And The Winner Is...
by TheBucketWoman
Disclaimer: I have no claim on anything to do with Life with Derek or Little Shop of Horrors...or The Princess Bride. No infringement of any sort is intended.
A/N: I realize that I've neglected warning people about this before, but there will be some language, and maybe an adult theme or two.
Chapter Twenty-five.
Part One: Casey.
"What is it with you two and closets?" Casey asked. It was really musty in there, and she wanted to sneeze. She put her hand over her nose and mouth in preparation, but nothing happened.
"It's not that bad," Edwin said. "I'm used to it.
"But that's not important," he continued. "Look at this."
Casey watched a good five to ten minutes of bitchy gossip, giggling in all the right places until...
"Homophobic?" Casey said. Was that why Derek seemed to have such a problem with Chris?
Then she heard David say "I didn't get that vibe. He had no problem with me anyway."
There was that. Derek got along great with David.
The other day, David turned to Derek, looked him up and down and said "If only you weren't so obviously straight...you'd be the type of boy I'd take home to Mama."
"What's your Mom look like?" Derek had answered. "Cause if she's hot, I really wouldn't complain." Casey hit him.
"She is kinda hot, actually, but your wife wouldn't like it," David said.
"Nope," Casey said. "I really wouldn't."
"Don't worry," David said. "I'm not hitting on your man, cute as he is."
"He thinks I'm cute," Derek said, grinning.
"Don't let it go to your head," Casey said.
So okay, it wasn't homophobia. The thing was, that she really didn't have time to dwell on it because "Suddenly Seymour" was coming up tonight, and she needed to figure out how she and Chris were going to do the kissing scene without laughing. She'd thought she'd have another week at least before she had to deal with it, but since opening night was in a little under three weeks...
"I'll figure out what the weirdness is later," she said.
"So you noticed it, too?" Edwin said.
"Oh yeah," Casey said. "I figured it was just because Chris is a hugger. Derek held out a hand to shake and got hugged. You know how he hates that."
"Didn't think it was anything else?" Lizzie said.
"No," Casey said. "What else?"
"If Chris weren't gay, I would've said Derek was jealous," Lizzie said.
"Yeah, but he is gay," Casey said. "And he's been pretty open about it."
"True," Lizzie said. "So I got nothing."
They heard a voice say "I thought she went in here, but I don't see her."
"Ohmygosh," Casey whispered. "Sheldon!" She tried to squeeze deeper into the cabinet, but Edwin's elbows stopped her.
"Ow!" Casey whispered.
"Oof" Edwin whispered.
Then Sheldon poked his head in. "It's only me, Case," he said. "Hey Ed, Lizzie."
"Hey," they both said.
"So," Sheldon continued. "People are wondering where you went, and by people I mean Derek. Plus break's about to end."
"Um," Casey said. "Okay." She climbed out of the wardrobe and took a deep, mildew free breath.
"You knew about them?" Casey asked.
"Who do ya think let them in?" Sheldon said. "Jack told them about the wardrobe."
"Who else knows?"
"Me, Jack, you..." Sheldon said "That's about it."
"Not Em?" Casey said.
"I love her," Sheldon said, "But you know she can't keep a secret."
"And you can?" Casey said.
"Hellooo," Sheldon said.
They walked toward the stage door, and right before Casey reached to open it, she stopped and Sheldon bumped into her.
"Shel?"
"Sorry bout that," he said.
"No actually, I wanna ask you something," she said. "You seem to be a pretty observant guy."
"When I'm not bumping into people."
"So then have you noticed that Derek's been acting funny?"
"As opposed to what?" Sheldon said. When Casey didn't laugh, he said. "Dunno, I'll keep an eye out."
Part Two: Derek.
It was all too big. Derek had heard that you were supposed to exaggerate things for the theater, play to the back row and all that, but this was ridiculous. Casey's accent was like Edith Bunker on crack. She'd had a pretty good one for the audition; he wondered what happened to that.
Also, she'd bought these super high heels for the costume, and she was trying to break them in. So there she was, mincing around in these leopard print and lucite drag queen shoes and her rolled up jeans. It kind of reminded him of Smarti playing dress-up. She needed a hat, though. And some beads. Maybe some Elton John glasses.
Chris already had these black Weezer glasses that might or might not have been prescription. They had glass in them, anyway. He put them on a little crookedly, so they hung askew, and sometimes let them slide down his nose.
Then there were Melissa, Brianna and Emily with their own sets of high heels clickety clacking on the wood floors. They were trying to synchronize their movements so that they all clickety clacked at the same time. They weren't there yet, but again he was reminded of Smarti, and even a little of Lizzie and her first pair of heels. The noise had driven them all crazy last Easter.
Mr. Castellucio, as Mushnik, was actually okay. His accent was the one that Casey needed to copy. Plus, he wasn't shy about cuffing Chris with a rolled up newspaper. Repeatedly. Derek thought that that would be his favorite part of the show so far.
Until.
The Dentist Song: Sheldon, Emily, Melissa, and Brianna, and all of them being as filthy as they possibly could. Sheldon, at one point, grabbed Emily, pulled her close, looked down her tank top and said something about "open up," and "say ahhh." Derek thanked Almighty God for the invention of the camcorder.
Needless to say they got a standing ovation from everyone there that night. Then, when Jack was done wiping the sweat off his face, he said "That...was so damn cool! I just hope we don't get arrested."
"Hope you're not planning a career in politics," Derek called out.
"Two words," Sheldon said. "Pirate costume."
Derek opened his mouth, then closed it again. He did a little "curses, foiled again" gesture, shaking a fist in the air.
"Pirate costume?" Chris said. "Were you the Dread Pirate Derek?"
"Yeah," Derek said. "That's what I was. That was it exactly." He was trying not to take the bait. He was pretty sure that Casey would put up with a certain amount of bullshit from him, but probably wouldn't take kindly to a display of jealousy or aggression. Even though he really really wanted to display some of both.
"Was there a swordfight?" Chris asked.
Casey cleared her throat.
Jack piped up. "Moving right along," he said. "I do believe that Miss Casey is impatient for her solo to begin."
"Maybe a little," Casey said.
Part Three: Sheldon
That was my fault, Sheldon thought. He really should have known that no good could come from a comment like that.
To the uninformed observer, it might have looked innocent, but Sheldon was not an uninformed observer. Derek was grinding his teeth a little; Chris was smiling too much. He could practically hear growling. The question was: what exactly caused the bugs to crawl up their respective butts.
He got shooed off the stage, so he sat on the floor in front of it, trying his damnedest to look casual. Emily was leaning on him, but he promised Casey he'd help her out, so he couldn't even enjoy Emily's chin on his shoulder and all of that hair up against his cheek. He reached for her hand, so she wouldn't notice anything amiss, but he couldn't tell her anything yet. Not that he knew anything yet.
"Suddenly Seymour" started up. Emily turned around and leaned against Sheldon's back so she could see the stage. He could both feel and picture her settling in the way she did in front of the TV. The popcorn was missing, but the rapt expression had to be there. Jack had his chin in both hands and his elbows resting on the seat in front of him. There was a cluster of people gathered at the lip of the stage looking straight up, another small group off to the left of where Sheldon and Emily were sitting. Sheldon took all of this in, but also took in the sight of Derek, the camera pointed at the stage, but Derek himself staring at a wall. He might have been doing times tables in his head, anything not to look at the actual stage.
Meanwhile Sheldon twisted around a little to see what was going on for himself. Chris was on his knees in front of Casey and had her chin in his hand, his eyes glued to her, another hand buried in her hair.
Ca-ching, Sheldon thought. They really do make it look good, don't they?
Then he thought, you've gotta be kidding me. He pretended his legs were falling asleep so he could shift position. He also slung an arm around Emily—He didn't see much need for total sacrifice. Then he looked from the stage to Derek and back.
You've gotta be kidding me, he thought. Do you have no gaydar at all, Derek? Dude grabbed my ass, for God's sake. On one hand, this is way better blackmail than any pirate costume, or guyliner, but on the other hand the poor schmuck looks really depressed and insecure and if anyone knows what that looks like, it's me. I'm supposed to be reporting back to Casey, but I think that Derek needs to be set straight, like immediately.
They finished the song, and the kiss to great applause and cheering on one side and what looked like potentially damaging muscle tension on the other. Casey looked over at Derek, all flushed and happy with herself and Derek flashed a quick and unconvincing smile back at her.
Somewhere off in Siberia, Jack announced that they'd pick it up from there the next day.
Sheldon groaned out loud.
"Huh?" Emily said.
"Be right back," Sheldon said. He made a beeline for Derek.
"Hey," Sheldon said.
"What," Derek said, not looking at him. A year ago, this would have been intimidating.
"Might I perhaps have a word?" Sheldon asked.
"I can think of a couple you can have," Derek said.
"Yeah, yeah, you're pissed, I get it," Sheldon said. "No need for the dick swinging with me."
"Why are you trying to climb up my ass, Schlepper?"
"To help you remove the stick, Venturi."
"Just what is your problem?" Derek asked.
"Take a breath," Sheldon said. "I'm trying to help you out, here, and DO NOT interrupt me either. I can see what's going on here with you and I think I need to stick my two cents in before you get into trouble because you are clearly about to get into trouble, dude." Sheldon waited for an interruption that, luckily didn't come.
"You're jealous," he continued. "of a guy who is not only gay, but is so gay that he grabbed my ass the other day. Seems like everyone knew that but you, and I assumed that you knew it, too so I couldn't figure out your problem. And FYI, neither could Casey. I am supposed to be reporting back to her whatever I could find out, but I'm looking at you with that face on you like someone drowned kittens in front of you on your birthday and set fire to your new bike. I am not unfamiliar with that feeling as you well know, so I had to come over here right now and tell you first. And did you just get this on camera?" Sheldon turned to see the red light still blinking.
"Shit," Derek said. "Maybe the audio, a little."
"I really will never be prime minister, will I?" Sheldon said.
"Guess I'd vote for your silly ass," Derek said. "You'd be fun to watch on the news."
"Good to know," Sheldon said. "If Coldspray's still together by the time I run, I'll get them to do my campaign song."
"There's always D-Rock," Derek said. "A little Canadian pride?"
"They'd deport us," Sheldon said. That finally got a laugh out of Derek.
"I am in so much trouble," Derek said.
"Not really," Sheldon said. "You didn't kick the guy's ass. That counts for something."
"Not in Caseyville," Derek said. "I have just elected myself village idiot."
"At least you hold public office," Sheldon said.
"It's a tough job," Derek said. Then they both said: "But someone's gotta do it."
"So you should probably go over there and tell your girlfriend that she rules," Sheldon said.
"One step ahead of you, bud," Derek said. "First, I have to talk to Chris, 'cause God only knows what he thinks of me."
Part Four: Chris.
Aw, crap, Chris thought. Incoming. He hoped the twerp wasn't the violent type. He wasn't afraid of him, but he was sick and tired of this type of bullshit.
Although, truth to tell, Chris had been asking for it. He was the one to throw out the first insult, as it were. He was just so busy obsessing over why the kid didn't like him. How dare he not like him? At first he'd been secure in the knowledge that the kid had to be a homophobe, but David blew that theory. So Chris went on the attack which is what he did when he felt defensive and inadequate. Meanwhile, there was no earthly reason for Derek to be coming up to him right now, so this could not be good.
"So listen," Derek began. "Can we talk for a sec?"
I can take him, Chris thought. "If you want," he said.
"In private?"
"You wanna talk, talk," Chris said. But then he pointed with his head toward an empty spot near the back of the room.
"Thank you," Derek said once they got there.
"Well?" Chris said. He really did need to work on his attitude.
"Okay," Derek said. This really couldn't be easy for him.
"I've been kind of unfair to you," Derek said. "It was completely unfounded, and I wanted to apologize. Because, idiot that I am, I was jealous."
"Come again?"
"Of you," Derek said. "And Casey." He was looking everywhere but at him.
Chris snorted.
"No," he said.
"'Fraid so," Derek said.
"Seriously?" Chris said.
"Yeah," Derek said.
"That is the cutest thing I've ever heard!" Chris said. "You're so sweet. You thought I was straight?"
"Not my finest hour."
"Awwwww!" Chris said. "You really do have it bad for this girl don't you?"
"You reckon so?" Derek said.
"A little early for sarcasm, babes," Chris said. "Even if you didn't kick my ass. What stopped you from kicking my ass, by the way?"
"She would have dumped me," Derek said. "I've been crazy about her for pretty much ever, and I've done nothing to deserve her. So I better not screw it up."
"Okay," Chris said. "Know what? I am so sorry I was even the least bit rude to you, because I have a lot of karma to fix and I want to deserve a gay one of you someday."
"Um," Derek said.
"Say thank you, Derek," Casey said from behind him.