CHAPTER 25
"Pathetic."
The way the word dripped from Sue's mouth left Santana, Quinn, and I ashamed. When our boss got word that we were back from our road trip, she called the three of us in for a debriefing. It sounded pretty cool, all official and stuff, but when she heard what we had to say I didn't think it was so cool after all.
"I mean, seriously, what the hell did you guys do over there because it sounds like no one listened to a thing I said." Sue growled, the worry lines in her face deepening the angrier she became, "I expected to be planning our new lineups with the four of you, not wallowing in your incompetence. I put a lot of trust into you and you really let me down."
I didn't expect for her words to hurt as much as they did, hearing that I've let someone down isn't a thing I'm used to. I like to think that I'm a pretty reliable person, you know, I keep to my word but as I sat listening to Sue's ongoing rant I found myself questioning that. A part of me knows that there weren't any promises made before we left and bringing Mercedes back wasn't a guarantee, yet Sue still has a way in making us feel like we lied or something.
Honestly, I guess I just feel bad for her. Sloppy Babies is Sue's most prized possession and someone's threatening to take that away from her. She's stuck and she's been trying to handle everything on her own, but there's a time when you know you're taking on too much. So she puts her pride aside and actually asks for help, she puts her trust in us and hopes that we can do something she can't, but in the end that's not the case.
"And you," She directed a finger towards Santana making the bartender peek up shamefully, "I knew that if anyone could bring that girl back it would be you. You really screwed up, Lopez. You gave her a choice?! Are you kidding me? I guess you don't realize how serious this situation is because if you did, you wouldn't let the one person who could save all of our asses a damn choice!"
I instantly hate the fact that Quinn was sitting between us because the sudden need to wrap my arms around Santana and protect her from Sue's harsh words was too great. She didn't need to be talked down upon when all she did was try to do what Sue asked of her. I looked to Santana hoping to catch her eye but instead all I saw was her tightening her jaw and averting her eyes back to the floor.
"We really tried-" Quinn began, her voice strained but Sue was quick to silence her.
"I'm done hearing about it, I want results and I want them now!" Sue snapped as she smacked her palm hard against the desk causing the three of us to flinch at the sound, "Which is why I'm going to find someone else. If you couldn't bring Jones back then forget it, I'll try to find another. Obviously if I want something done right, I have to do it myself."
I peeked to my side to see Santana's head still bowed and her eyes fixed on her fidgeting hands, even Quinn looked like someone just kicked her kitten. The two have always had this special kind of obedience when it came to Sue; even if Santana pretends to be a rebel, she still manages to follow Sue's orders. So to see the two looking completely defeated by Sue's rant wasn't really a surprise. I couldn't bring myself to succumb to Sue's anger like them though. Maybe it's my weird knack for being hopeful and optimistic or how I could see right through Sue's anger, but I still kept my head high.
Sue let out another deep sigh as she slipped off her reading glasses and leaned back in her big leather chair, "Now take your sorry, good for nothing, selves and get the hell out of my office."
Quickly, the two rose to their feet and shuffled out of the room while I just trailed behind attempting to keep up with their fast moving steps.
Once downstairs, Santana and Quinn seemed to look a little more relaxed as the two finally let their shoulders slump. What I thought was relief actually ended up being more defeat.
"Maybe we should've just kidnapped her after all," Santana joked though her voice was laced with guilt.
"So you really haven't heard back from her?" Quinn questioned looking worried. Santana just shook her head causing Quinn to sigh, "I would've thought she'd call by now.."
"It's only been like two days," I added hoping to lift their fallen spirits as I wrapped my arms around both of their shoulders, "Give it a little time."
"Time's not exactly on our side right now, Brittz." Santana mumbled halfheartedly as she dropped her head to my shoulder. I just stared out over the empty lounge, the stage lights dimmed and the bar deserted, my smile faltering as two of the strongest girls I know slowly crumbled against my shoulders.
XXXX
The next few days went by painfully slow; business was steady but still not enough to fight off the bank's threat and there was still no word from Mercedes. I could tell that Santana was still taking Mercedes' silence pretty hard, even Quinn was somewhat back to her normal confident self but Santana remained bruised.
Most of the day she hid out in her bedroom with her keyboard lay across her lap and her blank sheet music scattered on her mattress and on the floor. By night, she served her drinks with this fake smile and relatively nicer insults. I even noticed the sluggish moves of her bottle tricks and the way her feet seemed to drag across the no-slip mat. We used to be able to move around each other with such grace and precision but now we accidentally bump elbows and knock hips as we try to get around each other.
Then by the time we get home after our shifts, she disappears into her room to start on her normal routine of getting ready for bed instead of winding down with me on the couch. Some nights she doesn't even say goodnight before she completely passes out, half hidden beneath her blankets and hair still smelling like smoke. It's not until I venture in quietly, moving to her side of the bed so I could tuck the rest of her under the covers before climbing in on the other side, opening my arms up and letting her subconsciously fall into my embrace that she looks somewhat at peace.
One night in particular though, was different. We had gotten off our shift about two hours ago and when I came in to lay down with Santana all freshly showered and comfortable, everything was fine. She sleepily snuggled in next to me just like she'd normally do, I know because it's about the only intimacy we have now that's she's so stressed out most of the time. So when I noticed the sudden loss, even in my sleep, I just had to wake up.
I rolled to my side and just as I suspected, the sheets were cold and Santana-less. I kind of just laid there for a second to allow myself to wake up fully before I got up and checked the bathroom then the living and kitchen. When she wasn't found in any of those places, that's when I started to panic a little. It's not like her to disappear in the middle of the night so I quickly reached for my phone in attempt to call her only to notice the spot next to the bookshelf in the living room looking at little empty.
I was grabbing my sweater and slipping into my shoes the instant it all clicked.
XXXX
Though it was the middle of the summer, it was a little chilly up on the roof. Also, it was much darker and a bit scarier than the last time I ventured up to find Santana. I fumbled with the zipper of my sweater and buried my hands in my pockets as a gust of wind rustled my hair and sent a chill up my sleeves. I walked the first few feet from the metal door blindedly, the only light being a distant glow of other lights still on in tall buildings surrounded ours. Thankfully, I spotted the bartender sitting with her back turned to me and the outline of what looked to be her keyboard resting in her lap just a couple more feet away.
I walked the distance quickly, hating the sound of the gravel beneath my shoes because it could disrupt Santana's concentration, her tranquility, but the soft tune floating from the tiny speakers in the keyboard seemed to drown it out.
"Santana?" I called quietly, my voice coming out almost like a whisper as I crouched down to her level. Her fingers stopped at the keys before I moved in, setting the keyboard aside and replaced it with my warm hand on her knee, "What are you doing up here this late?"
She gave me that same far-away look she has been for the past few days, the emptiness in her normally fierce eyes killing me, before she tiredly shrugged her shoulders.
"You wandered out of bed at nearly five in the morning, I kind of need a real answer.." I sighed as I moved both my hands up her thighs, caressing them trying to ease some comfort into her. I sort of had an idea as to what's gotten into her, but it's better to hear her say what's wrong rather than assuming. I know Sue's words and the stress of possibly losing her job soon is really wearing down on her, but I just had to know for sure.
She just pursed her lips and tried hard to keep up her tough persona; that's a thing she does when she's too proud to admit something, I've noticed.
"Come on, San, you can talk to me." I tried again as I continued to run my hands up and down her thighs, "You can talk to me about anything."
Then, for the first time ever, I watched her completely breakdown.
In a split second her eyes watered then clenched shut tight, her face screwing up as her hand covered her mouth while her shoulders began to bob with each sob that racked her body. I had never in the time that I've known her seen her look so entirely broken that it took me a minute or two to actually do something because I was so busy watching the girl who's normally so confident and put together fall apart.
"Br-Britt.." She choked out as I scrambled up and wrapped my arms around her. She buried her face in my shoulder, her tears leaving hot stains against my neck, as she let herself slump into me.
"It's okay, baby, it's okay." I cooed, rubbing at her back as she shuddered before pressing soft kisses to her hair and cheek, "I'm here, you're okay. I got you."
I somehow managed to squeeze in next to her on the small bench, almost cradling her on my lap as I held her close to me, hoping to absorb all her pain so she wouldn't feel this way anymore. I sat there for a few more quiet minutes rocking her back and forth gently, whispering reminders that I was here for her as I pressed kisses anywhere I could reach, until her sobs slowed to soft whimpers and hiccups.
"I-I'm sorry," She stammered seemingly calmed down quite a bit as she pulled away from me slightly and wiped at her wet cheeks, "I don't know where that came from.."
"Holding things in can do that to you," I replied quietly, still keeping my hand pressed to her back. She just let a pained smile form at her lips while she kept her eyes focused on her lap. I took the moment of silence to scoot in closer so that I could lazily curl my arm around her waist, "You know, it's okay to cry..you don't have to apologize for that."
"Yeah, I know.." She sniffled before letting her shoulders slump, "It's just- I'm not great at the feelings stuff, you know that. It's easier to keep things to myself and work everything out on my own. I've never liked telling my problems to people because they only care when it's their problem."
"That's not true," I interrupted swiftly, "Well, maybe it is for some people but not me. I care about your troubles, Santana. I care and I want you to come to me when you need help." She looked up at me her eyes narrowing a little like she was unsure whether she should believe me or not. I just smiled and moved my hand to overlap hers.
She smiled weakly at the gesture before taking in a deep breath, calming her nerves, then exhaled, "I can't lose my job."
"Yeah, I know what you mean.." I chuckled trying to ease the tension, but she just shook her head.
"I don't know how to do anything else, Britt, bartending is all I know how to do. Mixing drinks is all I'm good at." She mumbled, her hand coming up to hide her face like she was embarrassed, "I-I can't lose my job. I have to get Mercedes to come back, I have to."
"Oh honey," I sighed, rubbing at her shoulder, "Is that what this is about?"
The sudden sniffle and tan fingers swiping at watery eyes answered my question before Santana could even part her lips.
"I know time isn't really on our side right now, but we have to be patient." I reassured her with a soft kiss to her temple, "And don't think like that, that you're not good at anything; you're great at a lot of things."
She quirked her brow questioningly, "Like?"
" For one, you're an amazing singer."
"Britt.."
"I know, I know, that's supposed to be a secret." I winked, getting a tiny smile out of her, "But you're great with other things like keeping inventory; you do all the numbers and stuff by yourself and never have any problems. You might not like dealing with people, but you're really good at that too! You're a great teacher, especially when you're teaching me. I mean, you taught me pretty much everything I know about bartending all in like a few days. That says something. You're still young, San, you can learn new things too. Just because bartending is what you're most comfortable with doesn't mean it's the only thing you can do."
"You really think that of me?" She asked in a soft, gentle voice as her eyes flickered between mine.
"Of course!" I answered surely, "You can do anything; that's what I was taught growing up. I'm a dancer, babe, finding jobs for that is like..impossible but I still tried, but look at me now. I never thought I could be a bartender but here I am. You could think all this time you're good at one thing but never know you're freaking awesome at another!"
"Yeah," She nodded as she wiped at her eyes, confidence slowly crawling back to her, "You're right. I can do anything! Sue can't make me feel all shitty like this just because she can't figure out her crap. Why does it have to be my fault?"
"Mhm, that's right." I replied encouragingly, "You did your best, that's all that matters."
"Yeah! She can't just take it out on me, I'm not the fucking owner. She should've had a back up plan or something." She added with a little more intensity. I could already see the sadness morphing into anger the more she ranted; it wasn't necessarily what I was going for but at least she was getting whatever she was harboring off her chest. That went on for a few minutes until she finally ended with a cute little huff then turned to me with eyes sparkling.
"You know what, B?"
"What?"
"You're a really good person," She said softly as her hand found its way into mine and pulled until it was settled in her lap, "You're so good to me."
"I try," I shrugged innocently, a bashfully smile already accompanying my flushed cheeks.
"I wish I knew how to be good to you too."
"You are good to me."
"Not in the ways that I want to be," She dismissed with a frown, "It seems like everything comes so naturally for you, but for me? I struggle with the stupidest thing. I could always do better, be better."
"Baby.." I sighed, reaching for fistfuls of her shirt, tugging her as close to me as I could before wrapping her up in my arms, "You take your time, okay? I know I get antsy sometimes, but I can wait. For you, I could wait forever."
Santana leaned back a little, adjusting her body so that she could still be caught in my embrace but able find a way to crash her lips so smoothly into mine. Being so close together, I could feel the way her heart sped almost matching the rhythm of my own, it was such a beautiful feeling.
"I wouldn't make you wait that long," She muttered, her breath tingling my lips as she pulled away from the kiss yet remained hovering as if she was only taking a quick break for air. I kept my eyes shut just in case, but to my surprise the weight of her on my lap lifted before cold fingers wrapped around my wrist and tugged me to my feet.
When I opened my eyes, Santana had slipped her keyboard under her arm and smiled back at me with a fully renewed confidence. I was too busy taking her all in that I hadn't noticed she'd already made it half way to the metal door out.
"Come on, Britt-Britt, I think I know how I can thank you for being so good to me." She called with a sexy smirk and a throaty chuckle. Then with one wink, she had me stumbling after her.
XXXX
The days that followed that were much easier. Aside from the little comments Sue made about the uselessness of our road trip that still made Santana tense, she seemed like everything was back to normal. She quit acting so distant and actually allowed me to hold her hand again. Even after work she'd stay up and wind down with me instead of disappearing into her room and going straight to sleep. Things were definitely looking brighter, at least, when it came to us. Sloppy Babies on the other hand, not so much.
I awoke pretty late one morning only to find Santana's side of the bed empty again. This time I didn't panic because she has a habit of getting up a little earlier some days to run some errands alone. It doesn't bother me when she does that, we still need our space sometimes which is fine. I decided to just get ready for an early practice at Sloppy Babies, we need all the help we can get especially now. Who knows, maybe a well practiced dance routine is what saves the place?
However, that thought quickly fled as I approached the lounge to see a long winding line of people already filing outside the building. I stared at all the people, dumbfounded; it wouldn't have been so weird to see if it wasn't only two in the afternoon on a Thursday. I quickly pushed past the people until I was met with Puck, our lead mohawked bouncer, along with two other muscular guys flanking his sides.
"What's going on?" I asked but the three seemed to be too busy trying to control the crowd.
"What the hell, just because she's hot doesn't mean she can cut!" Someone hollered from behind me.
"Back up, she works here!" Puck growled, nodding to the taller dopy guy behind him to take care of the guy while Puck directed me inside, "It's fucking crazy out here, we're gunna make so much money!"
"Wait, that doesn't answer my-"
Before I could finish my sentence, the tinted glass door was shut in my face, Puck still on the outside already moving back to handle the crowd.
"Takes his job seriously, huh?" Some blonde haired girl I've never seen before smirked as she rested back against the metal railing that separated the lobby from the seating area.
I quirked my brow questioningly but being so naturally friendly I just smiled instead, "Yeah, sorta. I've never seen it so busy before, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on."
"Yeah, I'm sure you'll find out pretty soon..if you haven't already." She replied, my eyes drawing to the movement of her arms as she crossed them over here chest, the rolled up sleeves of her jean jacket revealing a line of birds flying tattooed along her forearm, "Well, the other waitresses are in the back. You're a waitress, right?"
"No, I'm actually the choreographer." I responded feeling a wave of confidence hit because I don't think I've ever labeled myself as such, "Slash bartender, mostly bartender though.."
The super confident and outgoing way she carried herself morphed into something less inviting when she heard that, the small grin on her lips straightening into a thin scowl, "Did you say bartender?"
"Yes?" I mumbled hesitantly, eyeing her quickly changing demeanor, "Is something wrong with that?"
"I'm sorry," She said shaking her head, "What did you say your name was?"
"Brittany," I supplied, "And you are?"
"I thought so, she mentioned you."
"She?
"Santana."
The weary feeling the chick gave off intensified at the bartender's mention as I felt myself slowly taking a step back, "You know Santana?"
"Of course I do," She answered like it should be obvious and for some odd reason I didn't like that. I guess she noticed the shift in my facial expressions too because she started smirking again, "Please don't tell me you've got a crush on my girl, Brittany. That's going to cause some problems."
Somewhere deep in my chest something burned red hot, "Your girl?"
"Yes, Santana is my girl." She responded with a somewhat clipped tone, her brows furrowing as her voice rose, "And let me tell you right now, you don't stand a chance."
"Excuse me?" I gasped, shocked by the turn of events. Who does this chick think she is, coming in here and calling shots like she knows what's going on? Like she's some big name? Like I'm supposed to know her and Santana have a history? Like I'm supposed to know exactly who she- oh.
"You're Dani."
The satisfied grin that replaced her scowl sickened me, "That's right. I'm back and she's mine so you can stop whatever you're doing with her and go."
All the air in my lungs left me as I stood before the girl that broke the bartender's heart: the girl that made it so hard for Santana to date, the girl that made it so hard for Santana to be anything but a one night stand, the girl that gave Santana this horrible theory on love, the girl that abandoned her.
I didn't know everything about her, but I knew enough to hate her. I don't hate anyone, Mom taught me it's not nice to hate, but this girl? This girl was the source of all Santana's inner pain, anyone who hurts someone that bad isn't okay in my book. Not okay at all.
I felt my whole body tense as I met her eyes, this time my gaze steely. I thought back to the time when I first met Santana and wondered who it as that hurt her so; I vowed that whoever it was deserved a good clean punch in the face. As I looked back at the girl before me, I knew that it wouldn't be right. I'm not a fighter and even though my limbs are aching to make moves, I just couldn't bring myself down to that level.
I felt so disconnected with myself standing in front of the girl that left Santana an emotionless zombie that I didn't really register her talking again until she took a step closer and I could only catch the last part of her sentence, "Stay away from her."
In that moment, I felt another fire inside me ignite at the words. Stay away? Like she had for two whole years? Like she had when Santana was crumbling alone? Like she had when her girl needed her?
I found myself shaking my head, "You left her. I'm not going to do the same."
"I'm telling you to go, there's a difference."
"I'm not leaving," I repeated, my jaw setting as I squared my shoulders. I felt myself getting angrier and angrier the more she tried to push me away, but I remained level-headed.
"Look, I know you're just trying to take this crush to the next level or whatever but it's kind of pathetic. You're getting in the way of everything."
"She doesn't want anything to do with you!" I finally snapped, "You left her. You made her miserable. You broke her heart! I'm trying to tape back all those beautiful little pieces together and you're getting in the way of that!"
My little outburst didn't even seem to faze her as she crossed her arms again, "She loves me. Loves. Can you say the same?"
My palms warmed as my chest ached with something unknown: no, I can't. Dani didn't seem to need a verbal answer, my shoulders slumping like she just punched me right in the stomach was an answer enough.
"Sh-She's my-" I stammered trying to find something to hold over her but I couldn't even utter the label because I knew it wouldn't be true. I can talk a good game about not needing labels and them being old fashion, but it would've came in handy right about now. I wanted to tell her that Santana belonged to me just as much as I belonged to her without the girl laughing in my face, calling me things like stupid and delusional.
Santana is mine, but not really.
"She's your what? Coworker? Friend? Fuck buddy?" She supplied harshly, "Face it, you're just a sorry excuse for a stand in, my stand in, something pretty to look at while I've been on tour, someone easy to get rid of when the time comes. Well, the time has definitely come. I'm going to save this dump and get the girl. You know she wrote me an email every day that I was gone? She poured her heart out telling me that she'd wait.."
Her words stung, really bad. I tried hard to focus on anything but the lies she was telling but the longer she spoke, the more I began to doubt myself. My resolve was weakening and fast, but I clung to the truth of things. Santana cares about me just as much as I care about her. I'm not some disposable hook up. I'm better than that and so is Santana.
"It's been two years, Dani, I think you and Santana are done." I replied, surprised by how threatening my voice sounded. I was even more surprised by the slight falter of her stance as she stepped back but the smirk remained on her lips.
"We'll see about that."
Then like that, she disappeared upstairs leaving me in a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts. Santana wouldn't go back to someone like her, right? She couldn't do that to herself, to me, right? She wouldn't open herself up to that kind of pain again, right? She wouldn't throw away everything we have for that, right? She couldn't, could she? She didn't love Dani anymore, right?
I shuddered at the thought.
Maybe it was way too good to be true? Maybe we weren't supposed to be together? Maybe I was just the stand in? Maybe she'll realize I'm not what she really wants? Maybe it's Dani? Maybe I wasn't enough to make her stay? Maybe she'll give up, just like Sam did?
I felt the prickles at the corners of my eyes as my vision started to blur, my throat tightening up and my airway getting blocked by a huge lump. My chest hurt again and the fire in me slowly fizzled into something less intense, passionate. For once, I wanted something to work out. Selfish or not, I wanted something to go my way. I wanted to be happy.
What I needed was reassurance.
What I needed was Santana: her raspy voice telling me that I didn't have to worry, that I was hers and she was mine. I needed her arms wrapping me up protectively, her fingers tangling through my hair and her lips pressing softly into mine then to my cheeks and her thumbs wiping away my tears.
Instead of going to practice, I found myself going in the opposite direction. I pushed past the waiting crowd outside, ignoring whatever Puck called to me, and began my walk home with my phone in hand.
I dialed the only person whose voice I wanted to hear the most in the world.
I listened to rings chime in time with my slow beating heart. Ring, ring, ring.
I listened to the generic voicemail of the only person whose voice I wanted to hear the most in the world.
I called again. Again. Again. Again.
By the sixth call, it didn't even ring, just went straight to voicemail.
By that time, I was home only to be met with an empty apartment and even emptier heart.
I found myself pacing, actually pacing around the apartment searching like Santana was just hiding under the couch and gunna surprise me with kisses the third time I walked around the living room.
She never did pop out..
XXXX
At some point I settled on the couch, trapped in my head with Dani's words egging me on to think the very worse. It was pretty easy to do so especially with Santana's sudden disappearance. It was like a war waging on, truth against lies, insecurity and doubts. I had never felt so overwhelmed and utterly lost that when I heard the front door creak open and close I almost didn't know what to do with myself.
"Hey, I didn't know you'd be home!" Santana's voice carried through the room like nothing was wrong. Her steps were light as she walked closer and leaned over the back of the couch, "How was practice?"
"I didn't go." I grumbled, ducking away from the kiss she was going to press to my cheek. I tilted my body to face her, my lips thin and tight as her eyes surveyed me.
"Uhm, did I do something?" She asked hesitantly, straightening up.
She looked utterly confused but I was too past upset to notice, "I called you so many times, what were you doing that you couldn't answer?"
"I-I left you a note on the fridge," She stammered, eyes flickering between mine, "You didn't see it? I dropped my phone earlier when I was coming down from the roof; you know how I always try to carry everything at once so I don't have to make two trips. The whole screen shattered so I went to get a new one, thank God for warranties-"
"That's so convenient, Santana!" I snapped, shaking my head. That made her stop talking all together and really look at me, dark eyes narrowing as her brows furrowed. I couldn't find myself to hold her stare for long, my feelings become too great to contain. What are the odds that her phone breaks just when I needed her most? How do I know she wasn't somewhere she shouldn't be? Somewhere with another blonde, a blonde that she's supposedly waiting for? I felt tears welling in my eyes yet again.
"Okay, I'm missing something here.." She sighed as she walked around the couch and took a seat next to me then turned her body to face me, "Britt, what the hell is going on?"
"Sue found Mercedes' replacement," I replied quietly, eyes darting away, "I'm sure you'll love who it is."
"What? I-I don't understand.." Santana frowned as her hands reached mine but I shrank away like I had been burned by the touch, "Baby, what are you talking about? Who is-"
"It's Dani, Santana! Your precious Dani is back! Sue brought her back to save Sloppy Babies and apparently she's here to take you back," I answered, voice hoarse and tears falling freely, "You were never mine in the first place, you can't belong to two people."
The news seemed to rock Santana's whole world. Her eyes grew wide as she kind of sunk back, her shoulders slumping as she hunched.
"Th-that's not possible," Santana mumbled in disbelief.
"I couldn't defend myself or us because I don't even know what we are! I can't even call you my girlfriend because you cringe every time I even hint at a label like it's the damn plague."
I just watched her face morph into expressions I'd never seen before, the minutes ticking my silently and slowly. I waited for her to say something else, to reassure me that I was thinking crazy, that Santana would never hurt me so deeply but she remained silent. I waited and waited until I finally had enough, if she wasn't going to talk then I would!
"Now is the time, Santana, I need you to tell me that I don't have to worry about her. I need you to tell me that girl is crazy for thinking that you'd ever give her a second chance. I need you to make me yours and not just with a kiss or a hug or flowers. I need to know that I'm not wasting my time with you, that I'm not just good sex and extra money for rent. Santana, I need you to speak up. I need you to tell me what you feel, how you feel. I'm tired of guessing and I can't give you the benefit of the doubt anymore. I need you to make everything clear for me right now."
I waited anxiously for Santana to say something, anything, even a quiver of her lip, but she stayed perfectly still with her eyes downcast and her brows cinched. I was growing restless and that mixed with my worry and hurt created a messy combination.
"Fine, Santana, fine. You were just settling for me," I added angrily, her silence weighing too heavily on my shoulders, "Go back to her. I don't care!" I rose to my feet in a huff and turned away from the couch, not really sure where I was going to just anywhere that wasn't near Santana.
"You know when the last time I wrote her was?" She asked softly, her voice barely above a whisper causing me to stop in my tracks. I turned back to her slowly, my brow rising questioningly but her eyes remained focused on her lap, "May 6th; it was the morning after we told each other how we really felt. You were right next to me still sound asleep, even snoring a little," She grinned at that last part and my cheeks flushed at the comment, "I didn't write Dani as often after you and I started working together but that morning, with you curled against me like I was the best teddy bear in the world, I just had to write her one more time, one last time."
I felt my throat go dry as she finally looked up, her eyes watering just like mine, but she continued to speak with such confidence in her tone.
"I told her everything about you and how good you make me feel. I told her how I thought I'd never feel like that again. I told her how fast it makes my heart beat when you smile at me or hold my hand or even look my direction. I told her how wonderful you are and how you've changed me. I told her that I finally found someone else, I finally felt free, happy."
Tears trickled down my cheeks as I watched Santana wipe away at hers and found myself cursing the distance between us because those should be my fingers catching those little droplets, not hers. My body felt heavy and my head light as I remained silent and listened to everything she said.
"I told her that it was going to be hard, to let someone in again, because of her. I told her that I wanted to be great for you, Britt, I told her that I wanted to do my best to make you as happy as you make me but I just didn't know how. I told her that I was afraid now, afraid that you would lose hope and leave too. I started to cry back then, I almost erased the email completely, but then you squeezed me tighter like even your sleep you had faith in me. I knew right there that I had to really try because you're just too perfect to let go without a fight. That was the last email I sent Dani, I haven't written her since."
I wanted to say something but my lips wouldn't work, I almost felt like I wasn't even breathing anymore after Santana said what she had to. My heart ached even worse than before but this time I don't think it was because of worry or anger, it was guilt.
"And you know what hurts?" She asked, her tears drying, "The girl I've been trying to do right by, the girl I've been trying to prove myself to ever since that night, the girl that I thought had so much faith in me, the girl that I thought was so different from everyone else? She let a girl that broke my heart break hers with words that shouldn't even mean a thing."
Guilt hit me again like a punch to the stomach. The way her voice cracked and the sunken-ness of her shoulders pained me.
"You know what hurts even more?" She questioned sadly. I wanted to rush over and clasp my hand over her mouth, too sore from everything else that I just couldn't handle more, "That you'd even think for a second that I'd choose anyone else but you, like anyone could ever make me feel the way you can. That hurts, Britt, that hurts a lot."
A/N Hey guys, sorry the updates are so spaced out now (well, in my standards) but I hope you like this one. Next chapter will be the last chapter then an epilogue.