Warning: This chapter is about Wikileaks. While you're not going to find anything in here that you can't find on Wikipedia or any news source that isn't WorldNetDaily, I would caution against reading this at work, school, or in public (even though I typed it up in the public library). If I had to pick any part of this chapter to be really wary of, it would be the author's comments at the end.

Chapter Twenty-Five: None Of Your Business

When the news that an organization dedicated to releasing secret information had released a bunch of documents on American diplomatic relations hit, Alfred didn't worry too much about it. He didn't really directly deal with other countries' bosses, and he trusted that his diplomats wouldn't have done anything stupid. After all, they were supposed to be diplomatic! So he was completely unprepared for that night at the pub the countries always gathered at. Ivan Braginski entered, scowling even more than usual. As soon as he caught sight of Alfred sitting at the table, enjoying a beer, he stormed over and slammed his hand down, causing the beer to spill all over Alfred.

"What the hell, Ivan!" he complained, dabbing at the mess with a napkin.

"America, you asshole! You said I was run by the Mafiya! That's not true! And besides, you have your own problems with organized crime! Or did you forget what happened with Al Capone? And how dare you call my boss Robin to my other boss's Batman! They are nothing like Batman and Robin! And you claim that my bosses knew about the poisonings of political dissidents? Are you accusing them of conspiracy?"

"Ivan, I have no idea what you're talking about," Alfred said, genuinely confused. "I never called you Batman and Robin."

"Don't try to play stupid! And I know you didn't call me Batman and Robin!" Ivan yelled. "You ought to know, since your people said it! In their little cables that the Australian guy leaked!"

"No, Ivan, I seriously do not know what you are talking about," Alfred replied, even more confused than before. "I do know documents were leaked but I had no idea what they said. It's not like the diplomats let me read their private messages. If they did call you the Mafia and Batman, then I will find out who did it and talk to them to let them know that is not acceptable."

"You didn't even bother to look at the documents when they were leaked?" Ivan asked. This time it was his turn to be confused. "Why would you not read the documents?"

"I had more important things to do, and I didn't think it was going to be a big deal..." Ivan just rolled his eyes.

"You might want to look into those documents, America," he replied. "That way you won't look like an idiot when someone else confronts you about it. And I know they will be confronting you about it. No one is very pleased with the way your people described their bosses and societies... especially France."

"Oh god, what did they say about France?" Alfred asked, getting a very bad feeling about this. Ivan smirked.

"I'd tell you, but I think he wants to have the chance to tell you himself, and he's here right now," the large Russian man replied, stepping to the side to allow an irritated Francis Bonnefoy access to the table.

"Where do you get off calling my boss the 'emperor with no clothes?'" the Frenchman asked irritably. "I've never said anything so disrespectful about any of your bosses, not even your last one!" Alfred resisted the urge to bang his head on the table.

"Francis, I had no idea that any of my diplomats said anything like that," he explained. "I did not have access to the documents before the leak, it's not like they send me an email every time they say something. I am sorry for any offense caused and will be speaking to all diplomats about how important it is in their line of work to be, well, diplomatic." France didn't look convinced.

"Are you saying you didn't look at the documents when they were released in the first place?" he asked. "Why would you not do that?"

"I didn't think it was necessary!" Alfred retorted. "I'm sorry!" France still didn't seem like he completely believed Alfred, but at least made his stance less aggressive.

The rest of the evening went on with countries from everywhere showing up to yell at Alfred for his lack of tact. He even got a email from Im Hyun Soo, North Korea, Yong Soo's reclusive, paranoid twin brother, saying that "So you think I act like a spoilt child? I show you just how much of a spoilt child I can be... WITH MY NUKES!" While Hyun Soo had a propensity for threatening to nuke EVERYONE, lately he had been a bit more aggressive, which could cause some problems. He quickly typed back the same response that he had been giving everyone else- that he wasn't aware of the content of the documents until a few minutes ago. The response? "ARE YOU STUPID? Why would you not read the documents? I will hold off on destroying you for now... but slip up again and I WILL NUKE YOU!"

After what seemed like hours, everyone finally got everything out of their systems, they started asking Alfred what he planned to do to control the damage. Alfred sighed. "I don't know," he replied. "From what you're saying the guy behind it isn't American? I can't do anything about that!"

"What about the guy who leaked the documents in the first place?" Ivan suggested. "Maybe you could make him... disappear." Everyone backed away slowly from the Russian.

"Uh... that's not how we deal with political enemies in my country," Alfred replied. "But, uh, thanks anyway for the suggestion."

"Anytime!" Ivan said cheerily, causing everyone to step back even further.

When the night was finally over, Alfred went back to Washington D.C, where he spoke to a military official who assured him that yes, the one responsible for leaking the information was being held in custody. Alfred nodded, not really sure what to think about that. Then, he went back to his apartment, booted up his computer, and decided to see for himself what the documents said.

He was very surprised to see that indeed, his diplomats said what the other countries accused him of saying. He was also shocked to see the other information that the organization had posted- BP's lousy safety records before and after the Gulf oil spill, the falsified data on the climate change, and a whole host of some extremely fucked-up stuff that had been happening right under his nose. He made a mental note to verify the contents of those documents, and if they turned out to be true... well, he wasn't even sure how he could go about fixing problems of that magnitude.

The leaks were embarrassing, humiliating, and awkward, as well as very eye-opening. But there was a lot of information there- even if he tightened security, could they really keep the information from becoming free? And at what cost? Was he really willing to give up freedom just to save face?

It was something he was going to have to think very hard about.

To Be Continued

Really Long Author's Comments:

Here we are, the long-awaited Wikileaks chapter.

To be honest, for a while I wasn't sure whether or not I was even going to do this chapter, even though I wanted to. For a lot of people I have talked to, both IRL and OTI, people cannot seem to separate Wikileaks from Julian Assange, and immediately think "WIKILEAKS = JULIAN ASSANGE = RAPIST." (which opens up a whole other can of worms as to whether or not the accusations are legitimate, but I'm not going to get into that here- it ends badly). Other people I know consider Assange to be a hero.

You will notice that I left him out of this except for passing mentions to "the Australian guy." I did that on purpose, because I didn't want this to become a courtroom. I didn't want to pass judgment on whether or not he's a spy, or a rapist, or a hacker, or a traitor (which is kind of LOLWUT seeing as he's not American so technically release of American documents doesn't make him a traitor) or whatever else the media is calling him these days.

I wanted to focus more on the content of the leaks, which when I read them I immediately started thinking of how countries might react to them. All of what Russia and France and North Korea accused Alfred of calling them are true., you can find them through Google. Also, I like writing crazy trigger-happy North Korea. Because I can just picture the personification of that country lurking around and emailing threats just because he can.

Anyway, feel free to tell me your take on the situation, it's always interesting to hear what people have to say on this subject.

Edit: Huh. FFnet ate this chapter the first time I submitted it. Hopefully this time it works.

-Kaboom