A/N Hey all. I'm so sorry I didn't post a new chapter on Saturday. I wish I had a good reason but the truth is I got hopelessly addicted to a TV show called Rookie Blue (I highly recommend it!) and it distracted me. I will try to update again at some point this weekend, but I can't make any promises.
Thanks for being great readers and I will respond to your reviews soon.
Happy hump day :)
Chapter 25
Spencer glared at her mother from across the waiting room. She was trying not to focus too much on Paula, but inevitably, her attention was drawn back to the woman she loathed. She wished more than anything her mom would leave. She was a distraction which wasn't needed or wanted. Unfortunately, Paula didn't appear to be going anywhere.
As angry as that made the blonde, and as worried as she still was about her dad, she did allow herself a moment to revel in how amazing it felt to know that Ashley was in love with her. And she was happy that she got to say those words back. Perhaps she shouldn't have been feeling good at such a dark time, but Spencer couldn't help herself.
Never in a million years could she have imagined that she'd get this chance with Ashley. She kept waiting for the panic to set in because she'd opened up about something she'd always imagined she'd keep locked inside of her. Thankfully that wasn't happening.
Ashley hadn't left her side for one second since that moment. And that didn't feel stifling to Spencer. It felt overwhelmingly comforting. She'd been on her own for so long that Spencer forgot what it was like to need someone like she needed Ashley. It was scary to rely on someone else for support. Even with Sean, as much as Spencer did lean on him, she still held back at times. It made her lonely but it protected her.
Knowing that Ashley loved her – was in love with her – changed things for Spencer. What those changes were exactly she wasn't sure yet. There were more pressing matters to deal with.
Spencer watched as her mother got up from her seat. She was trying, once again, to get an update on Arthur's condition from what the blonde gathered. It didn't look like she was getting any news and that was frustrating for everyone.
"I wonder what is taking so long?" Spencer whispered, her hand firmly intertwined with Ashley's.
Sean glanced up from his phone. "Hopefully no news is good news." He felt helpless and wished there was something he could actually do to help the situation. Sitting around and doing nothing was hard for him.
Ashley cuddled up to Spencer, earning her an awful look from Paula. She wanted to ignore Spencer's mom, but that wasn't proving easy to do. It's not like she was doing anything wrong. She was trying to comfort her girlfriend. What could be wrong about that?
"Ignore her, Ash," Spencer whispered when she noticed the brunette getting worked up. They'd already had one run in with her mom; Spencer didn't want another one. She kissed the brunette's hand and tried to keep her focus just on her dad.
About twenty minutes later a doctor came in to the waiting room looking for a "Mrs. Carlin?"
Paula rose to her feet, looking pissed. She was about to make a snarky remark about her name but decided against it. She didn't want to make another scene in the hospital.
Spencer jumped up while, at the same time, her stomach felt like it sank to the ground. She couldn't read the expression on the doctor's face. She held on tightly to Ashley and gave Sean a thankful look when he squeezed her shoulder.
"How is he?" Paula asked, her voice devoid of emotion.
"Let's go somewhere more private to talk," the doctor suggested, causing an influx of anxiety amongst Spencer, Ashley and Sean.
When Spencer thought her mom was going to say that Ashley and Sean weren't welcome to hear about her dad's condition, she shot her such a dirty look that Paula kept her mouth shut. The seconds that it took to reach a room without anyone inside felt like years. Spencer was hoping with all her heart that they were about to get good news.
When the doctor started talking he was using words that Spencer couldn't process. She heard things like contusion, fracture, blood loss, neurological damage and plenty of others that didn't make sense to the blonde. All she wanted to know was if her Dad was going to be OK. Why was that so hard to communicate?
"…the good news is we've been able to stop the bleeding in the ER and we don't think he'll require surgery."
Spencer let out the breath that she'd been holding the whole time she'd been waiting to hear this. What she didn't count on were the doctor's next words.
"…the bad news is that he's lost consciousness again. We are monitoring his condition closely but until he wakes up, we won't know if there has been brain damage of any kind. His vitals look good but we can't know for sure. The next six to twelve hours are going to be critical. I will be back with another update when I have one."
And then the doctor was gone again. Spencer didn't have a chance to ask any questions or really do much of anything. She was back to feeling tense and full of anxiety.
Paula let out an exaggerated sigh. Her night was ruined and she was now going to be stuck at the hospital for who knew how long. She had to make a few phone calls to make arrangements and sort things out. Before she had a chance to do that, Spencer spoke up.
"Please go," Spencer said calmly. Unlike their last encounter she wasn't enraged or looking to lash out. She was perfectly calm. "It's obvious you don't want to be here and I'd rather not spend the next number of hours thinking about how much I can't stand you when I should be thinking about my father and hoping he's OK."
Paula started to protest even though she did want to leave.
"Look, we both know you don't want to be here," Spencer continued. Even she was surprised by how little anger she was feeling. As much as she still despised her mother, that didn't seem so important right now. Not when Arthur was fighting for his life and she had a support system there to help her. She had people who loved her; she didn't need her mother. "Just tell the nurse that they can give any updates to me. If anything changes or something comes up I will call you."
"That's really what you want?" Paula asked her daughter. She was so used to fighting with Spencer and being yelled at that she didn't know what to make of all of this.
Spencer took Ashley's hand and then looked pointedly over at Sean. She then turned her attention back to her mom. "I have what I need. I'm asking you to do this one thing for me." When Ashley squeezed her hand she knew that was the brunette's way of telling Spencer that she had her support. Spencer hated asking her mom for anything, but this was important enough for her to do it, no matter how difficult it was. "Please."
"Fine," was all Paula said before she walked away from the three of them. She didn't even have the decency to ask Spencer if she needed anything before she left or to say a nice word towards Arthur.
At least it looked like she was going to follow through on Spencer's request. The blonde saw her mom go to the nurses station, say something, point to her and then she was gone. Spencer felt a little lighter once she saw her mom go. She had enough to worry about without her overbearing presence.
"I should go try Glen again," Spencer said to Ashley and Sean. She'd been trying to reach her brother for hours with no success.
She walked outside for some privacy in case she did get a hold of her brother. She wasn't sure what kind of reaction Glen was going to have and Spencer didn't feel like being around a bunch of strangers when that happened. His phone rang and rang until the blonde got his voicemail again. Spencer ended the call feeling frustrated. There was nothing to do but send him another message telling him to contact her.
When she walked back inside the emergency room she saw Ashley and Sean talking intently to one another. She was sure that it had something to do with her and, she reasoned, her dad as well. As Spencer watched her two friends talking, a rush of emotion hit her. She hadn't expected that to happen and she couldn't stop it. Spencer fought against losing control. She had to keep it together because she couldn't afford not to. She knew she was lucky to have Ashley and Sean supporting her but at the same time she suddenly felt alone.
If something did happen to her dad, Spencer couldn't even imagine what that would be like. She might have felt that he was not part of her life, but there was security in knowing he was still at home. There was hope that he could get better even if Spencer would hardly ever acknowledge that point. If Arthur died, she'd be left with nothing.
But Spencer forced those thoughts out of her mind. She couldn't think like that or she wouldn't make it through the next number of hours.
Ashley was the first to spot her. She stopped talking mid-sentence and was over by Spencer's side in an instant. She hugged Spencer as hard as she could. It was the only thing that Ashley could think of that might help.
But there was nothing left to do at this point except wait.
Time ticked by slowly during the night and into the early morning hours of Saturday. Every once in a while someone would come out to tell Spencer that her dad's condition hadn't changed. It was like being on a rollercoaster of emotions. She'd get her hopes up thinking that he was awake only to have her heart drop when she found out that wasn't the case.
Sean was great going on coffee runs and bringing over food for them to eat. Spencer wasn't particularly hungry but she didn't want to worry Ashley or Sean more than they were already so she forced some food down.
As supported as she felt, Spencer couldn't stop herself from thinking about how angry and rude she'd been to her dad right before he fell. The guilt was starting to gnaw at her. She wished she knew how to tell Ashley or Sean about what was going on in her head, but the words to express her feelings weren't there.
As the hours passed that feeling of guilt spread beyond what had happened that night. Her mind was going to war with itself and Spencer felt like she was going to lose the battle to stay positive. She was trying her best just to focus on the here and now, but it wasn't working. It felt like someone was standing on her chest and she couldn't breathe properly.
She opened her mouth more than once to open up, but nothing came out. She did give it a try when Ashley went to the restroom. She figured that she might have an easier time explaining things to Sean before she tried with her girlfriend.
"You sure you don't want anything else to eat?" Sean asked. He felt helpless and offering food or drinks was a way for him to feel useful.
"I'm fine," Spencer replied. She couldn't stop fidgeting. "I, uh, I'm really sorry."
"Sorry?" Sean repeated. "What do you have to be sorry for?"
Spencer didn't get why speaking was difficult for her when she was never usually at a loss for words. "You know, sometimes I'm not that nice to you and, uh…"
Sean waited for Spencer to finish what she was trying to say but she seemed to have stopped talking completely. "The more you insult me, the more I know you care about me."
"No, it's not that," Spencer sighed in frustration. She understood why Sean was trying to joke around, but she wasn't in the mood. She was extremely uncomfortable. "You know what, never mind, it's fine."
"Spence, what's going on with you?" Sean asked, his concern now very real. He sensed something was off with his friend and wished he hadn't brushed off what she was trying to tell him.
Ashley returned before Spencer could explain herself and before Sean could push her. He hoped that even if it wasn't with him, that Spencer would open up eventually.
It was around six o'clock in the morning when a doctor finally came out with an update. Spencer, Ashley and Sean were tired and bleary eyed but all three of them were alert the second the doctor made that announcement.
Spencer was holding Ashley and Sean's hand when she finally got the news she'd been waiting all night for.
"Your dad is awake," the doctor said with a small smile on his face. "We're still doing some tests but so far it looks like he avoided any serious damage."
"Thank you," Spencer breathed out. Her head had started spinning but in a very different way then earlier on in the night.
"He's going to be in the ICU for the next while and he's still not allowed visitors." The doctor explained. "I suggest you go home for a few hours, get some sleep and come back this afternoon." He wrote something down on a piece of paper and handed it to Spencer. "Call this number first just to check that your dad has been moved so you don't come back for nothing."
"Thank you," Spencer repeated, stunned. All the worrying and all the thinking about the worst case scenario was over.
When the doctor left, Spencer stood in the same spot, unable to move. Her dad was going to be OK. She knew she should be happy, but there was something holding her back from feeling relieved. The crushing feeling in her chest was still there and, in fact, it was getting worse.
She was vaguely aware of Ashley and Sean talking but she couldn't hear what they were saying. She thought that maybe she heard Ashley and Sean make plans of some sort, but Spencer was sure that couldn't be the case. She must have imagined it.
Her mind went in to overdrive. She remembered Sean hugging her and promising to come back to the hospital with her later. She could recall Ashley pulling her towards her car, but she couldn't quite make out what the brunette was telling her.
It wasn't until Ashley had pulled into the driveway of her house that Spencer finally snapped out of the daze she'd been in. "What are we doing here?" she asked very confused. "I thought your mom told you that you had to stay away?"
"I told my mom what happened," Ashley explained. She had wanted to take Spencer back to her own house but the thought of seeing the blood that had been left behind was not an option. "And I told her that if she made any kind of fuss about us being here she'd be sorry." Ashley might not be able to stand up for herself like she would have liked, but when it came to protecting the blonde, that was another story all together. "Come on, Spence, you need to get some sleep."
Spencer didn't protest even though didn't think she could sleep right now. She might be exhausted but her brain was going a mile a minute. She decided just to go along with what Ashley was telling her to do. It was easier than having to face what she was running from.
They were quiet as they entered the brunette's house. And they were up the stairs before they ran into Ashley's mom or even worse, the guy she was currently sleeping with. Ashley sat Spencer down on her bed and then went in search of some clothes for her girlfriend. She was still wearing the hospital scrubs and Ashley had to imagine she wanted to get out of them as soon as possible.
When the brunette handed Spencer some clothes and suggested she go take a shower, Spencer didn't protest. She was operating on autopilot as she used every ounce of strength she had left to keep herself together. Spencer had done a good job of it so far and was hoping that would continue. She needed to stay strong and not crack.
The shower felt good, but it did nothing to help Spencer's frenzied thoughts slow down. They were coming at her non-stop. Her throat felt like it was closing while her lungs were not able to get enough air in.
Spencer closed her eyes as the hot water hit her tired body. But that didn't help at all. If anything, it made it worse because the image of her dad lying in his own blood would not go away. She started shivering, which didn't make sense because the shower was hot. Her hands shook as she tried to dry herself off. Spencer was starting to freak out but she was just going to hope that it went away.
As soon as she entered Ashley's bedroom, the brunette was up on her feet. Ashley gave Spencer the once over, but all seemed OK from her perspective. She accounted for the weary look on her girlfriend's face by blaming it on the night's event. Telling Spencer she just had to get her phone that she'd forgotten downstairs, Ashley left the room not realizing what was happening behind the blue eyes that she loved.
Almost immediately, Spencer sat down on Ashley's bed. Her legs had gotten wobbly and she was mildly concerned that she might faint or pass out. But the blonde refused to admit to herself what was going on. She blamed her lack of sleep for the her legs being shaky. She slid up the brunette's bed in an effort to get more comfortable.
But nothing was working.
Her heart felt like it was in a vice and her breathing got even more labored. Spencer tried to put her head between her knees to calm herself down but that didn't work either. She had to keep fighting with herself in order to stay in control.
Spencer had no idea what being out of control would do to her. She couldn't remember anymore what it was like to be vulnerable. She despised how it made her feel weak.
When Ashley got back to her room, she walked around first to make sure all the blinds were closed before she joined Spencer in bed. She was more tired than she could remember, but she had to make sure that everything was taken care of before she relaxed. It was when she turned to face Spencer that she finally noticed that all was not OK. "Spence?" The other girl had her head down. "Spence? Look at me."
Spencer ignored Ashley's request at first. She didn't want to show Ashley what was going on with her. She didn't want to be here right now. She didn't want to be dealing with her feelings. It was much easier to not face her problems.
But there was something different now then had been over the last number of years. And that something was Ashley. Instead of running away, Spencer wanted to reach out to the brunette. That didn't make it less scary, not when Spencer was still terrified of feeling exposed.
With an incredible amount of trepidation, Spencer lifted her head to face her girlfriend. "I'm so sorry," she breathed out, her cheeks damp from the tears that had started to fall.
"Sorry?" Ashley was confused and terrified. She couldn't figure out why the blonde was apologizing or what had happened when she left the room. "What's wrong?"
For the longest time, Spencer had cut herself off from feeling much of anything. Now she couldn't stop the tidal wave of emotion that was washing over her. The only thing she could do was let everything out.
Spencer shook her head, almost willing the tears to go away but they wouldn't stop falling. "I'm so sorry," she said again. "I've been awful to you."
"What are you talking about?" Ashley asked with a sense of urgency. She needed to make sense of what was going on in the blonde's head. "Spence?" Ashley cupped the blonde's check in her hand as she knelt in front of her girlfriend. "You haven't done anything wrong."
"Yes, I have," Spencer protested.
"I think you're tired and need to get some rest," Ashley said gently. She wondered if the other girl was in shock.
"Just, no, please, Ash," Spencer needed to get this out. Even in the turmoil she was in, she recognized that for her relationship with Ashley to keep going strong this had to happen. Her crying continued as she started to speak again, "When we first started working together on the Home Ec project, I was such a jerk to you."
Ashley frowned, she couldn't understand why Spencer was bringing this up now. "You weren't-"
"I was!" Spencer exclaimed forcefully. "I was so angry and so hurt that I needed you to feel the same way. I did everything in my power to make you miserable. But nothing took that pain away and that made me angry and more hurtful towards you. I hate that I said all those horrible things to you. I don't understand how you can even stand to be around me now.
"All I do is push people away. All I do is lash out to hurt the people I love before they can hurt me. I fucking hate it, Ash. I hate myself for doing that and a part of me thinks that you must hate me too. I wouldn't blame you, you know."
"Spence, please," Ashley needed to find a way to get through to Spencer, but the blonde wouldn't let up.
"There must be something wrong with me," Spencer continued, her deep fears coming to the surface. "My mom can't stand the sight of me, my dad can't stop drinking long enough to take care of me, Glen doesn't seem to care and Clay isn't around anymore."
It was getting harder for Ashley to understand what Spencer was saying as her crying intensified. She tried valiantly to reach the blonde to no avail.
"I'm so sorry, Ash. I know that doesn't make up for the way I treated you," Spencer croaked out. Her shoulders shook as sobs racked through her body. "I don't know how you can love me. I don't know how anyone can love me. Please…I'm…"
When Spencer couldn't go on anymore, Ashley wrapped her arms tightly around Spencer. The blonde was almost wailing at this point as she lost it completely.
Eventually Spencer's breathing slowed to a more normal pace and that when Ashley decided it was her turn to speak. She let go of the blonde, but didn't move back. She cradled her girlfriend's face in her hands and planted a kiss on Spencer's forehead.
"You can't do this to yourself," Ashley said, her voice quiet and gentle. "You can't blame yourself for what other people do because-"
"I was horrible to you! That was me, not anybody else."
"You know what I mean." Ashley was not going to let Spencer distract her from making the point she was trying to make. "Your mom and dad aren't around because of their own issues, not because of you, Spence. When I cut you out of my life, it wasn't because there was something wrong with you; it was because there was something wrong with me."
Spencer tried to speak, but Ashley wouldn't let her interrupt.
"I was the one who couldn't handle what liking you meant." Ashley would have loved to keep the past in the past but clearly their issues weren't gone just because they had admitted their feelings to each other. "That was on me. And, yeah, you weren't exactly pleasant when we started talking again." Spencer made some kind of snorting noise that the brunette ignored. "But that doesn't change how much I love you. Nothing will change that. You were angry-"
"I'm always angry," Spencer cut in. "It's easier that way."
"Why is that easier?"
Seconds ticked by as Spencer contemplated how to respond. Eventually she decided to go with the truth. "Because if I'm angry I don't have to admit how much I'm hurting inside."
Ashley didn't have the words to respond to that. Her heart ached for Spencer and what she must be feeling. She pulled the blonde towards her again.
Spencer gladly accepted the comfort that Ashley was offering her. She didn't have an ounce of energy left, so she closed her eyes as her head rested on her girlfriend's shoulder.
Sensing that the time for talking was over, Ashley lowered herself and Spencer on the bed and then pulled the covers over both of them. They both needed some shut eye and a chance to recover from what had been a very traumatic evening.
Soon enough Spencer fell asleep despite feeling wired not long before. Ashley waited until she was sure that the blonde wasn't going to awake up before she allowed herself to succumb to the overwhelming tiredness she couldn't fight anymore.
A few hours later, Spencer stirred. When she noticed that Ashley was still clinging to her, she closed her eyes and went back to sleep. She might not have much, but she had Ashley. And while it that wasn't going to solve what was wrong, it was enough to let Spencer find a sense of peace that had eluded her for the longest time.