** First a big thank you to all my reviewers and followers. (Zee, please sign up for the site so I can reply to your reviews!)

Okay, this is a big one. Biggest chapter so far. I considered cutting it up into two chapters, but I didn't think it worked that way, so here we are. Hope you guys like it. And please share your thoughts, this one was a killer to write. **

"We'll be docking at Arcturus Station tomorrow, before heading to Noveria. The crew will be granted leave for the duration of our stay, which should be no more than 24 hours. That's it folks, dismissed." Lex turned her attention to the reports in her hands as the officers exited the comm room. It wasn't until she heard Kaidan clear his throat that she realized he hadn't left. "Yes, Kaidan?"

Kaidan tried not to be bothered by the fact that she had only glanced at him and gone right back to looking at the datapad in her hand. Although things between them were not as bad as they had been after the cargo bay incident, they had spoken only about duty rosters and assignments in the past two days. He was sure she was going out of her way to avoid him, but hadn't made much of an effort to change that. He'd had a lot to think about. "Shepard, I'd like to request some of your time while we're docked at Arcturus Station."

"Kaidan, like I said, the crew is on leave while we're on the station. That includes you. We can discuss whatever it is you want to talk about while we're on our way to Noveria." She answered, still not bothering to look at him.

"This isn't business Shepard, this is a personal matter."

At that Lex looked up from her reports and at Kaidan. He had a determined look on his face, and she had a feeling he wouldn't take no for an answer. "Fine, I'll be in with the Admiral for most of the day, but I can meet you in my office at 2000 hours."

Kaidan frowned. "Actually, I'd prefer it if we met someplace else."

She raised her eyebrow at him. "Why?"

Kaidan hesitated, suddenly nervous. He'd expected this question and had practiced his answer who knows how many times, but now his mind was blank. "I'd like to avoid, uh…distractions. And I don't think this is something we should talk about anywhere else on the Normandy."

So he considered what had happened the other night in her cabin, his attraction to her a distraction? Well at least now she knew she hadn't imagined it. She knew sentiment and emotion mattered to Kaidan, he wasn't the type that would let his body dictate his actions. So apparently he had no problem finding her physically attractive, but the thought of being with someone like her was something he couldn't tolerate. And he was determined to avoid temptation again. Lex felt her chest tighten.

"Shepard?"

Lex realized he was still waiting for a reply. "Well then, do you have any suggestions?"

Lex pulled at the neck of her dress blues as she sat waiting outside of Admiral Hackett's office. She was sure he made her wait on purpose, knowing how much she hated wearing the formal uniform. (I bet he's watching me on some vid now, a big smirk on his face.)

"Commander, the Admiral will see you now."

Lex nodded at the receptionist and entered Hackett's office. She walked up to his desk and stood at attention, giving him a crisp salute. Unlike with Anderson, when she was with the Admiral, she tried not to ignore the regs.

"At ease, Commander. Have a seat."

"Thank you, sir." She said as she sat in the chair furthest away from the Admiral.

"We'll be meeting the committee in a few minutes, but I wanted a chance to check in with you first. At lot of things have happened in a short amount of time, you becoming a Spectre and taking over as CO of the Normandy being chief among them. I wanted to see how you were doing."

Lex tensed. She knew Anderson wouldn't have said anything about her falling off the wagon, but that didn't mean Hackett wouldn't have found out. She wasn't naïve enough to think he didn't keep tabs on her. "I'm fine, sir."

Steven Hackett was no fool, and he knew that she was lying. She had dark circles under her eyes and she looked thinner than she'd been the last time he'd seen her. David had told him as much, but he'd assured Steven that she was handling everything well. Of course, Steven knew his old friend had a soft spot for her and wouldn't tell him everything, so he'd used other resources at his disposal and found out the truth. She'd fallen off the wagon, once so far. And she'd attacked one of her officers, an officer she was apparently growing closer to than she should be. David had at least told him about that, insisting it was a good thing. Steven didn't see how her risking her career for an on ship fling could be a good thing, and he'd told his friend as much. David had countered that she was a different person around this Lieutenant Alenko, that he was good for her. So far, he'd seen no evidence of that. "Alexandra."

(Shit.) He was the only person in the galaxy that had ever called her that, and she was sure this too was something he did because he knew she hated it. It also confirmed that he knew something about what had been happening with her. "Admiral." She knew she was being a stubborn ass, but she wasn't in the mood to have a heart to heart with him now.

"Alexandra, the stakes are too high for you to play games with me. I need to know that you can handle this, and right now, I'm not too sure."

"I am handling it, sir. Unless you'd like to point out a mission or assignment where I have let you down in the last few weeks?"

"You know there are none, you always go above and beyond for us, and don't think I'm not proud of that. You know that's not what I was referring to. I want to make sure you are okay, that you can handle this without risking…"

She interrupted him. "What? Risking losing it again? That's what you're worried about, right?"

"Alexandra, I'm worried about you. That you aren't taking care of yourself, or are you telling me that you are at 100%? I'm also worried about how you are running your ship."

"If you don't think I can handle the Normandy, then give it back to David! I didn't want it in the first place, it's his ship." She bit her lip to stop herself from saying more, and took a deep breath. "Look, I'm fine, I just need some sleep, and we've been pretty busy lately. I'll catch up while we're here."

"What about Lieutenant Alenko?" He asked.

(What the fuck, do I have 'I have the hots for my Lieutenant' written on my face?) "I'm sure he'll get some sleep, too." Okay, so she was a smart ass.

Steven gave her a stern look. "Alexandra, this isn't a joke. This is your career we are talking about. If, no, when this becomes an issue you are the one that will pay the highest price."

"Sir, I don't know what you think is going on, but I can assure you that nothing inappropriate has happened between me and any member of my crew. I can understand if you doubt me, but Lieutenant Alenko is a by-the-book marine, and he would not risk his career for someone like me." She cringed as she said the last words, knowing she'd gone too far, showed him more than she'd meant to.

"Damn it, Alexandra if he was going to risk his career for someone, he'd be lucky if it were you. Why the hell are you the only one in this galaxy that can't see that? You've been to hell and back multiple times in your short life, and you've beaten the odds each and every single time. You're a god damn Spectre. The first human to ever receive the honor. Do you think you got that any other way but earning it?" (Hell am I trying to discourage this thing with her subordinate or encourage it?) He hadn't meant to sound like he was giving the go ahead, but he was frustrated with her continued lack of self. It had been a constant with her since the day he'd first met her, and it had only gotten worse after Torfan.

Lex didn't reply. She couldn't, because she feared she wouldn't be able to say anything without crying. And she didn't cry, at least not when someone else could see her.

"Admiral, the committee is on the line." His receptionist said over the comm.

He moved to stand next to her chair, and placed his hand on her shoulder. He'd done the same thing the day he'd decided to give her a new life all those years ago. "Alexandra, I know you are capable of bringing down Saren, but you need to take care of yourself. And I know the Normandy is in the right hands, she's your ship, and I trust you. Just promise me that you'll think about what you're doing before you make a decision that could affect the rest of your life."

She didn't look up at him, but she nodded her head.

"I'm going to initiate the link with the committee in the other room, I'll give you a minute here, and then you can join us." He gave her shoulder a small squeeze before letting her go and leaving the room.

"Alenko!"

Kaidan looked up at the sound of a familiar voice calling his name. He smiled when he saw LaRue waving at him from the door of the café. He stood up and gave his friend a hug as he reached his table. "LaRue, good to see ya, man. How you been?"

"Not bad, not bad. I've been assigned to the SSV Washington, in the Fifth Fleet. I ship out in a few days."

Kaidan could see that LaRue was beaming, and he was happy for his friend. "The engineering position you were hoping for, right?"

"Yup, finally. Of course, that can't compete with serving on the ship of the first human Spectre!" LaRue replied, almost at the top of his lungs.

Kaidan noticed a few heads turn towards their direction and pulled at his friend's arm. "I hate when you do that." He'd tried to sound admonishing, but couldn't help but laugh.

"What, a man can't be proud of his friend?"

"And try to get a bit of female attention his way while he's at it." Kaidan added.

"Guilty." LaRue admitted. "So, what's it like?"

"It's a hell of a ship. You'd drool yourself silly if you got a peak at her engine room. And a great crew. We've even got ourselves a few aliens serving with us. A krogan, an asari, a quarian, and a turian. Let me tell you, makes from some interesting meals at the Mess."

"I bet. I'd heard some rumors, but I didn't think they were true. And Shepard doesn't have a problem with it?"

"It was her idea. She sees the value in all of us working together."

"Damn Alenko, you've done it, haven't you? You've joined the Cult of Shepard." LaRue said with a laugh. "You sound like one of those marines I told you about the night before you shipped out."

"LaRue..." Kaidan didn't want to talk about Shepard with his friend. LaRue knew him too well.

"Come on, Kaidan, you can tell me. What's it really like serving under the Ice Queen? You know, I've actually heard rumors that she and Hackett have something going on. You think she's getting it on with the Admiral right now?"

Kaidan felt a surprising urge to hit his friend, but restrained himself. "LaRue, I'm not…"

"Is that true, Kaidan? Oh, you just have to share if you know something juicy!" Kaidan froze at the voice behind him. Why had he let LaRue take the seat facing the door? Lex came to stand by the two men's chairs, as she put her hand out to greet LaRue. "Hi, name's Lex. And you are?"

LaRue stood up and took Lex's hand. "Patrick LaRue, but everyone just calls me LaRue. Nice to meet you." Kaidan just sat there with his mouth hanging open. "You look familiar, have we met?"

"I don't think so. How long have you known Kaidan?"

LaRue was still holding Lex's hand. "Oh, damn, we've known each other what? Ten years now. Since we joined up." He looked over at Kaidan for confirmation, but found his friend just staring at the woman in front of him. "Kaidan?"

"Uh, yeah, ten years now."

"Oh, what a coincidence, Kaidan and I met about ten years ago. Although we didn't see each other again until just recently." She looked down at Kaidan. "Sorry I'm late, but I couldn't take one more damn minute in that get up. Had to change into something comfortable. Hope you weren't waiting too long."

Kaidan shook his head. "Uh, no, um…just got here a little while ago."

"Well good." She looked back at LaRue, and gave him a big smile. "Thanks for keeping him company for me, LaRue. You boys mind if I sit?"

LaRue seemed to wake up out of a trance, realizing that he was still holding her hand. "Sorry, how rude of us, please take my seat." He moved back to help her into her chair and then took the seat opposite of Kaidan. "So you met Kaidan ten years ago? Can I ask how? Maybe I was there, I swear there's something familiar about you."

"Oh, it's embarrassing really. We were in a bar, and I thought he'd gotten fresh with me and I overreacted a bit."

At that Kaidan seemed to snap out of his stupor. "A bit?"

"Okay, I punched him…and maybe threw him over the bar. At least that's what I was told, I don't really remember much about that night." She looked over at Kaidan, a sheepish look on her face.

"Oh my god. You found her! You son of a bitch, you actually found her!" LaRue reached over and gave Kaidan a congratulatory slap on the arm. "No wonder you looked familiar, it's just that I was always looking for the hair."

"Excuse me?" Lex raised her eyebrow at LaRue. (Why was he looking for my hair?)

"Any time we went out to a bar we kept an eye out for Kaidan's wild haired sol….owww." LaRue scowled at Kaidan as he reached down to rub his shin where he'd just been kicked.

"Oh, really? You were looking for me?" She was beaming now, and Kaidan quickly forgot about wanting to kill his friend. He was entranced by the look on her face. She was smiling, and not the dutiful smile she'd been using lately. The one that didn't reach her eyes. She was really smiling and her eyes were sparkling. She looked gorgeous. She'd changed out of the dress blues he'd seen her in earlier that morning when she'd left to meet with the Admiral. She was dressed in civvies. A pair of jeans, a black jacket, and what looked to be a simple tank top underneath. She was breath taking, and when Kaidan looked back at LaRue he knew his friend was thinking the same thing. He resisted the urge to kick him again.

"He gave every single red head he saw a second look, just in case."

"Okay, LaRue, I think she gets it now." Kaidan growled.

"I was there that night, was one of the guys that helped keep you from killing Kaidan over here. Took three of us you know. Well two of us to hold you down, and I got the lucky job of holding your friend back. If you still talk to her, be sure to tell her I say she has one heck of a right hook." LaRue rubbed his chin as if he could still feel the punch.

Lex shook her head, and laughed. "Sounds like Marks. Now I understand why she was in the cell with me the next day. Hadn't really given it much thought."

Kaidan recognized the name from the Torfan video. So Marks was Shepard's friend, he'd thought she had been talking to someone on her squad, over the comm. "Sh…Lex." He awkwardly fumbled, not use to using her first name, and it made him uncomfortable. "I don't remember seeing anyone in the cell with you that morning."

Lex blushed. "Heh, Marks said you hadn't even noticed her, I didn't believe her." Although she was still smiling, Kaidan noticed a sadness in her tone when she talked about her friend.

Kaidan rubbed his hand on the back of his neck. It was his turn to blush. "I ah, guess I was too busy looking at you. I mean, I was worried, your hand looked like it was broken and you were stuck in that cell." (Damn it, I need to shut up now.)

"Oh, it wasn't broken, well not at that point. I did manage to break it a couple of minutes after you left."

Kaidan gave her a curious look. "How did you manage that?"

"I punched Marks." She chuckled as she recalled that morning. "She confessed to being the one that grabbed my ass. So ah, yeah again, sorry about that."

"Ha, sounds like my type of woman!" LaRue said. "I say we all go out on a double date."

"Yeah, Lex, she sounds perfect for LaRue here. He always manages to get me into trouble, too." As soon as he said it, Kaidan knew he'd said something wrong. Her smile was gone, replaced by a solemn look. "Did I say something wrong?"

She looked up at him and shook her head. "No, nothing. It's just that Marks passed away a few years back."

Kaidan felt something click in his brain. Now it made sense. If she'd lost her friend during the raid on Torfan of course she'd have a breakdown. It could happened to anyone, but she was still beating herself up about it. "I'm sorry, I can't imagine."

"Yeah, Lex, sorry. Didn't mean to bring up old wounds." LaRue added.

Lex smiled. "No, no. Don't be sorry. I think it's actually the first time I've ever sat and talked about her with someone and not just thought about her death. It was nice to remember something about her that made me smile. Thank you." She'd heard what LaRue had asked about the Ice Queen, and had considered leaving. Instead she found herself introducing herself to his Kaidan's friend a minute later. She wasn't sure what had come over her, but she had an overwhelming urge to hear what Kaidan would say to his friend.

"Why didn't you say anything Kaidan? Where'd you find each other?" LaRue asked, deciding to change the topic.

"We're both serving on the Normandy." Lex replied.

"Well look at that, you actually ended up doing what you said you would. You went and got yourself a life, and with someone on the ship. I'm shocked Lieutenant Responsible!" LaRue raised his hand to his chest in a mocking gesture.

Lex looked over at Kaidan. Had he come on board the Normandy with plans to hook up with someone on the ship? That would explain why he'd so quickly move on to Ashley when he thought she was rejecting him. But that didn't make sense, she was pretty sure she knew enough about him to know that he wasn't into no-strings attached type of flings. At least that's what he'd said. LaRue had seemed surprised, maybe Kaidan was trying something new. "So, what's this you were saying about the Commander and the Admiral?" Lex was asking LaRue, but she was looking at Kaidan as she finished the question.

"LaRue, was kidding. Right buddy?" Kaidan tried to put as much meaning as he could into what he said while he stared LaRue down, hoping his friend would be smart enough to keep his mouth shut. Of course, he wasn't that lucky.

LaRue leaned forward, lowering his voice more for effect than for a need not to be overheard. "Oh you hadn't heard? Rumor is Shepard and Hackett have been having an affair for years. Since she joined the Alliance even. He was even there when she graduated from boot camp, her only guest from what I heard."

"LaRue, I can tell you from personal experience that the majority of rumors you've heard about the Commander are bullshit. I told you that would be the case before I served with her, and I'm confirming it now. So drop it, okay?" He didn't bother to hide the annoyed tone from in his voice.

His friend raised his hands in mock surrender. "Okay, okay I get it. Fine, I won't talk about your Commander Shepard, Lieutenant Responsible."

Your Commander Shepard.

Lex smiled, she liked the sound of that. The thought of being his. She looked at Kaidan and found him staring at her, an apologetic look in his eyes. She shrugged her shoulders. She was use to the rumors, she'd heard most of them at one point or another. Even the one about her and the Admiral. That one actually made her laugh and feel like throwing up all at the same time. Still, she thought it was sweet he was trying to protect her from them.

LaRue sat there for a moment and watched as Kaidan and the girl he'd been searching for looked at each other. He'd caught the awkward glances and exchanges between them since she'd joined them and he wondered if either one of them knew how bad they had it for each other. The tension between them was almost palpable, and he knew that they hadn't acted on their feelings yet. He wasn't surprised, Kaidan was obsessed with his self-control and lived by the regs. He didn't know what was stopping her, but he hoped they both came to their senses soon. "Well, I've got somewhere I've gotta be. It was a pleasure meeting you Lex, and do me a favor. Get this guy here to loosen up a bit, will ya?"

"I'll make sure of it, LaRue. Nice meeting you, too."

Kaidan got up to say goodbye to his friend, walking with him towards the door. "LaRue, not a word. Trust me that when I tell you everything in a few months, you'll be thinking about today and kicking yourself."

"Well I don't know what that means, but I will tell you this. You don't let her get away this time, pal. I don't care how many regs you have to break. Got it?"

"It's not that simple, LaRue. And besides, doesn't she get a say in this?" Kaidan asked.

LaRue grabbed Kaidan by the shoulders and turned him so that they were both looking at Lex. "That girl right there, is head-over-heels for you. It's written all over her face each time she looks at you. That is her say. I don't care how difficult she makes it for you. You keep trying. I don't want to spend another ten years watching you regret letting her get away. I'll see you later, man." With that he gave Kaidan a pat on the back and left the café.

Kaidan watched Lex as she chatted with the waitress who'd come to take her order. She was smiling and looked relaxed. He wondered if this was what she was always like when she was off duty. He'd seen her like this before, when she'd been talking to Liara at Flux, before she'd walked up to the bar. He sighed and felt his shoulders drop a bit as he remembered why he'd asked her to meet him at the café. For a moment he considered not broaching the subject of Torfan, of putting it off and enjoying some time with her, but tonight wasn't about him. She needed this. He walked back to the table.

"Kaidan, I'm sorry about that. I couldn't help myself. I had a shitty day, and well the look on your face when I said hello was pretty priceless." She gave him a slanted smile that couldn't be described as anything but cute, and winked at him. He didn't know how to process any of it, and just smiled back at her. "And don't worry about the whole rumor thing, I've heard them all before."

His smile faded then, and he shook his head at her. "Well I don't like it, Shepard. The people that start those rumors don't know the first thing about you, if they did they wouldn't say those things."

The fact that he'd gone back to called her by her last name stung. "Come on, Kaidan, a lot of them are pretty close to home. I think the Ice Queen one is quite fitting actually." She was still smiling, but her eyes had lost the twinkle. As much as she tried, he saw past her attempt to look like she wasn't bothered by it.

"Well it's not true, and I won't let anyone repeat it without correcting them."

"Alright Kaidan. Anyway, that's not why we're here, right? You said you wanted to talk about something, and honestly you have me quite curious. So let's hear it." She was very curious, in fact she'd thought of little else since he asked for the meeting the day before. At first she'd thought that maybe he'd finally looked at the files that Major Kyle had sent him, and he was going to ask for transfer off the Normandy, but that would have fallen into the business category and could still have been discussed on the ship. Plus, he was being too friendly to have looked through those files. No way would he still want to be her friend if he knew what really happened on Torfan.

Kaidan looked around the café. The tables nearest to them were empty. He'd picked this location because he knew it wouldn't be busy at this time. "Shepard I had a talk with Major Kyle before we left the compound. I want you to know I wasn't prying. I just wanted to point out to him that what you'd done that day, sparing him and his followers, that those weren't the actions of a murderer. That he was wrong about you." He paused a moment, expecting her to be upset with him, but she didn't say anything. "He gave me something. He sent me these." Kaidan pulled up his omni-tool and forwarded the Major's message to Lex.

Lex heard her omni-tool beep, but didn't move. "I know what he sent you, Kaidan."

"You know? How?"

"I heard you two talking. I saw him send you something. It's easy to guess what he would send. The files on Torfan." Lex replied. She kept her voice low and kept her hands under the table, they were shaking and she didn't want him to see. Her stomach was in knots and she was fighting the urge to run out of the café. In fact, she was pretty sure she was about to have a panic attack right there in front of Kaidan. "Why haven't you looked at them yet, Kaidan?"

Kaidan furrowed his brow. "I have. I read every file, and… I watched the vid."

Lex closed her eyes, and looked away, unable to hide the pain in her face. (Oh, god, not the vid.) "I don't understand. You said this wasn't business."

"It's not."

"Kaidan, I think you telling me you want off the Normandy falls under business, no matter the reason. You could have just told me this yesterday in the Comm room, I would have spoken to the Admiral today and you'd already have the name of your new ship. If you like, I'm sure I can even get you on the same ship as your friend." Lex started to get up. She didn't trust herself to stay in control of her emotions for much longer, and she couldn't bear to look at Kaidan.

Kaidan reached for her arm and pulled her back into her chair. "Shit Shepard, shut up and sit back down." his tone was angry.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry, but I need you to listen to me. I'm not going anywhere. I meant what I said, this isn't about business. This is about you." Kaidan let go of her and sat back in his chair. "I read all the files and watched the vid, I know what everyone else thinks happened on Torfan. I'd like to know what you remember about that day."

"No, Kaidan. I'm not going to talk about that with you. You know more than most people do, you know everything." She couldn't look at him. "I don't know why you don't want to leave the Normandy. I assume it's either the mission or (Ashley) something personal. Whatever the reason, I'm glad you're staying. You are a valuable asset to this team, and the Normandy needs you. But this isn't going to be something we bond over."

"Damn it, Shepard, I don't want to bond over this, I want to help you. People call you the Butcher of Torfan, the Ice Queen. They think you are some cold hearted bitch that doesn't care, but you're none of those things. I see the pain in your eyes every time something like that is thrown in your face. I saw it when Major Kyle called you a murderer. What's worse is that you accept it. I remember that conversation with the Captain after the Council decided not to kick Saren out of the Spectres. I didn't understand what you were talking about then, but I do now. You were comparing yourself to Saren. You honestly believe you and him are the same, don't you?"

"Kaidan, I don't want to talk about this."

"Shepard, have you ever talked to anyone about it?"

"Of course, I went through the debriefings and counseling. I'm all talked out about it, Kaidan. You must have read my file on Torfan."

"Actually, your file wasn't included."

Lex was about to question the truth of that statement when she realized the reason for her files not being included. "Those sneaky bastards. They must have gotten the clearance bumped up on my debriefings. The Major wouldn't have had access to them or…Kaidan, you said you saw a vid?"

"Yeah, helm cam recording of the raid. I watched it all."

"How did it end?"

Kaidan took a deep breath. "You were standing in a room surrounded by the bodies of the batarians and your squad mates." Lex realized they hadn't included the full vid at that clearance level. "And you were talking to Marks on the comm. Well, at least that's what I had thought. Is that where she died Shepard? Is that why you lost it?"

"No Kaidan, Marks died two years before Torfan. On Elysium."

"Elysium? The Torfan raids were a response to the blitz, weren't they?" Lex nodded. "Gods, you were getting pay back weren't you? That's why you told Marks you'd done it, you'd killed them all. You were there for revenge?"

"Kaidan I was supposed to be there with her. I should have been there to protect her, or died alongside her. Instead she was all alone when the blitz started, and they …" Lex squeezed her eyes shut, and took a few deep breaths. Her hands were gripping the table, her knuckles white from the force. "I wasn't there for her when she died, but I swore I'd make them pay. So I did, and I enjoyed it Kaidan, every single second of it."

Kaidan reached over and gripped one of her wrists, pulling until her hand let go of the table. He placed her hand in his. Surprised by how small and fragile it looked. "Shepard, look at me." When she didn't open her eyes, he reached out and placed his hand on her chin, moving her face towards his. "Please."

Lex opened her eyes and met his.

"You were grieving. You'd lost someone you cared about and you had survivor's guilt because you weren't there. It's natural to want revenge, problem is that most people don't get the chance so they eventually get past it and move on. You're a soldier, you saw a chance to get your revenge and I'm guessing you obsessed over it. Am I right?"

"It's all I thought about for two years."

"It's understandable then, when the batarians started shooting, when your adrenaline started pumping, you let loose all of your anger on them. Your need for revenge." He tightened the grip on her hand when he saw her start to close her eyes again. "Shepard, I did see the smile on your face. I did hear your laughter. But it wasn't your smile. I know your smile, and I know your laughter. What I saw and heard on that vid wasn't you. You were in hysterics, you were in the middle of a breakdown. Do you realize you were crying during all of it? I couldn't see the tears, you were covered…well you were a mess, so I couldn't see them. But I heard the cries. What happened there, what you did, it broke you. And you've been so wrapped up in your guilt that you won't let yourself see that."

She pulled her hand away from his. "Fine, so I felt bad about it, I had enough decency in me to regret enjoying it, so that makes it okay?"

"Why are you so hard on yourself, Shepard? You're only human. Why is it okay for you to tell me that I'm not a terrible person for killing someone, and then think you don't deserve the same from me?"

"Because, I don't deserve it Kaidan. I'm the one the Alliance calls when they need the hard decisions to be made, because they know I'll make them. They know I don't listen to that little voice inside me that says something is wrong. I don't have a problem killing a few colonists on Feros to ensure the success of the mission, remember? Do you really think that was the first time I had made a decision like that? You stopped it from happening then, but there were so many times you weren't there. I am just like Saren, I know that sometimes you have to let people die in order to get things done. It's ugly, but its reality. And it's how I think."

"Bullshit. Yes you do the wrong thing for the right reasons, I've seen it. I've heard about it. And yes, I don't like it. I don't understand it. I think there are some lines we just shouldn't cross. I also know that that's why the Alliance looks to you for solutions, that's why you are the first human Spectre. Because in the real world, sometimes the hard choices need to be made. That doesn't mean it doesn't affect you. I know it does, because I can see the pain in your eyes. I can see how you torture yourself, how you keep yourself from being happy. You hear that little voice, and you make the choice to ignore it, and then you suffer the consequences. That's the difference between you and Saren. Because like Anderson said, Saren doesn't regret his choices. He doesn't have that little voice, because he doesn't have a conscious!"

Lex didn't say anything, she couldn't. She just stared at him, and wondered again who the hell he was. It was almost like he knew what was going on in her head, almost like he understood her.

Kaidan leaned forward, and reached for her hand again. He smiled when she placed her hand in his. "Shepard, you have to stop punishing yourself for what happened to Marks, for Torfan, and for all the choices you've made since. You think you are the only one that can make them, because you're already ruined, but that's not true. You think you don't deserve to be happy, and each time you do something ruthless you use it to justify that feeling, but you're wrong."

"Ho…how, do you…?" She couldn't finish. She was shaking, not just her hands, but all of her. She couldn't stop. She was having trouble catching her breath. She heard a sob and realized it was hers, she was crying.

Kaidan was out of his chair in an instant, he reached out and pulled her up into his arms, hugging her. He held her as she cried. Rubbing her back and whispering to her, letting her know he was there for her. That it was okay. He looked around and was relieved to see no one was paying attention to them. He caught the waitress' attention and mouthed the word "Tab" to her. She nodded. He'd been a regular at the café for years, and she knew he'd take care of the bill later. He pulled Shepard over so that she was leaning on his left side, her head resting on his shoulder and he walked them out of the Café. They walked for a while as her crying slowed and eventually stopped. He wasn't really thinking about where he was heading as they walked, having just wanted to give her a bit of privacy. It wasn't until they reached his station apartment that he realized where they were. He opened the door and led them inside, and for the first time since leaving the café, Shepard let go of him. He missed the feel of her in his arms the second she stepped away.

"Kaidan, I'm sorry. God, I don't know what got into me, I don't cry in front of anyone, ever."

"Don't apologize, Shepard. Do you feel better, now?"

She thought about the question before answering. Did she feel better? This man had just read her mind, her soul. She had never admitted to anyone that she lived her life as a punishment since that day on Torfan. Anderson and Hackett, the two men who knew the most about her, had never made the connection. But this man that she'd barely known for what? A few weeks, months? He had gotten to the heart of her, he knew her. She hadn't known why she started crying, all she knew was that she couldn't stop once it had started. She was having a panic attack right there in the middle of the café and she could do nothing to stop it. Then when he put his arms around her, she'd felt…gods, she'd felt safe. Safe enough to let herself cry because she was crying for Marks. She was crying for those lives she'd taken on Torfan, for each face she could still clearly see each night when she closed her eyes. And she was crying for herself, for all the years she'd spent living her pain, her punishment. "I don't know how I feel, besides exhausted." And she did, she felt like she'd been carrying a huge weight that had finally been lifted and her body and mind were screaming at her to rest. Suddenly she had trouble keeping her eyes focused.

Kaidan reached for her hand and led her to the bedroom.

Lex saw the bed and suddenly her senses seemed to rouse out of their stupor. "Kaidan, where are we?"

"Uh, my apartment." She wasn't surprised when she turned to look at him and caught him rubbing his neck, she was starting to love when he did that.

She stepped into the bedroom and looked around. The first thing that caught her attention was how immaculate the room was, everything in complete order. She wasn't surprised. "It looks like this all the time, doesn't it? This isn't like this just because you're not living here right now, right?"

Kaidan was confused. "Uh, yeah, why wouldn't it?"

She smiled. "Kaidan, how do you manage to spend even a minute in my cabin without freaking out?"

"It's not that bad, a bit cluttered maybe."

He was right, her space on the ship wasn't up to her usual messy standards, but that was due to the tireless cleaning mechs. "Just wait till you see my apartment."

"Is that an invitation, Shepard?" Kaidan's voice had suddenly taken on that husky tone that made her shiver.

"Well you showed me yours, only fair I show you mine."

(Danger, danger!) Kaidan felt as if the heat was rising. (Damn it, this is why I'd avoided talking in her cabin and now I've brought her into my bedroom!) He watched as she took off her jacket, apparently not immune to the effect the turn in the conversation had produced. She threw her jacket on the bed and walked over to his prized possession.

"Wow, Kaidan. Actual books, these are beautiful. That's quite a collection you have here." She reached out and pulled a book from the shelf.

"Do you like to read, Shepard?" He asked as he walked up behind her to see which book she was looking at.

"I love it. It was the only true escape I had from my life when I was a kid. I'd spend hours in the library, imagining myself as the characters in my favorite books." She was trying to concentrate on the book in her hand, but someone could have asked her the title at that moment and she'd have no idea what it was. Because all she could think of was how close Kaidan was standing to her. She could feel the heat from his body on her back, and she fought the urge to lean into him. She felt lightheaded, and weak. She leaned forward to put the book back in its place and lost her balance. She put her hand out to brace herself on the bookshelf and felt Kaidan's hands on her waist, steading her. She raised her hand to her head, feeling dizzy.

"Shepard." Kaidan guided her to the bed and sat her down, kneeling on the floor in front of her. "Are you okay?"

"I just got a little dizzy. I'm fine." She tried to get up again, but lost her balance and ended up using Kaidan's shoulder's to keep from falling. He gently pushed her back on the bed.

"You're not going anywhere."

Despite how she felt, Lex smiled. "Why Lieutenant, are you trying to getting me into your bed?"

With that one sentence, Kaidan felt himself harden. He looked at her and his pulse quickened. She was looking at him thru partly lidded eyes, a devilish grin on her face. He couldn't remember ever wanting a woman as much as he wanted her. LaRue was right, if he didn't go after her now, he'd spend the rest of his life regretting it.

"Kaidan." Her voice was barely a whisper. She closed her eyes and he saw her waver a bit again, and he moved up on to the bed, sitting next to her. He placed his arm around her and she leaned on his chest.

"Shit, Shepard, you didn't eat anything at the café. When was the last time you ate?" He cursed himself under his breath, he should have been paying closer attention to her when she'd said how tired she was. He did now, and he could see that she was pale.

"I don't know. I think the Admiral had something brought in for breakfast, he always makes me eat something." Her voice was weak.

"Damn it that was over 14 hours ago. I'm going to make you something to eat. Lay down, and I'll be right back." He got up and helped her get comfortable on his bed.

He turned to walk out of the room, but she grabbed his wrist. "Kaidan, I'm not sleeping with the Admiral. That's just, ewww." He couldn't help but chuckle at her admission.

"Don't worry, Shepard, I didn't think you were."

She smiled, and let go of his wrist. "Good."

Kaidan went into the kitchen and started looking for something he could give to Shepard. Unfortunately, since he knew he'd be gone for a while, he hadn't left much in stock. He decided on some soup and a few energy bars he'd found in the pantry. When he finally had everything ready he took a tray into his room, where he found Shepard asleep. He put the tray down on his nightstand, and grabbed the blanket at the end of his bed, using it to cover her. He smiled down at her. She looked so calm and beautiful. "Alexandra Shepard, I love you. And I'm not giving up on you. I'm a very patient man."

He walked over to the other side of the bed and grabbed his pillow, then a blanket from his closet. He looked at her one last time before walking out of the room to sleep on the couch.