Well hello there! Fancy seeing you here. It's been awhile since we last met. How have ya'll been? Good I hope. What did I do? Well lets see, I've been around the world and I, I, well got playa hated. I don't know and I don't know why. Maybe because I'm so fancy being in the fast lane from L.A. to Tokyo? I do know that I got 99 problems and most of them leave me all by myself to figure out.
**SHAZAM! I also made my yearly trek to the Twilight holy land. You know what they say about Forks; 'What happens in Forks, gets put into a fan fiction!'
This outtake is brought to you by the letters in the alphabet put together to makes words. A HUGE thanks to all of my loves. Thank you for one of the best weekends I've had in awhile. Of course to WT for doing your thang and for just being you. Also to Kmah and her mighty red pen!
I think we all know by now that I do not own Twilight. Remember, the tide is high. Enjoy.
Outtake
Bella Spills the Magic Penis Beans
"Ummm, yeah, so uh, I gots a pizza delivery for a Rosalie 'I put out like a porno' Hale." I hear Bella say in her best New York accent, strutting through our door holding three boxes of Gordy's pizza.
"I only put out if you're not wearing underwear and you have a thick, juicy cock ready to spring forth and take me straight to pound town," Rose quips as she walks around the corner holding two bottles of tequila and a bag of lemons.
"Dammit, I forgot thick and juicy at home," Bella retorts. I can hear them both laughing as I come out of the bathroom.
Bella grabs the stuff out of Rose's hands and puts it on the coffee table. "Tequila, check. Bag o' lemons, check. Salt…" Rose interrupts by yelling, "Check! Shot glasses, check!" as she pulls the salt shaker and three shot glasses from her bra.
"Drinking a lil' Jose isn't the same unless your shot glasses have been in the breast warmer first." I giggle as I lean down and do a little motorboating before sitting down on the floor next to Bella.
"Sweet Jesus, motorboating before pizza is a sure sign of a fun night." Bella laughs, shaking her head.
"Oh, Bella Boo, any time is a good time for motorboating and of course it's gonna be a fun night. Our combined collective awesomeness makes it a for sure thing at any and all times."
"True dat," Rose says as she pours each of us a shot.
We raise our glasses. "To combined collective awesomeness!"
Clink, shot, lick, and suck.
"You got my favorite, right?" I ask, already knowing the answer but a double-check check never hurt nobody.
"Really, Tink, how can you ever doubt my pizza ordering skills? That is one of the first thing a Swan spawn learns to do." Bella looked at me with a faked look of hurt on her face.
"One Bella Luna pizza for Rose, one Great Greek pizza for me, and one Hobgoblin pizza for my little hobgoblin." Rose snickers. I huff.
"How many times do I have to remind you that I am not a small, hairy man-creature that does chores for humans while they sleep? For one, I am NOT hairy! In fact, I just finished bedazzling my vagina before you got here. Which means, minus the beautifully coiffed hair on the top of my head, I am hair-free. Most importantly, I am definitely NOT a man. I have zero desire to have a one-eyed dingle dangle hanging between my legs. Did you know that they get angry if you give them clothes instead of food? I mean, come on! Have you EVER known me to pass up new clothes? I think not. For the last time, I am a fairy queen, not a hobgoblin. Get it right before I take your favorite chucks off your feet and burn them," I end my rant by taking a huge bite out of my delicious pizza. I look over and they are both leaning against each other, laughing so hard no sound is coming out. I just sit glaring at them while I eat.
They finally stop laughing enough to speak. "Wait! You bedazzled your vagina?" Rose hollers as they burst into laughter once more.
"Shut your pie hole, Hale. It is no different than shaving your pubes into different shapes!" I say with a mouth full of pizza.
"I beg to differ, oh Queen of the bedazzled vagina fairies. I merely manipulate my natural God-given landscaping. You rip yours out with a few quick yanks of wax and glue shiny clear and pink AstroTurf rhinestones in its place."
"Oh my God… Can't breathe… I feel like I am on an episode of 'Pimp My Vag'," Bella says between breaths. Rose pours us each another shot.
Clink, shot, lick, and suck.
"Seriously though, why the fuck would you glue rhinestones to your lady bits region? I know Jasper likes shiny things but pussy is pussy. Pretty sure he doesn't care. And really, Rose? Shapes? Is it like a test for my brother? If he guesses the shape right, do you give him a treat? Never mind, don't answer that. Hair or bare, pick one. Anything more is just too much work," Bella says shaking her head and pouring herself another shot.
Clink, shot, lick, and suck.
I mentally tap my fingers together deviously. My plan is working. Talk about things that embarrass Bella so she will drink more and we can get the goods on Edward. I know she thinks we forgot and she is in the clear. She is obviously underestimating our patience. Two more shots and she will start to get loose lips.
"Are you sure you're not a hobgoblin? You have an evil glint in your eye and those little fuckers can be mischievous. Not to mention frightening, dangerous, and hard to get rid of. You just threatened to burn my Chucks and you can be pretty scary…" Bella says as she protects her beloved ratty Chuck Taylors.
"And I've been trying to get rid of you for years," Rose interjects with a smile. I stick my tongue out at her and pour us each another shot.
Clink, shot, lick, and suck.
"Bells, I can't believe that your dad is getting married in two days. Not gonna lie, I'm kinda jealous of Sue. She gets to hit that sweet Hot Daddy Swan cock for the rest of her life," I say, licking my lips and wagging my eyebrows.
"Oh, GOD! STOP. You did not just say that. That is my dad!"
"If Emmett's cock of deliciousness is anything like his fathers, then Sue probably rides him like bull every chance she gets!" I immediate get on all fours and Rose puts one hand in the air and pretends to ride me like a bull. It doesn't last long because one look at Bella's horrified face has us rolling on the ground laughing.
She throws pillows at us and then takes another shot. Rose gives me a sly smile. My plan is working perfectly.
"Why? Why must you two torture me! No girl EVER wants to hear about her father's or her brother's cocks. Let alone what they do with it. I'm gonna have to bleach out my brain when I get home. I vote for a subject change." She shakes her head as if trying to dispel the images. Silly girl.
"Fine. We can discus meat flaps," Rose says before jamming half a slice of pizza in her mouth.
"Meat what?!" I have heard a lot of things but I do not recall ever hearing about a meat flap. Does it have something to do with butchering meat? Why on earth would Rose know about butchering?
"Seriously, Alice, you don't know what a flap is?" Bella says as she pushes another shot my way.
Clink, shot, lick, and suck.
"No, why would I know anything about meat flaps? I am a wedding planner, not a butcher." I roll my eyes.
"Ha!" Bella shouts as she pours us all another shot.
Clink, shot, lick, and suck.
Bella sits up straight. "My dear sweet Alice, a meat flap is when a woman, let's say Lauren for example, has an extra-long clit that might be mistaken for a small penis."
"WHAT!?"
"Or, and I will also use Lauren as an example as I assume she is well versed in this subject, when a girl has taken it in the ass so many times, it leaves her with a small piece of skin that sags down out of her worn out orifice. Like an extend-a-taint."
"Go, go, Gadget Extend-a-taint!" Bella yells, collapsing into more laughter.
"Oh. My. God. That is both hilarious and utterly disturbing at the same time."
"I am so yelling that at that skank next time I see her!" Rose and Bella high five.
"As much I would love to continue this riveting conversation about Lauren and her meats flaps, I just remembered I have the best story!" I start clapping and bouncing up and down. I have been dying to pull this out since Bella got here.
"She's bouncing. This must be good." Rose and Bella take two more shots.
Clink, shot, lick, and suck.
"Okay, so as you know my smexy little Jazzy Pants has an uncircumcised penis." Bella pours another shot for her and one for Rose.
Clink, shot, lick, and suck.
"So yesterday I walk in on him getting out of the shower and he is doing what he refers to as his 'Dingle Dangle Dance', which is really just shaking his giant one-eyed worm back and forth, and, I shit you not, water was coming out like a sprinkler! Like an uncircumcised penis sprinkler!"
We all get to our feet, stick an arm out down by our crotch and start doing the sprinkler. By the third, click, click, spray, we are laughing so hard tears are running down our cheeks.
"I am SOOOO using that against him! Oh, this is so good! Alice, I could kiss you!" Bella grabs my face and plants on right on my lips. I let out a little giggle. Poor Jazzy, he is gonna kill me for telling her that but I had to. I am luring her in for the kill right now. I'm sorry that his dingle dangle dance is collateral.
"You know who has a great penis? Edward." Bella nods her head as she takes another shot and then jams the last slice of her pizza in her mouth. I give Rose a mental high five. Yes! Hook, line and sinker!
"Really? Do tell," Rose says as she leans in. Three months is a long time to wait but we are patient nosey bitches.
"It's fucking magically delicious, is what it is. Like a big bowl of 80/20 Lucky Charms." Her eyes close and she sighs.
"Did you just equate Edward's cock to a bowl of Lucky Charms?"
"Abso-fucking-lutley I did, Tinker-Goblin. But not just any bowl, the perfect bowl with 80% marshmallows and 20% Cheerios slutty sugary-coated cousin."
Rose and I bust out in hysterics. "Only you, B, would compare Edward Cullen's penis to a bowl of cereal. You are so related to Emmett."
"It's big too. Long and thick. But not too big where your organs start screaming because they just know they are gonna feel that shit. It's just right. Oh, and beautiful! Just when you think he couldn't get any more hot, BAM!" She claps her hands together. This is too funny. I don't think we have ever heard Bella talk like this about a guy's dick. Ever. And we have heard plenty of stories.
"Out pops magic!" Oh lord, now she's doing spirit fingers.
"That's not even the best part. The best part was when he took his quivering member and slid it into a wet, hot, awaiting Virgina and took me straight to pound town. Seriously ya'll, I was screaming his name. Who does that? I've never done that." She is so animated right now. Hands are flying and she practically humping the pillow she is sitting on.
"Oh!" She pushes a laughing Rose over. "He growls. Fucking growls! Sexiest shit ever. Ever, I tell ya!" She falls backwards on the floor looking like she is about to make a snow angel. Her eyes close and she has this huge smile on her face.
"I have to say, B, I've never heard you talk like this about sex." I say as I lay on the floor next to her.
"Well, she'd have to know their name first in order to scream it." Rose laughs. Both of us have spent plenty of mornings picking Bella up after a night of nameless one-night stands. I will never understand how she doesn't even know their name.
Bella reaches up and pulls Rose down to the floor on the other side of her. She places a hand on each of our boobs gives them a squeeze and says, "Best sex ever. BOOM." She lets go of each boob like she just dropped a mic.
"Ha! God, I love you, Bella. Seriously, you're fucking hilarious." Rose reaches over and gives Bella's boob a squeeze.
"Love you too, Rosie. And you too, Alli."
"Awwww, I love you guys too. On that note, it's almost 2 a.m. and we have a big day ahead of us. We need to get you home." As soon as I say this, Jasper and a drunk Emmett come stumbling in the door.
"Rosie Baby, Big Papa is home. Time to get naked!" Emmett bellows as he drunkenly scoops up Rose throws her over his shoulder and heads towards her bedroom.
Jasper looks down at a half-passed out Bella on the floor. "Looks like the calvary arrived just in time."
"Oh, look it's Captain Whitlock and his uncircumcised sprinklererer." Bella giggles as she sits up. Jasper's head whips over to me. Dammit, Bella. I was banking on you forgetting that. He does not look happy. I flash him my best puppy dog eyes and shrug.
"Alrighty B, time to get you home." I grab her arms and yank her to her feet.
She looks over to Jasper and starts doing the penis sprinkler and laughing.
Jasper picks her up and throws her over his shoulder. Before he walks at the door he turns and says, "You are so gonna pay for that, Darlin'. I will deal with you when I get home."
** A/N
Is that convo all that you expected it to be? Who else wants to see Jasper do his Dingle Dangle dance? If you laughed at all reading this, than you get a hint of what my weekend in Forks was like. I love all my loves! Thank you for inspiring me to finally write an outtake.
While going back and rereading TDHIRL, I realized that it is kind of a hot mess grammar wise. So first, THANK YOU to all my readers for looking past it and still enjoying the story. Second, I have enlisted kmah and her mighty red pen to make it less, 'guurrrlll you flunk grammar in school didn't you.' The answer is, yes, yes I did. To be fair, I was sleeping. Thank you again. I appreciate each and every one of you more than you will ever know. I'd love to hear what you think.
XOZO
HB