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In The Darkest Light

(25)

"I'm ready to go home..." Sara appeared at the door, her eyes were red rimmed and her cheeks flushed- it was clear that she been crying. But still she forced a weak smile realising that she would be asked what was wrong if she did not.

"It was nice catching up with you Catherine. I'm certain I'll be seeing you soon..." Grissom smiled- his eyes seemed to be asking her not to tell his wife anything that had been said in their conversation. And silently Catherine agreed to keep quiet. "Let's go home honey..."

"I'll see you around." Catherine smiled attempting to pretend that everything was fine- that things were just like always. She wondered if Sara, Grissom and Greg felt the feeling of foreboding as much as she did.

Grissom and Sara walked silently to the car avoiding goodbyes and conversations with their friends as they passed by- in the air between them the things that they needed to say silently lingered. She caught Greg's eye as they drove out of the parking lot but his defeated expression did nothing to calm the anger that was bubbling up inside her. She wondered how he could end things the way he had done. How after everything they felt for each other he could just say that it would be best for them to just walk away and pretend that nothing had happened.

Had he not felt the same things she had done the other night?

Had he woken up thinking that it was a mistake but finding that he couldn't say the right words to explain?

Thinking about all of these things it hurt far too much- because she hadn't stopped herself from falling for him. All of this time Sara had been so caught up in keeping her head above water that she forgotten not to fall in love with Greg. She had woken in his arms to realise that he had become home. The thought itself was like a weight on her heart as she tried to stop herself from crying- mourning for something that never should have been. To stop herself from giving away everything that she had been hiding.

Sara took a deep breath turning to face her husband- she realised that she didn't know what to say to him. It was as if with each word they were getting closer to the truth coming out. They were getting closer to the admission that she had betrayed him. She wondered what he would say if she confessed- if she admitted that she had crossed a line with a friend- that she had made love to him in their marital bed. She imagined herself acknowledging that she was not worthy of his love because deep down she knew it was the truth. From the moment they had met she had been someone striving to be the source of his perfection. But in honesty she was far from it.

She was anything but perfect.

Life had broken her down in ways that he could have barely perceived as she'd smiled at him across the lecture theatre that day. But still they had forged something. It had taken years of heart break and hurt but they had been love and it all just seemed like collateral damage.

"How was your flight?" She asked hoping that small talk would lead to something- some sort of definite knowledge of what was going to happen. Sara needed to know that her marriage was really over that there was nothing that could be done to save their crumbling relationship. It was closure she was looking for.

"It was okay- there was some turbulence but nothing too significant." Grissom shrugged as he kept his eyes focused on the traffic guilt filling him as he thought about how he would tell Sara that things between them weren't working anymore and it felt as if he couldn't keep trying. After everything that had happened to her it just felt so wrong to be leaving Sara alone, he knew that it was a bad reason to stay but as he attempted to reacquaint himself with their relationship Grissom realised it was the only reason he could think of at all.

Grissom wondered if she felt as exhausted as he did sitting here trying to act as if nothing had changed. He attempted to assess if she felt that small spark of resentment towards him about the long haul flights, the late night phone conversations and the constant compromises. As much as he didn't want to snap at her the underlying anger was too much to ignore.

"Did you watch any of the in-flight movies?" Sara smiled at him knowing exactly what his answer would be.

"Of course not..." Grissom rolled his eyes. The empty conversation didn't seem like enough when there were so many things that needed to be said.

They reached their house with nothing between them but silence- Sara couldn't help but let her mind wander to the other night. The way Greg had driven her home, the way she'd asked him to stay. He'd always managed to comfort her when she was at her worst. There was something about the understanding in his eyes, the warmth in his embrace and the sound of his whispers that made everything alright.

But why wasn't that the case this time?

Sara opened the door into the place that Grissom should have recognised as his home but the house seemed just so unfamiliar to him. Everything about it just seemed to be out of place- or rather- in the place Sara wanted it. It was her house. Not his.

"Do you mind if I rest? I'm still feeling a little jet lagged." Grissom asked nervously realising that now they were completely alone their feelings were going to have to be addressed.

"Of course...go ahead." Sara didn't stop him the same thoughts stuck in her mind. She didn't know how to go about talking to Grissom about what was happening between them- they had never been good at communication.

Hadn't that been the very reason they had found themselves in separate countries?

Sara hadn't been able to tell Grissom that she couldn't stay in Paris any more- that she was bored with the life they had created. She had never intended to simply just hang off his arms and attend the events that the university threw while pretending to be happy with waiting at home for his returning, reading dull books and watching day time television; Sara had always been her own person. But the longer she stayed in Paris the more that seemed to slip away. She had just become 'Gil Grissom's wife' and she wondered when she had started to see being labelled as that a bad thing.

When that call had come from Ecklie she had taken the opportunity immediately- she needed to get out and become her own person again rather than just an extension of him. She had kept her last time, and she planning on keeping her own identity no matter what the cost. A part of her wondered if she should have stayed in Paris because it was evident to her in that moment that her cost of leaving had been her marriage.

Perhaps if she had stayed this mess would not have been created?

Grissom lay in bed his eyes focused on the ceiling as he attempted to unravel what was happening; his attempts at falling asleep were proving to useless and he just hoped Sara would not appear. He had barely been able to look her in the eye since he had returned.

Separately they both wondered what it would take to come clean and admit that they were no longer in love with each other.