Sometimes (I Wish)
If I was a simple man
And I could make you understand
There'd be no reason to think twice
You'd be my sun; you'd be my light...
Bella was getting dressed when I came out; panties and bra already on. When I started to turn away to give her privacy, she beckoned for me to stay, pulling my shirt on for coverage. It didn't do much, honestly, with the buttons undone.
"You read it?" I asked, without needing a reply.
"We should talk." Her tone was firm, yet gentle all at once. I couldn't read her, nor get a feel for her general mood; confusion, most likely. She should be confused by everything I do and don't do.
I leaned against the dresser across from the bed rather than taking the spot she cleared next to her. I remained silent. What was there to say? I love you, dearest heart but one day... I will kill you. That hardly seemed appropriate.
"Okay Iceman," she started out softly. "What's going on inside that beautiful head of yours? I know you don't feel you've been a good person and you've said you have rage issues. And you say you're happier now than you have ever been... but what I read? Dude. You are seriously fucking depressed!"
Shit. Shit, shit, SHIT! Certainly, she was confused; I'd been right somewhat. But the vibe now was concern... for me. I sighed heavily and glowered at the floor. "It's not a depression Bella. It's my reality." I tried to keep my tone even though inside, anger and guilt battled to surface.
"Edward... I don't mean to be condescending, but I know depression when I see it - well, read it, in this case. You've kept this part from me because all I've seen lately is you being very calm and content. Is that the dishonesty you wrote about? Are you not happy?"
She'd selected honesty as the first thing to discuss from my list of things I could not give her. I was right in that being most important to her. How is this best handled? Do I lie now? Make her believe it was never what she thought? Tell her it's over now? Ultimately, I wanted to cause her the least amount of pain. And I didn't want to lie to her. Still avoiding her eyes, I looked up. "The past few months have been an act. I've been acting like the person I want to be... but I'm not that guy. I can never be... that guy. You do make me happy, Bella. Unbelievably happy! But this doesn't have a happily ever after. My heart belongs to you, but I won't be here to see this through."
I took a chance, glancing at her and caught the tears shimmering in her eyes. They weren't falling yet, but they were eminent. "Why?" she asked in a whisper. "Edward, is your illness degenerative? Will you die from it?"
A sound escaped me that sounded like an ironic snort. In reality it was that and more... I couldn't fucking DIE! EVER! But it was killing me that she was thinking I was dying and concerned about my health in all of this. I didn't deny it, nor confirm; instead my emotions took over, a little of that rage I'd kept internalized coming through, though in muted tones. "I have spent...so long... most of my life, wishing I were dead. Hating my very existence SO MUCH that if there were ever a God, and I was worthy of His compassion, He should have taken me. Yet here I stand. That tells me two things: I'm not worthy of any sort of compassion, and I'm stuck here." I watched as the tears that had brimmed her eyes spilled out and trickled down her soft cheeks. "I've condemned myself. And if I let this go on, it'll only be worse..."
"Condemned? Jesus, Edward? What is it you've done?" She wiped at her tears angrily. "No! Don't answer that... it doesn't matter! Whatever it is, you've made amends. Today, you're a good person! Why can't you believe that?"
"Because today, I'm worse than ever. Because today, I covet something I shouldn't... and I've dragged you along..."
"Dragged me? What are you, a fucking caveman? Look, I'm in this equally. I chose to be with you. I choose to love you. Are you listening Edward? Because I'm only saying this once... YOU don't get to choose what's right for both of us. Got it? You're not gonna squirm out of this because of your stupid conscience. That says you think so little of me... that I'm not a rationally thinking person; that I can't decide for myself who to love." The tears were flowing out of anger now as she paced back and forth in front of me. "So what, I'm an airhead who only sees what she wants to see? Is that what you think?"
"No..." I uttered, unable to think of anything that expressed my feelings.
"Good. 'Cause I'm not! And you know what I'm seeing right now? A dickhead coward who's trying to use his lost beliefs as an excuse to throw away his happiness! And don't act like you're being all heroic doing this for me because it's NOT for me. It's for you, and you alone. If you've got issues you need to deal with... finding religion or breaking out of your depression... just DO it for fuck sake and stop torturing yourself! And ME! You can't DO this Edward! You don't have the right to tell me I can't love you the way that I do and you cannot take it from me!"
She was livid now, screaming at me without even bothering to pace. I felt an odd mixture of guilt and extreme pride in Bella, that she could express herself this way. I gave her a moment, as she stood before me, her chest heaving with anger, before I spoke. "Is there more? Are you through screaming at me?" I asked calmly.
Her cheeks reddened. "I think so. Yeah."
"Good, because it's difficult to take you seriously in your underwear."
Her eyes shot up at my attempt to crack a joke. "You are a dickhead, making jokes... really? This is funny to you?"
Groaning, I reached for her. "At least do up some buttons. This is very distracting."
"You have serious fucking issues Edward," she grumbled as her fingers worked quickly to oblige my request.
"I've told you I'm socially inadequate. I don't know how to react when my girlfriend screams at me!"
"Okay, well, Social Behaviour 101... don't ogle my tits while I'm freaking out on you. And don't try to joke around when I'm really fucking pissed!"
"Okay okay! I got it! Can we stop screaming now? I find it really difficult to not cross the line when I'm this riled, alright!"
"Argh! Why is this all about you? Maybe you should scream back, ever think of that? Maybe you have rage issues because you keep it bottled until you explode!"
"Maybe I have rage issues because of what I AM!" I shouted, bending to look her in the eye. "Ever think of THAT? Maybe I have rage issues because I HATE what I am! Do you know what it's like to live like that? Do you know what's it's like to prefer DEATH to living like I do?"
She held my angry gaze steadily. "I actually do, yeah."
And there I stood, the biggest dickhead she had ever encountered. Of course she knew something about that... she had told me she'd wanted to die after Riley had. Who was I to determine my death wish was grander than hers? "Bella... baby, I'm so sorry..." I softened instantly. The rage drained and all but evaporated. "That was a heartless thing to say to you. Please, please say you'll forgive me."
"Of course I do. Until tonight, I had no idea you were hurting so much, for so long. We can do this Iceman." Her anger was gone just as quickly. "We know the same pain. We can help each other. Don't shut me out. I won't let you push me away. I love you too much."
And so in the first hours of the new year, we had our first major argument and our first make-up dry hump. Only it wasn't very dry. We'd both have to break out our spare clothes when the time came to be fully dressed and presentable once more.
"Okay, so time isn't really an issue now... right?"
"Hmm?" I murmured as I kissed behind her ear. "It's not dawn yet, but aren't you the least bit sleepy? How will we explain to Renee that you slept the whole day because you were up ALL night?"
Bella laughed into my chest. "I don't mean actual time, like here and now. I'm talking about your list. Time was one of the things you couldn't give me. So, you won't die on me tomorrow, and I'm not letting you leave me so we've got time. And we're definitely on a roll with the intimacy thing." She kissed my jaw and worked her way over to my ear for a nibble.
God...I couldn't think when she did that...let alone even toy with the notion that one day, I wouldn't have that, or her, at all. Pushing away the reality for just another sweet moment in current time, I focused on Bella's touch and we made love in our own way once more; gratifiying sex even without that final step I didn't know if we could ever make. I could control myself with what we were doing, but I didn't trust myself enough for intercourse.
"Edward?" she mumbled sleepily against my shoulder. "I'm sorry, but I have to do this... that last item on your list is bothering me. I do value honesty. I've told you things about myself I never thought I'd speak of, because I think you deserve to know what you're getting."
"There's nothing you could tell me that would make me love you less, Bella."
"I feel the same Edward! Don't you see that? Why do you keep yourself closed to me?"
I stroked her hair softly and wrapped her in another blanket as she tried to suppress a shiver. "You'll hate my answer for that," I warned her quietly. "It's for you."
I received the eye roll I'd anticipated.
"It truly is Bella. I try my best to be honest with you... I find my way to telling you truths as I can, but there are some things you just can't know about." I caressed her cheek as she looked up at me. "I have no choice in it. If there were a way... Bella, there just isn't. I'm sorry I can't explain more."
"Okay," she whispered and placed a soft kiss on my chest before laying her head on it. Surely she'd notice the absence of a heartbeat like this.
She made no sign of noticing, my angel. My amazing little human.
"Just like that," I whispered back to her. "I have a secret life and you're...okay with that?"
She gave it some thought, without me being privy to any. "I have no choice in it." She turned my words on me with a smirk. "Tell me one lie Iceman; one thing you've been dishonest with me about. And then I'll forget about it."
It was my turn to hesitate, taking a moment to ponder which of the lies to expose. It seemed like a fair deal and she was right; a couple deserved to know what they were getting in each other. She couldn't know my absolute truth, but she could know me better. "I wasn't honest with you about Rosalie. There's a story..."
"Which I already know." Her fingers twirled in my chest hair casually as she interrupted. "Jasper told me. You didn't lie. You just didn't tell me she wanted you first."
"So that doesn't count?" I smirked. "Okay then... that first weekend after we got to know each other, I didn't go to visit my brother with my family. I did go on my own, later on, as I told you... but not that other time."
"Where were you?"
"At home," I stated quietly.
"You couldn't deal with me..."
"I couldn't deal with people. Bella, it's the same reason I miss so much school or why I make excuses sometimes not to see you. There are just times that I can't be around people...so I lie." Pausing to kiss the top of her head softly, I wished once more it didn't have to be this way. "Lying is part of my daily life Bella. It comes so naturally that even I believe the lies myself sometimes. So that's what you get with me. Do you still choose me? Knowing I lie just like you breathe?"
"Here's the deal...you know honesty is important to me, and I know there's a secret part to your life that you can't share. Know what I think? I think you want to share and, I think the lies don't come so easily for you anymore. I think, Iceman, we can break down the wall brick by brick if you'll trust me. I will take your secret to the grave with me, I swear to you."
That's what I fear most, my precious Bella; an early grave, courtesy of me in some way. "I do trust you..."
She planted a soft kiss on my lips. "Here's what we do – you admitted a lie, the weekend – I accept that you felt it was necessary. I don't like it, but I accept it. Now, tell me 2 truths; and they can't be fluff, Edward. I want something that I don't know about you."
I couldn't help but chuckle; her candid request seemed very simple. Could I do it? I did trust her... why not... "2 truths, huh? Well, let's see..."What could I tell her that would open myself up to her, yet not give away my family's secret? She watched on with interest as I gave it some thought. Would she still love me if she knew the real me? Could she? Or does she prefer me with secrets? Maybe that's her attraction to me... I had to think of something real, without being revealing.
"Okay, truth – I was born in Chicago."
"Seriously? You're American? I didn't know that! Did you live here with your parents, or did you move here with the Cullens?"
"With the Cullens...is that my second truth?" I smirked.
"Think again mister. Another one like that please." She cuddled in, now comfortable that I was going to play along with her truth game.
I decided to trust her with something more relevant to our relationship and my secret life. If it was the mystery about my hidden self that she was drawn to, she'd like this one. "I don't eat," I blurted out.
Giggling, she kissed my chest. "I know that, silly. I don't know how you can stay in such excellent shape without eating. I mean, your body is rock hard! I'd swear you have a protein-only diet to build this kind of muscle. So seriously, what do you eat? And when?"
"I just told you... I don't. Ever. My body can't digest food."
Pulling herself up to look at me, Bella stared into my eyes. "You're serious. So I've uncovered another lie... you didn't try a burger, like you told me."
"Oh no, that was true! I did attempt it and let's just say it wasn't just a distaste...it's something I really can't do."
"It made you sick?"
I nodded, still serious and still. Was I divulging too much?
"Then why...?"
And, in case she loved me for the simple man I wanted to be; "I tried it because I wanted to see how normal I could be...for you..."
"You made yourself sick, for me? Edward! Don't ever do that again!" The fury was back in her eyes, backed by serious concern.
"You don't care that I can't ever take you to dinner and share a meal with you; like a normal couple?"
Her anger softened and a playful grin crept up. "I prefer our time together private anyway. And I hate wasting any time with you eating." Her lips pressed against mine before she pulled back, chewing on her lip. This truth wasn't done with – she still had more questions for me.
"I get that you can't eat because of the digestion thing, but how do you keep nourished? IV? Is that why you have to stay home sometimes? You can tell me Edward...it stays between us."
I sighed, knowing this was getting too risky. I'd gone too far. "Let's just say I have a liquid diet. Not intravenously...but strictly liquid."
She smirked after giving me another kiss. "And this conversation comes to an end, right? It's part of your secret life?"
I grabbed her up in my arms as I snickered. "Enough of my secret life...you're my real life. And you should be sleeping." She finally relented and let herself drift off. I laid beside her once she was deeply asleep and for the first time, allowed myself to go into her thoughts as she dreamt.
Her mind took me to her room, only it wasn't the room in Phil's house. It had character. It told me it was Bella's space. But she was tearing down posters she had on the walls... her favourite emo bands being torn to shreds. 'You don't know what pain is!' she was screaming as she tore at them. She moved onto her desk, where she picked up a photo; one she had taken of me in my room and she held it to her chest as she sobbed. 'You can't do this Edward...you can't take yourself from me...'
I watched on, despite the anguish it caused for me. She pulled up her sleeve and examined her tribute to Riley. Her thin fingers caressed the scars. I watched in horror as they mutated into something grotesque and fresh. In place of the letters 'CRS' was 'EC' in a large, ugly welt. The transformation pleased her. She smiled and then her mind took us to the riverbank where we laid watching the sun reflect off the gentle ripples in the water. A look of concern passed over her face as she looked into my eyes and trailed her fingers softly against my cheekbone. 'We need to get back now...you're not feeling well...' Taking me by the hand, she led me to our cottage where Carlisle awaited with a bag of clear fluid hung from a pole. Bella sat at my bedside, stroking my arm as the IV dripped nourishment into me. The fluid turned to red and she smiled as she leaned in to kiss my forehead. 'You'll be better soon Iceman. This is just what you need...I know...'
Locking myself out of her dreams, I eased out of the bed and went into the main room. Her dreams led me to believe I'd revealed too much. She knew. Even if she hadn't pieced it together entirely, subconsciously, she knew what I was and what I would do. This might be better, in the long run. If she knew and was able to keep it to herself, she'd be safe. And surely she would understand why we couldn't have a lifetime together. If I could make her happy until it was no longer possible to be together as human and undead, at least she would have these days to remember when she moved on.
I began the new year knowing 2 things: I was deeply committed to and in love with this human and I could trust her implicitly. My heart told me the first as I watched her stirring from her sleep. Her eyes told me the second as she looked at me, remembering how I'd opened myself to her during the night just enough to make her comfortable. I waited while she showered and dressed and then we strolled up to the main house.
It was snowing lightly and the tiny flakes clung to eyelashes as she smiled up at me. An overwhelming urge to pour my heart out overtook me so I did.
"Bella..." I took her arm and held her in place as I turned to her. "I want you to know... I love you; with all my heart, I love you. I know I can trust you. Thank you for understanding what you don't even know... for trusting in me and making this simple..."
"It is simple, Iceman. I love you too. Simple."
Sometimes I wish I could freeze a moment in time. If it were possible, this would be my day. The day I was honest enough. The day I trusted in someone enough. The day I completely gave my heart to my beautiful, loving human. The day when I realized I had made a grave error in doing so would come soon enough, but today, this was my shining moment in life.
Sometimes I wonder why
I'm so full of these endless rhymes
About the way I feel inside
I wish…
Sometimes…
(City and Colour)
A/N ~ I have to share a note about the song from this chapter, because if anyone doesn't know the wonders of Dallas Green, you're missing out. I have seen City and Colour 3 times and EVERY time there's a 'Holy f**k... DUDE!' moment. He's a pure musician who you just know FEELS his songs. Dallas and a guitar, live... it doesn't get any better. Needless to say, I highly recommend the version of this song from the live album. And if the opportunity to see him in person, especially in a very small venue, ever presents itself, jump on it! He's amazing.
Thanks for reading! XX ~ SR