AIRWZAC
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Chapter 26: Containment, episode 7: SO LONG SUCKERESAS!
***
Last time on Containment:
"I caught a flounder! Better put it in the lost and flound!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAH EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EWWWWWWWWW! GETTITOFFGETTITOFFGETTITOFFFFFFF!"
"(shrieking at half-second intervals) AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH!"
(tickety tickety tickety)
9:29 PM: NANANANANANA, NA, JELL-O! NA NA NA NA, NA NAAAAAAAAAANA, JELL-O! NANANANANA...I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE
Link: (sauntering out of bathroom) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. That was the most trancendent urination I've EVER experienced.
Zelda: Well that is simply fan-fooking-tastic.
Ruto: So, we've all finally used the bathroom.
DED: What took you? It's been five hours!
Impa: Well, we haven't been in what, two and a half days?
Mido: That, and all the GIRLS went and took FOREVER...
All girls: SHUT UP YOU STUCK-UP DICKHOLE!
Mido: I stand corrected.
MD: Well, I guess we're done for today. Ready to hit the hay?
Darunia: (beating a bale of hay with billy clubs) Waaaay ahead of you.
MD: No, I mean like hit the sack.
Ruto: (beating burlap sack with tire iron) I'm on it!
SK: OW! STOP! I'M IN THE SACK! AAAAAAAAH!
MD: No, I mean like, let's turn in!
DED: Into what? Can I be a talking ostrich again?
MD: NO! LET'S GO TO BED!
Saria: So it's like a race? To the bed and back?
MD: NO! LET'S LAY OURSELVES DOWN ON A COMFORTABLE SURFACE, SHUT OUR EYES, AND ENTER A STATE OF RELAXED UNCONSCIOUSNESS IN ORDER TO REST THE BODY FROM PERVIOUS EXERTIONS!
All: OOOOOOOOH!
Zelda: Why didn't you just say so?
Malon: Yeah!
MD: Sigh...
*tickety tickety tickety*
11:23 PM: MOVE IN NOW MOVE OUT! JAWS UP NOW JAWS DOWN! CHEW UP CHEW UP TELL ME WHATCHA GONNA DO NOW EAT JELL-O JELL-O JELL-O WHAT? EAT JELL-O JELL-O JELL-O...I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE
Nabooru: Eh! I can't sleep!
DED: Yeah, being held captive by an insane criminal mastermind who controls whether you live or die does that too you.
Link: In fact, no one's asleep. 'Cept Rauru.
Gannondorf: I guess he's tired out from all his eating.
Rauru: (dreaming, oozing drool) Yes...zzzzz...a whole dump truck of mashed potatoes? For me?...zzzzzz...back it up to my dinner table and I'll open my mouth...
Malon: Um...riiiiiiiiiight. (sticks cork in Rauru's mouth)
Ruto: So what should we do?
DED: Let's see...we could watch TV, but...hmm...what is on at 11:23 anyway?
MD: (checking listings) Okay. On AMC there's "Murder Most Erotic." On ABC we have "America's Nudest People." On Fox, there's the new reality series "Escape from Breast Island" and on Cartoon Network there's this bizzare thing where the Harlem Globetrotters have superpowers and solve mysteries. Oh, and on NBC there's a special report on women who wear too small bras.
DED: Great, let's watch that.
MD: EWWW? WHAT THE FFFFFFFFFH?
DED: I mean the mystery-solving Harlem Globetrotters! (Infinitely amused) Check it out! That guy has a basketball for a head! AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Skull Kid: (leaping up) I GOT AN IDEA!
Link: Does it involve decapitation?
SK: NO! ...YES. (sits back down)
DED: Wait! I got a real idea! Lets check in on Windmill Guy!
Zelda: What? Why?
DED: I dunno, maybe we could talk him out of releasing that green fog that gives you siezures at random intervals.
(green gas emits from the ceiling)
MD: Aww nuts. (collapses on floor, convulsing)
DED: Well, I'M going through with my plan. Okay, go to chanel 666...
(screen flickers and shows WG and FG with backs towards camera, talking on phone)
WG: ...yes, I know we have an outstanding debt of one schnizzleload of Rupees, but we're good for it! Okay, thank you. Buhbye. *hangs up*
FG: Well?
WG: We're in some serious *expletive deleted*
FG: Oh *expletive deleted*
WG: If we don't come up with some *expletive deleted*ing cash soon, we'll be totally *expletive deleted* *expletive deleted*!
FG: *expletive deleted*!
WG: Well, keeping those *expletive deleted*ers on that *expletive deleted* island alive isn't going to help very *expletive deleted* much.
FG: So, I guess we do the usual *expletive deleted*?
WG: Yes...yessss...and after we dispose of their bodies in the incinerator, we'll get some nice tropical drinks.
FG: Like a Wakiki *expletive deleted* with Captain Morgan Brand Spiced *expletive deleted*?
WG: YESSSSSSSS!
FG and WG: MOOOOWOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH*explativedeleted*AHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (screen goes black)
DED: *blinks*
Saria: What's going on?
DED: Umm...to put it in language a child can understand...hmm...how about WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (runs headfirst into wall)
All: SAY WHAT?
DED: THEY'RE GOING TO KILL US! FOR FINANCE REASONS!
All: *weird squishy sound as everyone blinks at once*
DED: That's bad.
All: *pause* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Impa: WHAT CAN WE DO?
Nabooru: You got to help, eh?
DED: Sure, do I use a gun or what?
Nabooru: NOT HELP IN KILLING US! HELP IN SAVING US!
DED: So, I should stab you in your sleep, right?
Nabooru: NOOOOOOOOO! SAVE US! SAVE!
DED: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Okay, we've got to figure out some way to escape. Now the way I see it is...
Darunia: (lunging at DED) NOOOOOOOOOO! (tackles DED, clamps hand over mouth)
DED: MMMMMMMMMPH! GAG! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
Darunia: DON'T SAY ANYTHING! THEY CAN HEAR US!
DED: Huh?
Darunia: If we draw plans, they can see us. If we talk about it, they can hear us. THEY KNOW EVERYTHING!
Malon: That's ridiculous!
Voice from ceiling: Yes. Ridiculous. Everyone go to bed. Fall into a catatonic, stuporous sleep where you would not wake up even if someone with a knife broke through the window. Have some warm milk.
*pause*
Darunia: SEE?
DED: Okay, okay. Whatever we do, we can't fall asleep. Okay.
MD: Okay?
DED: Okay.
Mido: So what should we do?
(pause)
All: MANDITORTY REALITY T.V. DRUNKEN WILD PARTY WHEREIN WE ALL GET PLASTERED AND TRY TO HAVE SEX BECUASE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE SO WHY THE HECK NOT??? *gasp gasp gasp gasp*
SUDDENLY, THE CREEPY CAMERAMAN GUY FLIES IN ON HIS AUTO-GYRO, BEARING A DISCO BALL! WHICH HE SHINES A FLASHLIGHT ON! AND IT'S PARTY TIME! WOOOOOOOOOOO!
Malon: (bringing in crate of "Cap'n Cirrhosis Ludicrously Fortified Wine and Windshield Wiper Fluid") I'VE GOT THE DRUNK!
Link and Zelda: WE'VE GOT THE SEX!
Mido: (cutting rope which is supporting a giant anvil hanging over everyone) I'VE GOT THE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
All: NO! STOP! WE ALREADY GOT THAT!
Mido: OKAY!
Darunia: (carrying aloft giant cedar box) I'VE GOT THE *grunt* HOT TUB!
SK: EVERYONE'S SPEAKING IN CAPITALS! I'M IN HOG HEAVEN!
(suddenly, pulsing dance music comes on, accompanied by strobe light)
ALL: HEY! SUDDENLY PULSING DANCE MUSIC COMES ON ACCOMPINIED BY STROBE LIGHT!
SK: SORRY! I JUST HAD THE STROBE LIGHT, AND THE BOOM BOX, AND I THOUGHT...
Ruto: CAN WE BE QUIET FOR A SECOND?
MD: Sure. (everything grinds to an abrupt halt)
Ruto: If you're gonna have a semi-mosh-pit-like drunken dance party, you have to do it right. Okay. Let's get some music.
Darunia: Well, I've got some bongo drums.
Saria: (suddenly wearing black pants and a black turtleneck, with a black beret and black shades) Groovy, daddy-o.
Darunia: Cool! You're a real beatnik! All I got is a chiseled pointy devil- beard-like gotee! (points to carved gotee) This rightfully belongs to you. Shine on you crazy diamond!
Saria: I dig.
Ruto: I had in mind something more riveting that Saria beating bongos and reading her poetry.
Saria: "I wander the never-yesterdays/ galloping over cosmic fields of roasted squishy pork loins/ O Elysium! totally buggered out, man/ So lather, rinse, and repeat."
Impa: Yeah. Lets not...
Nabooru: ...EH???
Impa: WHOO! (high-fives Nabooru)
Ruto: Uh huh. Like I said, let's get some real music going.
Link: THAT'S IT! (pulls out Zora guitar) I've got a guitar!
DED: NAY! (pulls out his dad's crappy black Yahama) I'VE got a guitar!
MD: NYET! (pulls out trombone) I'VE GOT A...err...trombone? NO WAIT! I GOT A GUITAR! (pulls out Gibson hollow-body)
DED: DOOD! Where did you get that? All I got is my dad's crappy black Yamaha, as previously stated!
MD: I dunno, I just reached into this extra-dimensional pocket behind my back and got it. Like this! (turns into angry anime-style person, reaches behind back, pulls out frying pan, beats DED with it)
DED: OW! SONNOFA HAMBURGER!
MD: *giggles innocently*
DED: Well. Let me try. (reaches behind back, pulls out another crappy black Yamaha) DAMMIT! (pulls out another) DAMMIT! (pulls out another) DAMMIT! (pulls out another and another and another) Awww CRAP! (there is a giant pile of crappy black Yamahas)
MD: Let me try. (reaches around behind DED's back) Oooh. Hmm. Eeew! Squishy! OW! Spikey! AAH! Moving! Here we are! (pulls out large, ugly fish)
DED: No! That's a guitarfish! OOH! IN THIS GAME THAT THEY HAD ON THE COMPUTERS AT MY SCHOOL THERE WAS THIS GAME CALLED, UM, OCEAN THINGY, UMM, ODELL DOWN UNDER, THAT'S IT, AND YOU COULD PLAY AS A GUITARFISH AND EAT STUFF BUT IT WAS BETTER IF YOU WERE A GREAT WHITE SHARK AND COULD EAT EVERYTHING!
Saria: Like Rauru!
DED: YES!
MD: Thaaaaaaaaaaaaat's...ass-stounding. Let me try again. (throws fish over shoulder)
Rauru: (sleeping) In fact...zzzzz...I'd like a nice fish sandwich...(guitarfish lands in mouth) Mmmm! Thanks...zzzzz...(inhales fish)
MD: So. Umm. Right. (reaches behind DED, pulls out slimy sewer chunk)
DED: No! That's a gutter!
MD: Okaaaaaaaay...(pulls out a scuba tank)
DED: No! That's a get-air!
MD: Huh? Whatever...(pulls out an Arabian-looking person)
DED: No! That's a resident of the nation of Qatar!
Qatar person: 'Salright.
MD: That was just plain wierd. (pulls out a large knife attached to an H- shaped handle)
DED: No! That's a katar!
MD: Okay, this is getting odd. (pulls out gourd-shaped instrument)
DED: No! That's a sitar!
MD: I'm getting closer though...(pulls out awesome Washburn accoustic)
DED: YAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Link: Well, no matter. I'm going to be playing guitar.
DED: NO! I AM!
MD: NO! I AM!
Link: ME!
DED: ME!
MD: ME!
Link: ME!
DED: ME!
MD: ME!
Link: ME!
DED: ME!
MD: ME!
Nabooru: I CALL TOP BUNK!
Link: ME!
DED: ME!
MD: ME!
Ruto: SHUT UP! YOU CAN ALL PLAY GUITAR!
DED: Okay. I'll be lead guitar. You two play back-up.
Link: No, I'M playing lead!
MD: No! ME!
Link: ME!
DED: ME!
MD: ME!
Link: ME!
DED: ME!
MD: ME!
Ruto: YOU CAN ALL BE LEAD GUITAR!
DED, MD, Link: *pause*
MD: *sheepishly* Umm...I'm...lead...number one...and DED's two...and Link's...three?
DED: NO! I'M NUMBER ONE!
Link: ME!
DED: ME!
MD: ME!
Ruto: YOU'RE ALL LEAD NUMBER ONE!
DED: Okay.
Link: Sounds good.
MD: Ehxxxelent.
Link: Actually, I can't play the guitar now because I have to go off with Zelda and do highly suggestive activities that turn out to be totally innocent after all!
Zelda: Yeah! Today's innuendo-rife game is "Lick the Creamy Goo!"
Link: Sounds good! (runs off into bedroom with Zelda, slams door)
DED: Right. I'll take the fish guitar then. (strums it, which produces an incredibly annoying screech) GAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Maaaaaybe not.
Meanwhile...
Darunia: GRUNT...SNORT...GURGLE...Where do you want the hot tub...rrrgggh...
Impa: I dunno, anywhere. Here.
Darunia: Whatever. (drops hot tub squarely on Mido)
Mido: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*WUMPH*
Ruto: Now, how to heat it?
Darunia: Something hot...THAT'S IT!
Nabooru: Woot's it, eh?
Darunia: SARIA! GET YER OCARINA!
Saria: Kay, but wh...(realizes something)...oh no...
Darunia: PLLLLAAAY THE SOOOONNNNNGG!
Saria: *sighs* Fine...(plays Saria's Song)
Darunia: WHAT A HOT BEAT! (leaps up and down, causing floor to shake and the hot tub to bounce up and down)
Mido: (under hot tub) OW...GOD...THE...PAIN...HURT...ING...MY...FACE...HELP...STOP...
Saria: (stops playing) What did you expect that to do?
Darunia: (lying on the ground gasping, twitching spasmodically) Hot...beat...hot...bea...t...h-h-h-ot...b-bea...t...*gurgle* (passes out)
Impa: I HAVE A PLAN!
Saria: Joy to the world.
Impa: We just have to heat it with fire!
Saria: Makes sense.
Nabooru: H'okayeeee, find some wood! (starts tearing bookcases and books apart and piling them around hot tub)
Ruto: Does this plan seem the least bit shortsighted? Like, we could end up setting the whole TUB on fire, seeing as how it's made of WOOD?
Impa: (merrily dousing wood with gasoline) NOPE! (throws match into wood, which bursts into flame)
Mido: (under hot tub) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Ruto: YOU IDIOTS! (douses flames with water gun) We are not savages. We have technology. (gestures to a computer)
Malon: Ahh, technology.
*A few moments later*
(Ruto is perched atop a bookcase with a computer teetering on the edge about to plummet into the hot tub)
Ruto: Ready...DROP! (shoves computer into tub)
Mido: (sitting in tub, getting hit with computer) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (computer breaks and electrocutes Mido) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHH GGAGAGGAAGGAGAGAGAGA!!!!
SFX: KKKZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!
Ruto: Okay...wait for it...wait for it...
Mido: (smoking profusely) YIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYYYIYYIIYIIIYIYIIIYIYIYIYIYIYIIYIYIYIYI...
Ruto: STOP!
(Malon removes plug from wall)
Saria: (Removing Mido's quivering body from the tub) Looks perfect!
Darunia: (waking up) EVERYONE IN THE TUB! (leaps into the tub, sending all the water flying out)
Everyone: DARUNIA!!!
Darunia: Oops.
(for some reason the water is just hovering in the air)
Ruto: Hey, did it occur to anyone that the water will still be electrified for a while after we stopped the computer from electrocuting it?
All: No...
Ruto: Then you might want to RUN NOW!!!
(everyone but Mido runs away)
Mido: Huh? (all the water lands on him, electrocuting him again)
SFX: KKKZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!
Mido: GGGGGAGGAGAGAGGGAGAGAGAGAAGGAGGAAGGAGA!
Everyone: HA HA!
Darunia: Well, now what? Haveta refill it...I'll get the little hose deely that comes out of the sink. (goes into kitchen, returns with tiny black hose thingy) Okay...(turns it on, causing a tiny trickle of water to ooze out)
Malon: Well this stinks.
WHILE THEY PONDER THAT CONFOUNDING SITUATION, OUR ATTENTION TURNS ELSEWHERE...
MD: Okay. I'll play some chords and you play a solo.
DED: Okay, but what if I change my mind?
MD: What?
DED: What if I want to play chords?
MD: JUST DO IT! I DON'T CARE!
DED: YES!
MD: Fine...(starts playing chords)
DED: WOOT! (starts playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb) RRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOCCCCCCKKKK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
MD: (stops) Waitwaitwaitwait. What are you doing?
DED: Jamming!
MD: No, you're little lambing.
DED: Umm. Okay. How about something else then?
MD: Okay. Don't screw up. (starts playing chord)
DED: (playing "Aura Lee") YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
MD: WHY ARE YOU ONLY PLAYING PUBLIC-DOMAIN CHILDREN'S SONGS?
DED: Umm...well...I...
MD: Well?
DED: ...Those are the only songs that I know from my book...
MD: So...umm...
DED: Right.
MD: Yeah...
DED: FORGET THIS! I'M HOT-TUBBING!
MD: Whatever. I'll go get my bathing suit.
DED: NO WAY! WE'RE SKINNY-DIPPING!
MD: Oh good GOD no.
DED: OH YES! (rips off clothes, which are covering more identical clothes) Hey! What the...(starts ripping dozens of sets of clothes off, until there is a big mound of torn-up clothes at his side) Oh, right! This thing's rated PEE-GEE-THIRT-HEEN! So! Lets...goooooooooooo! (grabs MD by the arm, creates a magical rainbow and jumps onto it, sliding about five feet and landing in front of the empty hot tub)
MD: Umm...right.
DED: What's going on?
Darunia: (still oozing water) Umm. Trying to fill tub.
Ruto: Oh for crying out loud. Wait here. (runs off)
Malon: Huh?
DED: Whatever.
Mido: Say, has anyone been keeping an eye on Link and Zelda? So to speak.
Impa: Say...you're right.
Link: (from other room) YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAH! LICK IT! LICK IT GOOOOD! UHN! LICK! LICK IT ALL!
Zelda: MMMMMMMMMMMPPHHHH! Mmmmmm...It's so creamy! Mmmmmmm...
Link: Mmmm...yeah...now...swallow it. Swallow it all...
Zelda: (gulping noises) Mmmmmmm...oh yeah...it tastes soooo gooooood...
Nabooru: Oh God.
DED: (smashing down door) PLEASE! THIS IS A FAMILY FANFICTION!
Link: (sitting at a table across from Zelda) Huh?
Zelda: (face-down in plate of Cool-Whip) Hhhhmmmmmph? What's going on?
DED: YOU FILTHY DEGENERATES! WHAT ARE...you...doing...?
Link: We're playing a wholesome game of "Lick the Creamy Goo!"
Zelda: (face covered with Cool Whip, licking it off) That is, we hide a Skittles in a blob of Cool Whip and then find it without using our hands! See? (sticks out tongue, with a Skittle on it)
Link: Yay! Now for the sprint round! Got your stopwatch?
Zelda: Yep! (takes out stopwatch) Readdddddyyyyy...GO!
Link: (burying head in plate of Cool Whip) Mmmmmmmmph!
Zelda: Mmmm...oh yesssss Link...that's the spot...right there...mmmmmmmm...lick it...oooohhh...aaaaaaaahhhhh...
DED: I'm going to quietly close the door and forget I saw this. (backs slowly out of room)
Ruto: (looking like a huge blob, trying to wedge through the door) HI!
Everyone: AAAAAAAAHHHH!
Saria: The HELL?
Ruto: (speaking in watery, deep voice) I WENT INTO THE OCEAN AND SOAKED UP SOME WATER! NOW...(oozes toward hot tub, opens mouth, sprays out water) GARGELELLGARGARLGARRRGLLELELE...(slowly deflating)
MD: That is truly horrifying.
Ruto: GURGLYGURGLE...phew! Done! No, wait...(coughs up sea cucumber) GHWARK! GACK!
DED: Um. Riiiiight. Well, the tub's full.
Impa: (dipping hand in, which is attacked by a stingray) AAAH! Well, the water's warm...and angry.
Ruto: Want me to filter it?
Mido: Umm, no. That's quite all right.
Ruto: Whatever you say! (jumps into tub, starts absorbing the water, swells to enormous size) NOW THEN! (shoves a Hepa filter into mouth, starts spewing water) GARGLEDYGARGLEGARGLEGARGLEGURGLEGARUGLE...Okay...(starts regurgitating sea life) HRUUUGGGGAARK GAAK GAAAAARRRRRK HWAAAAARRRRKKKK GGGGAARRRKKK...
Gannondorf: Ruto! You ate a whole ecosystem!
Rauru: (sleepwalking in his smelly, holey tightey-whities) Eat a whole ecosystem? Don't mind if I do! (swallows everything)
::long pause::
DED: I'm...sorry you had to see that.
Ruto: Well, I'm ready for HOT TUB ACTION! Right after this. HWARRRRRRAAAAGGGGGGNNNNGGGG! (expels a whole brain coral)
Malon: I don't know how comfortable I am with swimming in stuff that's been processed through a friend's body, but...WHAT THE HELL! (Rips off clothes, only to find that there's just underwear beneath them) EEEK! I thought I dressed in layers today! Oh, wait. (rips off underwear to find bathing suit underneath) HA! I knew it.
Mido: MY TURN! (rips off clothes, revealing business suit underneath) Huh? I don't remember this being here...(rips off clothes again, revealing pirate outfit, complete with parrot) WHAT THE FFF? (starts ripping violently through clothes, revealing a clown suit, a space suit, an old- fashioned diving bell outfit, seventies-era roller-disco outfit with afro wig, and hockey goalie outfit) GASP GASP GASP...WHERE...IS...IT?
Saria: (holds up Mido's bathing suit) See, you didn't actually put it ON...that might have helped...
Mido: YES! I, the great Mido, have singlehandedly solved the Mystery of the Phantom Swimming Trunks! Ooooooooooo! Aaaaaaaaaah!
Saria: Whaaaatever. (flings Mido's trunks at his head)
Gannondorf: (suddenly glowing with dark power, as "Night on Bald Mountain" plays in the background) ENOUGH! PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR THE AWESOME POWER OF...MY BATHING SUIT!
Soundtrack: BAAAAAAAAAUUUM BAAAAUUUMMM, BUM BUM BUM BAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUM, BA BUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...
Gannondorf: (tears off clothes) AH HAAAAAAAAaaaaa? (is wearing a corset and red-heart-covered boxer shorts)
Soundtrack: (sound of record abruptly stopping)
MD: Hey! There's my record player! (flips record over)
Soundtrack: (plays the sound of a foghorn going "WAA-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!")
Gannondorf: Well that didn't work. (shuffles off, shamed)
Darunia: MY TURN! (rips off skin, revealing various muscles and organs and bones) Whoa!
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAH!
Darunia: THAT was unexpected. (Zips skin back on)
Impa: And now, for the moment you've all been waiting for!
Saira: (plays drum roll with bongo drums)
Impa: Da, deedeedadadadada, deedeedadadadadadaDAAA, deedee dadeedeedadeedeeDAAAA, dedadeedeedadeedeedadeedeeDAAAA, dee lupetylupetylupetylupetylupetyLAAA, DEET DUPETY DUPETY DAAA, DEET DA DADADADDADADADADADADDADADADADADADADA, DAA DA DA, DA, DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (reveals the exact same bathing suit from the first chapter of WZCDWTFT. It's black. Just black.)
Gannondorf: Umm. It's...umm...nice. And black. Nice and black.
Impa: (teary-eyed) *sniffle* Isn't it though?
Ruto: What is so great about that stupid swimsuit?
Impa: (about to cry with sentimental love and nostalgia) It's not just a swimsuit...it's...a _black_ swimsuit!
Mido: Whaaaaaaatever.
DED: Now! For MY bathing suit! (tears off clothes to reveal Bermuda shorts with words "I don't suffer from psychotic episodes, I love every minute of 'em" printed on them)
MD: And MY BATHING SUIT! (tears off clothes to reveal suit with words "Clinically insane and it feels so good" printed on it)
Saria: And MY BATHING SUIT! (reveals adorable green kid's suit)
Nabooru: AND MY BATHING SUIT! (reveals giant inflatable bathing suit) AND it matches my pants!
Gannondorf: AND MY BATHING SUIT! FOR REAL THIS TIME! (reveals horrifying black Speedo)
Everyone: GAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! MY EYES!
Rauru: (waking up) HEY! YOU TOOK MY FASHION STATEMENT! (reveals own black Speedo, which is practically invisible underneath roll after roll of flab)
Everyone: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Saria: NO MORE! STOP THE HORROR! (grabs pair of red-hot knitting needles, prepares to jab through eyes)
Zelda: (bursting out of room, with whipped topping all over her face like she has rabies) WAIT! It's not all bad and/or nauseating being able to see! Think of all the wonderful things that you've yet to see!
Link: (bursting out of room, equally covered with Cool-Whip) LIKE...MY BATHING SUIT! (rips off clothes to reveal green Triforce trunks)
All girls: WHOA!
Link: YES! CHECK OUT THIS BODY! (flexes)
All girls: NO! YOU'VE GOT ABOUT A FOOT OF ARMPIT HAIR!
Link: Wha? Oh, yeah. (looks at giant tufts of yellow hair) Well...(takes out miniature Weed-Whacker, hacks through hair) TADAAAAAAA!
Saria: Yep, that's it, I'm gouging my eyes out...(raises needles)
Zelda: But you haven't seen...MY BATHING SUIT! (reveals incredibly slutty- looking thong bikini with Fredrick's of Hollywood tag on it) Gaah! Where did THIS come from?
Link: (whistling nonchalantly, throwing catalogue over shoulder) Umm...it was Mido. Go kill Mido.
Zelda: RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! (chases Mido around in circles)
Mido: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Link: Exxxxxxhelent.
Impa: But WAIT! I got myself a NEW bathing suit! CHECKKIT OWT! (tears off metal clothing to reveal metal bathing suit) Hope it doesn't rust....
SK: AND MY BATHING SOOT! DOOD! LOOK! AT OOL THE OOO'S! (reveals Majora's Mask butt bathing suit.)
Darunia: Well, that's everyone. IN THE TUB! WOOOOOOOO!!! (is about to cannonball)
Everyone: (glares at Darunia)
Darunia: (freezes in midair) Umm...oh, sorry...(starts moving in reverse) !!!OOOOOOOOW !BUT EHT NI .enoyreve s'that ,lleW (lands back where he was standing)
(long pause)
SK: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THAT HAPPENED, BUT I'VE JUST STOPPED CARING AT THIS POINT!
(everyone gets in the hot tub!)
DED: AND THE PLOT LURCHES ONWARD!
Saria: Rub a dub dub! 3 men in the tub! A butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker! Then they....alldiedandeveryonewashappytheend!
MD: Okay Darunia, NOW you can get in the tub...just be careful!
Darunia: Okay...careful....CAREful....CAREFUL!!! (shrieking at top of lungs) CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUULLLLLLLLLLL!
Everyone: SHUT UP!
Darunia: Okay. I'm ready. Stay...calm...stay...frosty...(dips toe in a tiny amount)
(massive explosion)
SFK: KRAKATHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
(stock footage of Bikini Atoll atomic testing, Hiroshima, picture of God smiting Sodom and Gomorrah with divine fire, Hurricane Andrew anhiliating South Florida, etc.)
(water goes EVERYWHERE)
All: DARUNIA WHAT DID YOU DOOOOOOOOOOO?
Darunia: Um.....It wasn't me.
DED: Then who was it????????
Darunia: Ummm...it was...swamp gas. Yes. Swamp gas.
DED: What...?
Darunia: Did I say swamp gas? I meant that it was weather balloon.
DED: Ah screw it.
MD: NOW what do we do?
DED: Twister party?
Link and Zelda: Erotic Twister party?
Malon: No and...no.
Darunia: Don't you two do that enough already?
Link: Yes...
Darunia: Well, too much of a good thing always leaves one wanting less I always find...
Zelda: How about a very, VERY good thing?
Darunia: Well...
DED: (ahems) ANYWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY......
Mido: Look! The sun's coming up!
Saria: We made it! We're not dead! (jumps up into the air, thereby avoiding a giant axe that was about to chop her legs off at the knee)
Ruto: WHOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOGWRAAGGGGGG! (hocks up a flounder)
::excruciating pause::
Rauru: MMMMMmmmmmMMMmmmMMM! FLOUNDER!
MD: Well, now I suppose that we'll have to find some way off the island.
Mysterious ceiling voice: A way off? Great idea. Perhaps you could concentrate on the project better if you took one of these gensing pills. Great for concentration... (mechanical hand comes out of ceiling, tries to shove pill into MD's mouth)
MD: AH! THE HOUSE IS TRYING TO KILL ME!
MCV: Or, I could cover a knife in gensing and stab you with it...would you prefer that? HUH BITCH? HUH?
Impa: (beats hand with baseball bat) DIE FIEND!
All: WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
DED: Umm...anyway...I believe that...
Nabooru: Your heart will go on?
DED: Yes, that, but also that we should get to figuring out how to escape from this deathtrap.
All: HERE HERE!
DED: Now the way I see it is...
SUDDENLY, THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY SMASHES THROUGH THE ROOF ON HIS AUTO-GYRO!
All: CEE-CEE-GEE! YOU'VE COME AGAIN!
THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY PRESSES A BUTTON ON HIS AUTO-GYRO! AND IT EXPANDS INTO A HUGE 747!
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! (run from the expanding 747)
SFX: KKKRRRAKKKK TINKLETINKLETINKLE! (house collapses)
Gannondorf: (poking his head out of the rubble) WE'RE SAVED!
AND SO, THE JOYFUL THRONG BOARDS THE PLANE! WHICH THEN TAKES OFF, WITH THE C-C-G AT THE HELM!
Okay, it's a deux-ex, I know. It's late. I'm tired.
ANYHOO!
Malon: (looking back on the island) Goodbye, island!
Rauru: SO LONG, ISLAND! SO LONG, HIPPOS! Sweet, delicious hippos...*sniffle*
Saria: Goodbye, island that we have left thereby forfeiting our chance to get a schnizzle-load of Rupees! Wait...
::pause::
All: DOH!
MD: Oh well. Better alive and poor than rich and dead.
Malon: (banging on the door) NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO! BETTER DEAD AND RICH! LET ME OFFFFFFFFF!
Everyone: (forcibly restrains Malon)
*tickety tickety tickety*
12:22 A.M.: WEEEEEEEEEE EAT THE JELL-O, MAH FRIEEEENDS, AND WEEEEEEEEEEEEE'LL KEEP ON EATING, 'TILL THE END, AH WE EAT THE JELL-O, WWWWEEEEEEEE EAT THE JELL-O, NO TIME FOR PUDDING CUZ WE...I MEAN, SOMEWHERE OVER THE PACIFIC OCEAN
All: (Singing to the tune of "In Cars") Here on the plane, I feel safest of all, Cuz the cam-er-a guy, is the one who will drive, in planes!
Synthesizer: WEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOO-WWEEEEOOOOWWW!
Malon: Here on the plane...
Rauru: I can eat airline food...
Link: And the flight a-ttend-ant...
Ruto: Is the cameraman dude!
All: In planes!
MD: (yelling over synth music) ANNNNNNNNNND THATS THE END OF THAT.
(everything abruptly stops)
*pause*
Mido: Well.
Impa: Hey look! We're over land again!
All: HURRAY! WE'RE GONNA LIVE!
DED: But I have just one question. Who is the Creepy Cameraman Guy?
MD: And why did he help us?
SUDDENLY! THE C-C-G BURSTS OUT OF THE CABIN! AND LAUGHS MANIACALLY!
Soundtrack: *evil theme music*
DED: WAIT!
Everyone: OKAY!
DED: The Creepy Camera Guy is, as it always has been.....................(rips off CCG's mask)
All: GHASP! IT CAN'T BE!
Before anyone gets a good look at the true nature of the CCG, THE LIGHTS GO OUT! SUDDENLY!
Mysterious voice: To protect the world from order and reason!
Other mysterious voice: To provide insanity for every season!
Mysterious voice: To annoy our captives every chance we find!
Other mysterious voice: To infect with madness your very mind!
WG: (suddenly appearing in spotlight) Windmill Guy!
FG: (suddenly appearing in spotlight) Fishing Guy!
WG: TEAM FISH-MILL, BLAST OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT!
FG: SURRENDER YOUR SANITY, CUZ REALITY BITES!
Gryorg: (falling out from an overhead storage compartment) Gryorg! Indubidably!
Fierce Deity Link: (wandering out of lavatory, zipping up fly) Howdy! Did I miss something?
All: IT'S WINDMILL GUY AND FISHING GUY!
WG: Yes, we sort of covered that already.
FG: ARRR! AND NOW YE'LL BE WALKIN' THE PLANK!
Gryorg: Indubitably!
DED: But why were you helping us, as the Creepy Etcetera?
FG: ARRRRRR! RATINGS, YE SCURVY DOG!
WG: Sure, we could have killed you in five minutes! But that wouldn't have drawn millions of viewers, would it? WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
FG: YE BE THE HIGHEST-RATIN' SHOW ON TV! MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
All: WHAT?!?
Zelda: Hey! You specifically said that there WOULDN'T be hidden TV cameras watching us!
DED: Err...umm...I am not a crook?
Zelda: Look! I'll prove it! (grabs Dave's laptop, opens file called "rwars19.doc" and finds part of it) See? Right here! AND I QUOTE! "MD: Uhh...let's keep this our little secret, 'k? DED: Deal! MD: *to Zelda characters* Guess what everyone! DED: We're on the show! MD: And it'll be totally safe! DED: And no hidden cameras everywhere! MD: And its all gonna be fun! DED: And TV Guide isn't out of "Hots!" MD: *smack* DED Owie..."
DED: Well...ummm...
MD: WE HONESTLY THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER FIND OUT!
Link: So... TV Guide IS out of "Hots?" *sob* I TRUSTED YOU! I THOUGHT THAT MEANT SOMETHING! I GAVE THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE TO YOU!
Zelda: *engrossed in contents of Dave's laptop* The HELL? There's all KINDS of crazy crap in here! (starts reading previous chapters)
FG: KNOCK THAT OFF! WE BE TRYIN' TE THREATEN YE! (smacks laptop away) SO NOW WE'LL BE A-KILLIN' YE FOR YOU! No, wait, I mean WE'LL BE A-KILLIN' YE FOR US! No, WE'LL BE...A-KILLIN'...YE...FOR...WE? ANYWAY! YE'RE NO USE TO US NOW, YE LUBBERS! WHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ARRRRR!
WG: Okay, now, even I'M annoyed by the pirate accent.
FG: (now speaking with a thick Liverpool accent) Oh all right...anyway, time to die, chaps!
WG: WOW! IT'S RINGO STARR ALL OF A SUDDEN! Nice try. Knock it off.
FG: (speaking with an Irish accent) O aye! Shell we be a'killin'em now sir?
WG: OH JUST SPEAK NORMALLY!
FG: (speaking with southern accent) Whalp, I rek'n 'tis time te take yew out!
WG: NORMAL!
FG: Whalsir, this is norma. Yew jez doan' know't nohaow...
WG: Ahh screw it, just go back to the pirate accent.
FG: (suddenly back in pirate accent) SHIVER ME TIMBERS ME HARTIES! YO HO YO HO! (whips out accordion, starts dancing a jig while playing) WHAT DO YA DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILOR WHAT DO YA DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILOR WHAT DO YA DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILOR EARLYE IN THA MOR'NIN!
WG: JUST THE ACCENT!
FG: No, I'm serious, what DO ya do with a drunken sailor earlye in tha mor'nin?
WG: Umm...shove him overboard? Take an embarassing snapshot?
Gryorg: I believe the next verse says that you "put him in the brig with food and water," old chum.
FG: ARRR! But why would you waste perfectly good food and water to feed a drunk guy?
WG: Well, if you just killed him, he couldn't help anymore, could he?
Dark Link: Maybe they meant you should put him in the brig with food and water AFTER he's not drunk. Like, as a punishment.
FG: Well it wouldn't be much of a punishment if he had food and water!
Dark Link: Look, I don't know, I'm just saying...
MEANWHILE, THE GANG HAS GONE TO THE CARGO HOLD AND GOTTEN ALL THEIR STUFF!
DED: SHUT UP!
WG: What?
DED: We're sending you packing!
Everyone: (steps forward)
Link: (brandishing his pink bunny slippers) TASTE MY FUZZY FURY!
Zelda: (whipping out her fan) Hey! I'm like Peach in Super Mario RPG where she hits people with a fan!
SK: (wielding strobe light as impromtu mace) DISCO INFERNO!
Malon: (slipping on her brass knuckles) I'll make ya an offer ya can't refuse!
Impa: (holding her whistle as a garotte wire) I'M GONNA GARROTE YOU GOOD!
Nabooru: (holding up fan of cards with Canadian maple leaf on the back) Double or nothing, eh?
Rauru: (holding up his spork, with wind blowing around him) I HAVE THE POWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR! (lightning strikes the tip of the spork, transforming Rauru into He-Man, with Rauru's beard, spork grows to the size of a bastard sword)
Saria: (spinning twine ball around) PREPARE TO BE ENSNARED!
Mido: (whirling his yo-yo around) IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN!
Ruto: (cocking her water gun) LETS GET WET!
Darunia: (hefting new rock bicycle) VERSION 2.0, BETTER THAN EVER!
Gannondorf: (plugging in dehumidifier) SEE YOU IN HELL, HUMIDITY!
DED and MD: (jumping into the air, hi-fiveing, landing) AUTHORS UNITE! (glow with magic power)
FG: So! It's a battle ye want, eh? SO BE IT!
WG: TASTE INSANITY'S POWER!
Gryorg: Indubitably!
FDL: Umm...OTHER WORDS TO THAT EFFECT!
*screen distorts, peppy Pokemon-battle music plays, screen comes back into focus*
Soundtrack: DUN DUN DUN DUHDUH DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DEEEE DEEEEEE, DADADADADA DEEEEEEEDUNDUNDUN...
EVERYONE'S JUST STANDING AROUND, RPG-STYLE!!!!
Link: Should would be doing something?
DED: (whispers) It's your turn!
Link: Okay...I USE...MAGIC BUNNY SLIPPERS STRIKE!!! *jumps up in the air, throws bunny slippers like shirukens) YAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
(Bunny slippers hit Gyrorg in the head)
Gryorg: Okay.....what was that?
Link: *cheerfuly* The Magic Bunny Slippers Strike! *gives thumbs up*
DED: CLEARLY, you've never played an RPG.
Rauru: STAND ASIDE! (holding spork aloft, eyes closed contemplatively) Oh masters of the spork, I CALL UPON YOU! SPORK, DON'T FAIL ME NOW! SWARM OF SPORKS! (big spork splinters into dozens of smallish sporks, which fly at WG)
WG: (getting poked by plastic sporks) Ow. Ow. Ow. OW! CUT THAT OUT! OW!
Rauru: HE IS WEAKENED!
Ruto: Take this! (sprays water at Gryorg)
Gryorg: Okay. I'm...wet now. I LIVE IN WATER YOU FOOL!
Ruto: A LIKELY story...
Mido: (spinning yo-yo above head) I will defeat you! And then all will love me! THEY'LL HAVE TO LOVE ME! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
Link: That is truly pathetic.
Mido: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!!!! (throws yo-yo)
FG: (gets hit in the head with yo-yo)
SFX: BONK!
FG: OOOOOOOOOOWWWW!! That really REALLY hurt! What is the matter with you?! That's a hard, plastic yo-yo! (turns to WG) Who weilds a yo-yo? For crying out loud! (grabs yo-yo) Give me that!
Mido: (being pulled along by finger still attached to yo-yo) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!
Link: Yeah, great, if we didn't love you before we're REALLY going to love you now.
Mido: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!! IT HUUUUUUUUUURTS!!! (finger turning blue) OOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!
Link: Like that's going to garner lots of affection.
Impa: This group is falling apart! I KNOW!!! I'll lift everyone's spirits with a cheerful minstrel's song!
MD: So what, you're a troubadour now?
Impa: Noooo...
MD: Do you have a musical instrument?
Impa: Noooo...
MD: THEN WHAT DO YOU HAVE???
Impa: A whistle!! TWEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!! TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!
WG: All right, enough of this crap, TIME TO DIE! Gryorg! KILL!!!
Gryorg: (grows to twenty feet tall) RAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!! (eats Ganondorf)
Ganondorf: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-MRRUMPHUMNPH!!!
Gryorg: Now, for the rest of you.....
*tickety tickety tickety*
12:43 AM, INSIDE GRYORG'S STOMACH. WONDER IF THERE'S JELL-O IN HERE?
Ganondorf: Egads! Never thought I'd die this way...*sob*
Mysterious Voice: You do not die in here....
Ganondorf: WHO'S THERE???
MV: It is....
Ganondorf: NOT -
MV: Yes, it is I...(candle goes on) THE THIGH-SLAPPING BUG DUDE!!!
Ganondorf: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Thigh-Slapping Bug Dude: (he has a really long beard and ultra-long fingernails) I have been in here for twenty years...
Ganondorf: (noticing long fingernails) Ew.
Another Mysterious Voice: Oh, the gastric juices are so romantic.
Yet Another Mysterious Voice: The juices are dissolving my feet.
AMV: Oh, I love you so much, buttercup.
YAMV: I love you too, shnookums.
Ganondorf: Why, it's...(yet another candle goes on) HONEY AND DARLING!!
Honey & Darling: (dancing in a puddle of gastric juices) Hello!
TSBD: Yes, they too have been in here for a long time....
Creepy Ghost Voice: Gaaaaaaaaaaanondoooooooooorf...
Ganondorf: (sounding panicked) Okay, I'm getting THOROUGHLY creeped out now!
CGV: Dooooooon't be afraaaaaaaaaaaaid...It is I.....(YET ANOTHER candle goes on)
Ganondorf: OH NO! IT'S...wait a minute. I've never met you before.
Poe Guy: I am the guy who buys Poes. From Link. I live just outside of Hyrule Market Town. HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF ME?
Ganondorf: Uh, no.
Small, childlike voice, with strange faint British accent: But you surely remember me...don't you.....?
Ganondorf: AHHH! WHAT? WHO? WHERE?
(What looks like Ganondorf as a ten-year-old appears. He is wearing dorky suspenders and carrying a stack of books attached to a belt, with thick glasses and curly red hair...)
Ganondorf: (shrieking effeminitely) WHAT IS THAT? It almost looks like...me...
Lil' Ganondorf: I am you...I'm your...inner child...
Ganondorf: Wh...what are you? This can't be real!
Lil' Ganondorf: Of course it's not....I'm just a hallucination brought on by the lack of air...
TSBD: THAT'S your inner child? WHAT A DORK!
Ganondorf: (desperately angry) NO! NO! THE DORKY ME IS DEAD! I WAS NEVER THAT DORKY!
Lil' Ganondorf: But...you were...don't you remember?...
Ganondorf: NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Flashback sound: Doodely doodely doodely...
*FLASHBACK*
(Ganondorf as a young child. He is wearing dorky suspenders and carrying a stack of books attached to a belt, with thick glasses and curly red hair)
Ganondorf: (merrily skipping to school) La la la la la la! I had four apples. Then I ate one. Now I only have three!
Gerudo #1: Hey, GanonDORK, get a life!
Ganondorf: Why are you so mean?
Gerudo #2: (shoves Ganondorf) Cause you're so stupid!
Ganondorf: Stop it! I'll tell my dad!
Gerudo: #3: You don't have a dad!
Ganondorf: Gasp! You're right! (starts crying) Waaaaaaaaaaaah!
All the Gerudos: (point and laugh) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*END FLASHBACK*
Ganondorf: Noooooooooo!! The horrible memories! Why are you doing this!?
Lil' Ganondorf: You must help...save these people...save us...
Ganondorf: I...I...I don't know if I can do it!
Lil' Ganondorf: But...you must...
Ganondorf: I CAN'T DO IT!!!
Lil' Ganondorf: (suddenly very angry) Hey, look pal, you're gonna save us and YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT!
Ganondorf: Okay, okay...sheesh! (suddenly dramatic) I'll do it! I'll save you all! All you thigh-slapping, circuitously-dancing, figment of imagination-ing freaks! YOU DESERVE TO LIVE!!! But how....HOW? Wait! That's it! I KNOW JUST WAHT TO DO!
*tickety tickety tickety*
12:50 AM FLYING THE JELLO-Y SKIES. I MEAN, BACK ON THE AIRPLANE, OUTSIDE OF GRYORG'S STOMACH
Impa: Oh no! GANONDORF JUST GOT EATEN!!
Link: (sarcastically) Oh no. I'm so sad. Boo hoo.
Nabooru: I have mixed feeling about this. I feel pity for him, but I also feel.joy. Mostly joy.
Gryorg: NOW I WILL EAT ALL..of.you?
DED: Huh?
Gryorg: I don't feel so good.
WG: WHAT? GO! EAT! KILL! CRUSH!
Gryorg: Feeling.kinda.DRY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IT'S MY ONLY WEAKNESS.
All: NO! NOT THE.
Gryorg: YES! THE.(starts shriveling up)
Ganondorf: (triumphantly stepping out of Gryorg's mouth, with the dehumidifier) .DEHUMIDIFIER!
SFX: (triumphant music)
Ganondorf: I TOLD YOU WE'D NEED IT!
Malon: Well.umm.maybe.
FG: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ME CATCH OF THE DAY! (runs over to Gryorg, who looks like a sardine by now) WHY? WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY?
WG: KNOCK IT OFF! One down.but they're still no match! FEEL THE MADNESS! (starts playing Song of Storms)
SFX: Doo doo DEEE! Doo doo DEE! DOO-DEE-DOO-DEE-DOODOODOO!
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! (clutch heads)
Link: (yelling to be heard over music) Icy. clutch. of. madness. gripping. me. taking. over. mind.
Zelda: With. you. that's. not. much. of. an. accomplishment.
Saria: So. hard. to. think. or. speak. with. articles.
(Lightning strikes)
SFX: CREEEKOW!!
FG: You idiot! Don't start a storm! WE'RE IN A PLANE!
(plane starts to rock back and forth)
All: AAAAAAAAAAAHHH! (Everyone falls over, except for Rauru, who's been wedged between the seats)
Rauru: Flab, don't fail me now!
(The plane goes into a tailspin)
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WE'RE GONNA DIE! AGAIN!
WG: Oops.
FDL: DO SOMETHING!
WG: (wets himself)
FDL: SOMETHING BETTER!
FG: (Putting Gryorg, now a tiny little fish, into a bottle) We'll be back, ye scurvy dogs! Back! BACK I SAY! (opens door, prepares to jump out of plane) AND WE'LL HAUNT YOUR LIVES FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND (plane hits the ground)
SFX: (huge explosion) BABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!
(fade to black)
*tickety tickety tickety*
9:00 AM, LOCATION UNKNOWN
SFX: (music from the Sacred Realm plays)
Link: (groggily) .are we dead? (gets up and looks around) We're all on a beach. Must've washed up on shore. Is this the mainland? (goes over Zelda's unconscious form) Hey, wake up! We made it back to the mainland!
Zelda: Eeeeeergh.are we dead?
Link: I already asked that, and no one seemed to answer.so I'm guessing no.
Zelda: (gets up) Well, we made it! Looks like we're all here! There's Impa, Saria, Ganondorf, Mido.hey, where's Rauru? And DED? And MD? And Darunia?
Link: (sadly) I guess they didn't make it.
Zelda: Wait...what about.the guy who's writing what time it is, and where we are?
*tickety tickety tickety* 9:01 AM: YES? I'M STILL HERE.AND I STILL LOVE JELL-O!
Zelda: DAMMIT! I mean, hurray.
Saria: Wait! There's Darunia!
Darunia: (walking out of the sea) WHAT? WHERE? Oh, _here_ I am!
Ganondorf: But where are the authors? And the Butterball-brand turkey? I mean the venerable sage?
Impa: Yeah! We can't have a story without authors! _Or_ turkeys!
Nabooru: So.they must be around here somewhere.
Link: (looking out over the horizon) WHOA! WHAT IS THAT?
Zelda: It looks like a giant whale! No wait! Worse! It's.
All: RAURU!
Rauru (faintly from the distance): Mmmmm! Krill!
Malon: No, maybe it is a whale. Zelda: Maybe.it's both.
DED: (calling from somewhere) AHOY!
MD: (calling from somewhere) AVAST!
Link: WHERE ARE YOU?
DED: WE'RE ON RAURU!
Rauru: You ARE? I didn't notice. (Rauru washes up on shore)
Ruto: Oh! That's right! Rauru is amazingly buoyant!
Rauru: Hey! In case of emergency, _I_ can be used as a flotation device! AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I crack myself up.
DED: (jumping joyfully off Rauru's gut) AH! Solid ground!
MD: (bouncing off, like a trampoline) Instead of squishy belly.
Rauru: Hey! I saved your lives!
Mido: How long were you guys afloat on Rauru?
DED: Hours.days.weeks.I don't know.I just.don't know anymore.
MD: The stench of Rauru's armpits kept us awake every night.SEE? (points to bloodshot eyes)
Rauru: A couple sharks tried to eat me.but one of them got a blocked artery after biting me, the rest backed off.
Darunia: Trying to watch their cholesterol, I guess.
SK: SO WHERE ARE WE?
DED: I don't know.I think we're on the mainland.
MD: Wherever we are, I'm just glad we're off that horrid island.for.ever.(gaze turns to the ruins of the very house they had just left)
::long, long pause::
All: DOH!
SUDDENLY!
(the Great Fairy's song starts playing)
Link: Huh?
Navi: (flying down from the heavens) HIYA!
All: WHAT..THE CRAP.
Navi: Dave! Come foreward!
DED: What do you want, o annoying one?
Navi: First of all.DROP THAT BOTTLE!
DED: (with empty bottle behind back) Shoot! I though I had you this time! (flings bottle away)
Navi: Dave! You could have gone home any time you wanted to! Just slap two ping-pong paddles with steaks attached to them three times, and repeat, "There's no place like home!"
DED: HEY! COOL! Okay, let me try.(MD hands him two meat-slammers) Right! (starts hitting meat together) There's no place like.
Rauru: (eats the meat)
ALL: RAURU!
Rauru: Mmmmmm.uncooked angus.
DED: Okay.let me try AGAIN! (gets more meat, starts slamming) "There's no place like hone." No wait, "There's more place like home." Hold it. "There's no place like Taco Bell."
Rauru: DAMN STRAIGHT!
DED: SHUT UP! "There's plenty of places like home." No, it was, "There's.um.no place like.gnomes?"
All: "THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME! HOME!"
DED: Okay! I remember now! "THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!"
DOODELYDOODELYDOODELYDEEEE! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
(everyone wakes up in a big-ass bed in Hyrule Castle)
MD: IT WORKED!
Zelda: WE'RE HOME!
Ruto: HUZZAH!
Ganondorf: YIPPIE!
SK: HAL-AY-LOO-YUH!
Mido: Wait! Why.are we all in one giant bed?
::pause::
Everyone: SHUT UP!
DED: Oooohhh.I've been to a magical place.(starts pointing to people) And you were there.and you were there.and you.
Zelda: Of course we were there! You were there! We were stuck on an island! Contest.evil maniacs.
DED: Oh yeah. Whatever happened to them?
MD: Well, like in every action movie there is, they NEVER EVER show the charred, mangled bodies of the villains, but we can ASSUME, barring the possibility of a sequel, that they're gone forever.
::pause::
Impa: So.
Malon: What should we do now?
Link: I dunno.wanna watch T.V.?
Everyone: (general agreement) (everyone shuffles off to the giant couch)
AND SO, IT HAS COME FULL CIRCLE. AND AS THEY DID MONTHS AGO, AND AS THEY DID WHEN A YOUNG GAL NAMED MISTY DECIDED SHE WAS BORED AND MADE THEM EXIST, AND AS THEY WILL DO, NOW AND FOREVER.
Everyone's sitting around.
THE END
***
Chapter 26: Containment, episode 7: SO LONG SUCKERESAS!
***
Last time on Containment:
"I caught a flounder! Better put it in the lost and flound!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAH EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EWWWWWWWWW! GETTITOFFGETTITOFFGETTITOFFFFFFF!"
"(shrieking at half-second intervals) AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH!"
(tickety tickety tickety)
9:29 PM: NANANANANANA, NA, JELL-O! NA NA NA NA, NA NAAAAAAAAAANA, JELL-O! NANANANANA...I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE
Link: (sauntering out of bathroom) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. That was the most trancendent urination I've EVER experienced.
Zelda: Well that is simply fan-fooking-tastic.
Ruto: So, we've all finally used the bathroom.
DED: What took you? It's been five hours!
Impa: Well, we haven't been in what, two and a half days?
Mido: That, and all the GIRLS went and took FOREVER...
All girls: SHUT UP YOU STUCK-UP DICKHOLE!
Mido: I stand corrected.
MD: Well, I guess we're done for today. Ready to hit the hay?
Darunia: (beating a bale of hay with billy clubs) Waaaay ahead of you.
MD: No, I mean like hit the sack.
Ruto: (beating burlap sack with tire iron) I'm on it!
SK: OW! STOP! I'M IN THE SACK! AAAAAAAAH!
MD: No, I mean like, let's turn in!
DED: Into what? Can I be a talking ostrich again?
MD: NO! LET'S GO TO BED!
Saria: So it's like a race? To the bed and back?
MD: NO! LET'S LAY OURSELVES DOWN ON A COMFORTABLE SURFACE, SHUT OUR EYES, AND ENTER A STATE OF RELAXED UNCONSCIOUSNESS IN ORDER TO REST THE BODY FROM PERVIOUS EXERTIONS!
All: OOOOOOOOH!
Zelda: Why didn't you just say so?
Malon: Yeah!
MD: Sigh...
*tickety tickety tickety*
11:23 PM: MOVE IN NOW MOVE OUT! JAWS UP NOW JAWS DOWN! CHEW UP CHEW UP TELL ME WHATCHA GONNA DO NOW EAT JELL-O JELL-O JELL-O WHAT? EAT JELL-O JELL-O JELL-O...I MEAN, ISLAND HOUSE
Nabooru: Eh! I can't sleep!
DED: Yeah, being held captive by an insane criminal mastermind who controls whether you live or die does that too you.
Link: In fact, no one's asleep. 'Cept Rauru.
Gannondorf: I guess he's tired out from all his eating.
Rauru: (dreaming, oozing drool) Yes...zzzzz...a whole dump truck of mashed potatoes? For me?...zzzzzz...back it up to my dinner table and I'll open my mouth...
Malon: Um...riiiiiiiiiight. (sticks cork in Rauru's mouth)
Ruto: So what should we do?
DED: Let's see...we could watch TV, but...hmm...what is on at 11:23 anyway?
MD: (checking listings) Okay. On AMC there's "Murder Most Erotic." On ABC we have "America's Nudest People." On Fox, there's the new reality series "Escape from Breast Island" and on Cartoon Network there's this bizzare thing where the Harlem Globetrotters have superpowers and solve mysteries. Oh, and on NBC there's a special report on women who wear too small bras.
DED: Great, let's watch that.
MD: EWWW? WHAT THE FFFFFFFFFH?
DED: I mean the mystery-solving Harlem Globetrotters! (Infinitely amused) Check it out! That guy has a basketball for a head! AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Skull Kid: (leaping up) I GOT AN IDEA!
Link: Does it involve decapitation?
SK: NO! ...YES. (sits back down)
DED: Wait! I got a real idea! Lets check in on Windmill Guy!
Zelda: What? Why?
DED: I dunno, maybe we could talk him out of releasing that green fog that gives you siezures at random intervals.
(green gas emits from the ceiling)
MD: Aww nuts. (collapses on floor, convulsing)
DED: Well, I'M going through with my plan. Okay, go to chanel 666...
(screen flickers and shows WG and FG with backs towards camera, talking on phone)
WG: ...yes, I know we have an outstanding debt of one schnizzleload of Rupees, but we're good for it! Okay, thank you. Buhbye. *hangs up*
FG: Well?
WG: We're in some serious *expletive deleted*
FG: Oh *expletive deleted*
WG: If we don't come up with some *expletive deleted*ing cash soon, we'll be totally *expletive deleted* *expletive deleted*!
FG: *expletive deleted*!
WG: Well, keeping those *expletive deleted*ers on that *expletive deleted* island alive isn't going to help very *expletive deleted* much.
FG: So, I guess we do the usual *expletive deleted*?
WG: Yes...yessss...and after we dispose of their bodies in the incinerator, we'll get some nice tropical drinks.
FG: Like a Wakiki *expletive deleted* with Captain Morgan Brand Spiced *expletive deleted*?
WG: YESSSSSSSS!
FG and WG: MOOOOWOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH*explativedeleted*AHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (screen goes black)
DED: *blinks*
Saria: What's going on?
DED: Umm...to put it in language a child can understand...hmm...how about WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (runs headfirst into wall)
All: SAY WHAT?
DED: THEY'RE GOING TO KILL US! FOR FINANCE REASONS!
All: *weird squishy sound as everyone blinks at once*
DED: That's bad.
All: *pause* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Impa: WHAT CAN WE DO?
Nabooru: You got to help, eh?
DED: Sure, do I use a gun or what?
Nabooru: NOT HELP IN KILLING US! HELP IN SAVING US!
DED: So, I should stab you in your sleep, right?
Nabooru: NOOOOOOOOO! SAVE US! SAVE!
DED: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Okay, we've got to figure out some way to escape. Now the way I see it is...
Darunia: (lunging at DED) NOOOOOOOOOO! (tackles DED, clamps hand over mouth)
DED: MMMMMMMMMPH! GAG! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
Darunia: DON'T SAY ANYTHING! THEY CAN HEAR US!
DED: Huh?
Darunia: If we draw plans, they can see us. If we talk about it, they can hear us. THEY KNOW EVERYTHING!
Malon: That's ridiculous!
Voice from ceiling: Yes. Ridiculous. Everyone go to bed. Fall into a catatonic, stuporous sleep where you would not wake up even if someone with a knife broke through the window. Have some warm milk.
*pause*
Darunia: SEE?
DED: Okay, okay. Whatever we do, we can't fall asleep. Okay.
MD: Okay?
DED: Okay.
Mido: So what should we do?
(pause)
All: MANDITORTY REALITY T.V. DRUNKEN WILD PARTY WHEREIN WE ALL GET PLASTERED AND TRY TO HAVE SEX BECUASE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE SO WHY THE HECK NOT??? *gasp gasp gasp gasp*
SUDDENLY, THE CREEPY CAMERAMAN GUY FLIES IN ON HIS AUTO-GYRO, BEARING A DISCO BALL! WHICH HE SHINES A FLASHLIGHT ON! AND IT'S PARTY TIME! WOOOOOOOOOOO!
Malon: (bringing in crate of "Cap'n Cirrhosis Ludicrously Fortified Wine and Windshield Wiper Fluid") I'VE GOT THE DRUNK!
Link and Zelda: WE'VE GOT THE SEX!
Mido: (cutting rope which is supporting a giant anvil hanging over everyone) I'VE GOT THE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
All: NO! STOP! WE ALREADY GOT THAT!
Mido: OKAY!
Darunia: (carrying aloft giant cedar box) I'VE GOT THE *grunt* HOT TUB!
SK: EVERYONE'S SPEAKING IN CAPITALS! I'M IN HOG HEAVEN!
(suddenly, pulsing dance music comes on, accompanied by strobe light)
ALL: HEY! SUDDENLY PULSING DANCE MUSIC COMES ON ACCOMPINIED BY STROBE LIGHT!
SK: SORRY! I JUST HAD THE STROBE LIGHT, AND THE BOOM BOX, AND I THOUGHT...
Ruto: CAN WE BE QUIET FOR A SECOND?
MD: Sure. (everything grinds to an abrupt halt)
Ruto: If you're gonna have a semi-mosh-pit-like drunken dance party, you have to do it right. Okay. Let's get some music.
Darunia: Well, I've got some bongo drums.
Saria: (suddenly wearing black pants and a black turtleneck, with a black beret and black shades) Groovy, daddy-o.
Darunia: Cool! You're a real beatnik! All I got is a chiseled pointy devil- beard-like gotee! (points to carved gotee) This rightfully belongs to you. Shine on you crazy diamond!
Saria: I dig.
Ruto: I had in mind something more riveting that Saria beating bongos and reading her poetry.
Saria: "I wander the never-yesterdays/ galloping over cosmic fields of roasted squishy pork loins/ O Elysium! totally buggered out, man/ So lather, rinse, and repeat."
Impa: Yeah. Lets not...
Nabooru: ...EH???
Impa: WHOO! (high-fives Nabooru)
Ruto: Uh huh. Like I said, let's get some real music going.
Link: THAT'S IT! (pulls out Zora guitar) I've got a guitar!
DED: NAY! (pulls out his dad's crappy black Yahama) I'VE got a guitar!
MD: NYET! (pulls out trombone) I'VE GOT A...err...trombone? NO WAIT! I GOT A GUITAR! (pulls out Gibson hollow-body)
DED: DOOD! Where did you get that? All I got is my dad's crappy black Yamaha, as previously stated!
MD: I dunno, I just reached into this extra-dimensional pocket behind my back and got it. Like this! (turns into angry anime-style person, reaches behind back, pulls out frying pan, beats DED with it)
DED: OW! SONNOFA HAMBURGER!
MD: *giggles innocently*
DED: Well. Let me try. (reaches behind back, pulls out another crappy black Yamaha) DAMMIT! (pulls out another) DAMMIT! (pulls out another) DAMMIT! (pulls out another and another and another) Awww CRAP! (there is a giant pile of crappy black Yamahas)
MD: Let me try. (reaches around behind DED's back) Oooh. Hmm. Eeew! Squishy! OW! Spikey! AAH! Moving! Here we are! (pulls out large, ugly fish)
DED: No! That's a guitarfish! OOH! IN THIS GAME THAT THEY HAD ON THE COMPUTERS AT MY SCHOOL THERE WAS THIS GAME CALLED, UM, OCEAN THINGY, UMM, ODELL DOWN UNDER, THAT'S IT, AND YOU COULD PLAY AS A GUITARFISH AND EAT STUFF BUT IT WAS BETTER IF YOU WERE A GREAT WHITE SHARK AND COULD EAT EVERYTHING!
Saria: Like Rauru!
DED: YES!
MD: Thaaaaaaaaaaaaat's...ass-stounding. Let me try again. (throws fish over shoulder)
Rauru: (sleeping) In fact...zzzzz...I'd like a nice fish sandwich...(guitarfish lands in mouth) Mmmm! Thanks...zzzzz...(inhales fish)
MD: So. Umm. Right. (reaches behind DED, pulls out slimy sewer chunk)
DED: No! That's a gutter!
MD: Okaaaaaaaay...(pulls out a scuba tank)
DED: No! That's a get-air!
MD: Huh? Whatever...(pulls out an Arabian-looking person)
DED: No! That's a resident of the nation of Qatar!
Qatar person: 'Salright.
MD: That was just plain wierd. (pulls out a large knife attached to an H- shaped handle)
DED: No! That's a katar!
MD: Okay, this is getting odd. (pulls out gourd-shaped instrument)
DED: No! That's a sitar!
MD: I'm getting closer though...(pulls out awesome Washburn accoustic)
DED: YAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Link: Well, no matter. I'm going to be playing guitar.
DED: NO! I AM!
MD: NO! I AM!
Link: ME!
DED: ME!
MD: ME!
Link: ME!
DED: ME!
MD: ME!
Link: ME!
DED: ME!
MD: ME!
Nabooru: I CALL TOP BUNK!
Link: ME!
DED: ME!
MD: ME!
Ruto: SHUT UP! YOU CAN ALL PLAY GUITAR!
DED: Okay. I'll be lead guitar. You two play back-up.
Link: No, I'M playing lead!
MD: No! ME!
Link: ME!
DED: ME!
MD: ME!
Link: ME!
DED: ME!
MD: ME!
Ruto: YOU CAN ALL BE LEAD GUITAR!
DED, MD, Link: *pause*
MD: *sheepishly* Umm...I'm...lead...number one...and DED's two...and Link's...three?
DED: NO! I'M NUMBER ONE!
Link: ME!
DED: ME!
MD: ME!
Ruto: YOU'RE ALL LEAD NUMBER ONE!
DED: Okay.
Link: Sounds good.
MD: Ehxxxelent.
Link: Actually, I can't play the guitar now because I have to go off with Zelda and do highly suggestive activities that turn out to be totally innocent after all!
Zelda: Yeah! Today's innuendo-rife game is "Lick the Creamy Goo!"
Link: Sounds good! (runs off into bedroom with Zelda, slams door)
DED: Right. I'll take the fish guitar then. (strums it, which produces an incredibly annoying screech) GAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Maaaaaybe not.
Meanwhile...
Darunia: GRUNT...SNORT...GURGLE...Where do you want the hot tub...rrrgggh...
Impa: I dunno, anywhere. Here.
Darunia: Whatever. (drops hot tub squarely on Mido)
Mido: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*WUMPH*
Ruto: Now, how to heat it?
Darunia: Something hot...THAT'S IT!
Nabooru: Woot's it, eh?
Darunia: SARIA! GET YER OCARINA!
Saria: Kay, but wh...(realizes something)...oh no...
Darunia: PLLLLAAAY THE SOOOONNNNNGG!
Saria: *sighs* Fine...(plays Saria's Song)
Darunia: WHAT A HOT BEAT! (leaps up and down, causing floor to shake and the hot tub to bounce up and down)
Mido: (under hot tub) OW...GOD...THE...PAIN...HURT...ING...MY...FACE...HELP...STOP...
Saria: (stops playing) What did you expect that to do?
Darunia: (lying on the ground gasping, twitching spasmodically) Hot...beat...hot...bea...t...h-h-h-ot...b-bea...t...*gurgle* (passes out)
Impa: I HAVE A PLAN!
Saria: Joy to the world.
Impa: We just have to heat it with fire!
Saria: Makes sense.
Nabooru: H'okayeeee, find some wood! (starts tearing bookcases and books apart and piling them around hot tub)
Ruto: Does this plan seem the least bit shortsighted? Like, we could end up setting the whole TUB on fire, seeing as how it's made of WOOD?
Impa: (merrily dousing wood with gasoline) NOPE! (throws match into wood, which bursts into flame)
Mido: (under hot tub) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Ruto: YOU IDIOTS! (douses flames with water gun) We are not savages. We have technology. (gestures to a computer)
Malon: Ahh, technology.
*A few moments later*
(Ruto is perched atop a bookcase with a computer teetering on the edge about to plummet into the hot tub)
Ruto: Ready...DROP! (shoves computer into tub)
Mido: (sitting in tub, getting hit with computer) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (computer breaks and electrocutes Mido) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHH GGAGAGGAAGGAGAGAGAGA!!!!
SFX: KKKZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!
Ruto: Okay...wait for it...wait for it...
Mido: (smoking profusely) YIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYYYIYYIIYIIIYIYIIIYIYIYIYIYIYIIYIYIYIYI...
Ruto: STOP!
(Malon removes plug from wall)
Saria: (Removing Mido's quivering body from the tub) Looks perfect!
Darunia: (waking up) EVERYONE IN THE TUB! (leaps into the tub, sending all the water flying out)
Everyone: DARUNIA!!!
Darunia: Oops.
(for some reason the water is just hovering in the air)
Ruto: Hey, did it occur to anyone that the water will still be electrified for a while after we stopped the computer from electrocuting it?
All: No...
Ruto: Then you might want to RUN NOW!!!
(everyone but Mido runs away)
Mido: Huh? (all the water lands on him, electrocuting him again)
SFX: KKKZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!
Mido: GGGGGAGGAGAGAGGGAGAGAGAGAAGGAGGAAGGAGA!
Everyone: HA HA!
Darunia: Well, now what? Haveta refill it...I'll get the little hose deely that comes out of the sink. (goes into kitchen, returns with tiny black hose thingy) Okay...(turns it on, causing a tiny trickle of water to ooze out)
Malon: Well this stinks.
WHILE THEY PONDER THAT CONFOUNDING SITUATION, OUR ATTENTION TURNS ELSEWHERE...
MD: Okay. I'll play some chords and you play a solo.
DED: Okay, but what if I change my mind?
MD: What?
DED: What if I want to play chords?
MD: JUST DO IT! I DON'T CARE!
DED: YES!
MD: Fine...(starts playing chords)
DED: WOOT! (starts playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb) RRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOCCCCCCKKKK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
MD: (stops) Waitwaitwaitwait. What are you doing?
DED: Jamming!
MD: No, you're little lambing.
DED: Umm. Okay. How about something else then?
MD: Okay. Don't screw up. (starts playing chord)
DED: (playing "Aura Lee") YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
MD: WHY ARE YOU ONLY PLAYING PUBLIC-DOMAIN CHILDREN'S SONGS?
DED: Umm...well...I...
MD: Well?
DED: ...Those are the only songs that I know from my book...
MD: So...umm...
DED: Right.
MD: Yeah...
DED: FORGET THIS! I'M HOT-TUBBING!
MD: Whatever. I'll go get my bathing suit.
DED: NO WAY! WE'RE SKINNY-DIPPING!
MD: Oh good GOD no.
DED: OH YES! (rips off clothes, which are covering more identical clothes) Hey! What the...(starts ripping dozens of sets of clothes off, until there is a big mound of torn-up clothes at his side) Oh, right! This thing's rated PEE-GEE-THIRT-HEEN! So! Lets...goooooooooooo! (grabs MD by the arm, creates a magical rainbow and jumps onto it, sliding about five feet and landing in front of the empty hot tub)
MD: Umm...right.
DED: What's going on?
Darunia: (still oozing water) Umm. Trying to fill tub.
Ruto: Oh for crying out loud. Wait here. (runs off)
Malon: Huh?
DED: Whatever.
Mido: Say, has anyone been keeping an eye on Link and Zelda? So to speak.
Impa: Say...you're right.
Link: (from other room) YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAH! LICK IT! LICK IT GOOOOD! UHN! LICK! LICK IT ALL!
Zelda: MMMMMMMMMMMPPHHHH! Mmmmmm...It's so creamy! Mmmmmmm...
Link: Mmmm...yeah...now...swallow it. Swallow it all...
Zelda: (gulping noises) Mmmmmmm...oh yeah...it tastes soooo gooooood...
Nabooru: Oh God.
DED: (smashing down door) PLEASE! THIS IS A FAMILY FANFICTION!
Link: (sitting at a table across from Zelda) Huh?
Zelda: (face-down in plate of Cool-Whip) Hhhhmmmmmph? What's going on?
DED: YOU FILTHY DEGENERATES! WHAT ARE...you...doing...?
Link: We're playing a wholesome game of "Lick the Creamy Goo!"
Zelda: (face covered with Cool Whip, licking it off) That is, we hide a Skittles in a blob of Cool Whip and then find it without using our hands! See? (sticks out tongue, with a Skittle on it)
Link: Yay! Now for the sprint round! Got your stopwatch?
Zelda: Yep! (takes out stopwatch) Readdddddyyyyy...GO!
Link: (burying head in plate of Cool Whip) Mmmmmmmmph!
Zelda: Mmmm...oh yesssss Link...that's the spot...right there...mmmmmmmm...lick it...oooohhh...aaaaaaaahhhhh...
DED: I'm going to quietly close the door and forget I saw this. (backs slowly out of room)
Ruto: (looking like a huge blob, trying to wedge through the door) HI!
Everyone: AAAAAAAAHHHH!
Saria: The HELL?
Ruto: (speaking in watery, deep voice) I WENT INTO THE OCEAN AND SOAKED UP SOME WATER! NOW...(oozes toward hot tub, opens mouth, sprays out water) GARGELELLGARGARLGARRRGLLELELE...(slowly deflating)
MD: That is truly horrifying.
Ruto: GURGLYGURGLE...phew! Done! No, wait...(coughs up sea cucumber) GHWARK! GACK!
DED: Um. Riiiiight. Well, the tub's full.
Impa: (dipping hand in, which is attacked by a stingray) AAAH! Well, the water's warm...and angry.
Ruto: Want me to filter it?
Mido: Umm, no. That's quite all right.
Ruto: Whatever you say! (jumps into tub, starts absorbing the water, swells to enormous size) NOW THEN! (shoves a Hepa filter into mouth, starts spewing water) GARGLEDYGARGLEGARGLEGARGLEGURGLEGARUGLE...Okay...(starts regurgitating sea life) HRUUUGGGGAARK GAAK GAAAAARRRRRK HWAAAAARRRRKKKK GGGGAARRRKKK...
Gannondorf: Ruto! You ate a whole ecosystem!
Rauru: (sleepwalking in his smelly, holey tightey-whities) Eat a whole ecosystem? Don't mind if I do! (swallows everything)
::long pause::
DED: I'm...sorry you had to see that.
Ruto: Well, I'm ready for HOT TUB ACTION! Right after this. HWARRRRRRAAAAGGGGGGNNNNGGGG! (expels a whole brain coral)
Malon: I don't know how comfortable I am with swimming in stuff that's been processed through a friend's body, but...WHAT THE HELL! (Rips off clothes, only to find that there's just underwear beneath them) EEEK! I thought I dressed in layers today! Oh, wait. (rips off underwear to find bathing suit underneath) HA! I knew it.
Mido: MY TURN! (rips off clothes, revealing business suit underneath) Huh? I don't remember this being here...(rips off clothes again, revealing pirate outfit, complete with parrot) WHAT THE FFF? (starts ripping violently through clothes, revealing a clown suit, a space suit, an old- fashioned diving bell outfit, seventies-era roller-disco outfit with afro wig, and hockey goalie outfit) GASP GASP GASP...WHERE...IS...IT?
Saria: (holds up Mido's bathing suit) See, you didn't actually put it ON...that might have helped...
Mido: YES! I, the great Mido, have singlehandedly solved the Mystery of the Phantom Swimming Trunks! Ooooooooooo! Aaaaaaaaaah!
Saria: Whaaaatever. (flings Mido's trunks at his head)
Gannondorf: (suddenly glowing with dark power, as "Night on Bald Mountain" plays in the background) ENOUGH! PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR THE AWESOME POWER OF...MY BATHING SUIT!
Soundtrack: BAAAAAAAAAUUUM BAAAAUUUMMM, BUM BUM BUM BAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUM, BA BUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...
Gannondorf: (tears off clothes) AH HAAAAAAAAaaaaa? (is wearing a corset and red-heart-covered boxer shorts)
Soundtrack: (sound of record abruptly stopping)
MD: Hey! There's my record player! (flips record over)
Soundtrack: (plays the sound of a foghorn going "WAA-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!")
Gannondorf: Well that didn't work. (shuffles off, shamed)
Darunia: MY TURN! (rips off skin, revealing various muscles and organs and bones) Whoa!
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAH!
Darunia: THAT was unexpected. (Zips skin back on)
Impa: And now, for the moment you've all been waiting for!
Saira: (plays drum roll with bongo drums)
Impa: Da, deedeedadadadada, deedeedadadadadadaDAAA, deedee dadeedeedadeedeeDAAAA, dedadeedeedadeedeedadeedeeDAAAA, dee lupetylupetylupetylupetylupetyLAAA, DEET DUPETY DUPETY DAAA, DEET DA DADADADDADADADADADADDADADADADADADADA, DAA DA DA, DA, DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (reveals the exact same bathing suit from the first chapter of WZCDWTFT. It's black. Just black.)
Gannondorf: Umm. It's...umm...nice. And black. Nice and black.
Impa: (teary-eyed) *sniffle* Isn't it though?
Ruto: What is so great about that stupid swimsuit?
Impa: (about to cry with sentimental love and nostalgia) It's not just a swimsuit...it's...a _black_ swimsuit!
Mido: Whaaaaaaatever.
DED: Now! For MY bathing suit! (tears off clothes to reveal Bermuda shorts with words "I don't suffer from psychotic episodes, I love every minute of 'em" printed on them)
MD: And MY BATHING SUIT! (tears off clothes to reveal suit with words "Clinically insane and it feels so good" printed on it)
Saria: And MY BATHING SUIT! (reveals adorable green kid's suit)
Nabooru: AND MY BATHING SUIT! (reveals giant inflatable bathing suit) AND it matches my pants!
Gannondorf: AND MY BATHING SUIT! FOR REAL THIS TIME! (reveals horrifying black Speedo)
Everyone: GAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! MY EYES!
Rauru: (waking up) HEY! YOU TOOK MY FASHION STATEMENT! (reveals own black Speedo, which is practically invisible underneath roll after roll of flab)
Everyone: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Saria: NO MORE! STOP THE HORROR! (grabs pair of red-hot knitting needles, prepares to jab through eyes)
Zelda: (bursting out of room, with whipped topping all over her face like she has rabies) WAIT! It's not all bad and/or nauseating being able to see! Think of all the wonderful things that you've yet to see!
Link: (bursting out of room, equally covered with Cool-Whip) LIKE...MY BATHING SUIT! (rips off clothes to reveal green Triforce trunks)
All girls: WHOA!
Link: YES! CHECK OUT THIS BODY! (flexes)
All girls: NO! YOU'VE GOT ABOUT A FOOT OF ARMPIT HAIR!
Link: Wha? Oh, yeah. (looks at giant tufts of yellow hair) Well...(takes out miniature Weed-Whacker, hacks through hair) TADAAAAAAA!
Saria: Yep, that's it, I'm gouging my eyes out...(raises needles)
Zelda: But you haven't seen...MY BATHING SUIT! (reveals incredibly slutty- looking thong bikini with Fredrick's of Hollywood tag on it) Gaah! Where did THIS come from?
Link: (whistling nonchalantly, throwing catalogue over shoulder) Umm...it was Mido. Go kill Mido.
Zelda: RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! (chases Mido around in circles)
Mido: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Link: Exxxxxxhelent.
Impa: But WAIT! I got myself a NEW bathing suit! CHECKKIT OWT! (tears off metal clothing to reveal metal bathing suit) Hope it doesn't rust....
SK: AND MY BATHING SOOT! DOOD! LOOK! AT OOL THE OOO'S! (reveals Majora's Mask butt bathing suit.)
Darunia: Well, that's everyone. IN THE TUB! WOOOOOOOO!!! (is about to cannonball)
Everyone: (glares at Darunia)
Darunia: (freezes in midair) Umm...oh, sorry...(starts moving in reverse) !!!OOOOOOOOW !BUT EHT NI .enoyreve s'that ,lleW (lands back where he was standing)
(long pause)
SK: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THAT HAPPENED, BUT I'VE JUST STOPPED CARING AT THIS POINT!
(everyone gets in the hot tub!)
DED: AND THE PLOT LURCHES ONWARD!
Saria: Rub a dub dub! 3 men in the tub! A butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker! Then they....alldiedandeveryonewashappytheend!
MD: Okay Darunia, NOW you can get in the tub...just be careful!
Darunia: Okay...careful....CAREful....CAREFUL!!! (shrieking at top of lungs) CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUULLLLLLLLLLL!
Everyone: SHUT UP!
Darunia: Okay. I'm ready. Stay...calm...stay...frosty...(dips toe in a tiny amount)
(massive explosion)
SFK: KRAKATHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
(stock footage of Bikini Atoll atomic testing, Hiroshima, picture of God smiting Sodom and Gomorrah with divine fire, Hurricane Andrew anhiliating South Florida, etc.)
(water goes EVERYWHERE)
All: DARUNIA WHAT DID YOU DOOOOOOOOOOO?
Darunia: Um.....It wasn't me.
DED: Then who was it????????
Darunia: Ummm...it was...swamp gas. Yes. Swamp gas.
DED: What...?
Darunia: Did I say swamp gas? I meant that it was weather balloon.
DED: Ah screw it.
MD: NOW what do we do?
DED: Twister party?
Link and Zelda: Erotic Twister party?
Malon: No and...no.
Darunia: Don't you two do that enough already?
Link: Yes...
Darunia: Well, too much of a good thing always leaves one wanting less I always find...
Zelda: How about a very, VERY good thing?
Darunia: Well...
DED: (ahems) ANYWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY......
Mido: Look! The sun's coming up!
Saria: We made it! We're not dead! (jumps up into the air, thereby avoiding a giant axe that was about to chop her legs off at the knee)
Ruto: WHOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOGWRAAGGGGGG! (hocks up a flounder)
::excruciating pause::
Rauru: MMMMMmmmmmMMMmmmMMM! FLOUNDER!
MD: Well, now I suppose that we'll have to find some way off the island.
Mysterious ceiling voice: A way off? Great idea. Perhaps you could concentrate on the project better if you took one of these gensing pills. Great for concentration... (mechanical hand comes out of ceiling, tries to shove pill into MD's mouth)
MD: AH! THE HOUSE IS TRYING TO KILL ME!
MCV: Or, I could cover a knife in gensing and stab you with it...would you prefer that? HUH BITCH? HUH?
Impa: (beats hand with baseball bat) DIE FIEND!
All: WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
DED: Umm...anyway...I believe that...
Nabooru: Your heart will go on?
DED: Yes, that, but also that we should get to figuring out how to escape from this deathtrap.
All: HERE HERE!
DED: Now the way I see it is...
SUDDENLY, THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY SMASHES THROUGH THE ROOF ON HIS AUTO-GYRO!
All: CEE-CEE-GEE! YOU'VE COME AGAIN!
THE CREEPY CAMERA GUY PRESSES A BUTTON ON HIS AUTO-GYRO! AND IT EXPANDS INTO A HUGE 747!
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! (run from the expanding 747)
SFX: KKKRRRAKKKK TINKLETINKLETINKLE! (house collapses)
Gannondorf: (poking his head out of the rubble) WE'RE SAVED!
AND SO, THE JOYFUL THRONG BOARDS THE PLANE! WHICH THEN TAKES OFF, WITH THE C-C-G AT THE HELM!
Okay, it's a deux-ex, I know. It's late. I'm tired.
ANYHOO!
Malon: (looking back on the island) Goodbye, island!
Rauru: SO LONG, ISLAND! SO LONG, HIPPOS! Sweet, delicious hippos...*sniffle*
Saria: Goodbye, island that we have left thereby forfeiting our chance to get a schnizzle-load of Rupees! Wait...
::pause::
All: DOH!
MD: Oh well. Better alive and poor than rich and dead.
Malon: (banging on the door) NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO! BETTER DEAD AND RICH! LET ME OFFFFFFFFF!
Everyone: (forcibly restrains Malon)
*tickety tickety tickety*
12:22 A.M.: WEEEEEEEEEE EAT THE JELL-O, MAH FRIEEEENDS, AND WEEEEEEEEEEEEE'LL KEEP ON EATING, 'TILL THE END, AH WE EAT THE JELL-O, WWWWEEEEEEEE EAT THE JELL-O, NO TIME FOR PUDDING CUZ WE...I MEAN, SOMEWHERE OVER THE PACIFIC OCEAN
All: (Singing to the tune of "In Cars") Here on the plane, I feel safest of all, Cuz the cam-er-a guy, is the one who will drive, in planes!
Synthesizer: WEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOO-WWEEEEOOOOWWW!
Malon: Here on the plane...
Rauru: I can eat airline food...
Link: And the flight a-ttend-ant...
Ruto: Is the cameraman dude!
All: In planes!
MD: (yelling over synth music) ANNNNNNNNNND THATS THE END OF THAT.
(everything abruptly stops)
*pause*
Mido: Well.
Impa: Hey look! We're over land again!
All: HURRAY! WE'RE GONNA LIVE!
DED: But I have just one question. Who is the Creepy Cameraman Guy?
MD: And why did he help us?
SUDDENLY! THE C-C-G BURSTS OUT OF THE CABIN! AND LAUGHS MANIACALLY!
Soundtrack: *evil theme music*
DED: WAIT!
Everyone: OKAY!
DED: The Creepy Camera Guy is, as it always has been.....................(rips off CCG's mask)
All: GHASP! IT CAN'T BE!
Before anyone gets a good look at the true nature of the CCG, THE LIGHTS GO OUT! SUDDENLY!
Mysterious voice: To protect the world from order and reason!
Other mysterious voice: To provide insanity for every season!
Mysterious voice: To annoy our captives every chance we find!
Other mysterious voice: To infect with madness your very mind!
WG: (suddenly appearing in spotlight) Windmill Guy!
FG: (suddenly appearing in spotlight) Fishing Guy!
WG: TEAM FISH-MILL, BLAST OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT!
FG: SURRENDER YOUR SANITY, CUZ REALITY BITES!
Gryorg: (falling out from an overhead storage compartment) Gryorg! Indubidably!
Fierce Deity Link: (wandering out of lavatory, zipping up fly) Howdy! Did I miss something?
All: IT'S WINDMILL GUY AND FISHING GUY!
WG: Yes, we sort of covered that already.
FG: ARRR! AND NOW YE'LL BE WALKIN' THE PLANK!
Gryorg: Indubitably!
DED: But why were you helping us, as the Creepy Etcetera?
FG: ARRRRRR! RATINGS, YE SCURVY DOG!
WG: Sure, we could have killed you in five minutes! But that wouldn't have drawn millions of viewers, would it? WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
FG: YE BE THE HIGHEST-RATIN' SHOW ON TV! MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
All: WHAT?!?
Zelda: Hey! You specifically said that there WOULDN'T be hidden TV cameras watching us!
DED: Err...umm...I am not a crook?
Zelda: Look! I'll prove it! (grabs Dave's laptop, opens file called "rwars19.doc" and finds part of it) See? Right here! AND I QUOTE! "MD: Uhh...let's keep this our little secret, 'k? DED: Deal! MD: *to Zelda characters* Guess what everyone! DED: We're on the show! MD: And it'll be totally safe! DED: And no hidden cameras everywhere! MD: And its all gonna be fun! DED: And TV Guide isn't out of "Hots!" MD: *smack* DED Owie..."
DED: Well...ummm...
MD: WE HONESTLY THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER FIND OUT!
Link: So... TV Guide IS out of "Hots?" *sob* I TRUSTED YOU! I THOUGHT THAT MEANT SOMETHING! I GAVE THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE TO YOU!
Zelda: *engrossed in contents of Dave's laptop* The HELL? There's all KINDS of crazy crap in here! (starts reading previous chapters)
FG: KNOCK THAT OFF! WE BE TRYIN' TE THREATEN YE! (smacks laptop away) SO NOW WE'LL BE A-KILLIN' YE FOR YOU! No, wait, I mean WE'LL BE A-KILLIN' YE FOR US! No, WE'LL BE...A-KILLIN'...YE...FOR...WE? ANYWAY! YE'RE NO USE TO US NOW, YE LUBBERS! WHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ARRRRR!
WG: Okay, now, even I'M annoyed by the pirate accent.
FG: (now speaking with a thick Liverpool accent) Oh all right...anyway, time to die, chaps!
WG: WOW! IT'S RINGO STARR ALL OF A SUDDEN! Nice try. Knock it off.
FG: (speaking with an Irish accent) O aye! Shell we be a'killin'em now sir?
WG: OH JUST SPEAK NORMALLY!
FG: (speaking with southern accent) Whalp, I rek'n 'tis time te take yew out!
WG: NORMAL!
FG: Whalsir, this is norma. Yew jez doan' know't nohaow...
WG: Ahh screw it, just go back to the pirate accent.
FG: (suddenly back in pirate accent) SHIVER ME TIMBERS ME HARTIES! YO HO YO HO! (whips out accordion, starts dancing a jig while playing) WHAT DO YA DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILOR WHAT DO YA DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILOR WHAT DO YA DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILOR EARLYE IN THA MOR'NIN!
WG: JUST THE ACCENT!
FG: No, I'm serious, what DO ya do with a drunken sailor earlye in tha mor'nin?
WG: Umm...shove him overboard? Take an embarassing snapshot?
Gryorg: I believe the next verse says that you "put him in the brig with food and water," old chum.
FG: ARRR! But why would you waste perfectly good food and water to feed a drunk guy?
WG: Well, if you just killed him, he couldn't help anymore, could he?
Dark Link: Maybe they meant you should put him in the brig with food and water AFTER he's not drunk. Like, as a punishment.
FG: Well it wouldn't be much of a punishment if he had food and water!
Dark Link: Look, I don't know, I'm just saying...
MEANWHILE, THE GANG HAS GONE TO THE CARGO HOLD AND GOTTEN ALL THEIR STUFF!
DED: SHUT UP!
WG: What?
DED: We're sending you packing!
Everyone: (steps forward)
Link: (brandishing his pink bunny slippers) TASTE MY FUZZY FURY!
Zelda: (whipping out her fan) Hey! I'm like Peach in Super Mario RPG where she hits people with a fan!
SK: (wielding strobe light as impromtu mace) DISCO INFERNO!
Malon: (slipping on her brass knuckles) I'll make ya an offer ya can't refuse!
Impa: (holding her whistle as a garotte wire) I'M GONNA GARROTE YOU GOOD!
Nabooru: (holding up fan of cards with Canadian maple leaf on the back) Double or nothing, eh?
Rauru: (holding up his spork, with wind blowing around him) I HAVE THE POWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR! (lightning strikes the tip of the spork, transforming Rauru into He-Man, with Rauru's beard, spork grows to the size of a bastard sword)
Saria: (spinning twine ball around) PREPARE TO BE ENSNARED!
Mido: (whirling his yo-yo around) IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN!
Ruto: (cocking her water gun) LETS GET WET!
Darunia: (hefting new rock bicycle) VERSION 2.0, BETTER THAN EVER!
Gannondorf: (plugging in dehumidifier) SEE YOU IN HELL, HUMIDITY!
DED and MD: (jumping into the air, hi-fiveing, landing) AUTHORS UNITE! (glow with magic power)
FG: So! It's a battle ye want, eh? SO BE IT!
WG: TASTE INSANITY'S POWER!
Gryorg: Indubitably!
FDL: Umm...OTHER WORDS TO THAT EFFECT!
*screen distorts, peppy Pokemon-battle music plays, screen comes back into focus*
Soundtrack: DUN DUN DUN DUHDUH DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DEEEE DEEEEEE, DADADADADA DEEEEEEEDUNDUNDUN...
EVERYONE'S JUST STANDING AROUND, RPG-STYLE!!!!
Link: Should would be doing something?
DED: (whispers) It's your turn!
Link: Okay...I USE...MAGIC BUNNY SLIPPERS STRIKE!!! *jumps up in the air, throws bunny slippers like shirukens) YAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
(Bunny slippers hit Gyrorg in the head)
Gryorg: Okay.....what was that?
Link: *cheerfuly* The Magic Bunny Slippers Strike! *gives thumbs up*
DED: CLEARLY, you've never played an RPG.
Rauru: STAND ASIDE! (holding spork aloft, eyes closed contemplatively) Oh masters of the spork, I CALL UPON YOU! SPORK, DON'T FAIL ME NOW! SWARM OF SPORKS! (big spork splinters into dozens of smallish sporks, which fly at WG)
WG: (getting poked by plastic sporks) Ow. Ow. Ow. OW! CUT THAT OUT! OW!
Rauru: HE IS WEAKENED!
Ruto: Take this! (sprays water at Gryorg)
Gryorg: Okay. I'm...wet now. I LIVE IN WATER YOU FOOL!
Ruto: A LIKELY story...
Mido: (spinning yo-yo above head) I will defeat you! And then all will love me! THEY'LL HAVE TO LOVE ME! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
Link: That is truly pathetic.
Mido: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!!!! (throws yo-yo)
FG: (gets hit in the head with yo-yo)
SFX: BONK!
FG: OOOOOOOOOOWWWW!! That really REALLY hurt! What is the matter with you?! That's a hard, plastic yo-yo! (turns to WG) Who weilds a yo-yo? For crying out loud! (grabs yo-yo) Give me that!
Mido: (being pulled along by finger still attached to yo-yo) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!
Link: Yeah, great, if we didn't love you before we're REALLY going to love you now.
Mido: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!! IT HUUUUUUUUUURTS!!! (finger turning blue) OOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!
Link: Like that's going to garner lots of affection.
Impa: This group is falling apart! I KNOW!!! I'll lift everyone's spirits with a cheerful minstrel's song!
MD: So what, you're a troubadour now?
Impa: Noooo...
MD: Do you have a musical instrument?
Impa: Noooo...
MD: THEN WHAT DO YOU HAVE???
Impa: A whistle!! TWEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!! TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!
WG: All right, enough of this crap, TIME TO DIE! Gryorg! KILL!!!
Gryorg: (grows to twenty feet tall) RAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!! (eats Ganondorf)
Ganondorf: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-MRRUMPHUMNPH!!!
Gryorg: Now, for the rest of you.....
*tickety tickety tickety*
12:43 AM, INSIDE GRYORG'S STOMACH. WONDER IF THERE'S JELL-O IN HERE?
Ganondorf: Egads! Never thought I'd die this way...*sob*
Mysterious Voice: You do not die in here....
Ganondorf: WHO'S THERE???
MV: It is....
Ganondorf: NOT -
MV: Yes, it is I...(candle goes on) THE THIGH-SLAPPING BUG DUDE!!!
Ganondorf: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Thigh-Slapping Bug Dude: (he has a really long beard and ultra-long fingernails) I have been in here for twenty years...
Ganondorf: (noticing long fingernails) Ew.
Another Mysterious Voice: Oh, the gastric juices are so romantic.
Yet Another Mysterious Voice: The juices are dissolving my feet.
AMV: Oh, I love you so much, buttercup.
YAMV: I love you too, shnookums.
Ganondorf: Why, it's...(yet another candle goes on) HONEY AND DARLING!!
Honey & Darling: (dancing in a puddle of gastric juices) Hello!
TSBD: Yes, they too have been in here for a long time....
Creepy Ghost Voice: Gaaaaaaaaaaanondoooooooooorf...
Ganondorf: (sounding panicked) Okay, I'm getting THOROUGHLY creeped out now!
CGV: Dooooooon't be afraaaaaaaaaaaaid...It is I.....(YET ANOTHER candle goes on)
Ganondorf: OH NO! IT'S...wait a minute. I've never met you before.
Poe Guy: I am the guy who buys Poes. From Link. I live just outside of Hyrule Market Town. HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF ME?
Ganondorf: Uh, no.
Small, childlike voice, with strange faint British accent: But you surely remember me...don't you.....?
Ganondorf: AHHH! WHAT? WHO? WHERE?
(What looks like Ganondorf as a ten-year-old appears. He is wearing dorky suspenders and carrying a stack of books attached to a belt, with thick glasses and curly red hair...)
Ganondorf: (shrieking effeminitely) WHAT IS THAT? It almost looks like...me...
Lil' Ganondorf: I am you...I'm your...inner child...
Ganondorf: Wh...what are you? This can't be real!
Lil' Ganondorf: Of course it's not....I'm just a hallucination brought on by the lack of air...
TSBD: THAT'S your inner child? WHAT A DORK!
Ganondorf: (desperately angry) NO! NO! THE DORKY ME IS DEAD! I WAS NEVER THAT DORKY!
Lil' Ganondorf: But...you were...don't you remember?...
Ganondorf: NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Flashback sound: Doodely doodely doodely...
*FLASHBACK*
(Ganondorf as a young child. He is wearing dorky suspenders and carrying a stack of books attached to a belt, with thick glasses and curly red hair)
Ganondorf: (merrily skipping to school) La la la la la la! I had four apples. Then I ate one. Now I only have three!
Gerudo #1: Hey, GanonDORK, get a life!
Ganondorf: Why are you so mean?
Gerudo #2: (shoves Ganondorf) Cause you're so stupid!
Ganondorf: Stop it! I'll tell my dad!
Gerudo: #3: You don't have a dad!
Ganondorf: Gasp! You're right! (starts crying) Waaaaaaaaaaaah!
All the Gerudos: (point and laugh) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*END FLASHBACK*
Ganondorf: Noooooooooo!! The horrible memories! Why are you doing this!?
Lil' Ganondorf: You must help...save these people...save us...
Ganondorf: I...I...I don't know if I can do it!
Lil' Ganondorf: But...you must...
Ganondorf: I CAN'T DO IT!!!
Lil' Ganondorf: (suddenly very angry) Hey, look pal, you're gonna save us and YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT!
Ganondorf: Okay, okay...sheesh! (suddenly dramatic) I'll do it! I'll save you all! All you thigh-slapping, circuitously-dancing, figment of imagination-ing freaks! YOU DESERVE TO LIVE!!! But how....HOW? Wait! That's it! I KNOW JUST WAHT TO DO!
*tickety tickety tickety*
12:50 AM FLYING THE JELLO-Y SKIES. I MEAN, BACK ON THE AIRPLANE, OUTSIDE OF GRYORG'S STOMACH
Impa: Oh no! GANONDORF JUST GOT EATEN!!
Link: (sarcastically) Oh no. I'm so sad. Boo hoo.
Nabooru: I have mixed feeling about this. I feel pity for him, but I also feel.joy. Mostly joy.
Gryorg: NOW I WILL EAT ALL..of.you?
DED: Huh?
Gryorg: I don't feel so good.
WG: WHAT? GO! EAT! KILL! CRUSH!
Gryorg: Feeling.kinda.DRY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IT'S MY ONLY WEAKNESS.
All: NO! NOT THE.
Gryorg: YES! THE.(starts shriveling up)
Ganondorf: (triumphantly stepping out of Gryorg's mouth, with the dehumidifier) .DEHUMIDIFIER!
SFX: (triumphant music)
Ganondorf: I TOLD YOU WE'D NEED IT!
Malon: Well.umm.maybe.
FG: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ME CATCH OF THE DAY! (runs over to Gryorg, who looks like a sardine by now) WHY? WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY?
WG: KNOCK IT OFF! One down.but they're still no match! FEEL THE MADNESS! (starts playing Song of Storms)
SFX: Doo doo DEEE! Doo doo DEE! DOO-DEE-DOO-DEE-DOODOODOO!
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! (clutch heads)
Link: (yelling to be heard over music) Icy. clutch. of. madness. gripping. me. taking. over. mind.
Zelda: With. you. that's. not. much. of. an. accomplishment.
Saria: So. hard. to. think. or. speak. with. articles.
(Lightning strikes)
SFX: CREEEKOW!!
FG: You idiot! Don't start a storm! WE'RE IN A PLANE!
(plane starts to rock back and forth)
All: AAAAAAAAAAAHHH! (Everyone falls over, except for Rauru, who's been wedged between the seats)
Rauru: Flab, don't fail me now!
(The plane goes into a tailspin)
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WE'RE GONNA DIE! AGAIN!
WG: Oops.
FDL: DO SOMETHING!
WG: (wets himself)
FDL: SOMETHING BETTER!
FG: (Putting Gryorg, now a tiny little fish, into a bottle) We'll be back, ye scurvy dogs! Back! BACK I SAY! (opens door, prepares to jump out of plane) AND WE'LL HAUNT YOUR LIVES FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND (plane hits the ground)
SFX: (huge explosion) BABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!
(fade to black)
*tickety tickety tickety*
9:00 AM, LOCATION UNKNOWN
SFX: (music from the Sacred Realm plays)
Link: (groggily) .are we dead? (gets up and looks around) We're all on a beach. Must've washed up on shore. Is this the mainland? (goes over Zelda's unconscious form) Hey, wake up! We made it back to the mainland!
Zelda: Eeeeeergh.are we dead?
Link: I already asked that, and no one seemed to answer.so I'm guessing no.
Zelda: (gets up) Well, we made it! Looks like we're all here! There's Impa, Saria, Ganondorf, Mido.hey, where's Rauru? And DED? And MD? And Darunia?
Link: (sadly) I guess they didn't make it.
Zelda: Wait...what about.the guy who's writing what time it is, and where we are?
*tickety tickety tickety* 9:01 AM: YES? I'M STILL HERE.AND I STILL LOVE JELL-O!
Zelda: DAMMIT! I mean, hurray.
Saria: Wait! There's Darunia!
Darunia: (walking out of the sea) WHAT? WHERE? Oh, _here_ I am!
Ganondorf: But where are the authors? And the Butterball-brand turkey? I mean the venerable sage?
Impa: Yeah! We can't have a story without authors! _Or_ turkeys!
Nabooru: So.they must be around here somewhere.
Link: (looking out over the horizon) WHOA! WHAT IS THAT?
Zelda: It looks like a giant whale! No wait! Worse! It's.
All: RAURU!
Rauru (faintly from the distance): Mmmmm! Krill!
Malon: No, maybe it is a whale. Zelda: Maybe.it's both.
DED: (calling from somewhere) AHOY!
MD: (calling from somewhere) AVAST!
Link: WHERE ARE YOU?
DED: WE'RE ON RAURU!
Rauru: You ARE? I didn't notice. (Rauru washes up on shore)
Ruto: Oh! That's right! Rauru is amazingly buoyant!
Rauru: Hey! In case of emergency, _I_ can be used as a flotation device! AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I crack myself up.
DED: (jumping joyfully off Rauru's gut) AH! Solid ground!
MD: (bouncing off, like a trampoline) Instead of squishy belly.
Rauru: Hey! I saved your lives!
Mido: How long were you guys afloat on Rauru?
DED: Hours.days.weeks.I don't know.I just.don't know anymore.
MD: The stench of Rauru's armpits kept us awake every night.SEE? (points to bloodshot eyes)
Rauru: A couple sharks tried to eat me.but one of them got a blocked artery after biting me, the rest backed off.
Darunia: Trying to watch their cholesterol, I guess.
SK: SO WHERE ARE WE?
DED: I don't know.I think we're on the mainland.
MD: Wherever we are, I'm just glad we're off that horrid island.for.ever.(gaze turns to the ruins of the very house they had just left)
::long, long pause::
All: DOH!
SUDDENLY!
(the Great Fairy's song starts playing)
Link: Huh?
Navi: (flying down from the heavens) HIYA!
All: WHAT..THE CRAP.
Navi: Dave! Come foreward!
DED: What do you want, o annoying one?
Navi: First of all.DROP THAT BOTTLE!
DED: (with empty bottle behind back) Shoot! I though I had you this time! (flings bottle away)
Navi: Dave! You could have gone home any time you wanted to! Just slap two ping-pong paddles with steaks attached to them three times, and repeat, "There's no place like home!"
DED: HEY! COOL! Okay, let me try.(MD hands him two meat-slammers) Right! (starts hitting meat together) There's no place like.
Rauru: (eats the meat)
ALL: RAURU!
Rauru: Mmmmmm.uncooked angus.
DED: Okay.let me try AGAIN! (gets more meat, starts slamming) "There's no place like hone." No wait, "There's more place like home." Hold it. "There's no place like Taco Bell."
Rauru: DAMN STRAIGHT!
DED: SHUT UP! "There's plenty of places like home." No, it was, "There's.um.no place like.gnomes?"
All: "THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME! HOME!"
DED: Okay! I remember now! "THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!"
DOODELYDOODELYDOODELYDEEEE! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
(everyone wakes up in a big-ass bed in Hyrule Castle)
MD: IT WORKED!
Zelda: WE'RE HOME!
Ruto: HUZZAH!
Ganondorf: YIPPIE!
SK: HAL-AY-LOO-YUH!
Mido: Wait! Why.are we all in one giant bed?
::pause::
Everyone: SHUT UP!
DED: Oooohhh.I've been to a magical place.(starts pointing to people) And you were there.and you were there.and you.
Zelda: Of course we were there! You were there! We were stuck on an island! Contest.evil maniacs.
DED: Oh yeah. Whatever happened to them?
MD: Well, like in every action movie there is, they NEVER EVER show the charred, mangled bodies of the villains, but we can ASSUME, barring the possibility of a sequel, that they're gone forever.
::pause::
Impa: So.
Malon: What should we do now?
Link: I dunno.wanna watch T.V.?
Everyone: (general agreement) (everyone shuffles off to the giant couch)
AND SO, IT HAS COME FULL CIRCLE. AND AS THEY DID MONTHS AGO, AND AS THEY DID WHEN A YOUNG GAL NAMED MISTY DECIDED SHE WAS BORED AND MADE THEM EXIST, AND AS THEY WILL DO, NOW AND FOREVER.
Everyone's sitting around.
THE END