25-Tara

That night at the beach with Christian is the last thing I remember until the day of the National Round of The Prix de Fonteyn. The two weeks before the big day flew and we had so many things to do I couldn't even remember I had a life besides ballet sometimes. Those weeks seemed empty though, I was really anxious and excited for the competition, but also scared as hell. The days were passing in front of my eyes; all of them seemed the same. There was not a moment I could say was surprising, unpredictably amazing… The schedule was controlled and Miss. Raine was making sure that me and all the others who would compete were using their time "correctly"... This pretty much means, no romance time. However, it seemed like the more I practiced the more nervous I'd get.

I woke up on the dawn after another one of the multiple nightmares I had been having. Not a chance I would try to sleep again, the last thing I could do was sleep. I looked at the watch… 2 a.m. Do you know that moment when the penny drops and you realize the time has come? The day had finally arrived.

I made my way downstairs ready to spend the next hours alone in a dark living room, when I realized there was someone there, laid on the couch, with his thoughtful eyes wide open.

- Ben. Are you ok?

He didn't look surprised to see me there, not at all. He just smiled and sat on the couch, to make some room for me to join him.

- Yes – He laughed – Why? Is there something wrong with you?

- No – I laughed too, walking towards the couch – I was just checking. So… What are you doing here?

- Couldn't sleep.

- Me neither.

- I know.

- Of course you do, I'm here right? – I said still laughing.

- Actually, I knew it before, knowing you I was sure you wouldn't be able to sleep. I knew that at any moment you would come downstairs.

- What if I didn't?

- Then I would just keep laid here until the morning.

- Alone? In the dark?

- Wouldn't you do the same if I wasn't here?

- You're right, I would.

For a few minutes we kept silent, I couldn't see him well, everything was dark, but I could tell he was staring at me. I looked down to avoid his look, and then he broke the silence.

- I don't know why people are always so afraid of the dark and the loneliness. Sometimes, they are everything we need. Before you appeared, I was laid here thinking about my life, my friends, my family… The Prix. Sometimes what we really need is to be on our own, to put our minds on their places.

- Have you put yours?

- Sort of.

- I get what you said, if I was here alone, I'd probably be thinking about everything you did. When I'm alone it is like my mind opens and all my hidden thoughts, plans and wishes, they just come out. So, I think I agree with you… in terms.

- In terms?

- Yeah… 'Cause I also understand why people are so afraid of the dark.

- That would be…

- Because people are afraid of what they don't know. When you are in the dark you can't see things clear, you don't know what is happening around you, you don't know who or what can be hidden in a shadow, waiting for the right moment to come out.

- You can't be really talking about monsters! – He said laughing.

- No! Well, maybe. We all have our intern monsters, the ones we tried to ignore and hide. I'm not talking about werewolves, vampires or the boogeyman; I'm talking about the real ones: the fears, the doubts, the pain.

- Are they seeking for you right now? – He asked serious with his voice low.

- No, I mean, I was just making a point… - I avoided his interrogative eyes.

- Tara… You can tell me.

- Okay – I breathed deep – I've been having these nightmares, about the Prix de Fonteyn. I can't stop thinking about everything that can go wrong. The multiple ways I can screw this.

- Why? You are a great dancer. You have to believe in yourself.

- I'm trying but… - I felt the tears fulfilling my eyes - I have worked so hard for this, and waited for so long to this chance, I'm afraid of wasting it and disappointing everyone.

- You won't. All you have to do is your best.

- But what if it's not enough? – I couldn't control the tears anymore.

- Then there is nothing you can do about it. But for now, trust yourself; trust there it will be enough.

- I don't now if I can trust myself.

- Well… Then trust me, trust me because I trust you! I know how capable you are and I know you will kill it on your performance, okay? – He said holding my face in between his hands.

I nodded and he hugged me.

- You have been distant these days. I miss you and we barely talk. – I told him, trying to change the subject, but still sobbing.

- Yeah, well… I have been doing a lot of stuff. Rehearsing, studying and working out a lot.

- Lots of problems to think about? – I whipped my tears away.

- What? – He asked surprised.

- Once you told me you work out when you have to think about something. So, what have been bugging you?

- It is not like bugging me. It is just… some stuff I had to think better.

- Do you want to tell me?

- I think you already know. I'm sure you noticed.

- You'd be surprised. These last weeks I had no social life; I have no idea of what is going on with anybody, so don't expect me to know about anything.

- What I have been thinking about isn't something that happened in the last two weeks Tara, it was way before.

I looked at his face trying to concentrate and figure out what exactly he was talking about. I realized it had been almost a month since the last time I had a long cool conversation with Ben, after what happened at the surprise night we talked but it was nothing personal like this conversation. And then there was Christian… Wait!

- Is this about me and Christian? – After I said it I realized that maybe we shouldn't talk about it, but the words came out as soon as I thought about them, I couldn't control my mouth.

- Yes, also. – He looked down – But this is more about you and me.

- Okay. – Only word I could manage to say.

- Christian told me some things. Things that changed the way I was thinking a little. Look Tara, you know how I feel about you, right?

- Yes…

- I thought I knew how Christian felt about you too. But, I think I was wrong. He told me he loves you, and he seemed pretty… honest, about it. A guy is not always that honest. But more than anything, he said that if I wanted to see you happy, I should stay out of your way and let you choose who really is better for you.

- Is this another ultimatum? – I asked serious.

- No…

- Good, because I won't choose between you and him, both of you are too special to me.

- Thanks, but what I was really thinking is… Was I pushing you? Ignoring what you were feeling to believe you felt the same way I did?

I couldn't answer him, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but he did push me to choose between him and Christian.

- That's okay, I know I did. I'm sorry… not for what I fell, but for making things hard for you. That is what I had to think about. I realized I was being selfish to force you to fell a certain way, swearing it was about you when it was clearly about me.

- Why are you telling me all this?

- Because I needed to let you know that from now on, I won't push you to anything. Whatever happens I want to be close to you, even if we are just friends. I can't stand to be apart from you anymore. I didn't notice it happening, but you became a big part of my life.

I couldn't control the smile in my face. I hugged Ben tight, hearing his shy laughter.

- Thank you Ben.

- For what?

- For everything, for this, for being my friend… For being you!

We let go of the hug but I couldn't stop smiling. We kept talking until the morning and it was everything I needed, to have Ben close again, without the awkwardness and the embarrassments, the old Ben, my friend… Ben.