I do not own any characters. They all belong to Andraste's Lover, Bioware. Love to my beta reader Eruya! Sorry I was gone for so long. I am going to start getting into this again. Hope you enjoy this chapter! Rated M for language and lemons.

Chapter 25

There was a chill in the air, causing me to shiver as I snuggled into my blankets. Blankets. Pillow. Bed. I breathed in the air, smelling the snow on it. Was it snowing? I felt the sun through the windows shining down and I felt comfort. I never wanted to leave this bed. This bed was a haven where no bad thoughts or things happened. I quickly remembered who was in bed with me when I fell asleep last night. Why wasn't there an arm draped over me? My eyes flew open and I sat up, feeling the dizziness from the quick movement. I put a hand to my forehead, pushing my hair aside, my eyes searching for Cullen.

He was sitting at my desk, papers scattered on the surface. There was a report in his hand and he was leaning back in the chair, concentration solely on his report. I let out a sigh of relief and smiled at the scene before me. I brought up my knees, wrapping my arms around them, missing this. Him working and me watching as his forehead crinkles as he concentrated on what was written in the report.

Cullen hadn't left my side for the past few days. Even going so far as moving his office into my room as my lyrium attacks started coming more often. The beginning of the end, Anders told us. Soon it will be only a couple times a week. Push through it, we are on the winning end. We had a long journey, and many sleepless nights. Last night was the first night I slept without waking. The first night not lying awake thinking about lyrium. Craving it. It felt like a sleep after taking NyQuil for a cold. Cullen glanced over, and he smiled at me, his eyes warming as he took me in.

"You slept," he told me, placing the report he was looking at down, focusing on me. I nodded smiling at him. Today was the first time in a long time that I felt sort of like my old self. That I thought I could eventually be my old self.

"I slept," I repeated, running my fingers through my hair, attempting to comb it out and wiping the dried drool from my cheek. "Hard, apparently."

Cullen chuckled, coming toward me, sitting on the edge of my bed next to me. He admired my morning hair and smiled at me. "How do you get your hair to get to this point every night?" He touched it, raising eyebrows at me.

I shrugged, giving him a bit of a smile. "It's a talent." I saw snow falling from the window and I took a deep breath. "How did you tame yours?" I teased, seeing his face turn to one of surprise with a tint of red.

"Point taken," Cullen agreed, grabbing my hand. "You seem to be doing well today," he observed, a curl falling onto his forehead. "What were your plans for the day?"

I played with our fingers, glancing down at them. "I was thinking that I would go talk to the Inquisitor today." I glanced up at him. "Maybe even walk there by myself."

His whiskey eyes warmed and he lifted an eyebrow. "Walk by yourself to the Inquisitor's room?"

I hesitated, not knowing what to say completely. "I'll stop and take breaks when I need them. But I want to build muscle back up. It won't happen with you carrying me around everywhere." I tucked hair behind my ear. "It's not that far."

"I was focusing on the alone part of that statement," he quipped, assessing me. "Not that I've minded being close to you. I actually prefer it."

I rubbed my face with my hand, blushing. "You tell that to all the ladies," I mumbled. Cullen chuckled, leaning forward to kiss my forehead.

"I've missed your smart mouth," he told me, and he rested his forehead on mine. I brought my hands to his chest, feeling his heartbeat before interlocking my fingers with his slowly.

"I missed everything," I began, and Cullen leaned a bit back to look at me. His scent comforted me, and I took a second to think before continuing. "I love you so much for staying with me and appreciate you even moving your office in here, but I think it's time for you to go back to our old routines." Cullen was about to protest, but I continued speaking before he had a chance. "I've got a team of people that can help me. Hawke, Dorian, and even Varric. Honestly, anyone here. The soldiers need you and I'm kind of particular about my desk."

He studied me, his face softening before glancing back at the desk. "Are you saying I'm being kicked out of your bedroom?" His amber eyes had a bit of amusement and he brushed some of my hair from my eyes, tucking it behind my ear.

"Only for work," I assured him. "I just…I just feel that if I'm going to get better, I can't rely on you like I have. It's not fair for either of us." I moved the curl from his forehead. I lowered my voice and leaned forward a little more. "You are more than welcome to stay at night. I think that's when I'll need you most." He chuckled, and I felt my heart expand with the sound of it. "Seriously, it's easier to face things in the day than at night. Monsters and all."

Cullen gently smiled, cupping my face. "I don't think that will be an issue." He scrunched his forehead, locking eyes. "Are you going to be alright?"

I nodded, reaching up to kiss him trying to convey that though I wasn't fixed, I would be okay. I wasn't broken. He wrapped his other arm around my waist, pulling me to him. For the first time since getting here, I felt excitement rush in my veins. I put a hand in his hair, the other on his chest, needing this. I felt his heart pounding under my hand, and I knew mine was echoing it. It was still there between us. That passion. There was a knock on the door before it opened, footsteps causing us to separate.

"What?" Cullen growled, and he swung around to glare in annoyance at Dorian, who wore an amused grin on his face.

"Was I interrupting something naughty?" His eyes twinkled with mischief and his mustache twitched. "No? Shame." He leaned against the doorway, arms crossed, studying us. "Based on the Commander's tone, I almost did."

Cullen rolled his eyes, letting go of me, his hand on his thigh, his stare pure Commander intimidation. "I assume you came here for a reason."

Dorian quirked an eyebrow and pushed himself with his foot from the wall, his hands going to his hips. "I was the unfortunate soul chosen to recruit you to the war table."

"Unfortunate?" I asked with a bit of amusement. I forgot how every day conversation between everyone was. My brain was still getting used to the quips and jokes set during the journey here. Would I ever be able to do that with them again? As easily as I did before? Yes. Yes, yes you will.

Dorian's grey eyes landed on my blue ones and he crossed his arms. "You may not have noticed, but the Commander is more bark than anything."

I chuckled, giving an amused look over at Cullen. Cullen placed a hand on the back of his neck, his face reddening a little. "I don't bark."

Dorian gave a sarcastic laugh. "I never thought of you as a joker, Commander," he teased. "You are more than welcome to join, I'm sure," Dorian directed to me, a smile still on his face.

"Thanks, but maybe another day," I told him. He nodded, giving me an understanding look before glancing between Cullen and me. He cleared his throat, giving a smirk before starting to turn on his heel.

"If you feel the need to escape in a book or some wine, you know where to find me." His tone was serious, and he gave me a raised brow and last look before leaving. I watched the door closed, anxious about walking out it by myself. You can do it.

"What is the war meeting about?" I asked Cullen, as he went to my desk to gather some reports. His eyes quickly went to me before returning to his papers.

"Not quite certain. I wasn't aware that there was going to be one," Cullen told me. His face softened as I nodded quietly, thinking about the fact that the events of this world still happen, even if something terrible happens to me. There wasn't a pause button here. Not in Thedas. "I worry about you."

His words repeated themselves in my mind. I was tired of being worried about. I didn't need anyone to worry anymore. I ran a hand through my hair and gave him a reassuring smile. "I'll be fine. Don't worry. Go be Commander." I pulled the covers off me. "Seriously, I'll take things slow."

The chill from the winter air made me shiver as it hit my bare legs. Shit, I forgot how cold winter was. I wasn't going to lie, I was excited to check out Skyhold in all its winter glory. I stood up and wrapped my arms around myself, the fabric warm from sleeping yet, watching Cullen hurry to collect what he thought he might need.

He held the reports in his right hand, his face not convinced at my words. "Of course," he told me, his eyes taking in my legs. I blushed, and I felt the butterflies flitter for a moment. He cleared his throat, his left hand going to the back of his neck. "I-I…they're waiting for me in the war room."

I smiled, loving that we were both awkward even after all this time. Reaching out a hand, I grabbed his arm, stopping him from heading out. He glanced at me with question, but I stood on my tiptoes, kissing him, a hand curling into his hair. He responded enthusiastically, his free hand holding my face.

I smiled against his lips, and Cullen sighed. "They're waiting for you Commander Cullen," I told him, leaning away from him. His eyes lingered on my face, and there was a warmth there that I haven't seen in a very long time. A warmth that was relief and a bit of playfulness. It's been so long since we were able to genuinely smile. His smile made me blush as he smirked over his shoulder as he exited the room, the door closing behind him.

I stood with my arms crossed, not wanting this old feeling to disappear. Today was a new day. I would learn to use what happened to me to make me stronger. Starting physically. I would do whatever I could to get myself to be better than I was.

This felt odd. The old feeling of worth and determination. Maybe it was sitting in bed for so long. Maybe it was learning that Nightmare was most likely back. Maybe it was that I wasn't the type of girl to break for long. I was a King. Kings get back up when they are down. One step at a time.

These past days in Skyhold must have helped more than I thought. Being in a place I considered safe. A place that was home. Where there were people that would protect me. That I could trust. I knew what I needed to do first. Talk to Iron Bull. Make sure he knew I didn't view him as a monster. Convince him that I wasn't scared of him. That's what I needed to do, but would I? Was I prepared to do that?

I pulled out some pants and a shirt from the trunk. I threw them on slowly, making sure to pull the belt as tight as it could go. I grabbed the comb, combing out the tangles, already feeling tired from the effort. I called it good enough, knowing that no one really cared. I pulled on my boots before throwing on my blue armor fabric and mantle, wanting to be warm outside. I grabbed the gloves that were meant to go with my armor, feeling happy with the warmth the black fur provided. I finished buckling my belt to the fabric, letting out a huge sigh. I was so ready to do this. I got this.

Movement caught my attention, and I realized it was my reflection in a mirror. I moved toward it slowly, wondering how I looked after a bit of recovery. I frowned, noticing that the bags under my eyes were not cured by the one night of blissful sleep. My face wasn't as sunken but the scars on the top of my cheeks from the mask were a bit more obvious than before. Anders said it would look worse before it got better. There was only so much magic could do.

Those cheek ones were bearable to look at. They weren't odd and almost scary. They didn't hold the memories like the other ones did. I clenched my jaw looking at the scars by lips. Those dots that haunted my dreams and reality. The ones that took away my confidence and awareness. The ones that made me remember I was nothing, even if I reminded myself otherwise. The ones that they knew would always remind me of who I truly was. Saarebas. No. Kassandra King.

My eyes went to the closed door and I knew what I truly was afraid of. The stares. The way people will gawk at what happened to me. The questions that will fill their eyes but be unasked. The pity that will be shining in their eyes, everyone knowing what happened to me. Treating me differently, like I was going to break at any moment. I knew I needed to push past this. Show them I could be strong. I needed a routine. A sense of purpose again. To stop the self-pity. It was annoying.

I reached out a hand toward my lute, brushing my fingers on it. I hesitated, wondering if I was willing to take it with me. Wrapping my fingers around it, I knew I would regret leaving it. I slowly threw it on my back, feeling a bit more like me with it. Come on Captain King. Let's rejoin Skyhold.

The steps to the door were purposeful and I knew this was a big moment for me. I mentally sighed, rolling my eyes at myself. Still dramatic. At least that didn't change. I reached out a hand, opening the door and took my first step into the outside world by myself.

The air on my face felt nice and my lips formed a smile. I always enjoyed the winter air and the freshness it brought with it. The only thing better was the air after rain. I took a step, feeling a little hesitant with the action. This was it. This was the world unchaperoned. This was the world post crazy Kassy. You got this.

As I observed Skyhold from the rampart, I realized one thing. Whatever idea I had about winter in Skyhold, it wasn't this. I pictured snowball fights between Bull and the Chargers. I saw people in furs, strutting around with smiles on their faces. Did I picture it like old Victorian England almost? Yes. Yes, apparently, I did. This was not the case.

Just like modern folk, people in Thedas don't do well with cold either. Why is this surprising to me though? Seeing how Haven was covered in snow. They put up with it, but there weren't snuggly fires and laughter in the air. No, no. There wasn't any of that. For some reason, that made it easier to bear with what I was doing.

I tried to let myself wander freely, but my feet had different ideas. Now that they were stronger, and I was able to move around easier, I was feeling more me. I thought I would be tired once I got to Cullen's office, but the little walks out of bed around my room must have made a difference after all. Always listen to the healer. Moral of the story.

Cullen's office was just as I remembered it, except without quite so many reports since he made my room his office. I gently touched the desk, running my fingers across it softly while glancing around the office. I smiled at the ladder and went to the other side of the desk, standing in front of his chair. Commander King. Why yes, that's me. Report Commander. Ah, yes, I was expecting this. I sat down, knowing full well I would never be able to be Commander. I would have no idea what to do with an army. Leave that to the buff sexy men, right?

I felt a smile form automatically as I saw a letter from Mia on the table to Cullen. Good, they are still writing. I will not nosey into that. I grabbed a fresh piece of paper and dipped a quill into some ink. I slowly wrote a message for Cullen, not sure if or when he'd find it, but content to know it was there for him one day.

I leaned back in the chair, wondering what to do now. Where do I go? What do I do? I let out a deep breath and slowly walked from his office to Solas' office. Solas was not there, and I thanked the Maker for that. I wasn't sure I could handle Solas talk right now. Wrapping my mantle around me more, I opened the door to the Great Hall. No one seemed to notice my entrance and a sigh came out, letting my tense shoulders drop.

"Prophet," Varric's voice called. I turned slowly to him, the voice sending an alarmed and soothing feeling through me. Varric and Hawke were at a table, previously in deep conversation based on their body language. Varric studied me for a moment, his eyes quickly assessing me. He patted the seat next to him and I went and sat next to him.

Many glanced over at me with the sound of my name, the cold driving them to the warmth of the Great Hall and most likely the tavern. Whispering started quickly and I knew my fear was coming into play. Stay strong. You are Kassy King, not Saarebas. I sat my lute on the table next to me and turned toward the people whispering. Many gawked at my scars, mostly Orlesians. I put a hand to my face, going to stand up, but Hawke reached across and grabbed my hand.

"Stay, Kassy. Please?" He gave me a gentle smile and I gave a quick glance over at the others in the hall. "Forget about them. Sit." He leaned forward and blew out the candle on the table, causing some shadow at the table. "There. Now we can hide in the shadows."

"You brought your lute. That's a good sign," Varric noted, easing me down gently. I slowly sat, my eyes casted toward them. I nodded at him, gently touching the lute lovingly.

"I thought it would make me feel more like me," I informed them, tucking hair behind my ear. The shadows were somehow comforting. I closed my eyes taking some deep breaths. I closed off everyone around me and focused only on Varric and Hawke, who fell back into conversation, once they saw I was doing my own thing.

The silence that usually killed me, now felt peaceful. I felt a sigh leave my chest and my fingers stroked the lute again. I concentrated on the silence and soon, even my friends' voices weren't there. I leaned back in my chair, hand still on lute, hoping to be in the shadows more. I felt the peace rise in me, and an uncontrollable need to let this feeling out. What was this? A need I never had besides with first falling for Cullen. The old need that knew only one cure for my hurt and excitement. Any life changing event.

The words tumbled from my lips and I was surprised that they started. "Hello, darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again." There was a pulsing in my chest and a sense of desperation. Something that has been building up in me. A song that has been in the back of my mind. My voice was a bit rough as I felt more emotion creep in from my throat. "Because a vision softly creeping, Left its seeds while I was sleeping. And the vision that was planted in my brain, Still remains. Within the sound of silence." I grabbed my lute from the table into my lap, my eyes going toward Varric and Hawke, who were frozen staring at me, both in deep thought. I could tell they weren't expecting this from me.

"In restless dreams I walked alone. Narrow streets of cobblestone'. Neath the halo of a street lamp. I turned my collar to the cold and damp. When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a bright light. That split the night. And touched the sound of silence." My eyes looked over at Hawke, almost pleading for him to understand, and I saw it. In his eyes, the understanding. The comradery. The knowing of silence and the torture and peace it brings you.

"And in the naked light I saw. Ten thousand people, maybe more. People talking without speaking. People hearing without listening. People writing songs that voices never share. And no one dare. Disturb the sound of silence." Many were looking at me with the passion in my voice and the feel of the lute. They stopped to listen, silent and frozen much like Hawke and Varric. I noticed the others coming out from the war meeting, still talking to each other before they recognized the voice singing. I saw the flashes of my own torture when Iron Bull came out. I shook my head and kept singing. "Fools," said I, "You do not know: Silence, like a cancer, grows. Hear my words that I might teach you. Take my arms that I might reach you," But my words like silent raindrops fell. And echoed in the wells of silence. And the people bowed and prayed. To the light god they made. And the sign flashed out its warning. In the words that it was forming. And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the castle walls. And tenement halls. And whispered in the sound of silence." I felt my fingers going freely on the strings, this song being one that was a family favorite, mine particularly the Disturbed version. I finished the last note and then stopped, my focus on my fingers on the strings. I slowly looked up at the hall hesitantly.

I felt like face palming myself when I saw everyone looking toward me. Today was supposed to be a day of happiness, not whatever sad shit I just sang. I glanced around nervously and forced a small smile on my face. You got this Captain. Focus.

Hawke placed a hand on my back and smiled at me reassuringly and with complete understanding in his eyes. "Did that help?" He asked me gently. I nodded and gave a small smile with a blush. He winked and returned the smile before taking a drink.

"You keep surprising me," Varric chuckled, giving me a knowing look as well. He raised his glass and studied me. "You know heroes earn battle scars."

I raised an eyebrow at him, unable to help the smile that formed. "I'm no hero Varric," I replied.

"You are in my story, Prophet," he gently assured me before turning back to Hawke and drinking some more ale. I felt some tears in my eyes, but good ones. I leaned my lute against the table and smiled softly at it, gently stroking it as I took my hand from it.

There was a hand on my back and I quickly turned to see Cullen there, his eyes taking me in. I gave a genuine grin when I saw him, my anxieties easing a little. His worry faded slightly and he leaned down next to me, smiling. "Captain," he started, a bit of a twinkle in his eyes. "Still alright?"

I nodded and kissed him quickly. "Is this because of the song?" I asked him genuinely. He gave me a, yeah, it's because of the fucking song, look. I sighed and grabbed his face, letting my hands hold his gently before I gave him another soft kiss. "I swear I'm good." I stared into his eyes for a moment, memorizing them. "How was the meeting?"

With that one question, Cullen was back to his full commander mode. His eyes almost rolled, and I almost laughed. "There are a lot of opinions on our next move," he stated. I knew this mode. He was in annoyed commander mode. Usually this only happened with Dorian and Morrigan at a war meeting…Morrigan. She was there. What part would they be at now? After the ball what did you do in game? What was the next big event? I drifted away in my thoughts, trying to arrange the steps in my head. Did it matter? Yes. It did. What was it? Think.

"The mirror," I whispered more to myself than anyone else. Have they gone to defeat Samson and figure out the mirror?

Cullen touched my face gently, bringing my attention back to him. His whiskey eyes studied mine, trying to decide what I was thinking about. I saw the frustration that has been sneaking into his expressions more and more often. I knew it was frustrating for him to not understand me like he used to. It was time for me to talk about it. Instead of facing the world, maybe I should face my demons. It would make the world a whole lot easier to process.

Suddenly a realization dawned on me and I felt a warmth in my chest, my heart beating faster. How long did I picture seeing Cullen's face? Touch him? So many things that I swore to do if I ever saw Cullen again. I felt some tears in my eyes as I thought about those dark days. The days when I clung on to him to survive. It didn't matter what the world treated me like. It didn't matter how they looked at me. It was only him that I wanted to have stare. Only his opinion that mattered. You wanted to grow and move on today? Here is your chance Kassy. Start the mental healing. At least physically I can walk by myself.

"I really need to talk," I began, his eyes softening at those words. "And I know, today I told you that I wanted to see Branwen and…and physically walk…but…do you? Do you think? I know you are Commandering basically the world…and I have been eating a lot of your time. I…I just-."

Cullen stopped me with a kiss. I felt a bit of a smile form at this and I hesitantly looked at him. He liked springing surprise kisses on his women. Golden eyes met my grey ones and I wondered what he was thinking right now. I glanced quickly over at Hawke, his eyes studying Cullen with thoughtfulness. Cullen grabbed my lute before grabbing my hand and bringing it up to his lips. "Come on, Love."

I stood up and he squeezed my hand tighter. You got this Captain. Sure, you might sound completely looney to him when you tell him about your world, but it is what it is. I knew what would happen once I started talking. Once I started to cry, I knew that it wouldn't end with talking about torture. There would be an endless story, that for him, would be probably the most confusing. Not that most of what I said didn't already confuse him.

Cullen led me to his office, grabbing a piece of paper and scribbled down some information. He gave me a small smile as he looked up from what he was writing, and I felt chills down my arms. How was he always able to do this to me? I couldn't help but respond with a smile of my own and he came over to kiss my cheek. "I have to give this over to the recruits and then I'm yours."

I nodded, and he walked out of the door to the right of his desk, talking to a recruit stationed outside. He handed the paper off to the recruit and I knew he was in complete commander mode. I watched his face as he talked, stern and powerful. I knew his tone would be all business and that he was making sure that everything was done according to how he wanted them. A couple minutes later, he came in, satisfied that his orders would be done according to how he wanted them.

Cullen shut the door, giving me a soft smile. "Your room, I'm guessing," he asked, and I nodded. He put a hand on the small of my back, guiding me to it, slowly making their way there. I ran a hand through my hair before sitting. I was nervous about this talk, not wanting him to think I was crazy.

Maker's Breath, please let him understand.