After breakfast, classes began. Flitwick caught Remus up fairly quickly, taking one more piece of homework off his list. In Transfiguration, McGonagall had a review planned. Defense Against the Dark Arts was a different story.
"Ah, Mr. Lupin. I've been wanting to speak with you," Umbridge said when the boys entered her room.
"Yes, Professor?"
"You realize that you have four missing assignments from this class?"
Remus made to answer. "I'm sorry, I was in the Hos-"
"Well, then you'll see why I'll have to give you detention tonight and tomorrow," she said sweetly.
"Look, Professor, he was out. Give him a day to catch up," James protested.
"That is no excuse for missing assignments," Umbridge said, turning to James.
"You had him drink out of an enchanted cup! Isn't that enough punishment?" Sirius said venomously.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Black. It sounds like I misheard you. You didn't just suggest that I would purposely harm a student?" Umbridge asked.
"I didn't suggest it, I stated it," he spat. "For detentions, you make people write with their own blood, when you could have them do any number of other things. You taped Amos Diggory's hand to his desk because he wrote with his left hand. You revel in pain. Don't you dare deny it."
"And what makes you think that I, as you so eloquently put it, 'revel in pain'?"
Sirius hesitated for a moment, then face hardened like stone. "My mum. Whenever I do something wrong, she punishes me. If I do something other than toe the line, you know what she does? She takes out her wand, and I'm hanging from my ankle for hours. Or bound to the floor while she whips me with my father's belt. She- she used the cruciatus curse on me once. And you know what she did while she did it? She laughed. She straight up laughed. You may not laugh, Professor, but you have the same, crazed, smug look in your eyes as she does."
"A firm hand is the best way to teach," Umbridge said. "Your mother is right. I am right."
"Or you are both wrong," Sirius whispered. Face reddening, he turned on his heel and left the classroom.
"Sirius!" Peter called after him.
Sirius did not look back. Peter ran after him.
"James, don't," Remus warned under his breath.
James paid no heed. "Stupe-"
"James!" Remus had thrust down James' wand. "Come on."
With a piercing glare at Umbridge, the two of them made for the door.
"Trying to win my favor, Mr. Lupin?" Umbridge asked. "A monster can't be tamed, you know."
"Go to hell," Remus told her, voice shaking slightly. They proceeded to walk out the door, James livid.
"That bloody git. I'm going to kill her, her and Sirius' mum. Especially his mum. She used the cruciatus curse on him! That's inhumane! And Umbridge approves! And she tried to give you detention because of something she did! You're right, to hell with her. What is she playing at?" he ranted. "The next time I see her, I'm going to hex her into the next century. Same with Mrs. Black. The cruciatus curse!"
He continued in this fashion as they marched up to Gryffindor Tower. Inside the dormitories, Peter and Sirius sat on Sirius' bed.
"-downright terrible, but you've got to keep pushing through," Peter was saying.
"Yeah, well pushing through is getting pretty hard. Have you ever had to deal with that?" Sirius said angrily.
"If it makes you feel any better, James tried to hex Umbridge," Remus said quietly.
Sirius turned. His face was an angry red, though not damp with tears. It was resigned and pained.
"Well, then you care for me more than my own mother," he said darkly.
"She used that curse on you?" James said. "You should have told us."
"It's not an easy thing to say," Sirius whispered. "To know that your parents hate you like that is one thing. To say it is another."
"There's a reason you're in Gryffindor," Remus told him, "You're right, acknowledging something like that takes courage. The fact that you're able to acknowledge that and keep moving forward is really brave. Not… not everyone can do that."
Sirius nodded and took a breath. "Thanks. I think I needed that," he said. Then, he forced the issue off the table. With fake cheerfulness, he continued, "Now, let's just forget about that. I'm not going back to D.A.D.A. This leaves one option: We have a prank to plan. Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Are you sure you don't want to…." Remus started awkwardly.
"No," Sirius said, and that was the end of it. "Any guesses?"
"Umbridge again?" James guessed.
"In the most devious way possible," said Sirius.
"What are we going to do? We already did the teacups," said Peter.
"We do nothing," Sirius explained.
"What?" Peter asked.
Remus gave up a tiny smirk. "Brilliant."
"What?" Peter insisted.
"Umbridge knows that we're going to get back on her, right?" Sirius said, beginning to grin.
Remus added, "So if we trick her into thinking we're planning something, she'll be paranoid."
"I've got to say, I do want to see that," James said.
"Let's do it. Starting tomorrow?" Peter said.
"Tomorrow?" Remus asked. "I think some suspicious conversation is needed at lunch."
"And at dinner," Sirius reminded them. "We've got to be suspicious as possible."
"Oh! After dinner we should pretend to sneak around the grounds and castle!" Peter said, getting excited.
Remus tensed. "Well, there's curfew-"
"We were part of multiple plots to fire a teacher and you're worried about curfew," Sirius said dryly.
"Curfew is a very serious thing!"
"It's really not, you see, I break rules more than I abide them."
"That's one of the worst you ever told," James complained.
"Oh, come on!" Sirius whined, "I work hard to come up with these!"
"It doesn't pay off too well," Remus noted.
At lunch, their conversations were all whispered, with many smirks up at the head table. They made sure to whisper more hurriedly after Umbridge passed them.
"-explosions, definitely," James was saying.
"With fireworks," Sirius made sure to add. "Large blue ones."
"That goes without saying," Peter told them.
"Definitely," Remus agreed.
To their great satisfaction, Umbridge glanced over her shoulder twice before they left for their next class.
They may have been quite caught up in their plans, but that didn't stop them from being rude to Snape in Potions.
"I heard someone gave Umbridge a gift the other day," Snape drawled. "I don't suppose you know who it was from."
"No, do you?" James asked casually.
"Heard they found grease marks on the glasses," Sirius said. He looked at Snape, smiling smugly at Snape's thin, greasy hair.
"Wonder who those would belong to?" James said, glancing at his book. "Half a earthworm, here you do that, Sirius."
With a flourish, Sirius cut the worm neatly in half with his knife and tossed the front half into their cauldron.
"The grease marks are probably from some scoundrel with terrible hair," Snape continued.
"Well," James said, pretending to ponder it for a moment, "there is someone who fits that description."
"Greasy, terrible hair, terrible hygiene, and a scoundrel," Sirius said.
"Yeah, that does remind me of someone."
"Perhaps it's a someone by the name of Snivellus?" Sirius suggested.
"That's exactly was I was thinking," James said in mock surprise, then turned to Snape. "You wouldn't happen to know a poor bloke by description, would you?"
"I'm looking right at him," Snape hissed.
Before Sirius or James could answer, Slughorn came to their corner of the room.
"Ah, Mr. Black," he said cheerfully. "I wonder if you could tell me how your Strengthening Solution turned this electric purple. I do believe that it's supposed to be a navy blue."