A/N: Thank you to my beta, Suilven, and to quantumparadigm, for helping me come up with ideas for this chapter. Also, thank you all for reading and for the lovely reviews.

About the future of this story, I assure you this will not turn into a game walkthrough fic. Don't worry! And, I have big plans for ME2. We're not having any chapters without Kaidan, but it's also not going to be another 'Kaidan joins Shepard after Horizon' story. You'll see. Please, trust me.

For the guest reviewer who asked, Kaidan and Lisa were together for three weeks (in 2171) at first and, then, for six months (2171-2) until they had that fight about her real name.

Chapter 25 – Mindoir (Part 1)

07/03/2175

"I wasn't sure you'd come." Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, not knowing what to do with his hands. He would've liked to give her a hug, but she didn't move a muscle towards him and barely made any eye contact, so he just kept it to himself.

He had been really looking forward to spending some time with her, just the two of them. There hadn't been a day, ever since the break-up, that he hadn't thought about her. He had tried to convince himself that it was just because he cared about her as a friend, but then why was just seeing her making his heart pound like this?

"Me neither."

Her stance was guarded and she looked stiff and uncomfortable, so Kaidan offered to carry her duffel bag for her, thinking that maybe it would help.

"Thanks," she said, rolling her shoulder. Even though the bag wasn't heavy, she seemed relieved to be rid of it.

"How long are you staying?"

"I don't know. Just for tonight and the next, I guess."

Now that he was looking at her more closely, he noticed there was a bandage covering her headjack, and there were fading cuts and scratches on her right arm and on the right side of her face.

"What happened there?" He touched her arm, letting his fingers gently trail over the marks to point out what he was talking about.

Her skin and her biotics still felt the same. She still felt the same, and dark energy soared inside him, awakened by hers.

"This, uh…" With a long blink and sucking in a deep breath, she tried to recompose herself; she had felt it, too. "… It was just a frag grenade that went off a bit too close. I'm fine; don't worry."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"When did this happen? It looks recent."

"A few days ago. We found an enemy base, but it turned out to be a trap."

"Cerberus? Are you still chasing them?"

"Yeah. Santiago and I were trying to escape. He was hurt and I'd lost my barrier. When the grenade exploded, the blast knocked me out cold. It was too strong for my shields, too, and shrapnel pierced through my armor. I woke up on the New Delhi, feeling like shit and with a fried amp." She lightly touched the bandage on the back of her neck. "Stay away from the Antares series."

Were her tours always this action-packed? Being posted first in Vancouver and now on Mindoir, Kaidan had never taken part in any real combat situation while in the service. God, even in her free time Shepard had gotten involved in that mess at Arcturus, when Cerberus had attacked the station. It seemed trouble followed her around.

"Shepard, that sounds really bad. You could've died."

"I'm fine," she repeated more emphatically.

Kaidan knew better than to take her word for it whenever Shepard said she was fine. But, for now, he dropped it and led the way out of the spaceport. Later, though, at a more appropriate time and place, he was definitely going to try and convince her to let him take a look at her headjack, just to make sure everything was as fine as she was saying it was. Unfortunately, he had had a lot of experience with bad amps and was probably better than most doctors at cleaning and repairing amps and headjacks.

Since it was past 1900 and his shift had already ended, they went straight to the Alliance camp, located about two klicks from the spaceport. Kaidan asked for Shepard to wait while he talked with his CO. Moments later, Major Keller made a gesture for her to approach them.

"Private Jane Shepard, of the SSV New Delhi, ma'am." She saluted the sentinel's CO.

"Alenko just told me you're Mindoir's sole survivor."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Well, I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thank you, ma'am."

"There's a memorial wall to the victims, if you'd like to pay your respects."

"I'd like that, ma'am."

"Alenko, find her a place to sleep and then take her there tomorrow. I'll tell MacTavish to cover for you."

"Yes, ma'am," Kaidan replied.

After being dismissed, the two privates went over to Kaidan's tent, where he dropped off Shepard's duffel bag. He planned on letting her have his cot, but decided not mention it for now, so she wouldn't think that staying there overnight would inconvenience him.

Next, they went to get something to eat in the mess tent. The whole time, she was awfully reticent. He tried to talk to her, telling her about how things were at the colony and the rebuilding efforts. A few nods were her only reaction.

She was probably tired from the trip, so he gave her some privacy for her to change into her PT uniform and get ready for bed. Then, with a first-aid kit in hand, he met her back in his tent and asked her if he could take a look at her headjack. She agreed, but not without rolling her eyes at him and saying once more that everything was fine.

Carefully, he pulled off the bandage from the back of her neck to find sore, red, and blistered skin. It looked painful.

"Shepard…"

"I know," she sighed. "It was a busy day. The Antares couldn't handle it."

"You spike too high. You need a better amp."

"Yeah."

Her resigned answer made him realize she obviously knew those Aldrin Labs amps the Alliance provided weren't good enough for her; she didn't need him to tell her that after what had happened in her last mission. It was a real shame that all decent bio-amps on the market were terribly expensive. There was no way she had twenty thousand credits to spare on a Kassa Fabrication Astrum V.

He couldn't do much about it either but clean her amp-port, so he did it to the best of his ability. He also tended to the damaged skin around it, gently applying a layer of the gel the New Delhi doctor had given her for the burns.

In reaction to his touch, her biotics surfaced, forming a dull blue corona around her. He felt the energy flowing from her, teasing him, testing his control in the most pleasurable way. It made him glad to see she wasn't holding back and seemed comfortable under his care. Her shoulders had relaxed and she didn't look so stiff and tense anymore.

After he applied a fresh bandage and was done dressing her injury, his fingers lingered on her neck, left bare and so perfectly kissable by her pixie haircut. It could be just wishful thinking, or maybe the way she had turned her head to thank him, but he was under the impression that, for a moment there, she had leaned into his touch.

"So… where am I going to sleep?" she asked him.

Reluctantly, he let go of her before it got awkward.

In his tent, there was only his cot, a desk piled up with omni-tools, consoles, and datapads for him to fix and/or update, and a chair.

"Here." He pointed at the cot.

"What about you? Where are you sleeping?"

"In one of those larger tents at the far end of the camp. Those are the actual barracks, so I'll just bunk there with the others."

The Alliance camp on Mindoir wasn't too big. Even the officers, except for Major Keller, slept in shared tents. The only reason Kaidan had his own was because he had moved a cot to the 'shop' tent, so he could work late on those tech repairs without disturbing the others or being disturbed by them.

"Oh. Okay." There was a glimpse of something in her eyes. Worry? Doubt? Insecurity, perhaps? It was gone too fast for him to be certain.

"Shepard, are you going to be all right here by yourself?" he asked for good measure.

She frowned at him as if he was talking crazy. "Yeah, of course. I'm fine; you can stop worrying. Good night," she said, waving him off.

As he walked out of the tent, he couldn't shake the feeling that there was something wrong. She had said so many times that she was fine, it was starting to feel like she was trying to convince herself as much as him.

Instead of looking for an available bed for the night, Kaidan decided to stay up a little longer and watch his tent. The lights went off inside pretty quickly and everything seemed normal.

"Alenko, where's Shepard?"

It was Major Martina Keller approaching him and he snapped into attention. "Major."

"At ease."

He nodded towards his tent. "She's sleeping, I guess. Ma'am."

"I've looked into her service record. Not the most stable character."

"She's… all right, ma'am."

The major gave him a measuring look. "You've known her for long, private?"

"A few years, ma'am."

There was a strained silence between them. Was Keller waiting for him to elaborate? If she wanted to know more, she would have to ask for it specifically. His relationship with Shepard was complicated to say the least; definitely not something to be discussed with a CO.

"I see. Keep an eye on her, Alenko. I don't want any trouble in my camp," the major said, before finally walking away.

"Will do, ma'am."

From where he was standing, things in his tent continued to look perfectly quiet and normal — there were no signs of movement, or unexpected flares, and the lights were still off. So, he decided to find himself a place to sleep.

"Alenko, I heard that girl you were hanging out with earlier is Mindoir's sole survivor. Is that true, man?" MacTavish asked from the bunk opposite to Kaidan's.

"Yeah. But, don't go grilling her about it, okay? It's hard for her to be back here."

"Shepard, right? Hot chick," Marsden said, getting in the middle of their conversation. "I thought you were boning her, Alenko, but then you show up to sleep here with us? Tsk tsk. You disappoint me, man."

Letting Shepard have his tent had been the right call. Kaidan had forgotten what it was like to bunk with the guys. He hadn't exactly missed it. "You know I have a girlfriend, Marsden."

"So you won't mind if I hit that nice piece of ass tomorrow, eh?"

God, that annoyed Kaidan to no end, and it wasn't just about the guy's tone and the awful way he had worded that sentence.

"Shut up, Marsden," Walker replied from one of the other cots.

"Jealous, baby? 'Cause, you know, there's enough of me for both of you."

"Jesus fucking Christ! What's wrong with you?" Walker turned on her cot to face the canvas and pulled her blanket over her head.

Marsden continued, unfazed by her reaction or the dead serious look on Kaidan's face. "The only thing that puts me off a bit is her face, but I'm not one to complain. I'll just do her doggy style," he said, laughing out loud.

That was it. Kaidan jumped on his feet determined to punch the guy, just as MacTavish rushed between them.

"Leave it, man," he told Kaidan, pushing him back just hard enough to get his attention. "You know how the major is. She doesn't care about who started it, she'll have you both in the brig."

Glaring at Marsden and with his fists clenched, Kaidan stalked out of the tent, but he still heard Marsden shouting, "I thought you had a girlfriend, Alenko. Does she know she's sharing you with Private Scarface?"

It took all his self-control and several deep breaths not to go back in there and deck the guy.

After wandering aimlessly around the camp for a few minutes, he decided to stop pretending and just go check in on Shepard. That was what he had wanted to do from the start, even though there was no sign of any disturbance in her tent.

As he approached it, he heard something though. Muttering? Sobbing?

"Shepard," he whispered.

There was no answer, so he called a little louder. Still nothing. But, there was definitely some noise coming from inside the tent.

He opened the flaps and went inside. The noise, whatever it had been, ceased completely. The lights would make it too bright in there, so he just turned on his omni-tool. Shepard was lying on her side on the cot, curled into a ball, trembling, with her arms wrapped around her head. He had seen her having bad days a couple of times, but never this bad.

"Shepard…" It was all he could say. Are you okay? What's going on? Do you need anything? — those were all stupid questions that would only make her lie to him.

"Y-Yes?" It still came out shaky, even though she had sucked in a ragged breath and cleared her throat in hopes it would help her sound like everything was normal.

As he came closer to her, she buried her face even further into her arms. He knew this was probably inappropriate, that his CO wouldn't approve, that he had a girlfriend, and that he and Shepard weren't a couple and hadn't been for years. None of it mattered, though. Shepard needed him and hell if he wasn't going to let her know he was there for her.

"Hey, you're not alone," he spoke softly as he powered down his tool and crawled in bed with her, pulling her into his arms.

Welcoming the warmth and safety of his embrace, she allowed herself to break down and sobbed into his chest. "I… I'm not… I'm not fine, Kaidan. I don't think I can do this."

Their biotics washed the tent in blue, reminding him of a time before lies, jealousy, misunderstandings, and other people had come between them. Were they finally getting past all those issues?

"Hey, I've got you." He planted a tender kiss on top of her head. "We'll do whatever you want. If you want to stay here, we'll stay. If you decide to go to the wall, the farm, wherever you want to go, I'll come with you. You won't be alone, okay?"

She tightened her grip on him, breathing in his familiar scent. "Okay."

07/04/2175

Kaidan was woken up by Shepard, always the early-bird, trying to disentangle herself from him so she could get up. His cot was way too small for two people, but they had made it work.

She stopped moving when he met her eyes, then leaned over him and gave him a peck on the cheek. "Morning."

"Morning." He smiled at her and her lips quirked up a bit in response. Waking up by her side felt so damn right.

"So… do you think you can come with me to see the wall?" There was still a hint of uncertainty in her eyes, but it was nothing compared to the state he had found her in last night.

"Of course."

She got out of bed and started to change into her fatigues, not minding that he was in there with her. Still, he didn't feel like it would be right if he looked, so he turned away to give her some privacy.

Only after she was done and out of there, did he get up and change. Then, he met her at the mess tent for breakfast and took the seat opposite to hers that she had saved for him.

On his way to the queue for a morning ration, Private Marsden spotted them. He shot Kaidan a disdainful look and stopped behind Shepard to make a lewd gesture with his hands and crotch.

"Oi, Marsden, cut this shit out and get the fuck in line," Staff Lieutenant Morales bellowed.

"Aye, sir," the private replied, straightening himself up and moving on.

That guy was getting on his nerves and Kaidan was glad for the intervention or he would've ended up getting himself, and probably Shepard too, in trouble. They were not the most in-control biotics out there. She had sent three bullies to the hospital once. And, hell, he had killed one. If Marsden knew their history, he would've thought twice before messing with them.

At least, Shepard didn't seem to have noticed anything, and was just staring pensively at her plate, fidgeting with her food.

When they were done eating, Kaidan went to talk to the Operations Chief about getting a ride to the Memorial Wall, which was located about forty klicks north of the camp. The man said they could use one of his trucks for the day, as long as the sentinel promised to get rid of a virus he had gotten on his terminal without asking any questions or mentioning it to the major. It beat waiting for a ride, so Kaidan agreed.

The wall had been built on the square in front of the cemetery. Like most of the colony, the place was deserted. There wasn't even a store where one could buy flowers or candles to honor the dead. The only people on Mindoir these days were the Alliance, contractors, and the companies that were providing services for them.

After some hesitation, Shepard asked to be alone, so Kaidan just watched her from a distance. She approached the wall slowly, as if she wasn't sure about what she was doing. Then, for a long time, she just stood there with her head down in front of the monument. He couldn't tell if she was praying or just having a hard time gathering up the nerve to look up and read the names. Maybe it was both.

He wondered if there was anything else he could do to help and show his support, or at least to remind her that he was there for her if she needed, but, at the same time, he didn't want to disrespect her request for privacy.

When she finally raised her head, she looked at him and not at the wall. He gave her a nod to encourage her and she nodded back at him before starting to read the names. She didn't need any reminders, he realized; she knew she could count on him.

There were over two thousand names carved on the memorial and he was afraid she was going to hurt herself with the nervous way she kept scratching the scar on her cheek while she searched for the ones she'd gone there to see. When she found them, even from afar, he could see her hands were shaking as she traced them on the metal.

With a shudder she stepped away and started walking at a fast pace towards him.

"Are you okay?" he asked, rushing to meet her halfway.

"It's nothing." She let out a self-deprecating laugh. "I brought this on myself."

"What?"

"Did you know about this? Because you could've told me. A heads up would've been nice." She sounded distressed and was again scratching her scar.

He took her hand in his and pulled her a little closer, so she would stop with the scratching and look at him. "What are you talking about, Shepard?"

"My name. My fucking name is on the fucking wall." Shaking her head, she snorted. "I guess it's fitting."

Kaidan honestly didn't know about that or he would have told her before bringing her here. He had never actually visited the memorial. "Shepard, I… I had no idea. I'm sorry you had to see that."

"Don't be. I'm not that girl anymore." Her eyes shifted to the wall. "Lisa Mae died with her family; it says right there. Some Jane Doe was the only survivor."

"Shepard…"

He wanted to comfort her, but she pulled away from him, taking a few steps back. "I'm fine."

It didn't look like she was, but he knew it was pointless to argue with her about it. "I'll see who I can talk to about getting your name removed."

"No. Leave it. It's not my name anymore. Let her rest with her parents."

"This is not right, Shepard."

"It is. You don't understand." Her eyes narrowed and she shook her head. "You never did."

True; he really didn't. Why would she still want to go by Jane, a name that she was given when she was just another unclaimed and unidentified victim of violence in a hospital bed? "Shepard, it's –"

"I'm not having another argument about this with you, Kaidan. Let's just get out of here," she interrupted him, sounding impatient, angry even.

Great. He had pressed the wrong buttons and now she was upset with him. Years later and that whole issue about her real name was still a sore spot for both of them.

Feeling frustrated, he followed her back to the truck and they just sat there without talking, each looking out their respective side window. After some time, he reached for the MREs he had brought along for the ride and handed her one of the packs. It was a bit early for lunch, but he was already hungry, so she probably was, too. She accepted it and they ate quietly.

When they were done, she broke the silence. "There are no graves."

Kaidan kept his mouth shut and let her talk. Perhaps just listening to her was the best way to go about this.

"There were too many bodies and they had been out in the open for too long, so they had to be piled up and burned. I was still at the hospital when I heard about it." There was a long pause before she continued, "Mom would've preferred a grave. She would've liked the whole family to be buried together."

"Shepard, I'm sorry." Kaidan couldn't stop himself; he felt like he needed to say something.

"Don't. I'm the one who's sorry. I know you were just trying to help, and I shouldn't have snapped like that."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not. You didn't have to be here with me, but here you are anyway. And, I couldn't do this alone. Not yet, not so soon." She sighed sadly. "I sound pathetic, don't I? It's been five years and I still think it's too soon."

"Shepard, I'm not going to pretend I know what you're going through here, but I'm sure there's no time limit for this. If you want to go back to the camp –"

"No." She grimaced and pressed her fingers to her eyes, rocking in place. "I need to see this through. I can't keep having nightmares about this place. I need closure. I need to move on. I'm so damn tired, Kaidan. I need to be able to get a good night's sleep."

"Okay." He offered her his hand and she took it. Tenderly, he stroked her skin with his thumb, giving her a moment to calm down. "Where do you want to go next?"

"The, um..." She swallowed hard, and he squeezed her hand reassuringly. "The farm."