would be another way. Lavi, you don't need to hold us away from you. We can help."
"The only real way you can help is to leave me be," Lavi sighed, suddenly tired. He walked into the bustle of the galley, leaving Allen to trail in his wake. Not far behind, beyond their line of sight, Link followed them with a keen eye and ear. These Exorcists were interesting, confusing sorts.
Dinner had been a rather depressing fare of salted pork, biscuit, and weak tea, just like Lavi remembered from his time on ships. He'd been in more than one naval battle. Allen had inhaled his helping, and he'd even gone after Link's after the man had pushed his away down the table. Darrin didn't look like he minded too much either, chewing straight through his dinner and putting his plate in danger of being eaten as well. Ricardo had gotten seasick almost immediately, and he refused to leave his room. Lavi couldn't blame him - his first time on a ship, he'd hugged the toilet for two days straight.
Remembering brought a splash of nausea over him, and the combination of foul smelling pork, brine, and sweaty men sent Lavi running for a bathroom. Somewhere in the distance, he could swear he heard a woman laughing at him, but he dismissed that as another auditory hallucination.
As of late, he'd been getting auditory hallucinations to supplement the visual ones. His paranoia had also peaked over the past twenty four hours, and he'd been fighting it for a while. He glanced at the pills in his hand, and he decided to take two instead of just one. It didn't seem that the smaller dose was doing him any good. Besides, it was just one more. He could always adjust his intake.
The trip started off smoothly enough. Lavi slowly got into the habit of walling off his emotions from the rest of himself, which became easier as the medication he'd been prescribed finally seemed to do its work. He kept his facade of cheerfulness around Darrin, Ricardo, and Allen, but to Allen's discerning eye he could tell that Lavi was still trying to keep them at a safe distance. All five of them spent a lot of their time playing card games like rummy, go fish, bridge, and poker.
Lavi and Link were smart enough to sit out the poker games. Ricardo soon learned that playing poker with Allen was asking to get stomped. Darrin himself could actually keep up with Allen for quite a while in the game, but eventually even his expertise at bluffing and cheating reached its limit long before Allen gave up.
"Aw, come on, guys. Just another hand. I swear, I'll play fair!" All in attendance groaned as Allen begged for one more game of poker. Bookman only chuckled in bemusement. Lavi looked up at the old man in surprise. Bookman wasn't one given to laughter. The old man was contentedly chewing on his tobacco pipe, reading several different books at once. Darrin's cylinder was sitting next to him, the brass case allowing him to keep within a relatively long distance from the old man for a little bit. Lavi walked over, and he asked, "What's so funny, Gramps? You're not one to go and start a riot." Bookman looked up sardonically.
"I can laugh if I wish, Apprentice. Old age has granted me that much." Lavi chuckled at that, and he took a seat next to Bookman as the rest of the entourage played a hand of rummy at the small table in Bookman's cabin. The old man had booked one with an actual table, a bathroom all on its own, and a series of bunk beds for Ricardo and Darrin. It was nowhere near plush, but it was definitely better than Lavi's cabin with its lone chair and three hammocks.
"I have noticed that you've grown anxious, Apprentice," Bookman noted, flipping the pages of two of his books. Lavi had seen him read seven books at once. The man's ability to absorb and store knowledge surpassed Lavi's own by so much. He could only hope to aspire so far. His powers of observation were even more so. Lavi sighed, and he admitted, "I've been paranoid. Of everything. It seems I jump at shadows." He watched as Darrin lost this round of rummy and threw down his cards in a huff.
"You have been falling into bad habits again, as well," Bookman grumbled under his breath, and Lavi gave a mirthless laugh. He rubbed his face, suddenly feeling tired. It appeared that one of the side effects of the medication was fatigue. Lately he couldn't seem to get enough sleep. That might be the lull of the ocean waves, though. Lavi had always felt comfortable on the water.
"Apprentice, you are not the only one struggling with attachment. I myself have grown on the Order. They have always been a kindhearted, if slightly radical, group of people. Very dedicated towards their cause, you see, and entirely welcoming," Bookman said, flipping yet another three pages. Lavi just sat and listened.
"Be careful who you choose for friends, young one," Bookman added. "I only ask you guard your heart." Lavi was surprised by this sudden turn of conversation.
"A Bookman can't have friends," Lavi stated. Bookman looked down at Lavi with an almost bemused look, and he shrugged.
"Technically, no. But connections... connections are not always bad," Bookman stated. "Sometimes they are useful. Just guard your heart. All we ever do is guard our heart." Lavi chewed this over, sitting cross-legged on the ground.
"I'll keep that in mind," Lavi said.
A/N: I apologize. This chapter is a little bit of a filler. The plot is moving ahead, albeit at a snail pace. With the advent of summer, I'm glad to say I now have much more free time on my hands, which means more time to write! I'll be experimenting with some new writing styles and such as well, along with plot devices, the like. Remember to tell me how you like it!
Big thanks to PrevalentMasters and Indiahenna for their input on the story! Also, just to brag on her a bit, go to Indiahenna's profile and read 'Heat Wave', the little oneshot she's got there. I rather enjoyed it, and I think those who like Chasing After The Wind might like it as well for its humor. After all this gloom and doom, we need a little cheering up, right?
Muchos kudos to Indiahenna for putting this on her subscribe list as well. Oh how I love new subscribers.
Finally! Las preguntas discursos! (Isn't it strange to see Spanish not in italics?): Esperanza is quite obviously absent from the story - how do you feel about that? Was the decision to use Allen as the next 'foil' a good choice or no? Was there anyone else you'd had in mind originally? Are you looking forward to seeing what the riddles mean? Did this chapter evoke any sort of emotion or feeling in general? What is your take on Lavi's current mental state? Is there anything I need to change? This chapter is quite short in comparison to recent chapters - is that good or bad?
That is all I have for today, so God bless you and happy reading!