Lil was playing out in the yard, and Cas couldn't help it, he had to clean up the trailer a bit. He had told himself that it would be best if he just left it a little messy for Dean. He had thought that maybe it would let Dean feel like it was his place to fix or change as he saw fit. He just couldn't let it be though. The place needed more order, more attention. He turned on the little portable stereo and began spraying down every surface with cleaner. Lil popped in and watched him a bit then plunked herself down in the bench seat that was a part of the dinette. "You want me to clean the table?" She looked up at Cas and held out her hand for the supplies.
"Sure, munchkin." He tossed her a rag and sprayed some of the cleaner on the table.
She whipped the rag back and forth across the table in long sweeping arcs. "Are you and Dean still fighting?" She cocked her head to the side and looked at him steadily.
Cas turned back to the counter that he had been wiping down before and answered, "Not really. We just have some adult stuff that needs to be worked out."
"So, is he still your boyfriend?" Her question was innocent enough, but he didn't want to answer it. The real answer was probably no, and had probably been no for a long time.
"I don't know how to answer you, Lil. When we moved here, Dean and I were not really a couple anymore. I still loved him and I think that he loved me, but we were not together, so…"
"Do you have to be with someone all of the time to be their boyfriend?" She was still wiping the table, but her efforts had slowed.
"No, but Dean and I had a bit of an agreement that we would each move on separately." Cas felt weird saying it out loud, because it wasn't really how things went for either of them, but it was what they had agreed to, sort of.
"So, does this mean that you might start calling Mr. B your boyfriend now?" Cas stopped wiping down the counters and turned to her.
"That is not my plan." He watched her take that in and then sat across from her. Her face did not show approval or disapproval. It made him wonder. "Do you like Mr. B?"
"Mr. B is cool. His class is fun."
"Do you mind that he comes around and spends time with me?" Cas wasn't sure why he was asking. He supposed that it mattered what Lil thought about the people in his life even if they were just friends.
"I like Dean better." She looked up at Cas then and added, "But if you like Mr. B that is okay too."
As if that had been his cue, Cas heard Carter's voice from outside call out. "Hey, anybody home?"
"We're in here." Cas got up and pushed the door open, and Carter came over.
"Hey there you two." Carter stepped in and surveyed the place. "Looks nice in here. You've done a good job."
"Yeah, I think that it might actually be habitable." Cas ran a hand up through his hair and surveyed the place a little, mentally noting what still needed to be done. "So, you just in the neighborhood?"
"A little. Actually, I was hoping to convince you to come out with me tonight." Carter seemed like he was trying to look casual.
"I think that I have a lot more to do tonight." Cas evaded.
"Well, I just so happen to have movie tickets already, and I would hate to have them go to waste." He paused a beat then added, "If I remember right, you said that you wanted to work on friendships, and this is totally something that a friend would do." He smiled at Cas then and it was a little endearing. The corners of his eyes crinkled up a little and Cas almost relented. Then he looked over at Lil.
"Hey Lil, would you mind giving Mr. B and I a moment to talk?" She got up then and took his cleaner and rag. "What are you going to do with that?"
"I'm going to clean the bathroom counter while you talk." Lil strolled off with the items and closed the door behind her.
The two of them laughed a little at her. "So, what do you say, Mal?" The two of them had discussed the name issue and had concluded that his alias should continue to be the name that Carter used. Better safe than sorry.
"I don't let anyone babysit Lil. I worry too much. There is a lot of danger out there and I just don't trust anyone to be able to handle it. So, I don't think that I'll be able to go with you."
Carter shuffled about a little in the doorway then said, "So, I kind of thought that you might say that, so I asked Garth if he would be willing to watch Lil. Now, I know that this is totally presumptuous of me, but I bet he could handle it if you just let him."
"He said yes?" Cas was already thinking that this might not be a bad idea.
"Totally, although he said that he didn't think that you would be interested in his watching Lil. He seems to be rather discouraging lately where I am concerned." Carter leaned back against the wall a little, seeming to pick up confidence in the moment.
"Okay. I'll go, but only for the movie. I don't want to be out too late." Cas sounded a little resigned, but Carter popped up from the wall with a little excitement evident in the move. Cas had to smile a little at that. It felt quite nice to have someone getting so giddy over just a movie with him. "Don't go making a big deal out of it though. Friends, right?"
"Besties, Mal." Carter started out the door. "I'm going to get while the getting is good. Don't want you to change your mind. I'll be back to get you around 6:30. Show's at 7:00."
"Okay. I'll be sure to talk with Garth. See you then." He gave Carter a little wave and turned back to his work. He felt a happy little stirring in his stomach, but then he looked around the trailer. He let his mind wander a bit over the space that would be Dean's, and he closed his eyes in thought over what it would mean to have him here, and what it would mean to be a friend to another man that clearly wanted more.
Garth had been fine with the arrangements. He only harassed Cas a little about the situation. "So, you really think that you should be encouraging him?" Garth had asked.
Cas blew it off as best he could. He didn't want to think about it too much. He really just wanted to not wallow too much in his own sea of depressing thoughts. He kept busy with Dean's trailer and let Lil distract him a bit. They went on a little run along the lake and chose to make the trek back a walk. "So, are you going on a date tonight?"
"Nope." He answered Lil quickly. She stared at him like she doubted him so he added. "Mr. B and I are friends and sometimes friends like to hang out, watch movies, eat meals together. You know?"
"I like to do that stuff with Dela."
"Yes, you do. This is sort of the same kind of thing." Cas was grateful for the comparison. It seemed to make things easier to explain and a whole lot more innocent.
"It is different though." She stooped down and picked a flowering weed from the path.
"How so?" Cas tipped a glance her way as they walked.
"He likes you more." She didn't pause or even look at him when she said it. It was just a statement of fact for her.
"Hmm. You may be right about that, but I am just looking for friendship, so yeah." Cas could see their house again and parked in front of it was Garth's very beat up, old Honda Civic. It was grey, and when Garth would get out of it, it reminded Cas of a clown car. It was too small for someone as tall as Garth, and the early 1980's styling of the car gave it the shape of a squat rollerskate.
Garth was already out of the car and leaning up against the front end. He threw a little wave their way and Lil sprinted off toward him. "Hey Garth!" She hollered.
"Hey yourself, little missy." He tossed back at her as she slammed a hug into him. He scooped her up and swung her into the air. "Are we going to have fun or what?"
She laughed as he swung her around in a circle before putting her back on solid ground. Cas reached over and gave him a little pat on the shoulder. "So, you sure this is okay?"
"Are you?" Garth smiled a half grin at him.
"I think that you are capable of handling yourself. You passed the Dean test too, so I'm guessing that you know some self-defence and such." Cas gave a little nod toward the house and directed them in. As soon as he had unlocked the door, Lil bounded past them.
"I'm going to get a snack," she said as she burst through the door, making her way to the kitchen.
"So, when is Dean getting here?" Garth plopped down onto the couch and looked like he was completely at home.
"Tomorrow or the next day, I think. I haven't really gotten an absolute date from him concerning his arrival. He just said it would be a couple of days."
"When did you talk to him?"
"Last night."
"So, go out with Carter tonight. See Dean tomorrow. If I didn't know better, I might think you were a bit of a hussy, Cas." Garth laughed at his shocked expression.
"Just friends, Garth. Just friends. I actually took your advice. You said that I need to work on that part of my relationships, so I am trying. It seems to be going well for me. Uriel and Gabe seem happier with the new arrangement. Gabe even sent me random porn." Cas wandered over to his room, intending to get changed for his not date.
"Random porn?"
"Don't ask. It is a weird little quirk of his. He always sends it with baby animal subject lines so they are pretty easy to recognize without the viewing." Cas laughed a little as he said it. "Actually, they really aren't so easy to recognize without the viewing."
"You did more than just read the subject line huh?" Garth laughed at him a little more.
"Yeah, and let me just say that some things can't be unseen." He shuddered a little. "It's Gabe's way of showing affection. Sometimes he sends legitimate information under the baby animal subject line. He does it just enough to trick me nearly every time." He turned back to his path and tossed back, "I'm just going to be a sec. I need to change."
"Do whatever. I'm officially on baby sitter duty as of now." With that Cas sealed himself off in his room and changed into jeans and a grey tee shirt that he found at the bottom of his drawer. He wanted to look casual, not like he was trying too hard. He looked himself over in the mirror and ran his hand through his hair. He tried to flatten it a little. He considered taking a shower, but he hadn't run hard enough to really kick up a sweat since Lil was with him. It seemed unnecessary, and it was already 6:00. He made his way back out to the kitchen and put together a sandwich. He took it over to the couch where Lil and Garth were already seated.
"So, I left you money on the counter. You can order pizza for the two of you. Lil likes to eat by 7:00, so you should put in for it soon." Cas wolfed down the sandwich and wiped off his mouth quickly. Then all he could do was wait. He didn't like feeling this anxious. He turned to Garth who was quietly flipping through a magazine and said, "So, if anything comes up, and I do mean anything, you call me. I'll come home right away."
"Cas, stop worrying. It'll be fine." He smiled over at Lil, who was sitting next to him. "Is your dad always like this?"
"Yeah, he's a worrywart." Cas got up and ruffled her hair. It was getting closer to 6:30. He walked over to the kitchen and put his plate in the sink.
"Howdy, howdy." Carter's voice tumbled through the door with jolly foreboding. Maybe I should just back out. This is a bad idea. Then Cas turned from the table and looked at him.
"Hey, Carter." Garth gave him a little wave as he came in the front door.
"Hey yourself, Garth." Carter strolled in, seeming like he was ready to go already. "You set, Cas?"
"Um, yeah. I just need to grab a coat." He walked over to the coat rack by the door and Carter surprised him with a hug. It was quick and done. Cas stepped back and smiled a little. He pulled the coat down and put it on. "You look nice. Not use to seeing you in these kinds of casual clothes." He was wearing jeans and a white button up shirt tucked into his pants.
"I dress casual all of the time." Carter laughed at him and added, "Come on. We don't want to miss the previews." Carter reached out and directed Cas out the door.
Cas looked back at Garth. "So, really do text if anything goes awry." He turned to Lil and said, "And you be good. Come give me a hug." She popped up off of the couch and hugged the side of his hip. He leaned down and kissed her mop of blonde hair. "Love you, munchkin."
"Love you too, dad."
The movie wasn't all that great. It was a mystery, and Cas hated mysteries. What made it worse was that it was a messy mystery. It didn't wrap up all neat and tidy. It left him with a sour taste in his mouth. "So, you didn't like it?" Carter said while raising a hand to Cas' lower back as they walked across the parking lot.
"I wouldn't say that so much." He glanced over at Carter's face in the soft glow of the street lamps. He was pleasant and warm at his side. "I just like a certain level of resolution in my movies. Real life has enough chaos, ya know."
"I don't know. I kind of liked the way it ended. Not everything is so clean." They got to the car and Carter unlocked it with his remote. "I don't think that there was any other way that it could have ended. Plus, you gotta love the eye candy."
"Well, there was that." Cas smiled a little at that. The lead actor looked a little like his type of guy, sandy hair, tall. He was fairly certain that Carter had not made the same connections that Cas had to the actor.
"So, I may be pressing my luck, but do you want to go get a bite to eat before we go back to your place?" Carter hadn't pulled out of the parking space yet.
"I think that this is about all of the separation from Lil that I can handle at present. This was kind of a big deal."
Carter pulled out of the parking slot, and said, "Well, I feel down right honored that you chose to take the big step with me."
"You hardly gave me a choice. I couldn't leave you hanging." Cas smiled over at him and felt happy with the progression of the evening. "If you are hungry, I can throw something together back at my place, or we could eat the leftover pizza that Garth and Lil will likely have."
"That sounds like a good plan." Carter drove for a time and they did not speak for a few moments. "Do you worry when you drop her off at school?"
"Why do you think that I volunteer so much? I've also found ways to be in very close proximity of the school everyday. I can see the school from the legal aid, and the Music Depot is on the other side." Cas felt a little funny admitting to just how much effort he had been putting into watching over Lil. He thought that it might sound ridiculous to Carter, like an overreaction, but he didn't care.
"Here I thought that you just volunteered to spend more time with yours truly." Carter laughed a little.
Cas didn't say anything about that, but instead chose to talk about the greater issue."The things that happened to us back there, before. I can't let it happen again. She is the most important thing. I had to make choices though. She has to go to school and have a life. The close proximity thing that I do while she is in school is taxing. I worry the whole time. I feel like I am constantly watching for something, anything that is off. The volunteering time is the only time that is not worrisome."
He glanced over at Carter and saw that his face fell a little in the dark car. He was serious now. "You know Mal, I wouldn't let any harm come to her, to any of those kids."
"I know. Until very recently, though, you did not even know that there was anything to worry over. I can't really rely on anyone where she is concerned. No one really gets it, what it was like to watch him hurt her. I was powerless, and I wasn't with her when he found her at Sam's place. So, even just this little outing is huge. I can't make it a habit, though. Hope you understand." Cas wanted him to see that it was about the stress of the past, the never knowing what was around the corner. He didn't expect Carter's response though.
"With Dean moving here, will that change things? I mean, if he is watching her, would you still be afraid to go out without her?" Carter's posture was tense as if he didn't like to dive into the subject of Dean, which made sense.
"I think that it might be awkward to ask Dean to watch my daughter while we go to a movie, just saying." Cas had to laugh a little at the idea.
"Yeah, I guess that might be weird." Carter loosened up a little as he drove. "We will still hang out, though, right?"
"Of course." Cas reached over gave his shoulder a squeeze. "We are friends, and I don't want to lose that."
"Friends that have kissed. Friends that are a little more than friends, Mal." Carter turned to him, and the look practically dared him to contradict it. Even as he turned back to the road, Cas still felt the look burning into him.
"That was a mistake. I shouldn't have lead you on knowing that I had so much that was complicated in my life. I should have been open and honest with you. I'm sorry."
"Damnit Mal." Carter pulled over. They were not far from his home. The deep woodlands framed the road making it country dark. Cas felt his heartbeat stutter a little. Carter never got mad. It was startling to hear this tone coming from him. He put the car in park and turned to him. "I'm in love with you, Cas, Mal, whatever your stupid name is. I'm in love with you. When we kissed you felt something too. Now, I'm not so full of myself as to think that you love me or whatnot, but you felt something, and it damn sure wasn't just friendship."
Cas sat there, heart pounding, hands clenched into fists. He didn't know how to respond. He wanted to get out and walk the rest of the way home which was a feeling in direct contrast to his desire to throw himself across the seat into what would likely be a very passionate kiss. He hated to admit, even just to himself how much he liked intensity in his men. Carter was certainly intense. Even in the dark, Cas could see a fiery glint to his eyes. "You're right, I'm not in love with you, but you do things to me. You make me forget the bad stuff. You make me feel desirable. I am shocked on a near daily basis when I think that anyone would want this." He waved his hands about, signifying himself."
"You're fucking gorgeous, you idiot." Carter huffed as he turned away from Cas to look out the window.
Cas felt the warm spread of embarrassment run up to his face. "Kissing you is easy. Sleeping with you would be too. I've thought about it, but you would never have what you deserve. I don't think that I could live with myself for taking that chance away from you, just so that I could have some fun."
"It wouldn't just be that, and you know it. You'd come to love me in time. Some part of me thinks that maybe you love me enough. I'm okay with being loved as just a little more than a friend. If it means I get to keep you, I'm in. I want you, Cas. I want you so much, I can barely think of anything else. It's killing me." He made the move across the space between their seats, leaning into Cas' side of the car. He kissed him hard. He pulled Cas to him, running his hands around Cas' back. Cas didn't resist. He accepted it. He wanted it. The feeling of being chosen, wanted, needed so desperately. He had craved that and here it was pressed into him. All of that longing and need pulling at his lip, sliding past teeth, vying for contact and more.
The low moan that escaped him as Carter angled himself more deeply into his mouth was all the encouragement that Carter seemed to need. His hands came around to the front of his pants. Cas felt him fumbling with the button and the fly. He felt the pressure of his hands rubbing him through his jeans. Cas moved his own hands up to Carter's chest then lower, pulling his shirt out of his pants. He ran his hands up under the shirt over his sides and up his chest. The ridges of muscles felt taut. He wanted to feel them with his lips. He could barely concentrate on that though as Carter's hand finally made it past his jeans. Headlights rounded the distant turn in the road and illuminated the interior of the car from behind. Cas stiffened a little and moved back from Carter. Carter retreated a little too. The car shot by, and they stared at each other in the darkness that returned to them.
"I should be getting home to Lil," Cas finally said.
"You sure?" Carter's hands snaked back over to his thigh.
Cas picked it up and kissed it. "I'm sure." He released his hand and began straightening out his clothes.
"Raincheck?" Carter smirked.
Cas felt like he was back in control of himself. There would be no more teenaged groping in the car. "I meant what I said before."
"Me too. There's no sense in just wanting all the time. We can give each other so much if you just let it happen."
"Take me home, Carter." Cas looked straight ahead now, and Carter started the car. They drove the rest of the way in silence. When they got to the house, Carter got out and met Cas on his side of the car.
"I think I'm going to call it a night, Cas, unless you say point blank that you want me to come in. I would come in, and I would be happy, if you just say the word." Carter ran his hand up Cas' arm. Cas looked up at him and felt the stirring again. He leaned his head down onto Carter's chest for just a moment and felt Carter's hand running along to his back. He didn't linger there long though. He stepped back and made his way toward the steps. Carter did not follow him.
"I think that I should just call it a night, Carter." He threw a glance back at him, but couldn't maintain the look. "I need to sort my stuff out. I hope you understand."
"When you change your mind, call me. I can be back here in less than ten minutes." Carter did not break his gaze, and Cas felt the intensity of the moment building. "Goodnight." Then Carter turned back to his car and left. Cas wondered if he had made a mistake. He chose though, and now he would find a way to live with it, or maybe he would cave and call him in the night. Maybe.
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The term affabile means: in a pleasant or friendly tone. Piacere is pleasure. In music it implies that the performer can do as he/she pleases without following an expected pattern or plan.
AN: Thank you all for the reviews. Hey Mummabro, I thought that it was you, but didn't want to assume ;P Glad you approve of Donna. I just really liked her in the series and wanted to find some way of throwing her in here, even if it is just a small role. Also, thanks for telling me about the Painted Angels fic. I'm enjoying it and bought a printed copy. It'll be fun to read it again in print. Igniting and Catrimc, glad you like Carter. I didn't want him to be unlikable. After all, Cas seems to like him a little, so he can't be that bad:P On that note though, I totally get why you don't like him rainystv. He is totally getting in the way of good things. I'm glad that you liked the hope line. I was pleased with how that bit of dialogue turned out. 'Till Monday, unless I get super productive (not likely). The next chapter is long like this one. Hope that makes up for the limited updates.