Thank you to everyone that read, reviewed, or gave kudos. Your feedback keeps me getting these chapters out in a timely fashion. It also helps that I'm not trying to write nine stories at the same time. Thanks to the IMAX thing, I need to get this done by May 14.
I've had the chapter title for this in mind for years. Then again, I have been writing this story for nearly 3 years.
From the title you can tell that the film Death at a Funeral did influence some of the next few chapters but I think the Kirk family is a lot more dysfunctional, so expect even more craziness.
After rereading several of my stories before reposting on AO3 I realize that on more than one occasion I have switched the name of an original character halfway through a story. I probably should start writing these things down. I don't think I have given Landon's girlfriend an actual name yet but if I have, it is Madison now.
Chapter 25: Death at a Starfleet Funeral part one
Today was the day that he buried his mother and he would rather deal with Klingons or the Admiralty. This day would completely suck under any circumstances. However, he had to deal with his probably drunk already brother who's sleeping around on his new wife, said sister-in-law being watched like a hawk by the three doctors in attendance to make sure she does not go into premature labor, a grandmother who wanted to pretend his marriage to a male multi-species person is just a phase, and multiple stepfathers, some of which he would like to throw out an airlock. Oh yeah, and most of the admiralty were still coming to this thing because his mom was a highly decorated Starfleet officer. The scary thing is the unknown half-sister doesn't even register as something he should be concerned with because his family is just that crazy. This was going to be a fucking disaster.
Actually, it already was. The funeral home was already late and has yet to arrive with the chairs or his mother's body. Also, one of his nephews may have broken his mother's favorite lamp when they were trying to move the furniture out of the living room. Seriously, what was his mom thinking when she wanted a home funeral?
This disaster was why he already ate the brownie in the purple plastic baggie that Akia gave him this morning. Apparently his sister-in-law thought he was going to need drugs to get through this day. It hasn't kicked in yet.
However, he is James T. Kirk and he thrives on surviving no-win scenarios. If he can deal with Nero and other sociopaths that like to terrorize the galaxy, he can get through this without more 'brownies'. He has a good team with him and they will get through this funeral. To do that he is going to treat this funeral as any other mission where it seems like everything will blow up in his face at any moment, which seems highly likely with his family.
He now sat at the breakfast table with his husband, Nyota, Bones, Marcus, Marissa, Landon's girlfriend whose name may or may not be Madison, and Admiral Pike to plan the best way to keep this funeral from becoming a bloodbath or a repeat of yesterday's aborted family lunch. Spock suggested that they have a planning meeting to avoid the mistakes of yesterday and or the broken furniture of this morning. It may be a good way to decide who was going to take care of what.
Akia wasn't there because she was currently screaming at the funeral director for not getting to the house on time. Things must not be going good considering that she was now behind closed doors but he could still hear her screaming at the guy. As punishment for almost attacking his father at Jake's Place, Landon was in charge of getting all the kids dressed. T'Mandy was currently lecturing him on Vulcan funeral attire. His sister-in-law was evil when she wanted to be. Actually, both were.
Pike was there because he offered to help anyway he could and he needed somebody with high enough rank to keep stepfather number two in line. Okay, he needed someone to help with all the Admiralty. He just knew Admiral Chicken would say something stupid.
Their goals were simple; make sure everyone survived this funeral without bloodshed, hospitalization, or anybody getting arrested. Considering Aurelan has dilated another half a centimeter overnight, the hospitalization thing seemed likely no matter what. However, he was going to do his best to make sure that nobody got arrested.
Because he was Aurelan's Doctor, Marcus was in charge of keeping Sam away from his wife at all cost. They were all sure five minutes with Sam would send her into premature labor. Even though Sam is a dick, he has excellent taste in women that Jim can actually like. Therefore, he wanted to help keep Aurelan and the baby safe.
Marcus's other job was to keep Akia from punching out her ex-husband. Considering how pissed off she was after she found out about Sam doing the exact same thing he did to her to his new wife, that he claimed he actually loves, bloodshed was highly probable. His mom's old room was next to Akia's and he heard lots of cursing and breaking of glass last night.
Jim was in charge of getting his brother to see some sort of sense or at least keeping him from causing more damage. He doesn't think that was going to happen but he has the best chance of not reacting violently. He did make it out of the hotel room yesterday without smacking Sam upside the head. Spock has already rendered him unconscious and Nyota has an evil right hook. Combined with pregnancy hormones, it just was a recipe for disaster. One comment about her being Jim's mistress and Sam will be out on the floor. Actually, that was also the reason why Bones was in charge of wrangling all the other dysfunctional relatives. In his case, he would probably use a hypo to render Sam unconscious but the effect would be the same. It was bad when Jim was the mature one.
Pike was also in charge of keeping the bloodshed down to a minimum. His job was to keep husband number three and four from attacking number five or two. Because ex-husband number three only slept with one other person and unlike his mother he was tested regularly for STIs, he was pretty sure he wasn't the one who gave her OPV. Apparently, in an effort to make sure that Amanda had a very happy childhood in space, Winona was back on friendly terms with her ex-husband and he was beyond inconsolable at her death. (Pike mentioned something about crying.) Ex-husband number three wanted blood and unlike Admiral Chicken the guy has actually seen armed combat. According to Starfleet legend he was an excellent shot and killed a guy barehanded. Damien was equally pissed off and because ex-husband number three actually apologize for being a prick they join forces. This was going to be bad.
Actually, Pike was in charge of keeping everybody from attacking Frank and Charles. Even Spock wants to kick Frank's ass. When you piss off a Vulcan, you know you are screwed. Jim's neck hurt for months after the bridge incident.
To keep her blood pressure in a happy place, Nyota has babysitting duty and wouldn't actually be at the funeral. Marissa thought it would be best for some of the children not to be there for the actual funeral. They would get to say goodbye to their grandmother privately before everyone arrived. When taking care of Kirk children was the less stressful option, the situation had to be bad. However, quality Bones time seems to have done wonders for calming her down. She's been smiling all morning and humming. Jim doesn't remember seeing her this happy before.
Now the important thing was keeping Landon in check. Yesterday, he underestimated his nephew's anger. He should've known better because his nephew has been edgy for days. He wouldn't do that today.
"Because your boyfriend may actually listen to you, you're in charge of keeping Landon from doing anything stupid like punching out his father." Jim said turning to the girl.
"I'm already on it. I put Xanax GX in his hot chocolate. If that doesn't work, I can always threaten to withhold sex if he does something that stupid again." She said with a wicked smile. This girl may do well in this family.
"I don't want to know about my nephew sex life. Just be safe because we don't need any more surprise children in this family." The smile fell off her face at that moment and he was really hoping that doesn't mean what he thinks it means.
"That doesn't always work." Spock said from behind him. Jim blamed that comment on the fact that Spock had the brownie in the blue bag. He may have also had a chocolate cranberry scone. His family was so crazy that it was driving his husband to get stoned Vulcan style.
"One more comment like that and you're picking up Grandma Kirk." Jim said turning to his husband.
"I will pick up grandma Kirk. I don't want to get Spock out of jail for incapacitating a 90-year-old geriatric." Pike volunteered. The man was braver than probably anyone else in the room.
"If you want to keep her from beating you with her purse you'll remember that she is only in her early 80s. Actually, in her mind she is in her 70's. Never mind, she will probably beat somebody with her purse anyway. Maybe you can get the purse from her." Jim rambled. When will that brownie start working. It worked a lot better last time.
"Why is everybody so afraid of Landon's great grandmother?" Madison (?) asked as everyone else shivered a little. Everyone but her has had the misfortune of having to deal with grandma Kirk.
"Because she's a homophobic/Xenophobic bitch." Marissa answered before Jim could. "I remember this one time at the grocery store where she called my dads that F word just because they were holding hands. I was only five at the time. She was so hateful. This mean she's now my grandmother?" Marissa asked looking at Jim.
"I'm sorry." He was really sorry that she was going to be a part of this now. "Let's put it this way, you're the new normal one in the family. I was told that before our grandfather's death, she was just a teeny bit xenophobic. Then she found out that he was sleeping through the male population of the greater galaxy and she decided to take it out on those she felt responsible for the demise of her marriage." Jim explained skeptically.
"I'm not sure how stable their marriage could have been considering they only got married because he got her pregnant after hooking up at a party." Pike explained and Jim really wondered exactly how the Admiral knew about that deep dark part of Kirk family history. He wished he knew about that family secret before his wedding where his grandmother chastised him for conceiving a kid before he got married. Of course, in her mind he was sleeping with Nyota.
"So accidental pregnancy is really common in this family?" Landon's girlfriend asked nervously. Oh God, he really doesn't want a great niece or nephew the same age as his own children. It's bad enough that he has a brother-in-law younger than his daughter.
"Is there something that you and Landon need to tell Akia?" Marcus asked quietly.
"I think I'm going to go help Landon dress his baby brother." The girl said getting out of there as fast as humanly possible and Marissa followed behind. Jim's response was to put his head on the table. This was going to be the most dysfunctional funeral ever.
After that Marcus left to check on his patient or possibly to prepare his sort of girlfriend for the news that she was most likely a grandmother due to the Kirk ability to fail miserably at the use of contraceptives. Bones and Nyota also made some excuse to get the hell out of the kitchen.
"They're probably going to make out now." Now what was surprising is it was Spock that actually made this snide comment, with a contraction, as he placed his hand on Jim's ass. Did he mention that Pike was still in the room. The chocolate must be going to his husband's head, probably the one below his belt.
"How much chocolate did you have? One of us has to stay sober and it's supposed to be you." He said as he reluctantly pulled his husband's hand away.
"Two brownies and a scone, my father contacted me this morning." Spock explained. "T'Pay will be stopping by." Considering the emotions Jim was feeling through their bond, Jim was sure there's more to it than that, but he doesn't have the emotional energy to push.
"That explains so much." Jim said giving Spock his you will so be telling me everything later look.
"I do not understand why you expect one of us to be sober when we both ingested cannabis the night we discovered that Marissa is your biological sister on your father's side." Spock said just as Pike started to shake his head.
"I really don't want to know about your recreational drug use. I know you forget that I'm a member of the admiralty sometimes but you really shouldn't say things like this in front of your boss." Pike said with a sigh.
"Of course, I forget your part of the admiralty because you're not a prick. Hey, it's not recreational when it's medically prescribed. I'm allergic to almost the entire benzodiazepine family of drugs. Also, if you have met his father you would understand the need for chocolate." Jim said in defense of his husband and himself.
"I have met his father. That's why was only concerned about you, Jim. The worst he does is make jokes about crewmembers hooking up when he slightly inebriated." That's when Jim's face fell.
"That wasn't a joke, was it? You know there are rules about that sort of thing. Although, that does explain why Doctor McCoy asked to be reassigned to earth. Of course Admiral Chickens said no." Okay, Jim was not happy about that. Bones would be furious. Not only was he in love with her but keeping her healthy was his number one priority.
"He requested that before they became friends with make out privileges yesterday. What do you mean he said no? He's her Doctor and this is a high-risk pregnancy." Jim asked.
"He's not happy that we used the existence of his grandchild to keep you from a lifelong star mapping mission. I have no idea they were together otherwise I would've fought harder. I thought you guys…" Pike started but stopped. "There is no polite way for me to ask if you're engaging in a sexual relationship together with your communications officer. You two are the reason why I have gray hair." Pike said with another sigh.
"Why does everyone think were sleeping together?" Jim asked.
"Because you and your husband got her pregnant." Pike shot back.
"It wasn't like it was 100% consensual. You read the report. The whole thing was some big cultural misunderstanding that resulted in her getting pregnant. We don't even remember what happened." Of course, if Pike read the entire report he would know that they were given a very mild aphrodisiac and the fertility drugs. As much as they would have liked they were not given anything that would have forced the three to do whatever they actually did.
"You did kiss her first after she mentioned missing regular sex." Spock said shocking the hell out of Him. Spock swore up and down that he didn't remember what happened the night that the babies were conceived but his Vulcan husband did have a tendency to lie by omission a lot. It was a very Spock thing to do.
"Wait, you remember what happened?" Fortunately, for Spock and the poor Admiral that was being forced to hear the entire conversation Madison came back into the room. "Your stepmom just showed up and she brought her girlfriend. Your sister is not happy and I think she just threw a Barbie at her. Although, in her defense, she just, in the most matter-of-fact way possible, told her that she was the product of an arranged marriage that they have mutually decided to dissolve. You may want to get in there." Okay Jim was shocked but not really. Vulcans were like that. Also, if one of his stepdads showed up with their special friend he would be throwing a fit as well.
"Just when I start to think my family is the most screwed up ever your family does something to make me reconsider." Jim said just as his communicator chirped. It was a message from the hotel telling him to pick up his brother. Also apparently he owes the hotel 10,000 credits in damages.
"Then Sam does something that makes me reevaluate that again. You're coming with me because I need someone to drive and I know you haven't been eating the purple brownies." He said grabbing Madison's hand.
It was going to be a very long funeral.
Landon was sure his mom knew something was up. There had to be a reason why she was putting him on babysitting duty so much since he left Iowa State a few days ago to help with the madness of his grandmother's funeral. His mom was one of the top gynecologists on the planet, if not in the entire Federation. She probably recognized the symptoms of pregnancy better than anyone else. This was probably her version of scared straight, albeit a little too late. Really, it was an accident.
Having to deal with his cousin Amanda who keeps drawing with his mom's lipstick in the hallways is not doing anything for his confidence in his abilities at being an adequate parental figure. This was made worse by the fact that his little brother was using his mom's makeup to make handprints all over the pristine white walls of the living room that is supposed to be filled with mourners in the next 90 minutes (if the funeral home people will ever get there). He was too busy dressing the little one to notice that his brother and cousin had broken into the makeup again and already moved downstairs. He was going to suck at this parenting thing.
The whole thing with accidentally giving T'Mandy a chocolate Brownie terrified him for life. He should have listened to his uncle instead of trying to be the cool cousin. He should know better. If he was going to be a dad in six months, he was going to have to do better.
This wasn't planned but he still kind of wanted it. He's been helping his mom raise his brothers for a long time so he is not completely clueless. He knew children were not easy. This didn't happen because he did something stupid like lying about being on the contraceptive shot or improperly storing condoms. His mother taught him to be more cautious than that.
This accident was caused by a series of unfortunate events and other people's stupidity. In one of his labs, he accidentally handled a plan that rendered his contraceptive shot inactive. Not that he knew that could happen because it was a new plant that was just recently brought back from somewhere in the galaxy. The good news is his research paper about the whole thing will be published next month.
At the same time, Madison got completely screwed over by her chemistry major roommate, who secretly switched out her birth control pills with something experimental that wasn't even legal yet. Instead of working as a contraceptive, it functioned as a fertility drug. They press charges (after Madison knocked her out) but what good would it do. In six months, he was going to be a father and it scared the hell out of him.
Can you blame him with Sam as a father? His mom loved him but his dad never wanted him. Sam blamed him for all the things that he never got to do. It was Landon's fault that he married a woman that he didn't love. It was Landon's fault that he couldn't take off planet assignments. It was Landon's fault that his career was going nowhere. That sort of thing really screws with a child's mind, even if he knew none of it was true. His father even blamed Landon for his uncle's unpleasant experience on Tarsus.
Thankfully, he had Uncle Jim around to set him straight. Now his uncle Jim loves him unconditionally and was always available even when he was several light-years away. They practically grew up together. He was like a cross between a big brother and a surrogate father. He was a little jealous of his cousin Amanda because she got two good fathers (in addition to her super cool mom) and he got stuck with a crappy one. (Unfortunately, unlike his father, Uncle Jim actually paid attention and probably had an idea of what was going on. Also unlike Sam, Landon actually cared about his Uncle Jim's opinion.)
Sam was never available even when he lived in the same house. He wasn't the type of father that played catch or help with homework. It was always his mom and grandmother that did those sort of things with him and his brothers. The last few years before the divorce, Sam took a lot of off planet or out of town assignments whenever possible. Even when he was home, he would disappear for days at a time. He can't remember how many times he caught his dad drunk. The moment that completely shattered his perception of Sam was catching him screwing around on his mom with his assistant.
The only reason why he doesn't hate his new stepmom for it was that she slapped Sam when she found out that he wasn't in the middle of a divorce. Too bad she went back to the idiot after he went back to her crying and begging for forgiveness. Now, his own child was going to be only a few months younger than his new uncle. This family was so screwed up.
Because he despised Sam so much, Landon tried to be the opposite of his father. He worked hard in school and got straight A's. He didn't drink or party at all. Their field of study were a little similar but Landon chose to focus on plants. It probably had something to do with helping his grandmother with her gardens and the farm as a child. He's been dating the same girl for the last year and a half and they didn't even have sex for the first year of that relationship. Madison was his first and only. He took his mom's advice of 'don't have sex with anyone you don't want to raise a child with'.
Also, unlike his father he wasn't going to blame an innocent child for what happened. This was just a series of unfortunate events that led to a good outcome at the wrong time. He and Madison both have another year of undergrad, but at least he had his trust fund and Madison's dad ran a day care center. He was going to kill Landon, if his mom does not do it first regardless of the circumstances.
It was almost on the tip of his tongue to tell his father that he was going to be a granddad yesterday. Landon was planning to say something along the lines of 'unlike you, I'm actually going to be there for my child and I love my child, despite the fact that I wasn't planning to have him or her'. However, considering the fact that just a few hours earlier Landon found out he had an aunt, he didn't want to spring anymore surprises on anyone, until after grandma was buried.
His Grandmother Winona was the only one he told. She got to see the first visual scan of the baby just days before she died. She said she was happy that she lived long enough to sort of be a great-grandmother. She said that he would be a good father. He kind of wished she was still around to help him break the news to everyone. His mom was going to kill him; actually this was probably part of her punishment right now. Small children were scary, especially when they were drawling on the walls with lipstick.
After taking a deep breath he managed to successfully get the little kids away from the makeup and they were now playing something safer in baby JK's room. Currently, he was in the living room trying to get the lipstick off the walls. Despite the fact that T'Mandy was helping him, it wasn't going well. He's pretty sure that the five-year-old has a crush on him. But then again, he's pretty sure that the five-year-old has a crush on his younger brother and uncle. Maybe she just likes humans in general or maybe her family were just naturally attracted to Kirks. At that moment, his girlfriend walked into the room with his new aunt behind her. Considering everything else going on, he has not had time to develop an opinion on the fact that he comes from a long line of cheating bastards.
"I just want to let you know that I think I accidentally just told your future stepfather and uncle that I'm pregnant." She said in a whisper. Unfortunately, the little baby Vulcan obviously heard because her eyebrows were now sky high. After several years of being around his uncle Spock, he can detect Vulcan irritation very easily. Yes the girl had a crush on him and now she was mad.
"How did that happen? You didn't throw up?" He asked before looking at his new aunt who was now standing beside him. He was sure she already knew too because she didn't seem shocked at all.
"I may have twitched a little when your uncle said that he doesn't want to know anything about your sex life and told us to be careful. I also may have asked if unplanned pregnancies were really common in your family? Marcus asked if we needed to talk to your mom about something important." He just put his head in his hands as his new aunt put an arm around him.
"Considering the fact that my mostly gay uncle got someone pregnant with out in vitro and I'm being hugged by aunt I never knew I had until yesterday, I would say yes." He joked when he really wanted to cry. "You already knew?" He asked Marissa.
"Winona told me. She asked me to help you break the news to everyone and thought you could use a supportive family member." He didn't know whether to curse his grandmother or cry. She always tried to take care of everyone else even after death. He went with crying because there was a five-year-old around and he really is trying to work on the being a good parent thing. Again his one goal in life is to not be Sam.
"How angry was everybody?" He asked as he was cut off by a knock at the door. He wasn't surprise considering that most of the population of Riverside has been by in the last week. His grandmother was very popular and well-loved in this town. Maybe, it was the funeral home people with his grandmother.
"Whoever that is I hope they brought more chocolate or maybe alcohol." He said opening the door. Okay, he wasn't expecting to see his freshman year philosophy teacher holding hands with some unknown Vulcan.
She introduced herself as Spock's stepmother and the woman as her girlfriend. He remembered from Vulcan culture class that most Vulcans believe in being completely honest but this was a little too much for his taste. She was there because her husband told her that she needed to spend time with her daughter. Of course Spock's father probably should've told her not to bring her girlfriend. Landon has to give her points for actually coming despite her poor choice of guest. Sam would never have spent time with him even if he could bring his girlfriend.
T'Mandy was not happy to see her. Landon cannot blame her for that when the woman started to explain that her daughter was essentially the product of an arranged marriage for the purposes of producing children and dealing with other biological things that Vulcan do not speak of. Because his mom was an OB/GYN with a Vulcan specialization, he kind of already knew what they were talking about because he's sort of hacked into his mom's medical files one time and was grounded for six months.
Again, Landon will have to give her points because T'Pay actually said, "despite the conditions of your conception, you and your brother are the most important beings in my life, and I love you dearly. Even though your father and I have decided to terminate our marriage we will always love you." His mom said something like that to him after the divorce but he knew she was not being sincere (because only his mom actually loved him).
"I do not believe you." He's pretty sure he saw the five-year-old sniffle as if she was about to cry but his mind was probably playing tricks on him.
Things got really bad after that involving the baby Vulcan throwing her niece's Barbie at the woman and switching into rapid-fire Vulcan. He could only recognize the curse words. Considering it was a five-year-old using those words, he decided it was best for Madison to get Spock. When has uncle showed up he understood why the guy stole his hot chocolate. Uncle Spock's family may just be more fucked up than his. It's a tossup.
"You know?" Madison asked as soon as she pulled onto the main road. She hasn't said anything to him since he told her where they were going as soon as they got in the car. He was just happy that the hotel agreed not to have Sam arrested for disorderly conduct after he agreed to pay extra for the cleanup efforts. He would like to keep his promise to himself about never visiting the Riverside police station ever again.
"I know now. Good thing you're not in Starfleet you would never survive an interrogation. You twitch too much." He joked.
"Fuck! Please don't tell Akia that I'm pregnant. She's going to probably yell or kill Landon for being irresponsible. He doesn't need this right now. Between losing his grandmother and his father being a complete Dick he can't deal with his mom hating him for something that wasn't his fault." Madison pleaded. Jim thought her points were valid.
"No, I'm not going to tell Akia, mostly because I don't think she can take one more thing right now. Although, you're going to have to face me. Thanks to the effectiveness of modern birth control, most accidental pregnancies are triggered by stupidity or in my case aliens and a cultural misunderstanding. That could probably fall in the category of stupidity too." He joked again. Since the drug brownies are not working, humor was his only defense mechanism.
He was so talking to Spock later about what happened the night the twins were conceived. If Spock lied about remembering what happened, it had to be epically bad (or pornographically good.)
"From what I understand from Landon, we got pregnant about the same way you and your husband accidentally got your friend pregnant. Yes, I know what happened because my boyfriend actually trusts me with everything. In our case, it was accidental exposure to unknown alien plants and being fed fertility drugs without my consent because my roommate is crazy." Good thing he wasn't driving because he probably would have missed a stop sign due to the shock. That's when Madison started to explain exactly what happened. He had new respect for the mother of his future niece or nephew when she told Jim about smacking the roommate upside the head when she found out what happened.
"I told you most accidental pregnancies are caused by stupidity, I didn't say it had to be stupidity on your part. Hopefully, Akia will go into Doctor Mode and be more furious at the roommate for feeding you untested drugs than the fact she's going to be a grandmother before 45. You will make it out of this unscathed. Also because her own shotgun wedding turned out to be so disastrous, Akia would never force that on you." Jim explained. Jim knew his sister-in-law well and her way of coping with the situation like this was to look at it from a purely medical standpoint. For example last night when she found out her ex-husband was cheating on his new wife she started compiling a list of treatment centers they handled alcoholism and sex addiction. She also started researching support groups for new mothers going through messy divorces.
"Good to know; although, I think my father may force the issue. He's a little old fashion. The good thing is at least I got pregnant by somebody that I actually love and can tolerate co-parenting with." She said with a smile.
"That's always a good thing. Trust me I know I lucked out with Nyota. I could've knocked up some conceded scientist who would've hid my child from me." He said remembering another interesting tidbit that other Spock accidentally told him when he was deciding if he and his Spock should have children despite his father-in-law's demands. Nyota was a much better person to accidentally knock up than the alternative. Madison responded by just giving him a really confuse look.
"Things will be okay with Akia. She can't be that angry because that will be hypocritical. However, I think you should give her one of the purple brownies before you tell her." As a parent, Jim believed that drugs were the best way to break this type of news. If this situation ever happened to Amanda he was going to need something to take the edge off.
"I don't think regular chocolate will cut it. It's going to have to be the blue brownies." Madison joked, which confuse Jim.
"I thought the purple ones had the pot?" He distinctly remembered being told to eat the purple brownie but Akia was a little preoccupied at the time.
"No, the blue ones have pot. Although, I've been warned not to have any brownies or cheese crackers at the Kirk family compound just in case there is a mixup. I remember Akia telling me about her wrapping system after Landon's panicked phone call because your sister-in-law started holding hands with everyone and participated in a sing-along. He was worried she ate the wrong brownies. He looked everywhere for the wrapper just in case." She started laughing. Although, that antidote gave him hope that his nephew will do better at the parenting thing than his father ever did.
"That's just great. Spock ate my pot brownie. That explains why he's so mellow despite having an unpleasant phone call with daddy dearest this morning. I'm sure the call was about his pending divorce." At least Jim hoped it was. That had to be an unpleasant conversation. Jim was sure his father-in-law was not happy at becoming the Vulcan equivalent to Liz Taylor. Divorce was taboo in Vulcan culture and he was about to get divorced a second time. At least, the drugs explained why Spock was so mellow this morning.
"Shit! The first thing I learned in pre-med is to never mix your drugs. This is not good." Madison said panicking just as they pulled into the Holiday Inn parking lot.
"It's just chocolate and marijuana. Marijuana is like Tylenol on Vulcan." He said not worried.
"He also may have drunk a hot chocolate laced with something from the benzo family. I'm not sure what type of reaction of Vulcan would have. At least, I hope it was just something from the benzo family, I told you about my former roommate who did evil things to my medicine cabinet." Of course, Jim did not hear that last part because he saw his already fucked up brother running around the hotel parking lot naked as he was apprehended by a security bot.
"Just please tell me Landon is nothing like that guy and that stupidity is not genetic." She said almost on the verge of tears.
"Welcome to the family. Don't worry Sam wasn't around long enough to influence his children. I think between Winona and Akia most of the Kirk stupidity gene has been negated." Jim said as he grabbed his phone to call his favorite lawyer.
"That's good." Madison said with her head still in her hands.
It was at that moment Jim actually wished for an insane Romulan or another terrorist. It was really going to be a very long day.