I do not own Avatar or any of its characters.
The Crown Chakra (Part II)
Darkness surrounded him as the heat within him became unbearable. He couldn't do this. He had no hope left. All he could think to do was sleep. You cannot let the fever consume you or like that silver you will be destroyed. Katara's voice penetrated his fevered brain. He had to fight it, yet he felt so lost.
I can't do this, his mind yelled out into the darkness. I can't do this alone. You can do this Zuko. You are not alone. Remember that. No matter what happens, you are not alone in this.
"Katara!" he screamed. His voice seemed to echo through the darkness. "Please don't leave me."
He could feel the tears stream down his face. He didn't want to die. More so, he didn't want to go back to who he was before. He wanted to change so desperately, but his body was exhausted.
I will never leave you. I will always be in your heart. But you must continue on without me for now. When this is over I will be waiting for you.
Clinging to her words he fought the darkness that had enveloped him. He had to finish this. She was waiting for him as was his true destiny. He couldn't give into despair. Uncle was right; hope was something he gave himself.
Pulling himself from his fevered sleep, he awoke to find himself kneeling in front of a grave. Next to him was his uncle. Looking down he realized that this was the grave of his cousin, Lu Ten.
"In all my life nothing has brought me as great a sorrow as losing my son." His uncle said softly. In a voice choked by tears he continued, "I didn't want to live without him. I struggled to find any joy in life. He was everything to me."
Zuko remembered his cousin. He had always looked up to the older boy; had loved him like a brother. His death shook Zuko to the core. From that moment on his own life had seemed to spiral out of control. Lu Ten's death was the defining moment that separated the joy of his childhood from the anguish of his adolescence. Everything in his life changed and he began to turn in on himself; burying his emotions so that he didn't have to feel the pain of his mother's disappearance and his father's rejection.
His uncle continued, "For a while I lived without hope. I embraced the sorrow in my heart and let it consume me. It was a dangerous way to live and a selfish one as well."
"How can being sad be selfish?" Zuko asked.
"It was not the sadness but the despair that I gave into that led me into darkness. My grief was all that mattered anymore. I was so focused on my loss and my needs that I let the world and the needs of those closest to me fall to the wayside." He grew quiet and bowed his head. "I should have been there for you Zuko. I was so consumed with my own grief that I failed to see that you were mourning the loss of your mother. I should have been there to console you, but instead I hid myself away from the pain of living."
"It wasn't your responsibility to guide me through those painful times. My father should have been there for me." He replied bitterly.
"But he wasn't Zuko. I knew how my brother was and I should have come home, but I couldn't."
"But eventually you did."
"Yes, after much soul searching and an encounter with the spiritual realm I finally realized that I was needed back home. But by then the damage had been done. The innocent little boy I had left behind when I started the campaign in Ba Sing Se was gone. You had changed Zuko."
"I grew up Uncle." He stated simply.
"You had hardened your heart and closed yourself of from the joys of this world. That is not a natural part of growing up." Looking up he turned and faced him. Placing his hand on Zuko's shoulder he said, "You used to be able to see the world as it should be. You were unsullied by the madness that had gripped our family. You cared about people Zuko. But Ozai crushed your spirit and drove that compassion deep inside of you. He tried to make you into someone you weren't, and he almost succeeded."
Zuko thought about this chakra and how he couldn't open it. His pride stood in his way and he couldn't let it go. Yet here was his uncle still believing him to be a better person than he was. Uncle saw him with the eyes of an idealist. In reality he was no better than Azula or Ozai.
"He may as well have." He replied bitterly. "I cannot open this chakra."
"You cannot give in to your feelings of self doubt."
"I can't fight this fever Uncle! I can't find the strength to continue. All I want to do is sleep. I'm so tired of fighting for everything that I want."
"Zuko that is what life is about. The things we desire most are never easy to come by. We must work for them. Your destiny is in your reach, but you need to fight for it."
"How can I fight for it when I don't know what it is?"
"It will become apparent to you when you open the chakra."
"But I can't do it Uncle. I can't be something that I'm not. I can't be like you. I don't find joy in simplicity. I am tired of being poor. I don't want to be a refugee. I want my honor restored. I want people to see me as a success, not a constant failure."
"True success cannot be measured by others. It is something realized within your own heart. If you continue to look to the world for approval you will never succeed. You will always come up lacking. True humility is the only way to find peace. By emptying yourself you will be able free yourself from the burdens of this life."
"I don't know how to let it go."
"You must search deep within you. You must return to that innocence that you had before you began to let the world cloud your judgment."
"You make it sound easy."
"Oh it will not be easy, but when you embrace it you will be free."
Zuko stared at his uncle. In his heart he understood what he was saying, but he just didn't feel he had the strength to do it. Closing his eyes he bowed his head in shame.
"Zuko look at me." His uncle commanded. He looked up into his steely gaze. "Do you still have that knife I sent you after I broke through the walls of Ba Sing Se?" He nodded his head. "What did it say on the inscription?"
"Never give up without a fight." He whispered.
"I sent that to you for a reason. You have always been a fighter Zuko. You were from the moment you were born. You had to struggle just to survive your birth and you have struggled to survive your whole life. That is your greatest strength. You never give up. Don't forget that. You are stronger than you think."
Zuko felt himself drifting away from his uncle. Once again he found himself at the Spirit Oasis at the North Pole. His breathing had become labored as he fought hard to hold onto consciousness. Looking around he wondered why he was here. Slowly he crawled over to the small pond within the patch of grass. Gazing into the water he watched the koi fish swimming. He remembered how Zhao had tried to kill the one fish. His uncle had told him that the fish had actually been the Moon Spirit. He remembered the story of the young girl who had given her life back to the spirit so that it could live. Her selfless act had not only given back life to the Moon Spirit, but it had saved her people as well; possibly the whole world if Uncle was correct. He had been awed by the story and wondered why such giving seemed impossible for him.
When had he become so closed off and rigid? Was he truly so selfish that he would put his needs above all others? Of course the answer to that became very clear as he thought back to his efforts to capture the Avatar.
You're a terrible person, you know that? Always following us, hunting the Avatar, trying to capture the world's last hope for peace!
He had been willing to hand the boy over to his father in exchange for his honor. He had put his desires over the needs of the entire world. He had become selfish. Like Uncle had pointed out earlier, he had not always been that way. But then he had put the needs of those soldiers above his own and been severely punished for it. Selflessness had brought him nothing but pain.
Still Iroh had told him to search deep within himself to find what he was looking for. Though Azula had thrown the many months he had spent on the run in his face, he knew that his experiences had changed him. He may not have embraced his station in life or the poverty they lived in, but he had begun to see something more in the people he encountered day to day.
His mind went back to the boy Lee that he met while traveling alone. The child had touched him in a way he couldn't explain. He thought back to that night when Lee had taken his broad swords. If that had happened before he became a refugee he would have punished the boy for the theft. But instead he found himself following the child, eager to see what he would do. As he had watched him try to use the swords he was overwhelmed with a sense of protectiveness, and a desire to help. Teaching Lee the proper use of his weapons had given him a feeling that he had not felt in years. It brought him great pleasure to share his knowledge with the child and yet not expect anything in return. And yet in the end he found that the child's simple smile brought him joy enough.
It had been that way with Jen too. He had been so apprehensive about their date that night, and the awkwardness that followed was excruciating. But her eagerness to share something special to her made him feel good inside. He found her carefree nature infectious, so much so that when they discovered the fountains were not lit he wanted nothing more than to ease her disappointment. Lighting the candles surrounding the fountain was probably one of the most foolish things he had ever done. If he had been caught he could have faced execution, but his need to see her smile again outweighed the risks. Without thought of his own safety he had gone ahead and lit the lamps, and the joy he saw reflected in her eyes made him feel a sense of pride quite different from the arrogance he held as a royal.
Those days in Ba Sing Se had seen many changes in him, but nothing as unexpected as his freeing of the Avatar's bison. His uncle's lecture and then plea for him to look inside himself and find what it was he wanted had affected him more than he expected. Of course freeing the animal had not only gone against his very nature but it had started him down this spiritual journey. The experience had changed him, or so he thought. Coming face to face with Azula in the caverns beneath Ba Sing Se had undermined any confidence he felt in himself. She had played right into his sense of pride, his need to restore his honor, and his desire to return home a hero. And he had followed her blindly.
Why was it that he couldn't fight her? She always knew what to say to make him doubt himself. Even now she had swayed him from his course. She had kindled in him a feeling of hopelessness and despair, and he had let it spread like wildfire.
He thought back to what Uncle had said earlier about innocence and emptying himself of life's burdens. He realized that Azula had in effect lied to him again. She had equated humility to humiliation. She knew how much he hated to fail and she knew that he would rise to her bait if she played that up. But now he was suddenly able to see through that. Yes his experiences as a refugee had been humiliating. Being treated so poorly by those around him had brought about an anger and frustration that he had never experienced before. People looked at his station in life and not at him. He had become just another beggar; just one more refugee like thousands of others. But he was more than that; he had dreams and desires that drove him forward, only they were lost in his outward appearance.
He could see now that he had spent much of his life sharing those views. He had seen people not as individuals but as labels. Katara had been a peasant for a long time in his mind. He refused to see her as she was; a sister, a daughter; a bender, a healer, and a strong person. Aang had always been the Avatar. He never given much thought to the boy's life in the air temples or the people he would have loved and cared for. Not only had he become self centered as he moved into adolescence, but he had become prejudiced as well.
He remembered Uncle's explanation of the four elements and their peoples. All were unique, yet they relied on each other for balance and harmony. By cutting himself off from that he had become rigid. He had lost the ability to see people as anything more than numbers to be conquered. But his time on the run had changed that. Only Azula couldn't see that. She had appealed to his lack of understanding and had almost succeeded in destroying all that he had worked for.
He thought back to Roku's warning to Sozen all those years ago. Your pride will be your downfall as it will be for all generations to come. Complete humility will be your only savior. The Avatar had been talking about a false sense of pride. It was more an arrogance that blinded men from seeing the world and others as they truly were. Pride in itself, he realized, was not a bad thing. He could feel satisfaction in a job well done, and still be humble. Humility did not mean he had to lose himself. Instead it enabled him to see the strengths and weaknesses in all those around him. He could appreciate what made each person unique and in that appreciation he would find the patience that Katara had talked about. He understood that even though he was born into royalty he was no better than anyone else.
He felt as if blinders had been removed from his eyes. Suddenly he understood what Uncle had meant by returning to the innocence of his youth. As a child he had seen people as they were, and even though he was taught to view them by their station, whether they be servant or nobleman, he could still appreciate them as individuals. It was that ability that had separated him from Azula as a child. Once she realized her abilities, she had started to treat people differently. Maybe it was his struggles with bending that made him appreciate those around him. Maybe that was what enabled him to feel compassion. But as he grew that compassion had been seen as weakness and his innocence was snuffed out the moment he discovered his mother was gone. He had hardened his heart and by doing so he had disconnected himself from his fellow man.
He thought back to his reflection in the mirror from earlier. It had frightened him; the thought of losing who he was. But he had misunderstood, as had Azula. Looking through eyes blinded by arrogance he could only see what he had to lose. But now he saw it differently. Aang was still a child, both physically and emotionally. And though the responsibilities of his position as avatar was slowly taking its toll on him, he still possessed a certain joy and innocence that enabled him to value all those around him. It was that same joy and innocence that Zuko had abandoned all those years ago. The image was more a reminder of what he could be, not of what he had to lose.
As he let go of his fears and his prejudices he could start to see what Iroh had also meant by emptying himself. By letting go of these things he could empty himself of his worldly attachments. He could be humble and not have to lose himself in the process. He could also let go of his arrogance and still feel pride.
As he knelt by the koi pond he felt the fever start to completely consume him, but he knew that it was necessary. All these impurities within his soul had kept him from opening the chakra, and now that he could identify them he could let them go. He could finally be free of what attached him to this world. Suddenly he felt a coolness envelope him and he realized that the fever had left him. Like the silver that Katara had mentioned earlier, he had been purified.
The scene around him fell away and he found himself back where he had begun this journey earlier today. But as he looked out into the nighttime sky he was awed by what he saw. It was as if the stars in the heavens had come down to touch the earth. Never had he witnessed anything like it. He wondered if he reached up would he actually be able to touch them.
As he stood there he felt a rush much stronger than any he had ever experienced opening the previous chakras. He had done it. He had opened them all. As he continued to gaze out at the stars he realized that the people of the world were one and that he was one with them. The sense of being on the outside looking in left him, and for the first time in a long time he felt that he belonged. His destiny became clear to him and he knew what he had to do.
Basking in the glow of his success he noticed an animal approaching him. As it drew nearer he saw that it was a dragon, a blue dragon. But somehow this dragon was different from the one earlier. Instinctively he knew that the coloring on this animal was due to its residence within the Spirit World. Just as he realized that, he understood that this was Avatar Roku's dragon, his animal guide.
The dragon stopped in front of him and Zuko wondered what it wanted from him. Reaching out with one of its whiskers it touched him on the forehead. Zuko felt himself being propelled forward in time. Different scenes flashed before him in what seemed like seconds.
He saw himself training with Aang and Katara, preparing for the battle with the Fire Lord. He felt a new confidence in his abilities as a bender. Having opened the chakras had indeed helped him to gain more control over his bending.
Next he found himself within Ozai's throne room. His body felt battered and broken. He sat against a wall as his father approached him. His mind registered that this was the end. His father was going to kill him. At that moment Aang interceded and Zuko watched as Ozai met his own end instead.
Suddenly he was standing beside his father's funeral pyre. As the fire was ignited the crown that he wore was placed upon his uncle's head. Iroh had finally ascended to the throne that had been his birthright all along.
Again he raced forward. He found himself in command of a large army as they prepared to start their campaign to take back Ba Sing Se from Azula. Beside him was Katara, her brother, the earth bender Toph, and the Avatar. As the battle ensued he saw the city fall, as well as his sister. The war was officially over. The nations were free.
He then saw himself with his new friends returning to the South Pole. He watched as Katara was reunited with her family. His joy at her reunion was only dampened by the knowledge that he would be parting ways with her for a while. His life was tied to the Avatar for now and there was still much to be accomplished to bring about peace.
Time elapsed and once again he found himself back in the South Pole. Only this time he had returned with one goal in mind. Grasped in his hand was the necklace he had crafted for Katara. Made from amber, it bore the image of the water tribe on the front and an image of Agni on the back. The dragon could be seen almost as if in union with the moon and water on the front. He presented it to her and she tearfully accepted.
Moving forward again he saw himself on his wedding day. As he caught a glimpse of Katara he felt his heart leap in his chest. He loved her so much and the thought that she desired to make a life with him made him happier than he could ever had imagined.
Finally he found himself with Katara. She was exhausted from the day, but as she looked into his eyes she had a sparkle that he had never seen before. Her joy was written all over her face. Softly she said, "Zuko, I present to you your son." Looking into the face of his child he understood her joy. His life felt so complete and he suddenly realized that he had accomplished much more than opening the chakras. He had guaranteed a world at peace for his son to grow up in.
Suddenly he felt himself being pulled back into his body. As Roku's dragon disappeared he felt all the things that he had seen start to fade as well. Desperately he tried to cling to them, but it was no use. They were gone and all that remained was a feeling akin to hope within his heart. He had something to strive for even if he couldn't remember it.
Opening his eyes he looked into the smiling gaze of the guru. "Welcome back Prince Zuko. You were gone for quite some time."
He let out an exhausted sigh and then smiled. "I did it. I opened the chakra."
"It would appear so." The old man said kindly.
Zuko stared at Guru Pathik for a moment and then said, "I also know what I have to do. I understand my destiny. I know why I had to open these chakras in order to face it."
The guru continued to smile and said, "You have worked hard to accomplish this task. Facing your destiny should be a little easier now."
"I hope so!" he laughed. And then more somberly he said, "I guess this is where we part ways."
"It would seem that way." The old man said.
Zuko suddenly felt a deep sense of loss. "Will we ever see each other again?"
The guru's gaze became distant. "Just as you are discovering your destiny, I am fulfilling mine." Looking back at Zuko he continued, "I am an old man and have lived a life full of many joys and sorrows. I waited a hundred years for Aang to return and subsequently for you to arrive. My time here is finished."
Zuko felt a sorrow deep in his soul. He wasn't prepared for this. He had grown attached to this man and his ways. "So this is goodbye?"
"For now." The old man simply replied. "But we will meet again someday."
Zuko rose and bowed to the guru. "Thank you. I cannot begin to express my gratitude."
"Sometimes the simplest responses say it all."
"I guess I should go find Aang." He said.
"That would be best."
Zuko started to walk away. Stopping he turned back and said, "I'm going to miss this time together."
The guru returned his smile and replied, "As will I."
With that Zuko continued on ready to face his destiny.
A.N. I spent most of yesterday trying to finish this chapter. By the time I completed it it was late and my brain was fried. I waited to post it so that I could reread it after a night's rest. Once again how I envisioned it was different than how it played out - slightly. I hope it doesn't seem rushed. I really wanted to do it right.
Of course it may seem odd to have what seems like an epilogue when I still have five or so chapters to go. I wanted Zuko to have hope and I liked the idea of peeking into his future.
Thanks to soupcan who reminded me to not lose Zuko in the process. I hope I made the distiction betwen pride and arrogance make sense.
And in response to taffy 0823, the fluff is to come!
I hope you enjoyed it. I never meant to leave anyone hanging. Thanks to all who reviewed. I hope this chapter does the other justice.