Genre: Romance/Drama/AU

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I own nothing! Just my imagination and if iCarly was mine, I was going to name it iFreddie, but he's a jerk, dickhead, asshole, so I'm changing my choice for iSam. However, my Freddie is not a dumb ridiculous jackass, so I'm better than Dan at something. (Fuck you Dan Schneider!)

Pairings: Sam/Freddie – Seddie! Brad and Carly – Barly. Maybe Wendy and Gibby, but I don't know who you call that… Wibby?

Summary: They live in an alternative universe, above ashes of war. The horror seems to stop when a religious organization takes over the entire nation, organizing the chaos. They live under new rules now; everything should be organized and properly prepared. Even the marriages should be carefully planned. Alternative universe, maybe a bit OCC, I don't know yet. Inspired in this amazing THG fic called Five Loaves of Bread: Dark Toast

If I turn into another, dig me up from under what's

covering the better part of me, sing this song,

and remind me we'll always have each other

when everything else is gone.

I had a great night of sleep and it's been days since I've felt this good. After all the commotion last night, I still feel highly embarrassed Sam saw me like that. I never intended to snap and lose my control, but I just couldn't deal with that man anymore. The things he said about Sam…the things he insinuated…they drove me mad and I lost it. The thought of him doing something mean, or hurting my Sam had clouded my mind and took over me. I don't doubt he would be capable of doing such things, and I also know I would kill him if he ever tried.

Sam sighs and snuggles closer to me, and I touch her face, just glad she's here right now. I want to talk things through today, I want to understand what happened and what was going through her mind. If these last couple of days taught me anything, it's that we can work things out as long as we talk about it. I hate to admit this, but I know that part of the reason why she chose to lie to me was that I was not being open enough to that issue. For almost two months I avoided talking about it and instead of looking for a solution, I just pushed the problem aside and pretended like it didn't exist. I made up excuses and tried to pretend like it didn't matter, when I knew it did. If I had been more open, if we had sat down and tried to solve it, things would've been different and all that had happened could've been avoided.

All this time, I blamed only her for lying to me, but I never questioned why she did it. I didn't even want to hear an explanation. I was just so deep in my anger that my better judgment was clouded. But now I'm seeing clearly and I want to make things right between us. I didn't even consider the situation we've both been forced to live through and as much as I want to say I know Sam, I can't. I know nothing about her past. It's my fault altogether because I didn't even ask. Now that it hits me, it feels like I didn't even try to get to know her, I just fell in love with her and decided to erase who she was before she met me.

I had to deal with my own baggage, and I guess I was just avoiding having to know about her past because I didn't want any more to hold over my shoulders. But love isn't supposed to be like that. My mother once told me that love is a one way street, and you have to go down it together. When you chose to commit to a person, you're giving up on being a single number and you're becoming a part of the equation. You become the result of two lives merged into one, and you have to be certain of what you're doing and who you're choosing. Sure, Sam and I didn't have the opportunity to choose each other, but we chose to love each other, and with that we've made a commitment.

I was just having a hard time understanding what marriage really was – what love really is. I didn't know that now I'm not only one distinct individual, I'm not only Freddie anymore, I'm Freddie and Sam. Whatever issues we have from our past shouldn't be a secret, because now we're one and can't keep anything from each other. There are some things about my past I don't want her to know. There are some things that don't really matter, but if she asks me, I'll tell her. Because now I know she's in me, and I'm in her.

So that's why I think I was wrong. I just let myself slip into that black hole again because that was easier. Is easier for me to hurt, because I'm used to hurting, but I didn't want to know that she had been hurt. I guess I postponed it because I was afraid there was something about her past I wouldn't like to hear and as long as I didn't, it wouldn't be real. I can endure all the pain and confusion that lives in my past – in my brain – but I didn't want her to have to go through the same thing. Now I realize I can't stop that from happening, if it already did. The best I can do for Sam now is to keep her safe from the harm to come and accept her past – whatever it may be.

Realizing that fact, I'm not so angry or affected about her lie anymore. I know now that it's partially my fault, that I wasn't open or understanding enough. I was living in denial, wishing I could erase her past just because I didn't know anything about it. Yesterday I knew something for sure, though. She can take care of me just like I can take care of her, so she probably could take care of herself before. I knew she was brave and strong, and it doesn't have to matter why she had to be like that, as long as she is. Whatever happened in her past that left a scar, I trust she's strong enough to overcome that, and she'll always have me here for support.

I kiss the side of her head as she stirs in my arms, waking and smiling when she sees me. Her eyes are the clearest shade of blue in the morning, and I don't know if it's because we're still here together or because she had a peaceful night of sleep – like me. She moves forward, slowly, waiting for my approval, and when I don't object, she kisses me on the lips. It's just a press of lips together, but it makes it all seem better. Although I still miss the real kisses, the ones that made my toes curl, but we're not in the right place for that right now.

"Good morning." She whispers, nuzzling her nose against my cheek.

"Good morning." I respond.

"I've missed this – I've missed us."

"Me too." I admit.

This makes her smile and she launches her body forward, kissing me again. This kiss is stronger, and I remember why I missed it so much. I let her sink her tongue into my mouth as I savor the flavor of her. And I don't care if its morning, all I know is that I missed her, and I missed being this close to her. Even when I feel her straddling my hips, I don't stop her, mainly because I want this as badly as she does – maybe even more. My hands go to her waist and I hold her close to me so that when I flip us over, I'm still completely glued to her.

Her hands go to my hair, and she bends her knees against my sides, opening her legs for me. She runs her hand down my back, then up and inside my undershirt, and I kiss her neck and collarbone. Sam writhes underneath my body, reminding me how good her body feels when she comes. I allow one of my hands to find her breast and squeeze it, while my other hand finds her inner thigh. She tugs on my hair and throws her head back with a moan that startles me. What am I doing? This is going too fast, we're not supposed to be trying that again. It was a failed experiment – it was too rushed and didn't work. I can't let myself make the same mistake again.

I can't and won't allow my desires to control me again. We have to talk. We haven't really said anything to each other yet, I still haven't asked the questions and still don't have my answers. I try to pull away, but she holds my head and kisses me. I didn't know she could be so strong. She tries to yank off my shirt and desperately grinds her hips against mine, momentarily making me forget my reasoning, but I do what I have to do. I pull away.

"What's wrong?" She asks me, blush in her cheeks and her lips swollen in a way that makes me want to kiss her again.

"Sam, I want to talk. About everything. Today. I think we should sit and talk." I say, sitting back and pulling her up with me.

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Why don't you take a shower and I'll go down and make us some breakfast?" I say and kiss both her hands.

"How about…" She smiles and reaches out to give me a quick kiss on each cheek, "you take your shower, I take mine, and we make some breakfast together?"

"Alright, that sounds pretty good." I nod.

"Okay, then…" She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me sweetly. "I missed you so much. I don't ever want to be so close to you and not be able to touch you."

"Me too." I say into her hair. "But we do have to talk today, about everything. And when I say everything, I really mean everything, Sam."

She pulls away with a quizzical expression on her face.

"I want to know your reasoning, what was going through your mind, the why, the how and the when and I want you to be as honest as possible with me. I realized that I know nothing about your past, I know nothing about who you were before me and I want to know that, I want to know you. You can ask me about my life too, I'll answer everything you want to know, because I want you to know everything about me and I want to know everything about you. No secrets."

"No secrets." She gulps.

"Promise?" I ask, holding her face in my hands.

"Yes, Freddie. I promise."

I kiss her one more time and it feels like this time we'll be able to work things out. I meant every word I said when I told her no more secrets. I want her to know as much as possible about me, just as I want to know as much as possible about her as well. Now I understand we were missing out on something important – the past – something that cannot be erased no matter how much we try to just that. I want us to know each other – everything there is to know – and I want to understand her so I can say with nothing but conviction that I know her from the inside out. That means the world to me. No more denial, no more delay.

It's now or never.

We make breakfast together, and it's like a ritual. It calms me down and helps me stay grounded. As nervous as I am about our conversation and how we're going to open up to each other in only a few minutes, I also have a solid conviction that this is for the best. Whatever storm we have to face against Frank Ellis or Visualize, we'll do it together, and for that to happen there must be nothing - no walls, no secrets - between us.

Sam sits on my lap during breakfast. She says she doesn't want to be away from me, so we make a big plate and eat it all together with two forks. It's fun and relaxing as I keep one arm around her waist and she leans against me, occasionally resting her head on my shoulder as she chews. It feels like we've never been apart, like I was never mad at her, like we never had that fight. Everything with Sam feels natural and makes me feel complete.

Afterwards, we wash the dishes together. I've discovered washing dishes with her can function like some sort of therapy for me where we work on the simplest task with synchronized movement and we help each other do something productive. Dr. John will be very happy to know that. When we're done, I kiss her forehead and drag her to the living room, where it will feel more comfortable to have the talk.

My palms sweat and I feel very nervous. No one but my doctor and Brad had ever known too much about me, not like I want her to know. I feel like if I tell her, I won't have to hide anymore from the world that torments me so much – she is my world. I'm just afraid that after she knows everything there is to know, she'll be scared of me or disappointed. I still didn't have the chance to ask her if I scared her yesterday with my insanity, but she's still here, still looking at me with so much love that maybe it really doesn't matter to her. I take both of her hands in mine and sit next to her, my body turned towards her so I can look her in the eye, and she sighs. I know she's afraid too, but everything will be okay.

"So?" She starts. "What do you want to talk about first?"

"That night…the first night you came here, I never asked you how your trip was."

"You wanna talk about that?" She sounds genuinely shocked.

"Yes. That's what I want to ask you. How was your trip up here, Sam?"

"Uh…" Sam looks down at her hands, playing with my fingers as she mumbles her answer. "Terrifying. I didn't know what to expect of you, and I was actually thinking you would be a monster, but you're not. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me."

She gives me a nervous smile and I kiss the corner of her mouth, just to help her gain some confidence.

"And when you saw me, what was the first thing that came to your mind?"

"At least he's handsome." She chuckles.

"Why thank you." I chuckle. "But how did you feel at that moment?"

"So nervous, especially because I knew what was coming next and you were a stranger, a guy I'd never seen before. And I was so angry with them for wanting to control my future, for wanting to tell me how to live my life. They didn't have that right. And I was angry with you too, because somehow I saw you as a part of it. It took me a while to realize that you were just a victim like me. I was prepared for that night, for whatever happened because that was what I expected, that was what I knew and what I was told, but what you did…when you rejected me…I couldn't understand that and it took me some time to wrap my mind around it."

"I understand." I say, kissing her hands again. "It must have been terrifying for you, having to be stuck with a stranger. It was for me too, Sam. I didn't know what to expect of you and I certainly did not want to be married to a girl I'd never met. Heck, I didn't want to be married at all!"

"Oh." She frowns.

"Wait, that came out totally wrong. What I meant was, I never thought I would be stable enough to make someone happy. You saw me…I have issues, and I didn't want to worry any more people with my problems. Besides, this kind of commitment, this kind of connection is too powerful and overwhelming, and I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready to give myself to someone like that. I hope you understand."

"No, I do, totally. I know what you mean. I understand." She says, caressing my cheek as she speaks.

"Good." I sigh, relaxing my body, because this is going better than I expected. "And after you got to know me better?"

"It was the best surprise ever, but also everything I did not want. I could never afford to care about anyone other than myself and my sister, so I spent my whole life trying to push people away. If I didn't have anything, then I wouldn't have anything to lose. I did not want to get attached to you, but it happened and it was so fast and it was so intense that I couldn't stop it from becoming what it is, from becoming love – I didn't want to stop that feeling from growing."

"The same thing happened to me, Sam. I didn't want to care about you, I just wanted to live in peace with you and maybe we could work on some sort of system to make our lives less miserable. But when I started to feel that way about you, I didn't want to ever stop feeling it, because it was the only good thing in my life. It was the only good thing I had felt in a long time. Loving you made me feel better – made me better."

She smiles and leans forward for a lingering kiss. The flavor of her lips are so familiar, yet so new and with every kiss it feels like the first one. I can't get enough of her, I'm not able to ever be satisfied, yet only this can make my body feel calm and relaxed for the whole day long. We pull away and I kiss her nose, keeping our foreheads together. Being able to be this close to her again makes me lightheaded, and whatever happens tomorrow, we'll still have this moment.

"Can you tell me about your sister?" I whisper.

"I…I uh…" She takes a deep breath of encouragement, and nods. "She is the opposite of me in every way, and I guess that's a good thing."

"What's her name?"

"Melanie. She was the prissy one, you know." She chuckles. "But she has a huge heart, like yours. You remind me of her sometimes, and I guess it's because she was the only thing I had and now you're my everything."

"You're my everything too." I say.

"I spent all those years trying to protect her from everything and everyone, but I guess it didn't work in the end. I couldn't protect her from Visualize."

"Hey," I take her chin in my hand and make her look at me, "it's not your fault okay? There was nothing you could've done."

"I know…but part of me just feels like I should've done something…I don't know."

"What happened to her?" I ask carefully.

"She was paired with this guy, and they sent her away from me. I haven't talked to her in almost five months, and I just miss her so much Freddie. The last I heard from her was from this friend she had there that was pregnant, so she could write to her cousin that lived at the same base as me. Turns out that Mel's husband wasn't anything like you…lucky she knows how to behave, so I guess…I don't know, I just hope she is okay."

Sam buries her face in my chest and cries. I feel awful for making her talk about something that hurts her so much, and I wish I could do something, anything to help her sister, so she won't have suffer. Thank God I have no living relatives other than Brad, but we don't exactly share blood or anything. I know it's a cold-hearted thing to think, but, I'd rather have no family then a family I couldn't see – a family that might be in danger. I let her cry as much as she needs to, I don't pressure her, I just rub circles on her back until she calms down.

"You can ask me anything that you want about me, too." I whisper.

"What's your favorite song?" She sniffs and smiles. "I realized I don't know it."

"Uh…it's a song called Yesterday by this old British band called The Beatles."

"I don't know that band."

"Oh, I'll be happy to introduce you to the world of good music, Samantha Puckett." I laugh. "What's your favorite song?"

"It's the melody from the music box you gave me, actually. When you were mad at me, I would listen to it every night before finally going to sleep. It wouldn't make things better, but it would ease the pain I felt, at least for enough time so that I could fall asleep."

"I'm sorry, Sam. I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry for what I've put you through. We almost lost each other because of me…I'm sorry."

"No! No, no, no!" She quickly grabs my face in between her hands and delivers quick kisses all over it. "It was my fault, you had nothing to do with that, it was all me!"

"No, Sam, it wasn't. If I had been open to the subject, if we had talk about it, and tried to find a solution together, you wouldn't have had to lie to me. The fact that you felt you had to lie to me because you thought I wouldn't understand hurt, but only hurt because I know deep down inside that it's true. I never tried to understand…I…I never tried to find a solution. I just pushed the problem aside and pretended it wasn't there. I left you alone to make such an important decision and it was wrong. I should've been with you, but I wasn't, and afterwards I snapped, because I couldn't admit to myself I was wrong. It wasn't just your fault, it was mine too and I'm sorry."

"But I was the one who lied!" She protests. "I deceived you when you asked me not to. You were so good to me, you never asked me for anything in return, and what did I do to you? I'm sorry Freddie, but if there is someone to blame here, it's me."

"No." I insist. "I'm not going to let you take the blame by yourself when I know I have a share in that. We both made a mistake, that's why we both are going to try and fix it, okay? Can we do that together? I don't want to do it alone and I don't want you to do it alone either, so can we do it together? Please?"

"Yes." She whispers with a sigh. "We can do that together."

"No more secrets between us?"

"No more." She nods. "I promise."

"Okay."

"I want to know everything that was going through your mind these last couple of days. Can you tell me that? So many nights I went to bed wishing I could read your mind, I just wanted to know what you were feeling."

"I was so angry at first. You offered me heaven, but dragged me to hell instead. And I just wanted you to hurt as much as I was hurting, that way you would learn not to hurt me like that anymore. I didn't want to be vulnerable and let you believe you could do whatever you wanted with my heart and I would be okay with that, but there were so many times I wished I could just hold you close and never let you go. I hated myself for feeling that way because I was supposed to be angry. I wanted to be angry at you – I had the right to feel like that. But I learned that hurting you did me no good, it only hurt me more, but I wasn't ready to let go of my anger."

I take a deep breath and feel this ache in my chest crawling all the way up to my eyes, but I didn't want to cry, not now, I had to be steady and strong and tell her everything.

"Dr. John helped me see that I was exaggerating, he made me see how stupid I was. We didn't even talk, I didn't even ask you anything, and I deserved to know. So I guess, after that, I did some thinking and realized how wrong I was Sam. At the time it felt so right to be wrong, because you hurt me so much…I never wanted your first time to be like that – our first time. I wanted it to be something we both could remember with love, and seeing you crying beneath me…it made me feel like a monster, like I was doing something bad to you. I was hurting you and I never wanted to do that."

"You didn't hurt me, I know you never would." She says with a sniff. I lean forward and wipe away her tears. "I'm sorry that moment got tainted Freddie, but you're not a monster, trust me you're far from that – as far as possible."

"Thank you." I sigh. "I just…I had so much to hold over my shoulders, I guess I just didn't want anything else. I've seen things Sam, in the war, and I've done things – or didn't – that I'm not proud of. I just thought I was done with hurting people after that was over…"

"And you are! You didn't hurt people because you wanted to!" She grabs my face in her hands again, making me stare deep inside her navy blue eyes. "You were forced to! You could never hurt anyone, I know you couldn't."

"But last night with Ellis-"

"You were protecting me!" She argues. "You were protecting us! I would've done the same thing for you! I would kick his damn ass if he tried to hurt you or even mentioned hurting you!"

"It doesn't change the fact that I might've killed the man!"

"But you didn't!"

"Because there were people there to stop me! I wouldn't have stopped by myself!"

"Yes you would have! You would, you would! You're not bad, Freddie. You're not a monster, I know you're not."

"You don't know half of the things I've done, Sam." I say, shaking my head.

"All I know is that if it was up to you, you wouldn't have done any of it. That much I know Freddie, and it's all I need to know."

"You don't know half of the things I wanted to do…sometimes I just…there were times that I forgot about my humanity, times I only saw with the eyes of a killer…you don't know what it's like…I was losing myself bit by bit and sometimes I wonder if I still am. Sometimes I just feel my sanity escaping me…I'm afraid I'm going to lose it and never find it again. I'm afraid I'm going to be buried in my insanity."

"If you ever lose that again, we'll find it – you and I together. And if you can't, I'll go anywhere and everywhere, and I'll find it for you. And if you end up buried under piles and piles of craziness, I'll dig you up. I'll find a shovel and dig you up from underneath it. Trust me, I'll save you when you need me to, I can do that. If you ever feel like falling, you can hold on to me, and I won't let you go."

She kisses me with reassuring passion, showing me how much she loves me and that she doesn't care about my past. She would love me anyway. She does love me even after everything she saw me do. I wrap my arms around her, and hold her like there's no tomorrow. We pull away, but stay wrapped up in each other's arms, never letting go. I'm not sure how many minutes have passed until I'm calm enough and able to speak again.

"Thank you." I tell her.

"I love you, and it doesn't matter what you think of yourself, I know it's not true. I know your heart is good, I just know it because I live there." She gives a lingering kiss right on my chest, above my heart. "Just like you live right here." Then she puts my hand over her chest, and I can feel her heart beating.

"I love you." I say simply without sugarcoating it. I just feel like letting her know that and I lean down and kiss above her heart too.

"And I love you." She replies with a soft, sweet smile.

There's a moment of silence between us. I lean against the couch and she lays her head on my chest and we don't speak. I regain my bearings and sigh, making her pull her head back to look at me.

"Sam, I need you to tell me something…"

I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the big question. I just have to remind myself that whatever her answer is, whatever she has to share with me, it won't change how much I love her. If my problems won't change a thing for her, then hers will never make me look at her differently. I love her more than anything and anyone in this world. Nothing will ever change that, because it's already in me like a birthmark that won't fade away. She is part of me now, and nothing she can say will ever change that.

"What?" She gazes at me with uncertainty, so I kiss her softly, trying to calm her down as well as myself.

"Why did you cry? That night? Was I hurting you too much?"

She looks down again and doesn't speak. I don't pressure her, because I know it's hard to open yourself up to someone and let them see you entirely. I kiss her forehead and wait for her. I give her all the time in the world, and as soon as she feels comfortable, I know she'll talk to me. I look outside the window, and realize time flew by – it must be way pass noon now.

"I just remembered something." She finally says out of the blue, and I don't move, I just let her dictate the pace this conversation will take.

"And what was that? Was that a bad memory?"

"The worst one I have. It has nothing to do with you, Freddie. It's just…I was so nervous, and when I'm nervous I tend to let my mind wander – it always goes to bad places. It wasn't your fault, I wasn't crying because of you."

"What did you remember? You want to me tell that?"

"I…my mother was never the best mother and my father left when I was really young, so I really never knew him at all. Me and Mel, we always had to take care of ourselves, and my mother would always disappear and only return several days later. This one time, she had been gone for almost a month, and we were out of food…so I had to call grandma. Mother made us promise not to tell, but Mel was really hungry. Grandma took us to her house, and when mother came back…she told her she wasn't going to take us with her again. After that we didn't see her for a while, only when she showed up drunk late at night and yelled at grandma. When the war started, grandma got really sick and died, and my mother just disappeared. I still don't know what happened to her. So me and Mel, we went to live with my uncle and aunt."

I rub her back slowly and let her talk her heart out to me. I'm so sorry her mother and father were bad parents, but I can't understand that because my parents were amazing in their own way.

"My uncle died in the war a few months later, and we saw our aunt fall to pieces. They really loved each other. I never thought about getting married, but if I had to, I would want to marry a man like him and I would want to have what they had – luckily, I found you. I know now, and I understand what she must've felt when he died. Just the thought of losing you made me scared shitless."

"You'll never have to worry about that again." I whisper, kissing her forehead.

"I know…" She hugs me for a while before starting to speak again. "When things got really bad, me, Mel and Aunt Clara, we hid underneath the barn. Grandpa had made that hiding place years back because he was paranoid – he had been in Vietnam. We stuffed as much food as we could there, and moved underground. I guess we spent about eleven months there, hiding from the war and from the world. But we started to run out of food, so we had to go up to get it…"

Her voice starts to shake, and her eyes darken with tears threatening to fall. I calm her down, doing my best not to make her feel bad again – I don't want her to be hurt. I kiss her cheek, her nose, her mouth and tell her that I love her.

"When we were coming back…this group of foreigner soldiers spotted us, so we ran. I was so scared, Freddie…" She cries out, burying her face against my neck.

I feel this pressure in my chest and I don't want to know what's coming next, but I have to. I have to know. We are one, no more secrets. Just half of the story won't do.

"Shhh…it's okay love, it's alright."

"There was no time for the three of us get into the shelter. They would've seen us and followed us down there, so Aunt Clara told us to run and hide, and she stayed behind."

She cries harder and it makes me want to tell her to stop talking – this is hurting her and its hurting me even more. I can feel the pain with every word she says, and it's killing me.

"It's okay, Sam…you don't have to say anything else, it's alright. I don't care, I don't need to know."

"No, no. I have to finish it, you have to know." She sniffs, wipes her own tears away and keeps talking. "Me and Mel, we ran and hid, but they were able to get Aunt Clara…there was a crack in the wood, where I could see everything…Mel closed her eyes, she wouldn't watch it, but I couldn't keep my eyes closed. I felt like if I did they would find us and hurt us. And I couldn't let them hurt Melanie. I couldn't close my eyes…not even for a second."

"It's okay, Sam." I say when I notice her hands are shaking. "It's alright, you can stop now."

"No! I have to get this off my chest. Please? Let me do it!" She snaps.

"Okay." I tell her. "All right."

"When they asked her about the little girls, she told them that we ran away. They searched for us, but we covered our mouths and kept quiet. When they didn't find us, one of them got really mad and slapped my aunt across the face, making her fall on the ground. He ripped off her dress and…There were five of them, and each and every one of them…they…you know." She says in a pain filled voice. "They hurt her, and they wouldn't stop laughing. They were drunk. They were drinking, beating her and I know she was hurting, but she wouldn't move, she didn't do anything to stop them so we could stay safe. After the last one was done, he took a sip from his bottle, and took out his gun…and he shot her right in the face…twice. W-We had to stay under there for days with her corpse above us…bleeding through the cracks in the wood…until there was no blood left in her."

She starts to shake and sob uncontrollably, and I hug her. I bring her to my lap and cry with her, because whatever hurts her, hurts me. I kiss her again and again, I tell her I'm sorry, that no one is ever going to hurt her like that, I'm going to keep her safe no matter what I have to do. And I feel so bad for snapping at her that night, I didn't know this was so hard for her, but I didn't know because I never asked, and I never asked because I was afraid to know. Of course she would be scared and she would relate sex to what she saw and I couldn't blame her for that. Suddenly I feel so stupid. I was the one who ended up in the hospital, but she was the one really suffering.

"I'm so sorry Sam…if had known that…" I tell her, my voice shaking. It comes out like a uneven sob.

"You couldn't know…its okay, Freddie. That is done, it's over, it's in the past. And now that I told you that, now that I told that to someone, I feel much better. I feel like I can move on now."

"You know that I would never let anyone do that to you, right? I would never hurt you or allow anyone to do that. With me you'll always be safe, Sam."

"I know…I know that."

"I'll always love you and protect you. I'll always take care of you, I promise."

She nods and wraps her arms around my neck. We lay back into the couch, with her on top of me. I keep caressing her back and kissing her head, telling her over and over again that I love her.

"That doesn't change anything for you, does it?" She asks without looking at me.

"It changes everything." She turns her head to look at me, and I brush a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Now I know what was really going through your mind. Now I know you didn't do anything to hurt me. Now I know your deepest, darkest secret Sam, and it changes everything now that I know. But if you're asking if it changes the way I feel about you, the answer is no, because nothing and no one can ever change that, and I want you to be certain of this."

She leans forward and kisses me, then rests her head back on my chest.

"I feel like I've gotten so lucky and I really don't know why." She tells me.

"Because you deserve every ounce of happiness in this world, Sam, and I wanna give you just that, and everything else you might wish for."

"All I want is you. That's all I need."

"That you already have, and you'll never lose that, my love. Never – not if I can help it."

"And some bacon…" She says after a while.

"You know, I think I might have some of that in the fridge, too." I chuckle.

"Promise you'll never let me run out of it?"

"Never! What do you think I am? Stupid?" I laugh.

"I'm just making sure." She chuckles, and sighs into my chest.

If she asked me for the moon, the stars and the universe, I would give it all to her. I know it sounds cliché, but I would give her every ounce of sand in the beach, and every drop of water from the ocean if it would make her happy, and still, all she wants is me. Never once had someone wanted nothing but me, and I never wanted anything but just one person before – one love.

And I would do anything to keep her – even kill for it.

A/N: Hey I'm back! Updating right now so I can go to sleep! Can we please not talk about that ridiculous episode please? Seriously Dan, FUCK you! I hate you for ruining Freddie's character for me! Dickhead! But I don't want to talk about it, I'm just too sad! My fiancé thinks, well, that Freddie is doing that to get back at Sam for dragging Zayn into their elevator, flirting with him and probably making out with him where they (obviously) did the deed. Doesn't Freddie know Zayn is as gay as it gets? HE'S IN LOVE WITH LIAM YOU DUMB ASS! (ziam is my new OTP, btw.) Anyway, I'll shut up now. I hope you guys like Sam's background story and can understand a little bit more of her behavior and why she is the way she is. If not, well, I tried.

Edited by (the fantastic) clarksonfan!

Incubus – Dig (My favorite song in the whole wide world!)