Sam

Please excuse my shaking hand. We are travelling now.

I wandered lost after my Fall. It was difficult to adjust to the limited scale and confining range of my existence. Do you understand? From when you were filled with Grace?

I could smell the forest and feel the ground under my feet. But I could not tell where I was in space-time. I had heard your metaphor 'the silence was deafening'. It is true. The wind, the river, the birdsong were drowned out by the absence of the celestial choir. I was - I am human. I was and am Silence. The voices of my brethren are lost to me. I wished I knew if you had survived. If Dean had saved you. I worried endlessly that one or both of you may have died.

When Dean came for me, I wanted to be able to speak to ask about you. When I knew you lived a joy blossomed in my chest. You are my true friend. Sometimes I believe you have a greater understanding of me than Dean. I think of how you forgave and accepted me after I broke your wall and how kind you have been to me, oft when I did not deserve it. I am shamed when I think back on our first meeting, your honest Faith meeting my indoctrinated blinkered vision, seeing you as an abomination. Much has changed. You have grown into a mature heroic and honorable man, despite my desecration of your mind. Those months, Sam, when I took on your Hell scars – they purified me. I realize that they interfered in some way with the control Naomi held over my will. When they took me from Purgatory she had to resort to extreme measures in her efforts to prevent my disobedience and freedom to choose.

But I digress. Maybe not. What I have written leads me to when I finally broke free. She commanded me to kill Dean. I could not. The sight of his eyes pleading with me as I drove my fist into his face... You will understand, I know, that he pleaded not for his own life. He begged me to come back to him.

Sam. I love your brother in a way I have never loved another. More than life, more than my life, more than Heaven. I will always choose him. I have duties, as you both have your responsibilities, but before we reunite, I wish to reassure you that Dean is my first priority, just as you will always be his.

.~0~.

I apologize for the smear of blood on the reverse of this sheet. It is from the attack which Dean has now told you about on the cell phone. We will see you soon and I will allow Dean time to take you aside and tell you how we have acknowledged and commenced a mutual physical expression of our bond. I have watched him during our journey and know he has fretted and tormented his soul in contemplation of doing what I believe is termed 'coming out' to you. Although I now too am fixed as a male homo sapiens sapiens, I continue to think in terms of souls. I hope your reception of us will not be constrained by our shared gender.

.~0~.

Dean was here. He brought me my coat.
I am heavy with disappointment. When you showed me to my room I was cold from overhearing your attack on Dean. I put my hand in my pocket to give you the pages that I had written but you were so intent on laying down your law and criticizing me that I stayed my hand.

I am not using Dean as a 'sop to my neediness'. He is not using me to 'get off his blue balls'. I will not 'drop him like a hot potato'. Fueled by your anger you denied me the right to reply. I understand you are concerned. You are entitled to be. Dean is your family. I am the interloper. You have genuine suspicions. I vow to you that I do not intend to hurt your brother. I will do everything in my power to ensure we spend the rest of our lives together, if he wants me. If by some unforeseen hand I regain my Grace, and the host regains access to Heaven, then duty will call me, but I will not abandon Dean. I will always return to him, and I will not take off for 'freaking months without a word'. Dean will remain the centre of my life.

.~0~.

Dean is in the shower now. You acted in a more reasonable manner while we had our pie. Dean's hand hovered over my leg but he took it back when you came in from cleaning the kitchen. I understand you have been stunned and perhaps disturbed by our relationship. I plead with you to be careful with Dean. He takes to heart every word you utter. Please consider how any rejection of us, and by association his sexual identity, will cut him to the core. I can no longer attempt to divine your thoughts. Do you think I fundamentally altered your brother to have feelings for the male form? I will not breach Dean's privacy with details but when I rebuilt him, his life was revealed to me. I am not the first man Dean has cared for or enjoyed. Although he seldom allowed expression of these desires due to your father's disapproval and the hunter world. Dean is one who takes pleasure in flesh that attracts him regardless of gender. I ask you to disregard our chromosomes. I do not believe you hold such prejudices but it is difficult to process any profound change in a loved one's life.

I must finish. He is before me now, glorious and warm.

I hope you can believe every word was written in honesty and with vast regard for you Sam. You have accepted me before into your family. Please accept me as your brother's partner.

Castiel

++++++++++++SPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPN+++++++++++++

The pages fluttered to the floor.

Dean crouched to retrieve them. He understood Sam's ugly crying face, apology and vow that he believed Cas.

His hands shook. He abandoned the effort and retook his place on Sam's bed.

He looked at his boots and the blue lined pages filled with Castiel's tight neat script.

Some awareness made him look to the door.

Castiel appeared smiling and holding up a Samsung Galaxy box. Then his face switched to one of concern when he saw Dean's distress.

Dean recognized the flash of crushing disappointment, when Castiel's eyes fell on the pages scattered on the floor.

Then any evidence of Castiel's emotions vanished. With a blank face he turned away.