Title: Captain of What?
Words: 2687
Main Character(s): Captain Jack Harkness, Nick Fury, Maria Hill, Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, Bruce Banner, Thor Odinsson, Loki Laufeysson, Clint Barton, Phil Coulson
Notes: You read that right. This one is definitely a stand-alone as it is Torchwood crossover crack. Pure, utter, terrible crack. I lay the blame squarely at the feet of DragonSigma. No ownie.
"Director Fury," Natasha said, striding into his office. "Here's my assessment report. To summarize, I would highly recommend retaining him in a consulting capacity, as I did with Stark, rather than hiring. He's been a team leader for too long, I suspect there'd be too much conflict with the dynamic of the team as it is now. Among other control issues. He's worse than Tony Stark." She handed over the folder to the director. "But there is nobody on earth more knowledgeable about alien threats."
"I note that you've convinced him to come meet with the team to go over the Chitauri incident," Fury said, reading the report, "but you've neglected to mention how."
"I felt that detail unnecessary, sir," Natasha said coolly. "The detailed version is rather extensive, if you do require it."
"No need," Fury said, setting the folder down. "This man has expressed no hostility towards Earth in about 200 years of known residence. We do need his knowledge and resources, if our experiments with the Tessarect and our alliance with Asgard are indeed a calling sign to the universe."
"Are we going to assemble the team on the Helicarrier, sir?" Natasha asked. Fury shook his head.
"You mentioned a possible personality clash, and I ain't havin' that happenin' 30,000 feet above the sea," Fury said, putting away the folder. "If anybody's place is gonna get trashed, it's gonna be Stark's. 'Least he don't have to go to the government for repair funds."
{}
"Hey, Steve," Bruce said, greeting the soldier as he stepped out of the lift and into the bar/lounge on the top floor of Stark Tower. It had become something of a communal place whenever several of them were in New York at the same time. "How was Germany?"
"It's actually a beautiful country," Steve said, sitting himself down on a couch. "When you're not looking at it tactically, I mean. It's the first time I've been there that nobody tried to kill me."
"Eh, what's a vacation without a near-death experience?" Tony said, pausing the video game that he was playing with Clint to wave at Steve.
"Normal?" Bruce suggested.
"Boring," Tony said, nodding. He switched the game off. "Remind me never to play shooters against you. Why did I think that was a good idea?"
"Actually, the accuracy of this game's terrible," Clint said, dropping his controller. "How the hell are you supposed to aim right?"
"Where are Thor and Natasha?" Steve asked.
"Natasha's escorting in this consultant we're meeting," Bruce said. "I don't know about Thor."
"Jarvis? Any clue?" Tony said.
"Miss Foster reported that he left Oslo four hours ago," the AI reported. "Given Mr Odinsson's average flight speed, he should be arriving in approximately ten minutes."
"He's flying himself?" Steve asked.
"I offered him a plane, but he says he flies faster," Tony said with a shrug. "He'd eat me out of inflight meals, anyway."
"So who is this guy that we're meeting?" Bruce asked. "Steve, Clint, do either of you know?"
"Consultant from Cardiff is what I heard," Clint said with a shrug. "Former British military and secret service. Apparently, he's an authority on extraterrestrials. The WSC actually suggested him. I'd call that unusually helpful of them if they couldn't have brought him up before New York got invaded by aliens. Seems like the Brits have been keeping a lot of alien interaction under their belts."
"Keep calm and carry on!" Tony piped up, miming raising a cup of tea.
There was a rumble of thunder outside, and Thor dropped down onto the balcony outside.
"Greetings, comrades," he said, slinging Mjolnir onto his belt as he stepped inside. "How does everyone fare this day?"
"We're doing well," Steve said. "How's Miss Foster?"
"Engaged in some very exciting research regarding anomalous star patterns," Thor said, looking pleased. Thunder rumbled outside.
"Y'know Fury hates it when you drag stormclouds with you?" Clint put in. "The quinjet's flight can get pretty messed up in rough weather."
"They shall clear up momentarily," Thor said dismissively. "When shall the man we are to meet arrive?"
"Miss Romanov had estimated her arrival time to be in twenty-four minutes," Jarvis offered. "In the meantime, a briefing on Captain Harkness has been transmitted." A photograph of a dashing, dark-haired man appeared on one of the holoscreen windows, with information sheets appearing on the others. "Name: Jack Harkness, not his real name, real name unknown. Age unknown, estimated to be upwards of two hundred. Reputed to be immortal."
"Y'know, he looks kind of familiar," Steve said with a frown. "Can I see his military record?" The requested document appeared onscreen. The man had seen active service during the Boer War, World War One and World War Two. "We worked with a British special unit a couple of times in Poland. I wonder if I met him there."
"Hey, you two old buddies can hang out and share war stories," Tony said, reading one of the briefing forms. "Y'know, if I didn't know you guys, I wouldn't be buying any of this. This guy's supposed to have been shot, stabbed, drowned, trampled and blown up and he's still alive?"
"Well, it says he does die, he just don't stay that way," Clint observes. "Wonder if it's another super-soldier serum? I once spent two months chasing rumours of a guy like that in Canada. Never found anything."
"I'd kill for a blood sample from someone with a healing factor like that," Bruce says thoughtfully.
"Well, you can," Tony points out. "He'll be fine in a few minutes!"
{}
"Gentlemen, I'd like to formally introduce you all to Captain Jack Harkness," Natasha said, stepping out of the lift with the Captain in tow. He was as tall as Steve and wearing a dark, old-fashioned long coat. He was also even more handsome in real life than he was in the photo. Everyone thought it, nobody admitted to it.
"Captain Harkness, I think we met in Poland in about '44?" Steve said, shaking his hand. "I'm the leader here-"
"Captain Rogers!" Captain Harkness said, smiling brightly and shaking Steve's hand. "I remember you! I never forget a pretty face in a tight uniform. I heard you'd gone missing in combat?"
"Just got frozen for awhile," Steve said. "They found me a couple years ago."
"Good to have you back," Jack said. "Your unit were really broken up about losing you. Nice guys. I managed to cheer a couple of them up."
"Oh, thank you," Steve said, looking in confusion at Tony when the man sniggered. "Anyway, Natasha you've already met. I'd like to introduce you to Agent Clint Barton, Doctor Bruce Banner, Tony Stark and-"
"I knew your old man back in the day too," Jack said, nodding to Tony. "Had a few wild nights out. Maria was a lovely woman too, and an absolute saint to tame Howie. Far too good for him, probably."
"Ain't that the truth," Tony said. "Nice to meet you, Captain Harkness."
"And this is Thor, son of Odin," Steve said, introducing him to the last member of the Avengers. "The Thunder God… well, an alien, strictly speaking, from the planet Asgard…"
"Hey, just 'cause my speciality is fighting aliens doesn't mean I'm against them," Jack said, making the rounds of shaking everyone's hands. "Some of my best friends have been aliens. Some of my best lays, too." He winked at Thor, patting his bicep as he walked past. "So, anyway, Chitauri, huh? Damn, they came a long way to screw up New York…"
{}
They spent three days discussing the Chitauri attack, getting alien invasion simulations programmed into Jarvis' holographic simulation subroutine, and evidently winning enough of the Captain's trust to be let in on some of Torchwood's extraterrestrial records. Captain Harkness was a charming guy, who managed to get some alone time with every one of the Avengers.
"Can I see the Ark Reactor?" he asked Tony. "Just curious."
"Sure, why not," Tony said, stepping back from the hologram of Loki's staff and pulling up his shirt. Jack leaned extremely close to have a look; it would be called too close for comfort if the guy didn't smell so damn nice.
"Oh, very nice," Jack said eventually. "Very, very nice. Like the reactor, too," he added, straightening up with a wink. "This really is ahead of its time. We've got power supplies that don't look too different from that when I'm from. Smaller, more powerful, but the basic design…"
"When you're from?" Tony asked sceptically, dropping his shirt.
"Oh, just you wait," Jack said, grinning. "You're at the beginning of a very exciting time here…"
{}
"That was interesting," Jack commented as Bruce stepped out of his Smash Room, a little sweaty pulling the tie on his sweatpants tighter. "Gamma imbalance, from the looks of it. I know a really good doctor that could have a look at that for you, y'know."
"It's alright," Bruce said. "The Other Guy and I are getting along pretty well these days. He's handy to have around when there are aliens invading the planet or anything. You could say that he's the brawn and I'm the brains."
"You're not exactly skinny yourself," Jack laughed. "Are you the only guy in the tower that doesn't wax?"
"That is not a question I've ever asked the others, to be completely honest," Bruce said, reaching for his shirt.
"C'mon," Jack said, "don't tell me you never noticed…"
{}
"You're from Asgard, right?" Jack said, catching Thor making himself a batch of pop-tarts. Tony had installed a huge twelve-slot toaster in his kitchen for this very purpose. "I've only been there once. Gorgeous place, absolutely beautiful. Gorgeous people, too. I mean, wow. Pretty sure I've got some Asgardian ancestry myself, if you couldn't tell," he added in a low tone with a dazzling grin.
"Ancestors of Asgard?" Thor asked curiously.
"Oh yeah, Midgard and Asgard are about to mix in a big way," Jack said. "Citizens of earth are about to get even prettier, and Asgardians are gonna get a hell of a lot more mellow. Y'know, some humans worry that if they go out into the Universe they're going to end up in wars with everywhere, but truth is, humans are the greatest dancers there are, if you know what I mean… make love, not war, and all that."
"You are a very strange human," Thor said, plucking the finished pop-tarts out and piling them on a plate. He picked up one to eat, but Jack leaned over and snatched a bite.
{}
"Quite a view, isn't it?" Jack said, striding out of the roof access door with his hands in his pockets and standing on the roof edge, looking out over New York. Clint didn't bother to make him step back or warn him about the high force winds that tended to hit the building this high up. The previous day, Jack had shot himself in the heart, lay medically dead for about two minutes under Bruce's watch, and then gasped back to life. If he wanted to risk having to deal with the hurt of falling fifty stories, that was his business. "Wait 'til you see New New York. That's really a city that never sleeps, by then they've invented the sleep pill- drop the pill, sit down for five minutes while your brain and muscles get refreshed, and then you're back at it again for twelve hours. Took 'em a few goes to get it right, of course, early batches came with heart and lung problems, so you might want to steer clear of that."
"It's fine, if we wanna go sleep-deprived we can always whack each other with that staff of Loki's," Clint said with a shrug. Jack smiled sympathetically.
"Mind control's never fun," he said. "Though I gotta say, it's still better than outright manipulation. At least with mind control, you're being, well, controlled. There's more than a few slick bastards out there who can make you do the worst shit, while convincing you that it's all your own will, all stuff that you chose to do. Not fun."
"No," Clint agreed, nodding tersely. Jack backed away from the roof edge, sitting down next to Clint.
"So… come up here often?" the Captain asked with a laugh. "I find high places easier to think at, myself… it's amazing what a bit of a view does for you…"
{}
Everyone gathers in Tony's bar on the evening before Jack has to leave. Thor has brought aesirmead, so once the drinking starts, almost everyone goes down pretty quickly and even Thor ends up staggering out, singing loudly and happily. Jack and Steve, however, cannot get drunk, so both of them end up sitting up, drinking the nectar-sweet mead and reminiscing about the war. Jack talks about what he knew about Steve's men after the army.
"Well, saw old Falsworth quite a few times," Jack said, taking a long pull of his mead. "He and I worked with the SSR for quite a while. Went out for a while, too. Not all that acceptable in those days, though, not like it's really going to be, and he got so Britishly uncomfortable about it." Jack laughed as Steve shifted awkwardly. "Am I making you uncomfortable, Captain?"
"No, no," Steve insisted. "I keep hearing people say it's not very Christian, but you know, the way I remember it the Bible was all about love, at least that's the way I was taught as a kid… I guess it doesn't matter that much if it's a man and a woman or two men or anything, right?"
"Exactly," Jack said warmly, putting his hand on Steve's.
{}
Jack made his goodbyes in much the same way that he greeted everyone. Everyone came to see him off, including Pepper, and he shook everyone's hands and gave everyone a kiss goodbye. He claimed it was customary when he was from, and nobody bothered contradicting him. There were quite a few red cheeks and averted eyes once the Captain had left.
"Oh, damn!" Tony suddenly said, slapping his knee. "I meant to ask him about- what was that thing he did, Pepper, that made you-"
"Tony," Pepper hissed, now bright red. Tony looked around unabashedly.
"Yeah, like we were the only ones that slept with him," he said with a broad, unashamed grin. "Jarvis sees all, y'know, guys." Pepper stalked from the room, extremely red. Steve also bolted, which made Tony laugh.
"I, uh, did some diagnostics on his blood," Bruce said, apparently trying to change the subject. "Crossing it with samples of my blood and Steve's might lead to some breakthrough work on our genetic structures to unlock cures to, well, everything…"
"Give me something sciency to pitch the board and I'll get you some funding," Tony promised. Thor and Clint got up to leave while the two mad scientists discussed matters.
"He also naturally produces an extraordinary pheromone," Bruce added placidly. "All but irresistible to humans."
"So that's why he smelled so good," Clint muttered, before catching himself and leaving quickly.
"Did he smell that good to you, Thor?" Tony asked, grinning. "I mean, you're not human, so, y'know, in the interests of science-"
Thor was already gone. Tony laughed again.
"The Other Guy liked it too," Bruce muttered, unable to help laughing himself. Tony could be infectious, almost as much as Captain Harkness.
{}
Agent Coulson arrived to escort Captain Harkness out to a quinjet after the debriefing aboard the Helicarrier. On the way out, the Captain gave both Maria and Director Fury a slap on the ass.
Fury gave Maria a Look that said that he would never ask her if she never asked him. She nodded and went back to her work.
Captain Jack Harkness and Phil Coulson sat down in the quinjet. The pilot reported that it would be three hours until they reached Wales, starting from where the helicarrier was in the midatlantic.
"Three hours, huh?" Jack said, putting his hand on Phil's knee. "We'll have to find some way to pass the time, won't me?"
… I don't even know what just happened. I'm not even sorry.