Chapter Twenty Five

Six months ago; Thanksgiving 2015

She'd told her to leave.

They'd spent the evening together, laughing and drinking, and one thing had lead to another and instead of stopping it before it started, she'd waited until it was all over and she'd told her to leave.

Like a coward.

Yes, they'd both been a little drunk. Maybe more than a little, really. Emma had even pointed out as much before they'd even made it back to the house.

"I don't think I've ever seen you drunk before," Emma had laughed.

"I'm not drunk!"

Regina had insisted, she remembered that clearly, but she also clearly remembered staggering just a little in her high heels on the pavement of Mifflin Street as they'd walked. Emma must have noticed as much, but she didn't say a word, and she was a little wobbly on her own feet that evening as well. Regina had been just a little entranced by the way her blonde hair shone in the moonlight and the way her eyes shimmered when she laughed. She hadn't wanted the night to end just yet.

So she'd invited her in.

She hadn't had a clear intention of how she wanted the evening to unfold after that, but she'd be lying to herself if she said the thought of what could happen never crossed her mind.

And she invited her in anyway.

A million times, that little voice inside her head screamed at her to stop now, before it was too late, but that voice had been silenced when Emma had spilled her drink on her sweater, and blushing, had laughed and asked where she she could find a towel.

"Why don't you just take it off?"

Regina hadn't been sure she and Emma were on the same page until she'd seen that playfully challenging look in Emma's eyes as she did just that.

From that point on, it was a blur, really. A mix of the alcohol and adrenaline overtook her better judgment, and she was leading Emma up the stairs to her bedroom. She remembered clothing that couldn't come off fast enough and exploring every inch of Emma's pale skin with her mouth. She couldn't get enough, she couldn't get close enough, and something primal had taken over her then. She'd felt alive for the first time in ages, and when she made eye contact with Emma as she was making her come, she knew fully well that the manifestation of tangible magic in the room had come from inside her.

Of course, she really hadn't known what it meant at the time.

Emma had sighed, relaxed and sated, and her eyes appeared suddenly so heavy as Regina climbed off of her. She was glad Emma was already nearly asleep, as it meant she couldn't see the way Regina stayed still and stared at her, mouth gaping and eyes wide, as she came down from the magical high she'd somehow created inside and outside of herself.

She'd never experienced anything like that in her life before. She'd never created actual magic during sex, even with Maleficent, and she couldn't let herself even begin to ponder what that meant.

The flash of white light had sobered her up in an instant, and in the aftermath, she finally realized why this was a bad idea.

How could she have let this happen?

Robin was off taking care of his children and Killian was God knows where - she didn't really care, but it didn't make what they'd just done any less wrong. Robin was supposed to be her soulmate, and while Emma had insisted that she wanted to end things with Hook, the simple fact of the matter was, she hadn't yet, and Regina had no way of knowing if she'd still feel that way when the morning came.

No, she was sure that Emma wouldn't feel that way when morning came. Regina had already begun to convince herself that this was nothing more than two people seeking solace and finding it in each other. Emma might have been all in that night, but things always had a way of looking different when daylight came.

And, even if they didn't, Regina knew she couldn't let this continue. She hadn't let herself feel any kind of passion this deeply for anyone since Daniel had died. She couldn't. Save for Henry, everything good - everything she ever loved - was always ripped away from her in the end.

Sure, things could get a little boring with Robin, but she wasn't eighteen anymore and she didn't have all the time in the world to figure out what she wanted.

After all, how could she justify giving up a sure thing over one night?

And then, of course, there was Emma to consider, Regina had realized, as she'd finally slipped off the bed and began putting her clothing back on. Of course Emma would end up getting hurt. Everyone who crossed Regina's path ended up in the crossfire somehow, whether it was her intention or not. Fate had chosen Robin for her, and Regina shuddered to think of who might pay the price down the line if she tried to fight back against it this time.

So she woke Emma up.

And she told her to leave.

For her part, Emma was still intoxicated and high on post-coital bliss, grinning ear to ear while Regina harped at her over missing panties. Emma was telling her to calm down but she was just growing more agitated with every passing second, as she knew every second that passed was one second closer to her changing her mind and asking Emma to stay.

And that couldn't happen.

She hadn't really wanted to hurt Emma, but she'd seen no other option, really. She'd seen the hurt and confusion on Emma's face the following day when she'd called her into her office to tell her, on no uncertain terms, that this would not be continuing, but in the grand scheme of things she'd managed to convince herself that a little heartbreak now surely was better than whatever would happen down the line.

It wasn't easy watching Emma go from friend, to lover, to stranger, but Regina couldn't stop herself from fixating on the way she'd felt that night. She hadn't felt that kind of fire in her belly since she'd been with Daniel, and she couldn't risk that kind of heartbreak again. And she certainly couldn't subject Emma to it.

Emma had told her she was just scared, and Regina truly wondered if she had any idea how right she was.

Present

"I'm sorry," Emma whispered, her face red as she pulled back from the kiss that had surprised her just as much as it had surprised Regina; maybe even more so.

"Don't be."

Emma swallowed. "Okay."

Regina hesitated for just a moment, before attempting to lean in and recapture Emma's lips, but Emma turned away, shaking her head as she closed her eyes.

"Okay," Regina said, suddenly so unsure of herself. Emma continued to sit in silence, opening her eyes only to stare at her hands in her lap, and Regina knew it was up to her to keep talking. Emma had asked for answers, and Regina really couldn't deny that she deserved them.

"There's nothing wrong with you, Emma. I picked Robin because I didn't want to hurt him, and I didn't want to hurt you."

"How could you think that wouldn't hurt me?" Emma didn't look up.

"I thought… I thought you'd be hurt more in the long run if I didn't end things. I have an uncanny knack of destroying everything good in my life. You should know that by now. I didn't want you to end up as collateral damage."

Emma swallowed. "That's easy to say now."

Regina sighed. "Mal told me today that she thinks I'm trying to protect myself by playing it safe, and… maybe I am. But there's more to it than just that."

"So tell me." Emma continued to stare at her hands, as she shakily clenched and unclenched them.

"Pixie dust lead me to Robin. It was meant to show me my soulmate, and my second chance at a happy ending, and when I saw him, I didn't go into the tavern."

Emma shook her head. "Yeah, I know. I've heard the story."

"You've heard part of the story. I got scared and I didn't go in. And then I lied about it. That part you know, but… it wasn't just that I was afraid of being happy. What would have happened if I had gone in there? I couldn't just run away. The King's army would have tracked me down, and I doubt he would have been overly forgiving. And Robin… well, he would have likely been killed when they found us. It was like a cruel joke, because fate was showing me that I could be happy, hypothetically, but there was no way to make it reality."

"Okay," Emma said, trying to figure out where Regina was going with this.

"So I played it safe then. I was scared and I didn't go in, and I convinced myself that he'd be better off without me anyway, even if it meant I continued to suffer. I convinced myself that I was being selfless, but… do you know what Tinkerbell said to me in Neverland? That I ruined Robin's life that night, by not going into that tavern. Can you imagine?"

"So… you feel guilty?" Emma asked, finally looking up and searching Regina's eyes.

"I feel… responsible. I ruined his life once by not going into that tavern, and then years later, I killed his wife."

"Well, you did, and then you didn't. Zelena did."

"That doesn't change anything. I took away his chance at happiness not once, but twice. And now, if I want to be happy, I have to take it away a third time."

"Regina… I don't think it's that simple. This isn't the Enchanted Forest, you know. This is the real world, and your happiness - or lack thereof - isn't dictated by fate or pixie dust. If you want to be happy, you've got to go after what makes you happy. And so does Robin. If you're not happy with him, what makes you think you can make him so happy?"

Regina gave a half-hearted shrug as she processed what Emma was saying.

"And… his happiness isn't your responsibility in the first place. It's a lot to put on a person, trust me, I know. It's a lot of pressure to be responsible for someone else's happy ending, and I'm pretty sure that's not how it's supposed to work."

"But what if you and I had taken a chance and it all blew up in our faces?"

"That's what life is, Regina. Taking chances and not knowing what the outcome will be, but having faith that the chance it worth taking anyway. There's no sure things in this world, Regina. And, speaking of Mal, she told me pixie dust doesn't work exactly how you think it does. It doesn't consider all the possibilities. I've thought about that a lot, you know, and you're not the same person you were that night at the tavern, and neither is Robin. What makes you so sure that if you did it all over again, the pixie dust would still lead you to him?"

Regina gave a half hearted shrug. "I.. honestly don't know."

"Look, Regina, I'm not saying dump him and be with me. I know it's not that easy. I'm just saying… maybe it's time to start being honest with yourself."

Regina nodded. "Yeah, Mal said the same thing today."

"And... I'm sorry I kissed you. I don't really know what… I don't know what I was thinking."

"It's okay, really, it-" Regina wasn't quite sure how she planned on finishing that sentence, and inwardly she was relieved when Hope chose that moment to wake up and start wailing. The kiss was unexpected to say the least, and she needed time to process.

That night, Regina and Emma laid Hope down in the crib in her nursery for the first time, deciding to try their hand at alternating feedings throughout the night.

"Are you sure she's going to be okay?" Emma asked, nervously, in the hallway just outside Hope's nursery, as she worried the baby monitor in her hands.

"She'll be fine. You have her monitor, and even if you didn't, we both know she's got nice, healthy lungs. We'll wake up when she cries, I promise."

Emma nodded, and headed to her bedroom, somewhat reluctantly. But Regina was right; between the monitor and hearing Hope's actual cries from the nursery, she was up in a flash.

Regina had pulled the rocking chair back into the nursery earlier that evening, and as Emma sat and rocked and fed Hope, she smiled to herself. The sense of detachment to her daughter was still nagging at her, but the whole situation was starting to feel more like she'd thought it should in the first place. She wasn't stuck on her couch anymore, doing nothing more than sleeping and feeding a nameless baby.

It wasn't quite all that she'd imagined yet, but it was a start.

Down the hall, Regina laid awake in the bed in Emma's guestroom, staring up at the ceiling. She was sure she wasn't going to have to worry about whether or not she'd hear Hope cry when it was her turn to feed her, because she was sure she wasn't going to be getting any sleep any time soon.

So much had changed in the past few days, and there was so much that needed to be worked out. Emma's kiss aside - because she couldn't even begin to process that right now - Regina started replaying her conversation with Maleficent from earlier that day, over in her mind.

Once she'd arrived at the diner, and after a few minutes of Regina gushing over how nice it had been to spend a night with her daughter, she'd finally confessed to Mal that the real reason she'd wanted to meet up was to talk about Robin. And a few more minutes of Mal expressing - again - just what she thought of him, Regina had sighed and shook her head.

"Mal, please," she had said. "I'm coming to you as a friend, because I'm torn. I really don't know what the right thing to do is."

"I know," Mal had agreed. "But that's not a question I can answer for you. You need to take some time to think, and figure out what it is you want, and what you're really afraid of."

"Well, that's a little easier said than done."

"It's not, actually. You're just overthinking it. Regina, I know it's harder to see things clearly when you're in the middle of them, but anyone with eyes can see that you're unhappy. You think you cover it well, but I can see right through you, you know that. You're not yourself when you're with Robin. It's like… well, a long time ago you helped me get my fire back, but now I think it's you who's lost yours."

"I think that's a little melodramatic."

"Is it? Regina, it's not hard to see how tightly you cling to Robin, like you can't survive without him, but honey, you're not cut out to be a housewife. It's not in your nature, and one day you're going to grow tired of being nothing more than one half of 'Robin and Regina'. You've taken who you are and tried to snuff out the parts that don't fit into this 'soulmate' persona you think you have to live up to, because Robin can only see part of who you are. I, on the other hand, I know who you are. All of you."

"I'm not the person you thought you knew anymore."

"Yes, you are. Every piece of your past formed who you are, and every piece of your personality is still there, somewhere. You've just gotten good at hiding. It's easy for Robin to forgive your past because he hasn't seen that side of you, and he's in love with a distortion."

Regina frowned, knowing deep down that Mal was voicing the worries that she'd never been able to shake about her relationship.

"The real question is, though… why are you okay with that? Why are you okay with a man who is in love with who he thinks you are?"

"Maybe who he sees is the person I want to be."

"Regina, you've come a long way from who you used to be. We both have. But you know as well as I do that the darkness is still a part of you. You might not give in, but it's there, and you aren't going to truly be able to be happy unless you can find love with someone who sees every part of you, and accepts you anyway."

"And you think that person is Emma."

"Maybe. Maybe not. You'll never know if you don't try. What are you so scared of, Regina?" Mal had asked, her eyes imploring Regina to actually force herself to consider that question. "Are you afraid that if you take a risk - if you take a chance - with Emma, that it's not going to work out?"

Regina had shook her head, laughing mirthlessly. "I'm not afraid of what will happen if it doesn't work out. I'm worried about what will happen if it does."

Maleficent had sighed then, finally picking up on what was really going on. "You're afraid to be happy."

Regina bit her lip as she continued to stare up at the ceiling, long after she'd heard Emma head back into her room after feeding the baby. Part of her wanted to follow Emma into her room, and continue their conversation from earlier, but part of her didn't even know what she would say.

But, it was all going to have to come out in the open, eventually, and Regina knew it was going to be sooner rather than later, the longer she stayed at Emma's house. They couldn't keep going on in a stasis, and moving forward - or in any direction, really - Regina knew relied on her making a decision about Robin.

And she knew it was going to have to be her. If Robin were going to end things, he would have by now, she reasoned. In many ways, she was surprised he'd let it go on this long, but now she knew it was up to her to determine how much longer it continued. It wasn't just her future that hung in the balance anymore.

Regina sighed audibly as she read the newest text message that had just come in.

"Robin?" Emma asked from her place beside her on the couch, not actually looking up from the papers on her lap. Henry had left shortly after breakfast to go for a walk with Grace by the docks, and once Hope had gone down for her morning nap, the two of them had decided to actually get down to business on baby shower planning, but Regina's phone had been serving as a constant distraction. While Emma had tried her best to pretend she hadn't noticed it go off several times already, she was quickly becoming aware that the person on the other side wasn't planning on giving up any time soon. And it wasn't hard to guess who that person was.

"Yes," Regina said with a nod. "He won't stop insisting that we need to talk."

"Well, he's not wrong."

"I know. I just don't know what to do."

Emma glanced over at her. "Well, the first thing might be to actually answer one of those texts, because he's clearly not giving up until you do."

"No, I meant… I don't know what to do about me and Robin."

"I think you do."

Regina sighed.

"Regina… I don't want to sound self-serving here, but maybe it's time to wake up and see what everyone else can see."

"And what's that?"

"That you're miserable with him. Henry's right, you know. You're happier when you're here. Even you know that. I'm not saying that… well, I'm not saying that anything's going to happen between you and I, but do you really see yourself finding a way to be truly happy with Robin? I mean, if it's so meant to be, wouldn't the choice be easier?"

Regina nodded quickly. "I thought it would all just fall into place, eventually. Every relationship has its hurdles, right?"

Emma sighed. Regina had been visibly tense all morning, and she looked like she hadn't slept a wink the night before. Emma could tell by the way Regina's voice rose an octave higher than it usually was that the woman was on the verge of crying. "There's hurdles and then there's dead ends, Regina."

"I know. And what keeps running through my head is how do I make a choice between my soul mate and true love?"

"What?"

"I used to think one should go hand in hand with the other - that Robin being my soul mate would ensure true love. But, I'm learning it doesn't work that way. The proof is right there in that bassinet, isn't it? We might not have known, but Hope's very existence means something bigger for us. But, doesn't it make me a horrible person if I just leave Robin behind? He wanted to marry me and have a life with me, how can I expect him to just cut his losses and walk away?"

"I think it would be worse to have a life with him out of a sense of obligation, if you're not invested. I spent a lot of my life trying to assimilate into families where I wasn't really wanted and I never really belonged. You can't force a family to happen if everyone's not all in, and you haven't been all in for a long time, have you?"

Regina shook her head. "No."

"So, then the choice should be obvious."

Regina nodded. "So… do you want to talk about… that? True love, I mean?"

"No," Emma said, simply.

"Emma, I think we need to talk about what it means."

"Yeah, we do. But we're not having that conversation until you make a choice. We could have two very different conversations, but it all depends on what you decide to do."

Regina paused for a moment, before nodding again. "You're right. And I know what I'm going to do."

"Okay. Do it. Then we'll talk."