Chapter 25

It was just after 3.30 am and Steve couldn't sleep. He'd woken up half an hour before and now the night-nadgers were back harrying at him. He had so much on his mind that efforts to return to sleep evaded him. His mind turned to thoughts of Jeannie, and he couldn't get what June had said out of his mind. Jeannie was a lovely girl... one of the best, but he really didn't see her in any other way than as a friend... did he? When she came to his room a few hours ago he had been so pleased to see her. He'd always felt his feelings for her were those of a very close friend, a kind of pseudo-brother, but June thought she had seen more... maybe even a romantic connection between them... and now Steve was plagued by thoughts of whether he wanted that to be true or not.

He had absolutely no doubt that Jeannie was a lovely, kind, funny, wonderful girl. Since he'd become Mike's partner all three of them had formed a very strong bond, and they'd welcomed him into their lives in the same way that he'd welcomed them into his. That kind of closeness was still a relatively new feeling for him. As he lay in the darkness he had to acknowledge that his life prior to meeting them had been spent very much alone. That wasn't to say he was lonely as such, for he had plenty of friends and he was aware that he was a sociable and likeable man. That wasn't him being conceited, it was just fact. He knew he got on well with people and made friends easily, both male and female, but that's all they ever were... friends. Admittedly, some were closer than others, but it wasn't the same as having family. He'd never had family... not until Mike came along. He recalled the feelings that used to gnaw at him when he saw others revelling in family life, feelings of envy and complete isolation from the comfort and belonging that being part of a family gave to a person. Steve had never experienced that feeling until he met Mike and Jeannie. They had become his family, and Steve loved them without reservation, and being held close by them meant he'd finally lost that feeling of not belonging to someone, of not having someone of his very own. He wasn't of their blood but that made no difference. He knew without doubt that no blood ties could ever surmount the bond that they had. He had finally found a place where he belonged.

As he lay in the darkness, alone with just his thoughts, painful memories from his childhood and youth tugged at him to be recalled and confronted, but he knew from past experience it never did him any good to dredge them up, and so, as he always did, he pushed them back down refusing to allow them to surface and be re-examined. He tried never to think of them and he'd never ever spoken of them to anyone... not even Mike. They were thoughts and experiences that belonged only to himself and he kept them locked away deep inside. It caused him too much pain to ever allow them out.

From the moment he met him, Mike had always invoked a rule that Jeannie should never date a cop, and Steve had always respected Mike's wishes. A cop's life was one of long, unsociable hours. Some people he came across were good people, but more often than not his life involved mixing with the dregs of society, the dross of humanity, and very often it was fraught with unknown dangers. When a cop went on duty his family, wife or partner never knew whether he'd ever return home again or, if he did, would he still be the same man, mentally and physically, who had left the house that morning. As a homicide cop Steve encountered death every day of his life. He saw the destruction it caused and the devastation it left in its wake. Mike had witnessed first-hand the agonies his beloved wife, Helen, had suffered whenever he went on duty never knowing if he'd come home again but, despite her fears, their marriage had stayed strong and had never faltered. They had shared an absolute faith in their love for each other and had never had any doubt that their marriage could withstand anything life threw at them. Steve knew and understood why Mike didn't want those same agonies for his daughter, hence his 'no dating a cop' rule. So far, he'd had no trouble adhering to that rule, but now June's comment had made him take apart and examine his feelings more closely than ever before.

Was romance with Jeannie ever likely to be a possibility? The more he pondered the question the more sure he felt that he couldn't see it ever happening. He loved her deeply and would willingly give his life for her if it were ever asked of him, but that wasn't the hearts and flowers romance of love 'till death us do part'. He was a red-blooded male and he wanted to find those deep feelings of passion and closeness... of belonging... with a woman, but was Jeannie destined to be that woman? Their relationship had always been purely platonic. He'd always treated her like a kid sister, but she wasn't his kid sister, she was a stunning young woman, ripe for love. He'd never spent any time with her in a romantic way, had never even been on a proper date with her, and though they'd often been alone together there had never been any hint of intimacy between them. Their relationship had never been like that and he didn't find it easy to envision himself united with her as a couple. He simply didn't sense that kind of connection between them, and neither had she ever given him cause to feel that she felt that way about him.

As the clock on the wall opposite his bed ticked inexorably onwards towards the dawn, his thoughts began to clarify and crystallise. Jeannie had never given any indication that she felt drawn to him in any other way than a platonic one. He loved to see her, longed for her to come home on vacations, loved to spend time with her and Mike, but he knew it wasn't the same feeling as that which he should expect from the all consuming and abiding love of a man for a woman. What they shared was simply a deep bond of love and eternal friendship, and now he felt certain it was destined to be nothing more. The relationships he'd shared with women in the past had fulfilled certain basic needs within him, but he'd never yet met that very special someone with whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life, and with whom he wanted to start a family. Some people spoke of that connection as meeting their soul mate. Jeannie would always hold a very special place in his heart, but he knew without a doubt that Jeannie was not his soul mate. The questions that had rolled around in his brain, one after the other for the last few hours, had finally found their answers. His bond, his closeness with her was, and always would be, loving and loyal, solid and deep, and he knew without a shadow of a doubt that nothing would ever break it... but Jeannie wasn't 'the one'. He hoped he would find his soul mate one day, just as Mike had done. He hoped there was someone out there waiting for him... somewhere. Would he ever find her? Perhaps... perhaps not... but he was having fun looking and he wouldn't give up on his dream. Maybe he just had to accept that his future love-life, like everything else at the moment, lay in the lap of the gods.

As his mind settled one problem it moved on to the next and the heated discussion or, if he was honest, the full on row he'd had with Mike that afternoon. Mike really hadn't deserved that. Well, he couldn't blame it on the meds this time. So what could be blame it on? Steve knew his friend had only been acting in his best interests and he hadn't deserved such an angry response. Why was he so against speaking to Lenny Murchison? He liked Lenny and got on well with him and he'd helped in the past to get him over several of the traumatic incidents that, as a police officer, were part and parcel of the job, but this time was different. This time he couldn't... just couldn't... keep going back there to the events of that night when, for that brief moment of his life... the last second of his life... he'd looked death in the face and knew it had won. That his survival was little short of a miracle was truly remarkable, but he couldn't allow himself to keep going back there to think about it. He had to keep himself moving forward. It was the only way he was going to get through the weeks and months ahead. There was just so much to cope with at the moment just to get himself through every day, that re-living that night in a counselling session when he would be expected to completely open up and lay his deepest feelings out for Lenny to pick over in minute detail, could be what broke the tenuous strings that were currently holding him together. Just thinking about that night was enough to cause him to break out in a cold sweat. What if talking to Lenny brought on a really bad breakdown? What if Lenny felt he'd been so badly traumatised by the events of that night that he couldn't return to his job as a police officer? What if talking to Lenny proved to himself that he couldn't go back to the job he loved? The more he tossed it over in his mind the more he knew he just couldn't let himself go there again. Forwards not back... that was the way he had to go.

He could feel himself shaking and he wiped the sweat from his brow. He poured himself some water and slowly sipped it, willing himself to settle, to control his breathing and calm himself down. He knew all this angst was doing him no good at all. All his life he'd settled his problems by himself and not sought help elsewhere, and then he joined homicide and met Mike. He knew he could talk to Mike, but it was never easy for him to ask for help from someone else. As he lay back on his pillows and willed himself to relax, the rational part of his brain started to kick in and, as he turned it all over in his head again, he knew he had no choice. He had to seek that help... professional help this time. Mike was right... as usual. Bottling it up wasn't an option. It wasn't going to do him any good. He had to go back there again and face his demons and it wasn't fair to put the onus on Mike to help him. Not this time. He had to get it out of his system, out in the open and it had to be with dealt with. If he didn't, no doubt it would rear it's ugly head again one day in the future, probably when he least expected it. It was better that the move came from himself now rather than it was forced on him further down the line by his superiors. He knew he hadn't been fair with Mike. He'd vented angrily and he'd hurt his friend who was the one person he could rely on more than anyone else, yet Mike had listened. He'd let him vent and he'd taken all that Steve had thrown at him and yet still understood. Oh, he knew they'd eventually parted on good terms. That was the good thing about their partnership and friendship. They could vent their feelings to each other knowing there would be no long-term repercussions and damage to their friendship, but that still didn't make it right. There were fences to mend and only Steve could mend them. He still didn't like it though. He hated being pushed to do something he didn't want to do but, more than that, he hated hurting Mike in return. Steve knew he had enough to cope with at the moment with his recovery and rehabilitation without throwing psychological counselling into the mix too, but he also knew he couldn't ignore it any longer. As the early dawn light filtered through the blinds at his window he made his decision. After breakfast, he'd take a walk out of his room with his new found freedom and find a phone, and he'd call Lenny and ask him to come and see him... to talk to him. Yes, that's what he would do... what he needed to do... what he had to do.