Chapter 23

Author notes: Going on a nine hour drive to see family until Tuesday, so I doubt I'll add anything for a little while to this unless they had wireless internet there for my laptop… otherwise will probably just use this for watching movies in the car, lol.

Buffy couldn't have guessed for how much longer the adults talked; they were covering a wide range of topics, everything from the Council to Faith's health, Faith's future to Buffy's future, the deaths of them both and what that might mean in the long run. Buffy even thought she heard some surprisingly heated arguing over whether it mattered who was elected President when they were faced with an apocalypse every year. The one thing Buffy's ears perked up with in slight interest at was that Wesley knew of and had even met the new Slayer, the third Chosen One. Apparently she was British, a sixteen-year-old called Jana Drury. Buffy doubted she would ever meet her- nor did she have any desire to do so- but it was good to know, at any rate.

The three were not talking to or with girls so much as talking about them, in front of them. Buffy didn't really mind, though. At another time she probably would have made a point of putting herself into the conversation whenever she saw an opportunity, just to let them know she wasn't there to be ignored, but this evening she was too distracted, her mind on other things. Such as Faith, her possible irritation with her, and the prospect of leaving her alone with Giles all day tomorrow while she went back to class.

Buffy was still anxious about that- for Faith, of course, but also for herself. How was she going to concentrate and get work done, not knowing how Faith was doing? What if she got hurt, or needed help, and was too embarrassed to tell Giles? How was she going to get up and down the stairs? Was Giles going to help with exercises? It would have been one thing if he was doing them with Buffy- that was different. As her Watcher he had done similar things, and she thought of him like a father. But Faith surely didn't… they almost had never touched each other, even before her… mistakes. Surely that would be uncomfortable for both of them. And more than that- what if Faith didn't just need her physically, but emotionally? Giles couldn't help her with that, Buffy was sure- she wasn't even sure if she could most of the time. God, how was she going to do this- why had she agreed to it?

For Faith. Because Faith wanted it… or had she? Had she just been saying face, hoping Buffy would give her an out? Had Buffy failed to do that for her?

She didn't know.

Buffy would have thought that Faith would be annoyed that Wesley, Giles, and her mother were talking about her like she wasn't there, especially after her comment earlier. But strangely, she didn't seem to mind either, or even notice, hardly. Like Buffy, she appeared to be caught up in her own thoughts, whatever they might have been, a slight frown just barely tensing her features. The couple of times that Buffy had tried to catch her eye, Faith's eyes had been dark and cloudy, unclear in their expression. She had not seemed to realize that Buffy was looking at her- or if she did, she was doing a great job pretending not to. After the second try Buffy had given up, but even as she settled back into her own thoughts again, she had found her eyes drifting back toward Faith periodically, searching her face.

Eventually Buffy found that her mind was drifting, wandering away from even her own thoughts, and she was beginning to grow sleepy. Her thinking was slowing, and she found herself leaning back into the couch, her eyelids heavy as she attempted to keep them open and alert. Why she was bothering when no one seemed fit to engage her in conversation, she didn't know.

It appeared that Faith was having the same problem. They had already been sitting pretty close, and Buffy was aware a bit more dimly than normal that Faith was gradually, probably unconsciously, beginning to lean against her, more and more heavily as the minutes passed. When Buffy looked over at her somewhat sleepily, she could see that Faith's eyes were drooping, half closed, and her features and posture had slackened greatly. It wasn't until her head had dropped fully over onto Buffy's shoulder, however, that she realized just how close to sleep Faith really was.

Joyce seemed to suddenly notice at about the same time. Looking over at her daughter and the girl slumped against her side, her face creased with concern even as she smiled, reaching to tenderly run a hand over Faith's hair.

"This child is exhausted," she said softly, holding a strand of Faith's hair and rubbing its ends between her fingertips as she smiled at her gently. "And you look tired too, Buffy…why don't you go help her get ready for bed? I'm sure one of us will tell you later if you miss anything we think you need to know. And you do have school tomorrow, after all."

Giles and Wesley glanced over at the girls in surprise; they seemed to have almost have forgotten that they were there. Both looked slightly apologetic, and Giles rolled up his sleeve a little to look at his watch.

"I hadn't realized it was so late… dear Lord, I do apologize. Yes, do , do feel free to go, Buffy, Faith- we'll try not to keep you for much longer, Ms. Summers."

Grateful for the permission, yet hating to make Faith move when she seemed to have relaxed, maybe forgotten about whatever had been bothering her, Buffy ran a slow hand over Faith's hair, suppressing a yawn of her own as she let it come to a rest on Faith's shoulder, shaking it softly.

"Faith… come on, Faith, you ready for bed?" she asked, her voice sleepy.

When Faith's eyes barely opened a millimeter, and she pressed her cheek harder into Buffy's shoulder, burrowing closer against her side, Buffy smiled, not caring who was watching or what they might be thinking as she caressed Faith's head again.

"Come on, Faith… stand up, I'm gonna help you. I've got you…"

She pulled Faith to her feet, arranging Faith's arm loosely around her and holding her securely around the waist. She intended to half drag her to the stairs, then carry her the rest of the way, out of the others' sight. But Faith apparently had other ideas. Growing more alert, opening her eyes, she muttered somewhat groggily, "Let me try the walker, B…"

"What?" Buffy said in surprise, looking at the girl still half slumped on her incredulously. "Faith, come on, you're asleep on your feet. Can't that wait until tomorrow?"

Tomorrow, with you and Giles… tomorrow, when I won't be there… a nagging little voice sounded in her head, and Buffy swallowed, willing it away.

But Faith was a little more awake now, a little more steady, leaning a little less on Buffy… and she sounded more determined as she repeated, "No… no, B, I want to try it now."

And she did… it made Buffy lose every scrap of her sleepiness in her worry as she followed behind Faith, trying not to hover, to seem too anxious or suffocating, and yet still staying close enough that she could catch her if she felt. And she almost did… despite her concentration, Faith stumbled twice, almost slipping to the floor before Buffy grabbed hold of her. Each time Buffy's heart leapt to her throat, and she barely suppressed a cry of alarm… and each time Faith seemed to stiffen, upset at what she must have seen as a weakness or a failure, at having to accept Buffy's help. Buffy was starting to worry if she had more to worry about than Faith in her walker. Was Faith reverting back so quickly to her old attitude of defensiveness towards Buffy? 

Was she mad at her, more upset than Buffy had realized for talking about her like she wasn't' there? Or was Buffy overreacting?

It seemed to take years for Faith to reach the foot of the steps, where Buffy could finally breathe easy as she carried Faith up in one arm, resting on her hip, and the walker in the other. She already was leery of the thing, but if it made Faith fall and break her leg or something…

Why the hell are you thinking that Buffy, that is a jinx thought! You live at the Hellmouth, you can't have jinx thoughts, that is just asking for trouble!

Faith used the walker again to maneuver herself around in the bathroom; Buffy could hear her banging it into things clumsily and cursing. She itched to go in and help her, but she stayed put outside the bathroom door, resisting the urge to call out to her. Faith had made it abundantly clear, even if she didn't actually say so, that she didn't want Buffy to help her, that she wanted, if at all possible, to do things for herself. It seemed important to her, so Buffy didn't argue; she had done enough arguing concerning Faith already this evening, and it had gotten her exactly nowhere. Maybe even set her behind where she'd already managed to get…

When Faith finally emerged from the bathroom, and Buffy had finished in there as well, she followed Faith back into her room. The brunette by that point was noticeably more physically than mentally weary. Her arms were shaking from the strain of using them to help support herself, and her legs looked loose and fumbling to Buffy, rubbery. But when Buffy offered to help her the rest of the way, Faith shook her head determinedly, gritting her teeth, and finished creeping across the room toward Buffy's bed at a speed that was frustratingly slow for them both. She did, however, consent to Buffy lifting her up onto the bed and at least changing her from sweats to pajama bottoms for her. When that had been finished, Faith changed herself into the shirt Buffy handed her, then practically collapsed back onto the bed, breathing with a quickness she tried in vain to disguise. Buffy could not read her expression… was Faith doing that deliberately?

She covered her with the blanket, then crawled in bed beside her, whispering good night… but even after Faith had exhaled a barely audible reply, Buffy lay there, unable to sleep. She had a sinking feeling that they had gone inexplicably right back to where they started, or at least were beginning to slip back in that direction. And she really couldn't understand why, what had happened to do that…

Faith was quiet, but Buffy knew she was not sleeping. She was holding herself very still, and there was a very defined space between their bodies… they were definitely not touching even slightly.

And it was driving Buffy insane.

Finally Buffy couldn't take it anymore, couldn't stand worrying, wondering what was going on with them, what it was Faith was thinking. She rolled over to face her abruptly, pitching her voice low, but her uncertainty showed through anyway.

"Faith… I know you're still awake. What's going on… are you, are you mad at me? Or upset or something… what's wrong? Please tell me what's wrong…"

Faith sighed, and Buffy could practically hear it rattle through her frame. When she spoke, her words were so uncomfortably stated that a three-year-old would have known she was lying.

"I'm not mad, B… nothin's wrong…"

"Faith, I know that's not true," Buffy persisted. "Something's bothering you… please, Faith, just tell me so I can make it better."

Faith was quiet for a while; all Buffy could hear was her slightly heightened breathing.

"I don't want you to make things better for me, B," she said finally, and her words were very soft. "I.. I want to fix things myself. I don't… I don't want you thinkin' you have to do all this shit, that you have to do everything for me. I… I don't want you worryin' about me, leavin' me alone sometimes and all. I'm not gonna get hurt, or try to kill myself, or run off or nothin'… I'm not gonna do anything. And I… I'm not gonna hurt no one," she said, and though her voice was small, almost ashamed, there was an edge to it as well, almost a challenge.

"What?!" Buffy sputtered, almost sitting upright with her shock at Faith's words. "Faith- that's not what I meant at all! I don't' think that! I'm not worried about what you'll do- I'm just worried about you!"

She looked towards Faith's eyes, her voice lowering as she tried to meet them in the darkness.



"I'm worried about you, Faith. Just you. Maybe you don't want me to, maybe you're not used to it or something, but I can't help it. I… I always worry about people I love."

It was a long while before Faith answered… long enough that Buffy frowned, sure she wasn't going to answer at all. Her words, when they came, were muttered so Buffy was not sure at first she'd understood.

"You shouldn't…"

"Shouldn't what?" Buffy frowned, confused. "Shouldn't worry about you? I told you, Faith, I'm sorry, but I can't help it-"

"No," Faith clarified, and her voice was small, soft, even huskier than usual. "I meant… I meant you shouldn't love me."

Buffy's heart squeezed in her chest, and her stomach flipped; she had to remind herself after a second that despite her current urging, she couldn't cry, couldn't make Faith feel any worse. When she spoke, her voice was nearly as husky as Faith, not very adept at concealing her emotion.

"Sorry, Faithy… but you don't get a choice with that. 'Cause I can't help that either…"

Taking a steadying breath, Buffy scooted closer to her. It was evident to her by now that until Faith had fully come to terms with everything, it was always going to have to be her who made the first move. She put her arms around Faith carefully, not wanting to make her stiffen up or panic, and held her, as she had the night before, only this time with Faith facing her.

Faith did tense at first, but as Buffy kept still, only moving her thumbs a bit to caress the skin underneath them, she gradually began to relax. When she slowly rested her head on Buffy's chest, Buffy kissed it; it was in this position that they eventually drifted into sleep.