I think the apologies are wearing thin at this point. Anyway, sorry for the wait!
I do not own anything recognisable.
For the next two days silence hung heavily in the loft. Kate's re-opened wounds were still patching themselves up and the lack of sleep wasn't exactly helpful in the pursuit. Castle was too worried about sending her spiralling again to do anything. His footsteps, both metaphorical and literal, were light.
As she crawled into, her far too cold, bed on the third night since the cemetery debacle, Kate sighed in relief as she let her emotions free. Rick was doing his best, she knew that, but in her attempts to make the whole ordeal easier on him she was beginning to find herself returning to the woman she used to be. The woman she swore she would never be again. Emotionally stunted and detached.
She just had to get past this. Past the fear of her shooting. Past the hope that she would wake up and find that she is dreaming. Past the reliance on a man who was not her husband.
Richard Castle – not her husband. The words stung, even when they were only thought. She reached a hand out to lie on the empty pillow beside her, mindlessly caressing the soft material with her fingertips in a similar manner to how she used to card her fingers through his hair.
Bringing her hands to her face, she scrubbed at her tired eyes before sinking heavily into the bed. Thankfully, her lack of sleep on previous nights was catching up with her and she could feel the tendrils of unconsciousness slowly curling up from the depths of her mind.
The session with Dr Burke, the next day, saw improvement. She was able to confront the idea of post traumatic stress and agreed to continue with exposure therapy. Upon leaving she set a time for them to re-enter her apartment in the hopes of having a more positive reaction.
She had insisted on taking the subway, despite Castle's many protests. It wouldn't be long until she had to be solely independent, so what was the harm in starting now?
She woke to the sound of laugher in the distance, a deep throaty chuckle and a lighter giggle. Stretching languidly, she sighed in contentment, relishing in the peace of the morning. Turning to her side she found a steaming mug of coffee waiting for her.
Her smile widened when she spied the bright blue sticky note. Pulling it from the side of the cup she sat up and took a large sip before reading the note.
Good morning, my amazing fiancée. I couldn't bear to alter such a beautiful sight. I still can't believe I'll get to wake up to that every morning for the rest of our, hopefully, very long lives. –your adoring fiancé xx
God she loved him. Every childish impulse and rare moments of maturity. At the glint of the ring on her finger her heart swelled. They were actually doing this. They were going to be together. Her one and done.
Rising from the bed, she attempted to balance the cup in one hand as she slipped into more fiancé's-daughter-in-the-house clothes. Upon realising the endeavour was futile, she quickly placed the steaming cup back on the bedside table.
Kate almost rolled her eyes at herself, the grin still hadn't diminished and she was joyous. There no other word for the lightness that filled her veins, a golden opiate of love. She knew it was corny and her previous self would have, no doubt, laughed but something about her life was just perfect.
As she walked to the kitchen, she observed the two people pottering around. Castle was covered in white powder and Alexis was remarkably clean. She watched as Castle flipped a pancake, laughing lightly as he overestimated the distance and the flat pancake almost hit the counter.
Upon his glancing around nervously to see if anyone had spotted his almost disastrous attempt at cooking, he spotted her. The smile was instant, broadening his face as he watched her approach and take her place at the bench.
"Hey Kate," Alexis said as she turned from the fridge, bottle of orange juice in hand. With Kate's left hand wrapped securely around the navy mug, it wasn't long before Alexis spotted the glittering gem. With a squeal she grasped Kate's hand. "Oh my god! He finally asked."
Kate laughed as Alexis wrapped her arms around her father and then bounded around the island to hug her. "I'm so happy for you guys."
"Some people need their beauty sleep darlings." Martha said as she wandered down the stairs, hair still slightly mussed and a dressing gown thrown on lazily. "Although give me a strong coffee and a full breakfast and I might forgive you."
"Gram, look!" Alexis said, holding Kate's hand up towards her grandmother.
With the usual grace of the older woman, Martha descended the stairs and began congratulating the two of them. "And how did he do it?"
"It's a long story, mother."
"Well then, Alexis cover your ears. Nothing I haven't heard before."
"Not that kind of long story." Castle said with a grimace. "It's not a just woken up and still wanting to say good morning to my beautiful fiancée story."
Kate grinned widely at the label. As he rounded the island and wrapped his arms around her waist she sighed, once again, in contentment. She only kissed him briefly, still aware of the other two people milling about the kitchen, who were attempting to give them some privacy. "Morning."
"Morning." His grin was as broad as hers. "I thought, in honour of the monumental occasion, we could go out for breakfast but Alexis vetoed that idea when I wouldn't tell her why it was important that we did. So we've got pancakes. Blueberry, chocolate chip, and boring old plain all heart shaped."
"Sounds good, fiancé." She knew he was still as in awe of the occasion as she was and would be just as happy to hear the words.
Leaning down he growled in her ear, "that sounds good."
Beckett chuckled and gave him another kiss. This was perfect. For the first time, in a very long time, she was content.
Returning to the loft was something akin to entering an abandoned building. The silence was overbearing and out of place, her eyes jumped around to check for people, and she walked as softly as possible to ensure no one was startled.
Upon hearing the soft beat of Alexis' music from upstairs she felt her shoulders relax, if only a little. The atmosphere over the past few days had been so wrong, so very far from happy and it was all her fault. She knew it wasn't solely her responsibility but the guilt still weighed heavily on her thoughts.
Maybe she could lighten the mood a little. With an idea forming in her mind, she began searching the cupboards for all she needed. She called up to Alexis to find Rick had gone to a meeting and so, she shot him a text letting him know she was cooking dinner and got to work.
At first everything went according to plan, the ingredients were all there and she knew how to work the oven. Only she couldn't find anything else. Where the saucepans were supposed to be was the Tupperware and the baking paper was nowhere to be found. She swore under her breath and settled on the floor after looking through what had to be the millionth drawer.
Footsteps sounded on the stairs and a worried looking red head peered down at her, "Kate?"
"Alexis, hey." She slowly rose from the floor, attempting to move gracefully without hurting herself was still a challenge. "I was just resting, doing a bit more searching than cooking at the moment."
Losing the slightly anxious look she kept walking down the stairs, leaning against the island with one arm full of books. "What were you looking for?"
"Baking paper."
"Third shelf from the top in the pantry," she said, pointing in the general direction.
Kate spun on her heel and found it instantly. She turned back, holding the box up with a small smile, towards the younger woman. "So what are we reading now?"
"Oh I'm just returning these to Dad's study. I had to find a novel to write about for my Stanford application and I decided none of these are strong enough."
"If you need a hand I might be able to help. It's been a few years since I last took any English course but you never know."
Alexis shuffled nervously. "Thanks, but I should be okay. I still have a collection upstairs to check over."
Kate grimaced at the tense atmosphere. This was nothing like the Alexis she remembered. "I was just making lasagne for dinner."
"Great," she murmured unenthusiastically. "Did you need a hand finding anything else or would you mind if I went back to work on this essay?"
"No, no, go ahead and finish your work. I'll call up to you if I get lost again." Kate's smile was unconvincing.
"Kate," Alexis drew out the name as she pondered her next words. "I don't want to be rude, and you don't have to tell me. But are you getting better?"
"I am." Kate moved across the room and looked her in the eye. "I promise you, I am doing everything I can to recover and your Dad has been invaluable."
As Alexis flinched away at Kate's hand on her arm, Kate stepped back. "Alexis, I'm sorry for dragging you through this too."
"I'm glad for you." Alexis smiled, slightly more believably than she had before and began making her way across to the study. "Could you call me down when dinner is ready?"
Kate nodded and moved back to her work. If she was shooting the mince a quizzical look then it must have been because she was debating if it was cooked enough. She couldn't be confused about Alexis' behaviour because she didn't know her, she reminded herself. Alexis may well be distant and, if she was honest, standoffish in real life. The fantasy world she had formed in her mind could not be counted on for the truth.
Rick's meeting went late, and she ended up overestimating the cooking time and burnt the top layer. Dinner was tense, even though all three of the others proclaimed it a wonderful dish. Kate thanked the deities for Martha, she was the only one to keep a conversation going past a few mumbled words.
She regaled them with stories of her current project, a play set in the 1800's that Kate recalled learning about at school. She told tales of the set and slowly, the three of them felt the anxiety lessen and began to laugh along with the older woman.
By the end of the dinner, each was talking normally once again. The dynamic wasn't what she remembered, of course, but it was something in itself. A sense of family that she couldn't remember, a feeling that she loved and had missed for so very long.
The happiness lasted until she headed upstairs. It wasn't as painful anymore, to be sleeping apart from him but she felt the weightlessness ebb away with each step away. She felt herself sinking heavily into the carpet and the bed, trudging along as she went through her night time rituals.
Lying in the darkness of her room, she felt the inevitable tears sliding down her cheek. She was bound by her memories, tugging at her heels. Always pulling her backwards, downstairs, back in time. She had to wonder if that was it. If she would spend the rest of her life yearning for a life not lived, yearning for what could have been.
With a pitiful sob, she vowed that it couldn't be. No matter what she had to do, her life was hers and she would recover. If there was one thing she knew for certain, she knew that she was a fighter and stubborn as anyone. She could move on, even if it broke her already fractured heart.
I feel bad for making Alexis the bad guy at the moment, what with all the arguments in the fandom. I just put this in place ages ago and now it's manifesting and I want to get it out of the way.
Thank you all for the reviews and favourites and follows! I probably would have given up long ago without the intermittent requests for a new chapter. So thank you!