A/N: The hidden picnic.
We're Going on a Picnic Part IV
Greetings people of E-arth! This is BLEACH Weekly Tabloid saying our issues are so out of order, even this professional ventriloquist couldn't help us!
Byakuya Kuchiki: I am not a ventriloquist.
BWT: You lied to us!
BK: …
BWT: Anyways, the results from the poll are in, and we decided to—!
The door to Ichigo's room flies open and in stomps more happy campers!
Keigo Asano: Hello! Hello! Bring out the ladies because Keigo is here!
BWT: He uses more exclamation marks than us!
BK: …
Sentaro Kotsubaki: What's this I hear about women?
Renji Abarai: Shouldn't you be taking care of your boss or fighting with your girlfriend?
SK: He's not my boss and she is my girlfriend! Er, no, wait that's not right what I meant was—!
BWT: It's canon now!
RA: But seriously why are you here?
SK: I earned this vacation as a special privilege for all my hard work! Which really makes me wonder why you're here, seeing as how you never follow orders.
RA: Hey! I work hard all the time!
SK: For yourself maybe. You're really selfish you know that?
Yumichika Ayasegawa: I second that.
BWT: Hey look, more obscure people!
YA: I'm not obscure you just haven't featured me in your magazine yet! But never fear, I'll make this magazine beautiful!
RA: Yeah, you'll also make it g—.
SK: Renji! That's no way to speak to a lady!
RA: What? I was going to say 'great,' and Yumichika is a guy.
SK: Holy [censor]! She—I mean—he is?
YA: Of course I am! Isn't it obvious?
SK: Uh, so anyways, why are we here?
Suddenly the closet door flies open and a very angry soul reaper jumps out.
Rukia Kuchiki: Who the [censor] are you people? And why are you meeting here of all places? I'm trying to [censor] sleep!
To everyone's surprise a more handsome form of Ichigo crashed through the window, landing gracefully on his feet! What a dreamboat!
Kaien Shiba: Now, now Rukia is that any way to talk to your superiors?
RK: Oh, it's you.
KS: W-what? Why the cold shoulder Rukia?
BWT: This is awkward!
KA: Well, you did stab her in Hueco Mundo.
Everyone turns to look at the single human in the room.
SK: H-how do you know about that? I barely know about that and I'm practically a captain's assistant!
KA: It's on Adult Swim, like, every Saturday.
BWT: No! The wall! The precious, precious wall!
BK: …
A tumbleweed blows through the room as old western music starts playing somewhere in the background!
BWT: Uh-oh!
KA: What's uh-oh? And where's that music coming from? Oh gawsh the voices! They're back for me!
All: …
Suddenly the door is blown off its hinges, taking out yet another window!
Quick, pop quiz! How many windows have we broken since the start of this magazine?
BK: Aizen.
Sosuke Aizen: Byakuya. Rukia.
RK: Aizen. Kaien.
KS: Rukia. Renji.
RA: Kaien. Gin.
Gin Ichimaru: Renji. Grimmjow.
Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez: Gin. Uliquiorra.
Uliquiorra Cifer: Grimmjow. Yumichika.
YA: Uliquiorra. Keigo.
Another tumbleweed blows through.
BWT: Us!
All: Shut up!
GJ: So what were we invited to exactly?
SA: I'm wondering the same thing. I didn't bring my best and brightest here for nothing.
GI: I'm your best and brightest?
RA: No wonder you all lost.
BWT: Hey! This magazine is only approved for early-Arrancar arc spoilers!
Everyone ignored this and turned towards the door as footsteps could be heard on the stairs! Who could it possibly be?
The door flies open to reveal none other than…
Ichigo Kurosaki: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What the [censor] are you all doing in my room? How the [censor] are you even fitting this many people?
SA: Ichigo.
IK: Aizen. Byakuya.
BK: Ichigo. Rukia.
BWT: Tabloid people!
All: …
IK: Get the [censor] out.
Only approximately half the group fearing Ichigo's temper, we packed up and left for the park! Where else? As we approached the spacious, crowd-free field we passed a dumpster, which shook and growled at us.
BWT: Ahh! Kaien save us!
Byakuya, Rukia, and Kaien all approached the dumpster cautiously.
KS: …What do you think it could be?
RK: Who knows?
BK: We should kill it. Then kill Kaien.
BWT: We agree!
KS: Yeah, that sounds like a—hey wait a minute! What did I do to you people?
RA: You tried to kill Rukia!
BWT: Early arc spoilers only darn it!
Distracting us from the conversation at hand, the dumpster lid flew off Team Rocket style to reveal a rather ragged person holding a cat, which sat in a hat. More on that in our regular issue this Sunday!
Karin Kurosaki: Oh thank goodness someone opened that lid finally!
KS: But we didn't…
KK: Well I had better get back home. Who knows what's happened since I left!
The odd placeholder promptly left, leaving behind her cat, which of course meant someone came looking for her—no not the cat, the hat!
Kisuke Urahara: My hat! There you are my precious! Did you nice people find my hat?
BWT: Yes, yes we did! Where's our reward?
KU: There isn't one! Ha ha ha!
BWT: Ha ha ha! You're going in our Death Note later! Ha ha ha!
KU: Ha ha h-hey wait, what?
RA: Oh yeah, by the way, the burgers are ready.
KU: Free food?
Yoruichi Shihoin: Always thinking about your stomach.
Everyone in the immediate area went silent and stared at Yoruichi.
KU: Yoruichi my love! When did you get here? And why are you naked?
KS: …
RK: Kaien!
KS: What? I wasn't staring!
RA: Yeah you were.
KS: Shut it! You have no room to talk! You're still staring!
RA: So?
KS: …
BK: I'm going to go talk with Gin now.
BWT: We smell a new pairing!
Several minutes later our vast-and-growing group fixed a nice little picnic, but there was still a question left to be answered!
Keigo Asano: Oh my gawsh a hawt babe!
KU: Yourichi darling why won't you put any clothes on?
YS: Meow!
KU: You're not a cat anymore…
YS: Meow!
BWT: Haw!
GJ: What the [censor] was that?
SK: More importantly, when's the food going to be done? This picnic isn't very picnic-y without food you know.
YA: This whole picnic isn't very beautiful.
KA: And if she's taken, we'll need more hawt babes.
BWT: Well we could—!
Suddenly our cell phone rings! Of course we don't have a cell phone; we stole Ichigo's!
BWT: Hello!
Orihime Inoue: Don't forget, I'm coming for you! I'm on my—where did this traffic come from?
BWT: Ha ha! You'll never catch us!
OI: Just you wait! I'll be there soon and when I—what in the world is that police car do—Ahh!
BWT: How strange, the line seems to have gone dead!
All: …
KA: No more hawt babes?
BWT: Sadly, no!
KA: Aw…
BWT: Kidding! Here comes another guest!
SA: This is an awful lot of people for a picnic.
YA: Yes I'm beginning to sweat. Sweat is so ugly.
UC: You're obviously having trouble juggling this many characters while keeping them in-character.
BWT: Stop! Stop breaking the wall! Bad things happen to people who break the—!
Suddenly a giant hollow foot comes out of no where and smashes Uliquiorra!
GJ: Holy [censor] hollow! Boss that guy just killed Uliquiorra! What do we do?
SA: Not now Grimmjow, I'm eating my hamburger.
GJ: …
GI: Yeah so then they come in through the roof, which is impressive since—Why's everyone looking at us?
BK: We're trying to hold a conversation.
BWT: Characters not make sense. Why we talk like caveman?
Suddenly two shadowy, clichéd figures approached from the direction of the setting sun, giving them a cool silhouette-y effect!
In a hopeful manner, Keigo dares to venture a guess!
KA: Hawt… babes?
Sure enough, they were girls!
Nemu Kurotsuchi: Greetings. Apologies for arriving late. May I take that specimen?
Nemu points towards the crumpled corpse of Uliquiorra.
GI: Sure, sure, now where was I?
BK: That part with the flowers.
GI: Oh, right so…
YA: I love this story!
RA: Soup's on!
KU: But I wanted burgers!
BWT: Too American! Soup is funner to grill!
RA: Funner isn't a work.
KS: Besides, we did grill burgers.
SK: Food. Want. Food.
Isane Kotetsu: Oh hello there Sentaro.
SK: Ah! When'd you get here?
IK: I arrived with Nemu.
NK: Please insert burger.
KS: Uh…
RA: Insert where [censor] it?
Meanwhile, with Isane and Sentaro
SK: Oh right. Uh so how's your mom?
IK: She's okay…
SK: …
IK: And Kiyone says hi.
SK: I didn't ask!
Sentaro promptly runs away, stealing another burger off the grill in the process!
IK: Well then, I'll just check and see how that potato salad is doing.
YA: Potato salad. Now that's beautiful.
GJ: How can you all just sit here enjoying a stupid picnic when we're supposed to be mortal enemies? Are you all high?
SA: Grimmjow, please, you're embarrassing me. Again.
GI: Really, Grimmjow, get a grip.
BWT: Stop yelling!
GJ: You're yelling too!
BWT: We're not yelling.
GJ: …Just give me a burger.
RA: One burger coming up!
GJ: I said give me a burger not chuck it at my face!
KS: Oh, here you go!
GJ: Hey! That's raw!
KS: I thought kitty liked his meat raw…
BWT: Early arc only for Yamamoto's sake!
BK: Kaien step away from Rukia. Now.
KS: Sorry, sorry. Still don't get what I did.
BWT: You're dreamy!
KS: You're… really creepy.
BWT: Aw, you make us blush!
KS: …So Rukia!
RK: Drop it!
KS: You're no fun.
RK: I'm sorry Kaien, but you died and abandoned me then you had the nerve to return and stab me! I just can't deal with that type of relationship.
GI: She really can't handle any relationship at all.
BK: That's right. She shouldn't be in a relationship at all.
RK: Brother!
BWT: You got double-teamed!
RA: Wait, why's Gin helping Byakuya?
BK: Lesser of two evils.
BWT: Works for us! Also, everyone look at Cat and Hat!
The entire group turns to stare at Cat and Hat who were currently busy making out.
Renji, Kaien, and Keigo all zone out and stare.
BK: I'm bored. Gin, care for a round of Go?
YA: I'm coming too, these people are all ugly. Not like you though Byakuya.
GI: Sure!
BK: Don't sound so happy.
GI: Hey, I'm no Uliquiorra.
And back with Cat and Hat!
BWT: Those two are really going at it!
NK: Analyzing.
IK: I brought samples; I should give them some…
Then two men came out of nowhere and walked through our picnic area carrying a large glass window! Breakage in five…
KU: I love you burger!
YS: I love you Kisuke!
Four!
GI: Hey! That's cheating!
BK: Like you have room to talk. Aizen keeps sending hollows over to distract me.
SA: Am not!
GJ: Hey boss, I brought more hallows!
SA: …Shut up.
Three!
IK: …and always use protection.
SK: For the last time she's not my girlfriend! And she's your sister, shouldn't you be more defensive about this?
IK: I'm a doctor first though!
NK: Doctors. Winning, duh.
IK: You can say that again Nemu!
Two!
RA: Look! Now you burnt the stupid thing!
KS: Well Grimmjow keeps trying to get me to grill hallows, so I'm grilling everything until I know it's dead!
RA: The burger was already dead though!
KS: Fine! You can eat yours raw now! Like kitty!
One!
RK: Hey Keigo do you hear that noise?
KA: What noise?
RK: Sounds like an angry mass hurtling in this direction.
KA: That was oddly spec—.
Crash!
Flying through the once pristine glass, and using the hard work of the two mover guys as a braking system, none other than Toshiro Hitsugaya crash landed in the middle of the picnic.
BWT: Look it's a short thing!
RK: Captain Hitsugaya? What are you doing here?
TH: I was invited, but I got lost!
SK: Is lost a fancy way of saying you were stalking Momo?
TH: Why don't you shut up and go stalk Lieutenant Kotetsu's sister some more?
SK: She's not my girlfriend—!
TH: I didn't say she was your girlfriend! Holy [censor] hallow!
GJ: That's what I said!
An awkward silence fell over the group. Another tumbleweed blew through.
TH: Why are they here?
Toshiro pointed harshly at the Hueco Mundo group, including the corpse.
Byakuya Kuchiki looked around guiltily.
BK: Die foul creatures, scatter!
GI: Hey but what about our Go match?
As fights broke out and the picnic was destroyed we realized two things!
BWT: Hey Yumichika where have you been for the majority of this picnic? You didn't get much air time!
YA: Observing your ugly behavior. Come to my place and we can give your magazine a make-over.
BWT: That answers one question, but… Kaien!
KS: What?
BWT: How—?
KS: Am I here? Well it's a great story and it starts with—!
BWT: No not that! How did you manage to burn burgers this badly?
KS: …
With the beautiful music of summoned Zanpakutos all around us, this is BLEACH Weekly Tabloid ending another special by saying: We're going on a picnic!
NK: Actually, we already went on a picnic.
BWT: …
RA: You got owned!
BWT: Hey Renji!
RA: What?
BWT: You lost your Zanpakuto again!
RA: [Censor]!